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Stop Toxic Parents and Grandparents: Shine a Light
By Ben | February 16, 2010
Should you tell your children about your toxic parents, their toxic grandparents? What should you tell them and how?
Imagine that your parents no longer abuse you physically or sexually, but they still demean you, scapegoat you, ignore or scorn you, make nasty, hostile, sarcastic remarks and put-downs, and let you know that you’re not good enough. No matter what you do or don’t do, you’re wrong. They take charge of your life when you see them and break appointments whenever they feel like it. Their wants and feelings are the center of the world and you don’t count.
Imagine also that you used to think that if you told them, in just the right way and at the right time, how hurtful their treatment was and is, they’d stop. Or that you used to think your job was to rise above that treatment because they’re your parents, they’re getting old, they’re suffering, they deserve a little peace and happiness, and you owe them.
When can you stop trying to build bridges? When can you cut off communication? When can you tell your children why?
Harassment, bullying and verbal, physical and sexual abuse is usually multi-generational. Families help perpetuate the abusive behavior by keeping secrets and telling lies. If you give them a chance, your parents will likely do to your children what they did to you. The old wounds still throb even if your parents are nice sometimes. They still bleed when your parents repeat the same old treatment even now.
When you grow up, you may vow to break the cycle and treat your children better, but how can you protect them from the example they see of their grandparents still bullying you or them now? And how can you stop obsessing on your childhood trauma or yesterday’s verbal battering?
Once you’ve tried everything you can think of, every approach, every sweet way of suggesting or speaking truthfully (say, a thousand times) and your parents (or step-parents) still protect each other, perpetuate the lies and tell you that you’re nasty and crazy, I think that’s enough.
Protect yourself and your children, turn your back to them, and create a safe and wonderful island of life for your family. That means that your parents don’t get on it.
See the case studies of Carrie, Jake and Doug in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” for some tactics that were successful.
Some suggestions:
- Always remember the effects on your life and how they tried to crush your spirit. Don’t let a running, internal debate about them suck all your energy down a black hole. Stop negative self-talk; it’ll only discourage and depress you, increase self-doubt, destroy self-confidence and self-esteem, keep you fixated and stuck, and take your eyes off the great future you want for yourself and your family.
- You don’t need more understanding of them. You don’t need to save them from themselves or each other. Don’t be their therapist. Let them fix themselves on their own time and their own bodies; not yours.
- Spirit counts more than biology. Start calling them by their first names. Don’t give them titles they don’t deserve, like “Grandma” or “Grandpa.”
- Don’t argue or debate with your parents. You’ll never convince them that you’re doing the right thing. Bullies always want what they want – to feast on your feelings and flesh. Simply tell them that they’re off your island. Take steps to cut off communication. Change your phone numbers and e-mails. Move if you have to.
- Tell your children what’s age appropriate. They don’t need the gory details when they’re six, but they do when they’re sixteen. Gather them together and make it a serious occasion. The framework is that they need to know how to protect themselves and to set standards for their own behavior. Don’t go into psychoanalytical reasons why your parents did it or why they, and maybe the rest of the family, collude to protect them. That’s obvious. You’ll probably have to re-visit the conversation.
- Be invulnerable. That’s the term coined by Victor and Mildred Goertzel in their study of the lives of more than 300 famous 20th-century men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962). Instead of finding that these highly successful people had wonderful parents, they found that many had agonizing childhoods spent in bleak, troubled homes, including domineering, alcoholic, rage-aholic or neglectful parents. They described the children who succeeded, despite a psychologically damaging childhood, as resilient or invulnerable.
- Be a model for your children. Show them that abusive behavior drives people away. Show them how to stand up to abuse, which sometimes means creating distance instead of being sucked into a battle that ties up your life.
- Create a new family including new elders; a family of your heart and spirit. Have so much fun, bring so much joy that there’s not a hole anymore that would be filled with thoughts of biological grandparents.
- Get an expert coach to increase your determination, perseverance, courage and resilience, and to create tactics for your individual situation.
Your task is to create a fabulous life. Don’t let toxic parents or grandparents – or siblings or friends – ruin it. Shine a light on bullies. Your children need you to show them how to thrive in the face of abuse, cover-ups and lies.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, parenting |
March 23rd, 2010 at 8:12 am
Ben, Thanks for taking the time to write and post this. Please know that you touched at least one household with this information.
March 24th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Hi AnonyMom,
Thanks for letting me know. That inspires me to keep going.
Keep on doing great.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 13th, 2010 at 6:36 pm
Thanks Ben. This really helped me. I have been feeling physically ill thinking about seeing my Mother because it seems every encounter is toxic and leaves me feeling like I must need therapy. I feel happy when I don’t see her and have worried about the effect on my children when they hear her lie to me and all her negative\paranoid toxic talk and attitude towards life.
I’ve decided to cut her out of my life and just deciding it has made me feel so much better.
Thanks!!
April 14th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Hi Sarah,
Good for you.
Most of us get motivated in order to set a good example for our children. They need that example set!
Carrie, Jake and Doug are examples of people who stopped bullying parents in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2010 at 11:08 pm
My husband’s family have bullied me until finally I had to cut off contact with them. My husband is so ashamed and feels horrible that he couldn’t stop their constant torments. A cousin of my husband, emailed put downs and taunts about me in an email and stupidly cc’d me. When my husband informed her that she behaved horribly, she replied that I should overlook her bad behavior for family unity. When my husband replied that we will not see her again until she shows remorse, she replied that my husband is a “sick and evil man,” further displaying her bullying nature.
April 20th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Hi Barbara,
Sounds horrible. And I’m glad you have clear evidence.
Bullies often try emotional blackmail using general values (love, family unity, preserve relationship) to keep their targets around to accept the bullies’ rotten actions.
As I detail in “How to Stop Bullies in their tracks,” I always ask the targets, “Is this the specific relationship and the specific behavior you want?” Usually, the answer is “No!!!!!!” I want better.”
Bullies like your husband’s family are predators. They rarely stop. Read the case studies of Kathy, Doug and Jake.
I usually don’t applaud shame, but in this case, your husband’s shame is there to motivate him to stop wasting his time trying to convert predators, but instead to leave. Don’t expose your children to people who treat you like that. Adults can leave. That’s the best way to get bullies and predators out of your life.
Of course they’ll blame on you and him – bullies always do. That can be a reminder to stay away. Don’t argue with them. Tell them “good-bye.” Don’t answer phone calls, delete emails before reading, don’t open letters. After a year or two you can look and see if the calls, emails or letters have changed.
Go create a new family of your heart and spirit; a family that will treat you good. Have unity with that family.
You and your husband probably need a good coach to create a plan designed specifically for your situation and also to help you keep your strength, courage and determination strong.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 25th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
This post has helped remove the unhealthy guilt that I have been carrying around with me for far too long. Instead of being tempted to “try again” and ultimately getting hurt, I have decided that this time I will not return to a family that bullies, disappoints, and uses. My son has a wonderful set of maternal grandparents, a godfather, and countless friends around him - that ’spiritual family’ you talk about is already up and running!
April 26th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Hi Josie,
I’m thrilled for you and your son.
Stay with the family that nourishes your hearts, minds and spirits.
For example, see how Doug and Heloen found the right people in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
April 27th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
[…] are toxic people in every environment – toxic lovers, husbands, wives, parents, children, relatives, bosses and coworkers. Many […]
May 2nd, 2010 at 2:54 am
Dear Ben,
Thank you so much for writing this post. I am a survivor of alcoholic, self-destructive and emotionally abusive/crippling toxic parents - although I have cut them out of my life, they have made attempts to get in contact with me in the past six months through my husband’s family (just by looking them up in the phone book!). This is because they are facing serious financial trouble of their own making, of course and they think I have a “duty” to help them through it - not because they wanted to engage in therapy or apologize for their vicious, toxic behavior, oh no! I have remained firm on all occasions (a “hands up stop right there” approach) and told them I wanted no engagement whatsoever with them or their problems, and to leave me, my husband and his family alone.
Although dealing with any flare-ups from them gets easier as time goes on (I have made a clear choice to create a beautiful, joyous “island” of my life which doesn’t have them on it), it is still always distressing to have to deal with them because they have something of a Pavlov’s dog effect on me (as I’m sure many children of toxic parents understand)! This wonderful post gave me even more tools in my kit for dealing with my emotional reaction to them, and reminded me why it was so important to stay strong and keep them out of my life - for the benefit of my future children! I have printed this article and have kept it in a safe place - because I know that one day I will have to explain my difficult birth family background to my children.
Thank you so, so much, and keep up the great work!
May 3rd, 2010 at 10:02 am
Hi Bernadette,
Thank you. And good for you for surviving, thriving and making your boundaries real.
You probably have to tell your husband’s family something so they’ll understand. Not as a subject for debate, but just so they don’t think you’re a rotten person. You have good reasons to keep predators and scavengers away from your family.
I usually try to find a relative on their side that’s so bad they have to keep him or her away. For example, a drunk or child molester. The ones you don’t invite for the holidays or to weddings. Then it’s easy for them to understand.
Planning ahead, I expect your toxic family will also try to get more when they start dying.
Of course, we have emotional flare-ups. We are human and our “Monkey Minds” keep throwing us back into old combinations of emotions like pain, guilt, shame, anger and hate.
Great planning to prepare your children for what they should know. You’re going to create the family of your heart and spirit!
As I stress in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” stay strong and determined – will and skill! And a good coach can help.
Good for you – you’re an inspiration for others who will find the article.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 17th, 2010 at 2:21 am
Thank you Ben. I am 35 years old w/ a husband and 3 kids. My kids are 10, 13 &14 and since they were born, I’ve tried to create a good environment filled w/love. After many years of toxic behavior from my parents, I decided to cut off communication. I always thought by at least having a relationship w/ them and a sister who is extremely toxic, that I was setting a good example for my kids. Reading your article helped me understand that I was probably doing more harm than good by having people like these around my family. Thanks for helping me feel reassured that I’ve done the right thing for my kids. I feel they will learn the truths when it is time and I know they will understand.
June 18th, 2010 at 11:37 am
Hi Striving,
Good for you!!!!!
You’re an example for many people.
You’re now setting a good example for your kids. Teach them to be very careful before they allow anyone on their island.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 16th, 2010 at 11:22 am
After reading this, I feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.
After literally decades of hoping my relationship with a toxic parent would improve, a recent incident left me sure that I needed to disconnect once and for all before my infant son is old enough to become affected by it.
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to read this post and realize that others feel exactly as I do. In a culture that encourages people to “work it out,” sometimes that’s not possible or advisable … and finally, having drawn that line in the sand, I’m free to exhale and move forward. Thank you.
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Hi Waiting to Exhale,
Good for you. You can’t live with predators. Do you think hyenas would stop attacking you if you tell them that you’re a vegetarian?
The culture is wrong because it doesn’t acknowledge the presence of predators. It assumes that if you were only good enough and did enough, they’d change. WRONG! You’re right; your popular culture is wrong.
Don’t let them lure you back.
Find good elders for yourself and your son. Later you can tell him whey he doesn’t see his biological grandparents; why he has grandparents of his heart and spirit.
See the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” available on this website.
Get a coach to keep your strength, courage and perseverance up.
Best wishes,
Ben