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Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?
By Ben | October 4, 2009
One of the questions I’m most often asked is, “Why Do Bullies Keep Abusing Us?”
I hear that from:
- Kids who want to stop bullies and cvber bullies at school.
- Adults who want to stop bullying in their love lives or in relationships with their siblings, parents and friends.
- Adults who don’t understand why their teenagers are so demanding, nasty and surly.
- Adults who want to stop bullying at work by managers and co-workers.
That question is usually asked in the context of, “I’m a nice person; I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Why is that person so nasty to me?”
The apparent perplexity behind the question comes from the idea that we’re supposed to get what we put out, not only in interactions with those we love, who also love us, but also in interactions with everyone in the world. As if, if we’re nice we’re supposed to be treated nicely in return. These people forget that bullies have different agendas and methods.
The hidden fears behind the question are:
- “Maybe I have done something to deserve being harassed and abused; maybe it really is my fault.” Of course, people thinking this way are usually riddled by self-doubt and negative self-talk. Their hidden hope is, “If I knew what I’d done wrong, I could apologize, do what the bully wants, and then they’d treat me nicely.” Their hidden anger comes from deep knowledge, “I didn’t do anything wrong; how dare that bully treat me that way!”
- “If the world is so unfair, it’s out of my control.” Of course, people thinking this way are afraid that they’re not strong enough to thrive in a world that’s dangerous, unpredictable and uncontrollable. Their hidden hope is that they could control the world if only they learned the magic secrets. Their hidden anger comes from the sense that, “I didn’t ask for this kind of world; I’m entitled to something better and more rational.”
Before I answer “Why do bullies keep abusing us,” let’s understand what bullying is about in a way that helps us stop bullies in their tracks. Distinguish between two questions:
- Why do children try bullying tactics?
- Why do they keep bullying as they grow up?
The way I look at it, babies and children naturally take or demand what they want; they naturally try bullying tactics. That’s necessary for their survival – babies must make us feed and change them whether we want to or not. Children’s survival-level job is to figure out how to get us to give them what they want.
Impulses to bully come up all the time, in all of us. It feels good to be a strong and powerful and simply take what we want. Unless kids are taught how to feel good or how to get what they want by other methods, they’ll continue bullying.
Parents train children how to get what they want; which means how to bully, manipulate, harass or abuse people, or how to negotiate with us to give them what they want. We train them to keep using bullying tactics or to try other methods.
There are three general reasons why children grow up and continue using bullying techniques.
- Bullying is what they see – they see one or both parents bullying successfully or it’s the only tactic they know. Their parents and family don’t teach them not to bully and also don’t teach them better ways to get what they want.
- They keep bullying because bullying succeeds – well-meaning parents, principals and teachers don’t say “No” and they don’t stop the bullying. Sometimes, we may let bullies succeed while we’re negotiating with them or because we’re too tired and worn down to be strong. You’ve seen parents teach children to get cookies, candy or toys by yelling loud enough, throwing hysterical fits or simply taking it from a younger or smaller kid.
- There’s a small group of sociopaths and psychopaths who won’t be teachable in any reasonable length of time, if ever.
Many people say that “Children become bullies because they have low self-esteem. To make themselves feel better, they bully people who are weaker.” This is usually followed by the hope that, “If I understand why bullies bully, I’ll be able to teach bullies why bullying is wrong, and then they’ll stop bullying.” These people typically allow bullies to continue abusing their targets, while they educate, beg, bribe, appease or therapeutize bullies.
Instead, take the focus away from psychotherapy of bullies and focus on stopping bullying first. Teach your kids to protect themselves from kids who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world. After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies. As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time; let’s protect target children and adults right now.
Educating bullies begins with stopping them. Their main motivation for learning new tactics is when the old methods no longer succeed.
So why do bullies keep abusing us: Because they’re not stopped by the responsible adults. Also, the responsible adults don’t train the targets and bystanders how to stop the bullies. In addition, principals, teachers and parents often punish the targets for taking matters into their own hands, tongues or fists.
The secret to stopping bullies is to stop them. Be as firm as you need – bullies will show you what you must do to stop them.
Topics: Bullies at School, Coaching, Consulting, cyberbullying, parenting, Stop Bullies Book | 15 Comments »
November 5th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Well this is not i was looking for. It’s all about bullying and these are tips. But’s It’s helpful anyways
November 8th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Ben,
Thank you for knowing the exact dynamic and perspective on bullies.
I have had an ex-coworker try to destroy my reputation and make jokes about my hard work ethic. I used to work with a lazy coworker and told this other worker that I had told mgt. about not wanting to work with her. And, that was in 2006. That employee got fired eventually (she was actually fired twice and got back through with the union). The fire, was nothing of my doing. She was known for being lazy and working with her was unfair and overload of work. She would stay in the restroom for hours. I finally snapped, and told only one co-worker, and she began telling (snitching on a snitch) the whole place that I reported that lazy one.
I moved on after several layoffs and eventually the place closed down. I managed to get another job fairly soon. This coworker (not the one I reported, but the bully, began getting her version of this story to my current employer. I get teased and sarcastic remarks about “they won’t help me” and “Awww, I am gonna tell” and so on.
I am to the point of putting on a happy face and I will never let them see it bothers me as it did in the beginning. I believe, they think I am still that person. I continually have to confront sarcastic remarks. I still don’t understand why so many bystanders are fooled. I cannot believe that this has progressed to 3 years later. Very few, will even approach me, without having a dirty look. I think they were “told” I had something to do with getting that lazy coworker fired, when I had already left the company and had nothing to do with it.
I just wanted you to know, that it is refreshing when someone really understands that the target is usually the one punished. I was the only one who would speak out against that unfairness of workload, and then ended up a target. And, the sad thing, is that there is so many like her. I keep from letting it harden my heart against people. As you say, “bullies have their own agendas.” On a daily basis, I have to prepare to go into work and decided quickly who will speak to me and not. I am trying to find other work, but this economy is making it tough.
There is another element. She has had 2 marriages, and I never have. She sees being alone as a weakness. That is why I work so hard as to support myself. Her second marriage was to a man with 5 kids who she used to hate when we did speak at all. That is another lesson I learned, never to talk personal at work. She said she used to like to make her younger sister cry.
She hated her mother and she was the only one who worshipped her alcoholic father. The relationship with her other sibs was strained because she didn’t care that her mother was left alone by an alcoholic.
I am so tired of it. I have been working on a few good short statements for these idiotic remarks coworkers send to me. But, my stomach is so upset I think I could get sick.
Thank you for explaining about how they go about getting what they want. I am not used to verbally defending myself.
Thank you.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Hi Dee,
Well, you certainly are getting attacked by a stealth bully (sneaky, manipulative, backs tabbing) and people have been buying in for a long time.
Keep the strong face. Bullies and their suck-ups are like sharks when the smell blood. If you remain silent, those people think they’re right and that they can keep attacking you without getting anything in return. That’s like holding up a sign, “Hit me and I won’t hit back.”
That’s why I recommend that people who are targeted come back at the bullies sharply right away. “Oh, you believe the lies told by ****. You should use your brains and check it out.” Or, “So you’re sucking up to **** and believing her. Are you so afraid of her that you won’t ask what really happened?” There’s lots more things you can say.
See “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Also, it’s time you attacked the lack of character of the original bully to the other people that have been believed her. Do it calmly and professionally – don’t lose it. “Oh, so you’re a mouth-piece for that sneaky bully, ****.”
Too many good girls that I’ve coached were raised only to be nice and sweet. They were never taught how to defend themselves. Big mistake. When faced with bullies, don’t take the pain and turn the other cheek. The wounds and scars can last a lifetime.
Stand up for yourself! Be as strong and brave as some of your ancestors must have been. Get coaching to learn skills.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 10th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Where I work, we are watched by cameras. In addition, we are watched by managers and members of security. They seem almost angry when my shy co-worker and I work together. (We laugh, joke and talk as we work.) The Watchers pace back and forth almost every 15 minutes and glare at us as we go about our business.
The “Teacher’s Pets”, in the mean time do not even punch in at their scheduled times. However, certain people can be given a verbal warning when they come in ten minutes late.
People complain in the break room, but seem unlikely to take it further. They either put up with it, transfer to another store, or just plain disappear. The Store Manager seems to think his managers are the greatest thing since Ipods.
I really don’t want to leave, because I have 2 years there and some freindships but the stress is getting to me.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for the comment and it’s probably a good idea to stay anonymous.
I think “teacher’s pet” is a good description. And the only way I’ve seen these situations changed is if you can get allies who have been mistreated, document what’s happened and find a big boss to talk with. Make sure that you talk to a friendly ear – someone who is known to act on these professional complaints.
“Unfairness” probably won’t get you anywhere. But a strong business case can. Has work, efficiency, productivity suffered? Has turnover gone up? Are there more customer complaints? Are people getting paid but not working?
And be prepared for the managers and “pets” to retaliate.
It’s never easy. You’ll have to be strong, brave and persevering. You may need a good lawyer – not one supplied by the company. And a good coach to plan tactics with.
Good luck,
Ben
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December 10th, 2011 at 8:30 am
Hi Tara,
Thanks for recommending my articles. Hope they help your readers also.
Best wishes,
Ben
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