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The Golden Rule Doesn’t Stop Real-World Bullies
By Ben | August 3, 2009
In his article in the Costco Connections, “Stop Hassling Me: Breaking the Cycle of Bullying,” Steve Fisher quotes Psychologist Izzy Kalman as saying:
- “School anti-bullying programs don’t work.”
- “I hate referring to kids as bullies.”
- “Be nice to kids when they’re mean to you and before long they will stop being mean. This is known as the Golden Rule and is the solution to bullying.”
- “Don’t tell on kids who upset you.”
- “Don’t get angry at kids who upset you. Make it clear that they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you. After a few days they will stop.”
- “If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself.”
- “If a kid hits you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened. If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, ‘Are you mad at me?’ If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you. If they are angry, they’ll tell you why. You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate and they will also stop hitting you.”
Dr. Kalman doesn’t work with the targets of real-world school bullies. His advice is great for the targets of nice kids who are bullying one time because they’re having a bad day.
But real-world school bullies will be delighted by kids making Dr. Kalman’s responses. Real-world bullies are relentless predators who look for weak and isolated prey. You can’t stop real-world bullies by being nice, understanding, kind and rational, or with the Golden Rule. Real-world bullies take your use of the Golden Rule as a sign of weakness and an invitation to bully you more. Real bullies don’t have the empathy to stop abusing you because your feelings are hurt or because you’re a caring little saint.
Also, many school stop-bullying programs are effective when they’re based on real-world solutions, backed by strong principals, teachers and parents. And labeling bullies and bullying as “bullies” and “bullying” is a necessary component of successful programs.
How do I know this; check your own experience. Ask yourself about the kids you saw who were nice, but had one grumpy day versus the kids you saw who were relentless bullies. What stopped the relentless bullies?
My personal and professional experience and the experience of almost everyone who comments on articles and blogs is the same: The only way to stop bullies is to stop them. That may mean that the school authorities recognize them and stop them or get rid of them. Or that may mean that you get more and more firm until they quit. This may mean, eventually beating them up. Relentless bullies will show you how far you have to go in order to stop them.
After bullies are stopped or removed, then you can work on their therapy and rehabilitation. But I wouldn’t want my kids to be victimized while we wait for the bullies to become nice citizens.
Although Dr. Kalman’s suggestions are directed at bullies in school, how many of you have seen his suggestions as successful in stopping the real bullies at work? Again, all the lawsuits and comments about workplace bullies show that real bullies are relentless and don’t stop when you’re nice, kind, understanding and reasonable.
The other expert in the article, Barbara Coloroso, author of “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,” on the other hand, has much right, but she also makes a common mistake when she advises, “Don’t tell your child to fight back.”
Sometimes, fighting back is the only language a bully understands. And your suspension from school is worth stopping a bully. The same applies at work, where fighting back usually means a law suit backed by great documentation.
Topics: Bullies at School, Coaching, Consulting, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book | 17 Comments »
August 14th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
[...] The Golden Rule Doesn’t Stop Real-World Bullies [...]
January 26th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
[...] Sacrifice lower priority goals for more important ones. “By attempting a water landing,” he says, “I would sacrifice the ‘airplane goal’—trying not to destroy an aircraft valued at $60 million—for the goal of saving lives.” [...]
August 16th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
[...] of times until he’s independent and maybe even for your whole life. Recognize also that nothing you do will change your daughter – this pain and violence to your spirit will go on as long as she has any control over your [...]
November 3rd, 2010 at 10:34 am
[...] I assume you’ve asked him to stop or given him dirty looks, but that only seemed to encourage him to attack you and your children more. Or he apologized, but didn’t stop for even minute. When you arrived late and tried to leave early, he attacked your family even more. He blamed you for disrupting the family. The rest of the adults also said that it’s your fault you aren’t kind and family oriented enough to put up with him. [...]
February 10th, 2011 at 11:18 am
[...] If we give in to fear, anxiety, perfectionism and self-doubt, we’ll do nothing to protect ourselves – we’ll become victims of our own panic and terror. If we give in to anger and rage, we’ll explode, act unskillfully and do things we’ll regret. If we don’t command ourselves, we’ll lose confidence and self-esteem; we’ll get depressed and become easy victims of the predators. [...]
February 16th, 2011 at 5:39 pm
[...] Relentless, real-world bullies aren’t stopped when we show them love and kindness. [...]
April 17th, 2011 at 10:23 pm
[...] their tracks immediately and get their parents involved. I’ve met Colleen and Roxie; they’re wonderful, joyous and formidable. Unlike what happens at others schools mentioned in the Channel 7 “Stop Bullying” series, in [...]
April 24th, 2011 at 10:30 pm
[...] I favor laws to criminalize the forwarding of child pornography – even if forwarded by minors. That’s our society’s way of saying, “This is dumb and wrong and serious. We agree that we don’t allow this. And there will penalties so think long and hard before you do this.” If we don’t say this, we’ll be enabling the bullies. [...]
May 9th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
[...] know that attempts to improve their steering wheel won’t help. No lectures about being better, kinder, gentler people will help. The beginning of a new life for them is the miracle of starting their engines. Then they grab [...]
July 3rd, 2011 at 2:14 pm
[...] be an understanding therapist. Your understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t change or cure them. And you’re not being paid as a therapist. Those approaches simply prolong the behavior and [...]
July 11th, 2011 at 9:58 am
[...] Do people trample over your boundaries? Do they get away with not changing? Do you let them stay in your life? Do they wear you down? Is life an endless struggle? [...]
August 21st, 2011 at 3:20 pm
[...] because we don’t want to be judgmental or we’re too polite to make a scene or we think that if we follow the Golden Rule, they’ll be nice in return. I think that tactic is good to try but only once. Anyone can have [...]
October 4th, 2011 at 8:14 am
[...] appeasing, bribing; we stop thinking that reasons, logic, unconditional love, forgiveness or the Golden Rule will cure them; we stop hoping and pretending that they’ll suddenly see themselves as we see them [...]
November 27th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
[...] Turn the other cheek; follow the Golden Rule. [...]
December 4th, 2011 at 8:57 pm
[...] Should she stay at his bedside while he passes? If she wants to be with him at the end in order to assuage any guilt she may have for missing a last possible chance for resolution, then she should be there as long as she won’t let him hurt her feelings any more; as long as she doesn’t expect anything more than he’s always been. [...]
December 12th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
[...] kind responses. They believe their unconditional love or turning the other cheek or using the Golden Rule will convert bullies to a new way of [...]
January 8th, 2012 at 3:14 pm
[...] more spiritual, understanding, forgiving – act like the Golden Rule requires. The assumption here is that our unconditional love and perfection will convert bullies [...]