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Stop School Bullies: The Number One Risk Factor is Well-Meaning Parents
By Ben | August 24, 2009
Current statistics show that bullying is prevalent – over 50% of kids report being bullied or observing bullying. Bullying by girls is just as prevalent as by boys (although they often use different tactics) and bullying in “good” neighborhoods is just as prevalent as in “bad” ones.
Most parents want to understand why bullies bully, “Is it because bullies have low esteem, or they lust for power or that’s the only way they know how to get control and admiration?” Those parents usually tell their children never to use violence to stop bullies. “Violence never solved anything. Don’t stoop to the bullies’ level.”
Those parents hope that understanding bullies will help them create programs that will rehabilitate bullies. Then their kids will be safe when they’re away from home or when they’re online.
Parents who say those things are the number one risk factor in making their children targets of repeated bullying.
Their strategy is based on the false idea that if children love and forgive bullies enough, they’ll melt bullies’ hearts and bullies will stop bullying and become their friends. That strategy rarely stops bullies.
Real bullies won’t stop harassing or abusing our children because they’re nice to them. Ask the peace-loving people of every country run over by colonization or empire building. Ask women who have tried to stop harassment, bullying and abuse at work.
Bullying patterns or coping strategies are usually life-long. Unless they’re stopped, bullying children usually grow up to become bullying adults. They’re bullies in their love lives, they’re parents who bully their children, they’re bullying soccer-parents and they’re bullies at work.
Similarly, bullied kids grow up with low self-esteem and low confidence; they expect to be beaten down – mentally, emotionally and physically – to be taken advantage of, to lose. They become repeat victims.
The number one risk factor in our children’s becoming targets of repeated bullying is not bullies or schools – the number one risk factor is us, the parents of the targets. Bullies have always existed and will always exist, most schools never protected kids and many still won’t.
Take your focus away from psychotherapy of bullies. Focus instead on stopping bullying right now. After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies. As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time. I want to protect target children right now.
In order to protect our children, we, as parents, must change our mindsets and then we must learn skills. We must develop a real-world mindset – that the only way to stop real bullies is to stop them.
In the real world, bullies are predators, like hyenas, looking for the weak and isolated people who don’t know how to protect themselves. Real bullies have a language all their own – they take our children’s kindness, reasonableness or holding back as weakness and a sign of easy prey. Our kids’ weakness brings out the worst in bullies.
A real-world perspective is that it’s more important to stop bullies first; that counseling, therapy and rehabilitation efforts come second. In fact, stopping bullying behavior and having stiff consequences for kids who bully repeatedly is one of the best steps in changing their behavior.
We must teach our children to protect themselves from bullies who haven’t learned impulse control or to use non-violent means to navigate in the world. A few real-world steps are:
- Of course, try ignoring the bully or try peaceful and kindly understanding tactics, but don’t stop there.
- Learn to fight back verbally.
- Have friends who’ll stand with you and come back at the bully.
- Learn to fight back physically – especially boys, but also girls.
- Learn when and how to get school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators involved.
A few real-world tips for parents are:
- Let our children know we’ll protect them. If they’re being bullied, it’s not their fault – they just haven’t learned how to protect themselves. Keep their courage, hope and fighting spirit alive.
- Learn how to force your school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators to protect your kids. Organize a small core group of parents to help the principal create and implement an effective stop-bullying program. Be pro-active. Don’t wait for a bullied kid to commit suicide, get that program going right now!
Topics: Bullies at School, Coaching, Consulting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book, cyberbullying, parenting |
September 14th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
This was very helpful. I’m putting together an activity for elementary kids on boundaries and this was very informational!
September 16th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Hi Brenda,
Thanks for your comment. Glad the information is helpful.
In addition to resisting typical bullying, put-downs, taunting and harassment, I know that one of the most difficult things for thoughtful kids is to hold their own opinions in the face of other kids who are convinced of their own righteousness.
Also, I was interviewed on the radio yesterday by a woman who remembered being verbally assaulted and harassed by other girls on her block. The only advice she got at home was to “rise above.” Even though she’s now grown with two almost teenage children, she still had the wounds and scars. We were able to find just the right words to help her look at that whole situation in a better way now so she can heal those wounds. Wish she had the right advice back then.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Hi Ben,
I am a therapist and recently am enrolled in a distance coaching program called college of executive coaching. I am specifically interested in the work that you have done/are doing with bullying. I work with children and adolescents, and have done some consulting to schools who are looking to institute school wide bully programs. Most recently, my teenage son has been the target of bullying in his new h.s.
I am interested in doing some coaching specifically to help me develop my coaching techniques in order to be most effective with the children and teens that I work with.
Please advise…
Thanks!
Pamela
November 24th, 2009 at 7:17 am
[…] In trying to define bullying and in thinking she shouldn’t act if the aggressor hadn’t intended to hurt his targets, I think the parent is taking the wrong approach. […]