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Abusive, Manipulative Husbands Who Control Their Wives
By Ben | March 12, 2009
Reports of abusive husbands, who beat and even kill their wives, gather lots of publicity and create huge outcries, as they should. For example, there are two recent reports from Buffalo, New York and Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. I hope these guys and any others who do such heinous things to other people, including wives, get put away forever.
But there’s an even more prevalent bullying strategy that husbands use to control wives, that tends to get overlooked because it’s not as violent.
These are husbands who abuse and control their wives by sneaky, covert, manipulative tactics that demean the women and keep them subservient. I call these controlling husbands, “stealth bullies.”
Even though overt, physical, domestic violence isn’t involved in these cases, women need name the emotional abuse and violence, harassment and domination as “bullying” in order to rally their spirits, strengthen their backbones and get the help they need to stop the abuse or to get away.
Of course, the sooner women recognize and label what’s going on (especially before they have children); the easier they’ll be able to get away.
Here are some of the warning signs of stealthy, controlling husbands.
- They control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on. They may say that they work hard and make the money, so they should have control of it.
- Their make the rules – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no.” They’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive. Your concerns generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important, so they can ignore your wishes.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. You’re told that if you were perfect, you’d be treated better. They blow up over minor things or if you resist in any way. You’re to blame if they hurt you. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings, whining and threats to commit suicide.
- They argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. You walk on eggshells; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.
- You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. They stimulate your self-questioning and self-doubt.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work.
- You’re told that a woman’s place is to be treated like they treat you. You should accept whatever they dish out. They often get their friends and even your family of origin to agree with them. You have to tolerate their behavior until you can convince them to change.
Of course, the same type of list applies to abusive, controlling, stealth-bullying wives, partners, coworkers, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends, teenagers and friends.
Many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label these bullies’ tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness, their sympathetic therapy) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.
Of course it’s usually not easy to stop the behavior or to get away. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Tactics must be designed for each situation. Factors such as money, children, outside support, age, health, threatened increase in abuse to physical brutality and murder, and family of origin and cultural values can be extremely important in designing effective tactics.
But the first step is always for women to make an internal shift from acceptance or tolerance (even though you may hate them) to a commitment and determination to end the abuse and bullying, no matter what it takes. Without that inner commitment, women usually end up begging the husband to change and waiting forever. The inner commitment is necessary to give strength and power to the right tactics in your hands.
You’ll find many examples of stealth bullies in my books and CDs “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.” You’ll also learn practical, real-world tactics to stop these bullies or to get away safely.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book |
December 20th, 2009 at 8:56 am
1st problem was at the Hops & Barley during early courtship.
I was accused of earlier arrival. My car was inspected for hood heat and dryness under car as it was raining. A confrontation ensued with other patrons of the restaurant with who Ben thought I was in some way flirtatious with. Just not my style, but anyway …
Shortly after our return from honeymoon, Ben started with financial problems which I took on without question putting myself under financial strain. Bearing in mind that I had just relocated from Johannesburg and my business was a mere 6 months old.
When I was invited to move in and marry I was informed that the house was mine to do with as I wished. The first item I purchased was a lounge suite as there was none. I went onto to furnish the lounge with a large flat screen TV primarily for rugby viewing. This resulted in replacing Ben’s TV cabinet as it was not designed for a large TV. It was not long after that the problems ensued primarily due to my enhancing the home. I also replaced the bedroom suite as his was old and also shared with his former wife. Later he admitted that he was jealous but since forgotten that admission and to this day I have never heard the end of it. I love beautiful things and I thought I would be judged favourably but he just broke down everything I tried to do for the home.
Things just went from bad to worse thereon, and I think the problem manifested itself when Ben threatened suicide and waved a firearm in the lounge and discharged a shot outside from where he was sitting in the lounge. He left shortly after that in a clients’ car threatening suicide leaving me at home not knowing what to do and not accepting my calls. This was around April 2007 ( we married Dec 2006). To this day, I think I might have made a mistake but at the time I just did not know what to do so I called the police in. I wanted them to find him, but because he was armed they took it as a serious matter and the saga ended up hours later after Ben who was initially depressed due to his ex-wife having purchased his son a 2nd cellphone to the one he provided and then after a phone call and from confirmation from me discovered that his ex-wife and his son Mitchell visited another son of Bennie’s (Vernon) who Bennie was at the time not on good terms with at the time. This just seemed to have driven him over the edge. It ended with his son Mitchell and ex-wife arriving and somehow things turned rather sour where I became the victim after Ben publicly humiliated by screaming at how much me hates me etc. Anyway he left with his ex-wife and son and returned awhile later. I also discovered that he was communicating with an ex-girlfriend which felt like a double betrayal to me. He also forbade his 14 year old son to acknowledge me and this was quite hard living under the same roof where one is to be ignored.
In any event, I started tiring of always having to bear the financial responsibilities and I said I could not pay the rent. Well that was the last month we stayed at the house. From there we moved into the flat we currently reside in Durban North with all bills placed in my name and things were just as bad as it was at the Umhlanga residence. So much has happened that I even forget, but one of the things I remember, we had 3 pumice stones in the bathroom and as I am a home-fiddler, always striving to perfect the home from a décor point of view, I moved his pumice stone to the guest bathroom unaware of the ramifications of my actions. The end result, an ornament I had recently purchased was thrown at the mirrors in the lounge which shattered. Although my insurance company replaced the damage at R2,300 or thereabout, Ben left the home and this was just 1 out of 7 times he vacated the household in 8 months each time after a minor incidence. I also remember another instance when he had left and refused to return my keys and had no further rights to the household, he arrived late one evening after I had already gone to bed – he ripped the bedding and my pj’s off leaving me naked – no doubt in an attempt to humiliate me.
In May this year, I agreed to our re-trying under certain conditions which he adhered to for exactly 4 months and then things went sour again compounded by my 18 year old son who returned to live with us to complete his studies after emmigrating to Italy when he was just 12 years old. Since then he has picked on my son for unmade beds, messy bathroom toilets etc.
But what got me to write today, (and I have left so much out) was due to my sadness at the death of my precious Siamese cat which plunged 6 floors to his death due to Ben leaving the window open.
I have often felt like a verbal punch-bag but having a strong personality, I tried my best to avoid confrontations by becoming quiet but despite my strength, I have found that my hair is thinning … no doubt due to stress and I really just can’t function in my work and my business has suffered so badly. This got me researching the web and it confirmed my thoughts … I am a victim of verbal abuse. It saddens me a great deal but I now realize what a fool I have been in accepting him back in May this year. My husband is a control freak (in other words – he is a bully) and an abuser.
I feel numb and I know I can never enjoy an intimate relationship with Ben again not that I need worry as he mostly sleeps in the lounge anyway.
But - where to from here. I have to pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son and to provide him with all the support he needs.
If I do not speak up and expose this situation, the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse so I am going to take a pro-active stance in this situation and will call for help wherever it can be obtained.
December 26th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hi Veronica,
I’ll be straightforward.
The problem was there during early courtship. If he’s that way when he’s trying to impress you, how do you think he’ll be when the honeymoon is over?
Your mistake was not in calling the police. Your mistake was in not making sure he was sent to prison or in not getting away from him permanently.
He’s blackmailing you emotionally in typical ways - if you stop being the whipping girl, either he’ll kill you, kill someone or something you love or kill himself. If you stay, where do you think it will lead?
I’d say that you don’t have a strong personality bevcause you haven’t ended it. You might have a loud and argumentative personality, but a strong personality would have left long ago. You know what to do: “pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son” BUT DO NOT provide him with all the support he needs. It’s not good for anyone to get all the support he or she wants.
Be pro-active by carrying out your plan and getting away. Only consequences matter; not avoiding or going quiet. You don’t need a confrontation. Don’t try to prove anything to him. Get away before you need police help.
You might see the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
March 15th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
I was married to an abusive manipulating control freak for 19 years. I finally got up the nerve to leave for my 17 year old daughters sake. But this was too late. My daughter started to hit and swear at me at the end of my marriage and callls me horrible names. I’ve been divorced since September , my daughter decided to live with her father and now refuses any contact with me at all. I am crushed. My ex now uses his “power over my daughter to still abuse and control me. I thought things would be better once I walked out but there still living hell. My daughter will be 18 in June and legally I’ll have no rights. I asked her to go to therapy with me but she refuses! Help!
March 19th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Hi Kathy,
I’m so sorry. I know that hurts so much … and happens a lot with 17 year-olds.
At this point, she’s making up her own mind and you’re stuck. You have the most difficult task there is: making your own life wonderful now and in the future despite missing your daughter and waiting and hoping that she’ll see better and wiser.
The better you make your life, the better the chance of her getting it.
Don’t push on her anymore. Don’t be her therapist or teacher; let the outside world do that. You can lead her to water but you can’t make her drink.
Don’t talk with your ex. Don’t get caught in the middle. Don’t listen to her when she complains about living with him and tries to get you in the middle. Don’t let her bounce back and forth between houses if she tries.
I know that’s a lot of “don’ts.” Do start having fun. Do keep a distance until she’s older. If she wants to know why (even though she’ll make up reasons about how bad you are), tell her that she’s too young to understand, but what you want now is a relationship between two adults who have a good time together and don’t wallow in emotional melodrama.
I know that’s really hard. I was always impressed by the biographies and stories about people who were separated from their families (by distance, death or divorce) and made great second lives. That’s the only way I saw the lost people having a chance to wise up and return. Some did and some didn’t.
You’ll need friends for support and also a great coach. It’s a bumpy roller-coaster ride.
The burden is on your daughter to wise up, not on you to control or cajole or teach her.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 30th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
well i have a question i’m traped i have no friends at all or family to help me in my situation and my life is falling apart . i have a very emotional abusive husband and his family always getss involed in my life and i feel like always i being watch or evesdropped on and my huband acts like nothing going on . she loves to blame for for everything in life and and his family loves to also insult and humliate me when i am forced to be around them i cant take it any longer and he threatens me of course i will owe him child support because i will oose everything he a has a seuriose case of dr.jekel and mister hid . i want to work but i have to find soething that will suit him and he wont do the child care . or anything he just uses me like a door mat i am also sometime force to watch his abusive grandmother who ikes to spit dig her nails and bit me .. she acts like nothing going on but she also like to moke me in her native lauguage with insults with his aunt and family . well i am trapped i dont have a dime to my name and i have no one at all to count on . well give me what you can to help me in my situation . i really am stuck
April 1st, 2010 at 8:29 pm
Hi Bridget,
Wow. This will kill your spirit if you stay.
Either:
1. Make a stepwise plan to get enough money to get away – even if it takes a year. Don’t listen to them. Don’t please them. Don’t argue with them. Get money. Get away.
2. Or find a local group that helps abused wives get away with their children and get started again. And go there immediately. They’ll help you get work so you can stay away, get a lawyer, get a divorce
You need to protect and save your children.
Good luck,
Ben
April 11th, 2010 at 10:16 am
There were no signs prior to our marriages and my husband is nothing like the things I’ve read here, but he is quite controlling. He wants everything done his way from how I hang my towel to doing the dishes, etc. Most of the time, he just does it himself, but not without deep sighs and a miserable attitude. He often comments about how tired he is of all the things he has to do all the time, but he won’t let me help. I’m expected to come home every night after work. I’ve been talking about going scrapbooking after work one night a week and he says “don’t you want to spend time with your family”. I feel so guilty that I never go. I haven’t scrapbooked since my son was born over two years ago. Today, I realized that I lost my wallet yesterday. I found it at a local restaruant and my husband insisted on going to pick it up. I was afraid to tell him that it was lost. I knew he would be upset. He said, “We’ve talked about this. We’ve gone over this over and over.” Like somehow by telling me not to lose my wallet, it would make me learn. Yesterday at the grocery store, I forgot to buy the cheese and remembered when we were loading up the car. He insisted on running in to get it and called me “fucking retared”. I freak out when he does these things, because I know it’s verbally abusive, and I won’t have him speaking like that to me, but it doesn’t stop. I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong to be here now.
April 12th, 2010 at 4:52 am
Hi Lilstuf
The way you’ve described it, you husband thinks you’re stupid and he’s a martyr who has to do all the work or you’d ruin his-your life.
You get to decide if you’re so helpless and hopeless that you couldn’t make it without his taking care of you and putting up with you. Are you really “Lilstuf?”
If you don’t thing that’s accurate, you have to do something before you start believing it and you haven’t a shred of self-esteem left.
What you’ve done wrong is that you missed the signs before you married him and now there are no consequences for him if he continues. Freaking out is not a consequence; to him, it’s a minor irritation and proves that you’re immature and out of control.
My experience with people like him is that you’ll never prove to his satisfaction that you’re perfect or worthy of his respect and that he should change his opinion. You’ll never be perfect … enough. He wants you to keep trying to prove it. Secretly, he wants you to be dependent on him. The debate or argument will go on forever.
Is he perfect?
You’ll have to get help designing a plan you’re comfortable with to have consequences for his verbal and emotional abuse. If you don’t, you’ll be training your son to treat you and his someday-wife the same way.
In “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” Brandi had to stop a boyfriend who thought she wasn’t good enough for him.
Why would you want to stay with a person who thinks you’re retarded?
Best wishes,
Ben
May 19th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I hate to admit it, but this is my 4th marriage. At 53, I’m stupid or a slow learner. As Albert Einstein has said, “Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results is insanity”. I was with this man, I’ll call Paul, from ‘03 to ‘07. We were apart from fall of ‘07 to fall of ‘08. We married in Jan. ‘09. A whim I soon came to regret. He was very romantic and touchy-feelly those first few weeks of our relationship, but complacency soon became the norm. I was made to feel like this was “normal” and should have expected it. He had lived with me in my house beginning in spring of ‘04. We primarily argued about sex. I wanted more, he was satisfied with once every 7-10 days, and he’s 8 years my junior! But, the person who wants the least amount of intimacy sets the pace and tone for the relationship. It made me feel fat, ugly and undesirable. I used a vibrator to fill in the gaps and cover my disappointment and frustration. He seemed fine with it and didn’t care. After I started into perimenopause, he showed no concern for me with my unpredictable hot flashes. I was not allowed to have the ceiling fan on low, or the window cracked in my own house. I slept on the sofa in the living room and reviewed our relationship over those 4-1/2 years and made a decision to try out another part of the country since my daughter was grown and on her own. He tried to coerce and badger me into not going. In my epiphany, I came to realize that this was HIS life and I was just an accessory. As long as we were doing things that interested him, we got along fine. He refused to do things that interested me, wouldn’t socialize with my friends from work, and I was always alone at my family’s events because he didn’t want to waste his time on the weekend visiting my family. He made a lot of business and personal decisions without my input, but felt like it was none of my concern since we weren’t married, yet. (He had given me a ring at Christmas of ‘04, but we never discussed the “M” word). Needless to say, I gave the ring back before departing. He agreed to rent my house from me for a nominal amount while I tried out WA state. It was my test to see how important I really was in his life. After 7 months he told me he had no intention of moving to be with me, as I knew he wouldn’t. We mutually agreed to go our separate ways. I put my house on the market. Not long after, I started a new relationship that was the product of an online dating service. We were very compatible creatively, but not financially. Then Paul reenters my life in fall of ‘08 with promises that he was a changed man. He sent some very eloquent email and phone calls promising me our life would be different. He had a house built in my absense. He was sending me photos and telling me how beautiful it was, and it was just waiting for me to make it my own. I was slow to trust him, but I guess I hadn’t fully gotten over him. I was stupid to believe him, and I hurt the person I was involved with at the time. After we got married and I moved in with him into HIS house, it was not at all as promised. I wasn’t allowed to hang but only a few of my family pictures, I was badgered into giving away personal items and furniture because he didn’t want it in the house. I’m required to squeezy down the tub after showering, then dry it with a towel. I’m not allowed to mow by the house because I might dent the siding. I can’t hang my flower baskets up outside because he doesn’t want holes in the siding on the pillars on the patio. There are no changes in landscaping without his approval or input. I’m an avid gardener. My old plot was 20 x 35′, now I’m only allowed an 8×10′ section. He constantly chases me around the kitchen with spray cleaner making me feel like my cleaning is in adequate. He bought a new truck while I was away one weekend. I’ve never driven it. He promised me I could park my car in the garage. His boat is in the garage, and my car is, once again, relegated to the street, just as it was at MY house. during the winter I have to scrape ice and shovel snow while his truck is warm and clear in the garage. Sex now is currently down to once every 3 weeks and declining. I’m menopausal now and have some gynecological issues that require surgery, which now I’m told I have to save up the money for the deductible and copay. Roughly $2200. This gynecological issue makes sex painful, which he doesn’t understand, nor wants to. He’s only interested in his personal needs. I have accommodated him because of the guilt, but pay for it afterward with bleeding and pain. The only reason I stay is because my daughter and grandkids are close by, but I’m made to feel guilty if I want to spend time, if only a few hours on the weekend, with my daughter. My daughter works Mon-Fri, so there is no other time to see her because she has a family to take care of after work.
I’m too old to start over. I’ve made my bed, and I’ll sleep in it for the sake of my daughter’s family. I have posted this as a warning to other women who may be involved with a manipulative control freak. Never for one minute should you believe that the Leopard has changed his spots. Once an abuser, always an abuser. I believe he gets his values from his “sick”, unloving relationship he had with his parents growing up. His Dad was physically and mentally abusive, and his Mother is subserviant to his Father. I guess he grew up thinking that’s how a marriage should be. So ladies, take a good looks at his parent’s relationship before signing on. It will save you a lot of time, anguish and guilt. You would think I’d have learned. My Father was an alcoholic and verbally abused my Mother, to which he had no recollection the next day. I always vowed I would never end up in a loveless, abusive relationship, and that’s exactly what I did. I have a habit of picking the wrong men. I know I will soon have to deal with this with the help of a counselor so I can find some peace in my life.
May 26th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Hi Linda,
Wow, there’s a lot.
Great epiphany. I’m guessing that the problem starts at the beginning of the relationship when you give up your own desires and interests just to please him. Then he expects you to be an accessory and (verbally?) beats you down when you don’t want to do things his way.
I read “not allowed,” “badgered” and “required” into a lot. You don’t act fast enough to get away when someone tries to control you. Or you don’t just do what you want/need no matter what he thinks.
Read the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Better would be coaching to help you develop the will, strength, courage and perseverance. You don’t want to keep repeating this pattern the next 40 years do you? It’ll only get worse as you get older. There are other ways to be close to your family without hurting your spirit anymore.
It’s your island; how come you don’t vote them off sooner?
I help a lot of people by phone. Call me at 303-458-6616. Right now, you’re setting an example for your daughter and grandchildren to be just like your mother.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 13th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
My daughter is married to a narcissist. He has managed to separate her from her entire family. He would love to separate her from her friends too. He even has her convinced that everyone else is crazy. I have not spoken to her in 2 years. She said he always treats her better when we are not around. He is verbally abusive to her and his daughter. He treats his son like a prince. She has always paid for everything and took care of everything. Yet she is convinced she cannot live without him. I have heard that she is having another baby in September. A year ago I had heard from a friend that saw her at a bank. She said she had gained a lot of weight. I am sure this is how he keeps her tied down. In the past when she has had enough. She leaves him. She starts feeling good about herself and the light in her eyes returns. Then he cries or suggests that he is suicidal(I WISH). Soon the “Stepford Wife” glaze over her eyes returns and you probably know the rest. How can I help her if She won’t even talk to me. If you have any suggestions I am all eyes and ears. I worry about my Grand daughter the most. We were very close when they ripped her from my life. They have told the kids that I want nothing to do with them.
June 18th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Hi Rita,
I’m so sorry. You’re in the worst situation because there’s nothing you can do that’ll be effective until your daughter wants you to help her.
All you can do is wait and pray. Someday, when she comes to you, hold back your hurt and anger and try to help her be strong.
She needs lots of help to find her inner self again. But until she wants helped, you’re stuck.
At the end, you say, “They.” Are they holding her against her will? Is there something you can get the police involved in? I doubt it from the rest of the comment. Unless you have good evidence for kidnapping, if you try to intervene, you’ll only drive her closer to him.
I’m so sorry.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 1st, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I am not even sure this is where I need to ask for help. I don’t really understand what is going on with me. My husband can be a wonderful man, but he blows up at the smallest thing, usually centered around my family.
For example, the other day, he called on his way home from work. I didn’t hear my cell phone ring, and apparently he had already called my home. I was at my mother’s, and he knew that. He called her cell phone, then her home, and no one answered. (We had a house full of people, some leaving, and it was loud.) When I checked my phone and saw I had missed his call, I called him back. He immediately started yelling about us ignoring his calls, and how rude we all are, and how dare we attitude. He was pissed the whole evening. By the way, the only thing he wanted was to say he was leaving work to come home. He does this everyday.
He also calls 4-5 times a day just to check up on me and the kids, to see what I have accomplished. If I don’t get enough work done, at least to his standards, he has a fit when he gets home. I am working from home for the summer, so he thinks I have time to do whatever he wants and he doesn’t have to lift a finger. If I take the kids somewhere and he thinks I should have cleaned the kitchen, he will start yelling. “It is your choice to take them to all these stupid places. Why don’t you just stay home and make them clean up the house?” I have different priorities- fun for the kids, the yard and my job. The house is just not on my top 3 list. (And yes, I mow the lawn, too. I am home doing nothing after all, right? I am just sick and tired of all the yelling.
Then he also asks me the same question over and over, getting mad if I get annoyed. For example, I said today that my sister in law was being crabby lately. He asked me what I meant, so I said I couldn’t really put my finger on anything specific, but she was just crabby. He asked me what she was doing. I got a little annoyed, and then he asked me what she had done to make me say that about her. When I told him there was no reason to keep asking except that he must not believe me, he said I had a sad life since I thought he was calling me a liar.
I really don’t know what to do. Please give me some advice.
July 9th, 2010 at 7:24 am
Hi Margie,
It sounds like you two have lost the good will that brought you together. You’re now making war on each other.
Stop trying to get him to admit he’s wrong and bad. You can both justify how you act. But excuses don’t matter; solutions do.
Unless you two get help, you two will drive a wedge further and further between each other.
I help people stay committed to their strongest and best spirits, and to create specific plans to get bullies off their islands. But you may want someone local and face-to-face. Get help before it’s too late.
Best wishes,
Ben