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Don’t let Toxic Step-Fathers and Colluding Mothers Keep Abusing You
By Ben | March 4, 2010
Toxic step-fathers and step-mothers are clichés because they’re all too common. But the ubiquity of harassment, bullying and verbal, sexual and physical abuse doesn’t diminish the pain and long-term damage inflicted on defenseless kids.
Of course, kids can also treat their step-parents cruelly, and step-mothers and biological parents can also be relentlessly cruel, but let’s focus here on step-fathers who abuse their size, control and power.
These step-fathers sexually abuse one or all of their step-daughters while the moms ignore the evil. The perpetrators are to blame and the daughters’ anger is rightly focused on these men.
But let’s also look at the moms who won’t see or hear anything bad about their new husbands even though the complaints and evidence are clear, and the damage to their children is striking.
Later, when the complaints and evidence are brought forth by the now-adult and articulate children, these mothers will usually still defend and excuse the predators they invited into their homes. Typically, the mothers whine and demand that their children should perpetuate the lies and secrets. “After all,” they complain, “they deserve a little happiness after all they’ve suffered. Their daughters should understand how hard it was for them.”
Nonsense. These narcissistic mothers deserve nothing; certainly not the allegiance of their abused daughters. Most daughters make repeated overtures of friendship to their uncaring and unsympathetic mothers. The daughters hope that by understanding why their mothers didn’t protect and defend them they’ll be able to forgive their mothers and maintain a loving connection.
I hope that the emotional blackmail and manipulation contained in the word “forgiveness” will be the last straw. How can the mothers heal the wounds they ignored and let fester during years of abuse? In addition, these mothers rarely start making amends by getting rid of the perpetrators.
The daughters, who held the pain and trauma when they were young, are still left holding the emotional bag. There’s no way they can release their anger by simply beating the bullies to death or making them burn slowly, even though he deserves even worse.
Separate from what social services and the police might have been able to do, what can the adult children do now?
- Don’t debate or argue. Don’t try to get your mother and step-father to admit what they did. They can keep you hung up, focusing on them for years. Take your time and energy away from them and focus on a new life.
- Stop abusing yourself with negative self-talk and predictions of failure that increase self-doubt, stress and depression, and destroy self-confidence and self-esteem. Convert those inner, self-bullying voices into helpful coaches.
- Get away from both your mother and step-father; physically and emotionally. Get away from triggers that are guaranteed to keep you in emotional turmoil. Don’t let abusers keep hitting a very black-and-blue area of your body, emotions and spirit. Distance and no contact will help you focus on your present and future instead of on your past.
- Don’t let your children near them. More important than their knowing their toxic grandparents is your protecting them from emotional and physical perpetrators. Be a model for them to keep a flame of strength, courage and determination burning in their hearts no matter what happens to them.
- Forget about understanding and forgiveness; let these come in their own time, if they ever do. Understanding why that old man, who may or may not be truly sorry now, could torture you like he did does not excuse or justify the behavior. Understanding how your mother could allow you to be tortured does not excuse or justify the behavior. Understanding why they maintained a conspiracy of silence then and now does not excuse or justify the behavior.
- Become internally invulnerable. Use the past pain to inspire your present life. I know that’s easy to say and hard to do. Find people to remind you of your fighting spirit when your energy flags. Get an expert coach to help you put the wounds behind you. Fill the mental space in front of you with your vision of the present and future you want.
Don’t let toxic step-fathers and colluding mothers ruin any more of your life than they did when they had physical control of you. You’re now an adult. You have control of your physical, emotional and spiritual island. Vote them off it.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, parenting |
March 15th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
[…] Don’t let Toxic Step-Fathers and Colluding Mothers Keep Abusing You […]
June 29th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
my daughters husband continues to abuse her oldest son and my daughter. I have tried to legally find a solution but I’m finding that the laws don’t protect children, only if their is obvious signs of physical. The guy was extremely ab
used sexually when he was a child. He is scary.
July 9th, 2010 at 7:23 am
Hi Susan,
I’m so sorry. You’re in one of the toughest spots there is – lots of pain and no power to change things.
If your daughter won’t use your help to get away, there’s little you can do. There are a couple of paths you can choose from – all of them full of long-term frustration and pain.
1. Hang in, look the other way and suffer for years hoping you can have a little influence for the good on your grandson.
2. See a lawyer and learn what signs the police and social services will react to in your state. Then report them and try to get the grandchildren. The hope is not that they’ll change (they won’t); the hope is that you can become the guardian of your grandson. If you act, your daughter and her husband will use that as an excuse to hate you but you may be able to help that grandson. The other children will also suffer.
3. Turn away so you don’t have your nose rubbed in it.
Obviously, every path is painful. No matter what you do your daughter and husband will blame their nastiness on you. But none of that is your fault. They’re just looking for excuses and justifications.
It might help to write letters to your grandchildren. Send them and save copies so you can show them what their parents denied them.
Also see the blog post, “Stop Bullying by Adult, Toxic Children,” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/07/01/stop-bullying-by-toxic-adult-children/
And I’ll write another one soon about what to tell your grandson to try to keep the spark of hope alive in him.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 10th, 2010 at 2:25 am
Hi Dr Ben,
I was sexually and emotionally abused by my father and brother (seperately) for many years. After keeping the silence for decades, I decided to confront them so they can stop the current emotional abuse, not to get revenge. My parents retaliated severely: I had to move cities away because they made my life intolerable; my dad (who is a minority shareholder in my company) is trying to ruin us - and is presently succeeding to sabotage a very lucrative deal for the company. I have cut off contact with my parents the past 4 months and do not respond to their personal threats/attacks. However, I feel I cannot be the nice girl anymore. I hoped that through my not giving them a reaction, they would see they can no longer control me. But it seems to fuel them. I can make their life hell if I wanted to by going to the church, newspapers etc. But I chose to honor them to give them a chance to “repent” in private. Also, he’s a lawyer and will sue his own daughter for slander. Like many abuse victims, it is my word against his and I’m scared that by going public I will awaken a monster that will worsen the situation. I don’t think they’re going to stop and my other shareholders are placing pressure on me to handle the situation. What on earth can I do?
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Hi LF,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back in touch with you.
I believe you. And, unfortunately, your experience is all too common. They bully and abuse you, then deny it and then they go after you as if you did something wrong.
They will not change. They will misinterpret and retaliate no matter what you say or do. And their nasty, vicious actions will always be your fault. You’ll be damned if you do; damned if you don’t.
Accept that. You can’t change them by begging, bribery, minimizing or appeasing. You can’t change them by defeating them. You can only stop them and keep them stopped. Predators are predators are predators. They don’t change their spots. Don’t believe any promises.
They may be the family of your genes but they’re not the family of your heart or spirit. Be nice to yourself, to the future you that you want to be and to your shareholders who are counting on you.
You do know that ultimately you will have to be tactically smart in order to stop them. Treat them just like you would anyone else trying a hostile takeover.
If you bow to them, they’ll make your life miserable as long as they live and beyond, through their wills. If you fight smart, it’ll be ugly but it’s your only hope of gaining your own life.
Let your lawyer do the talking. Don’t be your own lawyer. Be careful – pick a lawyer your dad can’t subvert.
Get an expert coach to:
1. Keep your strength, courage and perseverance high.
2. Plan tactics along with your lawyer.
What’s the price of giving in to bullies? Slow erosion of your soul.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
July 26th, 2010 at 2:35 am
Hi Ben,
Thank you for your comments. We have gone to our very competent lawyer a few weeks ago and he is handling it but in our country it is not so easy to get rid of disgruntled shareholders. I have indeed asked the lawyer to treat my father as he would any other shareholder, but my father is clever and keeps on throwing paperwork at us. Our legal bill is enormous and I’m doing all I can to keep my team positive and to convince them that my dad is only bluffing - that his threats cannot really harm us. My shareholders say that I should not communicate with my parents in order to “save” the company, i.e. I should not start manipulating to get them to backoff, but I’m tired of just keeping quiet - my business and personal life is intertwined due to my parents.
Last week my father phoned to tell me my mother was dying and that I only had a short time to make things “right”. I actually started laughing while listening to the voicemail because I knew he was lying. Just in case, I checked with all the hospitals and of course she wasn’t there. The next day my mother sent me a text and quoted from the 10 Commandments saying I should not “bear false witness” implying that I was lying about the sexual abuse. I ignored their manipulative tactics for a week but sent a text yesterday saying that I loved them, that I’m not ignoring them out of spite but that I’m not going to respond to their manipulative tactics to make contact (I have not spoken to them in 5 months and they don’t know where I am). I said I hoped they would approach me in love so we can rebuild our relationship.
I don’t really care at this stage that we ever have a relationship but if we do, it will be on my terms and with my boundaries in place. Do you think that if they knew my heart, they would backoff from pursuing my business? Our legal advisers keep saying that we should treat my parents with kid gloves as we cannot afford to have a legal battle at this stage - even if we could win it. So, even if I want them out of the business, they could make life very difficult and scare off potential investors.
What tactics can I use to stand my ground but still be “nice”?
Thank you
LF
July 27th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
Hi LF,
Your situation – which has both personal and business complications, and mutually exclusive values competing for your attention – requires personal coaching. You need to understand clearly what you’re up against before you can develop tactics that will be effective for you and your shareholders.
Typically, your family will never back off until they’re made to.
Also, a lot will depend on the limitations you impose on your behavior as a “nice” girl. If the limitations were accepted by you as a child, you’ll fail. If the limitations are those of an adult woman who is also a businesswoman, then you have a chance.
Please call me or find an expert locally.
Best wishes,
Ben