« Teen Suicides Stimulated by Harassment and Bullying; Students Unprotected | Home | Teen Suicides Should Lead to Anti-Bullying, Abuse School Programs »
Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work
By Ben | May 11, 2009
In an article in the New York Times on May 9, 2009, “Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work,” Mickey Meece describes numerous cases of women bullying women at work.
Of course, women abuse, harass and sabotage other woman at work, just like men do to each other. Sometimes they’re overt and sometimes they’re stealthy, sneaky. Isn’t that your experience?
More important than distracting questions and considerations about how much they do it, why they do it or do they do it more or differently than men, are:
- Do you recognize the early warning signs of bullies?
- Do you know how to stop them skillfully?
Women often say that other women aren’t as overt about bullying; they’re more likely to be stealth bullies. Some use tactics that are sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing; some form cliques and start rumors or demeaning put-downs; some pretend to be friends and bad mouth you behind your back; some are negative, whining, complaining “professional victims;” some are passive-aggressive. And some can be nit-picking, control-freaks just as much as men.
How about Meryl Streep and other unsavory characters in “The Devil Wears Prada?”
Some are splinters, rotten apples and cancers – at all levels in your organization. Just like men who bully.
As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same – whether they’re men or woman. That’s why we can find ways to stop them.
Ignoring the problem or begging, bribery, appeasement, simply reinforce low attitudes and behavior at all levels. A major part of the problem are conflict-avoidant leaders, managers and co-workers who think that if we all talk nicely to each other or try to make bullies happy, they’ll stop bullying.
If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
When women and men learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, we develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill. We need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they face – men or women.
Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies. I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book |
May 19th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Hi Ben;
Thanks for this information. I think women may actually be more skilled and subtle at bullying then men since they may have to bully from a position lower on the workplace hierarchy. One of the reasons bullies thrive is because some managers admire bullies and are bullies themselves. Thanks for your work. (I wrote a response to your comments on my article “Top Ways to Help Start a War”) on my blog at http://www.leonardnolt.blogspot.com
Leonard Nolt
May 28th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Hi Leonard,
Yes, we disagree. And I appreciate the thoughtful response on your blog.
I’d also say that some wars have been necessary because that’s the only way that some people learn. That’s the human condition.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 11th, 2009 at 10:07 am
[…] Notice that these examples were of girls bullying other girls; a common occurrence that often gets lost in the glare of publicity about boys who bully. These are often the girls who will grow up to be women who bully women at work. […]
December 8th, 2009 at 7:28 am
[…] men also engage in gossip at work, the typical image of harassment and bullying with gossip involves grown up mean girls using the same tactics they perfected in middle and high […]
January 28th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Whoever, Ben Leichtling is he should be prasied for his efforts to stop bullying not just in the workplace but in all aspect of bullying. He is right it is the Bully who should be gone!!!!
I ran a bully away and did not realize it until she was gone , this Bully had been my supervisor she often went around asking employee “what do you know ” about so and so. She had done me the same way and after becoming aware of the sites that described the BULLY BEHAVIOR I could recognize the Bully’s tactic the mode of operation they use.
Number 1 bullies are not happy people and they want to destroy other people because they themselves are not happy. What had happened to me I had been working this job as a Nurse and everything was fine I thought , as I said my Supervisor was a Bully she either liked you or she didnt if she did not like you she would go around looking for complaints for other employees to make about you, then she used the issues to fire the person whom she was out to attack.
she had tried to use this tactic with me asking me to watch certain employee’s she did not like. I would not comply, infact I would go to that employee and tell them to be careful and advise them what to correct so she could not fire them.
well in this hard economy jobs can be hard to find and one of the Nurse’s in our comapny had lost her job because she had been placed in a position she was not qualified she is a Lpn and the company had her doing Rcm work and you had to be an Rn to hold that title. One of the Nurse Consultant brought this to the companys attention so that Nurse lost her job and came to seek work at the building I worked in.
My supervisor began to write me up for no reason the same week , because there were no opening to clear a spot, when I realized this was happening for everything she wrote about me I checked it out. Example: she wrote me up for pucnhing in at 6:06 AM my defense was we have a 7min grace period well no we did not it was 5min what happend was I never received an employee handbook so I was not aware of the rules the handbook was giving to me that day, and I signed for it the day of the write up so her little birdy flew out the window.
Next she wrote me up alleging I had incorrectly transcribed a medication order last month and start asking me is everything going on okay in my personal life this raised a red flag with me. So I went to check the record to further investigate the write up. this is what I found out I had never touched the order, she had just wrote me up about, It had been another Nurse I immediatly went to her to tell her to take the write up out of my file her face turned red and she said she would look into it. At the change of shift I told the on coming Nurse about it, because she had transcribed the medication order she looked in the chart found the order and to my surprise nothing was wrong this order was in place.
Problem : as I said the order was in place so why did she write me up and, how had she convinced me in the first place to sign her write up, because the order she showed me had no signature but it appeared to have been tampered with , well we figured it out she had taken the order made a copy then took the order placed the copy over the signature and copied it again to make it appear it had not been signed by anyone. I went to her the next day demanding to see the write up she said she could not find it she knew I was on to her.
she went around asking co-worker about me to see if she could find any complaints . and she did. A co-worker told her I had recently filed a Discrimination Lawsuit she also; said I had also been talking about racism and added slavery too. well this scared the shit out of my supervisor because her motive to fire me was to take my job to make room for this White Nurse I am African American, after she heard about the Lawsuit that next week she resigned.
I feel I sent that Bully out the door by standing up to her and she got scared and quit. I was fired 2 weeks later due to she had infected the new supervisor with what had been said regarding the lawsuit. I am in process of filing a complaint with EEOC and will update you later of the results.
January 29th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Hi Linda,
Thanks for sharing a terrible and, unfortunately, common type of story.
You did great! Keep on fighting them. Glad you got a good lawyer.
The only other thing that had an outside chance of working at the beginning (not with them, not now) would be to go up the company tree to find a big boss who’s will to shake out the rats. To convince the boss, you make a business case: Bullies cause EEOC suits the company can’t afford. Get rid of bullies and save money. A personally case based on, “It’s wrong or unfair,” usually has less of a chance of being clear or moving most executives.
The good executives or managers would have already created an environment where that bully couldn’t have gotten away with it or been supported by her boss.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben