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Stop Bullying Boyfriends, Domineering Dates and Controlling Girlfriends
By Ben | December 15, 2009
The holidays are a perfect time to recognize and respond effectively to the early warning signs of bullying boyfriends, controlling girlfriends and domineering dates. Whether these control-freaks are stimulated by holiday pressures and stresses, or they simply seize the opportunity to take charge of multiple events, their subversive, controlling tactics become more apparent during the holidays.
Many people need coaching help at this time of year to stop the Grinches who want to destroy their family fun.
Call these control-freaks “bullies” when:
Call these control-freaks “bullies” when:
- They won’t allow you to continue family traditions you love.
- They try to control the timing of visits to your family.
- They insist that the holidays must be celebrated the way they want.
- They insist that the holidays are merely foolish, commercial events and you’re not allowed to feel good cheer or to celebrate.
- They insist on a hostile review your choice of presents. They won’t allow the “Secret Santa” gifts.
- They fight over every little arrangement. They’ll harass you until you give in.
Some of these abusive bullies are overt – they threaten or use force or they simply block your way and won’t let you leave or they throw big fits and threaten to break up with you.
Some of the early warning signs of the subtle, covert, stealthy, sneaky, manipulative bullies are:
- They control everything; they make the rules – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
- They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
- Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt. Their negativity is depressing. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
- You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the pets, your favorite things. You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
- They insist that their values are right and yours are “silly” or “wrong” or “illogical.”
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or family, go to school or even work.
They use their ruthless logic to prove that they’re right and that you should do things their way. To defy them means a war that would ruin the holidays.
The temptation for nice people is to find excuses for bullies’ explosive feelings and controlling actions, and to give in. The temptation is to think you can give them the love they didn’t get when they were kids or that you can love them so much that they’ll become nice. The temptation is to think that they’ll change with time.
Don’t give in to those temptations. Don’t argue, debate or try to convince them that they should change.
While they’re still merely boyfriends, girlfriends or dates, vote them off your island. Make the break before you move in, buy a house or have children. No matter how much you think you love them, make the break immediately.
Enjoy a dateless holiday this year so that you can make space for someone better to come into your life next year.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book |
December 18th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
As there is no way to identify bullies before they select a victim and begin displaying their controlling behavior, we have no way to stop them.
Anyhow, why should society wait until a victim comes forward to denounce the abuse? Perhaps we would be better if everybody had the power to denounce abusive/controlling behavior as soon as we see it.
Meanwhile, the only way of identifying abusers is to allow some kind, peaceful soul get near so they can begin using their controlling and abusive tactics. And of course, the information about their abuse only is shared when the victim is at the end of her rope, having suffered a lot of abuse and having her self-esteem destroyed for life.
For the time being, we give people the benefit of the doubt and so allow enough abuse time as to the the abuser believe in his impunity while controlling another human being. They never think that they will be caught, so “normal” is this behavior for them. When you call on their behavior, they get indignant, furious and counter attack the accusation with violence.
Something is really wrong and we should be able to catch this kind of behavior before it latches on one victim and destroys her….
http://www.passiveaggresive.com
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:06 am
Ben,
Excellent insight! You have no idea how often I speak with women and men who think they are better off having SOMEONE (even if that someone is a controlling bully)in attendance, rather than being alone. But sometimes we only realize our own true worth and strengths when we ARE untethered. I never realized how capable and GREAT I was until I was a single mother going it alone. After years of oppression, it was very liberating to realize that I had abilities, and an intelligent mind, and a RIGHT to decide for myself who I could be with and where I could go and what I could say. As long as there are willing and easy victims, the bullies will always have power.
And they shouldn’t.
It’s important that individuals discover how awesome they really are… and the best way to do that is to be alone, with no one coercing or directing or bullying them from the sidelines. Only then, when they’ve come to understand their amazing abilities and value, will they be able to wisely choose a worthy companion or mate.
Thank you for your words of wisdom, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Karen Bessey Pease
Author, Grumble Bluff
http://www.karenbesseypease.com
December 26th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Hi Noreen,
I think you’re going about the good task of stopping bullies in a way that has worse consequences. We can’t ever proceed on the basis of predictions and denunciations. Societies that try that method become controlling dictatorships. If societies acted on predictions, they would have long ago killed all the people who looked different or were of different races, religions or ethnicities. In the long run, acting on behavior has the least harmful results.
At the same time, of course we need to stop bullies. Society has a part in that, but only a part. We can’t ever make the world totally safe. The cost of trying is to lose all our freedom and liberty in the name of security.
Individuals must learn to protect themselves using the laws based on actions. Or get bullies off your island early on, before they do any real damage.
Humans evolved when there were animal and other human predators. Each generation, each individual has to learn how to navigate through a world with both animal and human predators as well as with friends and lovers. The lumps we get while doing that, give us the strength, character and skill to bring up the next generation.
I suggest working on your life as an individual; don’t try to solve everyone’s problems.
For examples of people who succeeded, see the studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 26th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Thank you for your comment Karen,
An image I’ve been using lately is for us to stop focusing on ourselves (whether we’re worthwhile or deserving or good enough) and to focus strictly on what behavior we want on our islands.
Then to vote people off our islands if they won’t behave that way. Better to be alone than have the space taken up by a bully or abuser. It took Grace a while to figure that out in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.” The methods she used have been used successfully by many other people.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 23rd, 2010 at 10:56 pm
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