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Stop School-Bullying Suicides Caused by Do-Nothing Principals
By Ben | October 6, 2010
Principals didn’t stop school bullies and now there are more school bullying-caused suicides. In all of the cases I’ll describe, there were differences in the bullies’ methods of harassing and abusing their targets. But what was the same was that the parents complained and the responsible school teachers and principals didn’t protect the children in their care. Also the same was the principals’ or school district administrators’ defense: “We didn’t know.”
To me, especially after the parents of the targets complained, that’s an admission of incompetence, delinquency and neglect. The other kids at school knew who bullies were and where, when and how it occurred; why don’t the college-educated, supposedly intelligent and responsible adults know?
I know that the first culprits are the bullies themselves and their parents. But I want to shine two lights:
I know that the first culprits are the bullies themselves and their parents. But I want to shine two lights:
- First, on the responsible, but do-nothing adults in the schools – the principals, assistant principals, teachers, counselors, district administrators and school board members.
- Second, on the skills parents need learn in order to force inactive, conflict-avoidant, lazy, cowardly or uncaring principals to protect their children.
Notice the similarities in all these cases:
- In Texas, a straight “A” eighth-grader, Asher Brown, took his life 18 months after his parents claim to have reported on-going bullying by four other students. Despite the evidence of repeated conversations offered by the parents, the school district spokeswomen, Kelli Durham, whose husband, Alan Durham, is assistant principal, claims that they never knew and never had evidence. Nothing was done to stop the bullies or remove them.
However, numerous comments from other parents and students on the web site of KRIV-TV Channel 26, which also reported a story about Brown’s death, stated that the boy had been bullied by classmates for several years and claimed Cy-Fair ISD in Texas does nothing to stop such harassment.
- A 13-year old, Texas eighth grader, Jon Carmichael, took his own life because of repeated bullying. Teachers and students in the school district had already undergone anti-bullying training after a similar suicide last year. Nevertheless, nothing was done about this case of repeated abuse. One of the admitted bullies, Chris Montelongo, said, “I can guarantee you it was most of the school who messed with Jon.” But none of the responsible adults noticed and intervened.
- An 11-year old Oklahoma boy, Ty Smalley, committed suicide after being bullied repeatedly for about two years. Despite the parents contact with the school, teachers, counselors and the principal never saw anything and never stopped the bullying. The parents were told things like, “Boys will be boys” and “It would be looked into.” According to Ty’s father, Kirk, the school never documented any of these conversations so they can now claim that they never knew.
The event that precipitated Ty’s suicide was when he finally retaliated against the bully he was suspended for three days while the bully, previously identified to the teachers, was suspended for only one day.
- An eight-year old in a Texas Elementary school tried to commit suicide, but survived his leap off the balcony of a school building. He had been repeatedly harassed but school officials had done nothing. His mother said that teachers kept telling her they’d “handle it” when she complained about the bullying over the past seven months. The last straw for the 8-year-old was when he was told to leave his classroom after two other boys pulled down his pants in front of the class.
The principal, Linda Bellard, said teachers never informed her of the harassment until the boy’s suicide attempt, although the child’s mother had visited the school seven times since September to complain about the problem.
Each of these cases will wind their way through courts, settlements will be reached in some, some school administrators will get off because there aren’t specific enough laws that require them to act and we’ll probably never know the whole truth because we weren’t there.
As a parent whose responsibility is to ensure the physical safety, and the mental, emotional and spiritual well-being of your child, you need to know how to get appropriate action from principals and teachers who will resist acting strongly and swiftly to stop bullies. Your child’s self-confidence, self-esteem and life depend on your skill.
- Complain to teachers, counselors and principals. But it’s never enough to complain or even to keep a record of your visit and conversation.
- Give the responsible adults one chance. Do they remove the bully? Do they continue to monitor the bully and his or her friends for further retaliation? Or do they remove your child? Do they excuse the bully’s behavior as, “Kids will be kids?” Do they say that the bully has a right to be educated in classes of his or her choice?
- Use “The Lucius Malfoy” test. Is your child’s principal standing up to the bullying parents of the school bully? Or will he or she cower in front of bullying parents who say their child does no wrong or who threaten to sue the school if anything happens to their little darling?
- If your principal fails theses test you must bring pressure to bear – immediately. Remember that principals fear three things more than anything else: loss of job, publicity and law suits.
- Get a lawyer and media publicity. Learn what constitutes evidence and documentation. Record all communication. Communicate in writing and have proof that school officials received the letters you write.
- Bullying is rarely an isolated event. Unite with other parents whose children are bullied. Get witnesses who will put their evidence in writing.
- Have support for the long-haul. Find people who’ll keep your spirits up through repeated set-backs. Find experts to help you plan tactics at each step of the way.
Have great appreciation for principals who simply won’t tolerate bullying – who will have strong, proactive programs to train their staff and who will act swiftly and firmly in response to complaints. Training is never enough: strong and courageous people are required to make these programs effective.
Have realistic expectations; don’t assume that principals, teachers, counselors and district administrators will be active in stopping bullies. Expect bullies’ parents to thwart your efforts. Expect most uninvolved people to look away. If nothing bad happens to bullies, expect other kids to pile on.
You’re on your own. Many children will give up if they’re not protected by adults; make sure that you know how to protect yours. Be the skillful advocate of your child’s safety and well-being.
Topics: Bullies at School, Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Stop Bullies Book | 13 Comments »
October 6th, 2010 at 8:02 am
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October 12th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
[...] Stop School-Bullying Suicides Caused by Do-Nothing Principals [...]
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:35 pm
[...] and self-esteem. It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation. It starts children down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide. Parents, when principals have gone on weeks and months making excuses why they allow the bullying [...]
April 17th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
[...] Principals who avoid the issue make the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless. It starts them down the path to being victims for life. It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem. It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation. It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide. [...]
May 2nd, 2011 at 4:01 pm
[...] What are the consequences to those caught up in sexting? The girl who sends her picture may be the subject of vicious attacks all her life. Her inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience will be tested. She may feel helpless and that her situation is hopeless. She may go down the path to being a victim for life. Her self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed. Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated. She can move toward isolation, depression and suicide. [...]
May 11th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
[...] imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead you down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide. Don’t believe [...]
August 3rd, 2011 at 1:57 am
I live in Australia, I was heavily bullied by both teachers and students at the school. My mother and father both complained but nothing was done. I moved schools and am much happier now. But I know that I could have come close to another one of your stats on this website if I hadn’t been moved.
Thanks for writing this and shining a light on the fails of some teachers, because of my experience I don’t trust teachers like I used to and I am a much angrier and darker person than I was. This has to stop.
August 5th, 2011 at 10:14 am
Hi Chloe,
Good for you for getting away!!!!
Remember: the world is full of beauty and ugly, good and bad, friends and enemies, jerks and great people. There’s nothing dark about that; that’s just the way it is.
“There are a million, million things of beauty. There are a million, million things of ugly. I have time for less than half a million so I’ll make them all be things of beauty.” Madame Valle
Now go find great people to have in your life. Please don’t waste time being angry and dark.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 14th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
[...] promote clear action by legislators and school districts; and to remove ones that tolerate bullies? How many more murders and suicides will it take to convince the teachers’ union that its best interests lie in fighting for strong [...]
February 26th, 2012 at 5:09 pm
[...] principals promote, collude and enable bullies to flourish in the dark. Do-nothing principals and teachers are a major factor in student [...]
May 1st, 2012 at 5:35 pm
My grandson, 13 years old, is bullied by several boys in his 8th grade class. He lives in a mormon community. He is not mormon. The mormons all claim to be related to each other in one way or another. Because Cris is not mormon and quiet because he percieves that he is not like them. He has tried to fit in by joining the drama class and participating in cross country running. The little guy wants to be liked. He does not talk badly about others or make fun of anyone. I helped to raise him this far, but I have moved. He was physically attacked by one of these people during school, on the school premises. My daughter was called to the school about it, and Cris was expelled. Even though he wanted nothing to do with it. Cris is an only child. He is lonely. I worry about him. Cris defended himself and one of the boys, who got the fight going, recorded it also. The fight was broadcasted on the internet. Cris did not loose the fight although he did not win either. We do not encourage him to fight. Although I was proud of him for finding the courage to defend himself. My daughter feels that I am overreacting when I tell her to get his story about how and where it happened. Log down everything, the meeting with the principal. The principle was completely on the other boys side. I would bet that she is also mormon. My grandson will attend this school for one more year. Can you help? I would not want my little guy to do something we will all regret. Thank You
May 9th, 2012 at 9:25 am
5-7-12
Hi Linda,
You’re in a tough position, trying to influence from a distance. The key step is getting your daughter to listen.
I think the school is a very bad place to be for your grandson unless your daughter can arm him mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what he’ll be subjected to.
It’s not his fault, but he is an outsider and he will be treated like a second or third class citizen.
Since all situations are different, you need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill. Please, find someone locally or call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching – 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
December 13th, 2012 at 10:56 am
[...] Be effective. Teach your children how not to be victims. Your children’s mental, emotional and physical well-being is at stake. [...]