« Transforming a Community in the Wake of School Abuse, Bullying and Suicides | Home | Stop Relentless Bullies and Psychopaths Who Take Advantage of Your Politeness »
Get Away from a Controlling, Bullying, Abusive Husband
By Ben | June 9, 2009
Here’s an email I received from an abused wife, hoping her story helps other women recognize and get away from their controlling, bullying, abusive husbands before it’s too late.
“I hope my story might help someone. I have known my husband since I was 18 years-old. We worked together and his sister and I were friends. I was married at 16 to my first boyfriend, so my now husband was just a friend, although I always knew he had a soft spot for me.”
“Years later, when I was divorced, I went out with my now husband, but I didn’t have the feelings for him at that time that I do now, so I ended the relationship. Eventually we ended up back together and he won me over. He was a quiet man, very deep, didn’t say much, but was always very kind and nothing was too much trouble.”
“My sons who obviously had known him since they were little boys, but are now grown up and married, adored him. We ended up getting married and I thought I had met the man of my dreams, but it didn’t last. As soon as we got engaged it all started to change. He has hit me, nearly broken my fingers, but the violence has stopped since I called the police.”
“He had never been married before and never wanted to, that I know for a fact. He is very moody and often put himself in the box room for weeks on end and not speaking. I own my own home and have always worked full time. I am very bubbly person and have lots of friends, where he has always been a loner.”
“He told me that I needn’t work full time anymore, so I took a 2-day-a-week job. That’s when it really got bad. He often leaves in the clothes he stood in and takes all of the bill and shopping money. He would stay away for 3 weeks at a time. It wasn’t about him being with women or anything, that I know, but he goes on drinking binges which he never used to do. He spends all of the money and texts me all of the time, calling me names, putting me down and being very abusive.”
“I have started divorce proceedings as he is putting the home I have lived in for 25 years at risk, with him taking all of the money. Because the house is mine and in my name, he said that my sons should pay the mortgage when he is not there as it is their inheritance, as he calls it. Obviously I love him but cannot take anymore.”
“To anyone out there, these people will not change and are unable to change. They will grind you down, just as I have been and you will end up feeling worthless. I am a good person and I have a medical working background, so I have a pretty good idea what I am talking about. I also have friends in the medical field who have advised me that these controlling people will never change.”
“I am at the moment trying to keep hold of my home. He keeps sending me texts saying he is going to see me in the gutter. Please don’t let these controlling people to this to us. I hope my story helps in someway.”
Notice some typical early warning signs:
- He changed from charming to abusive, sometimes step by step. When she put up with a step, he escalated to the next step. Bullies don’t stop until you stop them.
- Overt physical violence – they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called. In this case, she stopped the overt physical violence when she called the police. Good. Now there’s a police record. But he then shifted to control and bullying, which wouldn’t get the police involved. When she stayed with him, she gave him a green light.
- They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
- Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work. When she quit her full-time job and became depended on him, the control and abuse increased.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.
Bullies don’t take your kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop. They take your passivity as an invitation to bully you more. It’s the same at work, at school and in romance.
A few suggestions for then and now
- Get away or get rid of him at the first sign. Notice that she had signs when they were engaged, before they were married and there were also no children at stake.
- Don’t think you can change him by staying. The best help you can provide is getting away. That may or may not be motivation for him to change on his own, but at least he’ll be far away from you.
- Don’t let him control you. Notice what happened when she quit her job. Don’t believe him when he says you’re worthless and the problems are your fault.
- Since he’s harassing you with text messages and has a history of physical violence, get a restraining order. Keep a record of all the messages (including the threatening ones). Call the police if he continues. Cut off all contact with him.
- Find allies and supporters. Remove any splinters – people who don’t support you.
- Be brave, determined and relentless.
Many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label these bullies’ tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness, their sympathetic therapy) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined, bullying husbands.
Of course it’s usually not easy to stop the behavior or to get away. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Tactics must be designed for each situation. Factors such as money, children, outside support, age, health, threatened increase in abuse to physical brutality and murder, and family of origin and cultural values can be extremely important in designing effective tactics.
But the first step is always for women to make an internal shift from acceptance or tolerance (even though you may hate him underneath) to a commitment and determination to end the abuse and bullying, no matter what it takes. Without that inner commitment, women usually end up begging the husband to change and waiting forever. The inner commitment is necessary to give strength and power to the right tactics in your hands.
You’ll find many examples of stealth bullies in my books and CDs “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” You’ll also learn practical, real-world tactics to stop these bullies or to get away safely.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 222 Comments »
June 11th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Hi,
I just came across this article. I have a totally controlling husband, who thinks he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think his past has a big part to play in the way he thinks of himself. His parents were divorced even before he was born. He loves to adore himself, he doesn’t like the word “no”, loves to control the money part, always uses my family as an excuse that I have family and he doesn’t, always comments on my clothes, my hair. Also what hurt me very much was when he made fun of our intimate moments (that hurt me very badly). He is an intelligent man, I have always supported him to move ahead in his career and studies. He never supports me to study any courses, he always says oh what are you going to do with that……
I am in pain and hurting emotionally very very very much….
Please keep me in your prayers….
June 12th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Hi ssz,
Sounds like terrible situation.
Forget psychoanalysis about why he does it. Forget that you don’t deserve that treatment. Forget trying to prove to him that he’s a bully.
Get in touch with your own guts and ask, “Do I want to be treated that way?” I hope the answer is “No.” That’s more than enough reason to get away. It really is that simple and clear. It may not be easy, but that’s a different matter.
Stop hurting. Get help creating an effective plan to get away.
See case studies #7 (Jean) and #14 (Lucy) in “How to Stop bullies in Their Tracks.
Remember, “What’s the price of tolerating bullies? Slow erosion of your soul.”
Best wishes,
Ben
June 17th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
My husband is also a controlling bully. Nothing physical (yet), but the emotional and verbal abuse has been horrendous. Not to mention his iron-fisted control over the finances, his lying not only about finances but also about his past, etc…trying to isolate me from my adult children (they’re not his)…an addiction to cyberporn…It’s been horrible…And just when I worked up the courage to leave him…..all of a sudden he’s got religion – so now, according to my church, I “can’t” leave him…he’s a changed man, yada yada yada…I have to admit the past week has been a very quiet, calm one, and that’s been nice – but I dont’ quite trust it. And I guarantee…If I follow through with my “safety plan” and leave him…my church WILL kick me out…
June 17th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Hi Debbie,
Sounds like you’re in one of the worst fixes – your church and social network condones his behavior and wants the victim (you) to keep putting up with it, until a miracle happens.
I’ve worked with many women in this situation and they always get to the same place.
The strong ones wait until there’s an incident and then leave. They realize that they want no part of a man who acts like that. Also, that he’s not fulfilling his part of the religious bargain. They are brave enough also to realize that they want no part of a church that abuses and demeans women by keeping them as victims. It’s incredibly difficult to leave their whole social group, but it’s the only way for them to get a new group that supports their well-being. And they do. Then their lives can blossom and bear good fruit.
The weak ones stay and live with their pain, anger and resentment. Eventually they realize that their church group doesn’t really have their best interests at heart. The other church members have the best interests of their beliefs and ideas at heart. But then it’s too late. Their lives have borne bitter fruit.
Your call.
Look for support groups in your community.
Act before its too late.
At least your kids are adults.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 29th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Debbie,
I can totally relate to what you’ve written. My husband started with smashing things in the house (always my things of course), then progressed to pushing and slapping. Then came the barrage of verbal abuse, calls me ‘filth’ all the time, says I have dirty blood and that this is what I deserve. We are also both religious but his take on religion is totally different. I feel for you. I don’t know how I can get out, I have 4 kids….. I’m so trapped. But you can get out. God knows what is in your heart and who is wrong. I wish you all the best.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Hi Debbie and anonymous,
Don’t settle for, “I can’t get out.” I know that there are circumstances that make it seem impossible to get out, but I try never to settle for those.
At the very least, keep a spark of independence and hope alive in your heart. Keep that spark alive in your children’s hearts.
Plan, plan, plan. It maybe that you’re planning to save your live before he crushes you physically or spiritually. Find allies, not critics.
Be brave and resolute. You know in your heart that you can’t stand the way he treats you. Don’t argue to try to convince him to change. Never give in.
Your kids need you to save them.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
July 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Hi Ben,
I too am in an abusive relationship. I have known my husband since I was 14 years old because his sister and I were friends. At the time I was not interested in him and shortly after he joined the Marine Corps. Some years later I ran into him and we started dating and two kids together and then I finally decided to marry him in spite of all the obvious signs.Now, It’s been 3 yrs and I am living in a hell on earth. He is now in law enforcement and I feel I have no one who will listen or believe me. He breaks every thing in the house and calls me names and yells in my face as if I am a crimnal or a dog on the street. He has grabbed and slapped me, but I called the police in the same precent where he works, so in fear of his ‘Golden Boy” reputation being tarneshed he hasn’t hit me since, now it’s all verbal and he threatens me that if i call the police on him, it’s my words against his and they will always side with him. Even when I did call them, they treated me as if I was the one in the wrong and he was the victim, which broke me down even more than I was because I felt as if I had no to help me. I have been out of work every since August of last year so after a long task with looking for work, I decided to go back to school and further my education, but things are even worse with that because he controls everything money, the car, etc. I have no say so in the house because he is now the one providing for us, in spite of the fact he suggested for me to just go back to school. I have never been the type to not have my own, and with his control on top of the abuse is unberable. I want to leave and move back to my hometown which is about 100 miles, but I am in school and only have 5 more months to go, so I have to much invested and the hours I am going being a full time student is even cutting down time to even try to find a part time job so that I can move out. I don’t know what to do at this point, I need some resolution to this or maybe if someone from the outside looking in can share how they got out a situation like this. i am so worried for my kids, because they are being exposed to all of this. I have two children that I had prior to us dating, and he treats them like they are not even a part of our family. His family hates me because he has told them so many lies about me to deflect the truth and make it seem as if I am the terrible person. I am so borken down right now and my heath and sanity are taking a hit. I know that people say I am stupid for being here this long, but I just honestl do not know how to get out. Please help me!!!!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Me and my husband we are married for only 2 years we are in our late 30′ ,he was really charming and nice he seemed to be protective at first and i liked that. Before i met him i was working 2 jobs to effort a nice life for myself. He is a successful professional and i really admired that ( i do have a degree back in my country but i can’t use it here) we had a lot in common and same intellectual level. I had a very high risk pregnancy and our son was very sick once he was born. That’s the reason i became a stay at home mom. Being so stressed out i did not even realize that once we got married we never had a join bank account or any property or credit card . I did confront him and he said way am i worry about that – implying that i got married for his money-and every time i went shopping i need it to ask him for money. He does control everything i buy and comments on prices even that he went grocery shopping 3 years ago last (prices are much higher now)All the time tells me that i do not know how people earn a paycheck even that i did support myself(plus my family back home) in America for 7 years before i met him. I have to justify every cent. I am not in touch with my friends no more ,i gave up because he always had something to comment . He’s very insecure and even that i never ever give him reasons, whenever i live the house i tell him what i do or where i am and who i meet( i think is normal to do so in a marriage )and i am very open i have nothing to hide.After the pregnancy i gained 15 extra lbs ( i was a size 2 before, now i am a 6) and because the stress i am under i can’t lose it – he tells me that i let myself go “who come for the other man before me you could be slim??? and for me you can’t loose to be like before???” this is how he puts it…i am shocked
Always complains that the house is not clean enough and that’s my only responsibility and ” since this baby that’s all you do and care” i am trying to explain him that’s true at the moment my baby is my priority , he needs me once he gets more healthy then would be different. I had to have some dental work done, some was cosmetic too but necessary and he keeps telling me ” who else would spend those money to get your teeth done??” Nothing is good enough always tells me what to do how to do it i wander how i could managed to survive before him…. I talked many times i do believe in communication expressing our feelings – pointless he told me this” what will you gonna do? live me? you have no money, no job and i am gonna get your son because i have the money and the judge will give me custody because you can not effort to raise a kid on yourself” I live for my baby he’s my life ( my husband has other kids from a previous marriage) i am so afraid I’ll loose my baby that’s the reason i stay. I wanted to go to school here he never supported me in this. I miss what i use to be, happy, optimistically, and beautiful ( for real i was)nowadays i am so depressed i feel suicidal sometimes but i have my baby that needs me so i need to be strong at leased maybe i can give my baby a better feature . I always wander if i leave him is gonna be good for me but what about my baby…what can i offer him? would be fair to take a future that holds so many opportunities from my baby? I was raised that sometimes you have to sacrifices you have to stay in a bad marriage just for the sack of children’s.My family would never approve a divorce but they would accept i guess. My husband thinks that i am to sensitive that he treats me ok is just in my head and i need professional help. Took me 1 month to convince him i need to go at gym to loose the extra lbs. He was saying i am wick if i would be ambitious i would not need to waist money at gym. If i do not clean or do something continuously in the house like yesterday i was checking something online he gets mad, he told me last night that he’s gonna disconnect the cable and the Internet because the house is all i have to worry. Sad hmmm. If you would see us you would think i nice accomplished successful man with a beautiful , trophy wife. Al our friends have no clue how controlling is and how i depend on his moods and i dance as he wants….I feel so low, i still have post partum depression i think , i cry continuous and i pray my baby boy to be ok.I ask him to go to counseling he’s laughing saying because i do not work i got spoiled that’s the reason i wanna waist money so easy on something stupid as therapy or counseling. Our marriage just looks so perfect , and i look as i hit the lottery with my handsome, young , rich husband….but i am so broken inside and so poor, if would be to leave him tonite i would be homeless because i do have Gucci shoes on , but not a dime in my name or a dollar in my wallet…
I just wanted to share my story too , makes me sick lying everyday
Please pray for me ,i fell so lost
July 15th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Hi Broken and Tired,
Given what you’ve said, I think you know what you must do.
You must be stronger, braver and more persevering than you ever thought you could. Make a plan and carry it out, no matter how hard, no matter how long. You know you can because there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Put up with it while you finish school. I assume that will help you get a job. Get help locally. There are usually women’s support groups. Sounds like you’ll have to move away (maybe to your hometown) because he’s on the police force. See a lawyer and plan moves so you can keep your kids.
You need work and a place to stay so you can get your life together. Don’t try to prove anything to people who won’t believe you – like him or his family. Find people who believe you and help you get going again.
Once you get away and get your life going, you can figure out what attracts you to men you know you shouldn’t be with. Find better men.
Hang in.
You have your whole, better life in front of you.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 15th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Hi Ira,
Taking what you’re saying at face value, you sound like you need a long term plan to get back in your feet – one step at a time.
Don’t try to convince him that he’s treating you badly. Don’t argue with his accusations. Just state that you’re not seeing other men – and of course, don’t see any.
Get your weight down.
Figure out how you can get some money. That’s worth arguing about. Everyone needs some money of their own to spend however they want. Or to save the money secretly for when they need it.
There’s one professional you need to see – a lawyer to find out what you can do and get if you divorce him. Find out if his threats about your son are accurate. Find out where he keeps all his money – even the money he hides – so you’ll know how much he has.
See if any of your friends will believe what he’s doing. He might ease up if he’d be embarrassed in public, but he’ll probably drop the friends and get new ones who will believe him.
Don’t let him isolate you. Find friends who believe you and might help you plan and act.
Once you get the information you need about the money and your son, then you can start asserting yourself. Then you might suggest counseling. He might listen to a counselor who takes your side – but a counselor who won’t take a side won’t be good for you.
Hang in and use your anger to keep you strong and persevering.
You still have a long life ahead and you can create a much better life.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 28th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Hi.
Like most of you, I am also in an abusive relationship.
He is from another country. I have tried to leave him once, but now I am back with him, and we are living together again. I have almost lost my job because of him, relocated and now he is here with me.
I finally left him the first time because of physical violence. I know I am foolish somewhere for being back with him, but he has these complex and very logical reasons for everything he does.
He constantly lectures me or “teaches” me things. He get’s mad at me at the drop of a hat, and constantly tells me how “moody” and “bad tempered” I am. We now live much closer to my family, but he only wants to see them a few times/year, and he doesn’t want me to do anything alone with them because “they are against this relationship”. I “can’t” stand-up to my family for him.
Forget any friends…I can’t even talk to people at work. He demands that I call him on every break – not that I don’t want to talk to him, but it’s like I can’t even sit down and have a break at work. I have a “bad past” and my friends only represent that and are all “sluts”. It really hurts so much to tell someone something in confidence, then to get stabbed in the back because of it and have it used against you constantly (I think that alone is a form of abuse).
He has zero trust in me, and tells me all the time that I do “nothing” to build trust. (I talk to my friends behind his back, actually only 2 of them. 1 I have known for nearly 15 years.) Other than that, and occassionally seeing my family (only with him) and talking to them on the phone, I sit home with him or alone or am at work. I have even told him that I would be just fine only talking to each of them on the phone occassionally. He would never ever ever allow this.
He has total control over the finances. Although, he will give me money if I need it, but he has to approve it, and regularly monitors my account (all shopping even clothes is done with him and to his approval). Whenever I get paid, I have to transfer everything except approved bill and gas money into his account.
I have run up a large debt due to him, and almost had my credit ruined. He is a hard-working person, and since we have been back together there has not been anymore physical violence, but he is very controlling.
I feel like such a loser and weak. I am starting to hate myself. I have started to feel mentally trapped – like knowing you are brainwashed and knowing you can’t let go. Like I cannot leave him or be away from him or I have severe anxiety i.e. I don’t hear from him for a few hours while he is at work, yet I feel happy when he leaves so I can be alone and do what I want at home. I know that I am developing mental illness from this relationship.
I cannot figure out if I am the problem.
I can only do a few things on my own. I use to love hiking and walking alone to clear my head and for the exercise (we live right next to a nice trail) – no allowed unless with him and then at a really slow pace or I am “trying to lose weight”. No gym anymore – I don’t eat enough and need to gain weight, but he can go because “men need to be strong”. He can do lots of things I can’t because I “bear children” and he doesn’t.
The hardest part is that whenever I show emotion or feel upset and show it, I am making “drama” and he threatens to leave me. But he can get mad at me at anytime (and does) and then will give me very logical and complete explanations as to why it’s my fault, or he was justified in doing or saying what he did.
I just sit here and try to understand what the reality of the situation is. How much of what he tells me is true? How much of what I feel and think is true? Am I causing the problems? Am I as “difficult to live with” as he explains. I always considered myself a curious, inquisitive, thinking, honest, fun, education and goal-oriented person.
Why does he have problems with me constantly?
I am starting to feel a lot of resentment and now real hate for him in my heart. I curse him in my mind in heart when we fight. I have even found myself praying that something terrible will happen to him to humble his arrogance, distrust of people, pride and temper, yet I feel like I love him alot and could not live without him.
I find myself wishing for my independence again, seeing my friends, family doing as I wish. But then I remember all the reasons he gave me i.e. I am getting too old to be alone and should be married, I will be alone my whole life and live like my “past” if I leave him, why am I “jumping in their lives” and giving them the “right to say things about our relationship”. He (classic abuse) criticises what I wear (no tank tops, no shorts, no high heels, no thongs etc.)….it goes on and on.
This is the general theme of our relationship:
If I would just “comply” and not be “difficult” and “respect” him, I would be so much better. I need to “fix” and “improve” myself and be better for him.
Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Hi Brain Washed,
Yes, I know … according to him, it’s entirely your fault. I doubt it but maybe … I can’t tell because I’m not there. It doesn’t matter.
Bullies always say that it’s your fault that they don’t like you and when they treat you bad. He’s a bullying, control freak.
So if you want to be treated differently, get out. Don’t argue or debate. Don’t listen to his reasons. Don’t listen to someone who doesn’t think much of you.
Take back control of yourself and your life. Take back control of who you see, who you talk to and your money. Get a job.
Once you get away you can figure out what’s wrong with you and straighten yourself out. Don’t pay attention to your feelings of being weak, hating yourself, etc. These feelings are just trying to motivate you to take action.
Take action. Of course it’ll take you lots of time to get away and get out of debt. You’re already alone when you’re with him and all the space is filled with him and his running you down.
The only way you’ll ever find someone good is to make space. And act the best way you know you want to.
Read some of the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”.
Create a joyous, bully-free life.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 12th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Wow for a second I was frightened – this story sound just like a friend of mine. Its said that this goes on in so many peoples lives. But really good article!
August 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Hi Holly,
Thanks for the comment.
But wait a second. Why were you frightened only for a second? If this goes on in your friend’s life, your friend needs to turn things around.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 13th, 2009 at 10:12 am
ive been with my husband 7 years he cant have children so i already had a littlt boy who he adores and he can be so loving to me at times .when he came to live with me i accepted that he had debt money doesent mean every thing i thought and he was also nice with my boy and still is i sometime think that he loves him more than me as he doesen seem to tolerat any thing i do an says he is not the effectionat person but he can be with my little boy ive gone with out some of the things i love because of his debt and ilook after him very well he also drinks and cant remember what he has said and he can become argumentive i dont no how to deal with this man . ican only think that ive seen how his mom treats his dad and feel i am getting punished as he referse to women in a unplesent way and were all out to hurt men please help
August 14th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Hi Debbie,
He may be loving to your son, but the way he loves you hurts. And you’re letting your son learn that it’s okay to bully his future girlfriends and wife.
You’re letting him suck your blood, like a vampire, and treat you bad.
You might have a key to understanding him in how he grew up but that doesn’t stop him.
It’s your choice – live with him this way forever (and set a bad example for your son) or make him stop right away or make distance.
In order to have a bully-free life, you have to insist that he change how he treats you and stops drinking – immediately. He can get all the counseling he wants but what matters is that he stops treating you bad right away. If you don’t make it happen, the chances are that your son won’t respect you when he grows up.
You want better. You want to make a bully-free island. If he won’t change, he’s voting himself off your island.
I assume that it’ll take very hard work for you to do it, but it’s the rest of your life that’s at stake.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
August 27th, 2009 at 10:33 am
My husband and I have been together for eleven years. He has always been controlling, but every step of the way I have told myself that he would change. I now realize that the chance of him changing is very slim. We recently had a son, he is 5 months old and he is more than I could have ever asked for. He truly lights up my life and fills me with joy. My husband is wonderful with him. My husband with me, however, is another story.
As I said, my husband has always been controlling. We have always done what he wanted to do, always associated with his friends and always spent time with his family. I have always gone along with this because I love him and I wanted to do anything I could to make him happy. When we spent time apart, that is when I would spend time with my family and do the things I enjoyed. He never wants to do anything that I enjoy. On holidays, I would spend time with him and his family and then I have to go off on my own to spend time with my family. He has a large exteneded italian family that does everything together and I have small extended family that, at the very least, makes sure that they get together at holidays and special occassions. My mom and I do (or did) spend a lot of time together.
My husband has always condemned my family because they don’t get together like his family does, so he shouldn’t have to shun his family when my family decides to get together. To my own fault, I’ve let this continue through the years. Now that we have a child I thought this would change, but it has gotten worse. I am constantly made to feel like I am worthless. I am told that I am nothing without him and that I came from nothing. I was on maternity leave for 14 weeks and was not allowed to go anywhere, and the only people allowed to visit were his family. This is my/our first child and I think there is something very special between a mother and a daughter when that daughter has their first child. I wasn’t permitted to experience that. My husband claims that my family is not family, that only his family is family because they are the ones that WE have spent time with up until now and my family isn’t going to come around now. I hide this from my mother because I know it would absolutely kill her to hear. It just breaks my heart every time I hear him call my mother scum and dirt and a nobody. And he does it every time I do something he doesn’t like or say something he doesn’t like. He says I make a big deal about our son spending time with his family and that I am jealous. Well, I would probably describe a part of it as jealousy, but it so much more than that. I could go on and with family details and fights about family versus family…it gets us nowhere.
My husband is the sweetest guy in the world one minute and the meanest, most cruel person you could ever meet another. He degrades me, tells me I’m worthless and that I came from nothing and would be nothing without him. He has thrown things and punched doors cause he “is so mad at me”. I work full time and have a good job. When I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, I was sad and I wanted more than anything to stay home. My husband would say that respectable people get up and go to work in the morning. So, I went and the first week I came home and cried nearly every night. He would take the baby from me until I stopped crying, and after a week he told me that if I came home crying again I would sorry. I’ve told him recently that I want a divorce. He tells me to go ahead, that I will never get custody of our son because his family is so great and no judge would turn against them, and my family is filth. I am an excellent mother and he knows that. I am a good person and have a good job and am fully able to support myself and our son. I don’t drink, which he does daily and on the weekends til he blacks out. I take care of the house and our family and shop for all of our needs. I don’t believe that a judge would take my child away from me, but I am scared. He is a powerful person.
I just don’t understand how someone that I love so much could say things like this to me and make me feel so worthless and broken down. I have done everything for him since the day we got together. I make sure his needs (and now our sons) are met before mine. I am just so lost and confused and tired and sad and hurt. I just can’t fight anymore. I don’t have the strength.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
i have been married close to 6 yrs now.i immigrated to usa when i got married to my husband from india.i cant make much sense of whatever’s going on in my life and what i should do.my husband does not physically abuse me but im a dentist from a foreign country and i have to go back to school and repeat as there is no reciprocation.being a very competitive field, i havent been able to get back into schoolinspite of getting moderate scores. i am still trying to get back but every instance my husband gets he brings up how useless and worthless i am for not having the ability to get back into dentistry.i am trying my very best.i want to make it through the exams and all but everytime i dont get great scores( taken it 3 times and made 79, 80 and 82%)he continues to put me down. everday i get reminded atleast once about how worthless i am over this.i dont have a job, no self esteem, no money,no friends.i always wonder where i can go because its getting to a point where i cant take it anymore.any advice?
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Hi Lost,
Taking what you say on face value and accepting that you’re a decent person – not a worthless, evil loser – I think you’re facing a wake-up call. And I’ll be brutally straightforward in defense of your spirit.
Be honest. You lied to yourself for 11 years because you weren’t taught any better. Your husband isn’t going to change (although there are numerous case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” in which husbands and boy-friends did change). He is who he is. There’s a false belief accepted by many well-meaning people that their love can change predators. This lion wants to devour you.
Everything you’ve done to make him happy didn’t get him to want to make you happy. Where did you get the idea that it was your job to make him happy and only if you made him happy enough would he be required to make you happy? Not even a son made him want to make you happy. He’s still trying to straighten you out … which means beat you into submission, so you’ll do everything his way.
When they throw temper tantrums, losers blame their wives.
If you stay, he’ll continue harassing, degrading and isolating you. Eventually, you’ll give up and your soul will shrivel up.
“What’s the price for tolerating bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!”
Why would you listen to the opinion of someone who harasses, degrades and isolates you? That’s accepting that he’s right.
Act now. Get outside legal information. See your own lawyer who is not connected with his family, and maybe lives in another town.
Find strength and courage. Get support through coaching and groups in your town.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Hi Ami,
This sounds bad, but, maybe, not hopeless.
Separate the problems with dentistry from the problem of how he bullies you.
Dentistry – you’re stuck with our system and working hard to get back into your profession. That’s difficult enough.
His bullying – His excuses and justifications for why he bullies you do NOT give him permission to be so nasty. Don’t debate about that. Simply demand that he stop treating you that way. His job is to be a good helpmate, and support and encourage you.
There are numerous case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” that will help you wise up. Look beyond physical bullying to the early warning signs of Stealth Bullies.
Give him a chance to change through couples counseling — as long as he stops putting you down immediately while you’re going through counseling.
If he won’t stop, you’d better get away before you have children and become even more economically dependent on him. I don’t know your predicament. You may need to plan and scheme to get free physically, emotionally and economically.
If you go down that path, you’ll probably need coaching to plan effective strategies. Get help.
Be brave and strong.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 26th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I have been married for 6 years to someone whom I dated in high school and a little bit beyond that time. I moved out of Province in 82. We reconnected through a website and to make a long story short, I moved to where he was and we got married. My first red flag was just before we got married, when he got very angry at me when I cut my finger trimming flowers and he had to drop what he was doing to take me to get stithes. His son who is in school and an adult lives with us. the verbal abuse has been horrible over the last 6 years. All the name calling and always over nothing, or nothing that had anything to do with me. I cant say how many times I felt crushed and battered in my mind. there has been some physical abuse as well. Pushing me around with his chest,striking out at me, choking me and a few pushes here and there. I have pushed him off of me a few times so he thinks that I abused him and whines about it. I have found out so many lies about him over the past 6 years I cant even speak. It is like I am in a movie and my whole married time with him has been one huge lie after another. We had a blow up 5 days ago. It was over something that had nothing to do with me. He called me useless, imcompetent, worthless, and many other choice swear names. He and his son often have made me the butt of their jokes and then say that they are just kidding. there is so much more my fingers may hurt if i write it all. I ignored him for 3 days, being gone all day while he was at work and then I would go to my job at 3pm, coming home quietly at 11 and locking my door, and doing this until he confronted me after 3 days and told me to leave ( although it was more of a scream fest for him with al the colorful words you can imagine. ) I had already, the day before, been to the place that supports abused women and told them my story. Since then, he has called me non stop on my cell and I finally called him back. He initially was angry, but cooled off continually asking me if that was “it” and I was not coming back. He asked me so many times it was almost weird. I asked him whyhe kept asking me the same question when i already gave him my answer. he said he was just giving me the opportunity to change my mind. He did not say antyhing like I love you, I miss you, please come home, or anything of the sort ( not that any of those things would have made any difference). When I was leaving the property that time he told me to get out, one of the things he said was ….”you have been replaced”. when I reminded him of that, he of course lied and said ” I said, you could be relpaced, not you ahve been replaced”. I ask anyone reading this to say those things out loud and tell me if there is a huge difference in words. I know what I heard and he was speaking loudly. He did say he was remorsefull and knows that he has hurt me, but thinks it is just because of last monday, not about all the many many other times i have been yelled at and abused.
I am at a friends house, and I am sure he knows where I am. I am safe and I am protected although often jittery and afraid. Knowing all the lies and things he has done, which I am just finding out now, makes me realize i dont know him at all and so I cannot say what he is capable of although I have seen him break things and go nuts.
I cannot make any decisions right now other than I KNOW I am not going back into that marriage no matter what. I am done and I am free and will be freer. I am not sleeping well, I am not eating as I have no appetite, I have a wonderful support system here where I live and around Canada and I am lucky. I want out, I used to be a happy person and know that I can find it again within me. I am not sure which way to go first, but I will keep checking with this website to see what other people do and say.
thank you for letting me vent. I need to release and I need to move on and not be afraid anymore
September 26th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Please help. I have a bad problem, my husband isn’t what i would have consitered abusive when i first met him and the first year of our marrige was great. When I had my first child we had been married about 7 months, when I was pregent with my second child we got into a verbl fight and he drug me out of the house. 2 years later i had another child, when she was 6 months old me and my husband got into a verbl fight and he through a chair at me and broke my arm. three years later witch just happened a month ago he broke my leg, just toight he tryed to strangle me.
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Hi Dori,
You’re describing one type of classic bully – verbal abuse, harassment, demeaning put-downs followed by “just kidding”, lies and physical violence. That’s balanced by his blaming on you (“it’s your fault”), whining, and feeling sorry for himself.
I’m so glad you can find a safe, protected place and support.
Stay courageous and strong and persevere. Don’t debate, don’t argue; don’t waste your time trying to convince him that it’s his fault.
You might hope that you’ve been replaced so he can turn his attention onto someone else. If he says, “You’ve been – or can be – replaced,” respond with, “Please go for it.”
This isn’t about dissecting the corpse of a rotten relationship. This is about you insisting that you having a bully-free island. This is about your taking charge of your island. You get to vote on who stays or goes and you don’t have to justify it; he doesn’t get to vote or to judge whether your reasons are logical or good enough for him.
Don’t believe his promises. Get completely free first (divorce) and then see if he wants to court you. Like a newborn deer, take tentative steps at first.
Get a lawyer so you can come away with what’s legally yours. Change your phone number and email address, tell them at work not to talk with him, and get a restraining order if you need.
You’ll see examples like Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Hi Going to Have a Baby,
Get away. See the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Be the first to go to the police. Stay calm and convincing. Get documentation, like hospital records.
Find a safe house and support.
Get a lawyer.
Your children need you to act systematically and safely.
Bullying is often multi-generational. Teach your children how to stand up to bullies and that bullies don’t win.
Of course, it’ll be difficult. Have courage, perseverance, resilience and great plan.
Good luck,
Ben
October 5th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
hi, i’ve been with my husband for 9 yrs. I’m early 30′s, we have boys, 2 and 6. My husband is a functional alcoholic. He taunts, he picks fights, he is verbally, emotionally and occassionaly physically abusive. He spends at least 2 nights away from home each week as part of his work. He was recently involved in an accident that made himm take stock of his life and he treated the kids and i the way i had always dreamed of…for three weeks until he went back to work. His lies are second nature to him, he knows how to hide his tracks, such as on the computer, what he is hiding around the house and what he’s been up to when he’s away. I can’t trust him, i’m scared of him and his moods, but yet his charisma seems so irresistable to me. we live in a different country to my family, i miss them all so much, we have moved around as part of his career since we got together, which i have supported him in, and i have recently started studying and luckily it is distance so it allows me to move around if i need to. i know he does try hard sometimes, and he can be so sweet and apologetic, i wonder if anyone out there has any success stories or is this just one big fantasy that will never work out? i feel so dazed and confused about what to do next… thanks for taking the time to read
October 8th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Hi Dazed,
Your husband sounds like a classic bully-abuser. He might apologize and straighten out for 3 weeks, but I don’t hear a concerted, ongoing attempt to change his behavior (no lies, no hiding tracks, no moods, no violence).
You can stay with him longer and try to enable-beg him to change, but 99%, you’re living in a fantasy. You’re isolated from your family and your previous support hasn’t won him to better behavior and never will.
You’re already planning to get independent, so deep in your heart of hearts you know where this is going.
If you stay:
1. You’re showing your sons that bullying wins and women stay. No matter what you say differently, that’s what they’ll learn. Do you want to teach them that?
2. You’re letting your soul shrivel. Never stay with someone you’re afraid of.
Forget his charisma. Look for love somewhere else.
It’s hard with kids, but it’ll be harder with 3 of them. Make a stepwise plan.
See the studies of Jean, Lucy and Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” for some variants on your theme.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 8th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
im petrified of cruel abusive husband its so bad but i have no money to pay rent anywhere else .he controls everything house and moneyon top of that my mom would be so embarrased if her daughter leaves as we are sikhs culture ill be banned and ridiculed couldn;t hold on to my husband -but he is stubborn alcoholic that functions well -looks -successful im unwell on disability will lose everything if i leave him my security of warm home -also he would find me and kill me his temper is vicious – but -hes nice to all outsiders most people like him i need revenge just to fix him up i dont mean hurt him but just something to help me feel like a human being again – i been married to monster for 44 uears im 63 he is 68 strong as an ox i wish god would help
October 10th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Ami–I was really compelled and touched by your story. I to am going thru the very same thing right now. In fact it is midnight and my husband is downstairs with about 15 beers under his belt. I would love to chat email me mgmtteam@ live. com
October 12th, 2009 at 1:59 am
Wow,
Although its sad to read, its in a weird way a comfort to know others are facing the same nightmare I am. My husband is very controlling, I beleive he has a strong hate for women, and looks at me only for the money I can make to someday support him. He has bounced from Job to Job…state to state in the almost 5 years we have been married..making it harder each time for me to find the high paying Job I once held. currently we are in Oklahoma, a move from California..I am on unemployment, the wages here are substantially lower, and he wants me to find an “Owner/CEO” of a business, and tell them how wonderful I am and make them pay me $45,000 a year. I pay all the utilities, groceries and petcare needs. which eats up most of my unemployment. I am not allowed to ever see his paycheck,bank account, or ask him for money, I am to live on what I make, and he makes damn sure I have nothing extra for me. Its like he creates situations for me to be dependent on him, so he can remind me how worthless I am. He tells me I need to get a job soon that is acceptable to him, or he will move out of the apartment, and I will be left to survive on my own. I have learned to try and keep my reaction of panic inside and not share it with him, because I really think he takes great joy in causing pain and fear in me..how can a husband become a monster like this? it seems it happened without me noticing, then one day…I was under his control…I think what hurts the most, is he has used sex and intimacy as part of his control. 4 years out of the 5 we have been married he has with held sex, hugs, kisses, saying he doesn’t like any of that stuff. If I want it…divorce him..find a fool who will put up with a woman who doesn’t work…I do everything I can to make up for not working, he wants for nothing.. he does not life a finger around the house, he works comes home and sits in his chair and I wait on him hand and foot. The lastest episode is we went to the casino for a few hours, he knew I had no money, because I spend all mine on bills..he makes really good money..and only contributes $589 a month for the rent…the rest is his spending money…he brings home roughly $1700 a week…do the math..but if he gives me $20…I am obligated to pay him back…and with the money he gives me…he tells me what I am allowed to do with it at the casino…or at the fast food place…or walmart…he said when I MAKE the money I can decide how to spend it…I spend wakeless hours trying to figure out how…it got this bad, and my family is now 1700 miles away…I am almost losing my car, because I can’t afford it on unemployment, and he doesn’t think he needs to help…we have not filed income tax in 3 years…and he doesn’t feel the need to carry car insurance or medical insurance…he said he doesn’t need it..and he is not wasting money on me having them…I am almost 48…I feel trapped, confused, and at times suisidal…it seems the only way out…even if I am lucky enough to just “Leave” I can’t afford to drive back to Calif…and even if I do beg, borrow and steal the gas money…I walk away from all of my belongings I can’t fit in my car…thats devastating to me….He says he doesn’t need anyone…the move to oklahoma has proved finacially beneficial to him….so he reminds me he can afford a house maid…he doesn’t need the responsibility of a wife…Sometimes I find myself wishing bad on him…I can’t be happy for his success, because that means he gets meaner…what mess I have put myself in…thanks for listening…I sure could use the knowledge of some of those tools for coping, he makes me doubt myself, and my self worth constantly..He will not accept “NO” and I am not allowed to show emotion or talk about my concerns with him..he has been phyically violent at times…so I know what buttons to avoid..but its sure no way to live…My friend says he makes himself feel like a man by putting me down…he had a horrible 1st marraige…she claimed he was abusive…I didn’t beleive her….now I do..leopards do not change thier spots…We were shopping for furniture..as we did not bring any with us from Calif…he wants to purchase a recliner..$999…he said he can’t get me a chair..(Mind you I would be happy with a cheap $150 something…to sit on…I sit in the floor to watch tv…) He said well…when you get a job you can have a chair…I feel like I am a slave..that is not intitaled to any comforts or pleasures in life…How can him treating me like this bring him joy…its almost like he is “sick” in his head…any advice would be appreciated…or just plain ole support..its lonely when the only person you know in a new strange state…is more like your capture…
Cassie
October 12th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Hi,
Please help me. I have a lovely 21 month daughter and she loves her dad and nneds him. I want my marriage to work.
My husband constantly says to me ” do as I say”, ” you don’t listen to me”, ” shut your mouth”, ” bitch”, ” bastard” and al sort of names… I can’t take it anymore. If I say something back, then he abuses my family and hits me with belt, sometimes on my head with buckle. Few days ago he punched me in stomach. But its not the physical pain that hurts me, its the abuses that really kill me.
Everytime he smokes, he’s very nice. the moment he quits or needs one, he’s back to his abusive ways.
I am a full-time, young mum with a toddler at home. i do everything at home from cleaning to cookign to bills, everything. I get no help. But that’s fine too. All I want is just some respect from my partner. Confronting him is no option. I try to just listen to him and follow him blindly, but I can’t stick to it. My self-respect doesn’t allow it. I love him but I hate him too. Please advise what should I do. leaving him is not an option.
October 12th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Hi Jackie,
By accepting his bullying and abuse (for all your good reasons) you dug yourself a huge hole.
The deeper the hole, the more effort and usually, the longer you have to persevere in order to get out.
You have a simple but difficult choice to make:
1. Pray to God to kill him or make him a vegetable to solve your problem or
2. Get some little revenge or vent to people, but don’t change anything, followed by a life of suffering or
3. Live according to the wishes of others – your mother, Sikh ideas/beliefs/culture – or your own fears or
4. Make secret plans, even though you’re partly disabled, and get away and start a different life for your last 10, 20, 30, 40 years.
There’s no help for you until you make the decision. Then you can get support.
See the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Hi Christy,
Thanks for finding Ami,
And be careful. If you vent and commiserate too much, you may lose the driving energy to do something about the situation or to get away from it.
The purpose of talking and sympathizing is to help us develop the strength and courage, and to learn the skills we need.
Remember: What’s the cost of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Hi Cassie,
Don’t try to explain or understand him; he is what he is – you got him that way and you didn’t heed the early warning signs. You’ll never do anything good enough to change his behavior. Stealth bullies like him don’t change.
It’s this bad because you accepted it – step by step.
Don’t stay like a slave. Get away before you have children. Take steps, even if it takes you a year, to move to where you can get a job to support yourself. Your future is calling to you. Do what your future demands of you.
Listen to the call of your soul.
Read “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”
Get coaching.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Hi CK,
I’m sorry, but if leaving him is not an option, you’re not only setting yourself up for abuse and battering for life, but you’re also teaching your daughter that that’s what women take from men and that bullies win. No matter what you say, that’s what she’ll learn.
Bullying is multi-generational; so is being a victim. Stopping the cycle is more important than her need for a bullying, battering, abusive father.
When he hits you, call the police. Be as calm as you can and convince them that he’s beating you. Get support from battered women’s groups in your town. Plan ahead.
Act before you have another child.
Good luck,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Hi Ben,
Thanks for the reply. I have called the police twice but not pressed charges. I feel guilty after calling them. I really love him and dont want to do this to him. I know what he’s doing is wrong but i dont want to be wrong.
I’m from Indian origin, once his mum was over here with us, and he hit me because of her and i called police and I moved out. He convinced me adn got me back home. But since them I’m subject of his family’s taunts and they are still very angry for me for calling police.
I am an independent woman, he’s no issues with that. Infact he wants me to work. perhaps for the money! But I still love him and just want things to settle. Isn’t there any other solution to this apart from seperation?
Thanks
CK
October 14th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Hi CK,
With abusive, bullying spouses like your husband, learning is all or none. They don’t learn from half measures like calling the police but not filing charges, or by accepting apologies and promises without real consequences, like divorce. They might change for a little while but then they fall back.
It’s your choice, but if you stay, don’t expect him to change.
I think you might take a hard look at what you call love. Is it just an emotion? You might also look at how you love yourself.
There are still hints like when you think it’s important that he doesn’t mind your being economically independent. True independence is where you behavior first. And vote people on or off your island depending on how they treat you.
See many of the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in heir Tracks” and the story of Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Wise Up.”
I do a lot of coaching by phone, but you may need to find a good local coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 9th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Things I don’t like about my husband
Telling me to only drive the care twice a week, and I am using up all the gas.
Disrespect me
Don’t support me when the kid are misbehaving
13 year seals my clothes goes on computer without our premission, I punish her by telling her she can’t go on the computer on the weekend. You are always in disagreement even in front of the kids! So I changed the pw on the computer and she is trying to figure it out. I put her on punishment again. I even tried to pop and she went for me and you are comforting her and not telling her not to act like the to there mother. Instead she gets extra hugs!
Stop shouting at me in front of the kids
Stop being controlling
How can you perceive everything is fine if we are here
I think that if the kids have done something wrong and they should not be confiscated for doing something wrong
You have changed in a couple of months you use to be supportive with me regarding the kids but now you are not
Be kind
Don’t you spend another dime out of the account
I told you not to take any money out the account at the end of the month! 18 September.
He said, I am going to the store! when I said my daughter and I was going out
Told me my cousin does not have a man and can’t keep a man and she wants company, he also called her name in front of the kids!
You are listening to your friends and are they going to take care of you?
Told me that I had a responsibility in this house, then my daughter interrupted and say yes mummy you have responsibilities in the house
Told me I could leave if I didn’t want to say anything and come back when I was going to talk
Told me its not fare to take it out on the kids because he the one who hurt me
Told me he is sick of taking care of me
Told me that I am neglecting the kids
Told me not to drive the car
Get out the car!
I might as well stay at home
I need to move on like what the Police Office said.
He was trying to protect his daughter.
Everything will have to stop next week he is not putting up with this
you always want everyone to change but you don’t want to change
Everything thing is you
This house is your responsibilities you have to do your share
You going to make lousy $30 at her house
Told me he only agrees with the first line that said I should not hit him under no circumstances. Result next time will end in divorce
He said calling me a gurkt was not filtered or neglective when he was growing up so he does not think there’s anything wrong with calling me that.
I am tried of taking care of you
I am tried of you relying on me
Always deeming me in front of the kids
when are you going to clean the bath?
you took your allowance, I thought you would have done it
He let the 9 year old clean behind the stove and refrigerator
He was saying that he knows everything what is going on in the house
He does not like looking after 4 dependents in the household
He wants everywhere I am going to find out if I am using up the gas, because he is paying for it.
I should find a different way of discipline the kids because what I am doing is not working. Even though I said I have tried everything else and I told him he was not there. He said he was there, and did know everything that went on
I told him I don’t feel he is sorry
He said he still have to live, take care of the bills, and go to work
Selena had a scratch; and he wanted to know if I did it in anger!
Parental issue
Shantelle is telling lies, and my husband won’t let her take responsibility for her lies. He does not want her to admit she is lying and says that he understand that she maybe going through pre pressure at school. I felt really hurt when I told her she should be ashamed of herself and she told me she was not ashamed of herself.
My husband then said her hormones are going crazy and said that women have emotions when men go by sight.
He told me that what happens in our house stays in our house and I should not be sharing our business with anyone.
My thoughts with this is that if my husband was was supportive of me regarding our kids I would not have to go outside to have my friends support. I feel alone when it comes to the kids. I don’t usually have his deviant support, and his support is more damaging then healing to the kids needs. He comforts them for their bad behavior.
My husband is taking his travel business more seriously then this issue we are having in our marriage. He is consistently making his business calls even when he was shouting at me….
Sick eg Shanice medication Asthma
My 13 year old had a temperature and headache for 3 days, then he sent her to school I was not at home that day
November 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Hi Mary,
What a mess. If you’ve talked to a police officer, I assume there’s been physical violence or loud enough fighting to call them.
While there’s always two sides to every argument, that doesn’t make both sides true or equal. I’m not there so I can’t give advice.
I do have to ask: What do you want in your life? Do you want to live another 10 years in these fights? What kind of talk will you allow in your personal space?
Of course the children disrespect you; they see him doing that. Of course the children take sides with the one who lets them do what they want.
You have to decide what you want in your life. Don’t try to win arguments with him. He’s clear; he’s not going to change, he wants you to deal with this so he’s not bothered but the kids will drag him in.
Find a local support group and a coach.
Take change of your life. Be strong and brave. We all had ancestors who overcame all odds. You’ll have to become like them.
Good luck,
Ben
November 12th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I had read your warning signs for a controlling husband and though my husband doesn’t feel that he’s abusive (verbally) or controlling in any way or there’s nothing major wrong in our relationship, he fits several of your warning signs.
He regularly threatens to leave our marriage (we have a young son) more so when he is going to lose an argument or not get ‘his’ way. He’s told me several times that I cannot live without him, that I cannot afford anything, etc. He threatens to take my son from me. During our most recent argument I was told that he wouldn’t see our son as much if he left. To which I responded that it’s not right for us to be miserable. He regularly tells me that things have to be ‘my way or the highway’ and I pointed out to him that my opinion doesn’t really matter in our household because he controls everything. He also regularly tells me that I’m lazy and when I do do the things he’s asked me to that I ‘half-ass’ them, etc.
I’m really at my wits end and do not know what to do.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Hi Amanda,
Straightforward.
Unimportant:
1. What he believes he is or isn’t.
2. Warning signs I’ve collected from my professional experience.
Important:
What you want in your personal space, life? What you’ll tolerate.
Do you want your son to grow up thinking and acting the way his father does? Do you want to live with someone who controls everything? Are you really lazy and do everything “half-assed?”
Take charge of your space; stop waiting for him to agree.
See the case studies of Lucy and Jean in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
See the study of Grace getting free from her stealth bullying husband in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
Get a coach. Get local support.
It’s your life, your call. What behavior will you allow on your island? Only you get to vote.
Decide. Then you can plan tactics.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 19th, 2009 at 10:55 am
dear ben i have been married for 14 yrs he left 6 months ago and has not sppoken to me
he was verbally abusive and physically abusive he controls everyhting snd yet is so convincing and makes me look and feel controlling he hit me so bad ina car with our 7 yr old daughter on my lap that i could nt see and was so hurt on my arm that the swelling and bruising lasted for weeks
i waS SO SCARED I WENT TO THE DOCTOR WHO CALLED THE POLICE AND I SPOKE TO THEM I BELIEVED THAT ACTION HAS SAVED MY LIFE
my family support me but the community believe him and judge me as i am not suppoed to go to the police
i feel so gulity and confused i want him to change and realise he cant treat me this wayhe has people wghp
November 19th, 2009 at 10:56 am
he has people who work for him who also bullied me into beliving it was all my fault i am still scared
November 21st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Hi anonymous,
I’ll be straightforward.
He won’t change. Be glad that he left. Stay away safely with your daughter. Get a restraining order. Get local support from battered women’s groups.
Only be around people who believe you and will help you.
Get over your old rules and feelings. If he wasn’t acting in self defense – you didn’t come after him with a knife while you were holding your daughter in the car, did you? – get rid of your guilt. Believe yourself, not his friends or people who work for him.
I know he’ll blame his verbal and physical abuse on you. Don’t try to win the argument. Keep him off your island, whether he likes it or not.
Create a bully-free island.
Get a lawyer. Get a good coach.
Read the case study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their tracks.” Read Grace’s story in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
If the community takes his side, move away and create a community that opens its heart to you and your daughter.
Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it’s okay for men to treat her that way? No matter what you say, she’ll learn by what you do.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 29th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I’ve been married for seven years to a man who is a bully in every sense of the word. I am on the verge of leaving him, but keep getting held back in my own mind because he thinks the way he acts toward me is fine. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. In addition, his bullying goes in cycles– right now he’s in a phase where he isn’t really controlling or bullying me, but it will return; however, the “good times” make it harder to leave. I am also afraid that if I leave, he will become extremely vindictive toward me or violent toward himself. (I told him a few months ago that I was very unhappy and he said that if I left, he might as well put his shotgun in his mouth and pull the trigger. He repeated this statement several times and told me he was not exaggerating.) He definitely will not understand why I am leaving.
I have been WAITING for some kind of last straw or kick in the butt from the universe that will get me out the door. I have a job; we have no kids; it shouldn’t be that difficult, but it seems almost impossible. I feel paralyzed by my inaction.
So why am I leaving? These aren’t in any particular order but:
-He freely indulges his bad moods when he’s around me; I constantly have to listen to his rants and raves about whatever is upsetting him. However, if I express any kind of unhappiness or negativity, he says I’m being a bitch.
-He has terrible road rage. He justifies it because he spends a lot of time on the road.
-He makes horrible racist comments on a daily basis. He makes crude anti-woman comments on a daily basis.
-He refuses to wear a seatbelt or have any kind of regular medical checkup, and is 30 pounds overweight. He tells me that my worries about his health are my problem, not his.
-He insists on controlling our finances but spends recklessly.
-He physically punishes our dog in a way that I think is too harsh. Then he gets frustrated with me because I will not “discipline” the dog. He has stood over me and insisted that I yell at the dog when the dog has been bad.
-He thinks I am too shy and he has tried many times to cure this by forcing me to talk to people; for example, insisting that I go up to the clerk in a store and ask a question. I once told him that I don’t appreciate his efforts to change me and he said, “I’m not trying to change you– I’m just trying to change the negative things about you.”
-All of our daily activities revolve around his interests and his schedule. He becomes frustrated and impatient if we do something I want to do.
-He has totally isolated me from my family by employing various tactics, such as refusing to speak when they come over to our house; being very rude to my father; not returning my mom’s phone calls; etc. They no longer feel welcome at our house.
I could go on and on but you get the picture. The worst part is that I have ALLOWED him to treat me this way. I am as much to blame as he is. I am having a terrible time.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Hi Struggling,
You have him figured out. Now act. Take charge of your Island. Vote him off.
He doesn’t get to vote. Don’t waste your time trying to get him to understand and agree. Don’t give him your money. Who cares if he’s angry? Just tell him and get it done with.
He’s a bullying control-freak. Get him gone before you’re broke and have kids. Give yourself a chance to create good times with someone else. Find someone who admires you and supports your interests.
Be stronger than your inertia and guilt. You’re not responsible if he shoots himself. He has a choice. Those threats are emotional blackmail. When you get rid of him, tell the cops about his threats. See what they think.
The big question: “What kind of behavior do you want on your Island?” We know it’s not his.
Connect with family and friends.
He’ll try to blame on you and take everything. Get a strong lawyer.
Get an on-going coach to deal with each issue and each hesitation while (not just before) you get free.
Read the cases of Brandi and Lucy in How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Read about Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
Your future is calling to you. Have courage, strength and gritty.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 am
why do we stay.? these stories are so sad. Im going
to divorce my control freak..hes a bully and a coward.doesnt apologize. I will be free and happy and never be with someone like that again..I hope everyone can find peace.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Hi Sarah,
Why do we stay? Good question, but I prefer, “What to I need to do right now to take my next step to get free?” I find analysis paralysis often gets in the way.
Apologies would be nice, but only behavior change counts!
And good for you for getting free of him. Since he’s a control-freak, bully and coward, you’d better get a lawyer who’ll protect you in court.
It’s your island! See “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 13th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Well, I never thought I would be telling my abusive husband story but here goes. After a (now seen) brief 8 monthes of dating we got married. I have two businesses and he moved in with me. He works very hard but here’s the clincher…he was in prison for almost 20 years for accidently killing his best friend. Funny part is, I figured if the state gave him another chance then everyone elsle should too. At all appearances, you would never know he had ever been in prison. He went in 19 and came out 38 and married. His first wife was 17 years older than him and married him the last 6 years he was in prison. She kicked him out 3 times and the last time he met me…then she wanted him back for financial reasons. She never told anyone if he was abusive to her but she did complain about his drinking. He is a heavy drinker…few days go by that he doesn’t drink but the real problem is when he drinks hard liquor. His father was a very abusive alcoholic who tortured him and his 3 sisters for the 13 years before his Mom finally left. He has never actually hit me but he blocks my way, tries to hem me up in our walk in closet or bathroom, gets up in my face, cusses me and shoves and drags me around. He will not let me out of his site and certainly won’t let me use the phone. If I call the police he would more than likely go back to prison and I really don’t want that to happen but I am scared of him. He is not bad all the time but when it’s bad it’s really bad. I will have to get him out of my house and I live in a very remote place and far away from any law enforcement. One time HE actually called the cops and they did not come out because he answered the phone when they called back and said everything was okay. Great police force eh? I also know he shot my pig and possibly took my favorite cat off. My friends cannot stand him anymore and are on me to make him leave. I want to and am doing some major planning right now but am also waiting on the next blowup and I KNOW it’s going to happen. I could go to his parole officer but I really don’t want him to return to prison, even though he is mean to me, he is a valued employee and good friend to others. He doesn’t deserve to go back to prison but if I ever threaten to call the police he totally freaks out. Some of my friends suggest that I fight back but I feel that will only make it worse. Any advice??
December 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Hi Elliemae,
I’ll be straight forward. You already know the answer. Where do you think this relationship is going? Do you think it’ll get better? Magical thinking!
Take the responsibility for protecting yourself. Don’t be afraid. Step up to your own strength or live in relationship hell for the rest of your life.
You’re not responsible for the bind (prison) his past behavior has put him in … that his present bullying may get him.
What did you do wrong? Often, nice people don’t want to jump in too fast and kick someone off their island. In my informal surveys, most nice people wait too long. They ignore the signs, so they end up being bullied for years. They’re too nice and they don’t protect themselves. They forget that they must get predators off their island. A predator with a few good traits is still a predator.
His going back to prison is NOT your look-out. That’s why we made laws to take that decision out of the hands of the nice, sweet targets of these abusive bullies. You real decision is about whether to save yourself by getting him off your island.
See the case studies in my book “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 31st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
i have a question..how do you get your life back when your abuser leaves…what if he tells you its your fault he left, and now he lives across the street..i have put up with a lot in the past 12 years and now i live in fear of loosing my kids and i find myself watching the various girls he brings home wondering why did he leave his family for parties and women..how do i get out of this mind game trap…
January 4th, 2010 at 6:04 am
Jamie says
Hi all.
It saddens me to hear so many stories of mental abuse and yet unfortunately it does not surprise me.
I too was a victim of psychological domestic violence. To make matters worse my husband, like Debbie’s, was addicted to cyber porn and often locked me and the children out of rooms in the house as well as out of the house itself when he was masturbating to this. Instead of cherishing me as his wife he put me down, called me names like stupid, fat and ugly, although I am none of these.
Eventually I was left with no choice but to leave him when I found out he had been cheating as well as all the other stuff.
After he breached a protection order twice the real heartbreaking news hit the fan. I found out he had begun sexually abusing my children. I had always had a hunch something was up but you know I never actually thought he was doing that.
Perhaps unsurprisingly he went on to serve time for sexually violating against another minor.
Recently I have written a book about my life experience called soul crushers – soulcrushersbook.webs.com. Please feel free to check out my website and leave a comment about anything to do with domestic violence. Also check out the Power and Control wheel – just google it on the net. I found this to be an extremely helpful tool in diagnosing psychological abuse.
The only advice I could ever give any one in a similar position like I was in is get out. Don’t kid yourself like I did, believing he would change – he is not. And when he says he is sorry – remember without evidence of change sorry is just an empty word.
So here it is in black and white – if abuse doesn’t kill you physically it will kill you mentally and spiritually. He will have your head goin’ round in circles until you think you are the crazy one. He will crush you because that is what soul crushers do. And another thing – remember -our children suffer when we suffer. I hope that helps.
I sooooo wish everybody all the best.
January 7th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Hi Anonymous,
When you divorce him, you also divorce his opinions actions. Why listen to the self-serving opinions of a bully, an abuser? Ignore what bullies and abusers say.
Get a good lawyer who’ll tell you what to do to keep your kids.
Work hard to so you can create your own wonderful life. Throw yourself into it 110% so you have less and less time and interest in him.
I know that’s easy for me to say and hard for you to do: Especially when you see him, which triggers the old feelings and patterns. So what if it’s hard? It’s what must be done. He won’t go away on his own.
That’s how you get your life back – you take it back one day, one act at a time.
Eventually you move away and get a restraining order so that he can’t live right across the street.
Right now he thinks he can wear you down. Don’t let him. You must be tougher and stronger that he is.
Look down on him, like you’d look down on a jerk that leaves his family for girls and parties. Help your kids look down on his way of being.
Read, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
January 7th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Hi Jamie,
Right: “The only advice I could ever give any one in a similar position like I was in is get out. Don’t kid yourself like I did, believing he would change – he is not. And when he says he is sorry – remember without evidence of change sorry is just an empty word.”
Read the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Words don’t count; only action counts.
Don’t let anybody crush your soul. Never, never, never give up (quoting Winston Churchill). Teach your children to be invulnerable also. Many, many great people grew up in horrible situations (like Churchill did) but they become invulnerable to the opinions of bullies, abusers and creeps.
It’s not easy, but it’s the only way.
Put his words and deeds out of sight, out of mind. Divorce means that you turn your back on a bully and abuser. Get away to a life of your own. Don’t let his self-serving opinions count. Protect yourself from his actions.
Teach your children to do the same.
Never let your soul be crushed.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 28th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
my husband bullies me in texts and verbal and hits me i dont wanna lose him plz help
January 29th, 2010 at 11:57 am
Hi,
My husband is in canada , am in USA with our 2 kids. My husband is a contral freak and is a abuser. He calls me and abuses, He vene calls my parents in India and abuses them as well.
What can be done to stop him?
January 29th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Hi Sharon,
He hits, he bullies you verbally and in texts — why not lose him?
I assume you’ve asked him, begged him, threatened him, forgiven him — and he still does it.
You have nothing worthwhile to lose and the whole rest of your life to gain.
Until you’re ready to lose him, any advice is wasted – you won’t carry it out effectively and he won’t stop.
Sorry, but that’s the truth.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 29th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Hi looking,
Don’t give in. I assume you’ve asked him, begged him, threatened him, forgiven him — and he still does it.
If you don’t have immigration issues, be glad he’s in Canada and you’re in the USA. Get a coach and create a plan to get economically free so you can take care of your two kids.
If they can, have your parents record his abusive calls and send you copies. Or else, have them walk away and let him abuse the air.
Read the case studies in “Bullies Below the Radar” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Notice that I didn’t even say anything about whether or not you did something bad or wrong. Don’t accept abuse. Don’t allow him to
“Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore
If he won’t sing your song, vote him off your isle.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 16th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
Thank you Ben and all the women on this blog for sharing your stories. It helps me to feel less alone.
I have an abusive husband as well – he has been “training” me to how he wants things done since we were dating – everything from when I should take a shower to cooking him a meal when I come home from work with a ten hour day and a long commute while he has been at home in his pajamas for the last few hours. He is mostly verbally & emotionally abusive – always finding something wrong with what I said or did, calling me bad names, always accusing me of sleeping around, controlling when I can see anyone from my friends to my mother, having tantrums when I do not behave the way he thinks I should behave, among other things. I have been physically abused a few times as well. And he has a mistress that he took on vacation just this past summer.
I try not to talk to my friends or my mother about it because I am near forty and should know better. But some threats that he has acted on in the past scare me into staying where I am. In addition my mother in law tells me that I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. It is true that he loves the children but I feel like I am paying the price. I pray everyday to have the courage to go – and to someday feel sane and whole again.
Keep the faith ladies.
February 17th, 2010 at 4:15 am
I would like to share my story.
I’m in my second marriage (I have 3 teenage kids from my 1st marriage) and my husband has 2 sons (both in their early teens as well)
My husband is very controlling and self centered. He’s not physically violent but knows how to manipulate, even silently. He want everything done his way and gets extremely upset if everyone doesnt live up to his expectations.
He’s not happy with just us in the bedroom, he wants weird sex things (threesomes,bi things) and he HATES it that I’m not interested. He wants to hear my fantasies, but then he wants to make them reality, which I concider absurd! Fantasies are just fantasies. He makes plans for us to meet other people for having sex with them(not even talking to me about it!)! And when I say NO, he gets angry, abusive, and starts ignoring and resenting.
Since we both work and I do most of the house work, he has alot of time for himself -he uses that to play soccer, hockey, going to the gym etc.
I’m always left with all the work and dog walking. And now as a new thing, he said I should exercise more. When? In the middle of the night? I think I look fine, I’m skinny and healthy. I used to race on a road bike up until the last few years. I stopped because it was too much with everything else. I have also given up music, because he gets annoyed listening to it, my arts and crafts, because he doesnt want my mess lying around, my friends, because I dont have time. What more does he want? I cant take this anymore, I want to claim my life back.
February 17th, 2010 at 5:55 am
I would like to add a few more things. I think I’m a good respectable person and I have skills which I enjoy. I’m creative and intelligent.
During the last few years I have found myself on the verge of depression, due to the fact that I dont have any reasonable outlets to my creativity.I hate it that I have to walk on egg shells in my own home, trying not to bother him. And I’m frustrated that we cant talk about any of this because he says it’s all in my head and I’m making myself miserable by thinking this way.He takes no resposibility of our relationship. He always has the right to feel hurt and angry if I bring up something that bothers me. Apologizing is a skill that he never bothered to learn, because he is the center of the universe/perfect/ Gods gift to woman kind.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Hi Hurting Too,
Glad you can see the pattern:
• “He’s been training” you.
• He controls when “I should take a shower to cooking him a meal when I come home from work.”
• “He is mostly verbally & emotionally abusive – always finding something wrong with what I said or did, calling me bad names, always accusing me of sleeping around.”
• He’s “controlling when I can see anyone from my friends to my mother.”
• He has “tantrums when I do not behave the way he thinks I should behave.”
• “And he has a mistress that he took on vacation just this past summer.”
As I show in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” when you say, “I have been physically abused a few times as well,” that falls into the category of “one-strike you’re out.”
Then when you say, “But some threats that he has acted on in the past scare me into staying where I am,” I have to say, “It won’t get better, it’ll probably get worse.
See the case study of Alicia in, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Your mother-in-law is biased and wrong. Probably, she was part of training him that his behavior was okay. Yuk!
I’m judgmental and fierce! He doesn’t love his children enough to teach them better. He doesn’t love them enough for him to learn better. He’s gotten away with this behavior because it’s worked. He’ll continue until it stops working.
If you really love your children set a good example for them. Get away. Get them away. Show boys that bullying won’t be tolerated. Show girls that they don’t have to accept bullying.
I know that it’s hard. You need a great coach to keep you courage, determination, strength and perseverance up. You need a great plan before you act. You’ll need support locally (probably not his mother).
Hang in and Best wishes,
Ben
February 17th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Hi Adea,
I’ll be straightforward and make some guesses.
You do have a problem: you haven’t taken charge of your personal island yet! You’re still in a debate, trying to convince him to give you permission to create the life you want without being hassled.
Don’t give up your life any more. Take charge of your personal island. Trying to please him goes against your spirit and your spirit is finally rebelling. Good for your spirit.
Take your life back. For some examples, see the study of Jean in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” She even had step-children. Or Lucy, who was hassled for taking her life back. Your decisions might be different from theirs. That’s okay. We each have different paths.
Stop arguing and debating. Simply act. So what if he argues or blows up. It’s not about who’s right or who’s fault or blame. It’s about your creating the island you want.
Set a good example for the boys that controlling doesn’t work and for the girls that they don’t have to give in to bullying controllers.
The chances are that he won’t stay on your island or that you’ll vote him off. The chances are that he’ll find other ways to do what he wants about sex.
So what if you have your island full of people who act the way you want, full of you living a rich and full life.
Get help and support.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 26th, 2010 at 8:06 am
So, like all of the women who have written here, I, too, was stupid and fat and ugly. (I wear a size 8, I was once a runway model and I have a very high I.Q.) However, I heard these comments so often that I actually believed them. I was also a horrible housecleaner and cook. So, he had to move his mother into our house to teach me. His mother also abused me emotionally. It was like they tag-teamed me. She would take my children out of my arms because she could care for them better than I could. All of my ideas were rediculous. I tolerated this behavior for ten years! For ten years of my life, I had no control over anything. His mother would even go through my closet and throw away my clothes that she did not like. She went through my jewelry box and wore my engagement ring.
He was a narcissistic, alcoholic, controlling freak and he liked to set up cyber porn accounts with my name and picture so that he could find lesbians to chat with. He cheated on our marriage for the entire ten years but he covered his tracks so well that I didn’t find out the extent of his affairs until after we had already seperated.
So, here’s the thing. I found out accidentally about one of his girlfriends and confronted him. He told me that it was my fault that he had to have a girlfriend because I wasn’t hot anymore. And, you know what? I almost believed him. I almost apologized and agreed that he should have a girlfriend. But, instead I moved out. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. He likes to carry guns and he had threatened before that he wasn’t afraid to use them. But, I still moved out. I took my daughters and some clothes and I went to stay with my sister. I don’t know where I found the courage because I am just like all of the rest of you who have posted here. I thought everything was my fault. I thought if I just followed all of the rules he would be nice. I thought love conquered all. I thought I could save our marriage. And yet, I still moved out. I left behind a Ferrari and a mansion and all of the money you could dream of and I went back to college. I got financial aid. I lived in a tiny apt. with my daughters. We got a dog that we had been wanting for ten years but could never have because pets were “filthy”. I worked several jobs. I trained our dog for search and rescue work and volunteered at the fire department’s search and rescue team. I left my abusive, control freak husband five years ago and now I have a Master’s degree and so much freedom and joy, you can’t even imagine.
It wasn’t easy to leave. I understand how hard it is but I am so glad that I did. It never got any easier because he still threatens to take my youngest child and every six months or so, he starts to thinking about how a woman as stupid and fat and ugly as I was could possibly have the nerve to leave him and he starts making threats and trying to scare me back into submission. I have learned to not allow the fear to consume me. I have learned to ignore his bullying. If I don’t answer his calls or respond to his texts, he doesn’t get the thrill of knowing that he has scared me. Eventually, he will find some other woman to control and abuse and he will leave me and my daughters alone. Until then, I stil am thankful every day that I moved out. I just moved out without knowing how I would be able to fight him or afford to live. I just moved out and that was the best thing that I ever did.
February 26th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Hi “There is Hope,”
Wonderful. You’re great. An inspiration for everyone, especially for your daughters.
I assume you’ve gotten a divorce and also can file for a restraining order if you ever think you need.
In “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” I talk about being an “Invulnerable.” That’s the term coined by Victor and Mildred Goertzel for the people they studied who overcame all the odds and, like you, took charge of their lives and futures.
Create an isle of song. Vote off anyone who would trash your island.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 27th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
i would like to say “thank you” and “yeah” to there is hope…i struggle everyday, but i know its for the best..his jabs to hurt me, hurt a little less these days(although he still comes at the kids). since i last wrote in in dec. i have moved across town( aworld away) from my ex who moved across the street..i have found an army of people who help me everday. i too was left without money or a job, but i have my beautiful girls and i enjoy the peaceful new home we are making..the money will come, the job will come, and somehow i move forward everyday unsure, but believing that everything will be ok…i enjoyed reading what there is hope wrote…..it means everything to know that others have done this before me and are doing alright….thank you
March 1st, 2010 at 11:42 am
Hi Anonymous,
Wow. Good for You! You’re an inspiration for others.
Glad you got away and that you get help every day. Hope you got or are getting a divorce.
Now:
1. Become a person who laughs at his pathetic jabs at you.
2. Become a person who protects your girls from him.
3. Become a person who keeps on keeping on.
There is hope and there is light at the end of the tunnel. And even a fabulous life while you’re moving down the tunnel every day.
Grace succeeded – see “Bullies Below the Radar.”
Best wishes,
Ben
April 1st, 2010 at 5:01 am
There is Hope – thank you, you are truly inspirational! My husband has always been physically and verbally abusive despite me being the main provider for 2 years. He shoved me around before our wedding and I ‘stupidly’ went ahead and married him…I agonised over this but everything was booked, I didn’t want to let everyone down and of course…I love him…BIG MISTAKE! He is addicted to porn and alcohol. He checks my phone and accuses me of lying or having affairs. I’ve been called fat and not sexually attractive. In 6 years of marriage he has fallen out with my brothers and my best friend, to the point were she didn’t visit me at home for 2 years. My family don’t visit me because they don’t feel comfortable when he’s around. My brother is no longer welcome in our house – last Christmas was the worst of my life, he was so moody and I ‘walked on eggshells’. He calls my mother and his to complain when I go out ‘she’s a bad wife etc’ – I was set a curfew of 12.00pm. If I am out and it reaches 11.30pm I start to panic and rush home (driving fast) despite not wanting to leave. He told me I smelled and was selfish when I cried over my sisters death. He calls constantly when I’m out and if I return after 12pm he won’t speak to me for days and sleeps in the spare room. I get the same response when I’m late back from shopping, don’t cook the way he wants..etc. He resently went abroad to visit a friend. One night I was asleep and he called over 30 times, because I did not answer he sent a friend around to check on me and this is all because he cares so much (I’d already spoken to him 4 times that day). He tells me what to do all the time and never admits fault in anything, everything is always my fault and I am always the one to make an effort to make up. I feel despair, anger, frustration and guilt, but am now determined to make a change…for me, thank you all and wish me luck!
April 1st, 2010 at 8:29 pm
Hi Flower,
Yes there is hope and you are the agent of that hope!
Why are you there a moment longer? Don’t listen to him, don’t believe him and don’t argue; get away. Connect with your family.
You have a job; get away. Figure out how to get further away.
Even Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” got away. Her methods were different, but she can be an inspiration for you.
Good luck,
Ben
April 9th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and married for one year. He is very controlling and sneaky. Until a month ago he still had a joint checking account with his ex wife. They have been divorced for 7 years. He still pays her alimony of 1,000 a month and of course she got the house they lived in for over 23 years. I have tried to get him to be more open. He can see everything I do regarding money because we have a checking account now. However I have asked him to show me all the credit card accounts so I know whats going on and when he says we need to watch the money I’ll know why. I think a marriage should be open on both sides. I use to work but since we got married he said it really wouldn’t pay for me to work when it came to taxes.
Our relationship has been on again off again for eleven years. First of all we got together in the wrong way. He was married and I was not. We worked in the same place and one day he struck up a conversation with me about riding bikes. I talked to him on and off and he invited me to go on a bike ride for MS. He made a move for me and I laughed it off. Later on in the friendship I found myself falling for him. I broke it off because I knew I couldn’t handle him being married. He kept telling me he would get divorced and I wanted to believe him. Long story short I ended up falling in love and believed he would leave. Its the old story he kept promising and I kept being strung along….live and learn. I was in my 40′s but a bit nieve. I had been married previously for 15 years to my kids Dad. He was also controlling. Seems like a unfortunately pick those types. I wanted to get married and kept giving him deadlines as to how long he had to get divorced and make his choice. Each time we would break up he would go back to his old house and live there. I’m not sure if its because he was saving money which he is very frugle or he just can’t be alone. I would go on with my life and not contact him at all but he would always get back to me either through e-mails or by phone msgs. He would always say the right thing and I wanted to believe him. The only times he seems to try is when he’s afraid of loosing me to someone else. Its like a competition with him. He is very competitive. No one in my family really likes him and they can tell we don’t belong together. He is 56 and I’m 51. Before we got married a year ago I was doing fine living on my own making enought money to survive in sales and had started dating. Well he would e-mail me periodically and say things to make me question myself. I should have deleted my e-mail but wanted to keep it since everybody else knew that e-mail. He told me in an e-mail don’t settle for something that wasn’t real love like ours. In a weak moment I let him convince me and stopped seeing a guy I had started dating. We got back together and got married within a week of getting back together which I know is crazy but he had me convinced things would be great. We would get married get a house…etc. I forgot to mention before we had moved into a house together back in 2005 and he manipulated me into moving in the same neighborhood he and his ex lived in for the past 20 something years. I felt unconfortable about it but since I had to move out of the house I was in I felt I didn’t have much choice. Well he said this will be our house and we’ll get married. Well when it came to closing day we were all sitting around the table and I noticed I wasn’t signing any papers which I didn’t understand because he said it would be different. I told him under my breath if I didn’t sign something I wasn’t moving in. He gave me some random paper to sign and I still felt uncomfortable but the realtor said don’t worry you will be on the title just not the loan. When we walked out he said you understand right you will be on the title just not the loan. My gut still told me different. I waited a couple of weeks and nothing came with my name on it. I looked at the house papers and all the papers said Mr. ……… ________a single man nothing about me. I felt soooo betrayed and humiliated that I told him I would be moving. That was in May and I moved out In June. He sold that house and still tried to get back with me. He says he did nothing wrong and didn’t even understand everything which I find hard to believe. He seems to always have his cake and eat it to. Well I could go on and on but bottom line I should have stayed away we are toxic for each other and really need to get divorced. I am about to get my Real Estate license and hoping that will get me out of this mess. Thanks responding in advance.
April 20th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
I have met my husband on the internet about 2 years ago, after 2 weeks we met that’s when the bullying started, he and his family constantly cretise me for being a money grabber or money orianted, i had many men in 8 years that I have been on my onw. Also its all my fault that the marriage is not working. He constantly compares me with his ex-girlfriend stating she has many friends and i don’t have friends. She is very quite and I am very argumentitive. Its my fault I have made him sell his house and spent all his money. Its my fault that he doesn’t have any friends anymore. The list goes on forever. We have a son together he is 9 months old. He called the police on me and lied to the police that I was drunk because he wanted me to lose my house I own my house. I have a daughter 10 years old with my previous relantionship. I am at the moment to wits end, I really don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I have tryed to leave him he will come back abuse me even more. He tells me that if i end up in a mental home he will take care of the children and my house.
April 22nd, 2010 at 9:50 am
Hi Sandra,
Taking what you say as accurate, it sounds like nothing is good for him and everything bad is your fault.
You now have 10-year-old and nine-month old children. I’m guessing you feel stuck.
But this will not get better for you, only worse when your next child arrives or he gets a new girlfriend. You’ve said that he’s already figured out how to get absolute control by lying to the police.
Your one hope is to get away; whatever it takes. Whatever family or friends you have who can help. Whatever support groups you can get; better get them soon. Better to be poor than locked up.
When you leave, don’t let him back to bully and abuse you.
Don’t argue, don’t debate – get a lawyer, attorney, barrister or whatever you need to protect your interests and assets before he gets them.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Hello,
I have a very controlling husband. I have been with him for 9 1/2 years. I was 18 when we met.I grew up in the church where you just didn’t leave your husband. We were taught to be his help mate. I believe in that. I have been his help mate at everything. But about 5 years ago he went thru my email and there was another guy that a talked to because my husband never supported my dream of being a dr. or helping with the kids. my husband has always had a business that I had to work because I didn’t have a job. so i work the business doing everything.I couldn’t complant about anything. So I would talk to the other guy. My husband found out. and He beat me. I call the police and his family told me that I shouldn’t have done that. I moved back home with my parents. My parents were very supported of me. I went back to school. I he started to come back around and with his charming I moved back home becuase he told me things would be better and I believed him. things were okay for a while. Then everything was back on me with help or support from him. and try to back to school and work. He said no. We have 2 kids together and I have 1 son from a previous relationship. Everytime I would say something about work or going back to school. His reply would be why would you do that. It would mess everything up. but this year i got a job as a CNA and I am in school. I was a bigger girl than what i was when I met him. He would call me names. me feel back. He would have sex with me when I didn’t want to. He would tell that I am his wife I could denied him that was my duty to have sex him. But I would ask why have sex with someone who is so fat and you dont like then. He would say well who do you wnat me to have sex with. well since I started to work out his tell me what I can wear. what I cant wear. tells me that I am dispectful when he tells things and I don’t do them. we got into it and told him that he had to treat with respect otherwise I will give him what he gives me. He jumped in face and threathe to kick my ass. I told him hit me and I will call the police and have you arrested. He told me that I would hurt me. I told him that he might me the cause my death but God determine my furture not him. That sent him to a rage. I am working part-time right now. just waiting for a fulltime position so i can save some money. I asked him to seek help and gave him a number hoping that he would use it but he told he might or he might not. I don’t like it and I don’t have any money to move kids again. but is there anything I can do in the while I am waiting… please help me.
April 26th, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Hi Brande,
Tough situation: a deep pit that will require endurance, perseverance and resilience to dig yourself out of.
First a generalization: When we become adults we have to leave behind the beliefs, ideas, theories, rules and roles we were raised with – even if they are backed up by a church. As adults, our job is to choose our own; taking only the best from what we were raised with and casting the rest aside, no matter what authority the old was based on.
I don’t know exactly what the deal was with the other guy, but it’s a clear message to you that you want to be free to follow your dreams while honoring your responsibility to your children (not the ones your husband tries to beat into your head; not the ones to a husband who broke his half of the bargain to you).
I’m glad you called the police. Don’t let anyone hit you, no matter how justified he feels.
You bought the lie that he’d changed. We all buy that and give the person one more chance. They usually act nice for a while and then revert to type. The price we pay for that chance we give is that when we really decide to leave we’re older; more tired and have more kids and debt.
He’s a control-freak who thinks he’s right. He’s righteous and won’t change.
Get away as far as you can. Make it official by getting a divorce. Get a good lawyer who’s not part of the church.
While you’re preparing for life after the separation and divorce, the most important thing is to feed your heart and spirit. Endure as best you can with him.
Set an example for your children. Use your heart and spirit as thermometers of when you have to leave. If staying would crush your heart and spirit; if you can’t endure any longer, get away as soon as you can. Beg and borrow money to survive. Find support groups where you are.
Make friends with people who keep your spirit and courage strong. Get rid of people who get you to question yourself.
Read “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” to find out how other people got free.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 7th, 2010 at 8:57 am
Hi,
I to am in an abusive relationship, i have been with this man for 17 years every since i was 13.From the very beginning i knew he had a problem, but i came from a broken home and neither one of my parents wanted me or my sister so we were tossed around. I thought he loved me because he was so controlling,i lost all my friends, couldnt associate with my sister, wasnt allowed to go anywhere. If i got the nerve to actually go i was terribly afraid of the consequences when i would go home. He has called me every name in the book,physically abusive,not alot but the verbal abuse was daily. I feel i gave up so much for this man that i resent him and have no love feelings for him.Dont get me wrong i dont want anything bad to happen to him but i cant be with him any longer. He has made me feel so insecure, dumb and worthless. He gave me a cuncushion and fractured my cheek bone in front of our 9 year old daughter because i got a tattoo without his consent or him going with me. I actually did it out of spite cause he says tattoos are trashy. I find myself doing things now just to irritate him cause he has put me through so much hell and redicule almost my entire life. He can be a loving man and he is a great father, he loves our daughter to no end,but we only get along when i abide by his rules, cause he says his way works and mine doesnt. I have had men hit on me and be sweet to me, tell me how pretty and nice i am, and i want to have someone like that in my life. I went and put a deposit on an apartment yesterday,get my power turned on today.Im so excited yet scared to death. He and his family has money he swears he will take our daughter cause hes more stable, and make me lose everything. I have to take this step and get out no matter how scared i am because i cant live this way any longer, i dont think its fair. I have been leaving and staying gone for days to avoid walking on egg shells in my own home and fighting with him. I am nowhere near perfect i know not all arguments were his fault and i know leaving was not right, but something in my gut just keeps telling me no matter what i have to go. Please tell me am i doing the right thing i have went back and forth for so long i think everything is my fault sometimes cause he tells me it is and has for so long. I just want to be happy and have peace of mind and not feel controlled or that everything i do everyday is wrong.
Thanks,
Christy…
May 7th, 2010 at 7:17 pm
hi, reading all of these stories & the strength these women give in leaving their spouses has giving me hope.
i have known my husband for 11 years and we have been married for 71/2 years. everything was fine in the first few years, their were small issues of he being worried of who i talk too but i never really took it on. i have been the sole bread winner in this marriage & also i have always put his needs infront of my own; taking out loans to finance his business or even to pay his bills. he always promise to help me with my bills but he never keeps his promise leaving me to cleaning the mess.
i have a very good job which he is jealous of & believe that my salary should go to him even though i am trying hard to paid off my debts. when he cannot get what he wants he call me names, push me into hitting him so he would have the opportunity to hit me, plus not allowing me to have friends & telling me how i should do my job and when i can visit my family.
while we were dating he had cheated on me and i had forgiven him hoping he wouldn’t do it again but i was wrong. he cheated on me again, do not take me seriously as an individual, my opinions are never important, tell me what i can’t & can do & takes his friends advise over mines.
i have separated from him for almost 1 year living by my mom & he insisting that we work things out, that he have change his ways. i do not trust him anymore & i have fallen out of love with him. i gotten the strength to tell him that i want a divorce but he do not take me seriously, thinking i will come back. he wants me to believe that the only options that i have is to go back to him but i cannot live in this environment anymore.
his temper is scary & i am afraid of him threatening people that i work with to make me come back to him. he is over controlling, he lies, cheats & intimidate me into getting what he wants. i cannot take it anymore, i am running out strength.
any advise would be greatly appreciated.
May 10th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Hi Christy,
Usually the problem is not whether someone loves you or how much they love you, but HOW they love you. Well, now you know that love doesn’t mean controlling. A few moments of kindness don’t balance verbal and physical abuse.
Leave is not only right; it’s the only thing. He does not love your daughter the way you want your daughter loved. He’s teaching your daughter that it’s okay if her future boyfriends or husband get angry and give her a concussion and fracture her cheek bone. Is that what you want your daughter taught?
Don’t listen to him and his family; get a lawyer yourself (not theirs) and get him gone whether he likes it or not. Get a restraining order. Document trips to the hospital, calls to the police. Get a little digital recorder (Best buy or any stores like it).
Don’t listen to his opinion. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He has his own. It’s not your fault. Find people who have a high and honest opinion of you.
Better get a job and money or you’ll be needy and jump into another bully who pays the bills. If you don’t leave, you’ll make a mess of your life and your daughter’s just to spite him. Trashing your life is not as good as creating a great life.
Get support for battered women.
Read the stories of Brandi, Lucy and Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Think of it like you’re finally growing up and becoming an adult and leaving another abusive home; looking to create your own home in which you’re not abused. You’ll never have peace of mind until you struggle to make the life you want for you and your daughter.
Best wishes and good luck,
Ben
May 10th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Hi tp,
Let me get this straight.
You’re the sole bread winner, you give him money for his business and you put his needs in front of you.
In return he doesn’t pay you back, but instead what he gives you is grief that you don’t give him all your money; he calls you names, doesn’t allow you to see your friends, tells you when you can see your family, cheated/cheats on you, doesn’t listen to your opinions, tells you what you can and can’t do, says you can’t make it without him, lies and you’re afraid of his temper.
What am I missing here?
What’s your problem? You’ve trained him in one way and now you want to change the game – you want to take his feed-bag and his punching back away. No wonder he’s angry at you. He never expected you to develop a backbone!!!!!
Read the studies of Brandi, Lucy and Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Get rid of him. Don’t just want a divorce; get one. You don’t need his permission; don’t be with him that he can allow or not allow. Stop arguing and fighting. You don’t ever need to talk with him again. Have your lawyer talk with him.
Right away, tell your bosses at work because he might try to poison them. Get a restraining order. Learn to document what he says and does. Get a little digital recorder from Best Buy or a store like it.
You need a great coach to help you keep your strength, courage and resolve. Be persevering; endure. Of course, it’ll take a while before he gets that this is a new you. You’ve trained him to think that if he keeps pressuring you, you’ll eventually give in; you’ll lose your strength.
Prove you’re strong. It’s crucial to have the restraining order and call the police if he ever contacts you. That’s the only way to convince him. And actually getting the divorce.
It’s only worth the rest of your life. How many wonderful years might that be?
Best wishes,
Ben
July 6th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I was strong enough to leave and walk away. With what I and my three children went through I have no want to be with him. My only regret is not leaving before he hit my kids. Now that I am almost a year past the day I left him I am still being abused. The court system is flawed and I feel as though this will go on forever. He has tested the order of protection to the point of coming to my house. I feel the only way for me to get away from this man and his abuse is to run. Move as far away as physically possible. Do you seen any other way?
July 7th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
Hello
I wonder if you could offer me any advice please.
I live in a large house with 2 of my grown up children from a previous relationship and 3 young children from my present relationship. My partner is a bully, he tries to control me and often shouts and swears abusively at my older children and me, although it is usually directed at my children or is about them. It always begins because they don’t help enough with the housework, I often find their lack of help annoying, but don’t shout and swear about it. They are normal teenagers and the eldest works full time! He says it’s because I haven’t brought them up right and they don’t have any morals.
He criticises most things that I do. I don’t believe any of the things he says about me or my children, I know he is just trying to wear me down, but I don’t let him, I shout back and slam doors etc, but I never swear. I am an intelligent person and do not need to use bad language to get my message across.
I gave up my teaching career 4 years ago to help him with his new business. I have since had 2 young children and do not want to work at the moment. He pays me a wage through his business and if we fall out he can stop this payment if he wishes and has done on a couple of occasions. He does not pay me any housekeeping, but he pays all the bills. My ‘wage’ pays for food and school dinners, school trips etc.
He is paying for the house we live in, but he has put my name on the mortgage.
He has so far refused to commit to me completely and has never fully moved in with me. We sleep in the same bed at night, but he eats in another house that he owns and keeps his clothes there. Most days his ex-wife cooks for him and I presume she washes and irons his clothes. There is no sexual relationship between them, I think he sees her as a mother figure. They have been divorced for about 20 years and have a grown up son together. His mum died when he was quite young and he married his ex when he was 19. She is 8 years older than him.
The police have been called here on numerous occasions when he has assaulted my 3 older daughters, 2 of whom have since moved out. His abuse has amounted to pushing, shoving and shouting abuse. The charges have always been dropped, but one of my daughters is presently refusing to drop charges and they are both due in court next week.
He made me declare myself bankrupt 2 years ago, as a result I have no credit status and my share of the house is held by trustees.
I have looked at houses to rent, but as I have no credit rating, landlords will not accept me as a tenant unless I pay six months rent in advance as well as a deposit, an amount which totals in excess of £4000 which I do not have and cannot take out a loan.
I have previously spent a short time in a women’s refuge, but it was making me feel depressed and I had to leave and so came back home, that was back in February this year. I could not take my older children with me and the carpets were sticky with filth. No one in my family is able to take us in to enable us to escape. My name is on the council waiting list, but large houses rarely become vacant.
Yesterday, he told me to phone my daughter, who is taking him to court for assault to see if she is still going ahead with the court case, when she said yes, he started ranting and raging and saying she can never come in his house again. I said that if he insists on tearing my family apart further, which will spoil Christmas and family celebrations, then I will move out and take our children with me. He has since refused to speak and we are still not speaking.
I want to leave, I know he will never change, but I feel trapped because of my credit status and the size of my family that needs rehousing (5 children and me).
Does anyone have any advice please???
Many thanks for reading this
Jackie
July 9th, 2010 at 7:27 am
Hi Jackie,
I’m sorry for the pain and being stuck. You’ve put yourself in giant hole because you let him “made me.” And because you let him control you, you’ve lost everything. The long-term consequences are that you need a 5-year plan to dig yourself out.
You need a job and money in order to get free.
Pull yourself out of the details and see that you’ve been used and abused. Make a plan and stick to it. Of course he’ll dump you and blame on you. He loves being angry and righteous. So what? Don’t care what he thinks. Don’t argue with him; just do what you need to whether he likes it or not.
Put up with him long enough to get yourself independent enough to move out. Of course you’ll be poor and miserable. But you’ll be free and starting on your own life again.
By the way, your daughter should never drop the charges. Notice that dropping the charges before never got him to change his easy and abusive life.
Good luck,
Ben
July 9th, 2010 at 7:34 am
Hi Sara,
Good for you!!!!!! You got out and have the opportunity to get away.
Yes. The system is flawed and won’t protect you as much as you need.
If your court orders for divorce allow you to leave, get as far away as you can. Learn to get the police on your side. You only need one sympathetic cop to help protect you.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. The longer you stay free, the easier it’ll get. And the stronger you’ll become.
Learn to document the right kind of evidence to get him in trouble. Record every call. Use your cell phone to video every contact.
Sometimes you have to get tricky to get away from real predators. See the story of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Fall in love with a wonderful and very large man who’ll take care of your ex. Seriously!
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
July 9th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Too anyone with kids,
I would just like to say one thing to you wonderful women. You know how bad it hurts to live with the abuse you are going through. Its just as hard for your kids to see it happening. Trust me as someone that has been there; it’s only a matter of time before he abuses your sweet children. My breaking point was coming home to bruises from my four year olds lower back all the way to his thighs. I am very proud of myself for leaving him but I will never forgive myself for not protecting them from that mad man. If I would have left when he hurt me my kids would have been spared his rath. GET OUT NOW! In manny communities there is so much help for you! There is no amount of money that could make me give up my wonderful freedom. I never knew what sleeping 8 hours a night felt like until I left. Now I am a better mom a better person and best of all I am ME! No one is ever going to take that away and all of you can have that too. It’s a big jump and I know you are scared but waiting for it to get bad enough can leave you and your children hurt or dead! Please, think only of your kids and not of money or how hard it will be. It is going to be hard. I work full time now. I am leaving my kids with a sitter (something I never wanted to do). I still deal with his horrible verbal abuse and stalker issues. I have had to fight hard for a year now and to celebrate it being a year since I left him there is a good chance that he will be in jail next month. I am frustrated but happy. It will take time to get things back to the way you want them but it will happen. Nothing is harder then being faced with the fact that YOU did not protect your kids. If you take your kids back to an abuser you can get your kids taken away from you too! Be strong and look to the person you want to be. Let that strong incredible person live and get away from the hurt you are drowning in.
Stay strong!
July 9th, 2010 at 11:48 am
Hi Sara,
Thanks for sharing your encouragement.
Yes. Everything you say is absolutely true.
For all of us: Don’t let yourself be bullied. Get the bullies off your island immediately. Protect yourself! Don’t wait ‘till you have to protect your kids.
You can make it. I know it’s hard. But the rest of your life and the rest of your beloved children’s lives are worth it.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 14th, 2010 at 8:18 am
I’ve been looking for something on this topic with desperation and I’ve finally found you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years. When we were dating, he was kind, considerate and loving towards me. He changed almost the minute we married.
He is bad-tempered and a temper tantrum can be triggered by almost nothing at all, like a packet of something falling out of a cupboard when he opens it. At those times, he is verbally abusive, smashes things, flings anything he can find into the trash, empties the contents of the fridge into the trash (because it’s all rubbish apparently). He tells me I’m lazy (I work fulltime and spend all my weekends doing housework and gardening) and a bad housekeeper.
He is very possessive and bitterly resents my family and any time I spend with them. If I see them on my own, he sulks. If he comes with me, he sulks. I like to go away for a few days with them every year. Whenever I tell him, he gets resentful and angry and says I have a duty to be with him, not my family. I am very close to my family; he is not at all close to his.
About 70% of the time, he always talks to me as though I am stupid or not good enough (he tells me so). Whatever I do is wrong; whatever I say is wrong. He tells me I’m useless. I am an educated person and hold a good professional job but he says my subject was “easy” and my job is a joke because it doesn’t pay well.
Whenever my family visit, he talks to me even more as though I’m dirt, especially in front of them. I’m so embarrassed about it; I just ignore it. I know it upsets them but they don’t say anything because they don’t want to cause trouble between us.
If I challenge him about his behaviour, he gets more aggressive so I’ve learned to just put up with it. On a couple of occasions, things have got so bad, I’ve started packing a bag to leave but he’s stopped me and tried to calm things down and be more loving (it never lasts).
We don’t have kids but we have cats and ever since we had them, he uses them as an excuse not to go anywhere or if we do, he uses them as an excuse to come back home early.
Why don’t I leave? I kidded myself it was due to my religion and the shame I’d bring on myself and my family. I have finally admitted the truth to myself; I am scared to leave. I might not have him bullying me but will I be able to support myself? Will I have to throw myself on my family’s charity? Also, part of me does love my husband for the good person that is still somewhere deep inside him and that does appear on occasion.
I don’t know what to do. My beloved Mom died a few months and I am so devastated at her death and trying to keep my head above water with the grief as well as the bad marriage.
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Hi Sukey,
After 2o years there are no excuses for him. Or for your ruining your life by staying.
His opinion doesn’t count. Predators interpret your ignoring their attacks as an invitation to attack you more…and harder. Don’t learn to put up with it. You have to do something.
At this point, the only thing he’ll understand is your leaving or kicking him out. Not threatening to leave or kick him out unless he argues or makes promises. Leaving or kicking him out!
That’s not to change him. That’s to change you and your environment so you can create a bully-free life. Vote him off your island!
Good thing you don’t have kids. Sometimes they provide motivation to leave but there are always more difficulties because of them.
Stop finding excuses and, instead, screw up your courage and strength. You’ve hurt your family more by staying. They’ve had to bite their tongues because of you instead of saying or doing what they might have otherwise.
You’ll never deal with the important issues in your life (like your mom’s dying) as long as he’s around. He takes up all the emotional space.
Your choice to throw away the rest of your life…or not. Go find love under a better rock.
Remember the price of putting up with bullies: Slow erosion of your soul.
See the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar,” available on this website.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
August 8th, 2010 at 6:19 am
hi am laura and am 18 years old, my boyfreind does not let me have no freinds or go out, and am 18 and i feel like i need some freinds,, he wont let me leave him, when i say am dumping you he threanten me and say hes going to hurt my family, i feel like killing myself i need help now, or i dont no what am going to do,
August 9th, 2010 at 3:52 am
Hi everyone, I’ve just come across this websit, as I was just trying to find out info about how to successfully leave my abusive husband. He also was charming, and attentive, and adored me when we first met. He was always saying he loved me, and I felt really special. However we got engaged and he became really posesive, He didn’t like it when I said hello to male friends, and he eventually objected to me going out with female friends. I knew that he had a bad relationship with his ex wife, and he took the divorce badly (she slept around on him), and I explained that I would never do this too him. We arranged to wed, and I discovered I was pregnant, we were both very happy, as I thought I couldn’t have kids, as had tried for 10 years with a previous partner for a baby. He started to stay out and drink more often(his 3 grown up sons were now old enough to go to pubs and he was out with them most of the time. He started to hit me, and was mentally abusive also. When I tried to leave when our baby was 6 months old, he begged me to stay, and things quietened down for a while, however my daughter is 8 now, and every week , at least once a week, he is abusive, no longer physically as I have phoned police for him, but emotionally. My daughter has now witnessed this, and cried for him to stop. He always apologises afterwards, and tries to kiss and make up. I no longer love him, and have been on medication for panic attacks. I want to leave him, as I know he will be controlling of my daughter as she gets older. I already see the signs(doesn’t like her having friends in house when he is there, won’t let her play with her make up in house). I no longer have any friends, I never go out, My family never come to visit, I visit them, but he usually asks my daughter who we went to se /who was there? He goes away for 2 weeks a year with his mates, and our holiday is always with his family. I want to leave,(I work), but will not be able to afford starting in a new home, with new furnishings. Should I just wait till my daughter is older, and realises why we had to leave , and realises that we can no longer have the nice things we used to have?
Lost, Angelica
August 10th, 2010 at 10:29 am
Hi Laura,
Don’t hurt yourself – ever. And get rid of him. He’s not your friend at all. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care about you. He only cares about what he wants.
Be strong, brave and persevere. If you don’t, he really will kill the life in your soul.
Get help. Talk to adults. Talk to the police. Talk to battered women’s shelters. Find out what evidence you need to keep him away.
If you don’t stop him, no matter what you say, he’ll think you’re weak and he’ll hurt you worse.
In America, we can get restraining orders. I don’t know the options in the UK. But you must act.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 10th, 2010 at 10:30 am
Hi Angelica,
I’ll be really straight even if it hurts – but maybe it’ll get you to act.
You’re blowing it. Your daughter needs you right NOW! You’re allowing your daughter’s soul to be crushed and letting yours be squeezed out of you.
Do you think she doesn’t sense what’s happening? Don’t you think she’s afraid? Don’t you think she knows the tight control she has to have or else
You can’t afford to not act. No matter how alone and how poor you are when you start – you have to start. No excuses; no whining about how hard it is. No complaining about the problems.
If you wait, your daughter will marry her own bully, just like her father, and it’ll be your fault.
Get help to:
• Be strong, brave and persevering.
• Create a plan, act on it and adjust at each step along the way.
Make a bully-free island for you and your daughter. There’s nothing better you can do for the next 10 years.
Find better love under a better rock.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
September 7th, 2010 at 10:12 am
hi, im also married to a bully. i feel so bad about myself, i live in a rural area and have no access to education and i dont have a degree. I tell myself if i clean the house well or cook well he will be nice but he is always mean to me. We have a shortage og housing in my town so i cant move out even if i try. He will get custody of our kids if i move out because i have had 3 breakdowns and ended up in the hospitol and i never mentioned that he had choked me and abuses in the hospitol mental ward. I kind of lose my mind because i feel so trapped and i cant move out because i dont want to live without my kids and become poor. I have money from my grandparents oil well but i have to give that money to my dad who cant get the money in his name because he lives in an old folks home, because of this money i cant apply for low income housing. Im truely trapped, i have no hope , my dad tells me to try harder and pray more and that i have a negative attitude so if i act happy god will then help me, or i can save my husbands soul by staying. Im so sad i have no way out, any ideas?
September 7th, 2010 at 10:37 am
I wanted to add to my post above my husband is not jellious and does not keep me from friends he is just mean to me by never talking to me unless its yelling or putting me down . he has only pyhsicaly hurt me 4 times in 8 years and only one time choked me because i took down some 30 year old moldy walpaper in the bathroom. he controls all the money and every decision. he buys new boats motor home jet ski motercycle even our house we live in without asking what i think he drives only new pickups and my mini van is old if i try to talk to him he says he wants a divorce everyday he says he wants a divorce for 8 years. he hates me when i told him i would take my daughter and go to a shelter after he pyisically attacked me he responded by showing me he has a deposit with a divorce lawyer so i said i want to move out will you help me find a place he says no. he knows i dont have any money and you cant find a place to live here because of the oil boom.
September 8th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Hi again, im wondering if the fact i told you about my hospitol stays will make you afraid. i must have an underline mental instability but im not crazy. the hospitol stays have been a few days and i ended up there because i was trying to do good but my family thought i was putting my life in danger. it starts off by thinking im gonna do gods will then he will help me out of my unhappy marriage. i then will stop and help people or give all my money to people and its just not clear thinking so they take me into the mental ward. I was put on medication but it made me feel sick i have had theses break downs 3 times in the last 2 years right after my husband pyisically attacked me is when i start to lose it (not to blame him)I stopped medication told my doctor and for the past 8 months fallowed a diet with no sugar and worked with a personal trainer and that has helpped me more than medication. i went to a coucelor and told her about my husbands treatment and she said i must leave in order to get better. Its just hard to leave when i have no place to go and no way out.
September 9th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Hi Tricia,
I can’t think how to help in the short-term. You do sound trapped.
Your husband is not nice; he’s an abusive bully and he has control. When he physically abuses you, go to a hospital, get the police and make them take pictures of your bruises.
Praying is nice but long-term planning is better. Pray for strength for yourself. Keep a fire burning in your heart; keep your spirit alive. You need a long-term plan to get very far away, step-by-step.
Money is the key. Second key is your mental health – keep clear, keep out of mental institutions.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
September 12th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Ben I left i called the police the three nights ago. Went to a shelter and got an order to have him removed from the house! Im just taking it a day at a time i have hope now! I just could not take it anymore so i had a restraining order put in place i have alot of friends and they are all standing behind me! Praise god for giving me strength!
September 13th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Ive tried leaving the relationship and its hard with the culture and society I come from because he is blackmailing me if i leave he will carry out his threat which can potentially ruin my whole life and what I worked hard for. I am so distraught I hate him and see no way out.
September 14th, 2010 at 6:11 am
Good for you Tricia,
You’re an inspiration to us because when it seemed impossible, you acted and found a way and way has opened up.
You’re setting an example for your children.
Like Jean did in a different way in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”.
Hang in with the friends who stand behind you.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 14th, 2010 at 6:12 am
Hi Sade,
I’m so sorry. You sound stuck – but only because you want a solution that guarantees no loss, even temporaryly.
If he has that power and you stay in the culture and society that gives him such power over you, then your life will be ruined if you stay with him also. Think of what you’d be teaching your children; especially what you’d be setting up your daughters for if you stay.
So either you leave now and begin again – what you worked so hard for is ruined but you can still press on. I know that you had ancestors (we all did) who were totally ruined in mid-life and then managed to press on and succeed. History records many ones whose names are remembered publically and there hundreds of times more women who resurrected their lives but are only remembered in their family stories and in our DNA. We’re all here because of those women who began again.
Or you stay for a while and make a long-term plan to leave. Same eventual result.
Be as strong as our strongest ancestors who overcame being ruined – by natural disasters or by the ravages of other people. Rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Remember the female heroes who can keep you strong!
Keep the fire of your spirit burning bright and strong.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 26th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
I too met this man that was my sunshine. So fun and supportive, we moved in together including our kids. We were one happy bunch. Then we got married…………….It started on the honeymoon. Flirting with other women talking about “his” assets (which were technically mine) stood in front of me as if I were not there, spoke as if I were not there. I owned a successful business. He offered to take some things off of my very big plate. Of course it was the books, the money, etc…. Before you knew it he pranced around my business and threw in my staffs face the he was their boss? Over time I had trouble keeping my employees. He controlled everything. Over the years the screaming, cussing and names he calld me. I took it until I finally blew. Then I was me fighting back yelling back for more years. I have finally come to the point of realizing now he verbally abuses me and I abuse back. This is wrong! I have closed my business, opened my own account, I am not going to argue back or defend myself anymore. I am taking the steps to GET OUT. I own a lot of real estate with him. It is a lot of money at stake. I have finally come to the acceptance that I can now lose all of it and that will be okay as long as I am okay. I have a job and if I have to start over I will at least do it in peace. It is a huge finance sacrifice but my sanity and happiness has a higher value in the end.
September 27th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Hi Mad at Yourself,
Good for you. We seem to have to go through the fighting stage to get to the point where we’re tired of fighting and just want to get out.
I’m sorry it took so long and you need a good lawyer. Keep what you can.
The lesson for all of us is to recognize and respond to the early warning signs of control-freaks and bullies. Stop bullies on the first day, no matter how you feel. On that first day he did that on your honeymoon, he was NOT your sunshine. On the first day he caused a problem in your business he was NOT your sunshine.
See the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Also get support and a good coach to keep you strong and firm; to keep your vision in front of you. Your kids need you to set a good example for them.
Notice, I didn’t go into his psychoanalysis – doesn’t matter. Too late by now.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 2nd, 2010 at 10:56 pm
I have recently divorced my emotionally abusive husband of sixteen years. Reading over all these posts has brought back so many memories of what it was like. Yelling at me for things I did not do. Controlling my spending and being emotionally manipulative when I did spend a little while really he was spending thousands behind my back. He is a compulsive liar, telling friends that he served in Desert Shield and owns a two ton dump truck. HA!!!! But I had this false illusion that I would be free once the dust cleared from the divorce and I was very wrong. We have two sons, 12 and 7, and he is using them like pawns against me. He bought a house 5 blocks from me and keeps tabs on me. He uses the kids as an excuse to call me all the time over stupid stuff. He called a couple of nights ago when he had the boys with him to ask if I could look for my son’s shoes. After a minute he said, “Oh, here they are.” Really he was just checking that I was home. It is non stop. I have been accused of being pregnant. I have been accused of having just gotten home when I was leaving to go to work. And he fills the boys’ heads with lies about me. I want to draw a line and make sure he stops crossing it, but I don’t know how. A friend told me I was enabling him. I think they are right, but my children are my achilles heel and he knows it. If I were to say, “You have to stop calling me when you have the boys” he would just turn to the boys and tell them “Your mom doesn’t love you. She doesn’t care if you have a problem and she isn’t interested in how you are.” But I also don’t deserve to be stalked. The other day I went by myself to see Eat, Pray, Love for a little chick flick therapy. When I got out there was a scathing text message from him saying that he knew I was on a date, etc. How do I get away from him and get the message across that I am not his and I am not coming back without hurting my kids? I don’t want to enable his behavior anymore but I don’t know what to do. He is capable of insane lies and manipulations. He also had it put in the divorce decree that I can’t move out of this school district without losing custody. Help!!!
October 3rd, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Hi Kate,
What a horrible situation. And I’ll address it from your side because it’s so typical about what ex’s (male and female) can do.
And I don’t know a line you can draw against a clever sneak like he is. He probably won’t do anything illegal or anything that you can get him for delinquency or neglect and, therefore, get a restraining order and keep the kids away from him. You probably need to consult a lawyer about this aspect – what to look out for and what you can get him for if he oversteps what lines.
Anyway, you’re in a long-term war to win your sons’ affection and to see that they don’t imitate their father when they grow up.
Therefore, tell them the truth about his lies – and sometimes just laugh, call it BS or call him a jerk. Ask them if they really believe stuff like that. Stimulate them to be little scientists and observe for themselves. Have them notice where they feel relaxed and at home, versus where they feel anger in the air and have to walk on egg shells.
The thing that makes this work is your calm and joy. I know you didn’t expect to have to deal with this and it’s really hard when you’re being persecuted by such a jerk. Don’t answer most of his calls and texts. Don’t argue with him, but do state that he’s wrong when it might have consequences on your sons. Tell your sons what you’re doing.
Document everything.
You’ll probably have to encourage your sons to fly low (lie to him). If they show him they love you or that they have fun with you or that they’d rather be with you, he’ll turn on them and make their lives miserable.
The happier you are with them, the more his true colors will show and the better the chances your sons will see what’s going on. The more upset you are, the more they’ll think that his kind of nastiness is the way to get what they want.
I know it’s not easy for you, but kids often figure out who the oppressive jerk is. For example, see the studies of Jake and Doug in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 6th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
I dont know where to start: I have been married for three years but actually been with the same guy for 11, so we are slowly going down, or that’s what I think, it may be just me going down…I have never been much of a fighter, or that’s my opinion towards me, not a good negociator, we have no kids, though I have wanted one for a long time, now come to think what would I do with he/she in such a messy marriage….He constantly abuses me saying I am too fat, huge ass, stupid, sometimes when arguments hit the walls I am also called other things..tonight I was ever so upset,on the verge to end it all, at least for myself, since I came to be so co-dependant; and living in a foreign country, I lack communication with someone who can really help me, or at least listen, I became untrusting I won’t go to my mom to complain, I realized I have no best friend, and nowadays I am jobless too, what do you think, are my reasons to end it all justified? don’t give me any psycho-analysis cr****, as I am not up for it tonite((((((((((((((( nor will I ever be. Even now I am rambling and rambling about my situation, and cannot help but wonder what the hell am I doing here, I mean in this world, what was the BIG plan, what am I supposed to be doing, am I paying some of my ancestors debts or something, or am I already being too dramatic…..I recently turned 33 and think that’s the age when Jesus died, PERFECT, if you ask me, only I may be too coward for this as well….
Anyways, I am far from my family and friends, do not speak the language of the country we live in, do not have the job, I am also broke(not smart, but also not that I ever earned sooo much that I could have spared any!), I already been on medication for anxiety……no children, no love or respect,for at least three years now sex/making love happens ever so rarely, and always lasts until he gets off, and with the least of effort from his side; and he can barely look or talk to me without repeatedly mentioning my huge ass, or saying do not be such an irepponsible baby( don’t know about that, as he never took care of himself other than professionally – which I am not saying is little, but never did the washing up, cooking, cleaning, I sugested him he took me for a maid – his answer was-not true)
…ah and by the way this year when in a business trip he mentioned to me coming to the hotel room, and being soooo stressed out and tired that he wanted to get off with a perfect stranger( I should consider myself lucky to ind out at least it was a woman, and not a man) in order to relax, nothing more, so he did that……..coming back home from the trip he thought he should confess, but started with a lie first, only to confess the true story later on!!!
Well if you don’t hear from me soon maybe mention me in your prayers……cause I feel I am at the end of my rope here……………………
October 12th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Hi Capriseagreen,
Winston Churchill said, “Never give up. Never, never, never give up!” I’d say also, “Never be crushed. Never be defeated!”
You’ve gone very far down a very bad path into a great hole. It’ll take lots of work to get out. So what? Go for it.
You have no kids so that’s an advantage.
A major part of the problem is that you’re isolated and alone. You need to fight to survive (just like your ancestors did; like all our ancestors did). Don’t question yourself; don’t analyze your faults – just act! And keep taking steps.
Get help/support/an interpreter – anybody, but preferably a woman. Are there any social services available, or people from a church, mosque, temple? Can you find an expert coach to help you keep up your strength, courage and determination.
Save money in secret if you can. Get to a country where you speak the language.
I know it’s tough. Are you tough enough?
Best wishes,
Ben
October 19th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Wow that sounds almost identical to my husband
He fits all the steps he uses itimidation to get his way, he makes me feel guilty i mean im not perfect and i have admitted mistakes but he feels it s his job to punish my mistakes. He doesnt ever take responsibility for his actions everything is always my fault or i was acting stupid so he feels like he is entitled to certain things. He has isolated me from all my friends and family by disrespecting everyone around me so bad that no one will support my being with him. He recently told me that i hav to quit going to school because he said so and by me telling him that he has no right to tell me to qut school I apparantly am making things worse. Hes got me fired 3 times and the last time i just quit to avoid the problems. He refuses to get counseling and wants me to basically stay home all day and sit in the room and wait for him to get home. He needs help and its so hard to help someone who doesnt want it. Ive tried to get ot but no one will help me anymore because i always come back to him. I really am lost
October 26th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
Hi Anonymous,
I’ll be straightforward.
I think you know exactly what you need to do although you may not be clear about how. You’ve offered help. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
He doesn’t need help. You do.
You are lost. You’re lost in his country, which is hell for yo8u.
The first step is to get out of his country and into your own. I call it your island. Until you vote him off your island, the only one who can help you is an expert coach you’ll have to pay for. And the help is to get you to th4e point where you vote him off your island. Then you can plan how to bring money, happiness and people who are good for your heart and sprit.
Stop debating and arguing; stop listening to what he says and start listening to your gut, which is calling you to be free from oppression; to create a better life.
Read the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest on the http://www.BulliesBeGone.com web site or this blog site.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 15th, 2010 at 7:05 am
To Ira (8) I have 2 girls and 1 baby boy who my husband beat upside down. We are now separated and I have been reading on web. Ira, I recognised that your husband soundns like mine(mine is worse) – they are passive-aggressive mental disease and deep rooted problems pre-marriage in their childhood. Read up on it and find help and get out of there. Do it FOR your kids. Do not teach them this dysfunctional way of treating people and they will never sustain their own marriages later in their lives. get OUT now – for your kids sake. Enable your self again as you ARE an enabler and that’s why he chose you for a wife. they will never learn. We have separated many times – I even had contusions but forgave him he sweetly pomised and children cried for him so i caved – but now i look at my babies future ad don’t want them to be like him or even have those nasty, cruel traits. looking for a bright future
Sam
November 18th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Hi Sam,
Good for you for getting away!
Get a good lawyer. It’ll be worth every penny. Make the separation permanent by getting a divorce. If you don’t, he’ll always think he can win you back by begging or beating. Then he’ll revert again.
In my experience, divorce usually frees people (you) from the past and opens up the future to wonderful possibilities.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 18th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
I have read all this stories…Its makes me really confuses. My life is very close to all these. I know my husband from last 25 years when we were friends. I was never fell in love with him but he was so generous, kind, helping, loving and caring that when i lost my love I accept his marriage proposal and got married. I realized immediate after my marriage that it was a wrong step. He turned to total changed man ignoring, forcing and pinching me (verbally) in front of others. I noticed that he is more rash and rude in presence of others specially my friend and family. I tolerate work hard but i never support me financially. On the other hand he encourages me towards to completing my master degree and jobs. he never stopped to wear or to do stuff. But he always have a fear that I do have an affair with other guys or other guys are interested in me. He assume I am beautiful person and anyone can attract towards me. He never beaten me bu his aggression, non respective attitude, bullying is really getting high and high..he has no respect for me all the time bully me or trying to pinch me. Every time he trying to prove me that he is right and i am wrong. No respect for my wording, no appreciation for my efforts and no respect for me. i tried not to break my marriage but now i am over loaded. I don’t love him any more but he is a father of my son. My son need him or i might too…I am not sure… but i am sick of his attitude….Oh yes he always complaining about my family and saying bad to them, always interfering in there issue or create scene of arguments. on the other hand he thins his family are best even they are not…please guide me
November 19th, 2010 at 10:15 am
Hi sab,
I’m not sure what’s confusing here; it all seems pretty straightforward. But you do have a decision that may be difficult.
1. You didn’t love him and don’t. You married him for other reasons. He probably knows that on some deep level. Whatever you hoped might happen was doomed from the start.
2. He changed. He’s bullying and abusive. That won’t stop.
3. By staying you’re teaching your son that men can treat women that way and it’s okay. Whatever you say to your son, the message he gets is that you stay. He needs to see you act differently in order to get a different message.
Sounds like you stay because you think you can’t make it on your own or don’t want to struggle. Become independent. Get away and take care of yourself and your son. Even if you have to struggle and be poor. That’s more important than reasons to “need” him.
Stop debating or arguing. Stop trying to convince him you’re good and he’s wrong. Just get away.
Don’t make the same mistake again. Get local support.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 13th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Hi, I left my abusive husband a year ago to this day he still finds me telling me how worthless i am, how i ruined everything, he hacked my facebook along with my family members facebook, and took pictures off that were up of me. (just everyday pictures nothing bad or racy). He has told me our daughters not allowed to go around my family when shes with me. He questions our daughter everytime she goes with him, she said he asks her 1000 questions everytime she goes to her dads. He has asked me back a thousand times telling me he has changed. He puts stipulations on me coming back says: no phone, no contact with friends, no contact with family i need to work on my marriage with him only. I left because of physical and mental abuse, he says im ruining my daughters life cause i wont come back. For some reason i still think he is right?? My heart says go back, but my gut and brain says No. Im so confused…….
December 16th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Hi Christy,
I’m going to take what you said as accurate and I’ll be straightforward.
Don’t listen to him even for 5 minutes. Don’t take what he says to heart, but do defend yourself by getting away – not by arguing. Do what he tells you not to do like taking your daughter to see your family and contacting your friends. Do not work on this lousy marriage.
“Left my abusive husband” is not far enough away. Get a divorce if you haven’t already. Get a tough lawyer.
He’s ruining both your lives. Your daughter will believe what you do, not what you say. If you stay, she’ll learn that women are supposed to be abused. Get away for your daughter’s sake. You may not be able to prevent any contact between your daughter and him. But you can teach her to not answer him or to lie so his questions go away. Make it a game to jerk him around. When she’s old enough, she can get away.
He hasn’t changed. Get over your heart and educate it to find a prince, not a toad.
You need counseling and a great lawyer who’ll take him on.
Good luck.
Ben
December 16th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Ben,
I came across your blog today after hearing some terrible things from one of my closest friends. She and I have been friends (we’ll call her Susan) for about five years, and she has been with her boyfriend (we’ll call him Jason) for the past seven. Though she and I graduated college together and see each other several times a week, I have seen her boyfriend only a handful of times. When I do, he barely acknowledges my presence. Because of his removed behavior, I have always felt like I barely know him. I have always had my suspicions about how Jason treats her, but she never wanted to talk about it.
Susan and I went out to dinner last night, and she finally admitted that things with Jason are really bad. She has told me that he puts her down in every way (physically, sexually, etc), breaks things when he’s angry, forces her to have sex, cheats on her, won’t allow her to put up Christmas decorations, and much more. When I asked her if he has ever hit her, she admitted that he had one time. I truthfully do not believe that it has only happened once, but even if that is true, the beginnings of domestic violence does not bode well for the future.
We are young (24), and like most people our age, working hard to establish financial security. Jason owns a very lucrative business. Susan and Jason have lived together for the past 3 years. They both contribute to rent and utilities. The problem lies in that Jason’s credit is terrible and anything they have bought over the years is in Susan’s name, though he makes the payments. The credit items include 2 cars, some electronics, etc. She also has a dog in their house, and she has stated several times that if they break up, she knows Jason will hide or sell the dog if she leaves her alone. Susan has a supportive family, though she has kept them as unaware of what is going on as possible. Her family lives out of state and although I know they do not like Jason, they do not know of half of what is going on.
Susan says she feels stuck. She said she knows they “will not survive another argument” and “it’s just a matter of time.” When I asked her why, if that’s the case, she doesn’t just leave now, she explained that she is afraid. She says if she initiates the breakup she knows he will be spiteful and and angry, but if he initiates it she believes it will go better.
My concern is that 1) Susan won’t leave, and 2) if she does, Jason will become violent. He owns several guns, has a history of DUIs and fighting, and has, at least on one occasion, hit Susan.
What can she do? I was thinking maybe she should pack whatever she needs and when she leaves for her parents’ house for Christmas, she shouldn’t come back. Perhaps she should get a restraining order and sell whatever is in her name? I’m not sure how to help her, but I need to.
Please help if you can. I would appreciate any advice you can give.
December 23rd, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Hi all,
I’m a 29yr old mother of a 5 yr old son. I met my fiance 3 yrs ago after being single for 2 yrs. He was my driving instructor. We have no kids together but he has 5 kids with 2 other women, the last 3kids from his Ex legal wife. When we met, I was not interested in him in the least bit but he seemed to be going throuogh a lot of emotional turmoil as he had just been dumped by his girlfriend. I am by nature empathetic so I tried to be supportive towards him. He on the other hand eventually showed that he had quite an overpowering personality and after “luring me into having sex with him, we found ourselves dating. From the onset he was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. Initially he would drive recklessly with me and my son in the car to intimidate me. He objectected to me having any friends since he believed they either wanted to break us up or “get into my panties”. He tries to convince me that my relatives are deceitful and lacked morals, he criticizes my parenting skills although everyone else compliments me and my son highly for it. Last year february, he broke my upper jaw and knocked two of my teeth back into my mouth tearing away my gum and severely scaring my lip after slamming an irom gate into my face. He refers to me on a daily basis as being slutty saying that I flirt alot with men and that I cannot fit into his numerous exes’ shoes. This happens even in front of my son. He calls me clumsy, fat, whore and says that I have an “ugly slack cunt” (My vagina) etc and I think that it is because I confided in him that I was sexually abused when I was quite young and lived a somewhat promiscuous life a long time ago “looking for love”. June 2010, I finally tried to leave him after he ran his car into mine and was successful for a couple of months. I started dating someone else, he found out and begged me to reconsider, justifying his actions with the soundest of excuses, promising to change and seek counselling. We did the counselling but that did not do much. After getting back together, things were great for a month, we got engaged and I moved into his empty apartment which I have since furnished completely. Now the abuse has started again and he has even tried to be verbally abusive to my son whom he treats as a problem while his clearly unsettled, indisciplined kids do whatever they want whenever thay come over and I have to clean up after them and him (I hardly complain since I may be ridiculed for it. Since then, I have not had one good night’s rest nor a peaceful day…Oh and we live next door to his mother who seems to prefer to hand over her clearly troubled son to anyone else who cares since she is aware that he is abusive as supported by the restraining orders taken out by women in his past that I was not initially aware of. Two week ago he ran my car off the road twice within the same night and last night he threw me on the couch and prevented me from leaving the apartment. When I started crying, he let loose of my hands but still blocked the exits to the apartment. Because of where I work I have had to lie about my injuries over the years as I am well known, if I try to ignore his calls he calls my office and dials every extension until he gets me. I am embarrassed, frustrated, scared, tired, worn out and forty pounds heavier than when he met me since I depression makes me overeat… Now I am almost broke too. He lost his job last week as a result of his temper problems and his irresponsibility and I have since spent all of my disposable income on furnishing his apartment, food, bills, other loans and now I have my car to fix. The effects of the abuse on me is now spilling over and holding onto my job is a struggle as I have had to be away from work whenever it happens. I have no confidence in the police system in my country as they dont seem to care much for domestic issues and he has blatantly lied to them before to get himself out of trouble. I now have no friends, my family cannot cope and I feel its just a matter of time before I drown. I just keep swimming for my son’s sake…he is my inspiration…but at times I feel like I am heading nowhere.
December 27th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Hi Anonymous,
Sorry I haven’t answered sooner – been sick and then the holidays came.
Your situation and Susan’s is an all too common and extremely painful one.
There’s an old saying about leading a horse to water but you can’t make her drink.
All you can really do is encourage her, help her make a plan when she’s ready to and be available once she has made a good decision.
We know that if she wants to have a future she has to get away. Even though there’s a risk that he’ll retaliate (in personal and online) when she leaves, there’s a certainty that it’ll get worse if she stays. The longer she stays, the higher the price.
I think that if she stays in town she’ll need a lawyer, an expert coach to keep her strength, courage and perseverance up and a very large ankle breaker. If she leaves, she’ll need the same and an expert on cyberbullying.
Her strategy of getting him to dump her might work. That’s what Alicia had to do in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
In any case, she’d better plan ahead, have money secretly stashed, a new job and a restraining order.
Good for you for helping her.
Good luck,
Ben
December 29th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Hi Wornout,
I’ll be straightforward because I think you need to act soon.
1. Get as far away as soon as you can. You did once and you’d better do it again. Don’t argue, don’t debate – you don’t need his permission or agreement. You can’t count on the law so find other people to help you.
2. Your son needs you to make him safe or else he’ll learn from a very bad example either to be a victim or to be an abusive bully. He sees who wins. He’ll believe what you do, not what you say.
3. Break the pattern you have that got you into this mess to begin with, so you don’t repeat it with another man. Learn the early warning signs of bullies and get away as fast and far as you can. Don’t believe the excuses, reasons, justifications, promises, B.S. Learn to say, “No! Your son is counting on you.
I know it’s hard. But it’s the only path that has any hope for a better future. The longer you wait, the more worn out you’ll get. You’ll be surprised at how good you’ll feel and how much energy you’ll have once you get away. Even though you’ll be afraid at first.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
January 30th, 2011 at 11:03 am
I got married last year June. I saw signs of bullying before i got married to my husband but i thought it was he was being a man and trying to protect me….till i got married to him!!!
He is rude, aggressive, controlling, and very selfish. He makes plans with regards to our finance but does not include me in the decision making. he threatens that if i dont do what he says he will punish me and true to his words he has been punishing me by not speaking to me for days or eating what i have prepared, putting passwords on cable tv and internet and so much more. He never owns up to anything as far as he is concerned its always my fault. i have decided to leave him but i am so scared of being alone and worry a lot about what people will say.
February 1st, 2011 at 4:56 pm
I can totally understand what you are going thru. I met my husband in 1992! He hated my family from day 1. No reason. They should have hated him! He made me burn all my photos from my past, get rid of clothes I had worn before him, I had to be home 25 mins after work so he could call (it took me 25 mins from work). Any reason and he would scream and shout that I did not appreciate him and always threatened to end the relationship. Then Mr Hyde stepped in and the circle of violence had taken it’s course for a short time towards the positive!! A real honeymoon time of peace and loving (loving still very much on is terms – I did not dare shatter this time of ‘happiness’) Then he started setting me up for failure and the trap was made once again. The questions, accusations and finally the blow up again! I could never win whatever I said! There were thousands of rules for him and none for me. The mind games were unbearable and if anyone could have asked me what an argument was about I could never explain. It started with one thing and had multiplied 10 fold by the end ,that no explanation was ever conceivable! Of course, the whole verbal abuse was because of me.
February 1st, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Hope this helpsx
February 2nd, 2011 at 6:35 am
Hi Felicia
Unfortunately, your situation is all too common – but the upside is that lots of women have gotten away and made wonderful lives for themselves. You can too.
Act fast – before you get pregnant.
You’re at a choice point in life. What matters most: The rest of the life you hope to have or your, “scared of being alone and worry a lot about what people will say”?
I hope you choose the rest of your life. If you do, you’ll find people who think you were courageous and strong, and who’ll admire you.
If you do, you won’t be alone. Worse than being alone for a while until you find the tribe of your heart and spirit is being alone while there’s some goon there taking up all the space and being an abusive bully.
It’ll only get worse so act now, while you have a chance.
Also, next time don’t talk yourself out of what your intuition tells you.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 4th, 2011 at 11:21 am
Hi Samantha,
Thanks for sharing your situation. Yes it helps.
Unfortunately, your experience is all too common.
First – bullies bully because they’re predators. If you look at them that way, you’ll realize that it’s not your fault; it’s theirs.
Bullies bully and they blame it all on the victim (for a thousand reasons) or on the bad stuff that was done to them when they were younger (as if they have no choice). They always have reasons, excuses, blame and justifications. But that’s all nonsense. They bully because they’re bullies. You can’t do therapy on a hyena, so don’t try.
But you can learn to recognize the Early Warning Signs and you can learn to stop them in their tracks. For example, see the case studies of Brandi, Lucy and Jean in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site. They earned to stop bullying.
As for being blamed, you might look at my last article: “Bullying Spouses won’t be Convinced to Change,” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/02/bullying-spouses-wont-be-convinced-to-change/.
Don’t you wish he had ended the relationship on day 1 instead of merely threatening? You’ll never win so why don’t you end it before it’s too late!!!!!!!
The biggest qualities you have that make you a target are that you don’t know how to recognize the Early Warning Signs (I’ll bet the woman at church showed some) and you don’t know how to stop them in their tracks. You may need expert coaching to learn.
You may be a target but you don’t have to remain a victim.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 13th, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Its funny. My husband acts charming and super-friendly to me around any acquaintance, but when we’re alone he immediately becomes self centered and critical of me. Lately I will actually watch him change. Its a little creepy–like day and night.
He was very convincing–almost too good to be true.
I should have realized when he threw a fit about heels, prohibiting me from wearing them because I “just wanted men to want to have sex with me.” Or when nothing I wore was right (not long sleeve turtle necks), it was all too sexy. Or when he questioned why I (and not every other woman we see on the street) wore makeup. Or when he got angry at me for “flirting” with his male friends by talking about subjects that he wasn’t completely knowledgeable about (like opera). Or when he got drunk and stalked me when I went on a mandatory field trip for a biology class–and the only thing he could say for himself was why was I wearing pants that jiggle (though they weren’t tight) and why did I have to walk in front of that male classmate–(who I never even talked to). Or when he got a hold of my old (teenage) journal and told me to go “sleep with every man around the block.”
Now we live together and every night he goes into the garage and drinks and smokes alone until at least 8pm. His mother thinks he does this because I don’t cook dinner well enough–(but-yeah did I mention he lies and manipulates my image to others?) We never go to social situations because I am “un-supportive” of him socially (he gets jealous if I talk to anyone but him, or if I offer any opinion or knowledge of my own in front of others). And every time we are together he reminds me of how I contribute “zero” to the relationship, I am not appreciative at all, I am not enthusiastic, humble, or loving enough, I don’t clean the house right, I pay too much attention to my son (more than a child needs–according to him),I’m not a hard worker, I act like a man, and I am somehow mysteriously getting a “free ride” off my husband by paying half of all the bills (mortgage and house tax included) and buying all the food in the house, while I take in 700$ a month, go to college full time, and care for my son, and he earns 3400$ a month and puts it in his bank account. BTW, were not legally married so I don’t have any rights in regards to the home ownership anyway–I am basically a tenant helping to pay off his house–but still, he is “taking care” of me.
I just wish I had acted five years ago when we started dating, instead of having to deal with the rapidly degenerating mess now. It’s Valentines day tomorrow–but because I declined to go for a walk with him at 6am this morning when he did (I have a bad cough and it was cold out), he will probably spend it like he spent today–drinking and telling me how horrible I am and how worthless our relationship is.
Thanks for your article. This kind of thing really is poison for the family and the individual soul.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:19 pm
Hi Cherish,
Thinks are so bad I’ll believe everything you say and be straightforward.
You need to cherish your soul and your son.
Get out of there and take your son. Set a good example for him of the consequences when men act the way your husband does. Actions speak; words don’t.
Stop arguing with your husband, stop justifying yourself, stop trying to prove you’re a good person to people whose opinions don’t matter – him, his mother, people he’s fooled.
Whatever it takes to get away; do it. Make a plan. Get a lawyer. Stash some money. Protect yourself.
You’ve spent some years living in prison already. Don’t waste the rest of your life that way. Create a place to live where you have people around you who care about you.
That’s why we have “Dump the Jerk Day” the week before Valentine’s Day. As long as there’s a jerk filling up the space there’s no room for anyone else to come in. How will you find people who make your heart and soul soar when he’s breathing all the air?
You need expert coaching. And see the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 21st, 2011 at 10:54 am
[...] seen so many abusive husbands beg their victims for forgiveness, and then after a short period of good behavior, go right back to [...]
February 21st, 2011 at 1:22 pm
Thank you Ben, for this website!
I just came across it today, and realized I should write to all the women out there who have abusive husbands.
My husband also is abusive, and we also have been married for 20 years. He was never physically abusive, only verbally, but it started as soon as I moved in with him after our marriage. He completely ran my daughter off (from a previous marriage) and destroyed my relationship with her. I stayed as long as I did because I believed my son needed a father, and my son also constantly begged me to stay until he was 18. My son also liked the lifestyle my husband provided him, and didn’t want to lose his friends by moving. My son continually interceded with my husband for me, so essentially tried to keep him at bay.
My husband worked alot and his commute time was 3 hours a day, so it was somewhat bearable because my husband wasn’t there until late at night, and then left early in the morning. But of course as soon as he came in at night, the control freak emerged, things got nasty, and our own lives would just stop.
He controled my job, our money, everything. Would not listen to me, or consider my opinion about anything at all. I was beneath him, and my opinions and values were the same as trash. He constantly disrespected me, and by his behavior made it clear that it was fine with him if others (relatives, etc) disrespected me too.
My son got accepted to an out of state university last year, and as my son promised, we moved together. My husband would not pay anything for his education, so I took out the Parent plus loan to get him through his first year. I did have some savings (I had my own house when we were married, which I rented out, so while not a huge income, that accumulated somewhat). I realize that I am more fortuante that most.
But this is what I want to tell all the ladies out there suffering the same abuse. The relationship with my husband had its effect on my HEALTH, and I have progressively become disabled. My husband insisted I continue working when it was obvious that my hands could now longer do the repetitive movements that I had been doing for over 20 years.
I kept at it (at his insistance) until the ligaments were destroyed.
And then when I had to have operations, I was able to stop working while on disability from the operations. That provided a slight income while I applied for SSDI. But the fact is, it wasn’t just my hands that deteriorated. I also had a heart attack, I developed intestional problems, UTI’s, Liver problems, the list just kept getting longer and longer! The point is that this abuse has a direct effect on your emotions which has an effect on your health! Even if you are very strong emotionally, it WILL wear you away. Get out while you can!!
So I have finally moved away from my husband. And now he is again trying hard to get me back. He can be charming -mostly around strangers (and yes, he also has no friends, except for me!) He says he has stopped drinking, and is going for counseling. But the interesting thing is that he did not (and will not)admit to any counselor that he drinks. Then he only went to 4 sessions, and thinks he doesn’t need any more! Beyond drinking, when we were in family counseling many years ago for issues surrounding my daughter, the counselor took me aside and showed me the definitions for OCPD & OCPS, and told me they applied to my husband. I think this really is the bottom of my husbands problems, but he of course, doesn’t think he has any problems.
I have been apart from my husband now for 7 months, and 3 of my physical issues have resolved.
Of course I still have multipule physical problems, but I am finding ways around some of them. And my son helps me alot.
My advise to you if you feel you cannot get out, is to pray, PRAY, PRAY, and look for any opportunity that will provide you an out! It will happen but you may have to make it happen!
February 22nd, 2011 at 10:52 am
Reading these stories reaffirms my strength, and makes me feel quite ill at the same time. I was raised by a single mother, who believed that my little brother and I should have had a “father figure”. Just before I was a teenager, she began a relationship with a man, and she fell in love. He turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. She often convinced herself that the next thing he did would make him realize that he needed help, and that she could be there to help him through – then we could be a “happy family”. He was mainly abusive toward me because I refused to be coerced or bullied. If he was drunk and verbally abusive, I would argue with him, defending whomever his target was that day. He ground down what little self-esteem my mother had left. She’s been on anti-depressants now for nearly 20 years, and I imagine will be until she dies. She has gained nearly 100 Lbs since then. When I was 13, he had approached me sexually and when I told my mother about it, she was unsure. He convinced her that I was a liar. I felt as if she chose him over me. The violence toward me continued to escalate, and I moved out on my own at 15. She finally left him when he tried to strangle my brother, realizing that I was not the catalyst for his anger. Fast forward 6 years. I am now a single mother, working at a menial job to support myself and my son. I have mostly isolated myself (his biological father was an addict whom I left as soon as I found out I was pregnant)and have dedicated my life to raising him to the best of my ability. Life gets lonely, and an old friend from high school decides to begin getting me to socialize with him, his wife and their friends. I meet a nice man, he is awesome with the kids, we date for a bit, he moves in, he buys a house and we marry. Sounds good, right? Yeah… the abuse starts soon after. He goes so far as to rape me while I am pregnant with our daughter – but never actually hits me, so he doesn’t think he is abusive. He is verbally abusive to my son, and intolerant of emotional display by the boy. He calls him “Nancy” any time he cries, and witholds affection. Even he withdraws from friends until we have very few people we ever see – all of which he is related to. I work full time, seasonally, and can never do enough for him. Anything I do is never right. When I finally realize that he isn’t going to change, I go to the local welfare office and tell them that I am leaving my husband, and why. They are very supportive and advise me to open a separate bank account. 2 days later they have cut me a check for the apartment I have rented for myself and my 2 kids. It’s small, only 2 bedrooms, but I’d rather share a bed with my daughter than my husband. I had lost my job (economy!!), and am now relying on welfare until I can find work, but the stress is so much easier to deal with now that I have put myself back in control. If I have to go to credit counselling, or go get a debt repayment proposal, so be it. (My debt has been run up to nearly $40,000 in repairs and maintenance from my husband’s house)
But you know what? I’m happier. And my son is shining again. My little boy can cry when he’s sad, hurt, or angry. And he smiles. My daughter is too young to understand completely, and being daddy’s little girl, this is confusing to her (he’s always treated her well). But she’s good too.
Oddly enough, he seems to have learned a lot too. Once I had gathered my self, I felt free to tell him the truth about himself with out being afraid of his reaction. I am in my own home. He has been largely receptive to what I have had to say. His behavior has improved enough, that my son actually wants to spend some time with him, and when he does, he usually enjoys it. My husband has thanked me for teaching him how to be a dad rather than a bully. He still is upset about “us”, but is no longer threatening.
Moral of the story: It’s all bout power. You hear that all the time about bullies, but if you flip it over, it’s still about power. I felt like I had lost control, but really, I had resigned my power. When I decided to no longer be powerless, it changed the dynamic entirely. I am in control now, as much as anyone can ever control life.
We all have the power to change our lives, if only we can summon the strength to take on that responsibility. The power of a mother’s commitment to her children, the power of a woman’s commitment to herself. You cannot raise your children to the best of your ability if you are not at your best. How can we tell our children that this is wrong, if they see us tolerate and allow abuse to continue, if only to ourselves? It is not self-sacrifice. It is teaching our kids that we are powerless in our own lives, and that it is acceptable to be so.
I wish I could reach out to every one of you, hold your hand for a moment, listen to you. Hug you, and tell you that you can do it. You can. We all can. I did. It really is a choice, and as complicated as it is, it all comes down to that. A choice. Good luck to you all. Choose to love yourself a little more, for you and for our kids.
February 24th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
It was nice to see there are others who have similiar situations. My marriage gone bad to worse. Not only does my husband verbally and physically hurt but my stepson tries to also. My son is constantly pushed around verbally and my husband has only grabbed his shirt and yelled at him, but still they both say hurtful things to him. One time I was thrown and another my husband held me down and screamed in my face. My stepson would do very indecent things in church and was told to leave. Now they bad mouth my church for not putting up with my stepsons sexual inuendos in Sunday School. My husband will stand up for my stepson even though he is very wrong and the evidence is there. At school, my stepson targets my sons friends and tries to get them in trouble. My husband makes threats when we stand up to this behavior. Its gotta stop. I have to leave. For Christmas, my stepson said he was going to get me a noose, my husband said a way out. I didnt get anything for christmas or valentines day. I dont want to break my vows in marriage, but I dont want to be crazy or dead either. My stepson is facinated with weapons, and I had told him to put up his sword and his father told me to mind my own business and if I touch the sword I can pack my bags. I have already started to pack. And the sword, well, its hid. I am not afraid or intimidated, but I feel very disappointed and lied to. My husband promised to cherish and love me. He told me he would back me up in raising these kids. The oldest child of his ran away from home because he was on drugs. You would think we all would learn from this. Nope. I have better things to do with my life than rot in a marriage where someone doesnt really love me. Thanks for waking me up.
February 28th, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Today… today was probably the hardest, most stressful day of my life. I have spent the last two months planning very carefully my escape from an abusive monster that I used to call my boyfriend, and today was d-day… and by some act of god and with the help of some co-workers and a few very special friends, I was able to get myself and my five fur-babies moved out of the apartment we shared and into my own apartment, far away from him, where he doesn’t know where we are, and can not get to us anymore. As you can still imagine though, it is all still fresh, and I am experiencing such a range of emotions it’s almost ridiculous… one minute I’m sad, the next angry, the next I miss him and want to just go home to him, the next relief, the next fear… it’s almost unbearable. My friend that helped me move today said to me before she had to go, that yes it hurts now, but there’s an end in sight now, and pretty soon it won’t hurt anymore… If you had stayed, the hurt wouldn’t ever have gone away.
I’ve been reading all the stories from abused women (above) and some of their stories ring so true and some I don’t relate to, but more often than not, something from each story strikes me as so familiar, and so painful I just want to reach into the computer and wrap my arms around those women, hug them tightly and tell them that Ben is right… you HAVE to make a plan, no matter how long it takes (I was lucky that we never had any kids together, I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would have been to leave had their been children involved, it was hard enough with our five cats!)… and no matter what you have to hide from him (money, emails, plans)… you have to do it, or he will crush your spirt, and eventually you’ll be so brain-washed and beat down that you won’t ever leave.
It started within the first few months we lived together, one night he was drinking whiskey, and I had gone to bed early, having no fear of what might come next, because I hadn’t experienced any abuse from him yet. I was woken up in the middle of the night by him tearing me out of bed by my hair and dragging me across the floor and into the living room, where I was forced to sit and listen to his music (blasting by the way, in a tiny apartment) and watch him cry and sob over god knows what… at one point, he mimicked something out of the movie ‘The Ring’… if any of you ladies out there have seen it, you will know what I’m talking about… when the little girl Samara comes out of the TV and walks slowly and methodically, but very creepy at the same time, and across the living room floor towards her victim (you have to just have seen the movie to understand why it was so scary)… he did that coming out of the kitchen at me, moving towards me like a friggin demon, with this look in his eye like he was going to kill me. That was so scary I swear to god I could have peed in my pants. He wouldn’t let me go back to bed, I HAD to sit there and just put up with this crap until HE passed out… and the next day… he acted like it was nothing at all that happened, and I was the crazy one for blowing it out of proportion. That was the first few months into our relationship, and I don’t have an answer for you as to why I stayed then, I guess I must have just thought that maybe it WASN’T so bad, maybe I WAS blowing it out of proportion, and besides, he was really drunk, right? Wrong… it only got worse, and drastically worse as the years flew by.
From there it progressed into hitting, slapping, punching, head-butting, he kicked our poor sick dog in the face with his steel-toes once, he used to torment me with the thought that he was going to just kill her one day, spitting in my face, spitting on the floor, peuking all over the place when he was drunk (which was every day and even worse on payday weekends), pissing all over the house too every time he’s drunk, tormenting our five cats (our poor sick puppy ended up dying from Addison’s disease), tormenting me, music always always just blasting even though we still lived in a small apartment, always calling me names, always had an opinion of what I should wear and especially how I should do my hair, for some reason… he forced me to have sex with him on numerous occasions, one time in particular I cried through the whole time he was having sex with me, and when he was done, he got off me, slapped me in the face, and walked away. That was never brought up again, because there was just no point to ever bring it up again, it wasn’t going to get me anywhere anyways.
I could keep going with stories that would make your blood run cold, but the sick part of all of this, is that he could be the sweetest, most wonderful, caring man in the whole world when he’s sober, but then he’d turn into the most cruel, abusive, hurtful, mean and awful human being to have to put up with… yet I stayed, for EIGHT years I stayed and put up with it, because I felt like maybe I WAS the crazy one, and he was just fine. He had me so brainwashed that I felt the same as one girl mentioned above, even though I’m relieved to be away from him, I feel like I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore, without him in my life.
Today was the hardest day of my life, but I made it through it, we got me moved out after he went to work, and myself and my fur-babies are safe, and he can’t ever hurt us again. NOW comes the hard part though. I turned my cell phone off just so I can get some peace, because the last thing I want to do is talk to him when I’m such a mess today, emotionally-speaking. I’m just waiting for the storm to hit though, when I do have to deal with him, I just hope that I can stay strong enough to continue on in this wonderful path that I’ve somehow, through the grace of god, been given a second chance at finding.
Wherever you have to look for the courage to GET OUT AND STAY OUT, find it… my dear sisters, please find the strength, because he WON’T change, he absolutely will not change, not unless HE wants to, of course. The only person capable of changing him, is him… all your years of waiting and hoping and sympathy and understanding of his messed up ways, will not amount to anything in the end. You’re wasting your time, please take it from me. I am sitting here alive today, because I found that courage somewhere, where I thought I didn’t have anymore left. I did it, I got out today, and even though I am hurting so bad as I sit alone with my five cats in my almost empty apartment,I know that the pain WILL end soon, and that I deserve so much more than what I’ve been allowing myself to take all these years. I started loving myself again, and I took my power back.
Thank you for letting me vent, I really needed that today.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:14 pm
Hi Theresa,
I’m so glad you got away. Don’t go back no matter how charming and persuasive he is. Don’t go back because you think you can rescue him. Don’t go back because you feel sorry if you think your ex-husband sacrificed himself by travelling for so long. You’ve already paid the price.
You decided to sacrifice your mental and physical health so your son could enjoy his lifestyle and friends. Now you live with the consequences. Whatever your ex-husband dished out or insisted on, you did. Don’t repeat that pattern again.
Looking back you can see that the cost was too high. So begin again in a different way. Get what you can of your health and life back. Then get more.
Thanks for sharing. Everyone needs to see that’s the cost of being a devoted mother the way you were. It used to be that it only cost mothers a tooth for every baby.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 28th, 2011 at 9:15 pm
Hi Honesty,
You sound wonderful, magnificent. Good for claiming your power and turning your life around.
Yes, your mother sacrificed you and your brother to her images and her wishful thinking. She was too weak to make it happen for you. That’s a good lesson for all of us to avoid in our lives.
Raising your children is incredibly hard. But you have incredible strength, courage and character. And you’ve found help by people who understand.
By the way, even though I’ve helped many people change, I’m always skeptical and want to see performance over time. No matter what your ex-husband says, I’d suggest you see how he acts for at least 5 years.
Set your sights high. You sound real smart and persevering. Always look for better men and better friends. You might find someone worthy.
Thanks for sharing you story. I hope many other people read it and draw the courage, strength and determination they need to get free of anyone who would oppress them.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 28th, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Hi Anonimity123
Good for you.
What more do you need? Stop excusing them because they’re only … Why wait until you or your son get beaten or abused?
Vows in marriage come second (or tenth) to many other vows. How about your vow to stay alive or your vow to protect your son? Would you let vultures pick his eyes out or jackals eat him because you took a vow to love all life?
You gave your son life; now give him a chance for a good life.
Your husband will probably get nasty and greedy. He’ll justify anything rotten he wants to do by blaming on you and because you deserve it. Make a plan so you don’t leave everything valuable behind.
Get local support. Get an expert coach. Get a lawyer. Make a plan that fits you and the situation.
Beware of people with their own agendas (“missionaries”) who want you to give him one more chance. Easy for them; it’s not their body or their son’s on the line. Get them off your island; get your life back.
See the recent posts:
Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/
Stop Bullies: Forgiveness Won’t Work
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/21/stop-bullies-forgiveness-wont-work/
Stop Bullies: Unconditional Love Won’t Work
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/16/stop-bullies-unconditional-love-wont-work/
Stop Bullies: Dump the Jerk Day
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/08/stop-bullies-dump-the-jerk-day/
Post #152 – Stop Bullies: Start Here
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/10/stop-bullies-start-here/
Next time, don’t be so gullible. Pay less attention to what people say or promise and more to what they do. Actions speak louder than words. It’s not about WHETHER he loves you, it’s about HOW he loves you, how he treats you. The first time someone bullies or abuses you, get them off your island – no matter how they excuse or justify their behavior.
If you need help designing a specific plan that fits you and your circumstances, or to maintain your perseverance and resilience, I do a lot of phone coaching. Call me at 303-458-6616 to set up an appointment.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 1st, 2011 at 9:44 pm
Hi beat down NO LONGER!
Thanks for sharing your inspirational story. If you can do it, other people can too.
Keep your goal in mind, especially during the worst of times. Your goal: the life you’ve always wanted, filled with people who treat you good 24/7 to share it with.
Get a new phone number and a new email address. Get off Facebook if you’re on, but have a friend watch in case he creates a fake page for you. In that case, save a copy and report to the police. File for divorce! Let your local cops know you’re afraid and he’s charming and dangerous and you’d like them to drive by your apartment.
Some lesson for readers:
1. Who decides what’s the right proportions? For your personal space, you do.
2. Once bullies get away with pushing the boundaries – for any reason – they’ll push the next one harder and so on forever.
3. Don’t accept “drunk” as an excuse twice…or even once.
4. Don’t be misled by promises, excuses, pleading, begging or threats. Don’t be brainwashed by your soft heart. Let him go through his changes on someone else’s body.
5. Find friends and allies. Let them help you.
Check out the articles:
Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/
Stop Bullies: Forgiveness Won’t Work
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/21/stop-bullies-forgiveness-wont-work/
Stop Bullies: Unconditional Love Won’t Work
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/16/stop-bullies-unconditional-love-wont-work/
Stop Bullies: Dump the Jerk Day
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/08/stop-bullies-dump-the-jerk-day/
Stop Bullies: Start Here
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/10/stop-bullies-start-here/
Post #151 – Bullying Spouses won’t be Convinced to Change
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/02/bullying-spouses-wont-be-convinced-to-change/
Also, see the case studies of Lucy and Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
You said it best: “I started loving myself again, and I took my power back.”
Best wishes,
Ben
March 13th, 2011 at 12:33 am
Hi. My name is charmil…. I am 18 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for 1yr and 6mo. And he is very controlling he has done almost about everything to me he has hit me with all kinds of things cords, brushes, cans, sprayed air freshner on me and I dnt know what to do. After he hits me he tells me he loves me, then he does it again, then he does it again and want everything to be okay he even smiles after everything is done. I tell him I dnt want to have sex but he makes me do it and I cry so hard. He just hit me 30minutes ago. And he smokes weed and he asked me to smoke with him and I said no then he said if I don’t je was going to beat my ass. He slammed my head into the wall and eveything. He knows where I live I tried to get away but he will do anything to get there and he will beat me there…. I don’t know what to do I need help
March 13th, 2011 at 9:39 am
Try being married to someone who claims to love and adore you has repeated verbally abused you. Humiliates you in public such as when we go dancing and we are having a wonderful time for him to grab another woman and grind her from behind while I watch. I have been humliated this way so many times. The last time he did it finally woke me up for some reason.
March 15th, 2011 at 9:33 am
Hi Charmil,
This is scary. Your life is in danger and you know what you must do. You must get way.
Don’t listen to him. Don’t argue or debate with him. Make a plan and keep it secret. Get a little money. Your life is on the line.
Find a shelter for battered women even though you don’t have kids, go to the police and see if someone will advise you; move a thousand miles away in the middle of the night; change your phone and email, close down your Facebook and stay off. Later you can start another one with a different name.
Don’t hook up with anyone new until you get over your attraction to predators. Learn the early warning signs and get away immediately. No second chances.
It doesn’t matter if you feel love or fear. The only feeling that matters at this point is the drive to survive.
You can do it. Millions of others before you did. Some of your ancestors must have. You have their genes. Survive and do better the next 60 years.
Good luck,
Ben
March 15th, 2011 at 9:34 am
Hi Devastated,
Good for you. The important thing is not how long it took you, but that you finally woke up.
Don’t believe their words; believe their actions. Act based on their actions. Vote him off your island.
Don’t debate or argue. Make a plan and keep it secret. Get away and get a good life.
Your future is calling to you. Your spirit is calling to you. Answer your spirit.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 19th, 2011 at 6:28 pm
My story is not as bad as these others before me, but I too am being bullied and now have to decide whether to change myself or leave.
My husband does not control my finances or employment or friendships or time with family. He does not physically or verbally abuse me.
He does want to have sex up to six times a day and wants to do things that I have said no to (because it hurts me). The fear started when I was pregnant because I became too “loose” for him and he wasn’t satisfied anymore, he considers it is very important to get his needs met within the marriage. If I say no to something he sulks or asks repeatedly or says I’m mean or that “You started it”.
His mother has been verbally abusive to me and makes threats, also offers him money to divorce me.
I don’t have any children yet because I lost my pregnancy and recently I have had stress related breakdown due to losing the baby and then my husband lost his job. I am now studying natural therapy which is something I enjoy. I want to have children and a nice family life, now I am wondering if I need to leave and find another man.
I want to have sex on my terms but because I feel a bit traumatized by the pressure, I have lost confidence. He repeatedly threatened to leave me. I told him I would be more sexual if he promised not to threaten to leave. He got upset and kind of agreed, but not directly. When we had sex I got upset and said I needed to stop but he didn’t like hearing no. I had to say it a few times.
Is there anything I can do to heal this or is it a lost cause? Like others, my husband is an intelligent loner. I enjoy his companionship at times but wish he would participate in some hobbies with me instead of expecting me to spend all my spare time in the bedroom.
I previously put up with an abusive boyfriend for 2 years and my father was abusive.
March 21st, 2011 at 8:54 pm
Further to my post above I should explain that I am still with him because I feel safe to talk to him and he is generally a peaceful friendly person. I seem to have some major issues with boundaries and don’t want to be abandoned because I am afraid of being lonely.
March 24th, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Hi Next Step,
I’ll believe everything you say (because it’s all too common), I’ll hallucinate about the situation you’re in and I’ll also be straightforward.
Get away before it’s too late. Once you get pregnant, you’ll feel trapped. The longer you stay, the worse it’ll get. The longer you stay, the more you’ll accept that it’s your fault.
He’s had this blaming pattern all his life – “it’s all your fault”. He’s an emotional blackmailer and abusive, bully. He thinks he doesn’t need to change (immediately), you do.
You’re selling your soul and any possibility of a great future because you “have some major issues with boundaries and don’t want to be abandoned because I am afraid of being lonely.”
Also, you know the pattern you need to get over: “I previously put up with an abusive boyfriend for 2 years and my father was abusive.”
The momentary goodies you get from him aren’t worth the price you have to pay. And the price will keep increasing.
Take charge of yourself and your future. Put up with temporary discomfort. Get an expert coach to help you.
Vote him off your island before it’s too late. Make space for someone wonderful, 24/7, to come on.
It’s your life: Be the hero of your life.
See the case studies of Lucy and Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 27th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Hi,
I needed someone to talk to and that is why I would like to tell my story because I know there is a lot of women out there who does not know how to get help or are not strong enough to get help.
I have been married with my husband for almost seven years and the beating, pushing,hitting started while I was pregnant with our first child.
It went on and on and I even attempted telling his mom about the abuse, but what did I get.She typically blamed me and gave me enough reasons why I deserve the abuses.
Recently, I got the worst beating of my life. He slapped, beat,punch and almost strangulated me to death all in front of my two kids. My kids were crying and he wld not stop.Still in pains and utterly confues..I need advise
March 28th, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Hi Lizzy,
I’ll be straightforward. You know what you need to do. It’s just that it’s really hard with two children.
You need to get help and get away and get divorced before he kills you.
Wherever you are, you have to find the wonderful people who run shelters for battered women. They can help get you safe, get you in touch with lawyers and help you get on your feet economically.
His mother is not the solution. Threatening him with leaving is not the solution. The police and safe houses are the start of a solution. Your children need you to do this fast.
Here’s the link to an article I wrote about one safe house and the wonderful woman who runs it. It’s probably not in your town or city, but there are many others like it. It’ll help you see what you need to do.
Stop Domestic Violence and Bullying
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/12/13/stop-domestic-violence-and-bullying/
Make your plan in secret, get their help and act. Have courage!
Best wishes,
Ben
March 30th, 2011 at 2:36 pm
I’ve known my husband for 19 years. He ‘took me over’ and controlled me from day one. I understood it was because of his situation as he was married at the time. Our time was spent at my home mostly in the bedroom! He did not want to enter far incase of being found out!? During this time I was made to burn all my photos from my previous life along with clothing I had worn with a previous boyfriend. I always made the excuse (to myself) that he was in a difficult situation and needed my 100 percent backing – so I did the things he ordered (after alot of arguments) He said that if I loved him enough I would do all these things.
I had no further contact with friends (because they were a bad influence) but to add salt to injury, he didn’t even OK contact with my family….for the time-being! I was left in a stupid and confused world. He sabotaged where I worked because he phoned constantly and I had to phone him too (at least in all 5 times a day) After work I had to be to the minute at home (this was before mobile phones) otherwise the questions and blame would start. (He thought I was having affairs)
Eventually I moved abroad with him to his home country, thinking that things would improve. Divorce etc. Unfortunately what I thought would improve only increased!! He began to demand what I wore and expected an obedient wife waiting for him. If I refused he would put his hands around my neck and push me against the wall. He seemed to enjoy grabbing my jaw if he needed something to say. It went on and on…. I left him and returned to the UK with our son. I was penalised because I had ‘kidnapped’ our son and had to return thru the Hague Convention within 24 hours! After promises and how wonderful he was and that ‘he would consider in having me back’ I returned. (I felt a little guilty because I hadn’t really understood what had really happened).
He doesn’t physically abuse me anymore but verbally he does. We have 2 further daughters now. There are weeks of silence but then it starts all over again about how bad I am and what I don’t do for him. I think he is a sex addict because 5 times a day is not abnormal for him. I feel like a matress! Luckily he is away alot, and I have found out about girlsfriends thru his mobile. He doesn’t care! If I would do what he wants he wouldn’t have to go somewhere else!!
I want to leave and have a plan but my conscious sometimes pricks me!! He works hard and is away from home but at the same time nothing changes when he’s here for weeks!!
How can you help me?
Sam
April 2nd, 2011 at 12:55 pm
Hi Sam,
I’m so sorry that you’re in so deep. But you know the only solution to dealing with a classic case of a narcissistic, abusive bully.
I’ll be straightforward.
1. Arguments don’t count. What counts is what you do afterward. You gave in. And the more you gave in the more he controlled.
2. Like most people, you thought that understanding would help you solve the problem. But that’s not true when you’re trying to stop bullies. Understanding won’t help you. Whatever his reasons are – cultural, personal – they don’t matter.
3. They only thing that matters is what behavior you allow in your space. I’ll say that again. What matters is what you allow in your space for your own reasons. This is not a debate or an argument about what’s right. This is you on your own deciding what you’ll allow in your environment and what you won’t allow. Period. End of story.
See:
Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/
Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/10/04/stop-bullies-will-knowing-why-bullies-keep-abusing-us-help-us-stop-them/
You need to get as far away as you can as soon as you can. Your children need you to get them as far away as you can. If you stay a son will probably become a bully like his father while a daughter will probably become a victim like her mother.
You don’t have to judge him as bad or evil or … whatever psychological thing. You just decide to get away.
See the article:
Stop Bullying: Are Bullies Evil?
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/03/14/stop-bullying-are-bullies-evil/
Leave the conscience that was beat into your head when you were a child and start making a future worth living.
You have to help yourself into a better future. You have to help your children have a better future. You said you have a plan. Act on your plan.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 12th, 2011 at 1:26 am
Here’s my story I’ve never told anyone. I’ve been married 5 yrs but together 11.5 yrs.
We met on my birthday! I thought that was the best gift ever. I met a man that loved me and my children.
One yr later, I quit my job with the DOJ, sold my home, enrolled my 3 children into a new school & moved into his home. After a long moving, we were all tired & starved!
All vehicles were packed drove up into the driveway to our new home. We smelled the BBQ smoker cooking. I thought what a sweetheart, cooked us all dinner. As soon as we walked into the kitchen, I was told there wasn’t enough food & he only made it for him & his buddy that help me move. To go sit on the front steps & wait or leave until he was done eating. I was hurt but so confused because he’s never talked to me this way before. I thought what the hell, I just sold my home, pulled my children out of their school!
That was my red flag, but I didn’t reconize at that time but it was the start of an abusive cycle, to live in an abusive relationship that changed my life forever.
When meeting his relatives for the first time, I was lectured for hrs before we went what questions I could answer if they asked me. He told me that he was ashamed of my past-i was divorced.
A few yrs went by we started up our own business, thinking this would help. I invested over $150K cash into our business.
I worked 40+hrs at my 8-5 job, a family to take care of & a business to run. Each day, month, year got worse. I was told I am nothing, I havent contributed nothing in the household, worthless, a horrible parent (he threatened to call Child Protective Services if I didn’t listen & have my children taken away from me)and then calling me a slut, drunk whore because I had 2 beers after work w/ friends, piece of shit in front of my children.
When I cried in front of him I was told I was crazy & have mental problems. So I cried silent tears after everyone went to bed in the bathroom.
I an unemployed but still seeking employment, our business is done & the stress between us is impossible to survive. My husband closed all the bank accts, has hidden all the equipment we purchased thru our business & I am left with nothing.
I have filed for divorce, cant even afford to do that. Our home is sold, less than 30 days to close. I cant rent apt, I have no job, my credit it shot & I have no friends since I wasnt allowed to have any. My credit card is maxed with nowhere to go.
How does one keep their chin up? How can anyone survive after being emotionally drained & beat down by the man that was suppose to love me? He called me today laughing at me asking how I am going to pay my bills with nothing? Informing me that my children will be losers just like me.
I am not the woman I was 11.5 yrs ago. When I look in the mirror I see someone else. I was fun, use to laugh, I even had a great sense of humor, had endless friends, confident & happy.
April 12th, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Hi Kim Mary,
Thanks for sharing your story. I know a lot of people will recognize their own choices. And I’m so sad for the ones you’ve made. But we all have to learn some lessons the hard way.
I’ll be straightforward.
For 11 ½ years you’ve been digging a very deep hole for yourself and your children. Now you have to dig just as hard, but not as long, to make steps so you can climb out. You can!!!!!
As you now know, you husband is a bullying, abusive, narcissistic boundary pusher. Once he had you invested, he beat you down. Each time you let him push a boundary over, that became the starting point for pushing the next boundary over…and the next…and the next…and the next.
You can never stop boundary pushers by arguing, debating, begging, bribery or appeasement. No amount they get will fill them up enough so they stop pushing for more.
Ladies, beware. Hold you boundaries from the very beginning. If they don’t like it, if they keep arguing and threatening and pushing, if they treat you like dirt, vote them off your island.
Kim Mary, be smart and shrewd. Get legal advice…maybe from people at a battered women’s shelter. He’ll go after you and try to make your life hell so you have to convince people that he’s persecuting you. Change your phone, change your email, get off Facebook, think of a restraining order. Your children need you to fight smart for them.
Of course you’ve been emotionally drained. He’s like an energy vampire bleeding you dry. But now, no matter how bad it seems, with him out of your life, you can begin to fill up again.
So, how do you keep your chin up? The way everyone does – every battered woman or slave or prisoner. You keep it up because you want to, because you must. You reach deep into your soul for your strength. You have in you the inheritance of ancestors who survived much worse. Connect with those spirits. Become invulnerable. Because you want to, because you must.
I know it’s not easy. But it’s what we must do. When you do, you’ll be a wonderful model for your children. They need you.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 18th, 2011 at 12:04 am
Hi Ben
I am a mother of two adorable kids one is 4years(daughter) and the other one is 6 years(son),They are not going to school because my husband is controlling the finances, and he said that their is nothing wrong and i must do homeschooling but he does not give the money for homeschooling. My son has a emotional and speaking problem, and he is a very stressed out little boy and my daughter is the tough one. My husband is very controlling i can’t even visit my parents then their is a huge fight. I have been fiscally abused and emotional. He hates my parents and his parents don’t want me in his life and i get the blame for everything. Every morning he screams at me for the smallest thing and every afternoon he goes and sit in front of the Computer and play games until he goes to bed. He have lady friends that talk to him but i can’t even have my mom to talk to, and i feel that i don’t love him anymore. I am a qualified instrument mechanician and i have worked at a gold mine for two years, he was accusing me of fooling around with other men and all that goes with it so i left my job to make him happy. From that day the bullying get’s more and more, and i am scared if i leave him he will shoot me, or himself. What must i do? My kids are in a emotional state, and i can’t handle it when he start screaming on them when they are playing. I have a home i can go to and i have work that i can do. He screams at the kids for the smallest things and my kids can’t play with other kids they must be alone and if i let them play with other kids and they get hurt, them i am the one to blame. My kids don’t even wan’t to go to their own father because he is always screaming and pushing me around. When i was pregnant with my daughter he pushed me so hard that i have hit my head against the wall. Is he a bully? A have made arrangements of leaving him i am just scared that he will do something to me and my kids. Please give me advice… Please excuse my English my language is Afrikaans.
April 18th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Hello:
How can I start a new life? What are my options? What will protect me and my kids? I mean really leave and for him not to ever find us again. I’m afaid to start something and not get it right. I’ll be asking for trouble it I dont get my duck in a row before.
How do I get far far away from a controling, bullie? Will he find me with through the kids socials or records?
What help is out there?
Thank you for all information
April 19th, 2011 at 7:08 am
Please i need help to decide what i must do, he is going for an interview in durban and then i am to far from my parents if i need to live there. I am in need of help. I can’t decide if he is a bully or is all of this my fault.
Thank you
April 19th, 2011 at 8:26 am
Hi Amie,
I’m going to believe everything you say and be straightforward.
Also, please notice that I’m not going to say if he’s a bully or not. That’s the wrong question. The right question is, “What behavior will I allow in my space?” If you don’t like the way he treats you, vote him off your island! You don’t need to have a label like “bully.” You just decide what you’ll allow near you and your children.
Unfortunately, your situation is much too common. Once you did what your husband wanted in order to please him and hope he’d be nicer, once you quit you job, he knew he had you and he could do anything he wanted.
You’re at a choice point in life – for yourself and your children.
If you stay for any reason – because you’re afraid, because you hope he’ll change, because you think your children need a father – you and your children are doomed. Down this path there’s no hope, no chance.
If you leave, there’s hope. There’s no guarantee but there is a chance for you and the children to have a wonderful life. Oh, it’ll be hard at first but there’s hope.
I always recommend the path with hope!
You’ll need to get far away and you’ll need protection. Of course he’ll come after you. Find protection – family, police, whatever you can.
But whatever it takes, do it. Keep it secret and then act without his knowing (or his family’s knowing).
Choose hope. Think how your children will grow up if he stays in their lives. Horrible! No matter what the culture says; get as far away as you can even if you’re poor and struggling.
Choose hope. Be brave and strong. Have courage than you think you do.
By the way, he’s an abusive bully!
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
Hi Lisa,
Sounds really bad and I’ll assume it’s very dangerous for you and the children.
Get help to find a safe place. For an example see “Stop Domestic Violence and Bullying,” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/12/13/stop-domestic-violence-and-bullying/
Get the police on your side. Think restraining order.
Get a good lawyer to make a good legal plan. Keep it secret until you act.
Most important: Get clear about what’s most important in your life. You need to develop inner strength, courage and determination in order to stick with your plan through success and setbacks. You’ll need skill, perseverance and resilience. You may need an expert coach to help develop the inner qualities.
If you stay for any reason – because you’re afraid, because you hope he’ll change, because you think your children need a father – you and your children are doomed. Down this path there’s no hope, no chance.
If you leave, there’s hope. There’s no guarantee but there is a chance for you and the children to have a wonderful life. Oh, it’ll be hard at first but there’s hope.
I always recommend the path with hope!
Choose hope. Think how your children will grow up if he stays in their lives. Horrible! No matter what the culture says; get as far away as you can even if you’re poor and struggling.
Your children need you to choose hope. Be brave and strong. Have more courage than you think you do.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 10th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
My husband and I have been together for 11 yrs with four children. We go through the cycle of an abusive relationship. Everytime we argue I get called a bitch, which I have asked him many times to not do. We kiss and make up, then everything’s fine and dandy again. He doesn’t like to talk about our fights and says he will not name call me again. But every opportunity he gets, he’s right at it again. I try to tell him to leave(which ends up being another fight, of course), he makes it so difficult for me. I guess I keep hoping he’ll change but I know he will never. I don’t feel any love from this guy. I know most of the things he does is not something someone does to someone they love. He doesn’t even swear at his mom or his sisters(not that I’d like him to). He has fooled around on me and even went as far as marrying someone else while we were married. Just recently he took my wedding ring away and threatened to pawn it. He also promised my kids that he’ll take them on a vacation. Which he didn’t even work to do so, so I ended up having to get funds just to take the kids on the vacation. Now that our plane tickets are paid for he’s threatening me that he’s not going on the vacation. Today, we fought again and he said sorry and he’ll start today on not calling me a bitch, then 10 minutes later it happened again. I feel so stuck. I feel as my only way out is suicide. But I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. All I did today was cry. And I don’t even have anyone to talk to cause everyone is sick of hearing me cry over him.
maui
May 11th, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Hi Maui,
I’ll be straightforward because the hole you’ve dug is getting too deep for your Spirit.
You say, “We go through the cycle of an abusive relationship.” That sounds like you’re a bystander watching yourself strapped into a rollercoaster ride, as if it’s inevitable.
No. Call it like it is: You’ve been willing to tolerate the situation for 11 years so that’s what you’ve gotten. And each year you didn’t act, it got worse. We always get what we’re willing to put up with. Complaining is being willing to put up with it. Only acting changes the situation.
Remember what Yoda said in Star Wars, “There is no try, Luke. There is only do or not do.”
Your friends are tired of listening, not because they don’t care but because you talk but don’t change things.
Your crying and thoughts of suicide are your Spirit’s crying out to the rest of you to do something before it’s too late. Get help immediately.
I know it’s hard. There is no easy way out of this hole. You’ll have to make secret plans and act when you’re ready or else he’ll take everything. Your kids will suffer. But think of their suffering now. Think of what you’re teaching them now. Think of the model you’ve become for them. They need you to be a better model.
Stop being a passive bystander to your own life. Be the hero of your life.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 15th, 2011 at 10:52 pm
I had a baby about 4 months back, at my moms place.. Now gotta go back to hubby’s where my dominant mother in law stays.. Earlier it used to be that I was working and my mom’s place is pretty close to hubby’s.. now they want to move away from the city(where the rent is lower) and he wants me to quit my job to take care of the baby fulltime.
My problem is that my hubby wont spend a penny on me and has been willing to throw me out of his house everytime there is some minor spat (he did this even when I was 5 months pregnant with my son) I cannot trust that he will take care of my expenses to my satisfaction if I quit now with the increasing expenses and all… also he is critical of whatever I say or do (at times it is almost suffocating to live with him)..
To add to that my mom is down with a long term illness now and needs some attention too along with my dad…
What do I do now?? How do I make him understand? It has been me all along who made all the compromises to make the relationship work.. but now i dont knw.. what do you think?
May 15th, 2011 at 10:52 pm
When I first my husband he was the sweetest man I ever met, he complimented me and had such great manners then slowly but surley he began changing into the worst thing I could of ever imagined … The sick thing is I know I don’t deserve it but I can’t leave it’s like he has some strange control over me … He physical abuses me but what hurts worse is the mental abuse . The way he constantly puts me down about my intelligence ,appearance, and my mothering abilities (which hurts the most). Its an everyday obstacle that I find myself questioning why I stay… It’s gotten so bad I’m beginning to believe the things he says to me .. How I’m useless and no one will ever want me but him … His father recently passed away and every bad thing that happens he takes it out on me .. Every single thing is my fault … I want to leave but I still find myself staying feeling bad for him and his feelings .. He can’t even compliment at all without lettin me know that I’m ugly and lucky he even loves me .. I’m just so sad anymore i don’t even recognize myself anymore .. I’m not allowed to speak to my family or friends… I just don’t know what to do anymore .. I’m so lost
May 18th, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Hi biz,
I’ll make some guesses and be straightforward.
While quitting work sounds reasonable, in the scenario you described, it’ll be a disaster for you and your baby. You’ll be dependent and trapped.
He won’t understand. He has no reason to. The way things are, he’s getting what he wants. The relationship the way you’ve allowed it to become works good enough for him. And he has someone to blame for everything and he also has a whipping girl. He has no reason to compromise.
If you don’t get away, you’re doomed to much worse. And his mother will help blame on you. Think of what they’ll do to the baby.
You must get custody and get away before it’s too late. Seriously. Think of how trapped and helpless you’ll be after 2 or 3 kids and no money.
Make a plan in secret and get help.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 18th, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Hi Unhappyinca,
Bad news. You got conned and you’re in danger.
I think you’re at a choice point in life: stay and lose all of yourself including your spirit or recover yourself and your spirit, find the inner strength to get away, make a plan in secret, learn the skills you need and get away.
Don’t debate, don’t argue, don’t try to change him. Get away. Your life is on the line.
He’s already gone from domestic bullying to domestic violence. Next time he hits you, get the cops and pictures, go to a hospital and get pictures.
Get your own email, get help from battered women’s shelters. Get an expert coach to keep you strong. Get a lawyer so you know how to defend yourself.
If you give in, for any reason; if you say he’s not so bad, you’ll lose your life.
Feel more bad for yourself than you do for him. Protect yourself like a good mother protecting her precious daughter.
Now! Now! Now!
Best wishes,
Ben
May 21st, 2011 at 9:25 pm
I have the same issue
I m 24 and my husband is 29. I have been married for almost 2 years which would be in this Aug. It was a arrange cum love marriage but didn’t have feelings for him to loveee him completely from day I got married. It easily got developed as the day passed.
Initially, During fights, I use to tell him that lets get separated because I cannot stay in a stressful life of coming back from work and listen to all this, he was very stubborn that he wont move out and use to tell him that I will leave you and go because I couldn’t take it. it was veryyy stressful for me I use to get sick too often.
Out of the blue, he has started taking control over me (commanding me) which I am not liking it, he is not letting meet my friends, go out with them on weekends to have my own time, he doesn’t let me were dresses saying his parents doesn’t like it, and these all things were never a issue previously. I am not allowed to do anything , no friends no meeting people no phones nothing.
I tried to work out things from last 5 months by l listening to him, no meeting or talking to my friends He just keep saying listen to me and things will work out otherwise please pack your bags and leave as I don’t want to stay with such person. He doesn’t let me go out anywhere without him. He doesn’t doubt on me but he doesn’t want to sort it out my talking. Whenever I try, he says I am not here to lissen to you. You have to do whateva I say . I don’t want to hear a “NO”
I am very fun loving person, I like to meet people, enjoy going out with friends but im not allowed to do all that. but now, I am always depressed and sad and smoke a lot more than before. I have lost my smile, I have lost myself in this relation.
Shall I give up or keep compromising without any expectations in this relation because I am not going to get what I want, even if it’s a small desire I am
May 23rd, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Hi Frustrated,
I’ll be straightforward. Your heart knows what you need to do.
Don’t let anyone command you. Don’t train him to think he can command you. Don’t listen to what he allows. It’ll only get worse with time.
No amount of asking, begging, debating, arguing will change him since he knows that eventually you’ll give in. No amount of compromising will get you anything. Eventually you’ll compromise your spirit away. He thinks he’s stronger and he can wear you down.
What’s the price of tolerating bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!
You must get away before it’s too late and you become too dependent on him. I know it’s hard and maybe you think it’s impossible. But it’s not. Your heart and spirit are calling out to you. No matter what the price, your hope and future need you to act.
You may have to change your whole life. You may have to move to another country. You won’t be the first pioneer.
If you don’t go, you have no chance. If you go, you have a chance to begin a new life, maybe on your own – but it will be your life. You must decide what’s more important to you.
Make a plan in secret so you have some money and contacts. Then act.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 25th, 2011 at 6:27 am
Hi Ben,
Thank you for your opinion.
My father is a heart patient and he has been forcing me to be with him just for them. My sis is seprated as will and after seeing me which will hurt him a lot.
I am on H’s visa and i am trying to be independent and then planning to move out but my family and his family no one supporting me. They just keep saying that he will change but if he begins to do the same again then? i am soo fustrated but i have been patient as im very short tempered thinking that he will change.
I even told him that its all my mistake, lets get back to normal and be the way we are but no he is not ready to compromise for 10% and he thinks that i have been misusing his freedom what he gave me.
I dont know how to explain them that i am not happy here at all because i am sure such people will be back to the same behaviour.
May 30th, 2011 at 12:33 am
I have been married for 13 years now. We have an 11 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. My husband has this terrible temper and he tends to turn abusive whenever he is angry even over petty things. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I have tried to get out several times but I have always ended up going back. We have done several family meetings but no end to the abuses. He controlss what I wear, eat , whom I talk to, my job, my workmates and boses basically my life. Surprisingly whenever I move out of the house after a disagreement he follows me everywhere, on his knees and tears. He keeps calling all my relatives, friends and everybody professing his love for me. I have been out for two weeks now and he is now promising not to come to the house until I tell him am ready. He is not leaving me alone. What can this be obsession or possessiveness. Please advice coz I dont want my family to be destroyed, I grew up in a broken home and I am scared that mine will be broken too and I cant stand that. Please advise me.
May 30th, 2011 at 9:44 pm
Hi Frustrated,
Sorry this took so long.
Of course it is just my opinion. It’s your life and you have to choose how to live it when you’re faced with two mutually incompatible paths.
From what you say, I’m guessing that your father and the rest of the family won’t change.
I think you’re facing the fundamental choice that’s at the root of so much of the fighting that’s going on in the world now – and maybe always – cultures that face backward versus those that face forward.
Both ways of being in the world have their “goes withs,” their benefits and downsides.
I choose to champion looking forward; creating your future as you see fit, following the path with heart for you no matter what the traditional values or your family say.
There’s no guarantee you’ll succeed. But if you don’t try, your spirit will shrivel and die. That’s why I love the story in: What You Owe Toxic Parents
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/what-you-owe-toxic-parents/
Don’t let your father think that he gave you freedom. Keep reminding him that you’ll take your freedom whether he likes it or not. See Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
“Of course it’s hard. If it was easy, anybody could do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.” Jimmy Duggan in “A League of Their Own”
Best wishes,
Ben
May 30th, 2011 at 9:45 pm
Hi Caz,
I’ll accept what you said and be straightforward.
Of course he won’t stop. He has no reason to change. You always end up going back.
It’s not surprising that he begs. It’s just his method to get you to give him another last chance by going back into his abuse.
I think you’ve misunderstood about a broken home. A broken home is not about whether everyone is physically there. A broken home is a home that’s been broken by bad behavior. He’s broken your heart, mind and spirit. He’s breaking your children’s chance to grow up good – not be bullies or victims.
Your home will be broken if you let him back. You can build an unbroken, safe home with your children as long as he’s not there.
You must be a model for your kids of not being a victim and of what a bully loses. Think of what’s he’s already started teaching them.
Don’t believe his promises. When people are younger than 9 we tend to accept their promises but as they get older, we accept only performance. Maybe, if he can do what you want for a year (keep away, give you an easy divorce, give you custody, pay child support) then you MIGHT consider dating him. Until the first time he tries to control you.
You probably need an expert coach to stay strong, courageous and persevering. And to make a plan that fits you.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 3rd, 2011 at 5:51 am
My husband is a bully, not physically, but there is an added element he has Multiple Secrosis and makes him even more angry and abusive.
I don’t want to leave him I am the only one in his life that he has besides having a very health mother who is 90 years old.
June 6th, 2011 at 11:32 am
Hi jod,
We each decide how we want to live our lives.
Sounds like you decided to stick with him and care for him since he’s sick and would be alone without you. Also that you won’t demand or expect him to change how he treats you.
The decision to give up part of one’s life to take care of someone who his nasty, abusive and bullying is common. Typical examples are yours or someone old and senile or someone dying. There are other examples in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Whatever personal things you do to get you through the finite period is “good for you.”
Personally, I want to be treated better.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 10th, 2011 at 2:37 am
Hi everyone,
For over 14 yrs I put up with my abusive husband. Truth is, I really didn’t realize he was one. All these years he never laid a hand on me and the truth is he didn’t have to. He has talked down to me, made me feel stupid,has humiliated me,laughed at me,joked about me,has made me feel fat,ugly,ignorant,lazy and the list goes on. If I ever complain of a physical pain..he reminds me that it’s mental or that I have no reason to complain.(I have had arthritis since I was a child) If I spend a little money, and I mean a little money even $5, I’m wasting it. I’m wasting money even if I buy a pizza for the kids.
I used to admire him, he’s a smart man. He was always so loving and sweet when we were dating. Then a few weeks after we got married I noticed different things about him but I paid no mind thinking this was the way things were supposed to be, besides, I tried to be the good Catholic wife. We have two kids who love him dearly and he does spend time with them. I didn’t want to leave him for fear of raising my kids in a broken home, I grew up that way and didn’t want that for my kids. But all the while I’m losing who I am ..I’m getting lost in this misery. It’s a broken home no matter which way you look at it but my kids need a happy mom.
I can finally say I’ve got the guts to do something about it. I asked for a divorce and he’s playing the victim trying to make me feel guilty about it all ..I’m actually letting him, play the victim that is, not make me feel guilty. I’ll play along in his little sick game and let him say he tried to keep us together as long as he signs the darn papers. He’s agreed to a mutual agreement. No questions will be asked in court, only that we have agreed on all the terms.
I’ll be moving out in the next few days, kids in tow. I’ll give him my half of the house if he wants it, anything to get rid of him. I won’t be out on the street, I’ll be fine and so will my kids. I’m just mad at myself for not doing this sooner. I’m not giving up on life either. I want to love again and be loved the way I deserve. This time around all radars are functional and I’m not taking crap from anyone. I’m flat broke, I feel alone, I’m scared but most of all..I feel the urge to live.
To all of the women who are out there in terrible marriages..get out while you can. It’s not going to be easy, but I have faith that you can do it. Look deep inside, gather your strength and just do it. Somehow, God will provide. Have a little faith in Him and in yourselves.
Best wishes to all,
M
June 12th, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Hi Finally,
Good for you.
Sounds like you had been caught in a common trap: trying to decide if someone is a bully or abusive, based on the wrong standards – “does he beat me physically.”
The real test is you, is your pain. If you’re in pain then either he stops or he goes or you go.
Glad you’re moving out. You and the kids have been living in a broken home for years.
Now go make a home full of love and hope. While you set a great example for the kids.
Of course it’ll be hard. But it’ll be easier than having your soul tramped on.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 18th, 2011 at 4:28 am
My husband is a bully. I’ve been with him 20 years. I’ve called the police twice, once when he tried to strangle me and once when he smashed up our things. This was a long time ago and he was ‘good’ for a while after and doesn’t hit me or break things anymore but I would prefer that to what he does now.
He’s relentless, it never lets up – the complaining, the criticising, the shouting, the over-dramatising everything, the fads and phases that he goes through.
I own our home and I am the only one that works. He told me years ago that he was going to break me and see me on the floor and he’s nearly there now. He demands money every day and gets aggressive if I don’t give it. He threatens to go to my mother (who is 92) and tell her how awful I am – not an empty threat, he has done it twice recently when I’ve stood up to him.
He does nothing around the house, doesn’t even scrape his plate after he’s eaten – he does cook his own meals (which I pay for) because everything I pay for is ‘crap’.
I want to get out so badly but I am in massive amounts of debt (which he doesn’t know about, I don’t dare tell him) and I can’t afford a solicitor or anything (am in UK). I’ve asked him so many times to leave and he won’t go, just ignores me or says ‘no’. I’ve offered to sell the house and give him half the profit (he hasn’t paid anything to it so a big win for him) but he won’t have that either.
He’s said that if I try and sell the house he’ll trash it so no-one will ever want to buy it.
He does things like drive round in the car (going nowhere) just to burn up petrol, leaves the heating on maximum in the summer (with windows and doors open), runs the washing machine and dryer ALL the time, throws away perfectly good food because he won’t eat leftovers (he eats meat and I don’t). It’s endless and, as I said before, relentless. I am in a very, very big mess.
Sorry for long post, had to get it off my chest.
Good luck to everyone
Jess xx
June 18th, 2011 at 4:30 am
Sorry, where I pay h
He does nothing around the house, doesn’t even scrape his plate after he’s eaten – he does cook his own meals (which I pay for) because everything I pay for is ‘crap’.
Should read
because everything I COOK is ‘crap’ – he has no problem with things I pay for!!
June 19th, 2011 at 8:25 pm
[...] think very differently if the divorce is amicable or if it’s a nasty, vicious, vindictive power-struggle to the death. In one case, you’ll probably say “We” a lot while in the other you’ll probably say [...]
June 20th, 2011 at 10:41 pm
i don’t know how to get away i have been involved with him for 12 years and eveytime it gets better it seems to go down hill, he makes me feal so..not…smart. he says that no one is smarter than him, and just today i wanted to get a bed for my boys and spen 50 dollars on easy home and he got mad he said that i should call and cancelle the order so i did and then he got mad and said that if i just waited that i could have gotten it but then he said that i spent my money stupidly. he is so controdicting and he confuses the heck out of me i don’t know if i am coming or going any more. i have left him 4 times befor but always get right back into the frying pan as my mother would say. I am afraid that if i leave him again he will try and take my boys and then i would be left with nothing i have no idea what to do can you help me please, i can’t seemm to break free of this pain i feal everyday…
June 21st, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Hi Jess,
You’ve dug a very deep hole and it’ll take you a while to dig your way out.
I haven’t asked about the debt. You’re not perfect. So what?
You probably have good reasons and excuses for having stayed 20 years. So what?
Commit to getting away. He’s told you, if you stay he’ll try to crush you. No reasoning, debates, arguments will change that. Don’t wait for his permission. Take power on your own. Read the article:
Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
Remember, “Even the gayest of tempers succumbs at last to constant friction.” Henry Adams
Get help. Make a plan in secret. Start digging your way out.
If you don’t, your spirit will be crushed and you’ll still be complaining.
I’ve helped lots of people by phone despite the time zone differences. But you may want someone locally.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 23rd, 2011 at 7:44 am
Hi alanvan,
He’s learned you always come back so why should he change?
Your pain is telling you to make a plan, get help, keep the boys and get away before your spirit dies.
Stop listening to him and his threats. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
See:
Begging Doesn’t Stop Domestic Bullying and Abuse
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/06/05/begging-doesnt-stop-domestic-bullying-and-abuse/
Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
Stop Bullies: Start Here
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/10/stop-bullies-start-here/
Bullying Spouses won’t be Convinced to Change
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/02/bullying-spouses-wont-be-convinced-to-change/
Get help right away.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 9th, 2011 at 11:11 am
I am leaving my bully miserable controlling jerk of a husband in 5 days…YEAH!
July 9th, 2011 at 11:15 am
I have planned the escape, made all the arrangements and I am moving half way around the world to set myself free and be happy again! I will go to work and never come back. Screw him.
July 11th, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Hi JCAL,
Good for you.
That’s why I champion, “Dump the Jerk Day.”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/08/stop-bullies-dump-the-jerk-day/
Distance, a new pone number and new email, un-friending him, and telling your friends to keep him away from you are all good moves.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 20th, 2011 at 12:36 am
why me?
July 22nd, 2011 at 5:56 am
Hi Anon,
“Why me”is too general. How about sharing more details.
But the common answer is,”Because you didn’t resist strong enough. You let it happen. Sorry”
Now learn to stop bullies in their tracks.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 25th, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Hi Anon,
“Why me” is too general. How about sharing more details?
But the common answer is, “Because you didn’t resist strong enough. You let it happen. Sorry”
Now learn to stop bullies in their tracks.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 31st, 2011 at 4:42 am
[...] are the same excuse used by men and women who bully, batter, control and abuse their dates or spouses. They say, “It’s your fault I’m [...]
August 17th, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Hello. I have bee married for 8 years and we have a 6 yr old son together. I have been experiencing violence ever since we got married but I have hoped it would get better. My hubby has lost both of his parents in the last 4 years and has started drinking since. We both work and I handle the finances. We are pretty stable financially. At first he started just throwing and tearin up things.He has pulled a gun on me 4 times and always tells me he will kill my parents or my brother if they say anything out of the way to him. He tells me that if I leave then he will take our son from me. I don’t have any proof of the violence and affraid that if I ask for a divorce he will kill me or leave with my son. I just need some advice on how I can tell him or what I can do. I have a stable job and can’t just up and leave. The violence is way worse when he drinks which is everyday when he gets off work. Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
August 20th, 2011 at 7:03 am
Hi AMC,
You have to get out ASAP. You need to save yourself and your son before its too late.
Don’t believe your husband; don’t tell your husband. Find a local safe house. They’ll tell you about the local laws and figure out how to get you away.
Of course it’s scary. It is dangerous. But if you wait, it’ll only get more dangerous and more scary.
You are not alone!
Best wishes,
Ben
August 21st, 2011 at 3:20 pm
[...] the other kids and violate all the rules. Or the surly teenagers, the toxic adult children, the bullying spouses or self-centered friends. Or the oafs and abusers of power at [...]
August 27th, 2011 at 6:41 am
My wife smashes items when she get angry, she would throw away food. She seems very nice when she is happy especially when I do things for her but once we have a slight argument, everything I have done for her becomes nothing. She tends to control what we I can eat in the house, I am not allowed meat in the house because she is vegan and I am not. She even got me promise her not to eat meat in the house.
am I in a marriage with a woman who is is controlling?
August 29th, 2011 at 10:15 am
Hi Lion,
I’m going to try a direction you may not expect because I think it’s the right direction to go; the only one with hope.
You ask, “Am I in a marriage with a woman who is controlling?” as if the answer is important. As if, when I or any expert says ”Yes,” you can then tell her she’s wrong and you can win an argument and she’ll give in and change. Or if I say “No.” you’re stuck forever giving in.
That way is a path of letting other people decide and label things, and you have to follow.
Instead, why not take charge of your own life? You decide what behavior you want to live with and what behavior you don’t. It’s not about her; it’s about you demanding yp our own standards for your own space –including when to compromise or give in. Are you giving her control over you in ways you don’t want? If ”Yes,” then be a lion!
That’s the path to take.
Read:
Stop Bullying: Support Good Behavior Instead of Bad Blood
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/08/28/stop-bullies-support-good-behavior-not-bad-blood/
Stop Bullies Who Demand their Way
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/08/21/stop-bullies-who-demand-their-way/
http://tinyurl.com/3nyzqe8
Look for next week’s post:
To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself
You need personalized coaching; call me at 4303-458-6616. I know there are many things you haven’t said that might make it difficult – money, children, ages, etc. – but that’s only an added degree of difficulty. That’s all.
Take charge of yourself and your life.
“Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 6th, 2011 at 2:02 pm
I’ve totally messed up. I was happy living on my own with my two girls. I’d left him and was a single mum for a long time but then he claimed he’d changed and we started seeing each other again and i got pregnant. I ended the relationship when i was four months pregnant because he started being his normal self again. When i had my son he picked me up from the hospital and took me to his house and five months later i’m still here. He sold all my furniture and now there are new tenants in what was my home for 11 years. It has been horrible, he is constantly putting me down. noting i say is right, i can’t even joke around with my children because he starts calling me stupid and pathetic and says i don’t know how to be a mum but it’s ok when he does it. when the kids ask me for something and i say yes, guaranteed he’ll jump in and say no and when i say no he says yes. He doesn’t talk to me, only when he wants something. He doesn’t want any of my photos in the house, says i’m lazy, can’t do anything right and takes all my money and when i’ve got no money left it’s hell. I so much wanted this family to work but i know it won’t. I wish i’d never come here
September 7th, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Hi Tania,
Thanks for reminding everyone who reads your story what they can expect.
I’m sorry you’re another victim of believing in wishful thinking and hopeful promises.
Now that you know what the deal is, you have to make plans again in secret and figure out how to get some money and get the kids and yourself away.
I know it isn’t easy but your future and theirs requires that kind of endurance and fortitude.
You come from a huge line of women who had those qualities and survived. If they hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here. Now you have to tap into that inner strength, courage and determination; and blood, sweat, toil and tears.
But you can make it.
It’s simple and clear; just not easy.
Get help.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 25th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
I was married to a bully and emotional abuser for 12 years. 8 years ago after he put his hands around my throat I filed for divorce. The reasons aside from the abuse were infidelity with other men-his. For 7 years now I’ve tried to work together in the best interest of our child however he continues to make his own rules. He is over 2K behind in child support and refuses to agree to even smaller payments on time.(which I am documenting over time in emails to myself)
He has never provided the court ordered health insurance for our child yet takes every opportunity criticize what my plan provides and the doctors I choose. Lately he has taken to subversive behavior in the form of attempting to change out child’s adress to his at school and at the pharmacy. As the residential parent with the legal documentation to prove it I diffused the school situation quickly. The pharmacy, though mostly a time wasting nusience is not fixable. He persists on changing the adress though it’s not his insurance! I don’t understand why he keeps meddling behind my back 7 years later.
I mean what is the pay-off??
September 28th, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Hi Still Bullied,
I’ll be straightforward and believe everything you’ve said.
He keeps doing it because there’s no penalty to him for jerking you around. He spends a moment and you spend days fighting it. The pay-off: jerking you around and maybe his feeling justified and victimized by you. Doesn’t matter if that’s the truth; it’s his truth.
You need a lawyer and you need to make him pay somehow. Then he won’t make the rules.
Maybe the best interests of your child are to see what happens legally to a jerk.
You’re still bullied because there are no consequences he cares about.
I know it may be hard for you and expensive to do anything, but how much does the emotional pain and time cost you?
You probably need some expert coaching. Call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
Best wishes,
Ben
September 30th, 2011 at 12:04 am
We are eachothers first loves.. We’re a young couple, been together for 4 yrs. living together for 2 years now, but our issues have started since before that. Our past is horrid. he’s pushed me down while I had our 10 month old son in my arms. He’s pinned me down with him on all fours on me, with my mouth forced shut. i have never hyperventilated untill i got with him. Why didn’t I report it? He’s jerked my steering wheel while i was turning and almost caused us to be in a wreck with our son in the car. Why didn’t I report it? I’m so foolish. Left with my son to a different state(lived with my sister) to escape him after he threatened to kill me. Why didn’t I report that? I caved in after falling into deep depression and had suicidal thoughts, I moved back with him. Now days and many fights later (our son is going to be 3 now) I am confused as to why I still don’t leave him. He’s in charge of finances.. I quit my job to go to college full time. Our finances are tight. He doesn’t have a liscence anymore, and we only have my car. He drinks almost everday. (not to get drunk, just a buzz), He smokess pot when he knows I DEEPLY disapprove of it. He even pressures me to do it. I’ve ran to the cops before when he trapped me in the room I banged on the window untill the neighbors came out (I am so embarrassed to be around anyone now). Ugggh. He’s made me cry saying i have no ass, and tells me I shouldnt cry. His insinuations that I’m a fatas* makes me cry, but he denys that he mean it that way. The other night he said i had a n***er nose
. He says he’s gonna be out for a few minutes, but he’s out for an hour or hours. He didnt pay for my phone, he get’s frustrated so easily now. Just this week he held up the coffee table to hit me with it… infront of our son. Then two days ago, our son threw a toy at him, and He threw it full force back at my son. 
This is where I am now. I don’t know if it’s worth reporting . I told him to NEVER do that again. The other night I pulled his arm so i could lay my head on his shoulder, He woke up and and told me to watch out, I pulled away frm him quick, and he started his name calling i turned around and started crying, he pushed my back with his fist, and got even angrier with my crying and told me to sleep in the living rm. Since then he’s been kinda sweet, still gets frustrated super easy with us though. :/ idk what to do. I feel like have to be at the point of “being sick and tired of being sick and tired” to leave and i’m not. 
I can’t imagine myself without him, no matter how bad i want to leave sometimes. 
September 30th, 2011 at 12:08 am
in addition to that, he ALWAYS threatens to take our son away from me. That’s one thing holding me back.
October 3rd, 2011 at 7:42 pm
Hi Sadly Confused,
I’ll be straightforward because I think you and your son are in grave danger.
If he calls what he does to you “love,” then you need to find a much better way of being loved. Get away before you’re hurt irreversibly. You need a second love.
You’re not sadly confused. You’re scared stiff and you need to overcome the part of you that resists this clarity. That part is not helping you even though it thinks it is.
Stop arguing, stop debating, stop trying to prove anything. Just get away!!!!!
Don’t believe his threats. Plan ahead so he can’t succeed even if he tries. You can get help to find a lawyer and safety through a battered women’s shelter.
Don’t listen to your excuses to hesitate or your feelings that make you hesitate. Dedicate yourself to leaving. Establish police and hospital records of his drunken abuse and your bruises.
Think of what you’re teaching your son by staying. No matter what you tell him, he knows you’re not protecting him. To him, all your excuses are BS.
When you get away, the sun will shine again for you and your son.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Hi my name is hope, i am 16, i have an abusive controlling boyfriend, i started dating him when i was 13, and had trouble ever since, he calls me all the worse names u can think of, he would make scenes in the school, and outside, he would stab me in the side with pens til im swollen, he would strangle me, he would threaten me with knives, guns, and more, he only showed me knives and bats, he does more but im to emotional to go through with it, and im afraid to leave him, because im afraid of what he will do.
October 4th, 2011 at 4:36 am
I have a question what about the kids. I have moved out, but how do I get it so my kids are safe. I feel that they need to see their dad, but he signed an agreement not to do it unsupervised but we can not find anyone to help with supervised visitation which puts me there. He has had a problem with alcohol and prescription drug use. HELP! Any ideas would be great.
October 4th, 2011 at 8:15 am
[...] are two examples of women with demanding, bullying, abusive, controlling, philandering husbands who made that third step and then chose different [...]
October 4th, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Hi Hope,
You need help fast.
Get police and hospital staff to document and photograph your abused body.
Get help from family and friends. Maybe a battered woman’s shelter can give you advice about local help.
You must getaway. Once he knows he can keep you through fear, he’ll only torture you more.
Don’t threaten or negotiate. Getaway.
When you’re free, look at what in you was attracted to him and didn’t get rid of him at the first signs (you know what they were). Retrain that part of you.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 4th, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Hi Florida,
Work through the courts. You can’t put the kids at risk.
Generally, I think the kids do not have to see a father who has a problem with alcohol and drugs. They need to know the truth and the danger. And they need you to stop putting them at risk.
Safety is more important than whatever you think is the value of their seeing him
Best wishes,
Ben
October 24th, 2011 at 10:11 am
Hi all,
Its not only men that have problems, I recently split from my GF of two years, wow it was a rollercoaster ride of mental abuse, put downs, fault finding, her controlling money, I was with her for two years she has my 18 years old Son staying at her house, and she is now controlling me with him, using him to pass messages onto me, and twisting messages that I send her to make her look like the victim…so I am in theory still going through a mess, but I am not blind to her tricks….She doesnt work and claims benefits I have an amazing job, and my own place now…she doesnt like this…but tough!! I am stronger than her and thats what people need to think that are being bullied…’Its because your better than your bully, thats why they bully you”…good luck to those in the same boat as I am its gets a lot better…Good Karma overcomes bad…Kev :0)
October 24th, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Hi Kevin,
You’re absolutely right. Women can be controlling, bullying and abusive.
Your son is 18. Communicate directly with him – get your ex-GF out of the loop. Give him a chance to establish a direct relationship with you. If she won’t let him, that can be a learning experience for him.
He has free will. He’ll choose to see who’s easy to get along with, who keeps promises and who jerks his chain. It’s his decision. And he might be wiser at 28 or 38.
A lot of people have been helped by phone or Skype coaching.
I charge $100 (US)/hour and accept major credit cards.
Please email or call me at 1- 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
Don’t waste any more of your life and energy on her. But do look at what attracted you to her two years ago and change that pattern.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 22nd, 2011 at 12:40 pm
I’m rupenzelle and I’ve been married for a couple of year but I’ve been with him for 10 years. When we first met I ask him if he ever put hands on any women in his life he told me no. For at least 7 months dating was beautiful experience in my life. He was romantic nice sweet and always happy. One day he was drinking and then ask me for money. I said no cause I needed for to pay my rent. He act cool until later that nite he just told me to get out for no reasons and I said no! So he drag me by my hair and beat on me in front of everybody. I was completely embarrassed cause I never been thru any abused. He eventually broke down and ask for my forgiveness and I gave it to him… He told me that it would never happen again. That was a lie. A couple of months later it was worse I got pregnant and I think he wasn’t ready for a baby so I think anything I do or say wrong he repeated beat on me and choked me almost to deaf. I had 15 miscarriage and one time I almost lost my life from giving birth to a premature dead baby. He was locked up for a while and I was stupid enough to believe that he will changed after he got out. Well he did for a while we got married one day and yes it went right back to abuse but it got worse. I became so scared for my family and myself but never talked about it with anyone but only with god. He started to cheat on me with several people that I know and I was deeply still in love with him that I stayed cause he told me it wasn’t true. Anytime I try to talk to him about his anger he blames me for it. He thinks my money is his and it’s like he’s used to depending on me for everything. I’m secretly saving alot if money lil by lil for 3 years now and I love him but I know a man who abuse u physically and mentally and financially DON’T love u. My dad taught me better. I stay nice to him and keep my composer but if he ever know that I will leave he would kill me. That’s what he says. But I guess just to put me in fear. God says never be in fear and I refused to… But I can’t wait til I move out without him knowing. I was broken but I’m a strong individual and I’m smart. I still smile every single day and just act like nothing happens until then he won’t see me no more cause I’m moving on to a better future with my son and daughter without him. I could do it anyone can just keep strong.
November 23rd, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Hi Rupenzelle,
I’ll be straightforward.
You are a wonderful example to everyone. You were broken but now you’re healed and whole and strong. Amazing grace!
He lied and when you found out (he beat you in public), you forgave him and thought he would stop. He found out what it would cost him to keep you coming back for more. You trained him to think you’d always give in and take you back.
And, like most bullying, abusive predators, he blames his own choices on you.
So that’s a big lesson from the past.
Now for the present and future.
• I am so glad you’ve gotten strong and are saving in secret so you can get away. Good for you!
• Get over that idea of love. Whatever the feelings you have that you label “love,” they’re bad for you and your children. Find love that feels good; not one that’s painful.
Keep being invulnerable. Your children need you to rescue them.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 7th, 2011 at 8:02 pm
I am married to a man that did not drink, smoke, or use drugs when I meet him he was in church and a good dad. After we married (2 days after) he began drinking heavy and annoying me and isolating himself to the bedroom. And church going is at a complete stop. It’s a year later and he goes on 2-3 day binge drinking and curses, and accuses me of having a boyfriend, spends all his time reading crazy news and articles about police doing wrong. He spends no time with the family, we have 5 kids together at home. He treats my kids different then his kid. My kids have had enough of his mistreatment and verbal abuse. So have I. The police say we are married and I cant make him leave the house, (which I had 4 years before he and I married.) I have no where else to go so I cant take the kids and leave. My step son always stands up and says he will say what ever his dad tells him to when we argue. (he is 12) My husband threatens to take my home, my business, and my car if I try to divorce him.He threatens to tell the cops I hit him if I call them on him. They were called once but he was passed out drunk by time the cops got here and they told me I should take the kids and leave till he sobered up. But they could not arrest him unless they had signs of abuse like buries. So its not physical yet but until it is I cant get him out of my home and I have to leave everything I have to get away from him. And my kids have to leave their friends and school. I have no where to go and no money to start over. I have less then a year and my home is paid for. How do I get him out of my home so I can fill for divorce?
December 10th, 2011 at 9:42 am
This blog has helped me immensely to know that I am not the only one bullied and controlled and has also helped me to take steps to walk away from a very abusive relationship.
I met my partner four years ago while he was on vacation. We both live in 2 countries, but of the same nationality. I should have seen the warning signs of his controlling nature right from the start, but I was too blind. Even then, I wasn’t allowed to answer calls from my guy friends after 6pm or go on trips with my friends as it was ‘not a decent thing a girl would do’. I was 31 then; mature, educated and independent. Once he went back to his country he forced me to give up a lucrative job offer as it was ‘arranged by my ex-boyfriend’ and he promised to take me to his country instead. But after I let go of the job, his story changed and said he could no longer fund for me as a sponsor.
Then he agreed to marry me so that we both could stay in one place. I made all arrangements for a simple wedding and bought my dress and announced it to my friends and family. Then he started making weird claims that he received ‘sex tapes’ by email from all my ex-boyfriends (I’ve had 3). But he could never prove this, yet was very adamant that he ‘saw’ it all and deleted it. I couldn’t believe any of this. This made me seek comfort by emailing my ex (who was married and living in another country). Long story short, the wedding never took place (I am so glad about it now; though I was heartbroken and severely depressed then). He installed a key logger on my computer without my knowledge and tracked all my activities (emails sent to friends) and abused me for cheating on him with my ex (since I had emailed my ex on all the abuse I was facing).
He has been physically violent with me many times and once tore the skirt I was wearing to pieces, just because he didn’t want me wearing it to work – something I had worn so many times before. I broke up with him later as I couldn’t tolerate his abuse. But a year after, I got back with him as I was depressed and feeling lonely and miserable. Also, the fear of not being settled down made me vulnerable. But this decision soon became a nightmare. He became the controlling man he used to be (though I thought he would have changed). I had given up my job, so he had 100% control over me. He gave me money, but I had to send him a financial breakdown on how every cent was spent. I was cut off from ALL friends and family – he made me give him my passwords to all my email accounts and social networking sites and I never got access to any of it thereafter. I had to inform him on every place I went to daily – even to the supermarket or library. And then I had to ‘do things’ to put things right in the relationship and ‘build his trust’. Some of these things were to email him nude photos of myself every day (if I didn’t, he would turn very abusive). But the worst was when he got a random stranger to come and have sex with me (while he watched), not once but three times despite my protests, when he was here on vacation once. He insisted that all this will ‘help the relationship and to build his trust’. He also forced me to go braless or without my underwear to pubs with him and would then comment on how guys looked at me, much to my embarrassment and horror. Once he hit me across my face with his shoe, just because he had got to know that I helped organize a male friend’s birthday party during the year we had broken up. And even this was a lie, as I never organized the party. And another time I ended rushing to emergency as he smashed my head to a wall. He has slapped me in public several times.
He always took the upper hand as I have no immediate family – my father has died and my mother and I are estranged. I am also an only child. But the sad thing is I was too afraid to seek help or confide even to a friend. But I knew this abuse needs to stop as it is ‘not my fault’ though he constantly made me believe so. Finally I found my self a job and left him for good few months back. I’ve run a huge credit card and loans due to him (he made me buy things and do things, promising money – but I never received it). This was all his plan to keep me in the relationship. He was 15 years older than me and had married before and had two grown children. But to the outside world, he acts like the ‘perfect’ man, with his arrogant, proud, boastful nature.
I am still healing from all the abuse I’ve endured and trying to rebuild my life. I know it will take some time, but I am much happier and relieved now. I still am afraid though, as I have constant nightmares, but I know I have to be strong. I just want to share my story and thank this website and in particular to ‘Brain washed’ who shared her story on July 28th, 2009 for helping me to walk away and become a survivor.
December 14th, 2011 at 10:59 am
Hi Survivor,
Thank you for sharing. I know that people will recognize their own situations in yours and also know they can get away.
You paid a big price for a hard lesson. Whatever our old beliefs or culture, we must make a stand against being abused and bullied. We must say “NO!” It’s simple, even though it may not be easy.
The warning for everyone is that if we allow ourselves to be “forced” to do or not do something, predators will force something worse and continue to push our boundaries forever.
Being alone is better than having our space filled with a narcissistic bully. At least when we make space, someone wonderful can come into our lives.
See:
To Stop Bullies You Must Protest and Say, “NO!”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/12/12/to-stop-bullies-you-must-protest-and-say-no/
The Will to Stop Bullies, Stop Bullying
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/11/06/the-will-to-stop-bullies-stop-bullying/
Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/09/vote-selfish-narcissistic-insensitive-people-off-your-isle-of-song/
Stop Bullying, Abuse: Say, “That’s Enough!”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/02/stop-bullying-abuse-say-thats-enough/
Best wishes,
Ben
December 14th, 2011 at 11:00 am
Hi April,
Thank you for sharing. I’m sure many people will recognize their own situations in yours. They’ll know they’re not alone.
I’ll be straightforward.
He lied to you all along and you knew it but didn’t get out way back then. Now you must gather yourself, connect with your strength, courage and determination and get away.
Don’t believe anything he says or threatens. Plan in secret. Don’t put him on the title. Get a lawyer to find out how to keep what’s yours and divorce him. And maybe get a restraining order. You may have to leave his kids for now, but if you don’t, he’ll drag you all down.
Next time you’ll know. After 2 days, it’s one strike and the next guy is out. See the case study of Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Your future is calling to you; no matter hard it is to begin, it’ll get easier once you get past the hump.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 4th, 2012 at 10:11 am
I am so glad I found this website. I have been bullied by my husband for many years. He is in the military and comes from a military family. His father was a Marine and set the rules of the house when my husband was growing up. My husband blames me for everything that goes wrong and never takes any responsibility for anything. He criticizes my weight, and says I need to start working out. He threatened to leave me once if I didn’t lose weight and said he didn’t want to be with somebody who was going to be lazy and didn’t want our boys being raised by a lazy mom. He calls me names like lard butt, but says he is just joking and gets mad at me when I tell him it hurts my feelings. He said that if I just lose the weight, then I wouldn’t be called any names.
He makes me feel guilty if I don’t have sex with him or if I don’t want to do things sexually that he wants me to do. He says I need to sacrafice and if I really wanted to make him happy, I would do what he wanted in bed. He punishes me when he doesn’t get his way. The other night I didn’t want to have sex, so the next day he used all the hot water in the morning so I would have to take a cold shower. I have tried to leave in the past, and he has threatened to take the our kids away from me. I am so scared that he will succeed, that is the main reason I have stayed for so long.
He has also become very mean to our 7 year old son. My husband does not show any affection towards our son, and when our son started having pproblems in school, my husband became very irate wwith him. He yells at our son if our son doens’t kknow the answer to a math problem, and he even smacked him on the head when he got a problem wrong. I can tell my son is fearful of my husband, it seems we all walk on eggshells to try to keep the peace.
January 4th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Hi Scared
I am in the same place as you and i am leaving my husband. I found a work that could provide for my kids and good friends that would always be their if i need them and if they need me. I have already sign for divorce papers and it is just a matter of time. He will promise you that he will change and he will do anything to get you back, it is very hard to say “I am not coming back” and eventually he will start with a story that he want’s to kill himself. Trust me i have been their and they will never change. I left him for about a month and a half and he pleaded me to come back, so i did and guess what in the beginning he treated my with respect but a 3weeks later it is the same story. I know how a man could brake a child my son is 7 years and he can’t even speak a whole sentence by himself that is my motivation and my kids further are more in portend than a controlling freak.
January 5th, 2012 at 10:55 am
Thanks Gogga for your response. It is such a vicious cycle. Things can be so good, but I am always waiting for the moment that will set him off. Like right now things are going good, he has been nice so it makes me feel like my feelings aren’t justified. I end up second guessing myself all the time. One of my other fears is that if he can treat me that way when we are together and he claims to love me, I am so terrified of how he will be if I try to leave. I know he will do whatever he can to make me pay, and I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle it.
January 5th, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Hi Scared,
Stop listening, arguing and debating – what he thinks doesn’t matter. But what he might do does matter. Convert your “scared” to energy and power, courage and determination.
He’s not the center of the world (he only thinks he is) You and your son should be the center of your world.
Take power in your life. Your son needs you to protect him from an abusive father. See:
Take Power: Recognize and Label Bullying Spouses
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/18/take-power-recognize-and-label-bullying-spouses/
Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
See a lawyer in secret and learn what you can and must do to protect yourself and your son. Learn what counts as evidence and how to document it so you can get custody. Get help from local safe houses.
You need to maintain your courage, strength and determination, and to create and implement a plan to claim the rest of your life.
Get an expert coach locally or call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543)
Act before it gets worse.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 5th, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Hi Gogga,
Thanks for sharing. You are so right in your predictions. “Scared,” take notes and be prepared.
Don’t train your soon-to-be-ex that words and promises will get you back under his thumb.
When you’ve finalized your plan and gotten the evidence you need, tell him that if he really loves you and wants you back, he can:
1. Make the break easy and graciously give you everything you want.
2. Keep his distance.
3. Act nice for a year – make you happy from a distance for a year.
If he does that for a year, call me and we can talk then about what to do next. But not a day sooner!
Best wishes,
Ben
January 5th, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Hi Scared,
You know he will attack you. You’re already scared you’ll set him off. That’s a sure sign you need to get away.
Your son needs you to be as strong as you need. You carry the DNA of thousands of ancestors who were strong enough to bear much, much worse than him.
Be brave!
Your spirit needs you to be strong and smart.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 10th, 2012 at 9:55 am
Thank you Ben for your words of encouragement. For so long I have felt like my feet have been stuck in cement, I have always felt like I wasn’t allowed to leave. I have already made an appointment with an attorney. Thanks again.
January 10th, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Hi Scared,
Good for you. Go for it!!!!
Your future is calling you. Answer the call
Be the hero of your life!!!
Best wishes,
Ben
January 12th, 2012 at 3:45 am
Hi Ben
I want to find out what to do if all the feelings of a controlling husband is gone, their is no more love feelings, no more desire to be with him and i don’t worry where he is or what he is doing. I have already put in a divorce but i can’t understand why i am feeling the way that i so, It feels like i am a bad person for feeling this way. It hasn’t been long i think it has been 2 weeks now.
January 13th, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I am married 14 years and have 3 children… My husband was once popular and a typical bad boy… I married him thinking my live for him would be enough for us both. He is materialistic and very street wise but not intelligent. My problem is that he is ok to live with for z while but every few months he just stirs up bad bad rows in front of the kids. They are afraid of him especially my son whom he is so hard on and he is mentally cruel to me, making me feel worthless for no reason.. My kids have tempers now also, and we just can’t afford to separate.. I am broken and my kids are in pain and my husband cannot be happy with me also but why won’t he let me go? he is so cruel and selfish and I know I an teaching my kids the wrong example but I am so afraid of the hell he will cause me if we part. Can you suggest a book to help me get stronger. Thank you.
January 15th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Hi,
Even i sail in the same boat.My husband is also very cranky and troubles us to the maximum, he has crossed all the limits in torturing me and our two children who are 14yrs(girl) and 11yrs(son). He is a complete Maniac who needs medical help but he is not ready to accept the fact that he needs to see a counselor.I would like to divulge this topic here only as there is nothing much i can do as he will never listen to anyone….
But my main concern is our CHILDREN. I tried maximum to keep them away from all this but now they are growing and are witnessing everything. My maniac husband verbally abuses them and threatens them with dire consequences if they don’t listen to him. I am very worried what kind of impact it will have on them ????? I want them to have a normal and healthy lifestyle which unfortunately am not able to provide them because of my husband. Please give me few good tips how i can take good care of them and make them good individuals though staying with this Maniac. I am 36 yrs old and completely dependent on him….though planning to start working soon if he will let me…..!!!
January 20th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Hi question,
Sorry I couldn’t answer sooner.
Don’t feel bad, feel glad. You’ve given your self a great gift. Your feelings have followed your heart and spirit. You know how bad it’s been; you know you have to leave so you can create a better future and your feelings have let go of what you need to be rid of. Your feelings are helping you move forward. Good for you.
When we move forward, we usually need to leave a heap of old beliefs behind; beliefs we were given when we were children but that are no longer useful or true for us as adults. Your old pile has some bad ideas about what it means to be a “good wife,” even to a control-freak husband.
Now you need new beliefs about what it means to be a good person, following her adult star and making a wonderful adult life for herself and her children.
For example, read the case study of Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site. She had to have new ideas in order to get the control freaks out of her life and not bring any new ones in.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 20th, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Hi Anon,
Sorry I couldn’t answer sooner.
First, thanks for stating the old rule that is definitely not true: “my love for him would be enough for us both.”
Of course you feel worthless. You stay and put up with it. When you’re worth enough to struggle, sacrifice and fight to get away, you’ll start to feel worth a lot.
He’s training your kids to either be bullies like him or to be subservient like you and expect to be treated like that in their marriages. Do you want them to be trained that way? They need you to set a better example.
You don’t need him to let you go! You need to take power over your life and fight for survival, no matter what odds. You were born with that power. Now use it. Become ferocious, tenacious and resolute.
First, you need the WILL to get away. Then you can learn the skill, make a plan in secret and execute it.
Even with nothing, you and your kids are better off without him.
I know it’s hard and you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Get help. Find a safe house, supporters, lawyers. Find local coaching or call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
Best wishes.
Ben
PS: Don’t even date again until you get over falling in love with jerks like that. What’s the attraction?
January 20th, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Hi VT,
You have already said the one and only solution other than hiring a hit man: get away!!!!!
Stop trying to change him and devote every moment to outsmarting him.
That may mean secretly contacting safe houses, support, lawyers and getting away. That may mean stashing money so you can get away.
Get away no matter what. Your children at great risk the longer you stay with him.
I’m sorry you stayed so long but that simply means you have to act with more urgency.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 26th, 2012 at 10:15 am
To “Still Bullied” – posted on 9/25/11 – I know this is a late response, but if he is $2,000 behind on child support and won’t provide court-ordered insurance, at least in the state where I live, you can take his parental rights away from him. It happened to my brother-in-law (now deceased from drugs, so I won’t speak ill of the dead). In short, he never paid child support to his ex-wife for their son and was put in jail numerous times for it (you can also try that – they will even take away driver’s or professional licenses for refusal to support your child in some states). She finally went to court and took his right to have ANY say over anything that happened in his child’s life ever again. Get tough – don’t let this jerk control you even after you got away from him (good for you!). Put him in jail, take his driver’s license and take rights to your child away from him.
January 28th, 2012 at 11:25 pm
I’m not sure how to start this but reading this makes me think about my life a lot. I am 23 years old and have 2 beautiful kids (2 yr old and 7mnth old) and have an abusive husband.. I have been with him since I was 18 he was very sweet when I met him until we moved in together he started being different. He started changing year after year. First it was just verbal made me feel bad, ugly, stupid, alone, worthless, dirty anything you can think of. Then he started with shoving me, then started the slapping. My first pregnancy was horrible, he beat me with a gun and kicked me in the stomach, he was very drunk that day luckily he fell asleep and I was able to lock my self in the restroom to sleep away from him. None of my family knows, I am scared to tell them not knowing what would happen. I wouldn’t like them to be in the same danger me and my kids live everyday. He tells me if anyone finds out all hell will break loose. We are buying our own house now, I thought everything would change with my next child but it was worst than with my 1st. He didn’t hit me with a gun but he would hit me almost everyday, he said nothing will happen to my baby as long as he wouldn’t hit me in the stomach, I went to the emergency room several times because my contractions would start, of course never said anything to the doctors… my husband is only a resident in the us and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for him being deported. I would feel guilty of taking my kids father away from them. I really don’t know what to do, every day is worst. He leaves bruises anywhere that wont be visible, he has dragged me by my hair, punched me, kicks me, he has beaten me wit a belt, pool stick, gun, with anything he can find, he gets on the doorway so i wont leave, breaks my cell (10th 1 yesterday) and threatens me saying hell stab me if I try to leave. Today again is another day on the list, today he hit me with a bottle and put his gun on my face I didnt know what to do so I just stay quiet if I scream he’ll bang me agaisnt the floor, I know that atleast i can prevent my kids from being afraid too. My 2 year old has seen it all but it seems that to him its no longer new he actually asks me to not cry so daddy wont get mad and hit me. My husband says he loves me and cares for me, that he has mental problems and that I need to understand him that it is my fault he’s like that because of my teenage boyfriends I once told him about. I don’t know what to do, I sometimes want to end this my self but the wrong way, but I know I have to stay in this world for my kids, Im feel trapped in a place I cant seem to leave something is holding me back and I dont know what it is, I am extremely affraid that someday when I least expect it, it will be my last day, that I will no longer see my kids. Everyday I have to be ready for what mood he is in. I dont know what the day is gonna be. To anyone who reads this please be aware and be careful when choosing who the one is. They can be angels when you meet them, but the devil themselves when you know them. It is something I wouldn’t ever wish on anyone. Please try to avoid living a life like me. Hopefully I can fix mine before it’s too late.
thank you very much for this website
I feel a little better being able to tell someone a tiny bit of how I feel and how I live.
January 30th, 2012 at 9:24 pm
Hi Katie,
Thank you. Yes, yes, yes!
Don’t even think of it as being tough or mean or nasty. Realize that it’s what we need for life and to protect our children. We need to do it like we need to breath, drink water and eat.
“Examine all that you have been told … Dismiss what insults your soul.” Walt Whitman
See:
Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
Be strong!
Best wishes,
Ben
January 30th, 2012 at 9:25 pm
Hi Katie,
We may be able to stop our children from being targeted, but they can learn to be strong and skilled by being targets. And we can teach them what to do so they won’t become victims.
I don’t pay attention to general sociological questions; they take us down useless paths.
I think you’ve asked the important question: “How can we avoid these people like the plague?”
What we must learn is:
1. How to recognize these bullying, control-freaks (male and female, young and old).
2. How to get over any attraction to them.
3. How to take our own power.
4. How to vote them off our isles of song.
“Examine all that you have been told … Dismiss what insults your soul.” Walt Whitman
“Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore
See:
Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
Since all situations are different, you can get the strength, courage, determination and skill you need for yourself and your daughter from phone or Skype coaching. Please, find someone locally or call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543) or email me to schedule.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 30th, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Hi Anonymous yc,
See what Katie said in an earlier comment to this article.
You and your children are in grave danger. None of you will be beautiful if you stay. He will destroy you.
Your only chance is to get away as soon as you can! He may get you but it’s your only chance. If you stay, you and your children have absolutely no chance.
Don’t listen to his reasons, excuses, justifications. Don’t beg or bribe or reason or argue with him.
Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/
In secret find a safe house and get advice. Get lawyers, hospital evidence and police on your side. Just before you leave, tell your family to disappear because he’ll probably strike back.
Divorce and deport him before it’s too late. Get your priorities straight. Your children need to be away from this man. He’ll be saying he loves you when he kills you. If that’s his way of loving, you need to be thousands of miles away.
It’s your children’s only chance.
Please plan and act.
Best wishes,
Ben