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Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents
By Ben | November 4, 2009
Toxic parents can make your life miserable, especially if you’re still trying to win their approval or if you think you must see them during the holidays.
Most people can call it quits with bullying lovers, end false friendships and divorce abusive spouses. But stopping bullying by toxic parents seems more difficult. And it’s even harder if there were one or two loving moments or you think you owe them for feeding you.
Too many therapists won’t show their shock and dismay at the abuse and will encourage adult children to keep interacting with toxic parents in the name of something called “family.” See, for example, the article by Dr. Richard Friedman in the New York Times.
I disagree.
I’ve seen adult children put up with continual criticism, hostility and anger; even being told by parents that they wish the child had never been born or would die. Some parents still remind their adult children that they’re never good enough and that they’ll be failures forever. Some parents make it clear that the other siblings are better in every way and more deserving of love. Often, the sarcasm, criticism, harassment and hostility are public, as if there’s a real intention to cause embarrassment and emotional pain.
Even worse for these abused adults is the thought that they’ll have to take care of those rotten parents when they get old and dementia makes them even worse.
Yet many adults accept the negativity, abuse and verbal torture. They endure the stress, discouragement, low self-esteem and depression that usually accompany repeated brutality. Some even internalize those hostile voices and beat themselves even when their parents aren’t present.
I think that a key sign of becoming an independent adult is deciding what criteria you’ll use for who you allow on your island. If you believe that family of birth is crucial because that’s the way you were raised or because you think that will get you a star in your crown in heaven or because you think family will be the only ones to take care of you when you need, then you’ve given up control of your island. You’ve decided to allow your island to be polluted by endless abuse and your spirit to be crushed if someone wants to.
On the other hand, suppose you decide to create an island that supports your emotional and spiritual life. Now you’re in charge of your life. Now you can demand good behavior before anyone gets on your island. Now you’ve created space to find the right people to populate your island. Now you’re a truly independent adult.
Now your tactics with your bullying parents are straightforward. You tell them, as sweetly and firmly as you can, how they must behave and what they may not do if they want to see or hear from you. You follow through with the natural consequences of leaving abusive situations, hanging up the phone, or not walking into the valley of punishment during the holidays. Your toxic parents have free will and choice.
Notice, I haven’t said anything about long-term, in depth psychoanalysis of toxic parents. That’s a secondary consideration. Since these bullies typically think they’re right and don’t need to change, they don’t examine themselves or they stay in therapy forever instead of changing. It’s not about whether they love you; it’s about how they love you.
You can see how these tactics are effective with parents in the cases of Carrie, Doug, Jake and Ralph in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Usually, I see more change stimulated when children stand up effectively to abusive parents. That may start the toxic parents on a path toward acting more loving.
I’ve seen many parents, when confronted by not seeing their children or grandchildren or when they know that their abused children are enjoying life without them, finally change how they treat their children.
Of course, sometimes toxic parents don’t change. But that’s not the goal of standing up to them. The goal is having an island that’s not polluted by toxic people, but instead is a paradise for your heart and spirit.
As to the fears that you’ll go through life alone and unloved; that’s nonsense. People with wonderful islands attract other people who want to be with them, who make their hearts and spirits sing. And you’ll have more money because you won’t be wasting it on therapy. And you’ll be setting a wonderful example for your children.
If you want the love and approval of older people, accept that you won’t get that from toxic birth parents. Go get it from people who have the good taste to caress your spirit, not to abuse it.
You can also remove toxic siblings, relatives and supposed friends from your island if they don’t change. In “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” you’ll see how Tammy and Kathy use these techniques with Toxic siblings and false friends.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 26 Comments »
November 4th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
[...] Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents [...]
December 28th, 2009 at 7:58 am
[...] Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents [...]
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 am
[...] are toxic people in every environment – toxic family, toxic friends, toxic lovers and toxic coworkers. If you don’t recognize and respond [...]
February 16th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
[...] Harassment, bullying and verbal, physical and sexual abuse is usually multi-generational. Families help perpetuate the abusive behavior by keeping secrets and telling lies. If you give them a chance, your parents will likely do to your children what they did to you. The old wounds still throb even if your parents are nice sometimes. They still bleed when your parents repeat the same old treatment even now. [...]
April 27th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
[...] are toxic people in every environment – toxic lovers, husbands, wives, parents, children, relatives, bosses and coworkers. Many people let bullying friends continue abusing [...]
June 21st, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Please understand this behaviour goes both ways. Adult children make continuous poor decisiona and then try to force the parent into bailing them out several times. Even threatening to not let you see your future grandchildren if you do not.
Extortion is no fun either. You can be supportive without agreeing to fix their issues. I believe that it is far more common for an adult child to bully their parents then the other way around, and if you heard both sides of the story you might find their are a lot of falsehoods being told.
The parents can be used to garner sympathy, even when the parent are being supportive listening and trying to be a friend. I refuse to be yelled at pushed, shoved or have my hair pulled. Please write a story from the opposite view point. That would be an interesting read. Just because a child reaches the age of 18 it does not meen that they are ready to accept responsibilty. They rightfully want to make their own decisions and drop you with the dire consquences of their decisions, using heavy guilt and trying to publicly humiliate you into doing their bidding. That is hell, because a child can walk away from a parent and know that parent will be okay, when you have an emotionally immature adult child then you worry about them, and any life they bring into the world. That is much more complicated issue. You can’t really cut off your children.
I was actually looking for help on this issue when I came across this. If you don’t have a child that does this to you, then you can never understand how emotionally taxing, heartbreaking, and awful it can be.
June 22nd, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Thank you A.,
You’re absolutely right.
I told one side of the tale. The other side, toxic adult children who use and abuse their parents, is horrible.
That will be the next post. But you’ve got the information and the pain the hard way. Sorry.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 1st, 2010 at 10:04 am
[...] Stopping bullying by toxic parents and grandparents is only one side of the coin. The other side is to stop bullying of parents by adult children who are toxic users and abusers. [...]
January 20th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
[...] “Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything.” [...]
May 28th, 2011 at 5:13 pm
ok so how do you realize your a bully and if your child is a failing student`defiant` and none compliant to rules anad regulations you as a parent put in place to keep them safe time and time again ?
June 1st, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Hi Pat,
Those are hard questions to answer with generalizations.
Through phone coaching I’ve helped lots of people in the same situation maintain or increase their determination, strength, perseverance and skill. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. Please call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543)
Best wishes,
Ben
June 20th, 2011 at 1:11 am
What if one of your parents has borderline personality disorder? Every time a child finds a new island, that parent destroys it.
June 21st, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Hi A,
If you’re the child hang in. Don’t believe anything they say. Endure——-like adamantine. Be “invulnerable” and prepare for the future when you can become financially and physically independent, and move thousands of miles away. Then make your own life and never look back. You owe them nothing! Thousands have and you can too.
Read:
“Are You Defeated by Defeat?”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/01/are-you-defeated-by-defeat/
Maturation: Overcome Fear of Bullying Parents
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/22/maturation-overcome-fear-of-bullying-parents/
Getting over parents who wound their children
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/
Never be defeated!!!!!!
Best wishes,
Ben
June 22nd, 2011 at 10:59 am
I respect the fact that you are helping to bring awareness to parents about the dangers of bullying. I currently blog for blogaboutbullies.com and have been trying to educate parents about certain programs that are available to help protect children in the cyber world. Personally I use a free service called Mousemail, but there are many that parents that are not techonologically savvy. Blogs like yours will help spread awareness to a threat that many parent are unaware of.
June 29th, 2011 at 8:05 am
My husband’s parents are bullies. They expect us to obey like minor children and not the adults that we are, and when we didn’t do their bidding, they got angry, spiteful and frankly, crazy!
June 30th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Hi Anna,
If you and your husband agree, you can make a plan and stick to it.
See the case studies of Carrie, Ralph and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
It’ll only get worse with time. Act now. Get a coach to keep up your strength, courage and perseverance and help you design a plan that fits your specific situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 2nd, 2011 at 12:00 pm
[...] Mr. Socks and I have made the choice to not speak with his family, cutting off pretty much all contact with them. It’s a sad, but necessary choice that we feared may happen before the wedding anyway. We need to heal from these wounds and concentrate on US for a while, I think. I’ve done a little reading on toxic parents and dealing with toxic relationships, and I think my favorite resource so far has been Bullies Be Gone Blog. [...]
October 9th, 2011 at 1:20 pm
[...] and spiritual well-being. We decide to interact with the bullies physically once in a while but we’ll protect ourselves. We’ll always have a way home that we [...]
October 23rd, 2011 at 3:26 pm
[...] Should we confront toxic parents? It depends on what we hope to gain from the interaction. [...]
November 21st, 2011 at 3:32 am
For a long time now, I’ve been trying to get my best friend to stand up to her mother and her abusive ways. Every single day my friend would call me and tell me what her mom has done or said to upset her. Her mom seems like she is addicted to belittling my friend. Calling her names. Telling her she’s a horrible mother just because my friend is trying to raise her daughter HER WAY and not her mothers way. She finally stood up for herself and I was in shock because I thought it would never happen. It took my friend 25 years to change things for the better, but at least its something so ill take it. Ironically she’s 25 years old. Lol. Point being that her mother has treated her horribly her entire life. My friend told me that the main reason she chose to confront her mother tonight is because I was there. She invited me over to hang out and to help her out with her 3 year old daughter because she is going to college and simply cannot do her school work with her daughter distracting her. I haven’t seen her in over ten years so I was happy to finally get to see her after all these years. So anyway, while we were hanging out, her mom just happened to call. Needless to say, I was friggin psyched because the timing was perfect. The only reason her mom called her was to talk shit about how pissed off she was all because my friend was not able to pick her mom up from her job. My friend was trying to finish her midterm for god sakes!!! My friend is the sweetest person I have ever met so I really don’t know exactly why her mom treats her with such disrespect. So tonight, my friend was brave enough to stand up for herself and say “ok mom, I understand that you are mad, but I have taken your abuse for far too long and it stops TODAY. I will no longer enable you to walk all over me because I’m tired of you always telling me I’m pathetic and that I’m a bad parent and that I’m worthless. Newsflash mom, your the pathetic one. You’re jealous because I’m doing something good with my life and you’re still stuck at a minimum wage job.” Hahaha. After she was done telling her mom to piss off, she thanked me for giving her the confidence to stand up to her mom. You go girl! Lol. I am still in shock. So I said “you’re very welcome. And see, its easier than you thought now isn’t it? Who cares if your mom gets mad, so effing what. What’s she gonna do, reach through the phone and strangle you?” After she was done, me and my friend had a good laugh about it. I hope her mom feels like an ass (not gonna happen, but I can dream can’t I?). I am so proud of my friend. Before I end my comment, I would just like to add that before any of this happened I told my friend that if she wasn’t gonna confront her mom herself, I was gonna do it for her. I was willing to risk our friendship. Haha. She obviously didn’t like that idea.
November 22nd, 2011 at 7:38 pm
I am a 40 year old mum with three amazing children, the youngest being 16. eight months ago she broke down and told me she couldn’t take the emotional abuse she was receiving from my brothers daughter. to cut this story short, my niece moved in with her father over three years ago. I reared her with my family by day. my niece started making comments to my daughter which I knew about but when I confronted my brother (on a number of occasions ) he turned a blind eye and she got away with it. because of this small comments grew into big ones, exclusion from friend and family gatherings, copying panic attacks etc.When she broke down I confronted my brother and other family members including my parents who were also excluding my daughter. the outcome …… I have been accused of inventing drama, telling lies, told I have mental issues etc. and that my daughter is making the story bigger than it is. WE have been excluded from family wedding photos. On my other daughters twenty first birthday party my parents went to see a boat show instead. I removed my daughter and myself from the problem and went about our daily routeen which was hard as my brother lives only a two minute walk from me and my parents live one and a half miles away.A also my daughter has to take the same bus to school as her cousin. a couple of days ago after a unrelated fight with her dad, my niece turned up at our front door and wanted to talk, she admitted all she had done and apologised to my daughter and me for all she did.her dad knows she was with me as I contacted him to let him know she was with me. I asked him to go away for an hour to let the girls talk. when he came back he refused to enter my home to talk. last but not least, today my dad passed by me (about twelve feet away) while looking straight ahead. we live in a tiny village and I was the only person on the street at the time. ( I was a teen mum, my dad never forgave me even though , up until this, I would spend a number of hours, four or five times a week visiting them and driving my mum shopping and to the doctor. he hates my husband ( a wonderful husband and father)and for a number of years my children didn’t know him because he didn’t want to know them or me. ) I don’t know how much more I can take. we are considering selling our home and moving away.
November 23rd, 2011 at 11:45 am
Hi Erin,
Glad you could help and good for your friend.
Next step for her, does she want to expose her daughter to a woman like that? Does she want to expose a young mother (her) to that treatment any more?
I hope not!!!!
See
Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/09/vote-selfish-narcissistic-insensitive-people-off-your-isle-of-song/
Stop Bullying: Support Good Behavior Instead of Bad Blood
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/08/28/stop-bullies-support-good-behavior-not-bad-blood/
Best wishes.
Ben
November 23rd, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Hi Ben, thanks for the reply. I’m assuming she does not want to expose herself and her daughter to that for the rest of her life, lol. I think my friend is starting to see the bigger picture.
Update: Elena (which is my friends name) chose NOT to try and contact her mother since that fiasco the other night. I asked her to wait until her mom tries to contact her because then that will show her mom that she is not weak. So last night, Elena’s mother ended up calling her to “apologize” (it wasn’t even a real apology!) and that she didn’t want to be kept from seeing her granddaughter. Gee, thanks for the empty apology MOM! Whatever, at least its something right? I wonder how long it will last for because her mom is notorious for twisting a bad situation she causes around and making the othe person feel like everything is all their fault. Doesn’t matter what its about. I just don’t want Elena thinking that any of what her mom does is her fault whatsoever. Its not Elenas fault. Its her mother. I guess the problem I’m having right now is that I don’t want my friends mom taking control of her again and I don’t know how to accomplish that seeing as how Elena is such a people pleaser. Any advice on that??? I mentioned to Elena that if her mom ends up pulling the same crap again, that she should considered refusing to let her mom see her daughter because in my eyes, if she allows her mother to keep seeing her daughter then its still considered enabling her mom to be a raging bitch. What do you think?
November 23rd, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Hi Ann
Thank you for sharing. I’m sure many people will recognize similarities to their own situations. And the huge pain they suffer.
First, for everyone reading about your situation, notice that when we don’t stop bullies, they become bolder and escalate.
Second, we should know that while a private apology is nice, it doesn’t count. Only a public apology counts because it sets the record straight in a way that everyone hears it together and know that they all know the truth. The niece needs to say it in public to her father, your parents and everyone else who she lied to and everyone else who thought badly of you and your daughter.
For you and your family, I’m so sorry you’ve endured so much at their hands. In these situations in a tiny village, I think the only way to create a bully-free space is to get far away – despite the difficulties. And turn your back of blood that’s treated you bad. Surround yourself with people who are good for your heart and spirit.
Even if your niece tells everyone, I expect them to find some other excuses to put you down and make your life miserable.
I can’t help thinking about what your daughter has endured. As long as you stayed in the village, she had no place for safety. The only way you can offer her safety is to offer her a safe place far away.
See:
Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/09/vote-selfish-narcissistic-insensitive-people-off-your-isle-of-song/
Stop Bullying: Support Good Behavior Instead of Bad Blood
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/08/28/stop-bullies-support-good-behavior-not-bad-blood/
Getting over parents who wound their children: the 2nd stage of growing up and leaving home
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/
And see the case studies of Carrie, Jean, Ralph, Doug and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 30th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
A year ago I realized my family uses me as the scapegoat. It took me 44 years to realize that. I lost my job, had to move back in with my toxic parents. It’s terrible. I could not find work, have no money, and now the toxic behavior is crippling.
I have really cleaned up my act in many areas of my life but the way my parents act gets worse and worse. Door slamming is a big one with them. They slam the doors so that the whole house shakes, and they act like it is not being done on purpose to rattle my already tramatized head…
My family is now like one big insidious character assignation against me. Everyone else is perfect and it is me who is the terrible worthless screw up. It is social abuse, and working wonders. I am totally isolated, depressed, scared, scarred, and it seems like everything I do is unsuccessful, and everyone I meet forms alliances against me.
My family loves social exclusion and blaming the victim, playing politics, finding alliances to manipulate and unite against me. And it works wonders. And there is no way of proving it. And it is mostly done because they are cowardous bullies who would not do this stuff if I had friends to act as witnesses.
Plus, they have turned the table around on me by telling everyone that I am a toxic adult child, because I stood up to them demanding to stop being a toxic parent. It’s spiraled out of control and seems completely out of my favor that I will be able to rebuild my life and escape this abusive living situation.
December 10th, 2011 at 8:03 am
Hi Carl,
Sorry this took so long.
Glad you realized what the deal is. Now play your cards well.
Stop debating and arguing; stop trying to prove anything. Even if you had witnesses you’d be wasting your time, energy and life in the argument. You’ll never win. Let what they say roll off your back and do the one thing that will save your future.
See the case studies of Jake, Doug and Ralph in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
See: What You Owe Toxic Parents
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/what-you-owe-toxic-parents/
Easy for me to say; maybe more difficult for you to do, but it’s worth your whole future. How many good years could you have?
Plan in secret and get away. No matter how poor you have to start, you can work your way up. Don’t look back. Put a thousand miles or more between you and them. No email, Facebook, phone, etc.
Get away. “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” (Rabindranath Tagore)
See:
Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/09/vote-selfish-narcissistic-insensitive-people-off-your-isle-of-song/
Best wishes,
Ben