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How to Raise a Bullying Teenager: Don’t Stop Their Temper Tantrums
By Ben | September 16, 2009
The Wall Street Journal had a story on “The rich rolling in armored splendor in Brazil.” The part I want to emphasize was about a 19 year-old girl who insisted that she have a pink VW Beetle armored. She wouldn’t settle for another color or another car, like an Audi. Her father said, that safety wasn’t his only concern; “My greatest fear is to see disappointment on my daughter’s face.” Now there’s a kid who has abused and trained her father to give her what she wants.
Parents are the number one risk factor in raising kids to be bullies. There are many ways of raising a teenage bully, but one of the sure-fire methods is to give in to temper tantrums; especially if you begin when they’re young.
We’ve all seen parents who give their young children whatever they want when the kids act disappointed or throw tantrums in stores and restaurants. Those parents are preparing themselves to live with sneering, selfish, demanding teenagers. They are training their children to be abusive, teenage bullies.
So what should you do instead? Begin by realizing that your attitudes and perseverance are critical. Dedicate yourself to doing whatever it takes to give your children a better start in life.
The following approach works for all but the most troubled kids.
- Temper tantrums are normal. All children are supposed to try every type of behavior to make their parents give them everything they want — immediately. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with infants trying temper tantrums. That’s normal. When your children become old enough to begin learning other methods to get what they want, your first task as a parent is to show them, lovingly and firmly, that that approach won’t work. Your second is to teach them patiently what behavior will be more likely to get you to do what they want.
- Teach them civility – patience and politeness. They’ll get a lot from you – after all, you are a loving parent. But they’ll get more, although not everything, when they ask nicely. Of course, some children resist longer than others. So what? Be more persistent than they are.
- Don’t get angry; don’t throw a fit in response. If you lose control, they’ll persist in throwing tantrums because they’ll know they’ll eventually win. Laugh and be calm and persistent. Have determination and strength.
- Persevere: Over time, you will train them. The earlier you start; the better. Of course, when they’re infants you’ll cater to their demands more. But as they learn to speak and you can reason and explain more, you’ll shift to teaching them, “That’s not the way you can get me to do what you want.” Find appropriate and immediate consequences when they throw tantrums in public.
- Your child’s unhappiness is not the most important thing in the world. Your greatest fear should not be to see disappointment on your child’s face. You should be much more afraid of sending a spoiled brat out into the world – armored or not.
- If you give in to temper tantrums when the children are young, you’re training them to become bullies. You’ll soon have teenagers who use tantrums to manipulate, abuse and control you. You can still use the approach I’ve presented here to stop the tantrums, when your kids are teenagers. But you’ll be in for a fierce fight because you will already have taught them that they bullying will wear you down – eventually you’ll give in. That kind of conditioning is difficult, but not impossible, to break.
Remember, your children will show you what it takes to stop them from using their disappointment, hurt feelings and temper tantrums as weapons to get what they want.
Some children will give up temper tantrums easily when they’re young. They’ll try other methods to get what they want, like reasoning with you or bribing you by giving you what you want in return for your giving them what they want.
Other children will fight as if their lives depend on getting everything they want immediately. Don’t give in while you’re convincing them to try a different strategy – and that not getting everything immediately isn’t the end of the world.
Socializing your children will not only make your life much easier, it’ll help them be successful. It’s difficult enough to be successful when we act civilized with other people. It’s much harder to be successful when you’re throwing temper tantrums against teachers, bosses or the police.
Teach your children when they’re young so you can enjoy them when they’re teenagers. If you let them bully you, they’ll usually become bullies at work and bullying husbands, wives and parents.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Stop Bullies Book | 8 Comments »
September 19th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Half of our daughter’s face is wasting away. She wants to talk about bullying. Can you help her get started:
Google Kelley Sperry to see her articles in Reader’s Digest Magazine and Parents…as well as many newspaper articles. She’s now 18.
September 21st, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Hi Donna,
Thank you for writing.
Yes, Kelly will be taunted, teased and picked on. That’s what kids do to someone who’s different. That’s also what grown up kids do. Some kids don’t learn while they’re growing up. But some do.
Have hope. Kelley can find the people and community of her heart and spirit. And the rest don’t get on her island!!!!!
Please call me at 303-458-66216. I do a lot of coaching … in person and by phone.
Best wishes, Ben
November 15th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
[...] How to Raise a Bullying Teenager: Don’t Stop Their Temper Tantrums [...]
May 25th, 2010 at 7:55 am
[...] Children throwing fits are practicing and learning if that tactic works. Adult masters of emotional bullying are effective with spouses, partners, friends, extended families and at work. Some bullies are especially effective in places where other people’s politeness keeps them from stopping the bullying – like at parent groups, reading clubs and parent-teacher meetings. [...]
November 16th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
[...] adults can become physically as well as verbally abusive. Their simmering rage when they’re thwarted can be frightening. Usually they’re selfish, narcissistic control-freaks, lazy, demanding and [...]
July 3rd, 2011 at 2:14 pm
[...] However these bullies got that way – and there are only a small number of typical scenarios – they mastered the use of anger years ago so it feels natural, like that’s who they are, like it’s their identity. They love “revving their engines.” They feel strong and powerful when they’re angry. They always find good reasons and excuses to be angry, they always find people who are wrong and dumb in the news of the world or in their personal lives. And they always focus on what’s wrong or dumb, and respond to it by getting angry and enraged. [...]
December 19th, 2011 at 11:15 am
Hello,
I need some assistance. My name is Jennifer and I have two daughters. One is 17 and the other is 13. It saddens me beyond belief that 13 year old daughter is a spoiled brat. She was always given her way with her grand parents when she was little because she was the baby at that time. We hadn’t had a baby in the family for 5 years. Of course it was cute when she was little and didn’t poise a big deal. Then her father went to prison for some time and since has been in and out of her life. She really could care less about being around his family. However, my family who has always been a big part of her life and done soooo much for her, she is disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate, etc. I realize she has a strong personality. She always has to have the last say and doesn’t back down on anything. She could careless if she hurts your feelings. My other daughter is the complete opposite. I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do with her other than give her a could beating. But of course I can’t do that cause that would be considered child abuse. I realize I am the problem and created this child because I felt the need to compansate for the absence of her father. I don’t know what to say to her, what to do with her. I can’t get her to “hear” what I’m trying to teach her. I’m at the end of the rope with her. I need some advice. She is causing so many problems at home that my 17 year old and her fight more and more because my 13 is so rude and disrespectful. She won’t go to counseling. She was raised in church. We’ve prayed, talked, yelled, cried, not spoke to eachother. I just am exhausted with this and need some advice. Somebody help!!!!!
Thank you
Jenn
December 22nd, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Hi Jenn,
You must intervene immediately before it’s too later.
For example, see the case study of Paula and her daughter in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site. Stacy, the daughter, is older than yours, so you’ll have to adjust what you do consistently.
All Tactics depend on the situation, so you must get expert coaching to keep up your strength, courage and determination, and to design and implement a plan that fits you and your situation. Find a local expert or call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543). Phone or Skype coaching can be very effective.
Best wishes,
Ben