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Get Away from a Controlling, Bullying, Abusive Husband
By Ben | June 9, 2009
Here’s an email I received from an abused wife, hoping her story helps other women recognize and get away from their controlling, bullying, abusive husbands before it’s too late.
“I hope my story might help someone. I have known my husband since I was 18 years-old. We worked together and his sister and I were friends. I was married at 16 to my first boyfriend, so my now husband was just a friend, although I always knew he had a soft spot for me.”
“Years later, when I was divorced, I went out with my now husband, but I didn’t have the feelings for him at that time that I do now, so I ended the relationship. Eventually we ended up back together and he won me over. He was a quiet man, very deep, didn’t say much, but was always very kind and nothing was too much trouble.”
“My sons who obviously had known him since they were little boys, but are now grown up and married, adored him. We ended up getting married and I thought I had met the man of my dreams, but it didn’t last. As soon as we got engaged it all started to change. He has hit me, nearly broken my fingers, but the violence has stopped since I called the police.”
“He had never been married before and never wanted to, that I know for a fact. He is very moody and often put himself in the box room for weeks on end and not speaking. I own my own home and have always worked full time. I am very bubbly person and have lots of friends, where he has always been a loner.”
“He told me that I needn’t work full time anymore, so I took a 2-day-a-week job. That’s when it really got bad. He often leaves in the clothes he stood in and takes all of the bill and shopping money. He would stay away for 3 weeks at a time. It wasn’t about him being with women or anything, that I know, but he goes on drinking binges which he never used to do. He spends all of the money and texts me all of the time, calling me names, putting me down and being very abusive.”
“I have started divorce proceedings as he is putting the home I have lived in for 25 years at risk, with him taking all of the money. Because the house is mine and in my name, he said that my sons should pay the mortgage when he is not there as it is their inheritance, as he calls it. Obviously I love him but cannot take anymore.”
“To anyone out there, these people will not change and are unable to change. They will grind you down, just as I have been and you will end up feeling worthless. I am a good person and I have a medical working background, so I have a pretty good idea what I am talking about. I also have friends in the medical field who have advised me that these controlling people will never change.”
“I am at the moment trying to keep hold of my home. He keeps sending me texts saying he is going to see me in the gutter. Please don’t let these controlling people to this to us. I hope my story helps in someway.”
Notice some typical early warning signs:
- He changed from charming to abusive, sometimes step by step. When she put up with a step, he escalated to the next step. Bullies don’t stop until you stop them.
- Overt physical violence – they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called. In this case, she stopped the overt physical violence when she called the police. Good. Now there’s a police record. But he then shifted to control and bullying, which wouldn’t get the police involved. When she stayed with him, she gave him a green light.
- They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
- Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work. When she quit her full-time job and became depended on him, the control and abuse increased.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.
Bullies don’t take your kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop. They take your passivity as an invitation to bully you more. It’s the same at work, at school and in romance.
A few suggestions for then and now
- Get away or get rid of him at the first sign. Notice that she had signs when they were engaged, before they were married and there were also no children at stake.
- Don’t think you can change him by staying. The best help you can provide is getting away. That may or may not be motivation for him to change on his own, but at least he’ll be far away from you.
- Don’t let him control you. Notice what happened when she quit her job. Don’t believe him when he says you’re worthless and the problems are your fault.
- Since he’s harassing you with text messages and has a history of physical violence, get a restraining order. Keep a record of all the messages (including the threatening ones). Call the police if he continues. Cut off all contact with him.
- Find allies and supporters. Remove any splinters – people who don’t support you.
- Be brave, determined and relentless.
Many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label these bullies’ tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness, their sympathetic therapy) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined, bullying husbands.
Of course it’s usually not easy to stop the behavior or to get away. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Tactics must be designed for each situation. Factors such as money, children, outside support, age, health, threatened increase in abuse to physical brutality and murder, and family of origin and cultural values can be extremely important in designing effective tactics.
But the first step is always for women to make an internal shift from acceptance or tolerance (even though you may hate him underneath) to a commitment and determination to end the abuse and bullying, no matter what it takes. Without that inner commitment, women usually end up begging the husband to change and waiting forever. The inner commitment is necessary to give strength and power to the right tactics in your hands.
You’ll find many examples of stealth bullies in my books and CDs “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” You’ll also learn practical, real-world tactics to stop these bullies or to get away safely.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book |
June 11th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Hi,
I just came across this article. I have a totally controlling husband, who thinks he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think his past has a big part to play in the way he thinks of himself. His parents were divorced even before he was born. He loves to adore himself, he doesn’t like the word “no”, loves to control the money part, always uses my family as an excuse that I have family and he doesn’t, always comments on my clothes, my hair. Also what hurt me very much was when he made fun of our intimate moments (that hurt me very badly). He is an intelligent man, I have always supported him to move ahead in his career and studies. He never supports me to study any courses, he always says oh what are you going to do with that……
I am in pain and hurting emotionally very very very much….
Please keep me in your prayers….
June 12th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Hi ssz,
Sounds like terrible situation.
Forget psychoanalysis about why he does it. Forget that you don’t deserve that treatment. Forget trying to prove to him that he’s a bully.
Get in touch with your own guts and ask, “Do I want to be treated that way?” I hope the answer is “No.” That’s more than enough reason to get away. It really is that simple and clear. It may not be easy, but that’s a different matter.
Stop hurting. Get help creating an effective plan to get away.
See case studies #7 (Jean) and #14 (Lucy) in “How to Stop bullies in Their Tracks.
Remember, “What’s the price of tolerating bullies? Slow erosion of your soul.”
Best wishes,
Ben
June 17th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
My husband is also a controlling bully. Nothing physical (yet), but the emotional and verbal abuse has been horrendous. Not to mention his iron-fisted control over the finances, his lying not only about finances but also about his past, etc…trying to isolate me from my adult children (they’re not his)…an addiction to cyberporn…It’s been horrible…And just when I worked up the courage to leave him…..all of a sudden he’s got religion - so now, according to my church, I “can’t” leave him…he’s a changed man, yada yada yada…I have to admit the past week has been a very quiet, calm one, and that’s been nice - but I dont’ quite trust it. And I guarantee…If I follow through with my “safety plan” and leave him…my church WILL kick me out…
June 17th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Hi Debbie,
Sounds like you’re in one of the worst fixes - your church and social network condones his behavior and wants the victim (you) to keep putting up with it, until a miracle happens.
I’ve worked with many women in this situation and they always get to the same place.
The strong ones wait until there’s an incident and then leave. They realize that they want no part of a man who acts like that. Also, that he’s not fulfilling his part of the religious bargain. They are brave enough also to realize that they want no part of a church that abuses and demeans women by keeping them as victims. It’s incredibly difficult to leave their whole social group, but it’s the only way for them to get a new group that supports their well-being. And they do. Then their lives can blossom and bear good fruit.
The weak ones stay and live with their pain, anger and resentment. Eventually they realize that their church group doesn’t really have their best interests at heart. The other church members have the best interests of their beliefs and ideas at heart. But then it’s too late. Their lives have borne bitter fruit.
Your call.
Look for support groups in your community.
Act before its too late.
At least your kids are adults.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 29th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Debbie,
I can totally relate to what you’ve written. My husband started with smashing things in the house (always my things of course), then progressed to pushing and slapping. Then came the barrage of verbal abuse, calls me ‘filth’ all the time, says I have dirty blood and that this is what I deserve. We are also both religious but his take on religion is totally different. I feel for you. I don’t know how I can get out, I have 4 kids….. I’m so trapped. But you can get out. God knows what is in your heart and who is wrong. I wish you all the best.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Hi Debbie and anonymous,
Don’t settle for, “I can’t get out.” I know that there are circumstances that make it seem impossible to get out, but I try never to settle for those.
At the very least, keep a spark of independence and hope alive in your heart. Keep that spark alive in your children’s hearts.
Plan, plan, plan. It maybe that you’re planning to save your live before he crushes you physically or spiritually. Find allies, not critics.
Be brave and resolute. You know in your heart that you can’t stand the way he treats you. Don’t argue to try to convince him to change. Never give in.
Your kids need you to save them.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
July 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Hi Ben,
I too am in an abusive relationship. I have known my husband since I was 14 years old because his sister and I were friends. At the time I was not interested in him and shortly after he joined the Marine Corps. Some years later I ran into him and we started dating and two kids together and then I finally decided to marry him in spite of all the obvious signs.Now, It’s been 3 yrs and I am living in a hell on earth. He is now in law enforcement and I feel I have no one who will listen or believe me. He breaks every thing in the house and calls me names and yells in my face as if I am a crimnal or a dog on the street. He has grabbed and slapped me, but I called the police in the same precent where he works, so in fear of his ‘Golden Boy” reputation being tarneshed he hasn’t hit me since, now it’s all verbal and he threatens me that if i call the police on him, it’s my words against his and they will always side with him. Even when I did call them, they treated me as if I was the one in the wrong and he was the victim, which broke me down even more than I was because I felt as if I had no to help me. I have been out of work every since August of last year so after a long task with looking for work, I decided to go back to school and further my education, but things are even worse with that because he controls everything money, the car, etc. I have no say so in the house because he is now the one providing for us, in spite of the fact he suggested for me to just go back to school. I have never been the type to not have my own, and with his control on top of the abuse is unberable. I want to leave and move back to my hometown which is about 100 miles, but I am in school and only have 5 more months to go, so I have to much invested and the hours I am going being a full time student is even cutting down time to even try to find a part time job so that I can move out. I don’t know what to do at this point, I need some resolution to this or maybe if someone from the outside looking in can share how they got out a situation like this. i am so worried for my kids, because they are being exposed to all of this. I have two children that I had prior to us dating, and he treats them like they are not even a part of our family. His family hates me because he has told them so many lies about me to deflect the truth and make it seem as if I am the terrible person. I am so borken down right now and my heath and sanity are taking a hit. I know that people say I am stupid for being here this long, but I just honestl do not know how to get out. Please help me!!!!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Me and my husband we are married for only 2 years we are in our late 30′ ,he was really charming and nice he seemed to be protective at first and i liked that. Before i met him i was working 2 jobs to effort a nice life for myself. He is a successful professional and i really admired that ( i do have a degree back in my country but i can’t use it here) we had a lot in common and same intellectual level. I had a very high risk pregnancy and our son was very sick once he was born. That’s the reason i became a stay at home mom. Being so stressed out i did not even realize that once we got married we never had a join bank account or any property or credit card . I did confront him and he said way am i worry about that - implying that i got married for his money-and every time i went shopping i need it to ask him for money. He does control everything i buy and comments on prices even that he went grocery shopping 3 years ago last (prices are much higher now)All the time tells me that i do not know how people earn a paycheck even that i did support myself(plus my family back home) in America for 7 years before i met him. I have to justify every cent. I am not in touch with my friends no more ,i gave up because he always had something to comment . He’s very insecure and even that i never ever give him reasons, whenever i live the house i tell him what i do or where i am and who i meet( i think is normal to do so in a marriage )and i am very open i have nothing to hide.After the pregnancy i gained 15 extra lbs ( i was a size 2 before, now i am a 6) and because the stress i am under i can’t lose it - he tells me that i let myself go “who come for the other man before me you could be slim??? and for me you can’t loose to be like before???” this is how he puts it…i am shocked
Always complains that the house is not clean enough and that’s my only responsibility and ” since this baby that’s all you do and care” i am trying to explain him that’s true at the moment my baby is my priority , he needs me once he gets more healthy then would be different. I had to have some dental work done, some was cosmetic too but necessary and he keeps telling me ” who else would spend those money to get your teeth done??” Nothing is good enough always tells me what to do how to do it i wander how i could managed to survive before him…. I talked many times i do believe in communication expressing our feelings - pointless he told me this” what will you gonna do? live me? you have no money, no job and i am gonna get your son because i have the money and the judge will give me custody because you can not effort to raise a kid on yourself” I live for my baby he’s my life ( my husband has other kids from a previous marriage) i am so afraid I’ll loose my baby that’s the reason i stay. I wanted to go to school here he never supported me in this. I miss what i use to be, happy, optimistically, and beautiful ( for real i was)nowadays i am so depressed i feel suicidal sometimes but i have my baby that needs me so i need to be strong at leased maybe i can give my baby a better feature . I always wander if i leave him is gonna be good for me but what about my baby…what can i offer him? would be fair to take a future that holds so many opportunities from my baby? I was raised that sometimes you have to sacrifices you have to stay in a bad marriage just for the sack of children’s.My family would never approve a divorce but they would accept i guess. My husband thinks that i am to sensitive that he treats me ok is just in my head and i need professional help. Took me 1 month to convince him i need to go at gym to loose the extra lbs. He was saying i am wick if i would be ambitious i would not need to waist money at gym. If i do not clean or do something continuously in the house like yesterday i was checking something online he gets mad, he told me last night that he’s gonna disconnect the cable and the Internet because the house is all i have to worry. Sad hmmm. If you would see us you would think i nice accomplished successful man with a beautiful , trophy wife. Al our friends have no clue how controlling is and how i depend on his moods and i dance as he wants….I feel so low, i still have post partum depression i think , i cry continuous and i pray my baby boy to be ok.I ask him to go to counseling he’s laughing saying because i do not work i got spoiled that’s the reason i wanna waist money so easy on something stupid as therapy or counseling. Our marriage just looks so perfect , and i look as i hit the lottery with my handsome, young , rich husband….but i am so broken inside and so poor, if would be to leave him tonite i would be homeless because i do have Gucci shoes on , but not a dime in my name or a dollar in my wallet…
I just wanted to share my story too , makes me sick lying everyday
Please pray for me ,i fell so lost
July 15th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Hi Broken and Tired,
Given what you’ve said, I think you know what you must do.
You must be stronger, braver and more persevering than you ever thought you could. Make a plan and carry it out, no matter how hard, no matter how long. You know you can because there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Put up with it while you finish school. I assume that will help you get a job. Get help locally. There are usually women’s support groups. Sounds like you’ll have to move away (maybe to your hometown) because he’s on the police force. See a lawyer and plan moves so you can keep your kids.
You need work and a place to stay so you can get your life together. Don’t try to prove anything to people who won’t believe you – like him or his family. Find people who believe you and help you get going again.
Once you get away and get your life going, you can figure out what attracts you to men you know you shouldn’t be with. Find better men.
Hang in.
You have your whole, better life in front of you.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 15th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Hi Ira,
Taking what you’re saying at face value, you sound like you need a long term plan to get back in your feet – one step at a time.
Don’t try to convince him that he’s treating you badly. Don’t argue with his accusations. Just state that you’re not seeing other men – and of course, don’t see any.
Get your weight down.
Figure out how you can get some money. That’s worth arguing about. Everyone needs some money of their own to spend however they want. Or to save the money secretly for when they need it.
There’s one professional you need to see – a lawyer to find out what you can do and get if you divorce him. Find out if his threats about your son are accurate. Find out where he keeps all his money – even the money he hides – so you’ll know how much he has.
See if any of your friends will believe what he’s doing. He might ease up if he’d be embarrassed in public, but he’ll probably drop the friends and get new ones who will believe him.
Don’t let him isolate you. Find friends who believe you and might help you plan and act.
Once you get the information you need about the money and your son, then you can start asserting yourself. Then you might suggest counseling. He might listen to a counselor who takes your side – but a counselor who won’t take a side won’t be good for you.
Hang in and use your anger to keep you strong and persevering.
You still have a long life ahead and you can create a much better life.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 28th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Hi.
Like most of you, I am also in an abusive relationship.
He is from another country. I have tried to leave him once, but now I am back with him, and we are living together again. I have almost lost my job because of him, relocated and now he is here with me.
I finally left him the first time because of physical violence. I know I am foolish somewhere for being back with him, but he has these complex and very logical reasons for everything he does.
He constantly lectures me or “teaches” me things. He get’s mad at me at the drop of a hat, and constantly tells me how “moody” and “bad tempered” I am. We now live much closer to my family, but he only wants to see them a few times/year, and he doesn’t want me to do anything alone with them because “they are against this relationship”. I “can’t” stand-up to my family for him.
Forget any friends…I can’t even talk to people at work. He demands that I call him on every break - not that I don’t want to talk to him, but it’s like I can’t even sit down and have a break at work. I have a “bad past” and my friends only represent that and are all “sluts”. It really hurts so much to tell someone something in confidence, then to get stabbed in the back because of it and have it used against you constantly (I think that alone is a form of abuse).
He has zero trust in me, and tells me all the time that I do “nothing” to build trust. (I talk to my friends behind his back, actually only 2 of them. 1 I have known for nearly 15 years.) Other than that, and occassionally seeing my family (only with him) and talking to them on the phone, I sit home with him or alone or am at work. I have even told him that I would be just fine only talking to each of them on the phone occassionally. He would never ever ever allow this.
He has total control over the finances. Although, he will give me money if I need it, but he has to approve it, and regularly monitors my account (all shopping even clothes is done with him and to his approval). Whenever I get paid, I have to transfer everything except approved bill and gas money into his account.
I have run up a large debt due to him, and almost had my credit ruined. He is a hard-working person, and since we have been back together there has not been anymore physical violence, but he is very controlling.
I feel like such a loser and weak. I am starting to hate myself. I have started to feel mentally trapped - like knowing you are brainwashed and knowing you can’t let go. Like I cannot leave him or be away from him or I have severe anxiety i.e. I don’t hear from him for a few hours while he is at work, yet I feel happy when he leaves so I can be alone and do what I want at home. I know that I am developing mental illness from this relationship.
I cannot figure out if I am the problem.
I can only do a few things on my own. I use to love hiking and walking alone to clear my head and for the exercise (we live right next to a nice trail) - no allowed unless with him and then at a really slow pace or I am “trying to lose weight”. No gym anymore - I don’t eat enough and need to gain weight, but he can go because “men need to be strong”. He can do lots of things I can’t because I “bear children” and he doesn’t.
The hardest part is that whenever I show emotion or feel upset and show it, I am making “drama” and he threatens to leave me. But he can get mad at me at anytime (and does) and then will give me very logical and complete explanations as to why it’s my fault, or he was justified in doing or saying what he did.
I just sit here and try to understand what the reality of the situation is. How much of what he tells me is true? How much of what I feel and think is true? Am I causing the problems? Am I as “difficult to live with” as he explains. I always considered myself a curious, inquisitive, thinking, honest, fun, education and goal-oriented person.
Why does he have problems with me constantly?
I am starting to feel a lot of resentment and now real hate for him in my heart. I curse him in my mind in heart when we fight. I have even found myself praying that something terrible will happen to him to humble his arrogance, distrust of people, pride and temper, yet I feel like I love him alot and could not live without him.
I find myself wishing for my independence again, seeing my friends, family doing as I wish. But then I remember all the reasons he gave me i.e. I am getting too old to be alone and should be married, I will be alone my whole life and live like my “past” if I leave him, why am I “jumping in their lives” and giving them the “right to say things about our relationship”. He (classic abuse) criticises what I wear (no tank tops, no shorts, no high heels, no thongs etc.)….it goes on and on.
This is the general theme of our relationship:
If I would just “comply” and not be “difficult” and “respect” him, I would be so much better. I need to “fix” and “improve” myself and be better for him.
Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Hi Brain Washed,
Yes, I know … according to him, it’s entirely your fault. I doubt it but maybe … I can’t tell because I’m not there. It doesn’t matter.
Bullies always say that it’s your fault that they don’t like you and when they treat you bad. He’s a bullying, control freak.
So if you want to be treated differently, get out. Don’t argue or debate. Don’t listen to his reasons. Don’t listen to someone who doesn’t think much of you.
Take back control of yourself and your life. Take back control of who you see, who you talk to and your money. Get a job.
Once you get away you can figure out what’s wrong with you and straighten yourself out. Don’t pay attention to your feelings of being weak, hating yourself, etc. These feelings are just trying to motivate you to take action.
Take action. Of course it’ll take you lots of time to get away and get out of debt. You’re already alone when you’re with him and all the space is filled with him and his running you down.
The only way you’ll ever find someone good is to make space. And act the best way you know you want to.
Read some of the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”.
Create a joyous, bully-free life.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 12th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Wow for a second I was frightened - this story sound just like a friend of mine. Its said that this goes on in so many peoples lives. But really good article!
August 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Hi Holly,
Thanks for the comment.
But wait a second. Why were you frightened only for a second? If this goes on in your friend’s life, your friend needs to turn things around.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 13th, 2009 at 10:12 am
ive been with my husband 7 years he cant have children so i already had a littlt boy who he adores and he can be so loving to me at times .when he came to live with me i accepted that he had debt money doesent mean every thing i thought and he was also nice with my boy and still is i sometime think that he loves him more than me as he doesen seem to tolerat any thing i do an says he is not the effectionat person but he can be with my little boy ive gone with out some of the things i love because of his debt and ilook after him very well he also drinks and cant remember what he has said and he can become argumentive i dont no how to deal with this man . ican only think that ive seen how his mom treats his dad and feel i am getting punished as he referse to women in a unplesent way and were all out to hurt men please help
August 14th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Hi Debbie,
He may be loving to your son, but the way he loves you hurts. And you’re letting your son learn that it’s okay to bully his future girlfriends and wife.
You’re letting him suck your blood, like a vampire, and treat you bad.
You might have a key to understanding him in how he grew up but that doesn’t stop him.
It’s your choice – live with him this way forever (and set a bad example for your son) or make him stop right away or make distance.
In order to have a bully-free life, you have to insist that he change how he treats you and stops drinking – immediately. He can get all the counseling he wants but what matters is that he stops treating you bad right away. If you don’t make it happen, the chances are that your son won’t respect you when he grows up.
You want better. You want to make a bully-free island. If he won’t change, he’s voting himself off your island.
I assume that it’ll take very hard work for you to do it, but it’s the rest of your life that’s at stake.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
August 27th, 2009 at 10:33 am
My husband and I have been together for eleven years. He has always been controlling, but every step of the way I have told myself that he would change. I now realize that the chance of him changing is very slim. We recently had a son, he is 5 months old and he is more than I could have ever asked for. He truly lights up my life and fills me with joy. My husband is wonderful with him. My husband with me, however, is another story.
As I said, my husband has always been controlling. We have always done what he wanted to do, always associated with his friends and always spent time with his family. I have always gone along with this because I love him and I wanted to do anything I could to make him happy. When we spent time apart, that is when I would spend time with my family and do the things I enjoyed. He never wants to do anything that I enjoy. On holidays, I would spend time with him and his family and then I have to go off on my own to spend time with my family. He has a large exteneded italian family that does everything together and I have small extended family that, at the very least, makes sure that they get together at holidays and special occassions. My mom and I do (or did) spend a lot of time together.
My husband has always condemned my family because they don’t get together like his family does, so he shouldn’t have to shun his family when my family decides to get together. To my own fault, I’ve let this continue through the years. Now that we have a child I thought this would change, but it has gotten worse. I am constantly made to feel like I am worthless. I am told that I am nothing without him and that I came from nothing. I was on maternity leave for 14 weeks and was not allowed to go anywhere, and the only people allowed to visit were his family. This is my/our first child and I think there is something very special between a mother and a daughter when that daughter has their first child. I wasn’t permitted to experience that. My husband claims that my family is not family, that only his family is family because they are the ones that WE have spent time with up until now and my family isn’t going to come around now. I hide this from my mother because I know it would absolutely kill her to hear. It just breaks my heart every time I hear him call my mother scum and dirt and a nobody. And he does it every time I do something he doesn’t like or say something he doesn’t like. He says I make a big deal about our son spending time with his family and that I am jealous. Well, I would probably describe a part of it as jealousy, but it so much more than that. I could go on and with family details and fights about family versus family…it gets us nowhere.
My husband is the sweetest guy in the world one minute and the meanest, most cruel person you could ever meet another. He degrades me, tells me I’m worthless and that I came from nothing and would be nothing without him. He has thrown things and punched doors cause he “is so mad at me”. I work full time and have a good job. When I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, I was sad and I wanted more than anything to stay home. My husband would say that respectable people get up and go to work in the morning. So, I went and the first week I came home and cried nearly every night. He would take the baby from me until I stopped crying, and after a week he told me that if I came home crying again I would sorry. I’ve told him recently that I want a divorce. He tells me to go ahead, that I will never get custody of our son because his family is so great and no judge would turn against them, and my family is filth. I am an excellent mother and he knows that. I am a good person and have a good job and am fully able to support myself and our son. I don’t drink, which he does daily and on the weekends til he blacks out. I take care of the house and our family and shop for all of our needs. I don’t believe that a judge would take my child away from me, but I am scared. He is a powerful person.
I just don’t understand how someone that I love so much could say things like this to me and make me feel so worthless and broken down. I have done everything for him since the day we got together. I make sure his needs (and now our sons) are met before mine. I am just so lost and confused and tired and sad and hurt. I just can’t fight anymore. I don’t have the strength.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
i have been married close to 6 yrs now.i immigrated to usa when i got married to my husband from india.i cant make much sense of whatever’s going on in my life and what i should do.my husband does not physically abuse me but im a dentist from a foreign country and i have to go back to school and repeat as there is no reciprocation.being a very competitive field, i havent been able to get back into schoolinspite of getting moderate scores. i am still trying to get back but every instance my husband gets he brings up how useless and worthless i am for not having the ability to get back into dentistry.i am trying my very best.i want to make it through the exams and all but everytime i dont get great scores( taken it 3 times and made 79, 80 and 82%)he continues to put me down. everday i get reminded atleast once about how worthless i am over this.i dont have a job, no self esteem, no money,no friends.i always wonder where i can go because its getting to a point where i cant take it anymore.any advice?
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Hi Lost,
Taking what you say on face value and accepting that you’re a decent person - not a worthless, evil loser - I think you’re facing a wake-up call. And I’ll be brutally straightforward in defense of your spirit.
Be honest. You lied to yourself for 11 years because you weren’t taught any better. Your husband isn’t going to change (although there are numerous case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” in which husbands and boy-friends did change). He is who he is. There’s a false belief accepted by many well-meaning people that their love can change predators. This lion wants to devour you.
Everything you’ve done to make him happy didn’t get him to want to make you happy. Where did you get the idea that it was your job to make him happy and only if you made him happy enough would he be required to make you happy? Not even a son made him want to make you happy. He’s still trying to straighten you out … which means beat you into submission, so you’ll do everything his way.
When they throw temper tantrums, losers blame their wives.
If you stay, he’ll continue harassing, degrading and isolating you. Eventually, you’ll give up and your soul will shrivel up.
“What’s the price for tolerating bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!”
Why would you listen to the opinion of someone who harasses, degrades and isolates you? That’s accepting that he’s right.
Act now. Get outside legal information. See your own lawyer who is not connected with his family, and maybe lives in another town.
Find strength and courage. Get support through coaching and groups in your town.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Hi Ami,
This sounds bad, but, maybe, not hopeless.
Separate the problems with dentistry from the problem of how he bullies you.
Dentistry - you’re stuck with our system and working hard to get back into your profession. That’s difficult enough.
His bullying - His excuses and justifications for why he bullies you do NOT give him permission to be so nasty. Don’t debate about that. Simply demand that he stop treating you that way. His job is to be a good helpmate, and support and encourage you.
There are numerous case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” that will help you wise up. Look beyond physical bullying to the early warning signs of Stealth Bullies.
Give him a chance to change through couples counseling — as long as he stops putting you down immediately while you’re going through counseling.
If he won’t stop, you’d better get away before you have children and become even more economically dependent on him. I don’t know your predicament. You may need to plan and scheme to get free physically, emotionally and economically.
If you go down that path, you’ll probably need coaching to plan effective strategies. Get help.
Be brave and strong.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 26th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I have been married for 6 years to someone whom I dated in high school and a little bit beyond that time. I moved out of Province in 82. We reconnected through a website and to make a long story short, I moved to where he was and we got married. My first red flag was just before we got married, when he got very angry at me when I cut my finger trimming flowers and he had to drop what he was doing to take me to get stithes. His son who is in school and an adult lives with us. the verbal abuse has been horrible over the last 6 years. All the name calling and always over nothing, or nothing that had anything to do with me. I cant say how many times I felt crushed and battered in my mind. there has been some physical abuse as well. Pushing me around with his chest,striking out at me, choking me and a few pushes here and there. I have pushed him off of me a few times so he thinks that I abused him and whines about it. I have found out so many lies about him over the past 6 years I cant even speak. It is like I am in a movie and my whole married time with him has been one huge lie after another. We had a blow up 5 days ago. It was over something that had nothing to do with me. He called me useless, imcompetent, worthless, and many other choice swear names. He and his son often have made me the butt of their jokes and then say that they are just kidding. there is so much more my fingers may hurt if i write it all. I ignored him for 3 days, being gone all day while he was at work and then I would go to my job at 3pm, coming home quietly at 11 and locking my door, and doing this until he confronted me after 3 days and told me to leave ( although it was more of a scream fest for him with al the colorful words you can imagine. ) I had already, the day before, been to the place that supports abused women and told them my story. Since then, he has called me non stop on my cell and I finally called him back. He initially was angry, but cooled off continually asking me if that was “it” and I was not coming back. He asked me so many times it was almost weird. I asked him whyhe kept asking me the same question when i already gave him my answer. he said he was just giving me the opportunity to change my mind. He did not say antyhing like I love you, I miss you, please come home, or anything of the sort ( not that any of those things would have made any difference). When I was leaving the property that time he told me to get out, one of the things he said was ….”you have been replaced”. when I reminded him of that, he of course lied and said ” I said, you could be relpaced, not you ahve been replaced”. I ask anyone reading this to say those things out loud and tell me if there is a huge difference in words. I know what I heard and he was speaking loudly. He did say he was remorsefull and knows that he has hurt me, but thinks it is just because of last monday, not about all the many many other times i have been yelled at and abused.
I am at a friends house, and I am sure he knows where I am. I am safe and I am protected although often jittery and afraid. Knowing all the lies and things he has done, which I am just finding out now, makes me realize i dont know him at all and so I cannot say what he is capable of although I have seen him break things and go nuts.
I cannot make any decisions right now other than I KNOW I am not going back into that marriage no matter what. I am done and I am free and will be freer. I am not sleeping well, I am not eating as I have no appetite, I have a wonderful support system here where I live and around Canada and I am lucky. I want out, I used to be a happy person and know that I can find it again within me. I am not sure which way to go first, but I will keep checking with this website to see what other people do and say.
thank you for letting me vent. I need to release and I need to move on and not be afraid anymore
September 26th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Please help. I have a bad problem, my husband isn’t what i would have consitered abusive when i first met him and the first year of our marrige was great. When I had my first child we had been married about 7 months, when I was pregent with my second child we got into a verbl fight and he drug me out of the house. 2 years later i had another child, when she was 6 months old me and my husband got into a verbl fight and he through a chair at me and broke my arm. three years later witch just happened a month ago he broke my leg, just toight he tryed to strangle me.
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Hi Dori,
You’re describing one type of classic bully - verbal abuse, harassment, demeaning put-downs followed by “just kidding”, lies and physical violence. That’s balanced by his blaming on you (”it’s your fault”), whining, and feeling sorry for himself.
I’m so glad you can find a safe, protected place and support.
Stay courageous and strong and persevere. Don’t debate, don’t argue; don’t waste your time trying to convince him that it’s his fault.
You might hope that you’ve been replaced so he can turn his attention onto someone else. If he says, “You’ve been – or can be – replaced,” respond with, “Please go for it.”
This isn’t about dissecting the corpse of a rotten relationship. This is about you insisting that you having a bully-free island. This is about your taking charge of your island. You get to vote on who stays or goes and you don’t have to justify it; he doesn’t get to vote or to judge whether your reasons are logical or good enough for him.
Don’t believe his promises. Get completely free first (divorce) and then see if he wants to court you. Like a newborn deer, take tentative steps at first.
Get a lawyer so you can come away with what’s legally yours. Change your phone number and email address, tell them at work not to talk with him, and get a restraining order if you need.
You’ll see examples like Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Hi Going to Have a Baby,
Get away. See the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Be the first to go to the police. Stay calm and convincing. Get documentation, like hospital records.
Find a safe house and support.
Get a lawyer.
Your children need you to act systematically and safely.
Bullying is often multi-generational. Teach your children how to stand up to bullies and that bullies don’t win.
Of course, it’ll be difficult. Have courage, perseverance, resilience and great plan.
Good luck,
Ben
October 5th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
hi, i’ve been with my husband for 9 yrs. I’m early 30’s, we have boys, 2 and 6. My husband is a functional alcoholic. He taunts, he picks fights, he is verbally, emotionally and occassionaly physically abusive. He spends at least 2 nights away from home each week as part of his work. He was recently involved in an accident that made himm take stock of his life and he treated the kids and i the way i had always dreamed of…for three weeks until he went back to work. His lies are second nature to him, he knows how to hide his tracks, such as on the computer, what he is hiding around the house and what he’s been up to when he’s away. I can’t trust him, i’m scared of him and his moods, but yet his charisma seems so irresistable to me. we live in a different country to my family, i miss them all so much, we have moved around as part of his career since we got together, which i have supported him in, and i have recently started studying and luckily it is distance so it allows me to move around if i need to. i know he does try hard sometimes, and he can be so sweet and apologetic, i wonder if anyone out there has any success stories or is this just one big fantasy that will never work out? i feel so dazed and confused about what to do next… thanks for taking the time to read
October 8th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Hi Dazed,
Your husband sounds like a classic bully-abuser. He might apologize and straighten out for 3 weeks, but I don’t hear a concerted, ongoing attempt to change his behavior (no lies, no hiding tracks, no moods, no violence).
You can stay with him longer and try to enable-beg him to change, but 99%, you’re living in a fantasy. You’re isolated from your family and your previous support hasn’t won him to better behavior and never will.
You’re already planning to get independent, so deep in your heart of hearts you know where this is going.
If you stay:
1. You’re showing your sons that bullying wins and women stay. No matter what you say differently, that’s what they’ll learn. Do you want to teach them that?
2. You’re letting your soul shrivel. Never stay with someone you’re afraid of.
Forget his charisma. Look for love somewhere else.
It’s hard with kids, but it’ll be harder with 3 of them. Make a stepwise plan.
See the studies of Jean, Lucy and Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” for some variants on your theme.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 8th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
im petrified of cruel abusive husband its so bad but i have no money to pay rent anywhere else .he controls everything house and moneyon top of that my mom would be so embarrased if her daughter leaves as we are sikhs culture ill be banned and ridiculed couldn;t hold on to my husband -but he is stubborn alcoholic that functions well -looks -successful im unwell on disability will lose everything if i leave him my security of warm home -also he would find me and kill me his temper is vicious - but -hes nice to all outsiders most people like him i need revenge just to fix him up i dont mean hurt him but just something to help me feel like a human being again - i been married to monster for 44 uears im 63 he is 68 strong as an ox i wish god would help
October 10th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Ami–I was really compelled and touched by your story. I to am going thru the very same thing right now. In fact it is midnight and my husband is downstairs with about 15 beers under his belt. I would love to chat email me mgmtteam@ live. com
October 12th, 2009 at 1:59 am
Wow,
Although its sad to read, its in a weird way a comfort to know others are facing the same nightmare I am. My husband is very controlling, I beleive he has a strong hate for women, and looks at me only for the money I can make to someday support him. He has bounced from Job to Job…state to state in the almost 5 years we have been married..making it harder each time for me to find the high paying Job I once held. currently we are in Oklahoma, a move from California..I am on unemployment, the wages here are substantially lower, and he wants me to find an “Owner/CEO” of a business, and tell them how wonderful I am and make them pay me $45,000 a year. I pay all the utilities, groceries and petcare needs. which eats up most of my unemployment. I am not allowed to ever see his paycheck,bank account, or ask him for money, I am to live on what I make, and he makes damn sure I have nothing extra for me. Its like he creates situations for me to be dependent on him, so he can remind me how worthless I am. He tells me I need to get a job soon that is acceptable to him, or he will move out of the apartment, and I will be left to survive on my own. I have learned to try and keep my reaction of panic inside and not share it with him, because I really think he takes great joy in causing pain and fear in me..how can a husband become a monster like this? it seems it happened without me noticing, then one day…I was under his control…I think what hurts the most, is he has used sex and intimacy as part of his control. 4 years out of the 5 we have been married he has with held sex, hugs, kisses, saying he doesn’t like any of that stuff. If I want it…divorce him..find a fool who will put up with a woman who doesn’t work…I do everything I can to make up for not working, he wants for nothing.. he does not life a finger around the house, he works comes home and sits in his chair and I wait on him hand and foot. The lastest episode is we went to the casino for a few hours, he knew I had no money, because I spend all mine on bills..he makes really good money..and only contributes $589 a month for the rent…the rest is his spending money…he brings home roughly $1700 a week…do the math..but if he gives me $20…I am obligated to pay him back…and with the money he gives me…he tells me what I am allowed to do with it at the casino…or at the fast food place…or walmart…he said when I MAKE the money I can decide how to spend it…I spend wakeless hours trying to figure out how…it got this bad, and my family is now 1700 miles away…I am almost losing my car, because I can’t afford it on unemployment, and he doesn’t think he needs to help…we have not filed income tax in 3 years…and he doesn’t feel the need to carry car insurance or medical insurance…he said he doesn’t need it..and he is not wasting money on me having them…I am almost 48…I feel trapped, confused, and at times suisidal…it seems the only way out…even if I am lucky enough to just “Leave” I can’t afford to drive back to Calif…and even if I do beg, borrow and steal the gas money…I walk away from all of my belongings I can’t fit in my car…thats devastating to me….He says he doesn’t need anyone…the move to oklahoma has proved finacially beneficial to him….so he reminds me he can afford a house maid…he doesn’t need the responsibility of a wife…Sometimes I find myself wishing bad on him…I can’t be happy for his success, because that means he gets meaner…what mess I have put myself in…thanks for listening…I sure could use the knowledge of some of those tools for coping, he makes me doubt myself, and my self worth constantly..He will not accept “NO” and I am not allowed to show emotion or talk about my concerns with him..he has been phyically violent at times…so I know what buttons to avoid..but its sure no way to live…My friend says he makes himself feel like a man by putting me down…he had a horrible 1st marraige…she claimed he was abusive…I didn’t beleive her….now I do..leopards do not change thier spots…We were shopping for furniture..as we did not bring any with us from Calif…he wants to purchase a recliner..$999…he said he can’t get me a chair..(Mind you I would be happy with a cheap $150 something…to sit on…I sit in the floor to watch tv…) He said well…when you get a job you can have a chair…I feel like I am a slave..that is not intitaled to any comforts or pleasures in life…How can him treating me like this bring him joy…its almost like he is “sick” in his head…any advice would be appreciated…or just plain ole support..its lonely when the only person you know in a new strange state…is more like your capture…
Cassie
October 12th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Hi,
Please help me. I have a lovely 21 month daughter and she loves her dad and nneds him. I want my marriage to work.
My husband constantly says to me ” do as I say”, ” you don’t listen to me”, ” shut your mouth”, ” bitch”, ” bastard” and al sort of names… I can’t take it anymore. If I say something back, then he abuses my family and hits me with belt, sometimes on my head with buckle. Few days ago he punched me in stomach. But its not the physical pain that hurts me, its the abuses that really kill me.
Everytime he smokes, he’s very nice. the moment he quits or needs one, he’s back to his abusive ways.
I am a full-time, young mum with a toddler at home. i do everything at home from cleaning to cookign to bills, everything. I get no help. But that’s fine too. All I want is just some respect from my partner. Confronting him is no option. I try to just listen to him and follow him blindly, but I can’t stick to it. My self-respect doesn’t allow it. I love him but I hate him too. Please advise what should I do. leaving him is not an option.
October 12th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Hi Jackie,
By accepting his bullying and abuse (for all your good reasons) you dug yourself a huge hole.
The deeper the hole, the more effort and usually, the longer you have to persevere in order to get out.
You have a simple but difficult choice to make:
1. Pray to God to kill him or make him a vegetable to solve your problem or
2. Get some little revenge or vent to people, but don’t change anything, followed by a life of suffering or
3. Live according to the wishes of others - your mother, Sikh ideas/beliefs/culture - or your own fears or
4. Make secret plans, even though you’re partly disabled, and get away and start a different life for your last 10, 20, 30, 40 years.
There’s no help for you until you make the decision. Then you can get support.
See the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Hi Christy,
Thanks for finding Ami,
And be careful. If you vent and commiserate too much, you may lose the driving energy to do something about the situation or to get away from it.
The purpose of talking and sympathizing is to help us develop the strength and courage, and to learn the skills we need.
Remember: What’s the cost of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Hi Cassie,
Don’t try to explain or understand him; he is what he is - you got him that way and you didn’t heed the early warning signs. You’ll never do anything good enough to change his behavior. Stealth bullies like him don’t change.
It’s this bad because you accepted it - step by step.
Don’t stay like a slave. Get away before you have children. Take steps, even if it takes you a year, to move to where you can get a job to support yourself. Your future is calling to you. Do what your future demands of you.
Listen to the call of your soul.
Read “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”
Get coaching.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Hi CK,
I’m sorry, but if leaving him is not an option, you’re not only setting yourself up for abuse and battering for life, but you’re also teaching your daughter that that’s what women take from men and that bullies win. No matter what you say, that’s what she’ll learn.
Bullying is multi-generational; so is being a victim. Stopping the cycle is more important than her need for a bullying, battering, abusive father.
When he hits you, call the police. Be as calm as you can and convince them that he’s beating you. Get support from battered women’s groups in your town. Plan ahead.
Act before you have another child.
Good luck,
Ben
October 12th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Hi Ben,
Thanks for the reply. I have called the police twice but not pressed charges. I feel guilty after calling them. I really love him and dont want to do this to him. I know what he’s doing is wrong but i dont want to be wrong.
I’m from Indian origin, once his mum was over here with us, and he hit me because of her and i called police and I moved out. He convinced me adn got me back home. But since them I’m subject of his family’s taunts and they are still very angry for me for calling police.
I am an independent woman, he’s no issues with that. Infact he wants me to work. perhaps for the money! But I still love him and just want things to settle. Isn’t there any other solution to this apart from seperation?
Thanks
CK
October 14th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Hi CK,
With abusive, bullying spouses like your husband, learning is all or none. They don’t learn from half measures like calling the police but not filing charges, or by accepting apologies and promises without real consequences, like divorce. They might change for a little while but then they fall back.
It’s your choice, but if you stay, don’t expect him to change.
I think you might take a hard look at what you call love. Is it just an emotion? You might also look at how you love yourself.
There are still hints like when you think it’s important that he doesn’t mind your being economically independent. True independence is where you behavior first. And vote people on or off your island depending on how they treat you.
See many of the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in heir Tracks” and the story of Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Wise Up.”
I do a lot of coaching by phone, but you may need to find a good local coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 9th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Things I don’t like about my husband
Telling me to only drive the care twice a week, and I am using up all the gas.
Disrespect me
Don’t support me when the kid are misbehaving
13 year seals my clothes goes on computer without our premission, I punish her by telling her she can’t go on the computer on the weekend. You are always in disagreement even in front of the kids! So I changed the pw on the computer and she is trying to figure it out. I put her on punishment again. I even tried to pop and she went for me and you are comforting her and not telling her not to act like the to there mother. Instead she gets extra hugs!
Stop shouting at me in front of the kids
Stop being controlling
How can you perceive everything is fine if we are here
I think that if the kids have done something wrong and they should not be confiscated for doing something wrong
You have changed in a couple of months you use to be supportive with me regarding the kids but now you are not
Be kind
Don’t you spend another dime out of the account
I told you not to take any money out the account at the end of the month! 18 September.
He said, I am going to the store! when I said my daughter and I was going out
Told me my cousin does not have a man and can’t keep a man and she wants company, he also called her name in front of the kids!
You are listening to your friends and are they going to take care of you?
Told me that I had a responsibility in this house, then my daughter interrupted and say yes mummy you have responsibilities in the house
Told me I could leave if I didn’t want to say anything and come back when I was going to talk
Told me its not fare to take it out on the kids because he the one who hurt me
Told me he is sick of taking care of me
Told me that I am neglecting the kids
Told me not to drive the car
Get out the car!
I might as well stay at home
I need to move on like what the Police Office said.
He was trying to protect his daughter.
Everything will have to stop next week he is not putting up with this
you always want everyone to change but you don’t want to change
Everything thing is you
This house is your responsibilities you have to do your share
You going to make lousy $30 at her house
Told me he only agrees with the first line that said I should not hit him under no circumstances. Result next time will end in divorce
He said calling me a gurkt was not filtered or neglective when he was growing up so he does not think there’s anything wrong with calling me that.
I am tried of taking care of you
I am tried of you relying on me
Always deeming me in front of the kids
when are you going to clean the bath?
you took your allowance, I thought you would have done it
He let the 9 year old clean behind the stove and refrigerator
He was saying that he knows everything what is going on in the house
He does not like looking after 4 dependents in the household
He wants everywhere I am going to find out if I am using up the gas, because he is paying for it.
I should find a different way of discipline the kids because what I am doing is not working. Even though I said I have tried everything else and I told him he was not there. He said he was there, and did know everything that went on
I told him I don’t feel he is sorry
He said he still have to live, take care of the bills, and go to work
Selena had a scratch; and he wanted to know if I did it in anger!
Parental issue
Shantelle is telling lies, and my husband won’t let her take responsibility for her lies. He does not want her to admit she is lying and says that he understand that she maybe going through pre pressure at school. I felt really hurt when I told her she should be ashamed of herself and she told me she was not ashamed of herself.
My husband then said her hormones are going crazy and said that women have emotions when men go by sight.
He told me that what happens in our house stays in our house and I should not be sharing our business with anyone.
My thoughts with this is that if my husband was was supportive of me regarding our kids I would not have to go outside to have my friends support. I feel alone when it comes to the kids. I don’t usually have his deviant support, and his support is more damaging then healing to the kids needs. He comforts them for their bad behavior.
My husband is taking his travel business more seriously then this issue we are having in our marriage. He is consistently making his business calls even when he was shouting at me….
Sick eg Shanice medication Asthma
My 13 year old had a temperature and headache for 3 days, then he sent her to school I was not at home that day
November 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Hi Mary,
What a mess. If you’ve talked to a police officer, I assume there’s been physical violence or loud enough fighting to call them.
While there’s always two sides to every argument, that doesn’t make both sides true or equal. I’m not there so I can’t give advice.
I do have to ask: What do you want in your life? Do you want to live another 10 years in these fights? What kind of talk will you allow in your personal space?
Of course the children disrespect you; they see him doing that. Of course the children take sides with the one who lets them do what they want.
You have to decide what you want in your life. Don’t try to win arguments with him. He’s clear; he’s not going to change, he wants you to deal with this so he’s not bothered but the kids will drag him in.
Find a local support group and a coach.
Take change of your life. Be strong and brave. We all had ancestors who overcame all odds. You’ll have to become like them.
Good luck,
Ben
November 12th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I had read your warning signs for a controlling husband and though my husband doesn’t feel that he’s abusive (verbally) or controlling in any way or there’s nothing major wrong in our relationship, he fits several of your warning signs.
He regularly threatens to leave our marriage (we have a young son) more so when he is going to lose an argument or not get ‘his’ way. He’s told me several times that I cannot live without him, that I cannot afford anything, etc. He threatens to take my son from me. During our most recent argument I was told that he wouldn’t see our son as much if he left. To which I responded that it’s not right for us to be miserable. He regularly tells me that things have to be ‘my way or the highway’ and I pointed out to him that my opinion doesn’t really matter in our household because he controls everything. He also regularly tells me that I’m lazy and when I do do the things he’s asked me to that I ‘half-ass’ them, etc.
I’m really at my wits end and do not know what to do.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Hi Amanda,
Straightforward.
Unimportant:
1. What he believes he is or isn’t.
2. Warning signs I’ve collected from my professional experience.
Important:
What you want in your personal space, life? What you’ll tolerate.
Do you want your son to grow up thinking and acting the way his father does? Do you want to live with someone who controls everything? Are you really lazy and do everything “half-assed?”
Take charge of your space; stop waiting for him to agree.
See the case studies of Lucy and Jean in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
See the study of Grace getting free from her stealth bullying husband in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
Get a coach. Get local support.
It’s your life, your call. What behavior will you allow on your island? Only you get to vote.
Decide. Then you can plan tactics.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 19th, 2009 at 10:55 am
dear ben i have been married for 14 yrs he left 6 months ago and has not sppoken to me
he was verbally abusive and physically abusive he controls everyhting snd yet is so convincing and makes me look and feel controlling he hit me so bad ina car with our 7 yr old daughter on my lap that i could nt see and was so hurt on my arm that the swelling and bruising lasted for weeks
i waS SO SCARED I WENT TO THE DOCTOR WHO CALLED THE POLICE AND I SPOKE TO THEM I BELIEVED THAT ACTION HAS SAVED MY LIFE
my family support me but the community believe him and judge me as i am not suppoed to go to the police
i feel so gulity and confused i want him to change and realise he cant treat me this wayhe has people wghp
November 19th, 2009 at 10:56 am
he has people who work for him who also bullied me into beliving it was all my fault i am still scared
November 21st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Hi anonymous,
I’ll be straightforward.
He won’t change. Be glad that he left. Stay away safely with your daughter. Get a restraining order. Get local support from battered women’s groups.
Only be around people who believe you and will help you.
Get over your old rules and feelings. If he wasn’t acting in self defense – you didn’t come after him with a knife while you were holding your daughter in the car, did you? – get rid of your guilt. Believe yourself, not his friends or people who work for him.
I know he’ll blame his verbal and physical abuse on you. Don’t try to win the argument. Keep him off your island, whether he likes it or not.
Create a bully-free island.
Get a lawyer. Get a good coach.
Read the case study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their tracks.” Read Grace’s story in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
If the community takes his side, move away and create a community that opens its heart to you and your daughter.
Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it’s okay for men to treat her that way? No matter what you say, she’ll learn by what you do.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 29th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I’ve been married for seven years to a man who is a bully in every sense of the word. I am on the verge of leaving him, but keep getting held back in my own mind because he thinks the way he acts toward me is fine. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. In addition, his bullying goes in cycles– right now he’s in a phase where he isn’t really controlling or bullying me, but it will return; however, the “good times” make it harder to leave. I am also afraid that if I leave, he will become extremely vindictive toward me or violent toward himself. (I told him a few months ago that I was very unhappy and he said that if I left, he might as well put his shotgun in his mouth and pull the trigger. He repeated this statement several times and told me he was not exaggerating.) He definitely will not understand why I am leaving.
I have been WAITING for some kind of last straw or kick in the butt from the universe that will get me out the door. I have a job; we have no kids; it shouldn’t be that difficult, but it seems almost impossible. I feel paralyzed by my inaction.
So why am I leaving? These aren’t in any particular order but:
-He freely indulges his bad moods when he’s around me; I constantly have to listen to his rants and raves about whatever is upsetting him. However, if I express any kind of unhappiness or negativity, he says I’m being a bitch.
-He has terrible road rage. He justifies it because he spends a lot of time on the road.
-He makes horrible racist comments on a daily basis. He makes crude anti-woman comments on a daily basis.
-He refuses to wear a seatbelt or have any kind of regular medical checkup, and is 30 pounds overweight. He tells me that my worries about his health are my problem, not his.
-He insists on controlling our finances but spends recklessly.
-He physically punishes our dog in a way that I think is too harsh. Then he gets frustrated with me because I will not “discipline” the dog. He has stood over me and insisted that I yell at the dog when the dog has been bad.
-He thinks I am too shy and he has tried many times to cure this by forcing me to talk to people; for example, insisting that I go up to the clerk in a store and ask a question. I once told him that I don’t appreciate his efforts to change me and he said, “I’m not trying to change you– I’m just trying to change the negative things about you.”
-All of our daily activities revolve around his interests and his schedule. He becomes frustrated and impatient if we do something I want to do.
-He has totally isolated me from my family by employing various tactics, such as refusing to speak when they come over to our house; being very rude to my father; not returning my mom’s phone calls; etc. They no longer feel welcome at our house.
I could go on and on but you get the picture. The worst part is that I have ALLOWED him to treat me this way. I am as much to blame as he is. I am having a terrible time.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Hi Struggling,
You have him figured out. Now act. Take charge of your Island. Vote him off.
He doesn’t get to vote. Don’t waste your time trying to get him to understand and agree. Don’t give him your money. Who cares if he’s angry? Just tell him and get it done with.
He’s a bullying control-freak. Get him gone before you’re broke and have kids. Give yourself a chance to create good times with someone else. Find someone who admires you and supports your interests.
Be stronger than your inertia and guilt. You’re not responsible if he shoots himself. He has a choice. Those threats are emotional blackmail. When you get rid of him, tell the cops about his threats. See what they think.
The big question: “What kind of behavior do you want on your Island?” We know it’s not his.
Connect with family and friends.
He’ll try to blame on you and take everything. Get a strong lawyer.
Get an on-going coach to deal with each issue and each hesitation while (not just before) you get free.
Read the cases of Brandi and Lucy in How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Read about Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
Your future is calling to you. Have courage, strength and gritty.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 am
why do we stay.? these stories are so sad. Im going
to divorce my control freak..hes a bully and a coward.doesnt apologize. I will be free and happy and never be with someone like that again..I hope everyone can find peace.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Hi Sarah,
Why do we stay? Good question, but I prefer, “What to I need to do right now to take my next step to get free?” I find analysis paralysis often gets in the way.
Apologies would be nice, but only behavior change counts!
And good for you for getting free of him. Since he’s a control-freak, bully and coward, you’d better get a lawyer who’ll protect you in court.
It’s your island! See “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 13th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Well, I never thought I would be telling my abusive husband story but here goes. After a (now seen) brief 8 monthes of dating we got married. I have two businesses and he moved in with me. He works very hard but here’s the clincher…he was in prison for almost 20 years for accidently killing his best friend. Funny part is, I figured if the state gave him another chance then everyone elsle should too. At all appearances, you would never know he had ever been in prison. He went in 19 and came out 38 and married. His first wife was 17 years older than him and married him the last 6 years he was in prison. She kicked him out 3 times and the last time he met me…then she wanted him back for financial reasons. She never told anyone if he was abusive to her but she did complain about his drinking. He is a heavy drinker…few days go by that he doesn’t drink but the real problem is when he drinks hard liquor. His father was a very abusive alcoholic who tortured him and his 3 sisters for the 13 years before his Mom finally left. He has never actually hit me but he blocks my way, tries to hem me up in our walk in closet or bathroom, gets up in my face, cusses me and shoves and drags me around. He will not let me out of his site and certainly won’t let me use the phone. If I call the police he would more than likely go back to prison and I really don’t want that to happen but I am scared of him. He is not bad all the time but when it’s bad it’s really bad. I will have to get him out of my house and I live in a very remote place and far away from any law enforcement. One time HE actually called the cops and they did not come out because he answered the phone when they called back and said everything was okay. Great police force eh? I also know he shot my pig and possibly took my favorite cat off. My friends cannot stand him anymore and are on me to make him leave. I want to and am doing some major planning right now but am also waiting on the next blowup and I KNOW it’s going to happen. I could go to his parole officer but I really don’t want him to return to prison, even though he is mean to me, he is a valued employee and good friend to others. He doesn’t deserve to go back to prison but if I ever threaten to call the police he totally freaks out. Some of my friends suggest that I fight back but I feel that will only make it worse. Any advice??
December 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Hi Elliemae,
I’ll be straight forward. You already know the answer. Where do you think this relationship is going? Do you think it’ll get better? Magical thinking!
Take the responsibility for protecting yourself. Don’t be afraid. Step up to your own strength or live in relationship hell for the rest of your life.
You’re not responsible for the bind (prison) his past behavior has put him in … that his present bullying may get him.
What did you do wrong? Often, nice people don’t want to jump in too fast and kick someone off their island. In my informal surveys, most nice people wait too long. They ignore the signs, so they end up being bullied for years. They’re too nice and they don’t protect themselves. They forget that they must get predators off their island. A predator with a few good traits is still a predator.
His going back to prison is NOT your look-out. That’s why we made laws to take that decision out of the hands of the nice, sweet targets of these abusive bullies. You real decision is about whether to save yourself by getting him off your island.
See the case studies in my book “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 31st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
i have a question..how do you get your life back when your abuser leaves…what if he tells you its your fault he left, and now he lives across the street..i have put up with a lot in the past 12 years and now i live in fear of loosing my kids and i find myself watching the various girls he brings home wondering why did he leave his family for parties and women..how do i get out of this mind game trap…
January 4th, 2010 at 6:04 am
Jamie says
Hi all.
It saddens me to hear so many stories of mental abuse and yet unfortunately it does not surprise me.
I too was a victim of psychological domestic violence. To make matters worse my husband, like Debbie’s, was addicted to cyber porn and often locked me and the children out of rooms in the house as well as out of the house itself when he was masturbating to this. Instead of cherishing me as his wife he put me down, called me names like stupid, fat and ugly, although I am none of these.
Eventually I was left with no choice but to leave him when I found out he had been cheating as well as all the other stuff.
After he breached a protection order twice the real heartbreaking news hit the fan. I found out he had begun sexually abusing my children. I had always had a hunch something was up but you know I never actually thought he was doing that.
Perhaps unsurprisingly he went on to serve time for sexually violating against another minor.
Recently I have written a book about my life experience called soul crushers - soulcrushersbook.webs.com. Please feel free to check out my website and leave a comment about anything to do with domestic violence. Also check out the Power and Control wheel - just google it on the net. I found this to be an extremely helpful tool in diagnosing psychological abuse.
The only advice I could ever give any one in a similar position like I was in is get out. Don’t kid yourself like I did, believing he would change - he is not. And when he says he is sorry - remember without evidence of change sorry is just an empty word.
So here it is in black and white - if abuse doesn’t kill you physically it will kill you mentally and spiritually. He will have your head goin’ round in circles until you think you are the crazy one. He will crush you because that is what soul crushers do. And another thing - remember -our children suffer when we suffer. I hope that helps.
I sooooo wish everybody all the best.
January 7th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Hi Anonymous,
When you divorce him, you also divorce his opinions actions. Why listen to the self-serving opinions of a bully, an abuser? Ignore what bullies and abusers say.
Get a good lawyer who’ll tell you what to do to keep your kids.
Work hard to so you can create your own wonderful life. Throw yourself into it 110% so you have less and less time and interest in him.
I know that’s easy for me to say and hard for you to do: Especially when you see him, which triggers the old feelings and patterns. So what if it’s hard? It’s what must be done. He won’t go away on his own.
That’s how you get your life back - you take it back one day, one act at a time.
Eventually you move away and get a restraining order so that he can’t live right across the street.
Right now he thinks he can wear you down. Don’t let him. You must be tougher and stronger that he is.
Look down on him, like you’d look down on a jerk that leaves his family for girls and parties. Help your kids look down on his way of being.
Read, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
January 7th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Hi Jamie,
Right: “The only advice I could ever give any one in a similar position like I was in is get out. Don’t kid yourself like I did, believing he would change - he is not. And when he says he is sorry - remember without evidence of change sorry is just an empty word.”
Read the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Words don’t count; only action counts.
Don’t let anybody crush your soul. Never, never, never give up (quoting Winston Churchill). Teach your children to be invulnerable also. Many, many great people grew up in horrible situations (like Churchill did) but they become invulnerable to the opinions of bullies, abusers and creeps.
It’s not easy, but it’s the only way.
Put his words and deeds out of sight, out of mind. Divorce means that you turn your back on a bully and abuser. Get away to a life of your own. Don’t let his self-serving opinions count. Protect yourself from his actions.
Teach your children to do the same.
Never let your soul be crushed.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 28th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
my husband bullies me in texts and verbal and hits me i dont wanna lose him plz help
January 29th, 2010 at 11:57 am
Hi,
My husband is in canada , am in USA with our 2 kids. My husband is a contral freak and is a abuser. He calls me and abuses, He vene calls my parents in India and abuses them as well.
What can be done to stop him?
January 29th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Hi Sharon,
He hits, he bullies you verbally and in texts — why not lose him?
I assume you’ve asked him, begged him, threatened him, forgiven him — and he still does it.
You have nothing worthwhile to lose and the whole rest of your life to gain.
Until you’re ready to lose him, any advice is wasted – you won’t carry it out effectively and he won’t stop.
Sorry, but that’s the truth.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 29th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Hi looking,
Don’t give in. I assume you’ve asked him, begged him, threatened him, forgiven him — and he still does it.
If you don’t have immigration issues, be glad he’s in Canada and you’re in the USA. Get a coach and create a plan to get economically free so you can take care of your two kids.
If they can, have your parents record his abusive calls and send you copies. Or else, have them walk away and let him abuse the air.
Read the case studies in “Bullies Below the Radar” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Notice that I didn’t even say anything about whether or not you did something bad or wrong. Don’t accept abuse. Don’t allow him to
“Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore
If he won’t sing your song, vote him off your isle.
Best wishes,
Ben