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Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use
By Ben | March 25, 2009
There are too many reports of workplace harassment and bullying to list. It seems that at least 30 percent of managers and employees are bullied and harassed. Many critics and experts focus only on bullying bosses, but I’ve seen just as many employees and coworkers use these bullying methods as I have managers and supervisors. Gangs of managers and staff also harass and bully each other. Men and women bully each other in all combinations.
How can you recognize the most common methods used for bullying and harassment?
The top 7 tactics I’ve seen are:
- Yelling and physical threats (overt or subtle).
- Personal attacks, verbal abuse, emotional intimidation, insults, put-downs and humiliating, demeaning, rude, cruel, insulting, mocking and embarrassing comments. False accusations (especially outrageous) and character assassination. Demeaning behavior at meetings – interrupting, ignoring, laughing, non-verbal comments behind your back (rude noises, body language, facial gestures, answering phones, working on computers).
- Harassment based on race, religion, gender and physical attributes. Sexual contact, lewd suggestions, name-calling, teasing and personal jokes (sometimes overtly nasty, or threatening or sometimes followed by laughter as in, “I was just kidding” in order to make it hard for you to fight back).
- Backstabbing, spreading rumors and gossip, manipulating, lying, distorting, hypocrisy and exposing your problems and mistakes. Anonymous attacks and cyber bullying – flaming e-mails and porn. Invading your personal space and privacy – rummaging through your desk, listening to phone calls, asking extremely personal questions, eating your food.
- Taking the credit; spreading the blame. Withholding information and then cutting you down for not knowing or for failing. Turf wars about budgets, hiring, copiers and coffee machines.
- Hypersensitive, over-reactions, throwing tantrums (drama queens, sensitive princes), continual negativity – so you walk on egg shells, back off in order to avoid a scene, or beg forgiveness as if you really did something wrong.
- Dishonest evaluations – praising and promoting favorites, giving slackers good evaluations and destroying the careers of people bullies don’t like.
Most bullies use combinations of these techniques.
Bullying at work creates a hostile and unproductive culture.
- There’s increased hostility, tension, selfishness, sick leave, stress-related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.
- People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes.
- Effort is diffused instead of aligned. Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks decrease.
- Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit. The best people leave as soon as they can.
I’ll go into possible solutions in future posts. But for a start, listen to the CDs “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes.”
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Stop Bullies Book | 29 Comments »
March 26th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I’m really glad to have found your post today. I am the target of a bully manager and I am an emotional wreck. Tears all the way home (again) today. Fortunately, or not so much for a few select coworkers who “have his number”, his targets move from time to time but I’m never far from his sights.
I do not even work for this person and yet he can butcher my state of mind, confidence and concentration for an entire day or even days, with one sarcastic cutting comment in an email.
After expressing how his behavior affects me to the owner of the company a FEW times, I saw that I was being viewed as too sensitive and emotional (I’m one of 2 females in the company) and that nothing would be done…and it hasn’t.
It is mind-blowing this bully can behave in diametric opposition with his superiors and his “favorites” (those who kiss up to him) versus how he treats those he targets. From slamming doors to self-aggrandizing emails or diatribes on how everyone else around him is lax and sub-par in one respect or another while he is an example for all to emulate.
He, in fact, IS a very good worker but he is a horrible manager. His interpersonal skills are deplorable. However, with superiors and customers, he is actually somewhat pleasant. The psychology behind how a person can behave in such a contradictory manner amazes me.
The worst part is I adore my company. I adore my job. I relocated with my company several years ago and it was after uprooting that he was hired, admired and promoted.
I have sworn to myself that this bully will not force me out from a company and a job I love. I try to let his comments, attitude and behavior roll off my back but it gets harder and harder. I cannot focus on my work after an “attack” and I have to hold back the tears and anger all day in order not to appear too emotional.
I have been in the work force almost as long as this person has been alive and I have worked for a great many personalities (without difficulty) but I have never encountered another personality such as this. I am a loyal, honest, talented hard worker and this has torn down my self-esteem and self-confidence to such a degree that I feel like a victim of domestic violence.
I apologize for such a lengthy comment. Although today was a bear, your article a godsend. Thank you.
March 29th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Hi Teresa,
I’m so sorry that this situation has been thrown at you.
By the way, many bullies commonly beat those below them, have favorites who kiss up to them, and also kiss up to those above them. They’re like sadistic Nazis. They can rise that way until someone shines a spotlight on them and someone in authority gets rid of them.
Platitudes and generalizations just don’t help. We’d have to talk about the specific details of you and your situation in order to develop tactics to:
1. See if you can take the bully’s focus off you without selling your soul or increasing his power by kissing up to him.
2. See if it’s still possible to change the owner’s mind. Usually that requires making a strong business case against the bully as a manager, since he’s a good worker.
3. Keep the bully’s comments rolling off your skin, instead of allowing them to affect your self-esteem and self-confidence. As long as you take the comments to heart, you’re an emotional victim of work (domestic) violence.
You might check out the case studies of Brandi, Brenda, Tammy, Carrie, Charlie, Kathy, Joe and Paula in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.” They’re examples of how different people used different methods to make themselves immune to hostile criticism in many different settings. The book is most easily available from the web site
We have to talk to design a method that would fit you emotionally.
But you know your goals. Stay strong, courageous and committed.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 7th, 2009 at 10:13 am
[...] Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use [...]
May 10th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
What you say about bullying at work resonates with me. I am just hanging on the best I can and am grateful for a job.
May 11th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Hi Lulu,
Sometimes, that’s all you can do – so keep hanging in. And make small steps to get you out of there and into a better place. Or make a giant step if you can.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 11th, 2009 at 8:34 am
[...] would you enjoy working with someone like him, who goes into your desk, listens to your private calls, says demeaning things about you, curses, [...]
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
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September 4th, 2009 at 12:22 am
[...] Rather than give a wordy description, let’s identify and label some common examples of their bullying: [...]
October 20th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I am a contractor for the federal government. I have only been working there a few months. My new “supervisor” has taken it upon herself to publicly embarrass me, beat me down daily, take me off my current duties and assigns me menial tasks, among other things. She has created such a hostile environment that I can’t even talk to her without getting in some sort of a disagreement. I don’t fight back, I am a new employee, I haven’t proven myself yet. I freeze when confronted by her and don’t even have the chance to respond. She is plotting against me, trying to make me quit or just likes making me miserable. I cry every single day. Today she embarrassed me again publicly and I was so upset I had to leave. I have talked to supervisors and others and that really hasn’t gotten me anywhere. She’s known for this behavior and they won’t do anything about it. They are probably scared of her too. I don’t know what to do. I can’t quit, this is the first steady job I’ve had in 2 years. I apply for new jobs daily with no luck. I feel I may be fired here shortly or walk out of there. Please help me deal with this.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Hi Jamie,
I’ll be very straightforward.
It sounds like you’re waiting until you’ve proven yourself – maybe to stand up then or maybe expecting that you’ll be treated better. I doubt it. But you do need the job, so hang it.
Not doing anything about such bullies is typical of many departments in the Federal government.
See if there is anyone higher up that can be a mentor and advocate for you. They probably won’t be able to stop the bully’s behavior but they may be able to champion your good character, advise you and help you transfer.
Document … even get a good digital recorder to wear. Find a lawyer knowledgeable about federal regulations.
Always stand up internally. Know that you’re okay and bullies are predators. It’s not your fault. Bide your time. Endure.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 17th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Thank you for the article. Where I currently work, it is a small company. The daughter is taking over the business, but her father still works there full-time. Her father is the previous owner of the business and a bully. I’ve addressed his comments, tone of voice and gossiping to him directly and to his daughter, the now owner. She states that the matters are being addressed, but nothing happens.
I’ve started to keep a journal of incidents. I don’t write in it every time a situation occurs, just sometimes and I only started it a month ago. I keep copies of notes that are written and document conversations.
I’m afraid of even working at work for the possibility of making a mistake (and often a mistake isn’t even made and he makes up the situation to make it look like I made a mistake.) What can I do next that won’t cost me an arm and a leg?
I’ve been searching for other employment, but to no avail when the jobs in my town are limited. Help!!!
November 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Hi Bobbi,
Tough situation,
Typically the daughter won’t do anything to rein in her father as long as he’s there. Only after he leaves physically might she change the tone of the company.
“Addressed” may mean she’s thought about it or mentioned it, but probably not given him an ultimatum.
Keep up documenting (everything) but don’t keep your journal at work, get other people to document also. Make a business case to her. Not about your hurt feelings. Make it about loss of productivity.
Since there sounds like more potential employees than jobs in your town, they may not care about turnover.
Hang in and keep looking for another job. Get a lawyer. Get a coach to plan tactics.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 9th, 2009 at 4:04 am
If anyone thinks they have a bad boss, younger than they, and with much less work experience, then I have to challenge anyone to top this former manager at my company.
Caution, this former manager’s My Space page contains obscenities:
http://www.myspace.com/bigchiefbonah69
I work at a medium sized research company and have become very discouraged to the point that I’ve pretty much given up, not only on my job, but on my career. I can’t relocate due to family obligations, that and I don’t want to let someone force me to make that choice.
For years middle management has made poor financial decisions and engaged in bullying behavior which finally bit them in the behind when the economic crisis hit last year.
The company made money hand over fist and as long as they did employee satisfaction was at the bottom of the list. The company routinely terminated around 40% of its staff until this year and yet they kept highly under-qualified personnel in management positions (amazingly this year managers have found they can work with who they have and terminations have dropped significantly, although layoffs abound).
I posted a link to a former manager’s My Space page above. The manager worked at the company for 11 years and received 3 promotions before he finally did something so terrible (I don’t know what) that it was impossible to overlook. The manager was also related to an upper manager who had protected him for years. The manager lost his protection when the company was split into two entities and they were separated. If the manager had still reported to his relative I believe he would still work there.
If the manager above is the company’s idea of management material what hope is there for the rest of us? I don’t know if it’s correct but I’ve sometimes used the company’s retention of poor employee’s to defend my job and justify promotion for myself. All’s fair in love and war I guess.
I love my job too and it’s extremely stressful to worry about termination every day when others are protected against just about anything they do wrong.
Although I have been able to keep my job others have not. The revolving door of good people also makes my job more difficult when I have to depend on the maturity and professionalism of adults, that act like 8 year old boys, to manage projects.
I’m working on backup employment just in case but it just feels like I’m contributing to a lost cause and the backup plan could soon become the main plan.
December 12th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Hi Rick,
You’re in a tough one. We should start a contest – worse situations in 2009.
But, at least, you should know that you’re in good company – there are lots of people in the same kind of situation. Bad and uncaring bosses, rotten culture, managers protecting each other.
It won’t get better. It’ll get worse: whether the economy stays down (as I suspect) or if it starts recovering this year. You need a smoking gun!
I think that there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change things and still work for them. But I consult other experts like:
1. You might check out the Undercover Lawyer and see what he recommends. http://www.undercoverlawyer.com/
2. eBossWatch. http://www.ebosswatch.com/, asher@ebosswatch.com, Asher Adelman
I’d suggest you really start looking for a better company in your area, since you don’t want to relocate. And keep doing what it takes to get promoted.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 25th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Hi:
i have been researching being bullied because i think there might be a similar situation going on in my job site. I recently started and have not met the probation period but since the day i began a co worker on my same level has critizied and monitored my performance many times, i am not sure if the problem is related to us having the same position but having studied diffrent fields. I am not sure but she seems intimidated by my actions and if there is a slight mistake i make (keep in mind i have recently been employed) she pints it out and brings it out of proportion, constantly bringing it up long after it is not relevant in front of superiors or even other co workers. She constantly behaves as she is management position because she has been there ‘longer’ than others, but this is only a month or two diffrence. I don’t and can’t loosr this job over loosing my patience with her, but i can’t and will not deal with it any longer.. please, i hope your web site still is active and you can sugest something more than ‘tell the boss’ or ‘calculate what she costs over what i cost within the organization’.
ps. the boss seems to like her because she is the kissing up type, but this is only a brief perception of mine, the boss also seems pretty fair.
Thank you
February 26th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Hello, I also have been a victim of being harassed & bullied @ work.I am the only female in my dept. of 12 employees.My boss had been harassing me from the first week that he came to work for us.Iv’e been a good employee for 10 yrs.until 1 day I stood up to him & challenged him.I reported him for harassement in the workplace and he retaliated by overreacting for any petty mistake I did.He prevented me from getting a promotion & gave it to a male employee with a 1yr.& 1/2 over my tenor.I still continue to report incidents of his demeanor & approach and pray some day someone in authority will dismiss him.He’s only been with the co. for 1 yr.1/2 & I can’t believe the things he gets away with.Is it okay for him to put remarks in my file that are damaging to me, without my knowledge? Should I seek help from an attorney because he still continues to harrass me 7 my employer knows but is in denial? Your help is greatly appreciated.
February 27th, 2010 at 7:53 am
Hi “Bullied in a non profit,”
That sounds like behavior that’s all too common in every workplace, especially non profits, public service organizations and government offices.
Someone tries to claim all the turf; she takes charge, looks over people’s shoulders, goes behind their backs and stabs them; especially when it’s not her appropriate, assigned role. And, of course, she has good reasons, excuses and justifications.
Since you two haven’t worked out a good working relationship, probably if you talk to her alone, she’ll retaliate immediately to your boss behind your back. So it may be better for you to meet with her and the boss together. That way you’re giving the boss a chance.
Beware. One of the common tactics of bullies is to change the subject from your complaint about her behavior into a new subject; that the important problem is that you didn’t complain in the correct way. Keep the focus on her actions.
You’ll find a more detailed listing and discussion of common bullying tactics in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Also, encourage the boss to listen to “How to Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes.” Especially if he’s a conflict-avoidant manager or a manager who plays favorites.
You may also be stuck. Individualized coaching is critical in order to designs tactics to fit your specific situation – the people and the company culture.
Good luck,
Ben
March 1st, 2010 at 11:40 am
Hi Juanie,
I think you need a good lawyer ASAP. Do not use the company lawyer.
I think you’re being set up to be terminated with cause. Even if the charges against you are false, they’ll make it look legal.
Act as if you’re in a war and fight to win.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 27th, 2010 at 9:08 pm
I work for the State and have been for almost 3 years. Lately, within the last six months, my supervisor has decided that I am a “problem” and is activly trying to get me fired. I have recently received a Letter of Instruction due to her perception that I am incompetent.
I go into work cringing at the thought of being there. My confidence is at a low, and I am constantly tense. Thank God for a fellow employee who understands and is also a supervisor that is counseling me on what to do and what not to do in my situation. She has been very helpful.
Also, I have learned to my detriment that you cannot trust anyone at work. In this economy, it is dog eat dog! The plan my supervisor has is that if she can get rid of me, she can step down into my position as her position will be eliminated within the next six months due to a merger of agencies.
I hate that I have to document and catch everything she says to me in writing in order to protect myself. I used to like my job, now I cannot wait to get out of there and am putting in for positions within the State in order to transfer out. The part that scares me is that she has a history of “getting rid” of employees she has supervised. The last one had worked for the agency for 8 years and she managed to get her fired! And what is worse is that she is proud of her “accomplishments”!!
December 29th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Hi Laurie,
Unfortunately, your problem is common. And I’ll be straightforward and truthful.
Get your own lawyer immediately. I like “the Undercover Lawyer,” but you may want a local one who specializes in problems with the state. You’ll learn to document a case against the supervisor – on your home computer. Especially with her record and pride in her accomplishments. Don’t tell the supervisor or your fellow employee.
There’s a relevant case study in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Also, the big internal change you need make is to stop hating the world the way it is and has always been. It’s always been dog-eat-dog in many places and many times. That’s just the way the world is. Learn to read the signs of predators (jackals and vultures) and what you have to do in order to survive.
If you hate surviving, you won’t. Imagine living in a cabin in the middle of the woods 200 years ago. Or living through what your ancestors lived through in every generation since people began.
Get an expert coach to help you develop strength, courage, endurance and resilience. If you can’t develop those qualities, then you shouldn’t be working in the real world.
Seriously. I know that may sound harsh, but that the realities for every species on earth…and has always been.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 5th, 2011 at 9:38 am
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November 9th, 2011 at 10:24 pm
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November 13th, 2011 at 9:08 am
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November 16th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
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January 17th, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Just reading the behavior described above makes me feel a little more sane. I am so grateful for that. The worst part of my co-worker’s campaign of mental abuse is the way he has everybody convinced that he he has done/does nothing wrong.
He doesn’t coordinate with me or communicate with me, then calls attention to the mistakes that I make based on his misinformation. He tells people that he’s never heard things that I’ve talked to him about. He throws papers and projects out, then feigns ignorance. He ignores notes and orders for customers written in my hand, then immediately helps the customer himself when asked personally, making me look as though I never took the order. When nobody is around, he ignores me completely, even leaving without letting me know. Always though, he acts as though any questions I might have are such a bother and evidence of my incompetence. He makes changes to my instructions and/or orders when not necessary, but when an actual problem arises while I am gone, he claims to anybody present that he doesn’t have the authority to make any changes. Incredibly, even though people have witnessed him oscillating between these two opposite attitudes, they BELIEVE him!
I look spiteful and people have suggested that I have an agenda. I actually look like the Drama Queen abuser due to his manipulations! This man and I used to be friends at work. I have never figured out why he started hating me. The only thing that seems connected is that I got a raise and some new responsibilities, both paltry, at around the same time that I noticed his shift in attitude. He insisted on getting a raise of his own and currently makes more than me despite having the same amount of responsibility. So why is he still trashing me?
I don’t know how to stay positive while navigating the his minefield. How can I point out his lies when I am supposed to be impressing customers. Every time I tell somebody about his behavior, their opinion of me and the store suffer as a result. Apart from looking for another job, which I am, what can I do?
January 20th, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Hi Sara,
Very tough situation and unfortunately all too common.
You’re facing a covert bully – a stealthy, sneaky, manipulative, smiling, backstabber.
He hates you and he’s out to get you. Stop trying to understand why. That won’t help and will lock you into trying to be nice enough to change him. So far you’ve been on the defensive saying “I’m good and honest so you should believe me.”
He’s a predator, a jackal. They don’t stop until they’re stopped. They go after the weak, wounded and isolated.
Glad you’re looking for another job but what will you decide to do about him?
Will you go to war? When you go to war you need an effective strategy; you need to gain the tactical advantage. Who are your allies? Can you keep good enough records to trap him, to publicly show he’s lying? Can you find a smoking gun?
I recommend going to war for the practice. You’ll learn how to develop and use your will, determination, perseverance, tenacity and resilience. And ferocity! (Is that too aggressive?)
Win or lose, you’ll get great experience that will help you in your next position. There are bullies everywhere.
Each situation is different so if you go to war, you need an expert coach. Call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543)
Best wishes,
Ben
January 25th, 2012 at 9:44 pm
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