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Abusive, Manipulative Husbands Who Control Their Wives
By Ben | March 12, 2009
Reports of abusive husbands, who beat and even kill their wives, gather lots of publicity and create huge outcries, as they should. For example, there are two recent reports from Buffalo, New York and Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. I hope these guys and any others who do such heinous things to other people, including wives, get put away forever.
But there’s an even more prevalent bullying strategy that husbands use to control wives, that tends to get overlooked because it’s not as violent.
These are husbands who abuse and control their wives by sneaky, covert, manipulative tactics that demean the women and keep them subservient. I call these controlling husbands, “stealth bullies.”
Even though overt, physical, domestic violence isn’t involved in these cases, women need name the emotional abuse and violence, harassment and domination as “bullying” in order to rally their spirits, strengthen their backbones and get the help they need to stop the abuse or to get away.
Of course, the sooner women recognize and label what’s going on (especially before they have children); the easier they’ll be able to get away.
Here are some of the warning signs of stealthy, controlling husbands.
- They control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on. They may say that they work hard and make the money, so they should have control of it.
- Their make the rules – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no.” They’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive. Your concerns generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important, so they can ignore your wishes.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. You’re told that if you were perfect, you’d be treated better. They blow up over minor things or if you resist in any way. You’re to blame if they hurt you. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings, whining and threats to commit suicide.
- They argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. You walk on eggshells; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.
- You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. They stimulate your self-questioning and self-doubt.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work.
- You’re told that a woman’s place is to be treated like they treat you. You should accept whatever they dish out. They often get their friends and even your family of origin to agree with them. You have to tolerate their behavior until you can convince them to change.
Of course, the same type of list applies to abusive, controlling, stealth-bullying wives, partners, coworkers, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends, teenagers and friends.
Many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label these bullies’ tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness, their sympathetic therapy) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.
Of course it’s usually not easy to stop the behavior or to get away. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Tactics must be designed for each situation. Factors such as money, children, outside support, age, health, threatened increase in abuse to physical brutality and murder, and family of origin and cultural values can be extremely important in designing effective tactics.
But the first step is always for women to make an internal shift from acceptance or tolerance (even though you may hate them) to a commitment and determination to end the abuse and bullying, no matter what it takes. Without that inner commitment, women usually end up begging the husband to change and waiting forever. The inner commitment is necessary to give strength and power to the right tactics in your hands.
You’ll find many examples of stealth bullies in my books and CDs “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.” You’ll also learn practical, real-world tactics to stop these bullies or to get away safely.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book |
December 20th, 2009 at 8:56 am
1st problem was at the Hops & Barley during early courtship.
I was accused of earlier arrival. My car was inspected for hood heat and dryness under car as it was raining. A confrontation ensued with other patrons of the restaurant with who Ben thought I was in some way flirtatious with. Just not my style, but anyway …
Shortly after our return from honeymoon, Ben started with financial problems which I took on without question putting myself under financial strain. Bearing in mind that I had just relocated from Johannesburg and my business was a mere 6 months old.
When I was invited to move in and marry I was informed that the house was mine to do with as I wished. The first item I purchased was a lounge suite as there was none. I went onto to furnish the lounge with a large flat screen TV primarily for rugby viewing. This resulted in replacing Ben’s TV cabinet as it was not designed for a large TV. It was not long after that the problems ensued primarily due to my enhancing the home. I also replaced the bedroom suite as his was old and also shared with his former wife. Later he admitted that he was jealous but since forgotten that admission and to this day I have never heard the end of it. I love beautiful things and I thought I would be judged favourably but he just broke down everything I tried to do for the home.
Things just went from bad to worse thereon, and I think the problem manifested itself when Ben threatened suicide and waved a firearm in the lounge and discharged a shot outside from where he was sitting in the lounge. He left shortly after that in a clients’ car threatening suicide leaving me at home not knowing what to do and not accepting my calls. This was around April 2007 ( we married Dec 2006). To this day, I think I might have made a mistake but at the time I just did not know what to do so I called the police in. I wanted them to find him, but because he was armed they took it as a serious matter and the saga ended up hours later after Ben who was initially depressed due to his ex-wife having purchased his son a 2nd cellphone to the one he provided and then after a phone call and from confirmation from me discovered that his ex-wife and his son Mitchell visited another son of Bennie’s (Vernon) who Bennie was at the time not on good terms with at the time. This just seemed to have driven him over the edge. It ended with his son Mitchell and ex-wife arriving and somehow things turned rather sour where I became the victim after Ben publicly humiliated by screaming at how much me hates me etc. Anyway he left with his ex-wife and son and returned awhile later. I also discovered that he was communicating with an ex-girlfriend which felt like a double betrayal to me. He also forbade his 14 year old son to acknowledge me and this was quite hard living under the same roof where one is to be ignored.
In any event, I started tiring of always having to bear the financial responsibilities and I said I could not pay the rent. Well that was the last month we stayed at the house. From there we moved into the flat we currently reside in Durban North with all bills placed in my name and things were just as bad as it was at the Umhlanga residence. So much has happened that I even forget, but one of the things I remember, we had 3 pumice stones in the bathroom and as I am a home-fiddler, always striving to perfect the home from a décor point of view, I moved his pumice stone to the guest bathroom unaware of the ramifications of my actions. The end result, an ornament I had recently purchased was thrown at the mirrors in the lounge which shattered. Although my insurance company replaced the damage at R2,300 or thereabout, Ben left the home and this was just 1 out of 7 times he vacated the household in 8 months each time after a minor incidence. I also remember another instance when he had left and refused to return my keys and had no further rights to the household, he arrived late one evening after I had already gone to bed – he ripped the bedding and my pj’s off leaving me naked – no doubt in an attempt to humiliate me.
In May this year, I agreed to our re-trying under certain conditions which he adhered to for exactly 4 months and then things went sour again compounded by my 18 year old son who returned to live with us to complete his studies after emmigrating to Italy when he was just 12 years old. Since then he has picked on my son for unmade beds, messy bathroom toilets etc.
But what got me to write today, (and I have left so much out) was due to my sadness at the death of my precious Siamese cat which plunged 6 floors to his death due to Ben leaving the window open.
I have often felt like a verbal punch-bag but having a strong personality, I tried my best to avoid confrontations by becoming quiet but despite my strength, I have found that my hair is thinning … no doubt due to stress and I really just can’t function in my work and my business has suffered so badly. This got me researching the web and it confirmed my thoughts … I am a victim of verbal abuse. It saddens me a great deal but I now realize what a fool I have been in accepting him back in May this year. My husband is a control freak (in other words – he is a bully) and an abuser.
I feel numb and I know I can never enjoy an intimate relationship with Ben again not that I need worry as he mostly sleeps in the lounge anyway.
But - where to from here. I have to pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son and to provide him with all the support he needs.
If I do not speak up and expose this situation, the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse so I am going to take a pro-active stance in this situation and will call for help wherever it can be obtained.
December 26th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hi Veronica,
I’ll be straightforward.
The problem was there during early courtship. If he’s that way when he’s trying to impress you, how do you think he’ll be when the honeymoon is over?
Your mistake was not in calling the police. Your mistake was in not making sure he was sent to prison or in not getting away from him permanently.
He’s blackmailing you emotionally in typical ways - if you stop being the whipping girl, either he’ll kill you, kill someone or something you love or kill himself. If you stay, where do you think it will lead?
I’d say that you don’t have a strong personality bevcause you haven’t ended it. You might have a loud and argumentative personality, but a strong personality would have left long ago. You know what to do: “pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son” BUT DO NOT provide him with all the support he needs. It’s not good for anyone to get all the support he or she wants.
Be pro-active by carrying out your plan and getting away. Only consequences matter; not avoiding or going quiet. You don’t need a confrontation. Don’t try to prove anything to him. Get away before you need police help.
You might see the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben