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Stop Bullies Who Know-It-All about Cancer
By Ben | January 2, 2012
Our beloved four-year-old granddaughter has cancer. She finished surgery and is in radiation-chemotherapy mode. They say there’s a good chance she’ll live long and prosper. We grasp that life preserver and try not to cry all the time while we go about fulfilling other responsibilities.
Thank you for that gasp and intake of breath.
All the staff at Children’s Hospital were wonderful. All the families we met there were also kind, considerate, caring and thoughtful. Disease and death are great levelers – we’re all there because were attached to a kid in trouble.
Almost all our family and friends are also wonderful. We show up with food, holiday presents for all the kids, baby sitting, prayers, gasps, tears and arms-around sharing of pain and hope.
And then there are the very few know-it-all bullies and the vicious self-bullying that I want to talk about.
A few of the bullying categories are:
- The religious missionaries. Their theme was that this happened to us because we didn’t belong to the right church or pray to the right God. Or we carried some hidden sin that we’re being punished for or past-life karma is finally being manifest or bad genes are carried in the family. And our granddaughter will be saved only if we convert to their correct way.
- The health missionaries. Their theme is exactly the same in form, but different in content, as the religious missionaries. This happened because we weren’t pure enough – bad water, not completely organic produce, not pure enough vegetarian or vegan, not enough cleansing of toxins, not pure enough affirmations or thought. We all know there are some cancers and diseases that are made worse by bad living – smoking, drugs, alcohol, living next door to a leaky nuclear plant – but this is not one of those cases.
- The political missionaries. Their theme is that the cause of her cancer is global, warming or cooling or environmental pollution, acid rain, fluoride in the water, America as a greedy, decadent, selfish, bad country.
- The narcissistic, demanding, pushy, abusive, advice-giving missionaries. They give advice as if they know the absolute truth and no one else does. They’re self-appointed critics who know what we should have done and what treatment we should select. Often, they once knew someone who had a different cancer but they can predict, on the basis of their wisdom, what will happen in our granddaughter’s case. They’re righteous in working out their issues and therapy on our bodies. As if they’re important, not our granddaughter. Or they’re intrusive strangers focused on their issues, causes and cures. They think their feelings are important and we must do what they want or else their feelings will be hurt. They’re throwing more temper tantrums than a four year-old. As if I should care about their feelings during this time.
- The emotionless professional bullies. They think emotion is a sign of weakness and maybe they’re upset by public displays. Especially at work, they’ll look down on you if you cry or they’ll find a reason to get you transferred or fired. They think robots are better than people.
All these missionaries sound alike, except the fault they focus on is a little different. Whether their God is out there or their God is in their logic and reasoning, they’re convinced they’re right and they’re fervent and righteous about it. Because they’re right and righteous, they think they can ignore or trample your feelings. They think they know what’s best.
Of course, I can see that all these people have reasons, excuses, justifications – they want to help, they’re scared, in our diverse society they don’t know what’s proper, they’re simply awkward in how they try to comfort us, etc.
I don’t care about their problems and issues. They’re adults. They should have already learned to be gracious. I care more about the family going through it.
Never argue with missionaries and self-appointed critics. It’s a waste of your time and energy. You’ll never change their minds. They’re only trying to convert you –they know what’s right.
Some of us might say, “Stop it!” or “C’mon man!” Others will try to teach politely and graciously. Still others will never talk to them again.
In all cases, we’re not waiting for them to become enlightened and nice. We’re weeding through all these people and deciding who we’ll keep on our Isle of Song and who’ll be voted off or who must be kept for a while because they’re our workplace bosses.
And, of course, self-bullying kicks in. It’s all too easy to feel blame, shame and guilt.
- Should we have observed something wrong sooner? Could we have been more perfect? What bad parents they were. What bad grandparents we are. It’s our fault.
- We should have cared more and been more careful.
- Do we carry a bad genetic seed?
- What if we’re wrong about the treatment we choose? We can’t be sure.
None of this is useful. Sure, there will be genetic testing, but all the rest of those thoughts are simply us making ourselves ride an emotional roller coaster; sometimes at the heights, sometimes in the pits, always being flung around and bruised. Obsession, self-flagellation, negativity, depression, and loss of confidence and self-esteem don’t help.
What really matters is carrying on the best we can. And ignoring the bullies or throwing them off our Isle.
You’ll find many examples of these types of bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 6 Comments »
January 2nd, 2012 at 8:45 am
Ben –
My heart goes out to your granddaughter. I sympathize with the trying times that you and your family are now going through, and I respect you for sharing this information with your readers.
It’s a crock that even in this situation, someone always tries to take over and talk to hear their own voices because they’re “just so aggressive,” but they “mean well.” Instead of pontificating and blaming, they could provide some much-needed symnpathy and understanding if they really want their voices to be heard. Some people just have no consideration whatsoever.
But I know you are there for your granddaughter, andmerely knowing you’re there should help her tremendously.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
– David
January 2nd, 2012 at 8:53 pm
Hi David,
Thanks for your concern and compassion.
Humans are still human. Human nature hasn’t evolved a bit- except for individuals.
Personally, I wish those people well and from a great difference.
There’s a wonderful toast – L’Chiam (To Life!). To life, not only when it’s easy and rich, but no matter what. To Life!
Achilleus, in the Odyssey, finally gets it when he tells Odysseus that he was wrong being willing to die young if he could gain immortal glory and fame. Now, he says he’d rather be a slave on earth than the king of the dead.
L’Chiam,
Ben
January 3rd, 2012 at 9:50 am
Remember to look after yourself too.
I can’t imagine what you are going through at the moment. You and youe lovely grandaughter are in my thoughts and prayers xx
January 5th, 2012 at 10:54 pm
Hi Nyssa,
Thanks. We are.
And I want to emphasize the need Nyssa is talking about.
We have to be at our best, despite the horrible possibilities, in order to help the kids the most. Our melodramas are insignificant. The kids in the family are nourished by our strength. Their needs are important.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 5th, 2012 at 10:58 pm
I’ve been encouraged to be kinder to those people who have good hearts and are well-meaning even though they may act awkwardly because they aren’t sure of what’s the right thing to do.
Absolutely.
Some people ask what they can do and others just bring great food. All wonderful!
Some people make a mistake if they feel they have to comfort us or make it okay or say the right thing to relieve our pain or cure our fear. That’s natural but in our diverse culture that’s a potential swamp or quagmire. Don’t make it okay. You can’t. Instead, simply BE there. Simply sharing the fear, pain and hope is helpful enough.
As for the missionaries and bullies, get your own life.
Ben
January 23rd, 2012 at 8:33 am
Ben
So sorry to hear about your grand-daughter. I hope she is getting better – although sounds like early days.
My son had an (massively) enlarged lymph node on the back of his head aged 5 & had lots of cancer tests – luckily it was benign & surgery appeared to be enough. But the scare was horrendous. Lots of people reacted as you describe.
I hope your grand-daughter will recover. I am sure the support that surrounds her & her parents from you as her Grandpa will have a positive effect.
Shirley