« Why entrepreneurial founders can founder later as company leaders | Home | Managerial totalitarians sabotage their own success »
We can’t stop bullying if being liked is more important
By Ben | January 31, 2013
Of course, we want people to like us, especially those who are close like our parents, children, extended family, friends and co-workers.
But we won’t be able to stop bullying if being liked is more important than setting behavioral standards in our environment. In fact, there are people we actually want NOT to like us.
Think through everyone you know:
- Who do we want to like us and for what reasons? We think of this category easily. We want our loved ones to like us because we’re being us, and we hope they’ll be nice to us in return because they like us.
- Who don’t we care what they think about us? We usually don’t think of this group, but we don’t take it personally when a drunk doesn’t like our clothes or an ignorant personal gives medical or car repair advice or a real jerk doesn’t like our opinions.
- Who do we want NOT to like us and why? We usually don’t think like this but try it. Who do we know that they’d only like us if we did what they wanted, which would mean violating our spirits. Growing up during World War II, I always had examples of Hitler, Stalin and Mao. For them to like me I’d have to be silent or applaud when they killed people. But there are smaller and closer examples: co-workers who’ll like us if we didn’t report them embezzling; extended family members who’ll like us only if we allow them to continue beating or molesting children; toxic parents who’ll like us only if we take their abuse; selfish and demanding teenagers who’ll like us only if we give them everything they want to be entitled to; friends who’ll like us only if we allow them to scapegoat other people; spouses who will like us only if we accept their harassment, control and brutality.
Behavioral standards are more important than whether someone likes us.
I hope it’s clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy. We’ll never stand up to bullies if we want them to like us. In order to protect ourselves and our loved ones we must stand against them. And they won’t like us. Well, that’s a good reason to be not-liked.
Many people think they’re being tested by everyone else and mostpeople decide they’re okay if they’re being liked. Instead, go through the world testing everyone else. Do they act decently? Do they want us to violate our standards in order to give them something?
Allow only those people who help raise both our behaviors into our personal environments. Following Rabindranath Tagore’s quote, I think of our “Isle of Song.” Only people whose behavior is worth my liking can get on my Isle of Song.
But if I don’t care whether I’m liked or not, how will I improve my behavior?
Of course, I’m not suggesting that we act like uncaring jerks. I’m just selective about whose opinion matters and what they’re standards are for liking or not. We can watch ourselves and listen carefully to feedback from discerning people. And we can do better without agonizing over whether we’re liked by jerks…or by worse people.
We usually focus on the risks of not being liked when we think of protesting in order to protect and defend ourselves and our loved ones. There might be consequences, depending on the circumstances, so we must think strategically in deciding what to do. But we must not allow ourselves to be violated just because we want to be liked by the wrong people.
The greater risk is always in allowing ourselves to be bullied or brutalized. Actually there’s no risk in allowing that violation. Instead, there’s a guarantee that eventually the bullies with take our liberty, our freedom and everything we value most. Eventually, we’ll lose our souls.
More important than being liked is being the hero of your life!
Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Bullies at School, Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 2 Comments »
February 18th, 2013 at 8:55 am
Ben. Your article cheered me up. Several relevant things in it – but I have asked for advice about them recently.
One thing I have never asked for advice about is this. As a lone parent of some 17 years’ duration & having refused to continue in a relationship with my son’s father because he was extremely controlling & brutally violent towards me………….
I have had to put up the constant prying & questioning of others in every conceivable context:
At work (the worst)
In church
In the street
In the shop
By relatives at reunions
You name the place & people and they have asked the same stupid intrusive questions constantly. I started off shy and ended up totally pissed off with it. The two main questions (ALWAYS by womwn are) the competitive:
Oh and what does YOUR husband / Ex do? (even when they know darn well we weren’t married)
and
Oh – how long did you know him before you became pregnant? (Implying it was a quickie in the car park at the back of the pub – of which I have been accused several times).
My responses have varied but the very best I have ever mustered are: “I do not have a husband, I am single. My professional skills are soley based on my own abilities.” (if in the context of trying them trying to find out if I married someone in my own profession- which often occurs)
and
“I am single. I don’t talk about the past”
and “I don’t bring personal matters into the workplace”.
None of which has ever shut them up.
To the second question I try:
“We were in a long term relationship & our son was planned.”
and
“It was 17 years ago, it’s past history I do not wish to discuss it.”
and
“That’s my private business. I do not wish to discuss it. Mind your own business.”
Only the last one has ever shut anyone up.
I wish I did not have to resort to being rude to get some peace and certainly being rude does not make for a good atmosphere at work. However, without exception rudeness has been the only effective response. It causes short term disconfort amongst colleagues but long term they tend to shut up about it. Anything else seems to invite further questions & the risk of being sacked for talking about personal matters – as bosses perceive it as failure & if your relationship is succesful – well it’s cool to discuss it at work – so unless you can think of anything else I might say I will have to stick with the ‘Mind Your Own Business’ approach.
Best Wishes
Shirley
February 18th, 2013 at 9:30 pm
Hi Shirley,
It doesn’t matter what you say to people who want to be nasty. They’ll keep being nasty. If they’re nice they get your hints.
But from all the rest you’ve written, this is the least of your problems. Solve the one with your abusive, bullying son first. Then the one with your abusive, bullying your father.
Then look for people who are nice to you.
Since all situations are different, you need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill you need, and to create and carry out an effective plan. Please, find someone locally or call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching – 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben