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Can You Rescue Your Grandchildren from Your Toxic Child?
By Ben | August 16, 2010
Let’s analyze a worst-case scenario for loving, caring parents.
You were pretty good parents but one of your children has turned out toxic – not a psychopath but someone who acts like she (or he) hates you.
It’s not your fault, but she blames you for not giving her everything she wanted or wants now, she’ll be sweet one moment and then abusive, vicious and hateful the next, she harasses and bullies you relentlessly when she wants something; she tries to involve the rest of the family in her schemes and feuds. Or her boyfriend or husband hates you and she goes along with it and it gets worse every year. And they’re narcissistic losers; they barely have enough money and you know that they’ll leech off you forever if you let them.
It breaks your heart, but finally you realize that you can’t help by giving them what they can’t earn themselves. They’ll bleed you dry and still blame their problems on you. They’ll bully and abuse you forever if you let them. So you expect to live your whole life with the emotional pain of knowing that, despite your best efforts, you planted a bad seed. But at least you can distance yourself physically and monetarily.
But that’s not the worst-case. The worst-case is when that toxic child has children. Your daughter has let you play with your grandchild, let you grow to love him and vice versa. Of course he loves you; you’re the sane rock in his life. He’s safe around you – no craziness, no yelling and screaming, no lies and broken promises, and no anxiety, brutality or manipulation of his affections like in his interactions with his mother and father. You treat him with loving kindness and he can trust what you say. When he’s with you he’s not stressed out; not blamed, guilty and abused for everything he does wrong.
The worst-case is when your daughter starts blackmailing you emotionally. She won’t let you see your grandchild unless you play her games and give her everything she wants. She raises the ante every day. You know she lies to your grandchild about you and why he doesn’t see you. It’s worse if she’s divorced because then you get jerked around and thrust in the middle by her ex-spouse and his family.
You love your grandson. He’s important to you, you’re important to him and you hope you can be a lifeline to help him make a better life than the chaos he’s growing up in. But no matter what you do, it’ll be wrong and your daughter will blame and abuse you. There will be days when you want to run away, leave no forwarding address, change your names and fingerprints, get new social security numbers and telephones. But you won’t because of the hope you can help your grandson.
What can you do to stop the bullying and extricate yourself from a horrible situation?
- Usually there’s little you can do legally. It’s hard to exercise “grandparents rights” if your daughter or her spouse won’t let you. You can consult a lawyer and learn to document enough evidence to show delinquency and neglect so you can get custody, but that’s a faint hope.
- You have to make one of the hardest decisions for anyone; how much will you sacrifice in order to get any time with your grandson? Realize that no matter what you decide, your heart will be broken thousands of times until he’s independent and maybe even for your whole life. Recognize also that nothing you do will change your daughter – this pain and violence to your spirit will go on as long as she has any control over your grandson. Understand that she will trample any boundaries you think you’ve set.
- There is no magic bullet that will cure her. You won’t bring her to her senses, help her to act reasonably and consistently, make her to keep her promises, convert her to see that the child is better off with you or get her away from a controlling husband. Even if you act reasonably, she won’t. You’ll never understand why she does what she does; she’s selfish, nasty and changeable from moment to moment. You’ll be embroiled in her painful games and anger as long as she controls your grandson. Each episode will rip you apart.
- Suppose you choose to get as much time with your grandson as you can; what are the best things you can do to help him? Most people choose this path. After all, how can we give up, turn our backs and live with our broken hearts?
- In a loving couple, most grandparents differ over how much time and money they’re willing pay and how much pain they can stand for the privilege of seeing their grandchild. Love each other and keep working with that difference, knowing that both your hearts are broken anew every day. Don’t let this drive a wedge between you.
- Plant seeds in your grandchild. He sees the truth but he’s told by his parents that his vision is wrong. He needs to learn to trust his vision. He needs you to tell him that what he sees about his home and parents is true. He’s not crazy – he didn’t do anything to deserve it; it’s not his fault; it’s just the way it is. That won’t confuse him; that’ll reinforce his confidence and self-esteem. He needs to know who’s jerking all of you around and the price you all have to pay as long as he’s in their clutches.
- Collude with him to lie to his parents. Strong children – survivors – sense what they need to do in order to stay safe in a chaotic and hostile world. For example; he can’t say he’s having too much fun with you; that he loves you too much; that he’d rather be with you. He already knows what he has to hide.
- Make a safe place for his heart and his favorite stuff. With you, he can dream big and not get his dreams crushed or used against him. Keep your promises consistently. Let him express his frustration and anger. Anger is better than apathy or depression. You can express your helplessness. At your home, don’t let him use the tactics he sees at your daughter’s home. Appeal to his better nature. Be very gentle with correction and discipline; he gets yelled at enough at home.
- Prepare him emotionally and spiritually for the future. The more he can ignore his crazy parents, the better. Keep a spark alive in him that by biding his time, one day he’ll get free. He has to stop the bully in his head. When he’s 18 (to pick a number) he can leave and make his own way. Remind him of all the great and wonderful people who escaped from cages and prisons. He owes your toxic daughter, his mother, absolutely nothing.
- Prepare him economically for the future. For him to live free he must plan to become monetarily independent. Depending on his brains and talents, he has to develop a marketable skill, even if his parents don’t like it and he has to do it in secret. Help him do that now and when he leaves home.
- You’re unique – make up your tactics as you go along. Get support to vent and help to plan.
Many children are too weak to overcome their toxic parenting. But there are always some who are invulnerable to horrible circumstances, some who keep that spark alive and get free from the cage or prison they’ve been trapped in.
Your heart insists that you try to help your grandchildren. For clear examples, read in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” the studies of how Kathy, Doug, Jake and Carrie got away from manipulative or toxic parents. Also, see the example of teenage Stacy bullying her mother.
In almost all cases where the child flies free, they never look back and neither do their grandparents. If they or you look back, you’ll be turned into pillars of salt.
Endure the pain because of the hope. Good luck.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Public Speaking, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 9 Comments »
August 17th, 2010 at 6:24 am
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December 21st, 2010 at 12:30 pm
“She harasses and bullies you relentlessly when she wants something; she tries to involve the rest of the family in her schemes and feuds. Or her boyfriend or husband hates you and she goes along with it and it gets worse every year”
UNTRUE, in most cases.
“The worst-case is when your daughter starts blackmailing you emotionally. She won’t let you see your grandchild unless you play her games and give her everything she wants”
I guess wanting respect = “playing games”.
“You know she lies to your grandchild about you and why he doesn’t see you.”
I have never spoken poorly about my parents to my children. I just don’t speak about them, period. And when I do, I will merely speak the truth, brief and to the point.
“document enough evidence to show delinquency and neglect so you can get custody”
FCK! Plotting to steal the child!
“There is no magic bullet that will cure her. You won’t bring her to her senses, help her to act reasonably and consistently, make her to keep her promises, convert her to see that the child is better off with you or get her away from a controlling husband. Even if you act reasonably, she won’t. You’ll never understand why she does what she does; she’s selfish, nasty and changeable from moment to moment. You’ll be embroiled in her painful games and anger as long as she controls your grandson. Each episode will rip you apart.”
No mention AT ALL that they may have contributed to this mess, not one iota!
Collude with him to lie to his parents.
FCK! Teach him to lie!
Oh, I have to stop now. Not one single word urging these grandparents to search their hearts to ask how they are a part of this.
December 27th, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Hi DDvonHH,
I’m sorry about what I guess is your pain on the other side of this coin.
In this post and my responses, I wasn’t balancing both sides of toxic parents and toxic children. I was focusing on one side – toxic children.
Both sides are accurate depending on the situation. I’ve posted articles about the other side – getting away from toxic parents, getting over being wounded by toxic parents and creating a wonderful life, far away, despite them.
I think that getting far away – mentally, emotionally and physically – is often or usually the best choice. Don’t waste your life in endless and unproductive arguments with toxic parents. Don’t try to prove you’re right. They’ll take your energy endlessly.
Pour your energy into creating wonderful life for yourself.
That’s what Doug and Jake and Ralph, who had mean parents, did in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 26th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
I have a friend going through this. She raised 3 daughters alone, after finally divorcing her abusive (19 years worth!) ex-husband. Her new husband has been like a father to her kids.
One son-in-law turned the daughters against the parents, using the best weapon he could find: he encouraged them to re-connect with their father. (The mother never forbade contact, and it was the daughters who didn’t want their father at their weddings.)
Two couples are not allowing the grandparents to see the grandchildren, and have lied to the children about why the grandparents have disappeared.
The sons-in-law are all very controlling. One has been seen to shove his wife.
How can I advise and support my friend.
January 28th, 2011 at 9:08 am
Hi Eve,
Sounds like the girls are repeating the attraction to men like their birth father. How sad. How painful.
The daughters will probably reject any approaches but make them anyway so she knows that she tried.
Usually people like the daughters have to learn the hard way over time. There’s little your friend can do directly until they learn. Then she might be able to give them words of encouragement, strength and courage to get away from their husbands.
Write letters to the grandchildren and send them and save copies until the kids are independent. Mention the presents you bought that you’re not allowed to send. Ignore the sons-in-laws instructions to stop sending them. Ignore the daughter’s pleas not to make it harder on them. They’re the ones who can make it easier by getting free.
Then give them to the grandchildren when they’re grown-up so they can see the truth.
Pray and cry.
For anyone reading this, remember there’s always a high price people pay for every extra day they stay with abusive spouses. Get away ASAP.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 31st, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Thanks, Ben.
In this situation, unfortunately, the daughters have “drunk the Kool-Aid” and are distancing the grandparents, too.
This includes blocking all communication with the grandchildren. Letters and gifts are destroyed or returned. I would guess only 1 grandchild is old enough to really remember the grandparents who adore her. She seems to have been told either that her grandparents don’t care about her anymore or have died. I’d call that child abuse… among other things.
February 2nd, 2011 at 6:37 am
Hi Eve,
That’s terrible.
What I aid still goes. The grandparents can only save all the stuff and hope to show the grandchildren when they grow up that they’ve been lied to. If they’re lucky, one or two will believe them because they’ve seen first-hand how their parents are.
I don’t see any other way because I think there’s nothing here that Social Services would act on.
And tears and prayer.
Sometimes, I recommend that the grandparents find other children to love. Not as a replacement but because the act of loving and being loved in return is good for their souls. Maybe at the children’s cancer ward of a hospital. Maybe at a shelter for battered women and their children.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 31st, 2011 at 5:26 am
Oldest daughter is holding children hostage. Demands that we only see them at her house where she can be rude and insulting to us while we are there. Long story, daughter has systematically attacked her three sisters and has alienated the entire extended family. Two of the five are his kids. The parents expect us to grandparent his kids the same as our own and do not reciprocate, acknowledge or respond to any gifts, or outreach we do. Oldest child is suffering much as she is the object of their wrath.
what do we do?
June 1st, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Hi Cheryl,
This is one of the most painful situations there is.
Sounds like this particular daughter has a real problem with everyone in the family and we may need more details to design a plan that fits.
I’ll assume that there no good reason to restrict your playing withy your grandchildren. Even if your daughter thinks something horrible happened in her childhood that she’s still angry about, she’s an adult now and is in charge of and responsible for how she feels and what she does.
In general, you have two choices:
1. Put up with being controlled and bullied so you can see your grandchildren. Including opening your hearts to his.
2. Set boundaries of being treated decently and politely (not being abused) and run the risk they’ll cut you off from the kids.
In either case the chances are they won‘t ever thank or appreciate you, or apologize or respond in kind.
Sometimes/rarely kids do get it but it’s usually much later in life.
Through phone coaching I’ve helped lots of people in the same situation maintain or increase their determination, strength, perseverance and skill. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. Please call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543)
Best wishes,
Ben