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How to raise a weak victim
By Ben | February 7, 2013
We love our kids. We don’t want to see them suffer while they’re growing up and learning the life lessons we know they will need. So we protect them from the consequences of their actions, their poor decisions, their innate laziness or their desire to feel superior.
Also, we’re thrilled when they shine because they’re smart or athletic or budding comedians.
And that’s how we help spoil them and turn them into weaklings lacking character and grit.
Ramona’s son had always been the brightest kid around. She was so proud that he’d never struggled through high school or college to get good grades. She’d noticed that he avoided subject areas that were difficult; he got upset when he had to struggle with anything. So she tried to be helpful by encouraging him to follow interests that were easy for him.
When she didn’t immediately cater to his every whim, he verbally abused her; he told her she was a rotten and incompetent mom.
Later, in law school, when he had to struggle a little, she noticed that he always blamed his difficulties on poor teachers, bad case presentation and other students who cheated. He thought he was a victim of circumstances. He never applied himself diligently. Instead, he raged against them all and sometimes told them off in public. His struggles were never his fault; his anger was always justified and righteous.
After he passed the bar exam, he couldn’t keep jobs at two prestigious law firms in a row. He’d loudly and publically told off the managing partners because they hadn’t supported him enough.
He started his own practice but had problems getting and keeping clients. He was too busy to keep good books so he never made a profit. But he bought everything he wanted. He wanted to abandon the whole affair and have his mother support him. She was tempted to bail him out; she agreed with him that it wasn’t his fault. And, she fantasized, if she kept helping him, he’d finally grow up, learn his lessons and be successful.
But a friend recommended a book that caused her to step back and examine the course she had followed with him for decades. She saw, although she tried to avoid the bitter truth, that she’d helped him grow up weak and selfish. He had developed no grit or character – no inner strength, resolve, determination, perseverance or resilience. If things didn’t come easily to him, he raged against other people or forces that must be to blame for his suffering and failure.
What had Ramona done that encouraged any of his tendencies toward weakness?
- Whenever he refused to struggle, she accepted his excuses and justifications, and allowed him to think that his reactions were normal.
- When he had to overcome adversity in order to succeed, she took over and got him past the problem. Then she allowed him to think that her help wasn’t important and he could have done it himself if he’d really wanted.
- When he yelled and bullied her because she didn’t do what he demanded or make things easy for him, she allowed him to think that she really was at fault and his temper tantrums were justified. Indeed, she did feel guilty.
Ramona had participated by loving her son in the wrong way.
She’d helped him avoid struggle, sacrifice and self-discipline. She’d helped him think he was entitled to easy and rapid success. If it didn’t come that way, he thought it meant he was stupid and he was never going to admit that.
What could she do now?
Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Stop Bullies Book | 4 Comments »
February 15th, 2013 at 9:47 am
What a very interesting post Ben.
My son is 17 now & I am noticing some, not all of these issues. Maybe a different set of circumstances. i think I should number the points as there are a few:
1) He has the typical teenager laziness & will not get out of bed in the morning to catch the 7:20am bus. He always misses it & there isn’t another one until 10.20am & then no more. He is due at college for the first lesson at 8:55am.. I am a governor at the college & so I almost always take him myself. All other boys in the village at various colleges catch their buses, which are equally early. This is causing me to become very frustrated & angry with him – thus friction. I have told him I will take him on Mondays & Thursdays only as I have to drive into the city then anyway. If he requires a lift on other days he has to pay me the bus fare his father gives him. If he does not he either gets a bus or he walks the 9 miles.
2) We have to sell our house as lack of work has meant relying on the small amount of child maintenance from his father & child benefits, all of which stop in a year when he leaves college. the house is 500 years old & needs a huge amount of repair before it can be sold achieving equity to buy another one. We are not eligible for government housing. My son curses at me & makes life difficult every time I ask him to do the simplest task to help with the house (I have to ask as I have arthritis in my spine & hip). I do however, once on task, make him complete it no matter how bad he is – but it is very stressfull & upsetting as he calls me awful names. yesterday I refused to drive him to meet his friends until an essential task covering up rotting windows was done. in return I was cursed at on the scaffolding for the entire street to hear. However, there is one positive suggestion from my son – & that is for me to write down what he needs to do on the house with a date to do it on (I can see this failing though becasue he is always in the city socialising).
3) My son has started to be violent towards me. Admittedly the last incident was last August & as I was injured (my back) & as he wanted to involve his equally violent father (his father’s violence is why I am not in a relationship with him) & because he kept saying ‘I am hitting you because my dad hit you – it’s your fault’ – I called the police. I then had to object strongly to the police trying to hand him to his father, whom my son had called. All sorts of aggravation ensued with the authorities afterwards & it only stopped because my son told them he didn’t want intervention (i.e. I was blamed). I am 5’6″ & my son is now 6’1″ by the way – so physical bullying by me to him is not possible & has never happened.
4) I would have liked my step-father to have a word with my son to help keep him on the right track, but he’s dead. My natural father left when I was very young but I asked him instead. In response I received a phonecall filled with a string of cursing – so that he sounded just like my son. For the first time I told the man that my step-father had been my dad & that Chris (my natural father) had not only abandoned me as a child but had then proceeded to ignore me thereafter & even when asked to help on important occasions such as a past engagement & when I had been seriously injured, he had never supported or helped me. I intend not to contact him again in the future & to be pragmatic & distant when I have no other option but to cross his path at family events (I take this approach with my son’s father & have avoided him for years now). His attitude towards me, plus my son’s father’s attitude towards me are partly to blame for my son’s extreme behaviour and disrespect towards me. My stepfather was much wiser but sadly he died when my son was 10 years old, just when he needed a positive male role model.
5) My son has run up a massive Broadband bill. I did try to prevent it. He sneaked into my offcie numerous times & plugged it in when i said no & downloaded movies etc. He syas he cannot help pay for it & it is true that he cannot get work in the village, there is none & that he has a huge amount of college work to do. However I can’t pay the bill. I have therefore told him that he has to sell his defunct toys on eBay & some of his Transformers collection to pay for it. Am I doing the right thing?
How can one cope with such cursing & violence? It’s bad enough that the narrow minded souls in the village we are trapped in constantly make negative remarks about our lone parent family (just because it is one)status. I would like my son to at least hold his tongue in public and stop giving them a display to gossip about.
However – reading the above article I am sure there must be more I can do. Although it’s exhausting. I also see the wisdom in the way my step-father brought me & my siblings up – as I think he followed very similsr guide-lines to yours. He just never explained them to us – he just did them.
Many Thanks
Shirley
February 18th, 2013 at 9:29 pm
Hi Shirley,
I’m sorry, but you’re stuck with no easy way out.
There’s nothing you can do to teach your son any more. His problem is not lack of education or information, not lack of haring the right words, not that the world isn’t easy. It’s that he won’t learn. You can lead a horse to water but …
Your son wants what he wants when he wants it and he thinks it’s the world’s fault if he doesn’t get it immediately. Let the world teach him the hard way.
You’d better protect yourself because you taught him that you won’t use the police. Do you think he’ll be afraid of you calling them next time? Better kick him out now before he spends all your money and hits you or lies to the police about how you hit him.
If he chooses to go to him father, so be it.
There are no consequences that he cares about right now.
Sorry.
Since all situations are different, you need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill you need, and to create and carry out an effective plan. Please, find someone locally or call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching – 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
February 22nd, 2013 at 9:31 am
Hi Ben. Thanks for replying.
Well in my defence over the handling of my son’s violence to me last year – I did call the police. 4 officers attended & he was removed from the house by them – eventually being taken to my mother’s house. I did not tell the police I was injured as this would have meant an automatic prison sentance for my son. Which amazes me as in the 1990s when his father did far far worse things – his father was only detained by the police for 3 hours & then released with no charges (despite my face being deeply cut, a fractured cheekbone & numeorus other injuries). I guess our laws have changed.
However the policeman took the opportunity to take my son on the long drive to my mother’s & to tell him clearly the consequences (i.e a custodial sentance) if anyone ever now calls the police again if he is violent. He has been more self-controlled since (so far). Surprisingly too his father told him that hitting his mother was disgusting – although it was his father that he was copying – so too little too late in terms of a paternal example in my view. My father was worse -’you must never call the police on family no matter what they do’ he said. Which cemented my view that he is a very abusive man himself. Very very weird behaviour for a father regarding his daughter – especially since he said something similar when my son’s father had attacked me in the 1990s. I am so glad my mother made him leave and I was brought up by my step-father from about the age of 9.
I certainly cannot tolerate or endure any more physical violence from my son. So I pray it does not happen again because I will take action to ensure my safety. I did a good thing in confiding in my friend’s husband because I know they are there for moral support – which surprised me a bit and is a huge relief. His attitude is ‘carry on parenting’ but ‘make it very simple’ ‘excluding him from the car or house until he gets the messsage’ are the most effective tactics. Seems he may have had to do the same with one of his six chidren at some point. In a similar style to you he also said ‘so let him live with his dad, he’ll soon find out whether or not the grass is greener.’
Thanks for your response.
Shirley
February 26th, 2013 at 9:59 pm
Hi Shirley,
You’ve got it.
The way to stop the bullying is to shine a light on it. If it means prison, maybe that’s a good lesson. I know; we all keep hoping that a less severe lesson will do the trick.
You’re making great strides!
Best wishes,
Ben