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Stop Relentless Bullies and Psychopaths Who Take Advantage of Your Politeness
By Ben | June 11, 2009
We all recognize as bullies, brutes (male or female) at work or in our love and family lives who hit people or threaten physical violence. But more bullies get away with their harassment, bullying and abuse by taking advantage of their victims’ rules about politeness.
In her article in the Miami Herald, “It’s time to get our behavior under control,” Robin Sarantos uses television’s “House” as an example of rude, inconsiderate, arrogant, discourteous, entitled behavior. He eats other people’s food, searches his boss’ desk, reads a coworkers email, yells at and blames his coworkers. And we’re supposed to think he’s funny because he’s a wonderful doctor.
But would you enjoy working with someone like him, who goes into your desk, listens to your private calls, says demeaning things about you, curses, cheats, stabs you in the back and spreads gossip and rumors? Would you enjoy dating or being best friends with someone like that?
Do you enjoy the family members who come for the holidays or family occasions with their vicious, nasty, jealous tongues? Do you enjoy exposing yourself to greedy, sarcastic or loud mouthed relatives?
What kind of loving relationship could you have with someone who puts you down, exposes your secrets, harasses you or makes cutting remarks with a smile and a laugh – pretending he’s just having a little fun or claiming that you’re too sensitive or can’t take a joke?
Often, when confronted by their smiling viciousness, we’re confused by the double message and think, “Maybe they don’t know how much what they said hurts,” or “If I say something, it’ll sound whiny or nasty.” Many of us, when we’re surprised, shocked, baffled and stunned, revert to one of the three primitive human responses: We freeze. And then it’s too late to protest. Fear not, those bullies will always give you more chances.
Don’t be blinded by romantic feelings of love, or by family duty, or by your fear of a powerful person at work.
Politeness doesn’t stop relentless bullies or psychopaths. Relentless bullies don’t take your hesitation, politeness and passivity as a kindly invitation to respond with civility. They take your lack of resistance as an invitation to bully you more. They’re like jackals that sense easy prey. The problem is not that they’re ignorant of social conventions: They know exactly what they’re doing: Pushing you around and getting away with it.
How do we know the difference between a relentless, abusive bully and a well-meaning person who stepped on our toes by accident? It’s easy: Look for a pattern.
Well-meaning people who accidently said something hurtful, feel bad, apologize sincerely, make amends and promise not to do that again. And they don’t do it again. The last step is the key one: They don’t repeat the behavior.
Bullies will minimize what they did, or justify their actions by blaming on some fault of ours, or go through many of the steps of apologizing. But they don’t make real amends and they don’t stop. When bullies whack us and buy us candy or flowers, they’re simply bribing us to be available the next time they want to whack us.
The initial steps in resisting are easy. We must react. We may say “Ouch” or we may ask them nicely to stop. If they’re well-meaning people, they’ll apologize and they won’t behave that way again. If they’re bullies, we’ll have to do the more difficult work of being more firm and forceful. Sometimes we can embarrass them to stop the bullying, but with relentless bullies we have to find real consequences that stop them.
If we ignore or minimize, if we beg or bribe them, if we appeal to their civility and manners, we’re asking to be whacked again.
These smiling bullies and control freaks actually produce more bullying incidents than the overt bullies who use violence. Stop them or live like a frightened deer while they abuse your mind, heart and spirit.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Stop Bullies Book | 12 Comments »
November 30th, 2009 at 1:04 am
Great article.
My older sister is one of those people you write about .Her last viscous thing she did was not let my other sister (a twin of mine )and me know that Mom was in the Hospital and had three heart attacks over two weeks .When Mom died ,our brother let us know a day later.At the identification brother said to my twin and me that Mom wasn’t having a funeral.A relative told me that brother and older sister having a funeral ,my twin sister went and was ascorted out by older sister and her husband and told this is a private party.
(I drove my twin but I didn’t go in to Moms Funeral.)
Older sister only executive of Moms will,She has already changed things ,she also said that Mom had a break in and thats why things are missing from the will. My Mom had a special alarm force instaled long ago.Older sister last gave an expensive ring from Moms will to my twin sisters daughter instead to my twin sister as stated in the will.
Now I am told that I can’t see the whole Will only the part that I am mentioned in .
Older sister and brother don’t want me to tell Dad that Mom died .Mom took everything of Dads with her power of atturney when Dad got sick .Dad in hospital .Brother has power of atturney on Dads health father without hearing aids .My parents were wealthy.My older sister and my father and her husband didn’t get along with Dad.I fear the worst , my Dad was prevented his C-pac machine at the hospital with Moms P.O.A..Dad has dementia they are calling it Alzhemers.I have a serious medical condition and I was slandered by older sister years ago and miss quoted deliberately to slander me more and made out as insincere about being ill.I don’t know how to cope with any of this.Any suggestions as I am overwhelmed.I have been Bullied for years by Older sister .any suggestions ?,I have been treated badly for years and I didn’t deserve it.She upsets me so much that I don’t want to be around her but avoiding her doesn’t seem to be enough.Mostly I would go through my brother but now I feel betrayed by him.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Hi Kim
You’re stuck in a pickle.
Sounds like there’s a lot of money involved and the three of them are cutting you out. They have their reasons, excuses and justifications and you won’t sway them with yours.
You’ve tried being nice and it hasn’t changed the situation. You’ve tried ignoring it but it hasn’t changed. Those tactics never change the behavior of real bullies and predators.
Unless you fight back with effective tactics you will deserve what you get. Stop talking to them and get a lawyer who fights for you, not one who tries for conciliation. Make sure all communication from them goes through the lawyer. If you talk with them, they’ll sucker you in.
Get an on-going coach to keep you strong and persevering while (not only before) you claim what’s yours.
Or cut your emotional losses by walking away and never communicating with those people again. Have your own ceremonies and take care of your own feelings with your friends, not with them.
Find a new family of your heart and spirit; those biological ones aren’t part of yours!
Best wishes,
Ben
June 1st, 2010 at 8:59 am
[...] She’d always been able to hide in the shadows because women where she had lived previously had been too polite to create conflict and tension in public. Once Mary begun shining a light on Jill’s actions, other women began noticing what Jill had [...]
December 5th, 2010 at 5:16 am
Dear Ben, I was married 22 years to someone I thought shared the same values, beliefs, and wants that I did, I thought and believed he sincerely loved me and wanted the same things I did, we had a daughter together, both of us came from disfunctual homes, and at times I found his behavior perplexing, impulsive, and at times selfish to the point of stupidity, but basically I thought the perverbal…that women often say to each other…thats a man for you… and he could be the most loving person to me, and yet over protective, extremely needy, and bullying, at times, especially when it came to sex, which seemed to become more of an tension reliever and ego booster to him than anything..one part of his personality I did not understand was he had difficulty putting himself in others shoes, and his smooth talking, and extreme drive to achieve or get something..even if it was something that was going to be a complete failure, such as building a barn that leaked from the day it was completed. Often in our marriage I would say as sweetly as I could,,,honey think about what you are doing…it would cause him to be more driven…or he told our 13 year old daughter..when we learned her fellow classmate died of the choking game, as my daughter cried, her father said”well if she was that stupid to do it she deserved to die”. By age 14 my daughter started cutting..and as her father reached midlife crisis, our whole lives spiraled out of control..Long story short, one night he threw a tantrum because I didn’t jump up fast enough to give him a bj..he had become very abusive emotionally, psychologically, and fiancially, I thought the man was having a bipolar breakdown/midlife crisis..from there dv occurred, he threatened to press charges on me and take my daughter away from me (apparently the police don’t get involved unless the man has beat the crap out of you, he choked me, lied to them and they chose not to take sides), and I’m the one that “always believed in following rules”..fell for it hook, line, and sinker, in the days that followed, he continued to bully and abuse and terrorize me and our daughter, from telling me that I was a whore, and if I was half dead and hanging over a tolet I should be grateful to spread my legs and give him my pu… any time he asked for it(when I was totally faithful)
AFter that statement to me, My daughter and I left and I left him the message, I love you but we are not coming home until you get help…well no room at any of the women’s shelters so my daughter and I stayed with family, he in turn (without my knowledge) hired 3 attys, mind you he left all kinds of messages on my cell and his 15 yr.old, daughter’s cell that were abusive but the cops didn’t think it was enough nor the judge, for a protective order)
…he put me and my daughter through absolute hell for 14 months, broke every temp. order, threatened her at school, to the point the officers said “take your child out of school”,
I believed this was not the man I married but someone ill that needed help, he promised me that if we came home he would get help…STUPID ME, he had already hooked up with someone else on Match.com, hired his atty, emptying the 401k, blocked all money, in fact we left him at noon and by 11:00 PM that night he signed up on Match.com, (I found out months later),
I believed him that he would get help if My daughter and I came home, but when we did, there was porn everywhere, women calling and leaving messages on our home phone from match.com, which his daughter was hearing…when I confronted him, he then left…he accused his daughter of being mentally ill, threatened to put her in a mental hosp. said I was crazy…and he was pulling this all through our divorce, not to mention the sick messages on my home phone, of things like “I’ve got pictures of you and me I’m gonna sent your momma, wont she be proud”…and sending me emails of porn sites he signed me up on with my personal information, and those nude pics (which he talked me into taking) and threatening me with them by putting them on the internet and sending them to my mother…who is in her 70s…
if it had been up to me, our divorce would have been done in 4 months, everything split down the middle, instead he made such a mess of everything, no lawyer would touch it for less than 5000 up front, (did I mention he destroyed my credit with his fiancial abuse and would not have the good credit he has today if it was not for me)…I had all this evidence at court and could not get a protective order, nor did anyone hold him accountable for all his contempt charges of breaking all the temporary orders, the cops were called every time he did something and they would always say we would have to take it before the judge..the judge saw everything and did nothing. There were police reports, statements, pictures, tape recordings, emails, and the judge still gave him UNSUPERVISED VISITATION, WHICH MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME, MOMMA THEY DON’T CARE WHAT HE DOES TO US, THIS IS JUST A GAME TO THEM, AND YOU CAN’T PROTECT ME’…
THE LAWYERS SAID, IT’S A MIDLIFE CRISIS AND I THINK THE COURT FELT ANYTHING FROM MEANT I WAS JUST AN ANGRY REJECTED WIFE…
my daughter and I lived in terror, he cam to our home and stole, vandilized and threatened and would stand there like the devil and tell us “I can do anything I want and they won’t do anything to me” Apparently in Montgomery county, TX, temp orders mean nothing to the police force and the judge. The court therapist told me, “he’s the most narcisstic asshole I have ever met, and our family therapist told me “you married a sadistic sociopath and you are divorcing the devil…this man wore so many masks, and in the end he was Mr. Hyde, apparently when he realized if he wanted to keep his family together that would mean he would have to get counseling, it was much easier to dump us, destroy me fiancially, emotionally, psychologically, and abandon his daughter because it took everything I had to protect her daughter from her father’s rage, and giving him just about everything he wanted in the divorce, he is required to get counseling with his daughter (supervised visitation)BECAUSE OF THE COURT THERAPIST NOT THE MOUNTAIN OF EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM, which he said he will never do, and told me so ….now tell me sir, I always believed in being a good person and trying to be a better person than the example I was taught, I did everything for my husband and daughter, and they were my whole life. I told him once, begging him, “R…., the greatest gift you could give your children is getting help for your rage,” and what did he say? In the eviliest voice..Is that right… Part of me is really angry, why did the judge allow this man to do this? My daughter and I went to court twice with all the contempt charges, 18 of them, from calling his daughter a bitch, telling her she was dead to him, to attempting to take her dog, to cutting our telephone wires…the judge just let him off and asked for us to go to mediation…the only money I had I was forced to come up with the night before mediation, my lawyer did no depositions (which we had tons of witnesses) but of course I had an atty that took my case as a favor to my family, I have paid him nearly 4000.00 not to mention all the money out of pocket for “all the work/ evidence/ copies…I did in going through the divorce process”
My X still owes me 13, 000, he blew over 100,000 during our separation, openly on the internet with his gfriend, and everything he did with this woman was things my daughter and I once begged him to do with us…trips…etc…I’m not so sure if getting away was worth it, what did it teach my daughter, when she saw her father get away with this behavior over and over in court,lie to court, the judge, and most of all to her, and never blink an eye, like he is God the provider, and he dared us to defy him”, and now my credit destroyed and I am still tied to our house with him…not once has he thought about what he has shown his children..what he has shown his daughter about how a man is suppose to treat his wife and child…and I still don’t understand why the court allowed this..I need to put this behind me, but every day I am afraid, I cannot leave three counties in tx until my daughter graduates and I am going to have to deal with him again when I am force to sell this house when she graduates…he walked out of this divorce smelling like a rose, he even got to claim my daughter as a deduction on the taxes and he is not even going to counseling with her to see her…My daughter told me today she does not trust me because I gave him the chance to get counseling with us, instead of listening to her…she was right…I did give him that chance when it was just a tactic of his to gain the upper hand concerning our claims of abuse..she says I choose him over her…I don’t see how, I gave him one chance and he blew it…I fought for 14 months to get her supervised visitation and freedom…he just kept dragging it on…never cooperating…never produced the doctumentation to process the divorce, everything that I believed in from the man I thought he was, to the court system has been a betrayal, I’m left with a house and property that he nearly destroyed or neglected, a 8 year old MPV with 75,000 miles and hasn’t passed inspection without putting 1000.00 in it, and no money to fix it up, to bankrupcty, dealing with PTSD (which I’m not allowed to do I must be the ideal parent according to the law) to my whole self esteem totally freaking destroyed, not to mention my work skills were neglected being out of work because HIS JOB CAME FIRST, HE TRAVELED ALL OVER THE WORLD, and I work in a high stress field, that requires me being “together”…and I just pray every day that God keeps me together, keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, and breathing in and out, so I am here to raise my child. Last time I saw my Lawyer, I was concerned about a will, because my X has not provided anything for our child, and my lawyer told me…if I die, without a will, my X will automatically get custody of our child, and my half of this dump he left, and any life insurance I leave my daughter or belongings he will have control over.
I am left to pick up the pieces of our lives, while he has gone on to marry his “good deal as he called her” with her own house, motorcycle, truck, and good retirement…while he has not even followed the divorce decree…IRS has told me most likely he has forged my signiture on the taxes we were manidated by the judge to do together, which he did not do, continuing to threatened me with that, to not providing insurance on his daughter, until months after the divorce, to not giving me the info on the 401K (that was left and awarded to me) and my lawyer didnt’ even get him to sign the QUAD papers on that…my lawyer is TRYING to get his snake atty to sign off on it…that was nearly a year ago and still nothing…
Part of me says blow it all off, walk away this house, (just let it go) apparently the lawyer seems to think it’s better to just let him have every thing, so what if that means dumping the house too than to go back to court and try and do enforcement on anything (I guess women in Montgomery co. may only be viewed as raving bitches) when it was my credit that got us this house, my credit that got him those business credit cards, and that truck he is driving…and it was him that did balance transfers onto cards I was a primary on and then call them later and BULLY THEM INTO TAKING HIS NAME OFF!!!!
HE SAID BECAUSE I LEFT HIM, HE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WAS GOING TO TAKE everything from me, and he has just about done it, I could understand it if I had been a lying cheating, drug, or alcholic nagging bitch…but I never did any of those things…I don’t even know what or how to deal with this any more please give me some advice…the way the court, lawyers handled this I questioned everything, none of his behavior was even factored into my rights and our daughter’s rights, …my lawyer just called him a controlling asshole. Am I wrong? I can’t even imagine why someone would make the choices he did, and not be an sick and abusive.
We have all this information and preaching we do to our children about BULLYING and yet I don’t understand why the court left this impression to my daughter, I worry the damging impression it will leave on her. Her father does not even contact her..he is convinced “I took his daughter away from him”…
Part of me wants to save my money and hire me a REAL lawyer and sue this sick monster in civil court for damages, but my therapist says “his mind thinks in ways you can’t possibly understand”, there is no way you can hurt him, he’s not capable of feeling it. Why spend all that money and blow it, for what? What court did to us was much more damaging than what my x did..
I have a feeling that before he is done…IRS will get this house too, cause he already has secured a new home with a new victim…and he’s already put her on his business as a partner…he is fiancially covering himself, just like he used me during our marriage with my credit. Hes bought him a new motorcycle, an RV, and taken trip after trip not to mention his new wife’s big diamond ring…all pictured on the internet…hell I spent the last 10 years buying my clothes at the goodwill and gargage sales….
Finding out about his past…he has made a lifetime of leaving destruction behind from his parents to his children….
Please give me some advice…Should I hire a new attorney with experience with cluster B personality disorder… to enforce the divorce decree, get his name off this house, or save my money and once I am no longer obligated to stay in TX take my child and get as far away as possible, just give him this house and disappear, he’ll just let the house go back so it will destroy my credit more,
Run away and start fresh, and cut my losses, or get a new attorney and try and re-establish better fiancial boundaries so he can not continue to hurt me…in the future…I feel I need someone that will have the balls and political clout in our county that will protect us from being further exploided by the x and his “good ole boy of the court” atty. My atty is out of town..and not part of this cliche…..
Please answer….
December 6th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Hi Denise,
Wow – you’ve been harmed by the law that was supposed to protect you.
The pit you’re in is huge and way beyond what we can do on a blog, but there are some things to get clear on. There are two separate areas:
1. Protecting your daughter and yourself from what the courts in Texas have done to you and what he’ll do to you if he wants. Sounds like they won’t help you – he’s tricked them like he did you and they’ll take the man’s side. Eventually you need to get far away. You need a great lawyer to advise you how to do that in the best way. Whatever the cost, get you and your daughter off his radar. He’ll hurt her if he wants to.
2. The initial problem is contained in your statement, “I always believed in being a good person and trying to be a better person than the example I was taught, I did everything for my husband and daughter, and they were my whole life.” Now you know that led you to do things that he could use. As you now know, “My daughter told me today she does not trust me because I gave him the chance to get counseling with us, instead of listening to her…she was right…I did give him that chance.” You have to prepare her to face a crazy, relentless predator.
You need a great lawyer, not a family friend. You probably needed one before. You’ll lose a lot in getting away, but I hope not everything. But get away.
Maybe you can find a sympathetic caseworker within the system who’ll go to bat for you. Your daughter will have to convince her/him how scared she is and how much she needs to get away from him. That’s a pretty big job for a teenager.
Good luck,
Ben
January 21st, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Dear Ben,
Thank you for your advice. I do believe that this kind of devastating experience is an opportunity for spiritual growth, and God gives us an opportunity to take our losses, to learn and grow, and use them to maybe help others. A domestic abuse survivor once told me, “you have to be willing to lose everything to get away”, how true. I am confident that my daughter is going to be fine, like the counselor told me, “he is not interested in her, he is too self absorbed and has moved on to someone else. Church, support of others, and groups I attend, along with our therapists, know this story well, if my daughter is put into a position, she is old enough to claim herself as an adult, I don’t think with the mountain of evidence that is “in a safe place” and the support of those around her he will allowed to do her any harm. The court therapist saved us, there is a no contact, her instructions specifically, and in the beginning when he was given unsupervised visitation, he continued to be abusive and unpredictable and openingly admitted to the court therapist “if my daughter hadn’t have talked his wife into leaving, this would not have happened”,. DENIAL IS THE STRONGEST DRUG TO MAN, ISN’T IT??? When I asked him, what was I suppose to do when the “authority of victims assistance in Mont. CO.” told me he was one step away from either raping me, killing me, or beating me, and all he could reply was “I don’t know”, but continued to drag our case out and abuse us through the courts! (All while he was grooming the next one and paving out his “new life”!!)….HA! And she thought I was holding up the divorce, if she only knew HOW MANY TIMES HE SAID HE DID NOT WANT TO GET THIS DIVORCE AND WAS FURIOUS THAT I WENT THROUGH WITH IT! THAT IS WHY I HAD TO GIVE HIM EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK TO FINALLY GET IT!!!! I am not the beat down, terrifed, PTDS abused housewife I was two years ago, I know now this pitiful creature is a coward who gets off on being a sadistic bully and spoiled manipulating sociopathic 5 year old brat, to the very people that trusted and believed in him… ALL his children begged him to get professional help, and he has continued to sit on his thrown of entitlement, and wear his crown of denial. It must be terrible to only “feel” when you are hurting, exploiding, and destroying others, (cause you are constantly digging your own self loathing grave in the process). Since our divorce, and the court therapist mandating “supervised visitation”, he has not contacted his daughter for any holidays or birthdays or any time for that matter, as he told her “she is dead to him”. These are his choices not mine, and not his children’s, they have lived it, witnessed it, survived it, and know it, noone forced him to make these choices AND HIS LOSS. I feel pity for someone who is so wounded as a child,(that they are forever stuck with this wounded child’s coping skills) to get their needs met in life. Only a sadist gets pleasure out of destroying the very people who did nothing but trust, love, and support him and beg him to get help for his rage. This kind of person does not know love, and I believe his statement that “he just has a black empty hole in him, and does not know how to put himself in someone elses shoes”, is the absence of God’s holy spirit in this souless creature, and what more hell could it be than to feel nothing but rage at the world and everyhing in it? Forever stuck in the mind of a twisted 5 year old. His children have nothing to do with him because they have learned the hard way their father is “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”…like his son said to me, “you never know what to expect, and if he does anything for you, you can assure that you will get the short end of the stick.” The court therapist said, “Pray that he learns not to be such a bully”, I haven’t completely gotten there yet, but I know that his greatest fears; of being alone, being abandoned, and being a loser”, is the very life he has created, and until he makes the choice (if he can) to be human, he is nothing but toxic and destructive to himself and others, his behaviors only alienates himself, causing others to abandoned him, loathe him, and with his poor impulse and need to take the easy way out of everything, he makes very foolish decisions, hence a fool that never learns. My slogan, “user, abuser, loser”. This life “Katrina” experience has really been a gift, because it gives me an opportunity to show my daughter, yes life is not fair, civil court is not fair, but I pray with God’s help, he will help me set the example of courage, strength, integrity, and hope, to overcome the worst in life. Children are not property, they belong to God, he entrusts us, as parents, to show them unconditional love, GOOD BOUNDARIES, values, standards, and how to be productive healthy member of society, and most of all to have faith in God, he never leaves, and he lays a pretty good blue print for us to follow. What I have learned about this con man is he has always been running away from himself, his flaws, and his failures, until he faces this “demonized wounded child within” he will never be whole, and most surely self destruct and forever feel like a loser. I just thank God my daughter is nearly of age, like I tell her, God is now her father, and we are healing. Everything my X did to me, he did to her,(by his behavior and examples) and as long as he continues this narccistic rage against us, he will continue to alienate himself from her. She is a smart intelligent young lady, whose mother tells her, learn from your parent’s mistakes, and what I tell her and others, “Listen to your intuition, that is God’s holy spirit telling you what feels right, “Listen to it!”
It is God’s gift and your greatest protection. I listen to my intuition now, and I am finding myself again, God has already shown me how strong I am by surviving this sadistic destructive bully’s abuse for 22 years! Like the lawyers and court therapist said, “so what if I fiancially lose everything, if it gets this “flawed, miserable, monster” out of our lives, it’s worth it. God has better things in store for us than having anything to do with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Thank you for validating me, and giving me good advice. I pray that if others read their story in my own, that they don’t just leave, PLAN, PLAN, AND PLAN, AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE THE BEST LAWYER (SPECIALIZING IN CRIMINAL AND DIVORCE)THAT YOU CAN AFFORD! This will be the very factor of survival, before they end up in the sea of choas of a flawed court system and cynical lawyers and apathetic judges! Educate themselves as much as possible about the county they live in (and what is their attitude is on how they handle domestic violence cases), and divorcing a narccistist/BPD person, prepare like you are preparing for Katrina. You will be able to heal much faster and have better protection because you will be in for the worst “Katrina” of your life, you’ll need all the life rafts you can put into place, if you think they are abusive being with them WAIT TILL YOU LEAVE THEM, THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL EMPATHY AND WILL SEE YOU AS NOTHING BUT AN OBJECT TO DESTROY, THEY HATE BEING EXPOSED AND BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE AND EVEN IF HELL FREEZES OVER THEY WILL NEVER DO IT, THEIR RAGE IS RELENTLESS!
Thank you Ben
GOD BLESS!
January 24th, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Hi Denise
Good for you!!!!! I hope many other people are inspired by you.
Your daughter has a running start in life because of your courage, strength and determination.
Funny, just today I was coaching someone who needs to hear your words:
1. “You have to be willing to lose everything to get away”. Sometimes, that’s the only way to gain everything – the rest of your life.
2. “He has continued to sit on his throne of entitlement, and wear his crown of denial.” You have a gift with words.
3. “My slogan, ‘user, abuser, loser’”. How true – see the Early Warning Signs of predators. Just like you would have learned to read the signs, tracks and smells of predators if you lived in the woods 300 years ago. Nothing has changed.
4. “Listen to your intuition, that is God’s holy Spirit telling you what feels right, “Listen to it!” Yes. Don’t talk yourself out of your accurate intuition. Don’t wait until you have the scars to prove to your mind what your accurate intuition was telling you. Act right away!
5. “PLAN, PLAN, AND PLAN, AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE THE BEST LAWYER (SPECIALIZING IN CRIMINAL AND DIVORCE)THAT YOU CAN AFFORD!” Get this right away.
And you’ve shown that you can get away and have a future even after 22 years and a child.
I was able to show her how to recognize her “accurate intuition” so she could listen to it the rest of her life.
Good for you. You’re magnificent.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 21st, 2011 at 3:19 pm
[...] of the event. Typically we give them what they want because we don’t want to be judgmental or we’re too polite to make a scene or we think that if we follow the Golden Rule, they’ll be nice in return. I think that tactic [...]
October 23rd, 2011 at 3:26 pm
[...] a more important value than not hurting the feelings of toxic people or not getting them upset or not making a scene or not upsetting the [...]
October 30th, 2011 at 1:57 pm
[...] hurt people’s feelings. Don’t upset anyone. Don’t be disagreeable. Don’t argue. Be polite. Be nice. Follow the Golden Rule. Make everyone like you.” But those are not effective [...]
November 26th, 2011 at 10:15 pm
Dear Ben
My Boyfriend and i have been togther for a year. In the begining everything was great he was sweet and soft toned. It was all great until i lost my virtue to him and became emotionallly attached i believe. I even got pregnant quickly after because he kept talking me out of using condoms. I lost the baby and Since then hes been super controlling i lost my friends because he dosent like them. He dosent even like my family but he puts up with them as if they are criminals. He is always accusing me of cheating and makes me feel guilty he even said if i leave him he will kill himself. I feel stupid for being with him but i really love him and dont know what to do?
November 28th, 2011 at 9:14 pm
Hi Jillian,
I’ll be straightforward. Love is not what you feel; love is much more than that.
Here’s a great quote:
“Maybe it is more important to not pay attention to how much your partner claims they love you or how much you feel you love them as to judge them by how lovingly they treat you.”
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change him or to make the situation with him better.
Stop loving him. Get far away. Go find better love somewhere else; love that feels good because you’re treated lovingly.
And in between, figure out what attracts you to control freaks.
Your future is calling you. Your spirit is crying out to you.
What’s the price for tolerating bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!
Get going before you get pregnant again.
Best wishes,
Ben