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Stop Relentless Bullies and Psychopaths Who Take Advantage of Your Politeness
By Ben | June 11, 2009
We all recognize as bullies, brutes (male or female) at work or in our love and family lives who hit people or threaten physical violence. But more bullies get away with their harassment, bullying and abuse by taking advantage of their victims’ rules about politeness.
In her article in the Miami Herald, “It’s time to get our behavior under control,” Robin Sarantos uses television’s “House” as an example of rude, inconsiderate, arrogant, discourteous, entitled behavior. He eats other people’s food, searches his boss’ desk, reads a coworkers email, yells at and blames his coworkers. And we’re supposed to think he’s funny because he’s a wonderful doctor.
But would you enjoy working with someone like him, who goes into your desk, listens to your private calls, says demeaning things about you, curses, cheats, stabs you in the back and spreads gossip and rumors? Would you enjoy dating or being best friends with someone like that?
Do you enjoy the family members who come for the holidays or family occasions with their vicious, nasty, jealous tongues? Do you enjoy exposing yourself to greedy, sarcastic or loud mouthed relatives?
What kind of loving relationship could you have with someone who puts you down, exposes your secrets, harasses you or makes cutting remarks with a smile and a laugh – pretending he’s just having a little fun or claiming that you’re too sensitive or can’t take a joke?
Often, when confronted by their smiling viciousness, we’re confused by the double message and think, “Maybe they don’t know how much what they said hurts,” or “If I say something, it’ll sound whiny or nasty.” Many of us, when we’re surprised, shocked, baffled and stunned, revert to one of the three primitive human responses: We freeze. And then it’s too late to protest. Fear not, those bullies will always give you more chances.
Don’t be blinded by romantic feelings of love, or by family duty, or by your fear of a powerful person at work.
Politeness doesn’t stop relentless bullies or psychopaths. Relentless bullies don’t take your hesitation, politeness and passivity as a kindly invitation to respond with civility. They take your lack of resistance as an invitation to bully you more. They’re like jackals that sense easy prey. The problem is not that they’re ignorant of social conventions: They know exactly what they’re doing: Pushing you around and getting away with it.
How do we know the difference between a relentless, abusive bully and a well-meaning person who stepped on our toes by accident? It’s easy: Look for a pattern.
Well-meaning people who accidently said something hurtful, feel bad, apologize sincerely, make amends and promise not to do that again. And they don’t do it again. The last step is the key one: They don’t repeat the behavior.
Bullies will minimize what they did, or justify their actions by blaming on some fault of ours, or go through many of the steps of apologizing. But they don’t make real amends and they don’t stop. When bullies whack us and buy us candy or flowers, they’re simply bribing us to be available the next time they want to whack us.
The initial steps in resisting are easy. We must react. We may say “Ouch” or we may ask them nicely to stop. If they’re well-meaning people, they’ll apologize and they won’t behave that way again. If they’re bullies, we’ll have to do the more difficult work of being more firm and forceful. Sometimes we can embarrass them to stop the bullying, but with relentless bullies we have to find real consequences that stop them.
If we ignore or minimize, if we beg or bribe them, if we appeal to their civility and manners, we’re asking to be whacked again.
These smiling bullies and control freaks actually produce more bullying incidents than the overt bullies who use violence. Stop them or live like a frightened deer while they abuse your mind, heart and spirit.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Stop Bullies Book |
November 30th, 2009 at 1:04 am
Great article.
My older sister is one of those people you write about .Her last viscous thing she did was not let my other sister (a twin of mine )and me know that Mom was in the Hospital and had three heart attacks over two weeks .When Mom died ,our brother let us know a day later.At the identification brother said to my twin and me that Mom wasn’t having a funeral.A relative told me that brother and older sister having a funeral ,my twin sister went and was ascorted out by older sister and her husband and told this is a private party.
(I drove my twin but I didn’t go in to Moms Funeral.)
Older sister only executive of Moms will,She has already changed things ,she also said that Mom had a break in and thats why things are missing from the will. My Mom had a special alarm force instaled long ago.Older sister last gave an expensive ring from Moms will to my twin sisters daughter instead to my twin sister as stated in the will.
Now I am told that I can’t see the whole Will only the part that I am mentioned in .
Older sister and brother don’t want me to tell Dad that Mom died .Mom took everything of Dads with her power of atturney when Dad got sick .Dad in hospital .Brother has power of atturney on Dads health father without hearing aids .My parents were wealthy.My older sister and my father and her husband didn’t get along with Dad.I fear the worst , my Dad was prevented his C-pac machine at the hospital with Moms P.O.A..Dad has dementia they are calling it Alzhemers.I have a serious medical condition and I was slandered by older sister years ago and miss quoted deliberately to slander me more and made out as insincere about being ill.I don’t know how to cope with any of this.Any suggestions as I am overwhelmed.I have been Bullied for years by Older sister .any suggestions ?,I have been treated badly for years and I didn’t deserve it.She upsets me so much that I don’t want to be around her but avoiding her doesn’t seem to be enough.Mostly I would go through my brother but now I feel betrayed by him.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Hi Kim
You’re stuck in a pickle.
Sounds like there’s a lot of money involved and the three of them are cutting you out. They have their reasons, excuses and justifications and you won’t sway them with yours.
You’ve tried being nice and it hasn’t changed the situation. You’ve tried ignoring it but it hasn’t changed. Those tactics never change the behavior of real bullies and predators.
Unless you fight back with effective tactics you will deserve what you get. Stop talking to them and get a lawyer who fights for you, not one who tries for conciliation. Make sure all communication from them goes through the lawyer. If you talk with them, they’ll sucker you in.
Get an on-going coach to keep you strong and persevering while (not only before) you claim what’s yours.
Or cut your emotional losses by walking away and never communicating with those people again. Have your own ceremonies and take care of your own feelings with your friends, not with them.
Find a new family of your heart and spirit; those biological ones aren’t part of yours!
Best wishes,
Ben