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Guilt: Bad, Good; Unhealthy, Healthy; Useless, Effective
By Ben | August 2, 2010
When is guilt bad; when is guilt good? When is it a normal, healthy emotion and when is it harmful? Most people try to answer these questions the wrong way. And they forgot to consider how bullies try to use our guilt to harass and abuse us. Most people analyze whether the guilt we feel in a particular situation is right, is what we should feel because we’re behaving or behaved badly, is normal because the average person should or would feel guilty for acting the same way.
But let’s stand the approach on its head.
Let’s not judge the actions and situation by some external standards of right or wrong. Instead, let’s look at guilt as if it’s a force for motivation, as if the purpose of guilt is to get us to do differently or better, as if we keep replaying the guilty feelings until we act to make things better, until we live up to our own standards.
When I think this way, the picture is much clearer.
- For most people, “bad, unhealthy, useless” guilt then becomes a major form of “self-bullying” that’s a waste of time. We’re not proud of ourselves. We run ourselves down, beat ourselves up, feel ashamed and harm ourselves. Or we cover up the guilt, declare ourselves innocent and blame the other person. We become righteous and indignant; it’s not our fault. Or we wallow publicly in guilt, looking for sympathy. But we don’t do better. We keep repeating the actions we feel guilty about. Wallowing in guilt, perfectionism and continued self-bullying increases stress and leads to loss of confidence, low self-esteem and depression. And, eventually, we may even get a thrill from self flagellation. We’ll resent people who take the fun out of our misery.
- “Good, healthy, effective” guilt leads us to do something productive. We stop procrastinating, get over addictions, act better toward people, set boundaries we need, live up to our highest standards and make amends. Some examples: we apologize for being nasty to our kids, spouse or partner and don’t do it again; we do the difficult chores at home or work that we’ve been avoiding; we give more generously to those in need; we pay our share; we return the stuff we’ve borrowed; we stop making sarcastic and catty remarks about our friends’ clothes, habits children and struggles to lose weight. We know many specific situations in our own lives.
- What if people don’t feel guilt when they should? Looking with this perspective, we can see them as not motivated to change and as being aboveboard at it. I can trust that they don’t have the standards I do. Good. Now I know that I have to protect myself against them. Many bullies act ashamed and contrite. They promise to change and they bring candy, flowers and sweet words. I look at the behavior. If they don’t change, I wish them well in their therapy and rehabilitation, but I won’t go on that roller coaster ride with them. The pain is too much. From them, I have to protect the island my kids and I live on. I vote them off our island, no matter what the relationship and their suffering, promises and claims that I owe them so much that I should allow them to abuse and brutalize me.
- How do bullies use our guilt? Predators are always on the attack. They try to get us to question the purity of our motives and past behavior. Stealth bullies are especially effective at this. Once we start questioning ourselves, our imperfections, self-doubt, negative self-talk, self-hatred and self-loathing will keep us stuck; weak and easy prey. We won’t have the strength, courage and perseverance to stop them. Before bullies would admit they need to change, they want us to waste our time trying to be perfect according to their standards. For example, see the case studies of Carrie, Kathy and Ralph responding to guilt-tripping bullies in different situations in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
- Guilt is over-rated as a motivating force. When we’re kids, we all try guilt to get us to do what we don’t want to. Then we become afraid that if we stop whipping ourselves, we’ll become lazy, immoral and unfeeling slugs and failures. But as adults, we can transition to motivation strategies that depend on the desire to do what’s good and right, and makes us joyful.
Joining our highest standards to our passion creates a different one of us, gives us a different motivating force and creates a different world for us. Yes, that’s a big change. But it’s a change we’ve hungered for.
How different our worlds would be if we stood up for ourselves, our families and what’s right because we are passionate in service to our best and strongest, not ashamed and guilty of what we did wrong?
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Public Speaking, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 8 Comments »
August 2nd, 2010 at 9:35 pm
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August 10th, 2010 at 8:53 am
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August 16th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
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August 28th, 2010 at 5:42 am
My mother-in-law is the “queen of guilt”. A toxic parent with an assortment of “issues”, she uses tears, pleadings and ultimately guilt in attempts to get her grown children to do her bidding. My husband was, and still is, a frequent target of her guilt trips. The guilt trips, however, are her way of covering up for totally screwing things up with her drama.
We are working hard to break the cycle of drama that has had his family in turmoil for over thirty years.
As they refuse to admit any wrong-doing (and I could write a book using just my notes, court documents, etc from the past thirteen years), the solution we have decided upon – for our own well being and that of our pre-teen son – is to put our house up for sale and move far away.
Perhaps one day we can work with other adult children of toxic parents and parents of adult toxic children (we have one of those, too). I am glad to have found this site. The resources – both for support and in the legal realm (it’s no crime to be a drama queen) – are few and far between.
August 29th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Hi Survivor,
Glad you’re still working to break away. I don’t see her behavior changing no matter what your husband does.
He’s the key. He has to develop the wisdom, strength, courage and grit to get away. Then he can carry through an effective plan. If not, you’ll be stuck forever.
Your son needs you to create a life where the air is freer and your energy isn’t trapped by a “black-hole mother.”
When you mention “court documents,” it sounds like the situation is complicated and simply moving to the other side of the country won’t be enough. Often, in these tangled webs, we also have to break strangling ties with our siblings.
I hope that soon you’ll get beyond “survivor,” to something that describe who you are by your future…not what you had to struggle through. Maybe “success” or “great mom” or “remarkable.”
Two great quotes:
“Dare to be remarkable.” Jane Gentry
“Define yourself by the best that is in you, not by the worst that has happened to you.” Edward Lewis
Read the studies of Kathy, Carrie, Doug, and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” for examples when court documents didn’t matter. But Doug did have to be willing to give up his inheritance.
Sounds like expert coaching would help.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 1st, 2010 at 4:10 pm
[...] Guilt: Bad, Good; Unhealthy, Healthy; Useless, Effective [...]
March 14th, 2011 at 9:16 am
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September 4th, 2011 at 3:09 pm
[...] succeed; we still could have done more. Did we fail; it’s our fault.” Testing ourselves is a motivation strategy, “Figure out what’s wrong with us and improve it.” And behind it is the hidden message, [...]