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What You Owe Toxic Parents
By Ben | November 4, 2009
A lot of feedback about stopping bullying by toxic parents focused on what children owe those abusive parents. After all, even though they harassed, abused and tormented their children, those parents still fed, clothed and housed them.
Many of those parents now claim that a debt is owed them. No matter how bad they were and still are, they claim their children owe them care, sympathy and loyalty. And usually willingness to be continually abused.
I disagree.
To illustrate my point of view, here’s a story told to me repeatedly by my father. He said it was a traditional story. I call it “The Mother and the Three Baby Birds.” It appeared in a wonderful collection of stories annotated Steve Andreas, published by Real People Press, “Is there life after birth?”
~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time of the great flood, when the storm had just begun and the earth was beginning to be covered with water, a mother bird saw the danger. She realized that her three babies were no longer safe in their nest at the top of a high tree. Even if she remained with them, they would be swept away and drowned. So she picked up the first baby and started to fly through the storm, across the rising water, seeking a new place that would be high enough, so she might save at least one of her children.
As she flew, she spoke to the first baby, asking, “When I am very old and I can no longer take care of myself, will you dedicate your whole life to taking care of me, just as I am using all my energy and strength to take care of you now?”
And the first baby turned to her and said, “No. When your day has passed, when you can no longer take care of yourself, then I will not dedicate my whole life to taking care of you. I will dedicate all my energy and strength to taking care of myself.”
The mother bird said, “No! This is not the baby to save.” And so she let go of the first baby and it fell, helplessly flailing its tiny wings, down into the raging waves.
Tired and wet, the mother bird turned and flew back to the nest, which she hoped would still be above the rising waters.
She found the nest and picked up the second baby bird. Weary and wet, she struggled to fly higher, through the beating rain, against the driving wind. Seeking a new place that would be high enough, so she might save at least one of her children.
And as she struggled, she spoke to the second baby, asking, “When I am very old and I can no longer take care of myself, will you dedicate your whole life to taking care of me, just as I am using all my energy and strength to take care of you now?”
And the second baby turned to her and said, “Yes. When you have used all your energy and strength, when you are too exhausted to go further, I will dedicate my whole life to taking care of you.”
And the mother bird said, “No! This also is not the baby to save.” And so she let go of the second baby and it fell, helplessly flailing its tiny wings, down into the raging waves.
Almost exhausted now, bedraggled, beaten by the driving rain and raging wind, summoning all her remaining strength, the mother bird turned and flew back to the nest, which she hoped would still be above the rising waters.
She found the nest and, just as the raging waves washed it away, she picked up the third baby bird. With barely enough strength to rise above the foam and spray, to move forward against the driving wind, she struggled bravely on. Desperately seeking a new place that would be high enough, so she might save at least one of her children.
And as she struggled, with her voice and body failing, she spoke to the third baby, asking, “When I am very old and I can no longer take care of myself, will you dedicate your whole life to taking care of me, just as I am using all my energy and strength to take care of you now?”
And the third baby turned to her and said, “No. When you have used all your energy and strength, when you are too exhausted to go further, I will not dedicate my whole life to taking care of you. But instead, I will dedicate all my strength and energy to taking care of my children, just as you are taking care of me now.”
And the mother bird said, “Yes! This is the baby to save.” And with renewed hope and renewed strength, she steadily flew higher and faster and further. Despite the beating rain, despite the driving wind, despite the raging waves. She flew steadily. And she did find a new place that was high enough to save the child who must be saved.
~~~~~~~~~~
Even though the mother bird was not a bully, the same lessons apply. Don’t let a sense of obligation and duty lead you to allow yourself to be harassed and brutalized by toxic parents; don’t be stopped if they say you shouldn’t be better than they are; don’t seek approval from bullies; don’t listen when they say that you owe them whatever they want; don’t be depressed by their negativity; don’t let them destroy your self esteem; and don’t devote your life only to your own selfish pleasures.
Instead, take care of yourself so you can devote yourself to something greater and longer-lasting. Devote yourself to the children of your body, heart, mind and spirit. That’s what you owe your ancestors, no matter what other claims they may press on you.
What’s important are the responsibilities you take up joyously, not the onerous ones claimed by toxic parents.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 22 Comments »
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
had a tire blow out on the highway last week while i was driving my mother’s car. it’s a wonder i didn’t get killed as i lost complete control of the car and flew into the other lane uncontrollably. when i called my family to tell them about it, they got mad. after waiting an hour and forty five minutes, a tow truck finally came. but my mother and brother told me that i had to find my own way home. i could have easily been killed and they did not care. after 39 years of my family’s abuse, i decided i had had enough. my grandmother and uncle were also a very toxic combination. this toxicity seems to run in the family.
however, my mother is not in great physical condition. she just had a hip replacement. coupled with a bad knee, and a broken arm, it’s been a rough few months. i stepped in to help take care of her after another family broohaha and yet this was how i got treated. so i did some searching online about toxic parents and toxic families and read this article: Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents
i come from a christian background where we are taught to ‘honor our father and mother’. a scripture my mother often spews at me. she got divorced when we were young and financially had a very difficult time. she made a lot of sacrifices to keep our family fed and to raise us. yet another reason why i always felt obligated. but the sad thing is, she really doesn’t realize how she acts until i have to get angry and tell her. her self righteousness coupled with my brother’s arrogance are a bad combination. she has spent much time tearing me down and spreading lies and rumors about me that were far from the truth.
after this tire incident, i informed her i would not be spending xmas with her and my brother. i also told her to feel free to return my presents, i sent this article to her. i now no longer feel obligated to her in any way. it’s amazingly freeing. maybe now i can finally conquer my bipolar depression since they won’t be in my lives to constantly gang up on me, tear me down, blame me for evertything, and spread sick and twisted lies. i so found myself when the article mentioned people who beat themselves up even when others aren’t around to do it. i always told myself i’m worthless and must be a horrible person. now i know for certain that it’s NOT ME, it’s THEM!!!! ben, thanks for the article. it was truly a god send!!!
December 26th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Hi Angelica,
Good for you. And thank you for sharing your awakening. I get many coaching calls from Christian women wanting help to break away from those old rules that are used by family bullies to control them.
We each face the choice between creating our own lives or submitting to the “authority” that toxic parents claim. And they always have reasons to justify bullying us or to pull our heartstrings.
Only when we make up our own minds do we become truly mature and independent. An example of this is my blog post, “Getting over parents who wound their children,” at http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35
If you volunteer to be a martyr and serve your parents, do it with complete knowledge that they’ll never be grateful enough to change their behavior. They’ll never treat you with more respect, caring or appreciation. They’ll continue to manipulate using blame, guilt and shame.
See the case studies of Carrie, Kathy, Doug and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” Especially Carrie, whose mother used her past sacrifices to try to control her.
You’ve probably seen the companion post, “Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents,” at http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/stop-bullies-especially-toxic-parents/.
Now go create a family of your heart and spirit!
Best wishes,
Ben
February 16th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
[...] Imagine also that you used to think that if you told them, in just the right way and at the right time, how hurtful their treatment was and is, they’d stop. Or that you used to think your job was to rise above that treatment because they’re your parents, they’re getting old, they’re suffering, they deserve a little peace and happiness, and you owe them. [...]
February 17th, 2010 at 10:12 am
Thanks for your true words. I’ve been planning it for years and I’m close to cutting all ties forever with all of my family, except one, whom I’ll rescue with me. The rest are possessed by something dark and ugly.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:23 am
I’ve been keeping a journal for years of the “events” and think I’ll leave it to them. I considered sending it to everyone whom they’ve lied to, but thought that it’s not my business to mess up their miserable fake relationships. That’s the last they’ll ever hear from me. I’m wondering should I use bad language in it or not. I’ve never used any, never responded aggressively, so it might be a shock, a deserved one. The first and final thunder. But that’s not me really, though I feel sickened and angered by the stuff I’ve had to go through without the slightest reason. But they wouldn’t get it. They never did and never will.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Hi Bob,
I’m no one for shoving things in the faces of those who don’t care, but I may be misreading your situation. If it’s not you, you have to decide whether to keep being you or if thunder will stimulate a new you that you want to be.
Anyway, good for you to get away. The further the better – 1,000 miles, 2, 5, 10,000.
The way you know that you’re really over them is that you don’t let them occupy any space in your brain and you hardly ever think about them. Throw yourself into your new life so passionately and make it so fulfilling that you don’t waste the time and calories thinking about them. Or doing a mental debate with them.
I’ve coached many people where getting there is the true test of their new life. Check out my blog posts:
You can care too much about winning your parents’ approval
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/28/you-can-care-too-much-about-winning-your-parents%e2%80%99-approval/
Getting over parents who wound their children
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35
Best wishes,
Ben
February 21st, 2010 at 10:29 am
What’s remarkable is that you’re saying it exactly like it is. It seems that like me finally, you’re utterly disillusioned. You see people for what they are. The tricks and games people play don’t work any longer.
The situation is – or was – ridiculous. I’m way more accomplished than any of my parents or siblings and only one of them recognizes that fact. They’re either blind or jealous, but whatever it is, there has to be some kind of darkness in them, nothing else explains it.
I’ve never deserved any of it. I’ve been the timid, quiet, nice person who never says no and never complains. And I realize now, that’s one of the reasons why I’ve been bullied. I was easy prey. Except for the one, my siblings are allied against me with the parents. I’ve never heard one good thing said about myself. Not one compliment. Not one recognition of a job well done. But boy have I heard from them when I’ve failed. The strongest I’ve replied is “please leave me alone” which just made them raise their voices. I’ve been constantly belittled and there’s always the expectation, as if it’s the most self-evident thing in the world, that I don’t deserve to accomplish or gain anything in life; no career, no wealth, no relationships, no love – no life. And for some time I began to believe it myself. But now it’s over. They had their chance and they made the worst of it. The good people of the world need guys like you helping them stand up against the bad ones. Thank you for your important work.
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:52 am
Hi Bob,
I’m glad you now see the approaches that don’t stop real bullies. There’s a list of the top 7 in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Also glad you’re getting away. Of course, good tactics will depend on your situation: are your 16 or 26? Do you have a job or prospects 2,000 miles away?
Forget about deserve. The world doesn’t work on deserve. Go out and create the life you want. Put your heart, soul and effort into that. Don’t look back.
Become an “invulnerable” so that in a while you’re so busy doing what you love that you don’t have time to think about them.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:30 pm
I had polio at age 8. My mother spent most of my life running me down and telling me that I was lazy because I could not keep her house cleaned to perfection because of my disability. She tried to take my daughter away from me on the grounds that I “owed” her a child. In my forties, she beat me with a broomstick. I took it away from her and broke it in half. Three months later I had moved from the west coast to the east coast and never spoke to her again. My daughter is much happier not having to deal with her grandmother.
March 5th, 2010 at 11:48 am
Hi Janrae,
Great for you!!!!
Sometimes you need a whole continent of distance to begin to heal and breath deeply again. Then you can develop the mental, emotional and spiritual distance you need.
Find people on the east coast who will appreciate and respect you. And have your best interests at heart … as you see your best interests.
Carrie, Doug and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” had to get away from their toxic moms. Ralph had to get away from a controlling, stealth-bullying dad.
Same principle.
Oh, be prepared for your mother to try to come back into your life – whining, manipulating and then using force (maybe legal force). Don’t get sucked in and don’t give an inch.
Good luck,
Ben
March 15th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
[...] ruthless enemy who won’t compromise or negotiate in good faith. Fight to get what’s yours. Then turn your back and walk away. She wants to trap your energy for the rest of your life; either pleasing her or fighting her; it [...]
March 23rd, 2010 at 10:03 am
this story explains my life perfectly. My mother is a horrible woman, and she becomes maliciously mean each time I give birth. Cutting me down, always saying what a horrible mother I am, etc.. Now I understand she is just projecting, but its very devaluing, abusive just the same. Finally, I decided that in order to take care of myself and my family, we need to stay away from her, because all she spews out is poison. I am a better person, mother, because I am no longer in contact with her, and I am more confident and more sure of myself as a person. Toward the end, I just ignored all her stupid comments, and our conversations were just mindless bantering sessions of her just trying to push my buttons. But toward the end, when she started to verbally abuse my daughter, (referring to her as racial slurs, etc.. ) I decided that it was best that we have not contact. You story paints the picture perfectly. We have no obligation to anyone but our children. Our parents clothed and fed us, because that is what they are supposed to do. If they did not want to do it, then , they should not have had children.
March 24th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Hi Survivor23,
Good for you!
Stay away from her. It’s the only way you’ll be able to make a great life for yourself and your family. Your number one job is to protect yourself and your family, especially the children, from predators.
When parents try to devour their young, they lose their claim for any return of connection. Love her from afar (2-3,000 miles is a good number
) … or don’t think about her.
I hope your message encourages many other adult children-moms to do the same. Someday, your children will look at you as a model for themselves.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 30th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
[...] order to end the external war, she moved far away from her birth family and cut off contact. She started a new life. She knew she’d have to bear unbearable loneliness until she made [...]
May 15th, 2010 at 12:29 am
I’m grateful for this blog,my family was toxic and now I have my boyfreinds family of toxic to the core!!!! mom and sisters and it gets very difficult for me to deal with. I recently settled a lawsuit and they all belive that I’m rich and I owe them money it has truly been a nightmare experience especially since I’ve never talked with any of them about it at all and my boyfreind never even asked me about my settlement. thanks for the support
May 15th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Hi Eden,
Sounds like your courage, strength and spirit keep getting tested.
I’d test your boyfriend. Will he tell them to back off? Will he lay down boundaries? This may be a one-time thing, but greed usually rears its ugly head for life.
If they continue acting the way they are then he must choose you instead of their behavior or else he doesn’t deserve to be on your island. Isn’t there something about our leaving our families and cleaving to our spouses and the families we create?
Have him check out the case study of Ralph in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Good luck,
Ben
June 16th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
Hi Ben:
How would you deal with this situation. It’s a long one.
I’m 41. Oldest of two girls. Sister passed two years ago.
Father is a control freak and manipulator. 80 now but always has been since I was little. Mother 78 complacent and goes along with whatever he says doenst want to offend. Never let her work drive. Doenst want her to have a phone or talk to her own sisters. he tells her phones are trouble and has tricked her into believing this. She has no life outside of him and cant even go out with me alone. Neither have worked since I was born. Dad claims he is disabled…Mom just doenst work. Grew up in a 1 bedroom apt. No health or dental insurance. Never once did they think to help their children grow up. They are very entitled individuals. Didnt want me to work until I was 18 in fear they wouldnt get their diability check. My sister gets strep throat at 4 goes straigth to the kidneys and poof she is a dialysis patient. Because we didnt have insurance and go to the doctor unless it was necessary. As if this isnt bad enough. He talks her out of a transplant by telling her Jesus will protect her. The family is saved. My mother goes along with whatever he says. No transplant and after 21 years on dialysis she is dead. I blame him. For starters. Then he didnt want anyone to come to her funeral which my sister went to everyones always and wanted a funeral. i told him off and we had one anyway. My parents threatened to sue my sisters father in law to pay for the funeral. no law out there saying that is legal. My sister and common law husband very poor because of how sick she was. My parents told me long along even thought none of them have a will or believe in life insurance there was enough for three funerals. YET YET they claim they only had
$2,000 for my sister and didnt even want to give for that. So there was a collection taken from me, her father in law, my work, relatives and a frienf of the family who in a wheelchair…to pay for her funeral. Then I find out almost a year later they had $75,000 and took this money from all these people. My sister had brain surgery and walk bald and they argue about paying for a $35 wig. They didnt pay for flowers for her nor her headstone. This ate at me for so long. It took 10 months to tell my husband because of shame. I am still upset from 2008 over this. To make matters worse my sister’s father in law has paid for a cell for them because the control freak wont fix the one they have and been paying for. He’s paid for them for 2 1/2yrs. I would have cut them off. My parents didnt give him a dime. Then when the phone stopped working and they went to fix theirs. He wanted the phone back which he is entitled to he paid for it. My mother said it’s her because my sister gave it to her as a gift even though it was paid for. She constantly says how mean Dawn’s laws are to her and I said I’d be to the way you took advantage of them. They have no idea nor anyone else they all were scammed. My parents are very entitled people. EVERYTHING IS FREE and if you question them or try to set them straight you are rotten and evil.
I on the other hand have put myself through school, worked since I was 17, owned 3 homes and investments. Go to church and I try. My parents always through God and death in my face when I get upset. The other day was the last straw, they want me to pay for the phone bill they owe Harry’s father for. So I sent them Christmas money they gave me and I never used right back. Asking for them not to ever give me a thing. It was ok I paid for a chunk of the funeral and the stone when they have $75,000. I am fuming and walk out of this relationship. It is to the point even friends that have known them and said before it’s unrealistic to walk away have now said to. i am so sorry this is long but I needed to get this out. What do you recommend I do. I am so beside myself. For people who dont want a phone they keep me on well over an hour. They think they are perfect. God chose them. I dont think so. I got the real picture of them when Dawn died however this craziness has gone on since I was small and has gotten worse. My poor sister use to tell me they drove her nuts and i told her not to answer the phone. She felt indebted to them because they watched her son while she had dialysis.
I cant take much of them and have turned the phone off the last few days. I just dont want to hear their voices.
Thanks
Dayna
June 18th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Hi Dayna,
I see two possible paths:
1. You decide that they’re so old you’ll let them use and abuse you, and take everything you and your husband have worked for until they die.
2. You cut off all contact. You get caller ID and don’t answer the phone. You move as far away as you can. You let them live in the pit that they created for themselves. You ignore what people might say behind your back about how cruel you are. You vote anyone who criticizes you off your island. You start living a wonderful, happy, full, joyous life with your husband and kids if you have them.
I don’t see a middle ground because they won’t allow you any.
Buy “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” from this web site.
Get an expert coach to keep you strong, brave and determined, and to make an effective plan.
Would you let vampires suck all your blood?
Your call!
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2011 at 6:58 am
Hi
Just wanted to write after reading your toxic parents blog today. I searched for it after receiving the attached from my mother on my birthday. I am 48 yrs old, I have 2 children under 10 and I’m a single parent. I’m also a student nurse. My mother, a widow expects me to wait on her hand foot and finger and believes I am not a worthy daughter because I won’t (can’t)
The mental abuse I’ve received from her is too much to go into here but reading your article has made me feel so much better and I want to thank you.
April 19th, 2011 at 7:05 am
oops sorry, I should add the attached was an A4 sheet with a scanned article about ‘isolated elderly’ I withdrew from my mother after she physically assaulted me again in January because I had the audacity to invite a friend to my house for New Years drinks and hadn’t invited her. (she doesn’t drink) I am not accepting that from any one and I am certainly not going to allow my children to witness it. In all her 69 years I have never, ever heard her say sorry. Nothing is ever her fault. I have had all the emotional blackmail “I’ve been good to you” etc… Umm no you haven’t mum. Maybe now she will realise respect is a two-way thing.
April 19th, 2011 at 8:40 am
Hi Julie,
Thanks for sharing your situation. Unfortunately it’s all too common.
Being an adult means that you’re in charge of the behavior you’ll allow in your space. If someone won’t behave nicely to you or your children, get them out of the space. If someone is a selfish, manipulative, narcissistic, passive-aggressive emotional blackmailer, vote them off your island. It’s really clear and simple even though it may be difficult at first.
Many people hesitate to do that with parents because they think they have to tolerate whatever parents do. Your choice about the life you want to lead. And you get to live with the consequences.
For example, see the case studies of Carrie, Jake, Doug and Ralph dealing with their respective parents in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
You may need individual coaching to design a plan that’s firm enough and fits your comfort zone. Many people get what they need by coaching on Skype.
When you develop the strength and courage, you can act the way you need to. When you’re persevering and relentless there’s a good chance she’ll change. And if not, you’ll have a clear space in your world for someone nicer to come into.
Your children need to see your good example.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 8th, 2012 at 3:13 pm
[...] of us? Who cares what jerks and sociopaths think – just stop them from abusing and harming us? We don’t owe toxic parents or relatives anything, even if they fed us when we were children. Good behavior is the price for [...]