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Stop Self-Bullying by Blame, Shame and Guilt
By Ben | September 1, 2010
If used well, blame and guilt don’t lead to self-bullying. They’re useful ways of motivating us to do better, even though they can cause a lot of wear and tear on our bodies, minds and hearts.
If we analyze our actions objectively we might take on the blame for some of what we did or failed to do. We can decide how to make amends. We can decide what actions would be better and we can strive to do better next time.
We can also use guilt and feeling ashamed of an action to motivate us to act better next time. That’s a hard way of motivating ourselves but it’s often effective.
However, wallowing or obsessing in blame or guilt without changing behavior is merely self-bullying. At some point, self-abuse becomes addictive and gratifying. There can be a sinister pay-off in the pleasure of feeling wretched.
Unrelenting and deep shame, on the other hand, leads to destructive self-bullying – negative self-talk, self-doubt and self-harassment, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and increased anxiety and depression.
By shame, I mean the idea that “There’s something wrong with me; I’m bad, evil or defective; I’ll never be free from sin; I’ll never succeed; I’m cursed.”
This kind of deep shame, as opposed to the way I’m using blame, guilt and feeling ashamed, is not focused on an action. This kind of deep shame points us at supposed defects deep within us, at defects that we can’t change, at defects in our identity. There’s no escape from the flaws we imagine are inherent and permanent. The self-laceration of this kind of shame is endless and self-defeating.
Where does this deep shame come from? We’re not born with this kind of shame. We’re born demanding that we be fed, clothed and have our diapers changed. Little babies don’t question whether they deserve to get what they need for survival; they demand it. That demanding approach is necessary for our survival.
Deep shame can only be taught to us through continued and brutal repetition – physical, verbal, emotional. Eventually, most children internalize constant harassment, criticism, put-downs and denigration – assaults on our identity.
Imagine how you’d feel if someone shouted or scolded you, 24/7, “You’re bad. You’re defective. You’re wrong. You shouldn’t have been born. You’ll never do better. I wish you were dead.”
However those harsh and shaming messages were thrown at us, whoever the bullies were, our task as adults is to leave them behind. The two critical steps in leaving home are to leave physically and to leave mentally-emotionally.
The first leaving is obvious to most of us; we get financially independent in order to stay physically independent. We test ourselves against the world, not our parent’s opinions. Can we earn a leaving? Can we meet people and make friends? Can we love and be loved?
The second leaving is mental, emotional and spiritual. We put aside all their beliefs, ideas, attitudes, values, opinions, rules, roles and moods – all the ways they thought mattered in how to face the world, how to earn a living, what equaled a good life, how to be a good person.
We put aside all the false ways they thought about us – whether we were good or bad, strong or weak, stupid or smart, pretty or ugly, hard-working or lazy, the prized child or the scapegoated child, probably going to be successful or guaranteed to fail, blessed to be happy or doomed to be miserable.
We put aside all we were handed when we were children and all we accepted because they were the big, right and righteous people and we were the little and learning people, and because we knew what would happen to us if we disagreed.
To become independent adults we must cast aside all of their opinions and, as independent no-longer children, we must choose and adopt our own beliefs. Some may be the same as theirs; some may be exactly the opposite.
The two important aspects of that mental, emotional and spiritual leaving: One is that our ideas are now adopted by us as adults, with our adult understandings, meanings and limitations. The second is that they are not carved in stone as childhood ideas are. We change them as we get feedback from the world – does this idea actually fit the reality I can now see clearly with adult eyes; does this way of facing the world get me closer to what I want; does it help me be and do good as I now think of that?
In this destroying and creating anew our inner world and our ideas of the ways of the outer world, we can choose whether to keep blame or guilt. But, in order to be free and independent, we must discard deep shame as a way of thinking about ourselves and of facing the world. We can excise the stain we once accepted, we can heal the great empty space we once had, and we can fill us with ourselves at our best. We can develop strength, courage and skill.
Then we can look back at the bullies in our family and decide whether to be with them at all or when and how to be with them. If they continue to bully us, if their bullying continues to trigger our self-bullying patterns we are better served by disconnecting, by making distance – electronically and physically.
If they treat us as newly made adults they’ve just met and want to be friends with, instead of forcing us back into their old images, instead of continuing to try to beat us into the shape they want we will probably want to be with them sometimes.
My recommendations: Don’t stay where you’re continually blamed, guilted or shamed. Be where you’re respected, appreciated, honored. Also, don’t accept the one of you that continually blames, guilts or shames you. Train and discipline yourself so that you have better internal self-talk. Live with the good inner coach you create, not with the internal bully who sounds like your parents, still ripping you down.
For clear examples, read in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” the studies of how Kathy, Doug, Jake and Carrie got away from bullying, abusive parents.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book | 18 Comments »
September 1st, 2010 at 5:41 pm
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October 5th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
I’ve been looking through a few of your posts–extremely helpful information.
I grew up in an abusive home and the most difficult task for me was not leaving, but mentally leaving. I didn’t even realize I was keeping my relationships with my parents going in my mind.
In fact, in the moment of abuse, I remember times when I would say to myself “this is wrong. this is not ok, I have to get out of here. I deserve better than this.” However, when I would mentally abuse myself–saying the things my parents did without realizing it–I had a harder time standing up for myself–it was too close when it was in me.
I thought it must be true if it was in my head.
Helpful post, thank you
October 6th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Hi Lori,
Thank you for describing the process so perfectly – knowing you’re being mistreated ? angry ? guilt ? self-abuse ? angry ?
In “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” I call it “The Emotional Motivation Cycle.”
You also got past the second step for most people in their growing independent: to get away mentally, emotionally and spiritually from those messages in your head. They weren’t yours originally.
For a description, see:
Getting over parents who wound their children
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/
I call those inner messages “Self-Bullying.”
Glad you got away.
You might also check out:
Stop Internal Wars and Negative Self-Talk
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/03/30/stop-internal-wars-and-negative-self-talk/
Best wishes,
Ben
October 6th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Thank you. You know I am 33 years old and it has taken me about that long to realize that even being hit was abusive. Well, I would know it then rationalize and doubt and so on … isn’t that amazing? I’m sure you have seen that a lot.
I also have seen where I have recreated my relationship with my parents with others.
I’m glad I found your blog. Your really know your stuff and I will direct people your way when the opportunity presents itself.
Thanks again
October 12th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Hi Lori,
Thanks for you comments. I know that many people will resonate and benefit from your experience.
Each person has areas in his life where it takes a long time for us to learn. The important thing is that you finally have.
We need expert coaching to change those old ideas that will finally lead us to make new relationships that feel wonderful instead on painful.
The book and CD set, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” are helpful, but you need an expert coach to help you design solutions in two areas:
1. Keeping you strong, courageous and persevering while you face a determined predator and scared/uncaring bystanders.
2. Designing tactics that fit your situation, your criteria and what you’re capable of.
Thanks for referring people to me. The phone is 303-458-616.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 8th, 2010 at 3:07 am
I feel that I look as if I can cope with lots, I have been bullied in my marriage for 30 years. I was bullied as a child as I was obese and just smiled ND PUT UP WITH IT
November 18th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Hi Sarah,
Stop putting up with it!
I assume it seems hard to change now after 30 years. So what if it’s hard? You have good years left. Make them great. What’s better to do with your time?
Do more than cope … get free and soar! Live your life.
See what Lucy did in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest on the website (www.BulliesBeGone.com) or from this blog site.
Being obese is no reason to let people who should be lovin’ you, whack you instead.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 19th, 2011 at 9:16 pm
[...] They also won’t suffer from anxiety, nightmares, negative self-talk and depression because they’ll be successful in her real world. The bullying and beatings will make them as tough as nails. They’ll wipe out your kids; you lazy, slacking, guilt-ridden, ambivalent, permissive American parents. [...]
May 2nd, 2011 at 3:21 pm
[...] be so nasty, vicious and violent. If she talks to herself with his voice, she’ll never leave. If she accepts the guilt and shame she’ll keep trying to please him, but she’ll never succeed. She convinces herself she’ll [...]
May 9th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
[...] be so nasty, vicious and violent. If she talks to herself with his voice, she’ll never leave. If she accepts the guilt and shame she’ll keep trying to please him, but she’ll never succeed. She convinces herself she’ll [...]
May 15th, 2011 at 9:19 pm
[...] disagree with all those assumptions. Also, if you accept the guilt, blame and responsibility, you’ll be a victim for [...]
June 12th, 2011 at 5:59 pm
[...] to someone else before they should treat you the way you want to be treated? Are you filled with blame, shame and guilt? Do you think that if you were only kinder, nicer, more understanding and more caring, if you [...]
June 19th, 2011 at 8:26 pm
[...] You’re strong and wise and brave and you have me to keep reminding you that you’ll be fine. Stop bullying yourself. Take power over yourself. So choose to be fine; dedicate and discipline yourself. Choose to [...]
July 3rd, 2011 at 2:15 pm
[...] your space anger-free. You and the children are targets, not victims. Their anger is not your fault. Dedicate yourself to protecting yourself and the children. Decide that only behavior counts, [...]
November 27th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
[...] he was saying and what was happening. She couldn’t sleep, she wallowed in negative self-talk, shame and guilt, and became grumpy and angry at her family and at work. She got anxious and depressed. She even [...]
December 5th, 2011 at 2:25 pm
[...] and to find a mental place in which to keep him that doesn’t stimulate any self-bullying by blame, shame or guilt – just like he’d do to her again if he had the [...]
December 10th, 2011 at 8:31 am
Hi Tara,
Thanks for recommending my articles. Hope they help your readers also.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 12th, 2011 at 5:00 pm
[...] a thousand deaths. That’s an underestimate. If we don’t protest, our negative self-talk, blame, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, stress and depression will pervade our lives. Our lives will shrivel like [...]