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Stop a 4-Year Old Bully
By Ben | November 24, 2009
A New York Times blog post by Lisa Belkin, “A Bully at Age 4?” raises the question, “How young is too young to be a bully?”
A comment from a parent described a big 4-year old child hitting other 4-year old kids at school, not allowing other kids to play if he didn’t feel like it, biting another kid so severely through a thick jumper that bad marks were left, and punching another child in front of a teacher. The teacher asked the bully to apologize but the bully refused. The teacher did nothing further.
The parent wanted to know if the 4-year old was old enough to intend to hurt his victims and if he was a “bully?” Since the school wasn’t taking this seriously, the parent wondered if she was overreacting or if she should do something to protect her child?
In trying to define bullying and in thinking she shouldn’t act if the aggressor hadn’t intended to hurt his targets, I think the parent is taking the wrong approach.
Instead, she should begin by asking what she wants for her child. Do you want your child hit, bitten, cut out of games, punched? Don’t intellectualize about it. Don’t give excuses for the bully (For example: “He’s too young to understand the pain he’s causing”).
If you want your child repeatedly abused, if you want to leave your child in the hands of teachers and administrators who won’t protect your child when he’s harassed or attacked by someone bigger turn your back and leave your child to the predators.
On the other hand, if you don’t want your child brutalized, maybe a little outrage would serve you well. Would you allow your children to do that to each other? If you want your child to be treated with civility and kindness, then you must act with courage and strength. Don’t wait to act until you’re absolutely positive that a kid’s behavior has risen into some mental category you can label “bully.”
If your child is too small to fight back, you have to protect him. Get the parents of other targeted kids to go en masse to the school principal and teachers. Hold them accountable to stop bullies like that abusive 4-year old. Apologies are never enough, but there are many options for meaningful and effective consequences: He can be given an all-day time out, he can be socialized while he’s kept away from his targets, his parents can be held accountable for his behavior, and he can probably be kicked out of school if he won’t change his behavior.
If the school administrators are reluctant to protect the children in their care, you might explain what a little publicity can do. For example; would they like a national story on their school, “School Condones Bullying Despite Parents’ Protest”? Or simply move your child to a different school in which the responsible adults care about his emotional health and physical safety.
As an aside, in my experience, 4-year olds know if they can get what they want by brutalizing or abusing another kid. If their bullying isn’t stopped when they’re children, they’ll grow up to be adult bullies; in love and at work. But intention to hurt is not the issue. You can stop the bullying even before a child understands all the ramifications of that behavior. The child’s understanding of the consequences that will happen to him can be enough to stop the behavior.
Also of course, your 4-year old is finding out whether he can count on you to keep him safe and healthy or if you won’t protect him. If you justify or excuse the bully’s actions, you’ll be ruining your child’s self-confidence and self-esteem. All your life, you’ll live with the consequences of your actions and his decision about you.
Topics: Bullies at School, Coaching, Consulting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Stop Bullies Book, parenting |
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Useful if one is dealing with a bully in a school context. What does one do when the 4 year old in question is not in a school setting, is being observed by the parents, and the parents treat it as normal play?
We have a local child who is hyperaggressive, an extreme bully, and has a very strong negative reaction to any authority figure who attempts to tell her to behave. She grabs other children’s toys and hits those children with their own toys. She’s called me a female dog (and not with those words either) when I’ve told her to stop, she’s followed my children around trying to hit them, trying to provoke them to hit, and screaming profane insults at them. While, I might add, her caregiver is watching. “Oh, they’re just being kids.” And he won’t do a THING to stop it.
When do I call CPS if the parents won’t do anything to stop their child from being a bully?
December 4th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Hi SithRose,
Yes you have a big problem if parents don’t get it and there’s no supervising authority. That caregiver is on his way to raising a spoiled brat (for examples, see
1. How to Raise a Bullying Teenager: Don’t Stop Their Temper Tantrums
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/09/16/how-to-raise-a-bullying-teenager-dont-stop-their-temper-tantrums/
2. 10 Best ways to raise spoiled brats
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/01/27/10-best-ways-to-raise-spoiled-brats/
He’ll pay later when she starts bullying him - picture her as a rotten teenager. But that doesn’t help you now.
Possibilities:
1. When you say “caregiver” do you mean Nanny? If so, you should record the behavior (cell phone, video cam) and try talking to the parent. But, if the caregiver is the parent, that won’t get you anywhere.
2. Record anyway. You’ll probably have to keep removing your child from such settings. As calmly as possible, tell him why. “You don’t think that’s normal play and you don’t want your child harmed by a bully who’s encouraged by her parents.”
3. Get the other parents together to record also.
4. I wonder how he’d react if an older sibling of one of the targets beat up his 4-year old. And the bigger kid’s parent said, “Oh, they’re just being kids.” Yes, I am encouraging physical violence. It’s often the most effective tactic.
5. I’d be surprised if CPS will do anything - even with multiple videos, but give it a shot immediately.
Too bad you can’t get one of the “Sith Lords” to handle it.
Please let me know how it goes.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Caregiver in this case means “ex-husband of the mother”, and the mother hasn’t been seen on the playground…ever. I don’t have to imagine her as a spoiled brat of a teenager - They’ve got an 11 year old. Who is not quite as actively violent, but is nearly as bad otherwise.
Unsurprisingly, she picks the kids who are easily provoked or who don’t have older siblings that are big enough to be a threat to her. For example, at least two of the kids she’s picking on most have moderate speech delays, ADHD, and possible autism spectrum disorders. (Those would be mine.) And are, again unsurprisingly, small for their size. And if she gets hit by another kid, her world has ended and she runs wailing to Token Adult.
On the other hand, the playground this is happening in is our apartment complex’s playground. So I’ve already submitted a detailed letter to management informing them of this family’s little bully and their refusal to do anything about it. Including a clear statement that I consider this kid to be a direct threat to my children’s safety - It’s escalated to her actively trying to push mine off playground equipment.
Now, if the spoiled brat of a big sister loses her temper and slugs *me* for telling her sister to stop hitting…I’ll actually be quite pleased. While the police might not take a 4 year old hitting seriously, they’ll take an 11 year old hitting an adult much more so.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Thanks for those details SithRose,
Yes, predators learn from birth to identify the weaker prey and which boundaries they can cross with impunity and which authorities won’t use their authority.
Keep leaning on the apartment complex’s authorities. Get a lawyer. Let the authorities know they’re going to be on the hook for damages if they don’t respond effectively.
Video evidence will probably be the key: No longer your word against theirs.
Maybe the parents need to know what they can be on the hook for.
Stay strong and persistent. Hire a 13 year-old enforcer!
Best wishes,
Ben
December 7th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
What can you do about the family bully who calls off the Secret Santa Gift exchange? The bully insists that Christmas is Dead…and “prays for Peace in the Middle East”…
December 8th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Hi,
Common problem – family Grinches who throw their unhappiness around.
We never argue with them. We simply ignore them. They don’t participate in the Secret Santa exchange. We have it around them. If they want to go outside and mutter or walk home, they’re welcome to enjoy their misery.
I sometimes say, “Hope you’re enjoying being unhappy.” But then, I’m a nasty person.
Have fun,
Ben
December 20th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Bullies at work (again) A certain assistant manager was barely an inch from my face as he said, “Good Morning” I used the Open Door procedure to speak to the Store Manager. He dismissed me, “How can ‘good morning” be hostile??” Body Language does not agree with words.
I went to the second step, the person above him. The Store Manager interviewed the Assistant Manager at another time. His response, “I don’t remember that.” (Is there a school for dumb excuses? Why do you hear that on Steve Wilkos Show so often??)
I guess that is all I can expect from battling Goliath, but I hope that now they know that I am someone to contend with.
This is the second time that I came to the Store Manager regarding the Hostile Environment, and have yet to receive an apology.
I lived 30 years in and out of an abusive situation. I guess one thing that I have learned is to speak quietly but to be persistent.
After living with him, these other Twits don’t seem like much to bother with.
December 26th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Hi Anonymous,
I’ll be straightforward: Right now you’re someone to bully in sneaky manipulative ways.
Notice the pattern in your life. Persistence and words haven’t changed your husband in 30 years. It won’t change your managers. Only real consequences matter.
You’re not someone to contend with until you get a lawyer who’ll instruct you about necessary documentation and you file a winnable lawsuit about a hostile environment.
Consequences count.
See the CD set “How to Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” complete with workbook.
Best wishes,
Ben