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Stop Toxic Coworkers and Other Bullies
By Ben | February 2, 2010
There are toxic people in every environment – toxic family, toxic friends, toxic lovers and toxic coworkers. If you don’t recognize and respond effectively to toxic, bullying coworkers they can make your life miserable, harass you, turn the rest of your team against you, scapegoat you and even get you fired.
For example,
Jane is known to be difficult, obnoxious and an out of control retaliator. But she’s very bright and hard working so management tends to minimize the problems she causes, overlook the tension, hostility and chaos she creates, and explain away her behavior by saying, “That’s just Jane. She must have a good heart.” She specializes in vendettas. Most people are afraid of her; they usually walk on egg shells around her and try to avoid setting off one of her tirades.
The bosses make you the leader of an important project that requires tact and people skills because they don’t trust Jane. Jane is enraged. Sometimes she blames and threatens you – you stole her job, she’ll report everything you do wrong, she’ll ruin your reputation and she’ll get you fired. Sometimes she acts sweet – as if she wants to be your best friend. Sometimes she tries to make you feel guilty so you’ll refuse to lead the project she thinks should be hers – that’s the only way you can prove to her that you’re a good person and her friend.
Is Jane right? Are you sneaky and manipulative and have you wronged her? Or is this a misunderstanding you can overcome so she’ll still be your friend?
How can you distinguish a friendly coworker who’s justifiably upset from one of these toxic bullies? Simple. You look for patterns in how Jane acts and how you and others feel when you’re around her.
Typically, toxic coworkers have patterns in which they:
- Are selfish and narcissistic – it’s always about them; only their interpretations and feelings matter. Only their interpretations are true.
- Are sneaky, manipulative, back-stabbing stealth bullies.
- Are over-reactive, control freaks – their interpretations give them permission to search and destroy, no matter how slight or unintentional the insult. They throw fits and attack or embarrass people they’re upset at.
- Act sweet one time only pry out people’s secrets and look for the opportunity to strike back even more. Remember, they’re acting polite doesn’t mean they’re nice.
- Will openly lie and deny it. They’re always 100% convinced and convincing.
- Relentlessly disparage, demean, spy on and report “bad” conduct (often made up) about their targets.
Typically, teammates of these bullies should ask themselves:
- Are you afraid of what Jane might do or that Jane won’t be friends with you?
- Does she threaten you?
- Have you seen Jane attack, manipulate or lie about other targets before you?
- Does Jane apologize but not change or even strike back later?
- Does Jane tell you that you’re special and she’d never go after you?
- Does Jane make efforts to be reasonable and to overcome misunderstandings, to say that the problem is partly her fault and then does she make amends and change?
Of course, you want to be careful that you’re not overreacting. You want to know if you’re seeing their actions clearly. But if you answer the first five questions with “yes,” and the last one with “no,” you should beware.
When you identify Jane as someone who is relentless, implacable and has no conscience in pursuing her targets, you know what you’re dealing with. She’s out to destroy you just like she went after other coworkers in the past.
Your first thought may be, “How can I win her friendship?” or it may be, “She’s suffered so much in her own life, how can I not forgive her?” If you follow these thoughts with feelings of kindness, compassion and compromise, if you don’t mobilize to protect you life, limb and job you will be sacrificing yourself on an altar of silly sentimentality.
I take a strong approach: Recognize evil and recognize crazy or out of control people who won’t negotiate or compromise. The Jane’s and John’s of this world are bullies, abusers and predators that do tremendous damage. They’re why well-meaning people have to consult with experts. Remember, you would have already resolved situations with coworkers who are reasonable, willing to examine their own actions honestly, and to negotiate and compromise. You need help with the terminators that you face.
So what can you do?
Divide your response into two areas:
- Will – determination, perseverance, resilience, endurance, grit.
- Skill – overall strategy, tactics and the ability to maintain your poise and carry out your plan.
Will
- Convert doubt and hesitation into permission to act and then into an inner command to act effectively. Until you have the will, no tactics will help – you’ll give in, back off, bounce from one strategy to another and you’ll fail, even with the best plan.
- Don’t let your good heart blind you to the damage she’ll do to you. You’ve already given her second and third chances. That’s enough. She’s not merely misunderstanding you in any way you can clear up; logic, reason and common sense aren’t effective with the Jane’s of this world.
- See Jane as a terminator – she’s relentless, implacable and has no conscience. Under her human-looking skin she’s out to destroy you. Your good heart and attempts to reason politely won’t stop her.
- Assume that you can’t rehabilitate or convert Jane in your life time. That’s not what they pay you for at work anyway. You’re merely Jane’s coworker with an important personal life, a personal island that needs protecting. Let Jane’s therapist change her in professional space and on professional time that she pays for.
- You don’t owe her anything because she got you the job or rescued you from drowning. She’s out to get you and you must protect yourself. Let Jane struggle to change on someone else’s professional time. Don’t put your reputation, your job or your family’s livelihood in harm’s way. Don’t minimize or excuse. Deal only with Jane’s behavior.
- All plans must be adjusted to your specific situation – you, Jane, the company, your personal life. Added complications would be if Jane is your boss or the manager of your team likes her or is afraid of her and will collude with her against you.
- Don’t believe Jane’s promises; don’t be fooled if she acts nice and sweet one time. Pay attention to the pattern of actions. If she’s sweet, she’s probably seeking to get information that she can use against you.
- Don’t expect her to tell the truth. She’ll say one thing to you and report exactly the opposite to everyone else. She’ll lie when she reports bad things you have supposedly done. She knows that repetition is convincing; eventually some of her dirt might stick to you. Have witnesses who’ll stand up for you in public.
- Don’t argue the details of an interaction to try to convince her of your side. State your side in a way that will convince bystanders. Always remind bystanders of your honesty, integrity and good character, which they should know.
- Document everything; use a small digital recorder. Find allies as high up in the company as you can. When you report Jane, be professional; concentrate on her behavior, not your hurt feelings. Make a business case to encourage company leaders to act. It’s about the money, coworkers and clients that the company will save when they terminate Jane.
- When you listen to voice mails from Jane or talk with her in person, tighten the muscles of your stomach just below your belly button, while you keep breathing. That’ll remind you to prepare for a verbal gut-punch.
- Get your own employment lawyer and a good coach to strengthen your will, develop your courage and plan effective tactics.
Each situation is different – you, the toxic coworker and the rest of the company. The need to protect yourself and your career remains the same, while the tactics vary with the situation. All tactics are situational tactics.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book | 14 Comments »
May 4th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
[...] No one strategy stops control freaks. The creation of a successful tactical plan depends on the people, the style of the controller, the situation and the power dynamics. But there are a few guidelines. [...]
August 10th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
I have discovered that my co-worker is so arrogant that she has been bragging about me accusing her of bullying & harassment. Every one in the office is fearful of her & no one wants to work with her. My department & immediate manager have allowed her to intimidate them. They instructed me three months ago to make a change she requested just so she would go away. Her position has been eliminated so she has been harassing me because she feels they should allow her to take my position because she’s been in the department longer than I. It doesn’t work that way where I work. She doesn’t have the qualifications for my job, but she continues to try to intimidate everyone whose attention she can get. The information in this Blog are helpful and I will try some of these techniques over the next 10 days while I still have to work with her.
August 11th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Hi CJ,
Hang in.
Don’t go silent. Keep reminding your manager and other bosses about your qualifications and good character. Also, about how relieved they’ll all feel when she’s gone.
The whole group will heave a sigh of relief and feel light because a monkey is off their backs.
The problem hasn’t been only her. The real problem is conflict avoidant managers who won’t be honest and do the work to bring an employee up to high standards or remove her.
They need my CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low attitudes,” and some consulting and coaching. ?
Also, suggest they check out blog posts:
What happens when a conflict avoidant manager doesn’t stop a bullying employee?
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2007/12/27/what-happens-when-a-conflict-avoidant-manager-doesnt-stop-a-difficult-hostile-abusive-bullying-employee/
Therapist managers
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/02/managers-who-act-like-therapists-victimize-their-whole-team/
Don’t keep all your employees happy
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/05/05/don%e2%80%99t-try-to-make-all-your-employees-happy/
Appeasement Won’t Stop Real-World Bullies
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/08/14/appeasement-wont-stop-real-world-bullies/
The Golden Rule Doesn’t Stop Real-World Bullies
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/08/03/the-golden-rule-doesnt-stop-real-world-bullies/
Best wishes,
Ben
September 4th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
What happens when the manager is the bully? I’ve been bullied by this manager going on 4 years (I need the job). He has his inner circle that pretend to be nice on occassion as I’m the only one that is producing revenue (transportation/freight industry). His best friend works in the dept and has been arrested 3 times, failed at least one drug test and almost lost a couple of major customers for our parent company – he’s still there…but if I say hello the wrong way I get written up. It’s getting worse – I applied for a job, was the #1 candidate and then get told upper mgmt wants to look outside all because my mgr didn’t want me to go. Now I’m stuck and the verbal harrassment won’t stop. If I don’t go in on Tuesday with a great attitude I’ll be fired and for what? I tried to explain a process to a new woman in the dept who ran to mgmt because I wouldn’t do it her way.My husband is in my dept and I’m afraid they’ve targeted him too (told him not to defend me at all)…now my mgr is a 9th grade dropout and personifies the southern hillbilly characterature
September 9th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Hi ld,
Since you need that particular job you’re stuck.
The only hope for changing them is finding a big boss who’ll defend you or a lawyer who’ll help you build a successful case. You probably won’t get justice from them.
In the meantime, you’ll have to keep a fire burning in your heart while you bide your time; try to prepare for a different job at a different company, maybe in a different town. You have to plan long-term so you don’t need that particular job with those people.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 9th, 2010 at 3:56 am
I came accross your blog by accident, while looking through the net for answers. I am in a dire situation at the moment. Im working with a very manipulative female co-worker. She is probably the most toxic person I have met in my entire life. She controls other peoples opinion through fake kindness, befriends them, finds out important facts about their lives or most importantly the job and then makes her move. She is a cyborg without feelings. Zero remorse, zero feelings of guilt or an inner compass of what is generally deemed as “right or wrong”. She is jealous and VINDICTIVE, takes everything the wrong way (you can never act in an appropriate way in front of her…as she claims) and will literally go from one behavioral extreme to the next in order to get what she wants. I have tried every technique I could think of and failed. I tried “understanding” her inner child and obviously failed. I tried, talking to her openly, reasoning with her, explaining things to her. To no avail. She simply DOES NOT CARE. The only thing she cares about is revenge, winning and profiting from every interaction/situation.I have spoken to my supervisors at work (I work as a civil servant) explaining them the situation and they did nothing. I later found out that half of them were being influenced by her fake kindness and the other half simply did not bother because her attitudes did not affect them personally. Since the job was getting done through us (myself and another co-worker) it didnt matter. Now, she is blackmailing the entire municipality and they are afraid of her. So once more they are not willing to sack her. I am at the end of my tether. She has made my life a living hell. I am thinking of quitting my job because of her. My family life is suffering, my personal life is suffering. My health is suffering. Bullying is REAL and has got me to the point where I am afraid to go to work and having to have eyes at the back of my head to keep track of what she does to avoid getting fired by her lies and manipulation. I need you help. Could you please suggest some books I could read on the subject (by you?). Is there anything I could do?
October 11th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
The bully that was in my office is gone now. She was arrogant enough to cause damage to herself. I sent her an email (to her personal email & only to her) asking her if we could make peace. I explained to her that I didn’t appreciate the way she was treating me and explained that it was a form of harassment. She figured that if she showed this letter to management, I would get fired. It turned out that she ended up being a security risk and Security handled the situation. I never showed that letter to anyone. I was giving her an opportunity to change her ways. Before she left, she apologized to me. I think it was her way of manipulating me, but I’m too smart for that. My bosses (all men) wouldn’t do anything about her. All of them were afraid of her. The person in Security who handled the problem is a woman and I think that’s why things were handled the way they were. I don’t know if that will work for you, but maybe it will help you find the best way to handle your situation. Good Luck, CJ
October 12th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Hi Trisha,
Tough situation.
You tried everything right to change a predator and faile,…so now you know what she is – a predator with her own agenda and you don’t matter unless your prey.
Of course, you must document everything, but since you can’t find an ally higher up there are no easy solutions.
The books, especially “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and the CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low attitudes,” would be helpful, but you need an expert coach to help you design solutions in two areas:
1. Keeping you strong, courageous and persevering while you face a determined predator and scared/uncaring bystanders.
2. Designing tactics that fit your situation, your criteria and what you’re capable of.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Hi CJ,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I bet a lot of readers have similar episodes that didn’t work out well.
Good for you and great for the security person. I’m glad someone wasn’t a coward at your company.
One general rule: expect that nothing you email is private. Write everything as if you thought it might be shared with the world. Say only what you’d be proud to have said.
That’s the equivalent of not sending nude pictures to a boyfriend. You may regret what he does with it.
Apologies are chap without amends. Bullies use apologies to get you to lower your guard. They don’t change.
See the story of Charles in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – he had to fight against a hostile company.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 2nd, 2011 at 11:01 pm
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December 18th, 2011 at 8:54 pm
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December 28th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
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January 11th, 2012 at 6:36 pm
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