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Abusive, Manipulative Husbands Who Control Their Wives
By Ben | March 12, 2009
Reports of abusive husbands, who beat and even kill their wives, gather lots of publicity and create huge outcries, as they should. For example, there are two recent reports from Buffalo, New York and Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. I hope these guys and any others who do such heinous things to other people, including wives, get put away forever.
But there’s an even more prevalent bullying strategy that husbands use to control wives, that tends to get overlooked because it’s not as violent.
These are husbands who abuse and control their wives by sneaky, covert, manipulative tactics that demean the women and keep them subservient. I call these controlling husbands, “stealth bullies.”
Even though overt, physical, domestic violence isn’t involved in these cases, women need name the emotional abuse and violence, harassment and domination as “bullying” in order to rally their spirits, strengthen their backbones and get the help they need to stop the abuse or to get away.
Of course, the sooner women recognize and label what’s going on (especially before they have children); the easier they’ll be able to get away.
Here are some of the warning signs of stealthy, controlling husbands.
- They control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on. They may say that they work hard and make the money, so they should have control of it.
- Their make the rules – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no.” They’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive. Your concerns generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important, so they can ignore your wishes.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. You’re told that if you were perfect, you’d be treated better. They blow up over minor things or if you resist in any way. You’re to blame if they hurt you. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings, whining and threats to commit suicide.
- They argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. You walk on eggshells; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.
- You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. They stimulate your self-questioning and self-doubt.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work.
- You’re told that a woman’s place is to be treated like they treat you. You should accept whatever they dish out. They often get their friends and even your family of origin to agree with them. You have to tolerate their behavior until you can convince them to change.
Of course, the same type of list applies to abusive, controlling, stealth-bullying wives, partners, coworkers, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends, teenagers and friends.
Many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label these bullies’ tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness, their sympathetic therapy) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.
Of course it’s usually not easy to stop the behavior or to get away. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Tactics must be designed for each situation. Factors such as money, children, outside support, age, health, threatened increase in abuse to physical brutality and murder, and family of origin and cultural values can be extremely important in designing effective tactics.
But the first step is always for women to make an internal shift from acceptance or tolerance (even though you may hate them) to a commitment and determination to end the abuse and bullying, no matter what it takes. Without that inner commitment, women usually end up begging the husband to change and waiting forever. The inner commitment is necessary to give strength and power to the right tactics in your hands.
You’ll find many examples of stealth bullies in my books and CDs “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.” You’ll also learn practical, real-world tactics to stop these bullies or to get away safely.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book | 49 Comments »
December 20th, 2009 at 8:56 am
1st problem was at the Hops & Barley during early courtship.
I was accused of earlier arrival. My car was inspected for hood heat and dryness under car as it was raining. A confrontation ensued with other patrons of the restaurant with who Ben thought I was in some way flirtatious with. Just not my style, but anyway …
Shortly after our return from honeymoon, Ben started with financial problems which I took on without question putting myself under financial strain. Bearing in mind that I had just relocated from Johannesburg and my business was a mere 6 months old.
When I was invited to move in and marry I was informed that the house was mine to do with as I wished. The first item I purchased was a lounge suite as there was none. I went onto to furnish the lounge with a large flat screen TV primarily for rugby viewing. This resulted in replacing Ben’s TV cabinet as it was not designed for a large TV. It was not long after that the problems ensued primarily due to my enhancing the home. I also replaced the bedroom suite as his was old and also shared with his former wife. Later he admitted that he was jealous but since forgotten that admission and to this day I have never heard the end of it. I love beautiful things and I thought I would be judged favourably but he just broke down everything I tried to do for the home.
Things just went from bad to worse thereon, and I think the problem manifested itself when Ben threatened suicide and waved a firearm in the lounge and discharged a shot outside from where he was sitting in the lounge. He left shortly after that in a clients’ car threatening suicide leaving me at home not knowing what to do and not accepting my calls. This was around April 2007 ( we married Dec 2006). To this day, I think I might have made a mistake but at the time I just did not know what to do so I called the police in. I wanted them to find him, but because he was armed they took it as a serious matter and the saga ended up hours later after Ben who was initially depressed due to his ex-wife having purchased his son a 2nd cellphone to the one he provided and then after a phone call and from confirmation from me discovered that his ex-wife and his son Mitchell visited another son of Bennie’s (Vernon) who Bennie was at the time not on good terms with at the time. This just seemed to have driven him over the edge. It ended with his son Mitchell and ex-wife arriving and somehow things turned rather sour where I became the victim after Ben publicly humiliated by screaming at how much me hates me etc. Anyway he left with his ex-wife and son and returned awhile later. I also discovered that he was communicating with an ex-girlfriend which felt like a double betrayal to me. He also forbade his 14 year old son to acknowledge me and this was quite hard living under the same roof where one is to be ignored.
In any event, I started tiring of always having to bear the financial responsibilities and I said I could not pay the rent. Well that was the last month we stayed at the house. From there we moved into the flat we currently reside in Durban North with all bills placed in my name and things were just as bad as it was at the Umhlanga residence. So much has happened that I even forget, but one of the things I remember, we had 3 pumice stones in the bathroom and as I am a home-fiddler, always striving to perfect the home from a décor point of view, I moved his pumice stone to the guest bathroom unaware of the ramifications of my actions. The end result, an ornament I had recently purchased was thrown at the mirrors in the lounge which shattered. Although my insurance company replaced the damage at R2,300 or thereabout, Ben left the home and this was just 1 out of 7 times he vacated the household in 8 months each time after a minor incidence. I also remember another instance when he had left and refused to return my keys and had no further rights to the household, he arrived late one evening after I had already gone to bed – he ripped the bedding and my pj’s off leaving me naked – no doubt in an attempt to humiliate me.
In May this year, I agreed to our re-trying under certain conditions which he adhered to for exactly 4 months and then things went sour again compounded by my 18 year old son who returned to live with us to complete his studies after emmigrating to Italy when he was just 12 years old. Since then he has picked on my son for unmade beds, messy bathroom toilets etc.
But what got me to write today, (and I have left so much out) was due to my sadness at the death of my precious Siamese cat which plunged 6 floors to his death due to Ben leaving the window open.
I have often felt like a verbal punch-bag but having a strong personality, I tried my best to avoid confrontations by becoming quiet but despite my strength, I have found that my hair is thinning … no doubt due to stress and I really just can’t function in my work and my business has suffered so badly. This got me researching the web and it confirmed my thoughts … I am a victim of verbal abuse. It saddens me a great deal but I now realize what a fool I have been in accepting him back in May this year. My husband is a control freak (in other words – he is a bully) and an abuser.
I feel numb and I know I can never enjoy an intimate relationship with Ben again not that I need worry as he mostly sleeps in the lounge anyway.
But – where to from here. I have to pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son and to provide him with all the support he needs.
If I do not speak up and expose this situation, the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse so I am going to take a pro-active stance in this situation and will call for help wherever it can be obtained.
December 26th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hi Veronica,
I’ll be straightforward.
The problem was there during early courtship. If he’s that way when he’s trying to impress you, how do you think he’ll be when the honeymoon is over?
Your mistake was not in calling the police. Your mistake was in not making sure he was sent to prison or in not getting away from him permanently.
He’s blackmailing you emotionally in typical ways – if you stop being the whipping girl, either he’ll kill you, kill someone or something you love or kill himself. If you stay, where do you think it will lead?
I’d say that you don’t have a strong personality bevcause you haven’t ended it. You might have a loud and argumentative personality, but a strong personality would have left long ago. You know what to do: “pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son” BUT DO NOT provide him with all the support he needs. It’s not good for anyone to get all the support he or she wants.
Be pro-active by carrying out your plan and getting away. Only consequences matter; not avoiding or going quiet. You don’t need a confrontation. Don’t try to prove anything to him. Get away before you need police help.
You might see the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
March 15th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
I was married to an abusive manipulating control freak for 19 years. I finally got up the nerve to leave for my 17 year old daughters sake. But this was too late. My daughter started to hit and swear at me at the end of my marriage and callls me horrible names. I’ve been divorced since September , my daughter decided to live with her father and now refuses any contact with me at all. I am crushed. My ex now uses his “power over my daughter to still abuse and control me. I thought things would be better once I walked out but there still living hell. My daughter will be 18 in June and legally I’ll have no rights. I asked her to go to therapy with me but she refuses! Help!
March 19th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Hi Kathy,
I’m so sorry. I know that hurts so much … and happens a lot with 17 year-olds.
At this point, she’s making up her own mind and you’re stuck. You have the most difficult task there is: making your own life wonderful now and in the future despite missing your daughter and waiting and hoping that she’ll see better and wiser.
The better you make your life, the better the chance of her getting it.
Don’t push on her anymore. Don’t be her therapist or teacher; let the outside world do that. You can lead her to water but you can’t make her drink.
Don’t talk with your ex. Don’t get caught in the middle. Don’t listen to her when she complains about living with him and tries to get you in the middle. Don’t let her bounce back and forth between houses if she tries.
I know that’s a lot of “don’ts.” Do start having fun. Do keep a distance until she’s older. If she wants to know why (even though she’ll make up reasons about how bad you are), tell her that she’s too young to understand, but what you want now is a relationship between two adults who have a good time together and don’t wallow in emotional melodrama.
I know that’s really hard. I was always impressed by the biographies and stories about people who were separated from their families (by distance, death or divorce) and made great second lives. That’s the only way I saw the lost people having a chance to wise up and return. Some did and some didn’t.
You’ll need friends for support and also a great coach. It’s a bumpy roller-coaster ride.
The burden is on your daughter to wise up, not on you to control or cajole or teach her.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 30th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
well i have a question i’m traped i have no friends at all or family to help me in my situation and my life is falling apart . i have a very emotional abusive husband and his family always getss involed in my life and i feel like always i being watch or evesdropped on and my huband acts like nothing going on . she loves to blame for for everything in life and and his family loves to also insult and humliate me when i am forced to be around them i cant take it any longer and he threatens me of course i will owe him child support because i will oose everything he a has a seuriose case of dr.jekel and mister hid . i want to work but i have to find soething that will suit him and he wont do the child care . or anything he just uses me like a door mat i am also sometime force to watch his abusive grandmother who ikes to spit dig her nails and bit me .. she acts like nothing going on but she also like to moke me in her native lauguage with insults with his aunt and family . well i am trapped i dont have a dime to my name and i have no one at all to count on . well give me what you can to help me in my situation . i really am stuck
April 1st, 2010 at 8:29 pm
Hi Bridget,
Wow. This will kill your spirit if you stay.
Either:
1. Make a stepwise plan to get enough money to get away – even if it takes a year. Don’t listen to them. Don’t please them. Don’t argue with them. Get money. Get away.
2. Or find a local group that helps abused wives get away with their children and get started again. And go there immediately. They’ll help you get work so you can stay away, get a lawyer, get a divorce
You need to protect and save your children.
Good luck,
Ben
April 11th, 2010 at 10:16 am
There were no signs prior to our marriages and my husband is nothing like the things I’ve read here, but he is quite controlling. He wants everything done his way from how I hang my towel to doing the dishes, etc. Most of the time, he just does it himself, but not without deep sighs and a miserable attitude. He often comments about how tired he is of all the things he has to do all the time, but he won’t let me help. I’m expected to come home every night after work. I’ve been talking about going scrapbooking after work one night a week and he says “don’t you want to spend time with your family”. I feel so guilty that I never go. I haven’t scrapbooked since my son was born over two years ago. Today, I realized that I lost my wallet yesterday. I found it at a local restaruant and my husband insisted on going to pick it up. I was afraid to tell him that it was lost. I knew he would be upset. He said, “We’ve talked about this. We’ve gone over this over and over.” Like somehow by telling me not to lose my wallet, it would make me learn. Yesterday at the grocery store, I forgot to buy the cheese and remembered when we were loading up the car. He insisted on running in to get it and called me “fucking retared”. I freak out when he does these things, because I know it’s verbally abusive, and I won’t have him speaking like that to me, but it doesn’t stop. I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong to be here now.
April 12th, 2010 at 4:52 am
Hi Lilstuf
The way you’ve described it, you husband thinks you’re stupid and he’s a martyr who has to do all the work or you’d ruin his-your life.
You get to decide if you’re so helpless and hopeless that you couldn’t make it without his taking care of you and putting up with you. Are you really “Lilstuf?”
If you don’t thing that’s accurate, you have to do something before you start believing it and you haven’t a shred of self-esteem left.
What you’ve done wrong is that you missed the signs before you married him and now there are no consequences for him if he continues. Freaking out is not a consequence; to him, it’s a minor irritation and proves that you’re immature and out of control.
My experience with people like him is that you’ll never prove to his satisfaction that you’re perfect or worthy of his respect and that he should change his opinion. You’ll never be perfect … enough. He wants you to keep trying to prove it. Secretly, he wants you to be dependent on him. The debate or argument will go on forever.
Is he perfect?
You’ll have to get help designing a plan you’re comfortable with to have consequences for his verbal and emotional abuse. If you don’t, you’ll be training your son to treat you and his someday-wife the same way.
In “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” Brandi had to stop a boyfriend who thought she wasn’t good enough for him.
Why would you want to stay with a person who thinks you’re retarded?
Best wishes,
Ben
May 19th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I hate to admit it, but this is my 4th marriage. At 53, I’m stupid or a slow learner. As Albert Einstein has said, “Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results is insanity”. I was with this man, I’ll call Paul, from ’03 to ’07. We were apart from fall of ’07 to fall of ’08. We married in Jan. ’09. A whim I soon came to regret. He was very romantic and touchy-feelly those first few weeks of our relationship, but complacency soon became the norm. I was made to feel like this was “normal” and should have expected it. He had lived with me in my house beginning in spring of ’04. We primarily argued about sex. I wanted more, he was satisfied with once every 7-10 days, and he’s 8 years my junior! But, the person who wants the least amount of intimacy sets the pace and tone for the relationship. It made me feel fat, ugly and undesirable. I used a vibrator to fill in the gaps and cover my disappointment and frustration. He seemed fine with it and didn’t care. After I started into perimenopause, he showed no concern for me with my unpredictable hot flashes. I was not allowed to have the ceiling fan on low, or the window cracked in my own house. I slept on the sofa in the living room and reviewed our relationship over those 4-1/2 years and made a decision to try out another part of the country since my daughter was grown and on her own. He tried to coerce and badger me into not going. In my epiphany, I came to realize that this was HIS life and I was just an accessory. As long as we were doing things that interested him, we got along fine. He refused to do things that interested me, wouldn’t socialize with my friends from work, and I was always alone at my family’s events because he didn’t want to waste his time on the weekend visiting my family. He made a lot of business and personal decisions without my input, but felt like it was none of my concern since we weren’t married, yet. (He had given me a ring at Christmas of ’04, but we never discussed the “M” word). Needless to say, I gave the ring back before departing. He agreed to rent my house from me for a nominal amount while I tried out WA state. It was my test to see how important I really was in his life. After 7 months he told me he had no intention of moving to be with me, as I knew he wouldn’t. We mutually agreed to go our separate ways. I put my house on the market. Not long after, I started a new relationship that was the product of an online dating service. We were very compatible creatively, but not financially. Then Paul reenters my life in fall of ’08 with promises that he was a changed man. He sent some very eloquent email and phone calls promising me our life would be different. He had a house built in my absense. He was sending me photos and telling me how beautiful it was, and it was just waiting for me to make it my own. I was slow to trust him, but I guess I hadn’t fully gotten over him. I was stupid to believe him, and I hurt the person I was involved with at the time. After we got married and I moved in with him into HIS house, it was not at all as promised. I wasn’t allowed to hang but only a few of my family pictures, I was badgered into giving away personal items and furniture because he didn’t want it in the house. I’m required to squeezy down the tub after showering, then dry it with a towel. I’m not allowed to mow by the house because I might dent the siding. I can’t hang my flower baskets up outside because he doesn’t want holes in the siding on the pillars on the patio. There are no changes in landscaping without his approval or input. I’m an avid gardener. My old plot was 20 x 35′, now I’m only allowed an 8×10′ section. He constantly chases me around the kitchen with spray cleaner making me feel like my cleaning is in adequate. He bought a new truck while I was away one weekend. I’ve never driven it. He promised me I could park my car in the garage. His boat is in the garage, and my car is, once again, relegated to the street, just as it was at MY house. during the winter I have to scrape ice and shovel snow while his truck is warm and clear in the garage. Sex now is currently down to once every 3 weeks and declining. I’m menopausal now and have some gynecological issues that require surgery, which now I’m told I have to save up the money for the deductible and copay. Roughly $2200. This gynecological issue makes sex painful, which he doesn’t understand, nor wants to. He’s only interested in his personal needs. I have accommodated him because of the guilt, but pay for it afterward with bleeding and pain. The only reason I stay is because my daughter and grandkids are close by, but I’m made to feel guilty if I want to spend time, if only a few hours on the weekend, with my daughter. My daughter works Mon-Fri, so there is no other time to see her because she has a family to take care of after work.
I’m too old to start over. I’ve made my bed, and I’ll sleep in it for the sake of my daughter’s family. I have posted this as a warning to other women who may be involved with a manipulative control freak. Never for one minute should you believe that the Leopard has changed his spots. Once an abuser, always an abuser. I believe he gets his values from his “sick”, unloving relationship he had with his parents growing up. His Dad was physically and mentally abusive, and his Mother is subserviant to his Father. I guess he grew up thinking that’s how a marriage should be. So ladies, take a good looks at his parent’s relationship before signing on. It will save you a lot of time, anguish and guilt. You would think I’d have learned. My Father was an alcoholic and verbally abused my Mother, to which he had no recollection the next day. I always vowed I would never end up in a loveless, abusive relationship, and that’s exactly what I did. I have a habit of picking the wrong men. I know I will soon have to deal with this with the help of a counselor so I can find some peace in my life.
May 26th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Hi Linda,
Wow, there’s a lot.
Great epiphany. I’m guessing that the problem starts at the beginning of the relationship when you give up your own desires and interests just to please him. Then he expects you to be an accessory and (verbally?) beats you down when you don’t want to do things his way.
I read “not allowed,” “badgered” and “required” into a lot. You don’t act fast enough to get away when someone tries to control you. Or you don’t just do what you want/need no matter what he thinks.
Read the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Better would be coaching to help you develop the will, strength, courage and perseverance. You don’t want to keep repeating this pattern the next 40 years do you? It’ll only get worse as you get older. There are other ways to be close to your family without hurting your spirit anymore.
It’s your island; how come you don’t vote them off sooner?
I help a lot of people by phone. Call me at 303-458-6616. Right now, you’re setting an example for your daughter and grandchildren to be just like your mother.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 13th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
My daughter is married to a narcissist. He has managed to separate her from her entire family. He would love to separate her from her friends too. He even has her convinced that everyone else is crazy. I have not spoken to her in 2 years. She said he always treats her better when we are not around. He is verbally abusive to her and his daughter. He treats his son like a prince. She has always paid for everything and took care of everything. Yet she is convinced she cannot live without him. I have heard that she is having another baby in September. A year ago I had heard from a friend that saw her at a bank. She said she had gained a lot of weight. I am sure this is how he keeps her tied down. In the past when she has had enough. She leaves him. She starts feeling good about herself and the light in her eyes returns. Then he cries or suggests that he is suicidal(I WISH). Soon the “Stepford Wife” glaze over her eyes returns and you probably know the rest. How can I help her if She won’t even talk to me. If you have any suggestions I am all eyes and ears. I worry about my Grand daughter the most. We were very close when they ripped her from my life. They have told the kids that I want nothing to do with them.
June 18th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Hi Rita,
I’m so sorry. You’re in the worst situation because there’s nothing you can do that’ll be effective until your daughter wants you to help her.
All you can do is wait and pray. Someday, when she comes to you, hold back your hurt and anger and try to help her be strong.
She needs lots of help to find her inner self again. But until she wants helped, you’re stuck.
At the end, you say, “They.” Are they holding her against her will? Is there something you can get the police involved in? I doubt it from the rest of the comment. Unless you have good evidence for kidnapping, if you try to intervene, you’ll only drive her closer to him.
I’m so sorry.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 1st, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I am not even sure this is where I need to ask for help. I don’t really understand what is going on with me. My husband can be a wonderful man, but he blows up at the smallest thing, usually centered around my family.
For example, the other day, he called on his way home from work. I didn’t hear my cell phone ring, and apparently he had already called my home. I was at my mother’s, and he knew that. He called her cell phone, then her home, and no one answered. (We had a house full of people, some leaving, and it was loud.) When I checked my phone and saw I had missed his call, I called him back. He immediately started yelling about us ignoring his calls, and how rude we all are, and how dare we attitude. He was pissed the whole evening. By the way, the only thing he wanted was to say he was leaving work to come home. He does this everyday.
He also calls 4-5 times a day just to check up on me and the kids, to see what I have accomplished. If I don’t get enough work done, at least to his standards, he has a fit when he gets home. I am working from home for the summer, so he thinks I have time to do whatever he wants and he doesn’t have to lift a finger. If I take the kids somewhere and he thinks I should have cleaned the kitchen, he will start yelling. “It is your choice to take them to all these stupid places. Why don’t you just stay home and make them clean up the house?” I have different priorities- fun for the kids, the yard and my job. The house is just not on my top 3 list. (And yes, I mow the lawn, too. I am home doing nothing after all, right? I am just sick and tired of all the yelling.
Then he also asks me the same question over and over, getting mad if I get annoyed. For example, I said today that my sister in law was being crabby lately. He asked me what I meant, so I said I couldn’t really put my finger on anything specific, but she was just crabby. He asked me what she was doing. I got a little annoyed, and then he asked me what she had done to make me say that about her. When I told him there was no reason to keep asking except that he must not believe me, he said I had a sad life since I thought he was calling me a liar.
I really don’t know what to do. Please give me some advice.
July 9th, 2010 at 7:24 am
Hi Margie,
It sounds like you two have lost the good will that brought you together. You’re now making war on each other.
Stop trying to get him to admit he’s wrong and bad. You can both justify how you act. But excuses don’t matter; solutions do.
Unless you two get help, you two will drive a wedge further and further between each other.
I help people stay committed to their strongest and best spirits, and to create specific plans to get bullies off their islands. But you may want someone local and face-to-face. Get help before it’s too late.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 31st, 2010 at 5:12 pm
An excellent article. I recognize my father so easily after reading this page. My mother suffered his treament of her for 30 years and then left.
Dad is dead now, but he could never understand why she left him.
My brother and I could have so easily turned out like him if we hadn’t seen what it did to Mum. In fact, I was somewhat like him when I was a teenager, but changed, thank goodness!
September 4th, 2010 at 10:15 am
Hi Freddie,
Good for all of you!!!!
Thank you for sharing your success.
As much as bullying and abuse is usually multi-generational, being a victim is also. But you all make it stop with him!!!!
I hope all readers are inspired by your example.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 1st, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Is there any elderly agency that can be notified
when husband of 60 is in charge of dispensing rx
drugs to wife, who is 62 and mentally incapable anymore of giving herself meds, cooking, driving, etc. I am sure that bullying husband is, “deliberately,” overdozing or underdozing wife, for possible Life Insurance Policy /&
control of all things in house! I have proof of
all the meds she takes (about 15 different drugs, 3 to 4 times a day! She is like a zombie most of the day, due to all the meds that she is given +
she is given very little food by husband before he gives her the meds & very little water to drink to go with the meds. Is there any local police/city/county agency that I could go to with the list of meds? Major problem is, husband is the only ONE that is the Care-giver
thanks
October 3rd, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Hi Victor,
This is so painful…and is sometimes done by both husbands and wives to their helpless spouses.
There’s no easy solution I know of because the people involved are adults, not children. I assume that any children of this couple aren’t willing or capable of intervening on behalf of their mom.
First, consult state laws. It’ll be a matter of relevant laws and processes within the system.
Second, find out who might be willing to investigate and determine if there’s neglect or intent to harm or an illegal act. You’ll probably need an advocate or case worker within the system. Are there local agencies that review these situations?
Sometimes, if the caregiver can be persuaded to put the wife in a day care center (so he can relax and have some time off), people at the center who are trained can observe poor care and can get the process started.
I don’t know of any easy way out.
Good luck,
Ben
October 21st, 2010 at 12:13 pm
ok, so i’ve been with this guy for 4 years. however, practiacally since day 1 – he has had issues. he says it’s me, that he has NEVER treated anyone this way – i just do dumb things. one example, way back to year 1 probably month two, my best friend and i were going to a local restraunt / bar to celbrate a frinds brithday party, i invited him as we were dating. he offered to drive, he had a really nice car so i thought it would be nice if my frind and i drove all together in his car, she didn’t like that idea as she prefers to drive whereever we went, but i convinced her being that it was local about 10 min from her house. so we arrived there were a lot of people i knew, men & women. i was constantly saying hi to people i would introduce him at the same time ect. anyhow, being that my friend was single, he decided to call his goor friend to come join us – no problem with us. so he gets there and were all chatting, dancing, however my friend did not like his friend in that way – but she was still polite. anyhow the night went on and everyone had to use the restroom several times through out the night. the last time my friend and i used the restroom, we came out and did not see those two guys any where. instantly my friend assumed he left us – i said ” no way girl, come on, why?” so after searching through the premises and not finding them, we went outside to see if his car was there and it was gone!! i couldn’t believe she was right. she started getting into ” that’s why i drive, this is why i like to drive my own car, look what he did, even though we are down the street, how dare he leav us.” i agrreed. what could i say. i was really hurt because since day 1, i really like this guy. grant it, this was like month two, but i had meant him earlier that year, and things were just really slow between us, so at this point we had really started to date. i was a full time student & had a full time job, so there were a lot of phone converstations until we started making time for one another. anyhow back to the incident, we call him on his cell, he answers and said that he looked all over for us, didn;t see us, so he thought we left with some guys. now that’s just rediculous, we were not in the restroom that long. then he starts going on how i’ll never meet anyone like him, he is one of a kind. but i couldn;t believe that he was actually accussing us of leaving with some guys. after that my friend did not care for him at all. so eventually we spoke again, and me being ignorant, i believed that he thought we left so i continued to see him after that.. oh my goodness. i cannot tell you what he has put me through since then. and that lil storing is nothing compared to what i deal with on a regular basis.
that was just another example, now that was the worst but not the last.
so lets see….. everytime we would go out, with his friends or even alone, i was looking at someone, i was checking someone out, balh blah blah blah. this would result in him pouring beer on me in public, calling me names and this happened many many times. one example, we were at a bar, having drinks. him , me and his friend. i went too the restroom, i come out a few minutes later, and now all of a sudden i’m a lesbian. i took to long in the restroom, so as soon as i get out, he’s questioning me, what was i doing ( a million times) and insisted some girl told him i was with some girl, so i come out like i said he’s accussing me like i said, he ends up spitting at me, throwing a beer can at me, i run out and hide in the parking lot, he gets in his car and searched the parking lot and finds me, i get in the car, and wea re jus togin at it, names and everything… i’m not sure how it started but we end up hiting eachother, so bad to the point that when we were on the freeway, i practically jump out of the car, he pulls over starts chasing me and is litterally beating me up, i get back in the car, we make it to his house (i wasn’t offically moved in yet, but was practically living there) anyhow, it continued when we got home. i remeber laying on the bed, he ahs me pinned down, a took his fist back to get adrenaline and struck me clear acrross my cheek as if he were hitting a man, he hit my right side and the next day my jaw on the left side hurt so bad from the pressure, not to mention, my face was totally disfigured, i couldn’t go to work and when i did, i said i was jump by girls in a bathroom. i had brusing for like two weeks. the next day, he swore he was sorry and would never do it again… i still stayed
on a daily basis, i’m dumb, stupid, a kunt, a bitch, a hoodrat, reatred, stupid, white bitch, worthless and it goes on. the sad things is, that there are good moments. and they are the best when they are, i’m not sure why i keep trying to find the good in him, but i do. he is controlling as far as ” wgat are you doing? have you taken a break, did anyone talk to you, have you left” those are questions everyday while i’m at work. but sometimes it’s ” baby i miss you, i need you, talk to me sweet” at first i thought his behavior was when he drank, so i stopped drinking with him (i’m not a drinker, but ocassional)but his attitude didn’t stop. drinking or not. not only that but his mother lives in the front house, he supports her, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and his two kids. which really pisses me off, because that lady is always oin my business. when we leave for work, she goes in our house (now living together) maybe washes a few dises maybe not, just a noisy old lady. always watching me, i never have friends over NEVER, but sometimes my mom and sister come by and she litterally stand at her back door which facesmy door and stares at us, talking. i tell him about it and he says to leave her alone, ignore it. kind of hard, but i try. i cannot stand this lady due to the fact that she has seen her son hit me, and has the nevev to tell me, that i should leave ” go home, go home” she says, well where the hell is that if i live here!!!!
one more example, the other day i thought i saw lice eggs in his daughters hair (she lives with the mom, over on weekends)anyhow earlier that week the mother called accusing us of giving her lice, there is no way she got it from here, maybe day care, anyhow i became concerened, who is going to clean my hair if i get it? so the next time she came over i checked her head, i saw eggs. i told him the next day, when she was already home. it started an argument, he said ” well wash the blankets” i said it isn’t that easy, he said ” well fucken leave if you don’t like it” oh by the way i have moved in and out over and over. so any how, i knew that he wasnt mature enough to talk about it so i walked away, into the bathroom as i was going to take a shower, he comes in after me, i’m naked from the bottom half, he’s yelling over and over caling me all those names, so i start yealling, he tales his hand a swipes me over my head, a few times, so i now, i push him back, he takes of his shoe (the bathroom is small) comes toward me, i end up in the shwoer the water running, and hits me like six times with his shoe so hard it leaves the impression on my skin. i took pictures for my records. over and over hitting me like i was some sort of runt. i took the water head it’s movable and started sprying him with the water, he gets out. i could feel my skin literlaly popped out with the impression of the shoe, i look in the mirror and had shoe mark all over my back, my butt, and legs. i’m now crying from rembering this.
so yeah this guy….. also i’ve had staples put in my head, once he kicked me in the middle of my tomach with his leg causing me to fall back, i hit the heater mounted in the wall and it cracked my head open. i went to the emergency and got two staples, call into work and said i hit my head on my bed frame, another day off work because of him.
so here i am now,
last night we went ot dinner, we hav eno cable i swiched companies, anyhow he all pissed off cause there is no cable, so i call the company while we are at dinner, i’m trying to be quite we are in a rresturant, while i’m talking to them, he’s in the back saying things, i couldn’t hear him and the represenative at the same time, anyway, i ended up having to reschedule another installation day. so we eat & leave now we are in the car, he’s going off on me ” you can’t do nothing right, everything you do is shit, anything you touch turns sour, everything about you is disfunctional” on and on and on while i’m driving, i just keep absorbing it, finally i burst out” fuck you, look at you mother fucker, always calling me names, always fucking hitting me, what kind of amn are you” then he swears that the only time he has ever hit me was because i hit him first, i said ” lets not pretend here, no one is listening. you know you fucking hit me” he has the nerve to give him an example ok – once i couldn’t find my phone, you flipped out thaought i was hiding it ( we even had company, guy & girl) he hits me, i run to the bathroom he comes in pulls me by my hair and literllay drags me by my hair out to the leaving room while i’m down on the floor and kicks me over & over. he said he didn’t rember that – oh really, all of a sudden. so a lot has happened. the hitting has minimized but the names are worse than ever, but actually that shoe incident was like maybe a month and a hlaf ago, not that long ago. i gusee that the hitting is not as constant anymore, but let me finish the story. so while we were driving home and he was yelling at me, i ba=egan to say i ain’t no fucking looser, i make this much money, how many people do you know making that right now, he said he knew pleanty, then he started to tell me that i’m probably sucking my boss d*c*, that drew the line, i felt like i was going insane, this man never shuts up, constantly at me ” you fucken hoodrat, sucking your boss fucken di*k, you worthless bitch, you aint never going to be anything…. so i get out of the car, i’d rather walk than hear him talk to me. so i did. he eventually drove past me saying ” hey hoodrat balh blah blah, i couldn’t even make out wjhat he was saying, i didn’t care. so i walk , walk, walk & walk, finally i see him drive by me after im almost home, i told him i wasn’t getting in the car and he should keep driving, then he’s yealling as he drives away all those names again. so i get to the house, i’m not talking to him, ieven sleep in another room. this morning i wake uup, get ready for work, he gets up, gets ready. i have not said anything to him, then he tells me ” hey charity taker, make sure you lock my house when you leave” oh not to mention last night when i got home, iturned my phone on as it was off when i was walking becuase i was interested in him calling me. so i turned it on a text came in from my mom. he said 9:30 it was now 10 pm so he gets out of bed because he heard the text, comes and violently grabs my phone” whos texting you!” my mom! ” oh really, why does it say 9:30″ hello, i just turned it on. then he goes in the room and doesn’t give me my phone back. a few minutes later comes out calling me all the names again ” your just a dumb white bitch, people like you will never learn, your a fucking hoodrat” on and on and on. so now we are both yelling calling names, and that is how the night ended, i couldn’t go to sleep right after that as my heart was beating a million time s animute, i knew i had to calm down. so now like i said it’s the morning, no words exchanged to eachother except when he walks out the door he says ” hey charity taker, make sure you lock my house when you leave” i said i need my phone, i pay the bill every month then he said well give me the money bitch, i said your not even paying it today, i’ll give it to you later. now my car doesn’t work at the moment, i have a beetle, so he knows i need his car or a ride to work, but without caring about me, he takes off in his car and didn’t even offer to drive me to work – not surprised. so i take a taxi
but i get to work and it’s hard to sit here and hold back the tears. why am i with such an abusive perosn?????????? i do care for him, but i can really say that i don’t love him like i use to. at first it was wining dining, trips to hawaii, mexico, he owns properties, a business. but now. now more trips, his mercedes is gone, his business is rough, the money aint like it use to be. but i ‘m still around! but yeat im a “charity taker, squater, free loader” this man pays the mortgage, i help with bills, eating out, food ect.
i just know, this is not the life i want. i look at happy people and think, i want that. i want soeone to love me and respect me. to this day, 4 years later, this man tells me i need to eran his respoect, i need to earn his trust.
it’s so exhausting, i’m ready to move on…. how do i amke the fianl step?????
please help! i’m at work, please forgive the spelling errors, thank you
October 26th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Hi Jennifer,
I’ll be straightforward.
I think you know what you need – how far can you get away – 3-6,000 miles might be enough?
If you need to stay a while to get enough money together do it, but keep that fire of your spirit’s crying out to you. Get free, get free, get free. No debates or arguing, no justification or explanation. Just disappear.
Start again if you need. Your life is all the reason you need to leave. I know it’s hard, but you’d better before something really bad happens to you.
See the study of Alicia in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Tactics are situational so you don’t need to use hers…but you do need her strength, courage and determination. And an expert coach/.
By the way: next time, leave at the first sign. You’ll save yourself four years of hell. Stop being attracted to whining, dining and money. What did you really expect? Not, what were your wishful thinkings.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 13th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
This guy and I have had an on and off realtionship for the past year. We agreed to stay friends, with benefits, due to the fact that I did not want a boyfriend at the time. We used to hook up for about two months, then he got a gf, and two weeks later, he dumped her (because he couldn’t sleep with her) and came back to me, and I was stupid and took him back. We hooked up many times after, and I had really started to fall for him, although I don’t believe he felt the same. Two months ago , he’s got a girlfriend and we totally cut off contact. The other day, he called me up and we talked for a few minutes and he asked if I wanted to grab lunch with him, and told me that he misses me. I told him no, because I didn’t want to seem easy again. I dont understand what to believe of this. Does he want to come back to me? I’m not even sure if him and his gf get along very well. Please help!
November 18th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
Hi Joslynn,
I’ll be straightforward.
I think you do know exactly what to believe. Believe his actions, not his words.
Obviously he looks for other girlfriends and misses you only when he can’t get someone he wants more. Very crudely put – does he pay cash for his benefits?
Stop wasting your time and body! Find someone else who appreciates who you are.
Read about Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”. You can do better also.
We may need to talk to build up your confidence and self-esteem.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 24th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
I’ve been reading what others have gone through in an abusive situation. In one way, it helps me to not feel alone but on the other hand, no advice given is doable for me.
I married late in life. Not out of choice but because – quite frankly, no one ever wanted me and I do mean no one. Growing up I had dreams of marrying, having a family, a husband who loves me and cares for me and in return, I would give 110% of myself. As the years passed and no prospects came my way, I actually got comfortable in being alone. I became the caretaker of my mother so she could live her retirement years in relative comfort. I became the financial giver to my neices and nephews as I was often spoken about in the family as the one to get financial help from because, since I was single and had no “immediate” family of my own, I had plenty of cash to help out others – not only was this true by members of my family, but my church authorities also told me that it was my responsibility to give where others were unable to. My “singlehood” demanded that I give more.
And so for years after years – I gave. I started to realize that the only time I saw family or family would spend time with me was when they needed something from me or when I paid for their time to spend with me. I guess I was set up very well for the next stage of my life.
Through a culmination of different factors, I found a man. He was divorced and was raising several children on his own. He had been through a bitter divorce and was given full custody of his children. He was really sweet and, for the first time in my life, I had a man paying attention to me. I had given up the dream of ever getting married and having children and then, out of the blue, in my early 40s, I was presented with everything I had ever wanted. My family was not happy about it and, on many occassions, told me I was being selfish in getting married. I needed to financially take care of my mother, my nieces and nephews were approaching college and they needed financial help. In short, if I made the decision to get married, I would be betraying the family out of selfishness. It was heart wrenching to have those you love treat you that way. I wanted them to be happy for me but all they did was critize. I wanted independence and my own life – maybe that’s why I went into the marriage as quickly as I did. Not one single member of my family came to the wedding – not one.
Four days after I was married my husband told me he had made a mistake in marrying me. He said we were too different – that I didn’t meet his expectations. He said he would have to give it a try for his kids sake but he didn’t think we were going to work out. I was floored and I knew I couldn’t turn to my family. I also strongly believed in the institution of marriage and that it took work – a lot of work. I wasn’t going to quit at the very beginning.
For months after that 4th day, I woke every morning wondering if this was the day he was going to tell me I wasn’t good enough and he wanted out. I lost a ton of weight and yet, he called me fat almost daily. I should also mention that I now lived in a different part of the country, near his family and they were all watching me to see if I would make him miserable like his ex-wife. I had no where to turn – I couldn’t go to my family – they were eagerly awaiting for me to see how wrong and selfish I had been, and I most certainly couldn’t go to his family. His kids were still trying to get to know me and, being young (the oldest was only 12), I couldn’t go to them.
After 5 months, I actually almost left but, I loved him, this was the life I had dreamed about and thought I would never have it. I had children who now depended upon me. I had to be crazy to think of leaving – and then, where would I go. Alone, heartbroken, confused, I finally approached my husband about what I was feeling. It was one of the most candid conversations we had had. He told me how much he loved me but he wanted me to be happy and if leaving him was what would make me happy, then he wouldn’t stand in my way. Leaving wasn’t what I wanted – I wanted a loving husband and children. He told me his comment to me on that 4th day was his insecurity and brought on by word that his ex-wife was trying to open up a custody fight now that he had remarried. This was true but it never prevailed. Knowing marriage takes a lot of work, we, together, decided to try and make it work. We started by moving to a new state, away from my family and away from his family, and for a couple of years, things were great. We were both working and making some decent money – not boatloads,but decent.
One day I came home from work and found out that he had quit his job. He was angry with what was going on at his work and he told me in a manner that I wasn’t to question, “I will never work for anyone else again. I will only work for myself.” He had dreams of having his own business and he was going to focus on that. Instantly our income dropped by 60%. That was 8 years ago and he hasn’t made a penny since. In fact, at the time we had a net worth, after paying off all of our debt, of about $400,000. Today, after paying off all of our debt, we have a negative net worth of close to $350,000.
Throughout the 8 years of no work, I have continually begged, pleaded, for him to do something to help out with the bills but he told me that I was raining on his desire to have his own company. The problem there was he was getting loans to start a company that he barely put any effort in except for a day or two every few months or so. However, the loans were spent on equipement, rent, overhead, and he was making no money so the entire burden of making the payments fell onto my shoulders. I literally went through my entire 40 years of savings so that now, I can’t even afford to buy myself a hamburger off of a $1.00 menu.
The economy has tanked as we all know and he’s complaining he can’t get anymore loans. When I asked him for help again – he told me that I was greedy and that he’s sick and tired of me thinking of only myself. If his business doesn’t make it, it’s all my fault because I won’t give him more money. When I tell him I don’t have anymore, he tells me to get a second job but don’t tell anyone because it will make him look bad. Is that what I want? For him to look bad? “Men have divorced their wives over less than that,” he’ll say.
In all of this, my children (step though I never saw them as that) began treating me like less than dirt early on. I needed to give, give, give and don’t expect anything thanks because that was my job. Now I have grandchildren but I am not allowed to see them because I am worthless, not their “real” grandmother but, if I want to see them, I must buy my kids a car, pay for a vacation, pay their rent, etc. I simply don’t have money to do that – so, I haven’t seen my grandkids in over a year now.
Now we have a child who needs financial help so they are moving in with their spouse and pets. I asked that they help out paying the bills, a small room and board fee, and my husband exploded, again saying that I was evil to expect his child to pay to live with him. That I was a greedy B… I must now find someplace to spend Thanksgiving because I am not wanted around the table or in the house because no one wants to look at my greedy f… face.
My husband also reminded me that all of the loans, bills,etc., are in my name (since he didn’t work, only I could get the loans) and if I ever tried to leave, he would take me to court to give him alimony – after all, I have supported him for the past 8 years so the courts will easily require me to continue that support. So, I’ll have to pay alimony, the mortgage, car loans, business loans, utilities, etc., etc., etc., and I can live on the crumbs that are left, if there are any crumbs.
I know this sounds crazy, but believe it or not, I still love him. When he is good – he is the sweetest man, funny, charming – you name it – and that can go on for months before a meltdown.
I, to this day, cannot turn to my birth family. They are still angry with me and waiting to point the finger and say, “I told you so.” I used to talk to some of the women I work with but they have become bored and tired of hearing my problems and now walk away from me when I approach. My church leaders have told me that I must see what I am lacking in myself to cause me to be treated the way that I am. That it is me who has something wrong and that I need to correct myself before I point my finger at others. “What’s the common factor in all this, i.e., your birth family, friends, spouse, kids? You(me)are. The problem is you so fix yourself.”
So, I have no family to turn to, no friends, no church, no one. I’m the problem – even my church leaders have told me that. So, I’m sorry, but the answer isn’t “just walk away”. I can’t – I’m stuck. The only answer I can see is to not wake up anymore. Each night I pray that I wont wake up in the morning. I truly believe that death is the only answer for me – but I dont’ have the courage – at least not yet but I’m working on it.
November 29th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
Hi Anon,
I’ll be straightforward, because I think you need to hear it in order to make better decisions for your future.
Yes, you accepted the training to give up your own life and become the do-good-ing martyr. Sounds like everyone was interested in getting what they wanted from you. They counted; you didn’t. Being depended on by adults is not the same as being loved.
You might have dreamed about being married but that marriage was not the married life you’d dreamed of. You had dreamed of being loved by an equal partner.
Now you have a man who is also interested in himself only. He doesn’t shoulder his share. Once you accepted being treated like dirt from him, of course his children followed his lead.
Don’t believe a word he says. Stop listening to other people. Stop letting them label your hopes and dreams as selfish, so they can benefit.
Get your own lawyer and get away or you’ll be singing a worse tune when you’re 70 or 80. They will have taken everything from you and when you have nothing left, they’ll discard you like bad fruit. Any time you have to buy a relationship – with him or his children or their children – the price will keep going up and it won’t be worth it.
What kind of future do you see with him? Take your wonderful and good nature and find someone worthy to love. Maybe you should start with loving yourself.
You need expert coaching to develop the courage, strength and perseverance to love yourself and begin your future. It’s not “begin again” because it’ll be a new you who is begging and who will make better decisions for her future.
You need expert coaching to create a plan that expands your comfort zone and gets you a better chance of happiness. Your church leaders are right only in the sense that you have to make different decisions based on what’s good for your future. But they’re not right if they have no sympathy and don’t help you get away.
Your future is calling you to change. Will you listen?
Best wishes,
Ben
December 1st, 2010 at 3:45 pm
My friends and family really don’t like him.
He was married before — two girls from his first marriage — now 19 and 15 1/2. Joint physical custody.
I’ve never been married before.
We married in 1999 (I was 31 and he 30), first child in 2000, Master’s degree in 2001, baby number two in 2002. My father died in 2004 while I was at a soccer tournament for his oldest daughter out of state — I argued with him for weeks telling him I didn’t want to go — my father had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer just three months earlier. He had a sexual complaint filed against him in 2005. Issues with the ex-wife throughout. He’s unhappy with work. Has had problems with members of his coed soccer team, issues with parents of the teams the girls have been on and he’s coached. He’d complain we weren’t having enough sex (2Xweek sometimes more). Would coerce into watching porn. If I refused to watch it, he’d pout and moan and saying things like: “at least I’m trying to introduce new things into our intimate life.” In August of this year, he coerced me into wearing a dress soooo revealing at a ritzy restaurant on a weekend he’d “put a lot of thought and money into for us” — I felt humilitated. I think that brought everything to a head. He would give me grief about movie night at my best friend’s house (neighbor too)– so I stopped. He would give me grief about going to happy hour (once or twice a month with my girlfriends and sisters)– we only met a handful of times (he called it “bar hopping” — I stopped. He complained about my time on Facebook (only source of connecting with friends otherwise he expects to be physically present or feels left out and threatened somehow). He, however, can spend hours on the computer either on Facebook or other sites, or on his playstation and wii games. He had my passwords to my e-mail and FB accounts until recently because HE would delete what HE felt was unnecessary from my accounts. I’ve changed them — and now he accuses me of keeping secrets. I came home to find him absolutely livid about a photo I posted as my profile picture on FB (Wonder Woman’s body and Sarah Palin’s face) — he found it “too salacious” and “people don’t know that isn’t you.” I told him that day that I couldn’t take it anymore… We went to counseling. And, although I’ve repeatedly expressed to him, over the years, my concerns — a little at a time because he considers everything an attack on his person — he felt ambushed and ended up in the ER that night with heart attack symptoms (turned out to be anxiety). He called another friend of mine up and asked her to call me and hang out with me more –this is his attempt to distance me from my best friend of 8 yrs whom he dislikes. He says now that he can’t believe that we are at this point. That it’s all happened just in the last couple of months. That we need to put the past in the past and begin from here to repair and heal our marriage. That he is sorry for what he has done, specifically with the incident of the oh, so revealing dress. However, he continues to deal with situations in the same manner. The night I allowed myself to be coerced into wearing that awful dress, I argued with him and explained how that made me feel…. he was livid, wouldn’t listen. He does the same now. Sex has become for me, a way to keep him from being nasty to me (pouting and complaining)… he doesn’t get it.
My children are older now. I am older now. I don’t want to have to deal with this — I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel bad… yet, I am emotionally drained on a daily basis.. I feel physically exhausted. What do I do?
December 6th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Hi Dastra,
I’ll be straightforward. You know what you need to do.
All along, you gave into his harassment, coercion, bullying, pouting, moaning and whining. When you did, what happened? If you really regret it then start acting in your own best interest. You have to get yourself out of the hole you dug for yourself. You can now dig steps and get up and out.
Be proud. Keep secrets. Do what’s good for you.
What’s more important to you: giving in so you don’t hurt his feelings or protecting yourself and your children by divorcing him?
He’s a manipulative, stealthy bully. You’ll see many different kinds and learn what to do in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest on this web site (www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
Your actions are teaching your children very bad lessons about how to control people and who wins and who loses. He’ll twist them like he twists you. Do you think he won’t do any of the sexual things with your children?
By the way, when you get strong and he sees that he can’t get what he wants by acting like a “victim,” there’s a good chance he’ll become nasty, vindictive and snaky about our computer and money.
Protect yourself. Give you and the children a chance to live a better life.
Get coaching and get a lawyer immediately so you can protect yourself.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 1st, 2011 at 9:24 am
[...] of the movie; the point for all of us in the real world. Will we be defeated by defeat, will we give up when we’re back to square-one, will we give up when life is unfair or too destructive for us or will we get up and fight again, [...]
May 8th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
My situation doesn’t sound much different then those above but I want to make sure. I have many self-doubts. I am married for many years. My husband and I have been to many counselors but somehow after one or two sessions the counselors and my husband decide that I am the main problem in the marriage. I am now being ‘physically abused’ by my son. I feel as if my husband speaks down to me. I am beginning to have chest pains. I can’t tell what is happening anymore. Please help. Even my pastor says my marriage is all my fault.
May 10th, 2011 at 6:07 am
Hi Michelle,
I’ll be straightforward.
Probably, your son watched your husband bully and abuse you successfully and he learned to do it also.
Asking whose fault and placing blame is the wrong way to go about it. I don’t know the details but I know a better approach.
1. Decide how you want to be treated.
2. Anyone who won’t treat you the way you want doesn’t get near you. No discussion, no debate, no argument. No enduring abuse forever while you try to decide whose fault it is.
3. Never accept abuse, physical or otherwise. The big fault is that you haven’t stood your ground against bullies. Words are only words; only actions count.
4. It’s probably very difficult after all these years but you’d better get away. I suspect your spirit is beginning to give up because you won’t get away and that’s connected to your chest pains.
5. Before you get into another relationship, examine how you think and act and change what you think needs changed.
Of course you know what’s happening. You won’t say that you need to get free of oppression no matter what anyone else thinks.
I know it won’t be easy but it is clear. Your spirit needs to get free or die.
Trust your heart and get away!
Best wishes,
Ben
May 29th, 2011 at 5:09 pm
[...] power over yourself – discipline and train yourself. Take power over your personal space – decide who you’ll allow on your island. Take power over your present and [...]
June 9th, 2011 at 2:50 pm
[...] One of the favorite tactics of bullies is to attack. These verbal and emotional bullies are always finding fault and picking on flaws. The natural response at first is for the wives to defend themselves. But that only perpetuates the cycle of attack and defense. There’s never an end to the constant harassment and negativity. [...]
July 4th, 2011 at 7:48 am
my friend has been with a man a total of 17 yrs who is verbally and emotionally abusive to her. he doesnt work. he may be bi-polar…probably has compulsive disorder. in other words he is a damn nut. always has been. he is in college full time. she works. has a great job. they have children. he had an affair.she didnt find out for 3 years until she got some paperwork in the mail that told her what she didnt know—that he had another child. (she could have left then— that was her opportunity–but she didn’t take it) he’s always thinking someone is looking at her. says it all the time. he harrasses her at work…asking her who’s trying to pick her up at work. if they go on vacation there is always drama. he leaves the house hours at a time. she has never met any of his friends. he has several online aliases in the facebook world…he’s been talking to many women. he as emotional ups and downs quite frequently. so how in the heck do you stop this nut? she wants out of this marriage….has for years but she stays because she is afraid he will kill her. a protective order means nothing to someone who wants you dead. i dont know how to help her. i can talk to her until i am blue in the face but until “enough is enough” to her; she won’t do anything. it’s so unfair. because she has such a beautiful personality. And to have this man just tear her down all these years is just ridiculoous. and he goes to church which makes it even worse. I know there are demons in church and i guess he is one of the many. i have never ever known anyone like him. it’s scary. i wish she had have done something about it at the first sign…when they were dating. she knew he wasn’t right. she’s told me so many things. I told her she must write a book once she gets out of this. it would be a best seller for sure.
July 5th, 2011 at 8:06 pm
Hi Anonymous,
You have a real problem because you can’t act for your friend. She’s the one who has to get her courage together to seek help.
You’re right – she should have left much sooner. Maybe deciding to trust her intuition will help her next time.
You’re right – We don’t try to change, rehabilitate or therapeutize a creep like her husband; we get away.
You’re right – We can’t help her until she gets over her fear, takes charge of herself and determines to get away. That’s the only way she’ll learn the skills, make an effective plan and carry it out with strength, courage and determination and skill.
Of course it’s scary. But staying is giving up. It’ll only get worse and her options will get fewer and fewer. If she doesn’t get away she’s guaranteeing she’ll die sooner anyway – and never write the book she could.
I’ve found that once people in your friend’s situation make the step to ask for help/coaching, that’s like an internal commitment to get free. Until they do that, you can’t help her. So, is she willing to talk? I do a lot of phone coaching to help build people’s strength, courage, determination and skill, and to design a plan that fits them.
Have her call me at 303-458-6616.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 17th, 2011 at 4:04 pm
I have been remarried for 3 years. It is a second marriage for us both. I have 2 grown kids and he has no children. The problem is, the company I worked for 4 years went out of business. I went to work at another place for a year, it went out of business about 2 months ago. Bad economy. I have been diligently trying to get another job but it is hard. I was a housewife and mother for 20 years. Now I am experiencing empty nest syndrome, perimenopause and a new marriage. My husband now seems to “punish” me financially. It is not my fault about the job situation and economy and rising fuel and food prices. He refuses to give me money for gas, he controls all the money and if I need anything I have to beg for it and if he decides it’s okay, he gives me the money. Or he takes me to the store and buys it for me(Shampoo, makeup, etc) nothing major. He makes fairly decent money, not rich but not in debt either. Yet he gripes about every dime. I threatened to leave him once and he acted nice for about 6 months and then went back to being a jerk again. I look for a job everywhere but I am not from this area and people tend not to want to hire an out of towner housewife. I am ready to give up but do not want to go back home to my mothers house. I have tried to talk to my husband but he is stubborn and accuses me of giving him a hard time. He won;t tell me how much money he makes and he lies to me about finances. I found a bank note showing he borrowed $1200 and he lied to me and told me he didn’t owe anything. He doesn’t know that I found the bank note. I am sick of this. I feel like I am trapped. I look for jobs but can’t find one. My husband says “don’t worry, it’s okay, you’ll find a job soon”, but he gripes and complains about money and treats me like a child.
September 5th, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Didn’t your mothers ever tell you to stand on your own two feet & not depend on a man?? Obviously, NOT, you all need to get some backbone & demand respect. Sounds like you didn’t know these idiots you married. You should dump them & move on Get a good divorce lawyer & get all you can. In the future if you get lonely get a pet, hang out with friends, but don’t marry a loser. You create your own reality if you want a new life make one. Trying to change these idiot men is hopeless so move on & create the life you deserve
September 7th, 2011 at 10:07 am
Hi Saea,
You sound like you’re speaking from lots of bad experiences. But you’ve learned! Good for you.
And a lot of mothers did not tell their daughters what they needed to know. “Love” is a very powerful emotion. So is fear!
Please checkout:
To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/04/to-increase-confidence-and-self-esteem-test-the-world-not-yourself/
Best wishes,
Ben
October 4th, 2011 at 8:15 am
[...] took a different path. She felt that her husband’s behavior was way over the top and he was setting a bad example for their son. Also, if she stayed, she’d be setting a bad [...]
November 25th, 2011 at 2:55 am
Hey Ben.
From reading these letters I can see that Duncan is a bully. He denies that I have ever supported him and now that I have reached rock bottom financially, emotionally and healthwise he wont bail me out. I was a single strong and independant mother and entrepreneur when we met. I always paid my way and sometimes his way too. When he was out of work he worked for my company and bought himself a brand new boat, motor and trailer. I dont throw these things at him like the new fridge and the new entertainment system, but now that I am in financial shit he wont help me. He tells me he is no longer committed to the relationship, but he wont leave me either. He wont love me, but we still share a bed. I am ready to pack up and leave, but we also share a small child and I dont know how he will react. His offer to help me out is to sign my house over to him so the bank wont repo it. I am not even behind on my mortgage yetor any of my payments for that matter. Infact I think now, november and december if i dont get work it will be the first time. I dont want to hand over my house because it is my only safeguard and without it i have nowhere else to go. I also think it will mean that i am trapped with him. I would rather he put my bakkie in his name. I am just so tired. He promised to leave so many times. He teased me by packing some things and taking them to his moms house. Every now and then he takes some more things. I can only move into my house in jan or feb. I just dont have any fight left. When he is nice it lasts about three weeks then he switches back to being a nasty piece of work. I have to give him final written warning. I have to give him a final ultimatum, but ?I feel I have backtracked so far I dont even know where to draw the line now. It seems so far gone I dont think it can be fixed. I am so sad cos i feel like everything i believed him to be he isnt or just refuses to be. I feel like he resents me firstly for having not needed him and now for needing him more than ever.
November 26th, 2011 at 1:56 pm
For the last year and a half I have been the bread winner in the family. My husband has received approximately 6,000 in compensation for part time work from June 2010 to December 2010. With my income we make enough money to keep things afloat, however, it is tight. This is just one of many issues. Every week I have to give him money to go out to eat. He eats out every day and insists on this. Says he has to have his quiet time. I suggested going to the park or some other remote location to achieve this, but it must be a restaurant. When there is not any money for other things it is my fault because I don’t budget properly. Everything financial that has happened to us the past 1.5 years is my fault because I don’t manage money properly. I work 55 hours per week M-F job. He has only done volunteer work the past 1.5 years which has not provided any income. He is part of a co-dependency group and because of that moved out of our bedroom and has began making plans for his future life. He says he has to set up boundaries. When he starts a new job possibly in January, that will be “his” money and it is for savings and to pay off bills. I don’t think that is a poor idea, but he is not going to help us if something happens when we are in need. I am told because he doesn’t have health insurance that I don’t care about him. The premium is $350 a month and we don’t have it in the budget to pay. I am told that he doesn’t matter to anyone and he feels that he is not important because he does not have certain things. He will not even hug me. He has told me he does not like me or love me. But, if I will change, that could change. He does not have friends, has never been very relational with anyone except always trying to save his sister form alcoholism. He has been dismissed from several job positions over the years. He does not get along with people in the work place. He always gets the mentality that his way is right, they are wrong and they don’t know what they are doing. That he should be in charge and he could fix it all. He does have incredible skills to do these things, but always thinks he is better then everyone else. We have not been able to afford counseling, but have previously went to counseling and learned enough about behavioral modification and how to treat one another that we should not be where we are. Counseling is costly where we live and because we cannot afford it, he tells his family that I WON’T go. This is just not the truth. This morning I offered to make everyone breakfast and he said ok, I got ready and came down to make the family breakfast. He had left and has been gone for 3 hours. This is typical on a daily basis. He dominates the television typically on the weekends until there are not any football games to left. During these hours and hours of games I am ignored along with the children who do not really like watching football. If a game is not playing, there is always some sort of car race to fill any void.
When we do talk, he talk about what he is doing or planning. He has always been the one to do most of the talking. A marriage counselor once asked me during session if I felt left out because I don’t ever have a chance to speak. It was refreshing that someone else would notice this at the time. If something goes wrong, even the little things, he is hot headed and snaps back with swearing and blame words. I see my forteen year old behaving in manners like his dad and I know where he has learned this. My husband laughs at suggestive things with my 14 year old that are just not appropriate. The list goes on and on. Any help or insight would be appreciated.
November 26th, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Thank you for this site, appreciate the work you do.
November 28th, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Hi Bonny,
I’ll be straightforward.
Why should he leave? You’ve given him everything he wants including your bed and it’s all for free. All he has to do is be nasty and jerk you around.
He’s a narcissistic, abusive user – an energy vampire – and you’ve invited him into your house. Do you think he’ll change if you give him your house? Haven’t you watched any vampire movies?
As soon as you cut him off from the perks, he’ll split. Of course, he’ll blame on you but who cares what he thinks as long as he leaves. Who cares what he promises? Throw his sorry body out before you lose everything.
If you can’t get any fight from the bubbling spring of hope and power within you, you’re doomed. Don’t give up. See
Are You Defeated by Defeat?
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/01/are-you-defeated-by-defeat/
Stop Bullies: Start Here
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/10/stop-bullies-start-here/
Stop trying to make sense of him so you can appease or please him.
Find love that feels good!
You need expert coaching to get the strength, courage and determination, and to craft a plan that fits you.
Call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543)
Best wishes,
Ben
November 28th, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Hi Joanie,
What a bunch of BS he’s giving you. Don’t buy it.
He’s a narcissistic, selfish, self-indulgent, abusive, bully. There – did I get enough words in or do you want more.
The person who needs to set boundaries is you!
See a lawyer in private and find out what you need to do to protect yourself. Make a plan in secret because as soon as you act, he’ll blame on you and turn nasty and vicious. Oh, he does that already. Okay, he get worse and try to take everything and turn your kids against you.
Stop debating, arguing, reasoning or listening to his reasons, excuses or justifications.
Cut him off and kick him out.
If you don’t act right away your children will use him as an example. Some will become bullies and others will expect to be bullied by their spouses. Set a better example. Teach them that bullied people can stand up and that bullies get their in the end.
Get expert coaching to become strong, courageous and determined, and to develop a plan that can work. Call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
Your children’s futures are calling to you. Your own soul is calling to you.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 1st, 2011 at 5:13 am
Hi ben
I have got free of mine thank God after 4 yrs of abuse ,I could not take it any longer I became sick with the stress he put me through. I do still love him but he loves himself no room for anyone eles. I will never fall again for a mad man.He was always right and I was always wrong..could never please no matter how hard I tried… so ladies leave dont waste your time and health on an abuser you are worth more than that. I am so at peace so worth it to walk away. Yes I am on my own but happy. and after what I have been through its so wonderful . cheers
December 10th, 2011 at 8:10 am
Hi Kathrine,
Sorry this took so long.
Glad you realized what the deal is and got free.
Now, change how and who you’re attracted to so you love someone who loves in a way that feels good.
Learn to recognize bullies on the first date. See the case study of Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Make space on your “isle of song” so a better love can come in. See:
Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/09/vote-selfish-narcissistic-insensitive-people-off-your-isle-of-song/
It’s a big country; find better love.
Coaching through Skype can help you.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 13th, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Hi, Ben,
I just read Joanie’s post above and WOW – her life sounds very similar to mine. I too am married to a know-it-all who doesn’t want to be corrected (he thinks it’s disrespectful) even if he is blatantly wrong, such as about how to pronounce a word, whether a meat is chicken or turkey, etc. He would rather persist in ignorance than have someone correct him. He has been fired from a lot of jobs, too, but he has also quit a lot of them because they “didn’t respect him.” He stopped working about 5 years ago and worked for only 3 months during this whole time! He tried to take classes but got PO’ed at the professor for not “respecting” him – she corrected something he said (isn’t that what the teacher is there for?) and he dropped out of the course. He “holds court” where he tells me about his boring interests for long lengths of time, not noticing or caring that I do not care and am not interested. If I try to talk, he overtalks me and corrects everything I say, trying to make me look stupid.
I am a very well-educated woman and I make good money. I also have two beautiful kids with this man. I am in therapy and am going to speak with a lawyer soon. I’m so afraid, though, that when I leave with the kids, he will make our lives such a living hell that we will never get any peace again. He is the kind of person who might just kill the whole family because he didn’t get his way (does not currently have a gun, thankfully). I tried to leave once before and he BULLIED and intimidated me into coming back, threatening to share some embarrassing information about me with my co-workers and everyone I know. I have to be prepared to lose IT ALL in order to get away from this person and I know it.
I’m writing to let everyone reading this know they’re not alone and to let anyone who is even considering marrying a person you even SUSPECT is a narcissist that they are insane if they do it. If you are dating a narcissist, thank God, your lucky stars or whomever/whatever you worship that you aren’t married and don’t have kids. Oh, by the way, DO NOT under any circumstances have kids with this person! Use proper birth control methods.
I have wasted 10 years of my life and hope I’m still young enough to enjoy life some, enjoy my kids and maybe find someone decent. Thanks, Ben, for your site – it is RIGHT ON and there is much truth in it.
January 13th, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I meant to say…for those of you just “dating” or in a “relationship” with one of these hell-hounds, once you get done being thankful – run, run, run as fast as you can AWAY from the person! They will kill your soul and make you miserable. And no, you cannot change them.
January 20th, 2012 at 5:45 pm
Hi Katie,
Sorry I couldn’t answer sooner.
Thank you for sharing and for being so clear and accurate.
I see two choices:
1. Stay and have no peace or joy now and know that he’ll only get worse the longer you stay and it’ll be harder to leave the longer you stay until you’re too old and tired and beaten down after the kids grow up and leave. By then, you will have wasted your life. And you will have set a bad example for your kids.
2. Leave, take a chance, have courage and determination, secretly get help from law enforcement, safe house women and men, friends and lawyers. I know it’s scary, but this path gives you a good chance for peace and joy. Down the other path, there’s no hope.
Rule of thumb: when you feel intimidated you should have left long ago and you’d better leave now before it gets harder.
I agree, don’t bed these know-it-all control freaks; don’t even go on a 2nd date. If you feel an attraction have your therapist tie you down until that wave of craziness passes.
Of course you’re young enough, but you’re not growing any younger. When you leave, you make free space for someone good to come in.
Be a great model for your kids before it’s too late. Your future calls – no matter what the risk.
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Read the case studies of women breaking free in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Get a coach locally or call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543)
Best wishes,
Ben
January 26th, 2012 at 10:54 am
Thanks, Ben. I am planning to get your book today – I think it will help my kids, too. My 9 year old is already running into the “mean girl” bullies at school, even in 4th grade. I was bullied in school and don’t want her to go through that. I guess that is why I’ve chosen another bully for a spouse. I really wonder what is wrong with men these days – it seems so many of them are selfish, abusive and very childish (wanting to play video games all the time, watching porn, not wanting to work). I really doubt I will ever date after the divorce given the “slim pickins” out there today. Why are so many men like this? Is it being raised by overindulgent mothers, being put up with by well-meaning wives, girlfriends or what? How can we avoid these people like the plague? Thanks for all you do.
Katie
February 1st, 2012 at 10:52 pm
Hi Ben,
My husband and I have been married for almost a year but together for almost three years. We just had a baby last November. I’m not even sure who’s at fault here- him or I, but I wanted an outside opinion. My husband is a police officer and very much an A type personality. I am pretty easy going and very much a people pleaser. When we first met, I lvoed how affectionate he was and his desire to be with me all the time. I also loved how “protective” he was of me. The first two years we were together, I worked at a gym with a lot of men around and went to college as well. I very much had my “own life.” He never liked me working at the gym and was constantly asking me “did anyone talk to me today.. etc. etc.” This was mildly annoying, but I chalked it up to “cute” jealousy. When I got pregnant last year, I decided to leave my job and have been a stay at home wife/now mom ever since. I feel like his controlling nature has become worse since we’ve gotten married and I quit my job. Here’s the thing: he’s not controlling about money or abusive verbally or physically by any means. However, he wants to know every where I go, what I’m doing, and calls me constantly whenever I go anywhere. He says it’s because “he’s worried about me.” It’s annoying!! Even when I’m spending time with my parents he does this. On top of the that, the past few months have been awful due to arguing about my parents. He’s known them and their personalities before we were married, but he insists that they’ve changed and they’ve become more intrusive. He gets upset any time they influence me to do anything (alot of time I do things to make them happy because I love them, we have a very close relationship). Alot of times I just agree with him because I’m sick of talking with him about things. He can talk about issues for DAYS. Finally I just give in, but then regret it and start to resent him. He has just been going off on my parents and refuses to let them babysit our daughter and hates it when I talk to them, etc. He says that I care about their feelings more than his- which I do care about their feelings alot, but I love them! I feel like he’s causing a rift between my parents and I because he can’t control them. My parents are complete opposite of his- and they’re very much involved in our lives. They arent’ perfect, but I don’t care! I just want him to accept them and get over trying to change them. Also, he doens’t want me going anywhere when he’s at work, even to their house. Besides going running with my girlfriends a few times a week in the mornings (when he’s asleep), he does not want me leaving the house. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I need his permission to do things.. I’m ready to pack up and take our daughter.. but I do love him. I feel like he makes nothing easy.. he never just says “yes” to any of my ideas of things I want to do when he’s at work. He would love for me to stay shut in the house and not talk to anyone BUT him when he’s gone.. this is not the life I wanted for myself. He is so manipulative with his words that when we’re discussing something, I end up agreeing with him and later on that day I change my mind because I I feel like I was manipulated from his words. Then when I change my mind with what he discussed, he insists that my parents changed my mind and says that I’m screwing with his head. I feel like I’m going crazy, because everytime we “discuss” something, I end up agreeing with him because of the way he words things, but later on resent him because I changed my mind on what I thought and it causes us to fight. I want my marriage to work, but I am ready to leave because I’m sick of not feeling like an adult in this relationship. He says that I’m ridiculous for feeling this way, because a marriage is about making all our decisions together. If I hear him say one more thing about my parents, I’m going to snap! He doesn’t get it that it doesn’t matter what they do, they’re my parents and I love them. I feel like he’s threatened over our closeness. He feels that when I don’t back him with his issues with him that I’m betraying him and not sticking up for him. I think he’s ridiculous in the things that bother him! Things that bother him, most husbands wouldn’t think twice about it. I feel like one of the reasons he fell in love with him is because I am impressionable and a people pleaser.. I feel taken advantage of. My husband is a great provided and very loving, but these other issues are making me think about leaving him every day. I don’t want this getting any worse. Please help. I know I’m not perfect either.. I just know that what’s going on is not all my fault. I support him on everything he wants to do… I even switched religions for him.. I just want him to chill out on my parents and quit being so protective and controlling when he’s at work and me doing things wouldn’t be taking time away from him.