« Can Grandparents Stop Controlling Sons-in-Law? | Home | Stop Bullies: Recognize Governor Sanford’s Abusive Behavior »
Stop Toxic Parents and Grandparents: Shine a Light
By Ben | February 16, 2010
Should you tell your children about your toxic parents, their toxic grandparents? What should you tell them and how?
Imagine that your parents no longer abuse you physically or sexually, but they still demean you, scapegoat you, ignore or scorn you, make nasty, hostile, sarcastic remarks and put-downs, and let you know that you’re not good enough. No matter what you do or don’t do, you’re wrong. They take charge of your life when you see them and break appointments whenever they feel like it. Their wants and feelings are the center of the world and you don’t count.
Imagine also that you used to think that if you told them, in just the right way and at the right time, how hurtful their treatment was and is, they’d stop. Or that you used to think your job was to rise above that treatment because they’re your parents, they’re getting old, they’re suffering, they deserve a little peace and happiness, and you owe them.
When can you stop trying to build bridges? When can you cut off communication? When can you tell your children why?
Harassment, bullying and verbal, physical and sexual abuse is usually multi-generational. Families help perpetuate the abusive behavior by keeping secrets and telling lies. If you give them a chance, your parents will likely do to your children what they did to you. The old wounds still throb even if your parents are nice sometimes. They still bleed when your parents repeat the same old treatment even now.
When you grow up, you may vow to break the cycle and treat your children better, but how can you protect them from the example they see of their grandparents still bullying you or them now? And how can you stop obsessing on your childhood trauma or yesterday’s verbal battering?
Once you’ve tried everything you can think of, every approach, every sweet way of suggesting or speaking truthfully (say, a thousand times) and your parents (or step-parents) still protect each other, perpetuate the lies and tell you that you’re nasty and crazy, I think that’s enough.
Protect yourself and your children, turn your back to them, and create a safe and wonderful island of life for your family. That means that your parents don’t get on it.
See the case studies of Carrie, Jake and Doug in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” for some tactics that were successful.
Some suggestions:
- Always remember the effects on your life and how they tried to crush your spirit. Don’t let a running, internal debate about them suck all your energy down a black hole. Stop negative self-talk; it’ll only discourage and depress you, increase self-doubt, destroy self-confidence and self-esteem, keep you fixated and stuck, and take your eyes off the great future you want for yourself and your family.
- You don’t need more understanding of them. You don’t need to save them from themselves or each other. Don’t be their therapist. Let them fix themselves on their own time and their own bodies; not yours.
- Spirit counts more than biology. Start calling them by their first names. Don’t give them titles they don’t deserve, like “Grandma” or “Grandpa.”
- Don’t argue or debate with your parents. You’ll never convince them that you’re doing the right thing. Bullies always want what they want – to feast on your feelings and flesh. Simply tell them that they’re off your island. Take steps to cut off communication. Change your phone numbers and e-mails. Move if you have to.
- Tell your children what’s age appropriate. They don’t need the gory details when they’re six, but they do when they’re sixteen. Gather them together and make it a serious occasion. The framework is that they need to know how to protect themselves and to set standards for their own behavior. Don’t go into psychoanalytical reasons why your parents did it or why they, and maybe the rest of the family, collude to protect them. That’s obvious. You’ll probably have to re-visit the conversation.
- Be invulnerable. That’s the term coined by Victor and Mildred Goertzel in their study of the lives of more than 300 famous 20th-century men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962). Instead of finding that these highly successful people had wonderful parents, they found that many had agonizing childhoods spent in bleak, troubled homes, including domineering, alcoholic, rage-aholic or neglectful parents. They described the children who succeeded, despite a psychologically damaging childhood, as resilient or invulnerable.
- Be a model for your children. Show them that abusive behavior drives people away. Show them how to stand up to abuse, which sometimes means creating distance instead of being sucked into a battle that ties up your life.
- Create a new family including new elders; a family of your heart and spirit. Have so much fun, bring so much joy that there’s not a hole anymore that would be filled with thoughts of biological grandparents.
- Get an expert coach to increase your determination, perseverance, courage and resilience, and to create tactics for your individual situation.
Your task is to create a fabulous life. Don’t let toxic parents or grandparents – or siblings or friends – ruin it. Shine a light on bullies. Your children need you to show them how to thrive in the face of abuse, cover-ups and lies.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 54 Comments »
March 23rd, 2010 at 8:12 am
Ben, Thanks for taking the time to write and post this. Please know that you touched at least one household with this information.
March 24th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Hi AnonyMom,
Thanks for letting me know. That inspires me to keep going.
Keep on doing great.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 13th, 2010 at 6:36 pm
Thanks Ben. This really helped me. I have been feeling physically ill thinking about seeing my Mother because it seems every encounter is toxic and leaves me feeling like I must need therapy. I feel happy when I don’t see her and have worried about the effect on my children when they hear her lie to me and all her negative\paranoid toxic talk and attitude towards life.
I’ve decided to cut her out of my life and just deciding it has made me feel so much better.
Thanks!!
April 14th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Hi Sarah,
Good for you.
Most of us get motivated in order to set a good example for our children. They need that example set!
Carrie, Jake and Doug are examples of people who stopped bullying parents in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2010 at 11:08 pm
My husband’s family have bullied me until finally I had to cut off contact with them. My husband is so ashamed and feels horrible that he couldn’t stop their constant torments. A cousin of my husband, emailed put downs and taunts about me in an email and stupidly cc’d me. When my husband informed her that she behaved horribly, she replied that I should overlook her bad behavior for family unity. When my husband replied that we will not see her again until she shows remorse, she replied that my husband is a “sick and evil man,” further displaying her bullying nature.
April 20th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Hi Barbara,
Sounds horrible. And I’m glad you have clear evidence.
Bullies often try emotional blackmail using general values (love, family unity, preserve relationship) to keep their targets around to accept the bullies’ rotten actions.
As I detail in “How to Stop Bullies in their tracks,” I always ask the targets, “Is this the specific relationship and the specific behavior you want?” Usually, the answer is “No!!!!!!” I want better.”
Bullies like your husband’s family are predators. They rarely stop. Read the case studies of Kathy, Doug and Jake.
I usually don’t applaud shame, but in this case, your husband’s shame is there to motivate him to stop wasting his time trying to convert predators, but instead to leave. Don’t expose your children to people who treat you like that. Adults can leave. That’s the best way to get bullies and predators out of your life.
Of course they’ll blame on you and him – bullies always do. That can be a reminder to stay away. Don’t argue with them. Tell them “good-bye.” Don’t answer phone calls, delete emails before reading, don’t open letters. After a year or two you can look and see if the calls, emails or letters have changed.
Go create a new family of your heart and spirit; a family that will treat you good. Have unity with that family.
You and your husband probably need a good coach to create a plan designed specifically for your situation and also to help you keep your strength, courage and determination strong.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 25th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
This post has helped remove the unhealthy guilt that I have been carrying around with me for far too long. Instead of being tempted to “try again” and ultimately getting hurt, I have decided that this time I will not return to a family that bullies, disappoints, and uses. My son has a wonderful set of maternal grandparents, a godfather, and countless friends around him – that ‘spiritual family’ you talk about is already up and running!
April 26th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Hi Josie,
I’m thrilled for you and your son.
Stay with the family that nourishes your hearts, minds and spirits.
For example, see how Doug and Heloen found the right people in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
April 27th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
[...] are toxic people in every environment – toxic lovers, husbands, wives, parents, children, relatives, bosses and coworkers. Many [...]
May 2nd, 2010 at 2:54 am
Dear Ben,
Thank you so much for writing this post. I am a survivor of alcoholic, self-destructive and emotionally abusive/crippling toxic parents – although I have cut them out of my life, they have made attempts to get in contact with me in the past six months through my husband’s family (just by looking them up in the phone book!). This is because they are facing serious financial trouble of their own making, of course and they think I have a “duty” to help them through it – not because they wanted to engage in therapy or apologize for their vicious, toxic behavior, oh no! I have remained firm on all occasions (a “hands up stop right there” approach) and told them I wanted no engagement whatsoever with them or their problems, and to leave me, my husband and his family alone.
Although dealing with any flare-ups from them gets easier as time goes on (I have made a clear choice to create a beautiful, joyous “island” of my life which doesn’t have them on it), it is still always distressing to have to deal with them because they have something of a Pavlov’s dog effect on me (as I’m sure many children of toxic parents understand)! This wonderful post gave me even more tools in my kit for dealing with my emotional reaction to them, and reminded me why it was so important to stay strong and keep them out of my life – for the benefit of my future children! I have printed this article and have kept it in a safe place – because I know that one day I will have to explain my difficult birth family background to my children.
Thank you so, so much, and keep up the great work!
May 3rd, 2010 at 10:02 am
Hi Bernadette,
Thank you. And good for you for surviving, thriving and making your boundaries real.
You probably have to tell your husband’s family something so they’ll understand. Not as a subject for debate, but just so they don’t think you’re a rotten person. You have good reasons to keep predators and scavengers away from your family.
I usually try to find a relative on their side that’s so bad they have to keep him or her away. For example, a drunk or child molester. The ones you don’t invite for the holidays or to weddings. Then it’s easy for them to understand.
Planning ahead, I expect your toxic family will also try to get more when they start dying.
Of course, we have emotional flare-ups. We are human and our “Monkey Minds” keep throwing us back into old combinations of emotions like pain, guilt, shame, anger and hate.
Great planning to prepare your children for what they should know. You’re going to create the family of your heart and spirit!
As I stress in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” stay strong and determined – will and skill! And a good coach can help.
Good for you – you’re an inspiration for others who will find the article.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 17th, 2010 at 2:21 am
Thank you Ben. I am 35 years old w/ a husband and 3 kids. My kids are 10, 13 &14 and since they were born, I’ve tried to create a good environment filled w/love. After many years of toxic behavior from my parents, I decided to cut off communication. I always thought by at least having a relationship w/ them and a sister who is extremely toxic, that I was setting a good example for my kids. Reading your article helped me understand that I was probably doing more harm than good by having people like these around my family. Thanks for helping me feel reassured that I’ve done the right thing for my kids. I feel they will learn the truths when it is time and I know they will understand.
June 18th, 2010 at 11:37 am
Hi Striving,
Good for you!!!!!
You’re an example for many people.
You’re now setting a good example for your kids. Teach them to be very careful before they allow anyone on their island.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 16th, 2010 at 11:22 am
After reading this, I feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.
After literally decades of hoping my relationship with a toxic parent would improve, a recent incident left me sure that I needed to disconnect once and for all before my infant son is old enough to become affected by it.
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to read this post and realize that others feel exactly as I do. In a culture that encourages people to “work it out,” sometimes that’s not possible or advisable … and finally, having drawn that line in the sand, I’m free to exhale and move forward. Thank you.
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Hi Waiting to Exhale,
Good for you. You can’t live with predators. Do you think hyenas would stop attacking you if you tell them that you’re a vegetarian?
The culture is wrong because it doesn’t acknowledge the presence of predators. It assumes that if you were only good enough and did enough, they’d change. WRONG! You’re right; your popular culture is wrong.
Don’t let them lure you back.
Find good elders for yourself and your son. Later you can tell him whey he doesn’t see his biological grandparents; why he has grandparents of his heart and spirit.
See the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” available on this website.
Get a coach to keep your strength, courage and perseverance up.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 1st, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Hi,
I have been trying to stand up to my toxic parents (especially my father) for the last three years. He is the “do as I say or I won’t speak to you” kind of person. He last said this in January this year and hasn’t spoken to me since then.
I have tried to keep my two kids separate from this as they love their grandfather & I thought I was setting a good example for them. But he continues to undermine my authority as their parent. A good example was recently I let my 10 year old daughter have a small drink of diet cola (probably the only time in at least 6 months as I generally don’t let her, and don’t tend to keep much softdrink in the house) and my father proceeded to tell her that I shouldn’t let her drink stuff like that & didn’t she know that the reason I was sick is because I drink too much of that crap!
The “sickness” he is referring to is osteopenia!
Both of my children’s birthdays are approaching & I have made the decision not to invite my father over to my house for cake – one that I agonized over for months. I suspect this is the reason why the 6 months of silence from him has suddenly been broken by a letter yesterday in which, once again, I am a horrible, ungrateful daughter who is hurting him.
He actually says this in his letter, regarding the reason he has not spoken to me all this time, “…you and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to how you live your life, and how you care for and raise your children…”
Is it me, or could that have come straight out of a Toxic Parent handbook? How do you respond to someone who is always right? And he enlists help – ccing his email to my sister & my mother (who he is divorced from).
Am I doing my children a dis-service by trying to maintain their relationship with him?
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Hi TwoToxic,
I’m pretty straightforward.
If you continue to take his abuse and if you continue to expose your children to someone who abuses you, you’re setting a very bad example for them.
Separate from whether soft drinks are bad for you (that’s between you and your doctor), he’s righteous and toxic. If he says that he cares for you, he shows it by whipping you in front of your kids. Behavior counts; not reasons, excuses, justifications. Vote him off your island immediately.
Oh, you might feel better if you give him one more chance telling him what will happen, but he’s so sure his reasons count more that he won’t change.
He’ll still try to stir up the rest of your family. Tell them what you’ve done (they don’t get to vote) and you won’t listen to their opinions about what he says.
Change your email and don’t tell him. Tell your family not to give him your email. Find a better “grandfather” for your children.
Read the cases of Doug, Jake, Kathy and Carrie in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available on this web site.
No bullies on your island!
Remember: What’s the price of tolerating bullies. Slow erosion of your soul.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 4th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Thanks Ben,
I’ve definately been contemplating it. I suppose my biggest hurdle is how & what do I tell my 10 & 12 year old? I feel like they are the biggest losers in all this & won’t understand why I’m doing it. They love their grandparents & both have been hugely involved I’m their lives – which I let happen because I was a doormat.
It’s a scary thing to contemplate.
August 5th, 2010 at 10:06 am
Hi TwoToxic,
Check out the study of Ralph in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available on this web site.
I think the principle of not allowing bullies or bullying on your island is most important. So far you’ve been training your kids to be passive bystanders. Look the other way when “the Nazis haul off the gypsy’s because they’re not coming for you yet.” Bad principle to begin.
Explain why you’re voting grandpa off the island. The kids may not understand. Look for examples in their life with their friends or books or movies they love. Wouldn’t they stand up for friends who are being abused even though the bully is nice to them?
When they’re 18, they can establish relationships again if they want to.
Just because he treats them nice now is no guarantee that he’ll continue when they get older. Like the bullies who act nice when they’re dating and then start abusing after the marriage.
You know you wish you had done this sooner because you say, “I was a doormat.” It’ll only get worse the longer it continues.
Get a good coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 25th, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Ben – I hope you are still blogging on this as I have been having telephone councelling for months but I never get the same person & I don’t think many people understand what I’m saying.
I totally understand now the necessity to stop obsessing about what happened during childhood.
My parents have got more abusive to me in adulthood though (after I watched & sometimes tried to stop my mother bullying my step-sibings as a child) & it’s taken so much time away from my relationship with my son.
I distanced myself from her in April and had already done so with my father last November. I do not just ignore them but I don’t engage either.
I am now feeling more confident. I wake up some mmornings & imagine myself in a loving relationship – instead of a turbulent relationship where I am used. I have more emotional energy to be present for my son and we argue less – although he’s a rebellious 1 year old. Although my ex is also a bully & I am also more distant from him, I don’t feel so tense when around him so our short meetings are better too.
I hadn’t realised how much energy & time my parents took out of me. My relationship with my natural brother has been destroyed by their negativity – he lives in Canada anyway so I rarely see him.
Although my island is desperately financially insecure & the Depression in the UK is making it very hard to find local work – so I will have to work a long way away – my son and I are still happier than we were. I started reading your blog & actually thought fo a moment that you were talking directly about my actual parents. I am so relieved that someone knows and understands this horrible complex situation. I do hope you are still reading these comments and will write back.
August 29th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Hi Shirley Ann,
Good for you. Keep on track. And you may have to cut ties with your family totally as your son grows older. Don’t expose him to toxic people…however, they try to manipulate or coerce you.
The more comfortable you are in your skin, the easier it’ll be with your son.
I know it’s hard but keep on hanging in. All our ancestors, going back to the beginning, made it through much harder times than we do. War, famine, pestilence, massacre, drought, flood, etc. And they hung in long enough.
I’ve seen the walls in Yorkshire. People who can build walls like that have the grit to survive…and thrive!
You need better counseling-coaching – the same person each time.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 29th, 2010 at 8:04 pm
I have read this for at least the tenth time. My husband and I are in the process of pulling away from his toxic family and we have been up front with our 11 year old son on most of it. How much to tell and when is critical when dealing with children.
There is much our son remembers (my in-laws notoriously use their grandchildren in their drama) and while we have done our best to keep him from being drawn into the drama, he has witnessed many events and has told my husband and I he really wants to just stay away from them.
Ben, your blog has been an excellent resource for us as we continue our journey of healing and rebuilding.
September 4th, 2010 at 10:13 am
Hi Survivor,
I’m thrilled that this has been helpful for you and your family on your journey from darkness into light. Keep on keeping on.
You can, as we all must, get to the point that nothing that has happened to any of you will damage you permanently; nothing that has happened guarantees any problem or is irreversible.
Don’t worry about whether your son (or you or your husband) has or will be damaged permanently. Keep giving him messages about how you hope he’ll look at his past when he creates his future.
There are no magic 7-steps. To maximize your success, we need some on-going coaching to tailor a plan that’s specific for the details of your situation and your comfort zone.
Your son’s ancestors survived far worse than he’s been exposed to; he has those genes to survive and he was born with the spirit to thrive!!!
Call me.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 17th, 2010 at 9:00 am
[...] we grow, our parents are supposed to teach us how to get what we want or need using methods other than bullying or abuse; using peaceful methods [...]
October 5th, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Hello Ben,
Thank you so much for your article. I have never been abused in any form by my parents, but I wanted to tell you about my story because my situation is similiar but different in that it is my child’s paternal grandmother and aunts that have been abusing me, and now starting to with my son. My sons father whom I have never married has been in jail for 8 years, as a result the grandmother has made it her “duty” to harass and abuse me into forcing me to do things with my child, such as allowing her to take my child to prison, among other things. Throughout the years I have had to either do whatever she demanded of me or endure extreme abuse, vebal name calling, cursing, emotional-telling me I am a bad mother, stalking- calling me over and over and showing up at my home unannounced. She even rallied up her 2 adult daughters to help further berate me on a consistent basis. They have demanded visits with my child which I granted them under their strong arm approach and felt their abuse was really only aimed at me, so I did not fear for his safety, I never wanted him to go, but they would guilt me into it by saying that my child would hate me for not letting him visit with them, and threats of suing me for “rights” and the like. This has gone on for years. My child is now 12. I finally stood up to them and had my case heard before a judge who granted me a restraining order on the grandmother and aunts… They have been violating it and Now they are even emailing, skyping, phoning, texting and voicemailing my child and berating him and placing blame on me for everything under the sun, telling my child I am bad, I am a liar, I am brainwashing him, the list goes on and on. I have had to remove all modes of contact to my child. I am now filing for restraining orders on behalf of my son. I am now wondering what kind of possible emotional abuse they may have subjected him to in the past! As I was not a victim of abuse from my own family I believe it hindered me to find a solution sooner, I wanted to believe they just hated me and loved my child, but now I am convinced these people are sociopaths. I will be grateful to have these toxic people out of our lives for good. I hope that I have shed some light on this similiar topic.
October 6th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Hi Bent Over,
Thanks for sharing your story. I bet many readers recognized their own in it.
Goooooood for you!!!!
Get these people far out of your life. A few thousand miles would help.
Never, never, never let them see your son again. Be prepared for a fight with the father when he gets out. The more you show the courts now what his family is like, the better you’ll probably do later.
If they’re violating a restraining order, make sure the judge knows. Most judges will react strongly to that contempt.
Try to get police help to keep Skype, the phone company, your ISP to prevent them from having any access. The more you do now, the better
Your son needs to know that you can protect him. Make sure he knows how bad they are.
Good luck,
Ben
October 21st, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Hello Dr. Leichtling,
I’m so sorry for being impatient (just ordered your book on Amazon and I’m terribly excited to read it), but I feel as if I’m going to be committed and I need some help. And I apologize in advance for the length of this, but it’s the only way to get all the facts out.
I’m having great issues with my family (parents, sister, grandma just died on Thursday) and as a beginning point, let’s start with Christmas Day ’05. After dinner, the ‘girls’ (mom, sister, and grandma) were leaving the table and my husband, myself, and dad were sitting there quietly. In Christmas Spirit, I told my dad that I loved him and thanked him for being my dad. He coldly looked at me and said, “You were supposed to be aborted, but your grandparents (his parents) found out,” then he went back to watching my mom, sister, and grandma (mom’s mom – the one who just died last Thursday).
January ’06- they’re getting rid of all of my grandparents (dad’s parents) belongings and have given literally 90% of them to my sister, so I asked to have a couple things. They gave me stuff from the dumpster and a couple of pictures. My sister called me that night and screamed bloody murder at me, demanding me to give her HER belongings back to her, they weren’t mine, I didn’t deserve them. When I asked why, she didn’t say anything, then resumed screaming at me again. I chose not to have anything to do with her and that lasted until around Oct. I confronted my parents about this – they’ve always let her have her way, no matter what – and they said, “It’s just easier to let her behave this way, you need to get back in line and do as she says.”
April ’06 – Haven’t talked to them much (a handful of times, that’s it) and I get a phone call from dad – who hates talking to me it seems- stating that they’re moving to FL (we live in WA state) – ALL of them. Grandma, sister/bro in law, parents – my WHOLE family. They’re 100% moved by June.
Last words spoken to me by my grandma here in WA, “Tara, you’re just an oil spot we left behind on the way to a new and better life.”
Jan. ’10 – Things have kind of gotten better, some communication, but not much and two visits to FL made by me in attempts to be ‘the good daughter.’ Once was with my husband, once on my own (one month after we got married, in fact, oh and they refused to attend our wedding, even though they’ve said over and over again how much they LOVE my husband). When I went down on my own, they yelled at me for talking to my husband – or work – on my cell, even if it was only for literally one minute. My dad SCREAMED at me to “hang up and turn the damn thing off!” My husband was livid that he couldn’t talk to me – and I felt the same – but I was staying at their house with no car; they had complete control over me again, exactly like when I was a kid.
So my sister starts an argument with me in Jan. ’10, and I say nothing. Literally nothing. No email replied, didn’t answer her calls, nothing. She emailed my husband and he got involved – he’s a very ‘take the high road’ sort of person. He was nice, but firm and told her that she’s ‘mistaken’ and suggested she cool off, then we (meaning her, him, and myself) could discuss things calmly (that’s just how he is). She immediately went to my parents and grandma, who all got involved and emailed me TONS of emails stating how I’M the problem, I’M the liar, I’M the one who’s ALWAYS wrong and causing the drama, and how I’M the one who runs around telling everyone that they abused me, which is a lie – I NEVER did ANY of that!
Feb. 4, 2010 – Dad calls me SCREAMING at me, DEMANDING that I take FULL blame for ALL of this, PLUS ALL of the arguments and drama going as far back as when I was a little kid. When I tell him no, I refuse, he threatens me. I told him when he can discuss things rationally and calmly, to call, then I hung up. I can PROVE ALL of this with the emails I’ve saved, and with people who have witnessed this.
Today – it’s been 7 months since we’ve spoken. I’ve sent emails to them stating that they need to treat me with respect, need to believe me, NOT my sister, and they need to apologize to me, as well as my husband, for threatening me and for their behavior. They’ve ignored me, no surprise there. My grandma died on Thurs. and I’m contacted…they act like nothing is wrong, things are just fine, everything’s normal, and to tell me that I’m responsible for her remains and that I need to take care of all of it (except her belongings, which they’ve already divided up amongst themselves).
My reason for contacting you is this – am I crazy??? Are they considered ‘toxic?’
Do I go to my island and leave them here? Or am I being a bad person?? I’ve devoted over 20,000 documented hours volunteering to help others – at animal shelters (where I volunteer now), food banks, helping the elderly, and being a fire fighter – I’ve been through the fire academy being the only woman out of a bunch of redneck guys and still made the top 20% of my class. Maybe this isn’t what it seems like and I’m just taking things out of context. All I know is that I can’t keep on living like this. I’m at the end of my rope.
I’m so incredibly sorry for dumping this on you; it’s not fair to you, nor is it right, but I’m desperate and I don’t know who to talk to about this. I’m anxiously waiting for your book to arrive and I’m hoping that’ll help, but if there’s any sort of advice you can possibly give me, I’d be so incredibly grateful!!!
Thank you so very much for your time and I’m so very sorry for taking up so much of it!! And thank you, too, for the article you posted, as well as the book you wrote.
Thank you again!!
Tara
November 12th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Since Ben isn’t going to answer you on this one, and since you’re that desperate, I’ll answer you myself:
At this point, Tara, it really doesn’t matter whether you’re crazy or whether they’re toxic. Leave. Get out. Get as far away from them as possible. There is no law that says that people must suffer, as Rosa Parks said.
Make your decision, and then stand by it. You’ll only be miserable as long as you’re around those people, so whether the problem is your fault or whether the problem is their fault really doesn’t matter at this particular point.
Forge a happy life, as Ben said, and if that means cutting off your family, so be it. Life is too short to spend around people who make you miserable, no matter WHOSE fault it is.
November 18th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Thanks for sharing, Anon.
And I agree 100%. Thanks especially for the reminder about Rosa Parks.
Having made he decision, Tara, you’ll probably need expert coaching to design a plan that fits your comfort zone and to move out of your comfort zone.
It’ll be easier to make a great life when you don’t have people around who whack you at every opportunity. Don’t be a scapegoat.
You’ll never be able to fully love the people who treat you wonderfully, if you’re being beaten by people who don’t deserve to be around you – whatever their titles.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 6th, 2010 at 6:38 am
My mother has been a bully to my 2 1/2 year old recently, now that she’s hit the “terrible” 2′s and she’s stressful. this is exactly what I needed to figure out how to protect my baby from my mothers actions and influences. Thank you for publishing this. I’m appauled and reassured at the same time by the fact toxic grandparents aren’t as rare as I thought.
December 6th, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Hi Eric,
Glad you got it. You must protect your daughter.
Try talking to your mother. If she gets it; good.
If not, you have to cut the unsupervised contact between your mother and daughter until your mother gets it. If your mother still bullies your daughter even with you there, then your mother needs a time out until she gets it.
Your 2 ½ year old won’t need explanations until she’s older. If she asks, just say, “We can’t see grandma until she’s nicer to you. I have to protect you from people who are bullies, even if it’s grandma.” Then move on to another subject.
If there are complications, you may need more coaching to design a plan specific for your circumstances.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 8th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
Hi Ben-I read your post on toxic parents and I thank you for the information. My question is-is there any way to get through to my husband’s parents who are functional alcoholics, control freaks and emotional/verbal abusers? They think because they have money and education they can be mean. All our therapitst say stay away, and create our own family (like you said). Now that we have children (3 and 1 yrs) we cannot allow thier negative, damaging behavior to enter our children’s lives. Is there any way to reach these people? Make them realize they are going to lose their son and grandchildren? Already bec. my husband defended me againts their verbal assualts, his father told him he’s “dead” to him. I just don’t understand their behavior-I don’t come from that. Please advise.
December 12th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Hi Anonymous,
Sorry this took so long for me to respond.
Thanks for your question. I think a lot of people can relate.
Given what you’ve said, my experience is that there isn’t a snowball’s chance they’ll change unless they really lose their grandchildren for a while or have a near-death experience. And then it’s still not likely.
Please see what Kathy, Jake and Doug did with their parents in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”. Especially relevant would be the study of Ralph and his father, who cut him out of the will. The book and CD set are available fastest from this web site.
I think it’s easier to keep your hopes alive for them by keeping your distance. About 2-3,000 miles might be enough.
Don’t give them access to your children, even if you’re present.
Expert coaching might help you and your husband stay courageous, strong and persevering. And create a plan that’s specific for your situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 2nd, 2011 at 8:20 am
Ben – my computer keeps crashing & losing this – so here goes again. I am trying to follow my own plan – which is: Create my own island; keep my parents off it (they have been insulting & abusive & my mother has destroyed my property on several occasions – including destroying my degree certificates – no arguments, no disputes, just bullying -they have been divorced for almost 40 years).
They have now joined forces as I wouldn’t submit to their demands to spend my birthday, my son’s birthday and Christmas with them and my father’s current woman) – I am now cut out of my mother’s will / cut off financially and both of them said they didn’t want to see me at Christmas and I was not to contact them – in a nutshell – my father (as usual) now says he’s not available to see us until February. I had infact offered to visit them on the 30th but they both wrote to me on 23rd Decemeber. I had written to them months before explaining that my son and I had made plans (because my parents have spent Christmas with other family members for many successive years). According to my mother I have lied about being very ill in 2005 and nearly dying of blood loss (I had surgery & complications) and that she is leaving my son and I to freeze over the winter and is refusing us help to fit a woodburner because my brother (who has a highly paid job and a working wife) deserves her help and support so she and my father are paying off his mortgage (whilst I am in danger of losing my house & struggle to pay my mortgage because I am unemployed) I have calculated that in addition to that and whilst I have been left to fend for myself (except for my previous earnings & child maintenance) for 15 years as a single parent – they have spent about £33,750 in my son’s lifetime visiting my brother in Canada. My mother nursed him (flying out to Canada)after he had an operation to repair his knee – whilst she has never looked after me or even visited me when I have had repeated trips to hospital and three surgeries (my first stay in hospital was when I was 8 – she didn’t visit although my father did between shifts as he was an ambulance driver). I now feel guilty that I don’t want anything to do with them and that I do not wish to support them in their old age. They are both well off as my mother has been left a lot of money by my step-father and my father’s girlfriend is comfortably-off and since my father receives multiple pensions.
When I look back on it my father lost interest in me around when I was ten or eleven and my mother I think maybe when she met my step-father & started an affair (possibly when I was 5 or 6). I have very few memories of my parents being together – and every now and then – now that I am away from them more some little thing pops into my mind – such as a weird memory of my mother telling me that my father was ‘her’ husband (I had to be about 4) I recall her saying the same thing about my step-father when I was about ten. There are so many dysfunctional and weird things that went on (not sexual abuse though) – especially towards my step-siblings by my mother.
What is upsetting is that this Christmas – which is the first one they have said they want to spend with my son and I for many years (I think since 2003 or 2004) – I have received no cards from my natural brother or my step-siblings. I see my Mother’s hand in all of it – divide and rule and controlling everyone else’s relationships with exagerations and lies. She did the same things to my step-siblings years ago – keeping them from their father for many years. She screamed and shouted at me in October and said she would cut me off if I didn’t do what she said. It seems to me she knew I was past caring and so has taken things further and poisoned my siblings against me too. I have written cards to them but I see the writing on the wall – they don’t want to know.
So – the new year starts with just me, my son, our new puppy and our 4 cats. I hope to rebuild a modest social life; gain a partner; achieve my registration exams in architecture (delayed for 20 years by illness & endless family aggravation); get my son through the first wave of his GCSE exams & refurbish my house – with heating installed. I am facing the prospect that my pafrents (who are in their seventies) might die and I will not have seen them; that when they die my siblings (particularly my natural brother)will get everything and I get nothing; that I may never see my siblings & cousins again.
I know my parents and brother will always continue to insult, harass and demoralise me. It is truly shocking and horrible. It’s been going on for decades and my life is in tatters. Every now and then (and increasingly)I feel as if all the terrible years between now and the truly happy times I had at university – surrounded by friends and engaged to a lovely man – have just been a wierd blip in my life. as if they were not meant to happen – or as if my energy has realigned itself with a wonderful positivity. I hope this is the real world – that it’s my real path to feel like that?
I am considering changing all my phone numbers again and strictly maintaining a ‘correspondance only’ relationship. But now I wonder if it would be better to have nothing to do with them at all and just to let them all go. Forever is a long time though.
January 17th, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Hi Shirley,
Sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to you.
You sound like you have a tough choice but maybe we can make it simpler.
But first, I assume you aren’t crazy or nasty and didn’t do evil to them – except not obey them and do exactly everything they want.
This is a longstanding pattern. They would have found some excuse to use emotional blackmail and cut you out of the will if you didn’t obey and probably if you did anyway. Your brother is the “Golden Child” while you get blamed for everything; you’re the scapegoat. Nothing you can do about that that you’d want to do.
You might read about how Ralph responded when his father cut him out of the will in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Who wants to do what they’d have to in order to be loved by Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin or pick your favorite mass murderer?
Get over your guilt. It’s not your fault. Your plan – “I hope to rebuild a modest social life; gain a partner; achieve my registration exams in architecture (delayed for 20 years by illness & endless family aggravation); get my son through the first wave of his GCSE exams & refurbish my house – with heating installed” – sounds great.
Sometimes people try to build a bridge back to toxic parents in order to inherit money but that usually doesn’t work and that path destroys their souls. Usually we have to wait until something dramatic causes the toxic parents to change and beg their forgiveness. But often, even a near death experience won’t do it.
But if you ever want to remember why you put a lot of distance between you and them, you can go back and get whacked. That will remind you.
You can’t be friends with a predator – someone who wants to eat you and your life – even by correspondence. You’ll never have space in your life for someone wonderful if you fill the space with toxic family.
Your life; your call.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 7th, 2011 at 7:10 am
[...] They’ll rally the extended family. Prepare by making cue cards of what to say; no excuses or justifications. Just tell the family what you said and did, and what you plan. Ask them not to intervene. Tell them we’d like to see them but only if our toxic parents are not present. We’re sorry they’re caught in the middle but that’s life. They do have to choose who to believe and what behavior to support. Be prepared to withdraw from anyone who attacks or interferes. [...]
May 2nd, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Bullying is always a difficult subject, especially when it involves other family members. I’m very lucky in that I’ve always had a loving, fantastic family, and never had any of the troubles that some people here have.
Some of the stories really are quite sad and touching, and I hope you guys manage to work things out.
May 4th, 2011 at 8:21 am
Hi Sam,
Thanks for sharing. Glad you didn’t have those experiences.
But I wonder, since you’re touched by people’s stories and you’re reaching out, what’s happened to you.
You can write anonymously by entering “anonymous” in the field for “name.”
Best wishes,
Ben
May 11th, 2011 at 2:18 pm
Ben,
I am going through a very hard time in my life right now. I have decided to cut off my family they are very “toxic” and have been my entire life and I now realize that it will hurt my children if they remain around them, I have watched all my younger siblings become awful hurtful people. I have accepted cutting them off, it has been made very easy for me because my husband’s family is very supportive and are a wonderful and loving family and have accepted me with open arms in all this mess. My biggest problem is how do I explain this to my daughter who is 5yrs old? My family are just awful, but to her they are the best people ever because when she was around them they gave her everything she wanted, so what 5yr old wouldn’t love that in a person/s. How do I explain to her that she will never see her Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins ever again, when she thinks they’re the best people ever? I am afaird no matter how I explain it she will have bad feelings toward me. I hope that she is young enough that she will not be effected. It has only been a few weeks on our new island and I just don’t talk about them and when she brings them up I just change the subject. I just hope she’s young enough to forget them. What should I do?
May 13th, 2011 at 10:47 am
Hi Worried,
Good for you taking the big step. Sounds like you really needed to.
Say things to your daughter that are age appropriate as she grows up.
For example, “forever” isn’t useful to a 5 year old. Now is. “We’re not seeing them today” and then move on to something else. Or, “We’re not going to see them today (at Thanksgiving).” Notice, no explanation.
When she needs an explanation, be cheerful and matter-of-fact. “They’ve done some really nasty things to me. I know it’s hard for you to understand at your age because they’ve bought you lots of things, but when you’re much older you’ll understand.”
Stop worrying. Instead, fill her life with other people who are nice and fun. As she gets older, she’ll understand more. And you’ll let her know in more detail what they did and why you did what you did. And if she wants to see them when she’s, 18 she’ll have more inner resources to resist the evil they might do.
The less you worry, the easier it’ll be for her to move on.
If general, most people think their children are much more fragile than the kids really are. Most people spend way too much time worrying that every little think will be too traumatizing for the kids. The problem is that that attitude is catching. If the kids think they’re fragile, they will have a hard time.
Always remind them about how strong and resilient they are. They can overcome anything that hurts. True or not, that’s the best place to start from.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 16th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
I am a survivor of toxic parenting and emotional abuse. My mother was the perpetrator in that she used every means possible to try to break me psychologically. And to this day, I carry around those negative self-talk tapes in my head. During my young childhood, all my aspirations about a career seemed to be shot down with negative talk. If I wanted to be a firefighter, she’d come up with scary situations to “freak me out”…stories about third degree burns…and how people died in fires. If I was wanting to become a pilot, she’d talk about plane crashes. It got to the point where I was unsure about anything. I didn’t get the best grades in school because I later found out that I had a case of dyslexia as well as dyscalculia (the arithmetic version of dyslexia) and my mother took great pleasure in explaining away my math and cognitive difficulties with “he’s just stupid, lazy…” My maternal uncle on the other hand was “second in the province” in terms of final exams for high-school graduation, so in her eyes, there was no excuse for my difficulties. All my life she’s been emotionally abusive…and that’s translated into my married life as well…partly because I thought it was the norm and I was pretty much brainwashed into thinking that I was stupid. My father was the typical subservient father brought into orbit around his domineering wife. I went into a college major (after remedial math lessons browbeaten into me) in music. I had some talent in music, but not enough to be successful. My mother finally gave up on me after I ended up flunking out…of three of my theoretical music classes due to cognitive difficulties. Then came a series of jobs where I turned into the @$$hole employee from hell because everytime I came up against a boss who was “domineering” I saw shades of my mother, rebelled and burned bridges and quit my jobs.
It was my wife who finally made me see what I had gone through (toxic parenting) and begged me to cut ties with them. It took three long years and major damage to our relationship for me to see just how much damage had been done to me. I’m still in the anger stage. I finally found my emotional salve and my career in photography. Granted it is a tough career, being self-employed, but I could never go back to answering to a “boss”. The inclination to give him the “middle finger” is too great if he turns out to be a boss that resembles my mother in behavior.
I find that emotional and psychological abusers who tend to be educated (my mother was a Bachelor of Arts in Library Management) tend to go that route if they’re abusive because they know what the ramifications are if they get caught. The likelihood of an emotional abuser getting caught are slim to none.
I’m now in the process of “cutting ties” with my surviving parent, the abuser. The enabler passed away. I think I may have forgiven him. He tried to protect me, he just didn’t know how and I think now that he’s passed on (if there is an afterlife), he’s fully aware of what I went through and is probably grieving the fact that he didn’t do more to help than hinder.
May 18th, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Hi Hugo,
Good for you!!!!!
I know it’s so hard to overcome the early fear and brutal training. And the critical inner voices that I can “self-bullying.”
You’re a wonderful examples of people who can make it. And you offer hope to everyone else.
See also the self-bullying case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 10th, 2011 at 7:33 am
This is what is happening to my family. My father in law has had issues with my 5 year old daughter not giving him the attention he thinks a child should be giving. She doesn’t see them on a regular basis. Sometimes a few weeks will go by before we get together with them. One time his niece’s little boy gave him a hug and an high five and he said to me that this is how children should act. He has even made comments like her shyness doesn’t come from his side of the family. Once we caught him holding out a cookie and telling her she couldn’t have it until she said hello to him. Another time, she couldn’t play with the toys at their home until she said hello. Both times we told him she didn’t have to say hello under those conditions.
Now, my husband’s brother has a new girlfriend with two children that are not his, a 7 month old and 3 year old. The 3 year old little girl, Kara (I changed her name for this), is outgoing. She is also out of control. She takes things out of my daughter’s hands and from the adults too. She seeks attention, she’s very hyper, and is never disciplined. My father in law is crazy about her. He has pointed out to me how she will sit on his lap, gives him hugs and kisses, and is excited to see him. This relationship started right from the time they met. They even take cute pictures of them together and show them to us.
During a recent visit, Kara was taking things from my daughter’s hands, and my father in law would say things like, Kara is a real go getter and that she will be a boss someday. It is so obvious that he is building her up for us to see. In the past he has always pointed out negative things about my daughter and he still does. That same day I talked with my mother in law. She told me flat out that my father in law does not like my daughter’s personality and sees what he likes in Kara.
My daughter doesn’t see all of this going on, or maybe she does. In the past we have talked to him about the comments he has made to me about her. He has just resented the situation more. It is so sad because my daughter is their only real grandchild.
I want to cut those grandparents out of our lives and I feel guilty. After visiting them I leave crying and angry. I need to know if they are toxic.
August 11th, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Hi Lori,
I think you need to decide for yourself whether your father-in-law’s words and actions are harmful to your daughter and whether the family’s colluding with him to leave your daughter unprotected and vulnerable is and will harm your daughter.
You and your husband making that decision together is more important than acting based on any outside standard, even an expert’s. That is; don’t wait for a label (“toxic”) in order to feel you have permission to act. Act because the two of you want to protect your daughter. Your wanting is reason enough!
Having said that, I will give you some opinions based on what you wrote. Of course, through phone or Skype coaching I could be more accurate and help you create a better plan designed for your specific situation.
1. You and your husband must agreed on how damaging you see the family dynamic and also on the details of a plan before you act or his father will continue doing what he’s doing and drive a wedge between you two.
2. More important than his preference for Kara’s personality is allowing and encouraging each child to blossom and bear her own fruit at her own pace. He doesn’t. Who’s more important in your eyes?
3. I think your father-in-law really hurting your daughter. You two are hurting her even more by not protecting her. Someday, she’ll resent you two for not protecting her, because you were too polite to his father or because you didn’t want to make a scene or whatever your excuse is.
The bottom line here is an issue for many people: what’s more important, blood or behavior? I’ll be writing an article on this soon, but my answer is always “behavior.”
Is your husband ready to join you in standing up to his father?
For some examples, see the case studies of Carrie, Doug, Kathy, Jake and Ralph “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
And call me.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 31st, 2011 at 8:39 am
I grew up in a toxic family, both parents were violent and alcoholics. My mother was controlling and emotionally abusive. I am 33 now and going thru a divorce due to violence aimed at me and our children. My mother decided about 4 years ago while my ex husband and I were living apart and in different states that she would seek custody of my 3 children at the same time I began trying to do the same. Their dad had custody and my mom felt like I was ignorning the abuse. I tryed for 2 years unsuccesfully to get custody. Every place I tryed to get help from refused to help me due to a conflict of intrest (my mom was applying for legal help thru every free organazation and then turning the help down).About 2 years ago CPS stepped in and gave custody to my mom. When I asked why I couldnt have my children I was met with all the things my mother told them that were simply untrue. Not knowing the depth of what she said I couldnt fix this problem. Earlier this year she retained a lawyer and has become part of my divorce procedures in the matter of custody. I see my children everyday almost at her home. She tells me that since she hads my kids I am responsible for them as their mother. I am aware of that but I drive 30 miles every morning to take them to and from school, pay for as much as I can and that stills seems like I am not doing what she deems to be a good mother. She treats my children like she treated me when I was their ages like a dictator in a concentration camp. I want to sever ties with her because she makes everything so difficult but im stuck and it seems like she has the advantage to keep me at her beck and call so my children dont suffer. Its her my way or the highway antics, or the tantrums she throws when I don’t cave in that make me not even want to go see my children due to anxiety of seeing her. I want whats best for my children but she wont let me be a mother unless I do it her way. What can I do in this situation?
September 1st, 2011 at 10:04 am
Hi Dana,
Taking what you said as the whole truth I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. And in many ways you are stuck.
1. See a lawyer to find out what CPS would take as evidence so you could get your children back and how to document that evidence to prove your case.
2. The only other way is to give in to your mother, sacrifice and do what you can for your kids until they grow up. Then walk away from her.
3. I’ve seen some people give up and move away and move on.
4. Also, you seem to have a pattern being attracted to people like your 4ex-husband who will make you a willing victim. Get over that so you can make the next 60 years better than the first 30.
Difficult, but what else can you do?
Best wishes,
Ben
September 6th, 2011 at 8:14 am
I really don’t know how to deal with my soon to be husband’s ex wife. She is a VERY “toxic parent”. She always fights with their 20 year old pregnant daughter. She’s kicked her out of the house multiple times for stupid things (the last time for asking her to keep it down when her and her husband were fighting becuase they were waking up the younger kids). She calles the 20 year old daugher horrible names, tells her she’s crazy, tells her she’s going to be a horrible mother, etc. She even sends the younger kids (14,9 and8) to our house to tell my kids (11 &9) things. I don’t know what to do. CPS will not do anything. She puts the kids in bed at 7:15pm so she can drink. The kids tell us all this but yet love her and don’t want to be taken from her home. WHAT DO WE DO? I could go on and one with things I’ve documented about what she’s done. Indiana is a state for mothers and we have no hopes of getting the kids taken from her. She’s even turned on her own family that has told her she needs mental help. But they will not help us in court.
September 7th, 2011 at 10:16 am
Hi Heather,
Wow, that’s a heart-breaker.
Taking what you say as the whole truth, I’m afraid there isn’t much you can do but to continue trying.
I assume that you and your soon-to-be-husband are on the same page about this.
Consult a lawyer and CPS. You need a long term plan. What documented evidence will lead CPS to take the children and give them to you? You may have to wait until she self destructs.
Meanwhile, you plant seeds in the kids’ hearts and spirits in hopes they can be invulnerable and think of their futures. And dedicate themselves to paying as little attention to her and as much as they can to getting whatever skills they can in order to getaway and become independent. That’s doubly hard when they feel allegiance to her.
Then you have to wait and pray.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen lots of cases like this where the authorities go by the book and won’t make the wise decision in the best interests of the kids.
Sorry.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 2nd, 2011 at 9:22 am
Tara
I will leave it to Ben to offer you advice am not qualified. But I would like to let you know that you are not alone in this type of behaviour from parents. I have been told all my life that I was a ‘mistake’ & that my (respectable – ish) parents got drunk & forgot to use contraception. My brother has always been treated totaly differently to me & was in effect brought up with positive encouragement, financial assistance & support – whereas I am made to feel guilty & told I am ‘the lowest of the low’. I could go on – but this is about you.
It is very easy for other people to say you should cut yourself off from them – but it is not so easy to do. Firstly because someone in our situation tends to hope there might be some nice times left to have. Secondly because – often – cutting off from parents means losing an entire family. But – the trouble is this kind of bullying can take up your whole life. I find the anxiety & apprehension of any contact with my parents (who are constantly critical & ridicule everything I try to do) consumes my thoughts & then the aftermath of the meeting shocks me & makes me totally unable to concentrate for many days – even to the point of crying for hours.
Tara it does not get better. You are trying valiantly to assert your right simply to be treated decently – you are not even asking them to love you. If they are like my family they do not even perceive that it is wrong to treat you this way. I have decided that I will give mine one last chance to treat me decently at lunch (it was supposed to be on my birthday – so they decided – but thankfully I changed the day). I must keep my cool as you have & just assert that I am sorry they feel about me the way they do (read ‘Toxic Parents’ there is a section on remaining detatched whilst with them). If (as they will) they become verbally abusive & critical I have decided that my son and I will simply say ‘We can’t put up with this’ and then we will quietly go.
I am struggling financially & my house is in a state of terrible deterioration here we have no money – yet they spend thousands of pounds visiting my brother for many weeks in Canada an paying off his mortgage. Yet they expect me to host Christmas & shower them with gifts. I have said ‘No’ and that is how it will remain. My son and I need some peace and quiet.
If I can give any advice (and I wish I could follow it myself) it is – stay calm (whatever happens); try to imagine yourself looking at them from a distance or through a screen; imagine if you were in a dream viewing them from afar treating you this way – guard yourself as if you are you’re own protecting angel and know that you are loved by your husband. Arm yourself with simple exit strategies & non-confonrtational phrases. In the long run though – look to Ben’s advice. Whenever I think mine have decided to leave me alone forever i feel such a sense of relief. I think maybe in the end I will distance myself just about totally. When i did it before I had some much more space in my head for my son, friends and making music and looking for work it was wonderful.
You only have one life Tara and it is yours – you are not owned – remember that it is a privilege for your family to know you.
Best wishes
Shirley
October 2nd, 2011 at 10:01 am
Ooops. Forgot to explain why i have posted the previous comment.
I replied to a lady called Tara – her post is on this Blog. However – I think in honesty I should share with you guys the real difficulty I have had in following my own advice and Ben’s. Ben thought my blog was good but boy do I wish I could stick to my intentions.
So many people’s stories on here could be my own & I see the self-critical comments that I also make here too. All a product of being criticised & bullied our whole lives. Because they never stop do they? sometimes there seems to be a reprieve – a glimmer of hope that they have mellowed & will treat us well – then comes the crashing day when they ‘lay into you’ out of the blue – or in the case of my father – relentlessly.
I left my parents out of my life for almost a year – until July this year when my mother got back in touch because her disabled brother had come into some money & wanted to see her, me and my son. I was jut desperate to see my uncle as my mother had refused to pass on his adress for 25 years (due to an accusation against him when he was a teenager 7 then due to her cutting him out after my Grandpa died). We met up and he’s come over to stay at Mum’s twice & she was all sweetness & light & claimed to him that she had helped raise my son (totally untrue. When we are alone my uncle tells me that he loves me & has missed me – he likes me – & how sorry he is that my father has been so mean to me as he never liked him & always felt he would be an unreliable father & husband! Just before his last visit I saw my father & his family at a regular bi-annual reunion – only to be told that I was ‘spoiling’ the event & to be humiliated by him telling me loudly that I cannot get a job in my profession because I am a single parent. He took no interest in my son. His relatives are nearly all respectable professional people & I only know them through the reunions – except for my aunt Natalie – who went out of her way to repeat my father’s criticism that I am not married. It was quite a contrast to being with Uncle Geoff. A few days after geoff returned home I went to see my mother as I was very concerned about an unrelated matter & needed some support. She turned on me (yesterday) blaming me for being a single parent; for having had a child with a violent man – accusing me of knowing he was violent before planning the pregnancy 9with the father) – which is ridiculous & totally untrue & telling me that I should have done as my father had told me in 1995 & aborted my baby (my father is Catholic) & got rid of the relationship with his father. My son is almost 16 now & both of them keep saying these things to me. She also continues to manipulate me with money & by telling me that she is totall in control of the legacy & house my step-father left & that she will decide whether I inherit anything when she dies. My step-father took time to speak with me before he died to promise that all 4 off-spring would be treated equally & tat i would never have to look after my mother in her old age as he had organised potential care for her. My mother says she fought him to prevent that will being written when he was dying of cancer!!!!!
I told Ben earlier this year that i wanted her & my father off my island. I didn’t manage it because I really want to remain in contact with my brother, step-siblings & various cousins. My son is really good friends with 3 or 4 distant cousins & they chat on facebook quite a lot. He is really concerned that he might lose them & has asked me t find a way of coping without ultimately cutting my parents off altogether.
My mother deliberately upset me very deeply & made me feel totally inadequate by telling me that I had allowed my ex to manipulate me & that i am a stupid weak person with no sense of judgement & the fact that i am unmarried is all my own fault because I am such an idiot. I flared up & asked her what the hell her excuse was for marrying a man like my father & having two children with him (one of whom – me – they say they never wanted). I ended up by telling her that if she & my father won’t stop blaming me for the violence & abusive behaviour of my ex that they will never see me again because I cannot stand any more of it.
My son wisely says that we are both happier without my parents around & we both miss my step-dad who was really a dad to me & a good Grandpa to my boy.
I have decided – at last – to buy some of Ben’s books to find out how to better manage or leave this situation. I can’t allow my mother to wind me up & I can’t just sit there (to avoid a scene) taking his abuse at family gatherings. Ben is right – it sucks up my whole life. The only time I was free of this toxic shit was when I was at university & I wish I had never moved back to the area. Having said that though – I chose a partner & father for my son who is just like my parents. I cut my son’s father out of my life in every way only 2 years ago – having tried to have workable relationship with him – apart for my son’s sake. I finally realised that was impossibole when I discovered he had lied to the authorities about my parenting of our son. It is so much better now to have cut him out (my son still sees him regularly but know he can stop if he wishes).
I have primed my son that we may move away when he finishes his exams next year as I also need to fins work. Even if we stay in the area we may move both for financial reasons & to leave no forwardng address for my parents – just to start over.
Has anyone else succeeded with this & stayed in touch with siblings & cousins? How did you do it?
October 3rd, 2011 at 7:42 pm
Hi Shirley (and Tara),
Thanks Shirley. You know your situation very well and you’re probably accurate about Tara’s also. And I agree with you.
My studies of history lead me to conclude that no one has a “right” to be treated decently. We must all test the world:
To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/04/to-increase-confidence-and-self-esteem-test-the-world-not-yourself/
Then we must trust our own guts:
Stop Bullying, Abuse: Be Your Own Expert
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/25/stop-bullying-abuse-be-your-own-expert/
Then we must stop or get away from predators who would destroy us. Because we want and need to, not because we have a “right.” Wanting and needing are more than enough reason to act.
You’ve probably given them infinite chances to treat you the way you want, and they’ve failed your tests repeatedly. Now say, “That’s Enough!”
Stop Bullying, Abuse: Say, “That’s Enough!”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/02/stop-bullying-abuse-say-thats-enough/
Vote the abusive, bullying, predators off your Isle of Song (next week’s post).
Of course it’s not easy. So you have to develop the will, the skill and grit!
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Hi Shirley,
Tough situations.
If you don’t speak out in public when they attack you, you’ll only encourage them to go after you more.
Trust yourself. Trust your accurate opinion of what they’ll do – attack you when they want.
Establish separate relationships without her. For example, with your uncle. Write, talk and see him separately. Let him know why.
You can also see your brother, step-siblings and cousins if they don’t collude with your mother. Otherwise the price is too high. And when you’re talking with them, no talking about your mother. That’s what separate relationships are.
By the way, your mother’s tactics sound like those of the pervert trying to lure a little girl intro his car.
You need another family!
Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps. Then we can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your strength and courage and skill to carry it out effectively.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2011 at 8:14 pm
Ben
Thank you so much for this.
I think I would like the phone or Skype councelling – in fact i think I really have to do it. Would be good to have a specialist & the same person each time!
I little laugh keeps escaping from behind my hand at your ‘pervet’ comment about my mother!
Many thanks
Shirley
October 4th, 2011 at 6:40 pm
Hi Shirley,
Thanks for all your comments to many articles.
I’ll answer them all in one response and put it on all the articles:
“Stop Bullying, Abuse: Say, “That’s Enough!”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/02/stop-bullying-abuse-say-thats-enough/
“Maturation: Overcome Fear of Bullying Parents”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/22/maturation-overcome-fear-of-bullying-parents/
“Stop Toxic Parents and Grandparents: Shine a Light” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/02/16/stop-toxic-parents-and-grandparents-shine-a-light/
“To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/04/to-increase-confidence-and-self-esteem-test-the-world-not-yourself/
People who read only one of your comments may have to piece things together, but the answers tie together.
Should we confront toxic parents?
I’m going to write an article on this but it won’t come out for a few weeks so I’ll give you the quick answer: It depends on what you hope to gain from the interaction.
1. Don’t use the word “confront” on yourself. It’s a dirty word that bullies use to get you not to protect yourself and not to set your boundaries. You must “Protect yourself” and you must “set your boundaries.” That’s a much better way of saying it. And if they trample your boundaries, you have to ask yourself, “Why am I with such jerks? Why am I presenting my throat to vampires? Why am I lying still for hyenas? Why do I let people vomit on my feet? Why do I allow them in my space? Why am I in theirs?”
2. Do you hope that “protecting yourself” will change them? Maybe when you’re young but now that they’ve been doing it to you for over 40 years, I doubt it.
3. Do you hope that you’ll feel better after you protect yourself? You may and that’s a good reason to do it?
4. Do you hope you’ll feel more powerful when you speak up for yourself? That would be a great reason. Take power. Don’t wait for them to empower you.
5. Will you do it in private or public? We think of saying things in private the first time. But after that, bullies can ignore you when you’re defending yourself in private and they’re attacking you in public. Protecting yourself in the moment by saying, “That’s not true. That’s a lie. You’re still a bully and I won’t put up with bullying any more,” can be a wonderful thing to say in public.
6. Might protecting yourself change the family dynamics? Too many families hide the truth and live on lies. Speaking out can change the dynamics. You’ll find out who wants to be friends with you and who wants to repress you – for whatever reasons.
7. Will protecting yourself set a good example for your children? Yes. And it’s crucial for you to set great examples. Be a model!
8. What’s the “right time” to speak up? If you hope to change them, the “right time” and the “right way” can be a consideration. But not for any other reason. The time is always “NOW” and the place is always “HERE.”
Hope that covers most of your considerations. It’s your call.
How can I still relate to my uncle and a few others in the family? I think that you can only relate to those who want to have a wonderful relationship totally separate from the toxic parents. That is, you’ll talk to them, text them and see them on your own without your toxic family being part of that. Is that sneaky? No. That’s just cleaning up your home and sweeping out the crud. And not allowing it back in. Tell the good relatives what’s going on and see if they want to have fun with you.
What if I don’t act dignified? Stop bullying yourself. Of course you won’t be skillful at first. But the more you practice standing up for yourself the better you’ll get. Which is more important: protecting yourself or looking dignified?
What do I think of psychotherapy? Depends on the psychotherapist. Do you focus more on making effective action or on why you don’t? Are you doing more of the things you want or are you still analyzing why not? Are you doing all the work of communicating? Are you wasting you time trying to turn hyenas into vegetarians?
You are the safe situation! You’re an adult now. If people aren’t nice, don’t get into the pervert’s car!
Create a better life with better people in your space.
Be the hero of your life.
Did I miss anything?
Call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543) so you can overcome your old beliefs and blocks, and design a plan especially for you and your situation. I take credit cards.
Best wishes,
Ben