« Sexting Suicide: Vicious Boys, Mean Girls and Self-Bullying | Home | Stop Bullying Boyfriends, Domineering Dates and Controlling Girlfriends »
Stop Gossip Girls’ Bullying, Harassment and Abuse at Work
By Ben | December 8, 2009
Recent articles in the “New York Times” by Shayla McKnight, in the “Harvard Business Blogs” by Cheryl Dolan and Faith Oliver, and in “Stumble Upon” have focused on the harm done by workplace “gossip girls,” “mean girls” and on the difficulty in stopping these bullies. However, some academics have even made a case for the benefits of gossip at work.
Although men also engage in gossip at work, the typical image of harassment and bullying with gossip involves grown up mean girls using the same tactics they perfected in middle and high school.
Gossip is part of a pattern of negativity, verbal abuse, sabotage, rumor mongering, exclusion, back-stabbing, public ridicule, “catfights,” arguments, vendettas, disrespect, cutting out and forming warring cliques, crowds or mobs that wreaks havoc on previously productive teams. Conflict and stress, and turnover and sick leave increase, while morale and productivity are destroyed. These tactics lead to hostile workplace and discrimination suits against companies that don’t actively recognize and remove stealthy gossip girls, their supporters and managers who tolerate the bullying.
Although gossip, harassment and bullying by mean girls are scourges at work, they can be stopped.
Of course there are people for whom gossip is a way of life. They can’t imagine living without talking about other people. But if you want to maximize productivity of your team or company, you’ll have to stop these people, as well as the hardened climbers who use gossip to gain power and turf, or who simply like inflicting pain on their victims.
The key to stopping these hostile behaviors is team agreements:
- Ban the practices – have clearly stated company policies and procedures.
- Publicize the no-gossip policy during interviews and new-employee orientation.
- Track behavior as part of evaluations that count.
- Involve the whole team, as well as managers, to hold one another accountable.
- Remove people who insist on their own destructive behavioral code.
Make the overall tone at work be “We have more important things to talk about than gossip.”
Obviously, the burden falls on owners and leaders. They set the tone. If they’re the gossip girls or boys, you won’t be able to change their company.
But owners and leaders can’t do it themselves. They must involve and enroll all the employees. They must promote and keep only those who actively support the effort to create better attitudes and behavior.
Sometimes the voices of an outside expert and company lawyers are necessary to guide the process. But ultimately, leaders and employees must take charge of creating an environment where they can thrive without having to look over their shoulders with the same kind of anxiety and fear they had in middle of high school.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book | 5 Comments »
December 9th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I am very thankful for what you guys are doing here at bulliesbegoneblog.com. I feel like bullying is a very large problem and it is critical to help with this issue, which is just what you’re doing. On the note of raising awareness, there is an anti-bullying poster contest going on over at Brickfish that I’d like to bring your attention to. If you’d take a couple seconds and vote for my entry, we might be able to raise even further awareness about this issue. You can view and vote for my entry here:
http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=1073978_71121801&profilename=Causes&groupname=AntiBullyingPoster&tab=submit&jspost=1&cid=5673521&scid=512&new=1&isep=1&pbapi=3178583&pbvi=145343770&plyli=1&pdi=23&=FBPOST¬pbb=true
Thank you for what you’re doing,
Whitney
December 12th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Hi Whitney,
Thanks for your comment. And a nicely designed poster.
I’ll be frank and straightforward. If you hug a bully and they stop bullying you, they’re not really a bully. Real bullies are predators who look at kindness, niceness and people who go by the Golden rule as easy targets, easy prey.
So learn to defend yourself and give people one chance to respond to your kindness with kindness of their own. If they don’t return your kindness, defend your island.
For example, read my blog posts:
Appeasement Won’t Stop Real-World Bullies – http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/08/14/appeasement-wont-stop-real-world-bullies/
and
The Golden Rule Doesn’t Stop Real-World Bullies – http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/08/03/the-golden-rule-doesnt-stop-real-world-bullies/
Also, do you think a hug would have changed the bullying people in the comments people have offered on the posts below?
Get Away from a Controlling, Bullying, Abusive Husband
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/06/09/get-away-from-a-controlling-bullying-abusive-husband/
and
Abusive, Manipulative Husbands Who Control Wives
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/03/12/abusive-manipulative-husbands-who-control-their-wives/
and
How to stop a controlling boyfriend
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/01/29/how-to-stop-a-controlling-boyfriend/
Also, read the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
October 28th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I just went through two years of workforcebullying and racial descrimination .It systematically broke me down and increased my anxiety to severe levels. They lied and told people that I had aids and herpes and questioned my fidelity. The women ranged from ages 30 to 66. It was also very much racailly motivated . I won a mediation for almost 60,000 dollars and the manager who was part of it and basically sexually harrassment me finally got fired two months later for sexually harrassment by three other women. I then went to a new company who swore that they have a no tolerance for racial descrimination and harrassment and I befriended and trusted a couple of women during this training at work and they ended up spreading the same lies I told them about the hurt it caused me that women were going around saying that I had aids and herpes . They also told people that I smelled bad. I beleive it has to do with how I look .I am considered very attractive mixed women with very large breast and people hate me for it. It is my fault for sharing this with them I think it is perhaps because I still have not healed from the last job and I was seeking some understanding and now I am suffering all over again! I am going to have to find another job and next time I will keep my pain to myself. I hate mean girls and weak men that have nothing better to do than denigrate others and project their pain and inadequacies on people so that they fit in with the clicque. I now see that people never grow up and jealousy is a human condition that is unfortunately a part of life. Even though I understand the psychology of why people bully it still hurts me so much that I am devastated. Even though I know that I don’t have aids and herpes it makes me feel like I do because other people believe it and alienate me.
November 6th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Hi Michelle,
Sorry this has happened to you. It’s all too common.
People can be mean and rotten. We typically think of men harassing women, but mean girls do grow up and can be very cruel in their way.
Don’t let anyone break your spirit!!!! Remember the sign from the movie on the “Bridge to Terebithia” – nothing crushes us!!!!
You may be a target and they can do bad things to you, but don’t be a victim in your mind and heart.
Keep your spirit strong. Find allies. Become invulnerable! I know that sounds hard, but it’s what we all need to do. Remember, you come from a long line of survivors, who survived worse than this. We all have.
Coaching can help you distinguish between two types of people:
1. Those whose opinions you think about, but still don’t follow blindly.
2. Those whose opinions you keep far away because they’re jerks.
Then you don’t take the jerks personally, while you figure out how to deal with them – like you already have. Never take jerks to heart. Keep them away.
In “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” you’ll find examples of people who learned how to hold their own opinions against the opinions of jerks. For example, Brandi, Lucy and Helen. Also, in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” you’ll learn how Grace learned to hold her ground against the opinions of a bullying husband.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 4th, 2012 at 6:18 pm
[...] time, prevent industrious co-workers from meeting their deadlines and increase frustration and tension in the office. They’re negative, control-freaks. Because of these saboteurs, many coworkers dread coming to [...]