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Top 10 reasons people form bullying cliques at work
By Ben | February 17, 2009
Bullying cliques (or vicious gangs) are apparent early in life. They’re rampant in junior high school and high school. You can see the same type of behavior perpetuated in the workplace. O, the bullying is more harsh and twisted, and the justifications are more slick, but you can see the same ugly bullies, only in bigger bodies.
What’s been your experience with cliques at work?
What do you think the top reasons are that people gang up on others?
Do women or men do it more – and to whom?
Typical clique behaviors that create a hostile workplace include, but are not limited to:
- Bullying, intimidation and overt physical violence.
- Cutting out and passive-aggressive attacks.
- Harassment (verbal, physical and sexual).
- Belittling, humiliating, demeaning, insulting, sarcastic comments and contempt.
- Backstabbing, gossiping and spreading rumors.
- Negativity, nit-picking, know-it-all, continual criticism.
- Bad reviews and denial of benefits and promotions.
The top ten reasons I’ve seen people form hostile, nasty cliques at work are:
- They’re jealous of other people’s intelligence, talent, skill, potential or success.
- They’re insecure and hate or are threatened and scared by differences and get to feel superior when they disparage other people.
- They use the clique to gain power, promotions and publicity.
- They want to attach themselves to the “in” crowd.
- They feel a thrill at the power of making someone suffer or beg for mercy.
- They feel justified because the victim did something bad to them.
- They feel powerful that they’re in control of punishment and retribution.
- Habits – they grew up that way and don’t know any other way to organize their emotional lives or get what they want.
- Narcissism and arrogance – “I’m the greatest. Kneel before me or feel the whip.”
- It’s human nature.
What are the reasons you see most often?
In another post we’ll go into how to get the coaching you need to stop a clique that’s going after you or a coworker.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book | 25 Comments »
February 24th, 2009 at 11:38 am
[...] Top 10 reasons people form bullying cliques at work [...]
February 5th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Took a job out of college at a non-profit… thought my coworkers were SO COOL at first, everyone within a year or two of my age. Only takes a couple popularity-hungry boys and girls to make the entire experience feel like high school… I feel totally ostracized, but having been a semi-outcast all my life I’m used to it and keep my head high. I feel like they really loathe me and are jealous of me. I try to convince myself they’re jealous (I’m musical, handsome, and highly intelligent) but sometimes it’s hard and I just feel hated on. Part of the problem is I let one of the future clique-leaders seduce me near the beginning of our training week.. big mistake. I dumped her later, as nicely as possible, and that was it. Work at the office is now hell, luckily I teach kids four times a week and that part is amazing! If your coworkers form a stupid high school clique and you’re excluded, there’s not much to do besides laugh at them and pity them… and hold your head up high!
February 6th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Hi Anon,
On the one hand, from what you’ve said, you’re taking the right approach: Since you can’t change the dynamics at work, do the best you can, enjoy what you can and don’t let them get you down.
On the other hand, you might do a little self-analysis. Has this happened before? Are you an outcast or semi-outcast much of the time? Do people often think you’re arrogant?
Have you learned yet how to get many people to respect, admire and follow you as a beloved leader?
You’ll never be sought after by everyone, but you can learn to help a majority look up to you.
That’s what expert coaching is for.
I’m just guessing and asking.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 15th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Hi,
I started a job 4 months ago. I could not put my finger on the behavior. It feels so high school. I was not sure that I was being bullied as there was no direct harrasment. I am totally ostrasized. No one listens if I have something to say. Social plans are made with people and I am not included. There are 2 women that form the “Clique”. They whisper all the time. It is so unnerving. I have gone to my office manager to vent but I don’t want her to speak to these women as I feel it will make the situation worse. I truly don’t know what to do. I hate going to work. To think I left a job where I was on top of the world and loved and respected by my bosses and co-workers. I took this job as a career move.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:42 am
Hi Lynn,
Now you’ve learned to trust your “accurate intuition” – if it feels like high school, there’s a good reason.
Check out the 7 Early Warning Signs of Covert Bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” You’re seeing many of them: cliques, cut-out, ignoring and ostracizing are part of the tactics these bullies use.
You’re stuck by your fears (see the Top Five Reasons People Don’t Stop Bullies). If you don’t want your office manager to act, don’t go to her. But if you do go, you have to make a business case (not an emotional case) for why the manager should act – if the two are always whispering, how much work are they getting done? If they create tension and hostility within the whole team, how does that affect teamwork and productivity?
I assume you’ve tried to “break in” as the new employee but it hasn’t worked. And you’ve asked the two women “What’s going on?”
Are there other people also being cut out? Do other people include you? Has your manager observe them doing this in the past? Does she think that the two are fine?
For now, be super-productive and establish also a reputation as a high character, stellar co-worker and teammate with everyone else.
Good luck,
Ben
February 25th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
I’ve seen (and beared the brunt of) some intense office gossip and bullying, but nothing like where I work now – A group actually went to my boss under the guise of helping their co-worker (my subordinate) and spread a totally false story regarding my relationship with her. My boss actually fed the fire by discussing the situation with her first and adding leading questions. He told the group he would “deal with it” instead of telling any members to come to me. Of course, none of this has ever been told to me directly. My boss finally presented the situation to me (last) and promised the group he’d report back to them. I can’t think of a worse way to handle office gossip…Of course, all relationships have been affected by his actions (especially my attitude). He is a news (pr) person and I actually think he likes the uproar created by this kind of thing.
February 26th, 2010 at 10:39 am
Hi Donna,
I’m sorry you’re in a situation that’s all too common.
People gather in cliques and go behind other people’s backs. Whatever their excuses, it sounds like no one talked to you or your subordinate directly at the beginning.
Often, there’s one person behind the formation of a clique to carry out a personal agenda.
These behaviors are especially prevalent in non-profits, public service organizations and government offices.
Your boss may be like many other people who like uproar. He may also enjoy the role of rescuer-savior. A more accurate word for that role is “meddler.”
For some ideas and methods to deal with the situation, you might check out “How to Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes.”
And I always reality check myself by asking, “Have I been in this situation before? Often?”
Best wishes,
Ben
February 26th, 2010 at 11:09 am
Thank you so much for your response…I think you are right on point when you say the boss likes the rescuer-savior role. I’ve seen that refered to as “munchausen syndrome at work” and see it over and over again. I am just curious..Why do you think (or why have you seen) this behavior so much in non-profits and public service organizations? I work for a large school system in MD. I have been in similar situations at work, but it’s always a certain group of frustrated administrative people (women) where these similar issues have occured (I am a petite female).
February 27th, 2010 at 7:55 am
Hi Donna,
Before I answer, I want to warn you about a path we (me too) typically in our culture: trying to figure out why. As if we think that if we understand why, then we can change their behavior more easily and painlessly. There are many people in the world we won’t be able to change despite all our understanding.
Too often that path takes us away from the need to act. I rarely see that our understanding (mine also) helps us in these situations with those people.
What we need to be doing is seeing if we have any political leverage to force these people to change or to get them fired. How’s that for a strong approach?
I think that these behaviors are especially prevalent in non-profits, public service organizations and government offices because those environments attract and reinforce people who have many false beliefs and ineffective approaches they cling to despite the evidence. And bullies take advantage in order to rise in those environments. For example:
1. They believe that people are basically good and if we all just sat down and had a polite heart-to-heart talk, we could resolve everything easily and sweetly.
2. They believe that people don’t have hidden agendas about turf, control, power and personal vendettas.
3. They can’t believe that women would do nasty things to other women – despite the evidence of junior high school.
4. They are full of conflict-avoidant people who think that if they do nothing or if they agree with everybody, then conflict will go away.
5. They are full of sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing people who get away with it because no one will confront them and fire them.
6. They are full of cowards who don’t want to take a stand because they’re afraid for their jobs.
7. They’re full of people who want to concentrate on their little area (teaching a subject, shuffling some paper) and don’t want to have to deal with distasteful or difficult personal matters.
How’s that for a short list? See “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” for a longer list and discussion. Any others you’ve learned from your experience (which is what counts).
Remember, conflict-avoided managers create hot houses in which bullies thrive.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 11th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
I was recently fired for reasons I feel were basically overexagerated and made up. I have been bullied for the two and a half years that I worked at this place. It has effected my self esteem terribly. I am afraid that I may never want to work in the medical field again. I am a Medical Assistant. People that I thought were my “friends” won’t even speak to me. My supervisor was in it as well. I found out the reason I was fired was something I had nothing to do with at all. It was actually the other medical assistant that is still working there. How do I get past all of this. I consider myself a very hard working person. I am very easy to get along with I just don’t understand. Please advise. Thank you
May 12th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Hi Rhonda,
Tough situation.
First, you might consult with a lawyer to see if you have a claim against them for wrongful termination. Since you don’t know what happened and everyone seems to have ganged up on you, you probably got on the wrong side of a pre-existing group dynamic and didn’t recognize it. Then you were a scapegoat. That’s about them. Even though it feels personal to you, it’s not personal in the sense that it’s their way of attacking anyone in your position.
Second, I’m guessing that if this is a pattern, your being very easy to get along with might mark you out as a victim to predators. For example, see the study of Chuck in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Third, get away and find better people to work with. And learn to recognize the signs and respond effectively right away, so you don’t fall into it again.
You may need a good coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 18th, 2010 at 7:42 am
The worst place for Bullying cliques (or vicious gangs is in the school setting. I am one of two Black male teachers and the last time I raised my voice against the clique I was told (in front of students and teachers) that I was the problem with the school. I was arguing against the preferential treatment that teacher’s kids were getting. I guess after being in the military I have become to much of a stickler that the rules should apply to all, including myself.
September 20th, 2010 at 6:42 am
Hi John,
I’m not there so I don’t know the truth but I’ll respond as if everything you said is absolutely true. That’s easy because, unfortunately, you’re right: schools, including colleges and universities, are full of vicious gangs of bullies among the faculty and administrators. I’ve seen what you describe too many times.
Beware. My experience is that they’re already putting together a file to get rid of you for nitpicky, trumped up reasons. Especially since they criticized you in front of students – a definite sign you’re being set up.
Not only did you make waves, you attacked a sacred cow – the preferential treatment of teachers’ kids. My experience is that there’s no negotiation with educators. Wow, this should get a lot of educator feedback.
Flying low won’t save you and will probably go against your grain and good character.
You’d better get a good lawyer and start your own file in private. Learn what evidence you need and how to document it on your home computer.
You might check out the example of Charlie in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” His employer was out to get him also.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 1st, 2011 at 11:35 am
I have been bullied both at work and at my former church. Why do adults bully other adults? I try to understand and it just doesn’t make sense. I was reading an article on another website that said that victims tend to be bullied because they are “different” and that saying envy is the reason is just an excuse that the victim uses for self-preservation. Sounds kind of like blaming a rape victim to me. If I have qualities that make me a target, I’d like to know what they are so I can change them.
The incident at my former church involved a woman who I was good friends with for 2yrs. before it started. I used to share everything with her. One day, I had received some “good” news about something that was going on in my life and she was the first person I shared it with. After that conversation, she became very hostile and began ignoring me and encouraging others to exclude me at church functions. For example, I would walk into a room and if she was in there she would call the others out of the room leaving me alone. She became very hateful towards me. How could I not have seen that in the previous 2yrs I was friends with her? She seemed so sweet and kind until the end when her attitude changed. I eventually ended up having to leave the church because of this.
February 4th, 2011 at 11:20 am
Hi Stacy,
Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, your experience is all too common.
First – bullies bully because they’re predators. If you look at them that way, you’ll realize that it’s not your fault; it’s theirs.
Bullies bully and they blame it all on the victim (for a thousand reasons) or on the bad stuff that was done to them when they were younger (as if they have no choice). They always have reasons, excuses, blame and justifications. But that’s all nonsense. They bully because they’re bullies. You can’t do therapy on a hyena, so don’t try.
But you can learn to recognize the Early Warning Signs and you can learn to stop them in their tracks. For example, see the case study of Irene in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site. She stopped a bully at church.
As for being blamed, you might look at my last article: “Bullying Spouses won’t be Convinced to Change,” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/02/bullying-spouses-wont-be-convinced-to-change/.
Even though it’s about a different situation, it’ll relate to yours because bullies use the same tactics whether they’re at church or work or …
The biggest qualities you have that make you a target are that you don’t know how to recognize the Early Warning Signs (I’ll bet the woman at church showed some) and you don’t know how to stop them in their tracks. You may need expert coaching to learn.
You may be a target but you don’t have to remain a victim.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 18th, 2011 at 11:22 pm
I talked to my immediate supervisor today and it turns out that we have all been badly manipulated by our company secretary over the past year. My gut feeling that we were being bullied by her is correct. How she could slip uncer the radar over the past 4yrs is beyond me.
She has always presented herself as softspoken, sweet, and kind. This past yr, there was so much conflict in the office. People were at each others throats. We could never pinpoint the exact cause.
We started to suspect she was the cause. several of us started comparing notes. Turned out she was making up horrible lies and twisting communications to turn employees against each other.
For instance, one day she called me and asked me if I had talked to “Mary” our supervisor since that morning. I said “No, I haven’t talked to her in the last few hours but I did see her drive by while I was out on my lunch break.” She said she was wanting to know because she was “worried” about her. She then proceeds to call “mary” after talking to me and says “mary, I just want you to know that Stacey is following you and reporting everything back to me.” Mary then proceeds to call me up and chew me out. I could not figure out why Mary thought I was following her when I just happened to pass by her on the road going to a fast-food restaurant. No big deal, right?
This woman also made up false complaints she said were coming from business clients. We went and talked to these clients and they-everyone of them-denied it. We have had some of these clients e-mail our office explaining the truth.
We have been carefully documenting every conversation and interaction with her and with our clients since then. What we can’t fathom is why she did this? Why did we not catch on for so long? Why,why,why? I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.
Our top boss refuses to admit the truth and thinks she is the most wonderful thing in the world. I haven’t mentioned everything we found out she did because it is so much. We all feel horribly betrayed. She was so slick. She even used to call my house to check on me when I was sick, etc. She seemed so kind.
February 21st, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Hi Stacey,
Thanks, you’ve added number 11: Self-protection from manipulative stealth bullies. I’d been focusing on nasty cliques.
This sounds like a very difficult and all too common situation. I’ll hallucinate (make some guesses) based on what’s most common in these situations.
I’m glad you all finally got together a figured it out. Of course it took a long time. You’re all reasonably honest and straightforward so that woman’s tactics are beyond the scope of “all y’alls” normal behavior. But now you know.
I recommend not bothering about why she does it. Despite our training to ask “Why?” that won’t help you solve it. It’s not like you can say she’s insecure about her job and all you have to do is reassure her and she’ll become aboveboard. She’s so devious and skillful and very practiced at this, I’ll bet she’s been doing it all her life. I’ll be writing an article soon about paying attention to people’s actions, not their reasons, excuses or justifications. She’s probably changed these throughout her life, but her actions haven’t changed.
So what can you do?
1. You have to catch her doing something to the big boss. That will be difficult because she’s probably too clever to do it to him/her. Remember how you each finally saw the truth about her when you heard the lies about you and felt how bad you were being made to look?
2. All of you go together and present the evidence. Often though, since it didn’t happen to the big boss, he/she won’t feel the pain and will try to minimize the problem, say you’re exaggerating or explain away her behavior while blaming on you all.
3. Be sneaky and set her up so you can catch her. This will be difficult because you won’t want to be sneaky and she’s better at it than you are.
4. Stick it out. Keep checking with each other without her knowing. Isolate her. Keep documenting and hope you can catch her with a “smoking gun” or make a business case to the big boss (clients have been lost because of her).
5. Choose to leave.
Stealth bullies are the most difficult to stop because they’re so sneaky it’s hard to get evidence so it’s hard to prove your case.
You may need an expert coach to sort through the details to see if there’s some evidence that the big boss will believe.
Hang in.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 2nd, 2011 at 10:35 am
Hi Ben, great website.
I’m having a problem with the department I manage at work. There are 3 women and 2 men in a call center, and the 3 women have ganged up on one of the guys, the guy who happens to be doing a great job and will be promoted soon. I think this started when MY manager contacted one of my employees and asked her if she felt like there was a clique among the older members of our company (those who have been here longer, as he was new to us too). Since then, it seems as if she has formed her own clique, her and these other two ladies, against this one coworker and also against what she now sees as the management clique. As far as I can tell, there is no “management clique,” we simply promote people who do good jobs and try to make the best decisions for our company. I’m thinking they must feel threatened because our department has undergone a lot of change lately and because this new guy is doing so well. My manager, the meddler, is gone now, but I’m left to try to clean up the mess that he stirred up. The one I see as the leader comes across as a very sweet woman, and I’ve never seen or heard her outright say anything vicious or mean. But I know she must be quietly whispering negative thoughts into the ears of her clique members. When I have talked to her about it, she’s all excuses– she thinks we don’t appreciate her enough, and it makes her sad, she thinks other people get promoted over her, she’s having a hard time at home because she’s recently a single mom and her ex is bi-polar, etc etc. But instead of coming to me or any other management to try to fix what she sees as problems at work, it seems that she’s just complaining to the other two, poisoning their thoughts, and now I am worried now they are too far gone to save as well. We’re such a small company, turn over really takes a toll on us. I can’t figure out how to fix this since it all seems to happen in the shadows. Help! What do I do next? I feel like bringing them in one by one and shaking them until I get the truth!
March 4th, 2011 at 1:13 am
I wrote above comment on Feb.18 about our company secretary. You mentioned that we would have to catch her doing something to the big boss. Well, I think it may have happened. A few weeks ago he ordered pay increases for some employees and also increased their company travel gas allowances to keep up with rising gas prices. This past week he found out that even though she told him she had done all of that, none of the employees had noticed any increases on their paychecks. He ordered this done about 2 months ago. Is there any way to find out where these funds are going without being real obvious about it? We suspect she may be pocketing the money. We don’t want to tip her off about our suspicions.
March 7th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Hi Stacey,
Good for you. Embezzling is a real “smoking gun.”
But in this situation, with so much on the line, we have to be careful and make a plan that fits you and your situation in this company.
That requires individual coaching so I can get the details – otherwise we might make a serious mistake. People like yourself have gotten a lot from phone coaching and I accept most credit cards and PayPal.
Let’s set up a time – 303-458-616.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 7th, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Hi Scott,
Tough problem…and I think you’ll have to end up making waves even though it’s a small company and you don’t want to.
There’s a tendency to assume that if we knew the psychoanalysis of a bully we could calm their insecurities or fears or give them what they want and then they’d stop bullying. They’d be able to control their emotions and they’d behave civilly. That’s not true with real bullies. Real bullies are relentless.
So you might try, or probably have tried, to calm the fears of the person you’re talking about. If that doesn’t work you have to treat her like a relentless bully and take steps through evaluations of behavior that have real consequences. That means that you have to describe the behavior in behavioral terms – what would you see and hear if you were watching a movie of it. No comments on character, identity, motives or intentions.
You’ll have to evaluate your whole team using the same process, including the two collaborators.
Individual coaching is usually necessary because we have to design a plan that your bosses will accept and maybe even plan what they’ll do when the people go over your head.
People like yourself have gotten a lot from phone coaching and I accept most credit cards and PayPal.
Call me at 303-458-6616.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 22nd, 2011 at 10:26 am
a person can only take so much of people dung. Grow up! How the heck are you all treating your kids? Amazing how people just follow hatred like it’s nothing. UNBEARABLE!!!!!!
bully survivor – high school, adult life, work life & internet. I stand up & speak out!
March 24th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Hi Jennifer,
Good for you.
People need to give themselves permission to stand up. Then give themselves the commandment to stand up. Then learn to be skillful.
That’s why I used the subtitle of “How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” for the book, “Bullies Below the Radar”
I’m so glad you did.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 1st, 2011 at 7:03 am
Hi ben,
I began working for a company that owns three shops. I’ve worked in all three but mainly shops L and W. We had problems with them bullying me before. Though I was not the one who relayed what was going on, The boss addressed it and they threw a fit. I had never had any issues with attention to detail until I had am extremely painful death in the family. I will admit that I started to slack but not one of them came to me about it, a couple of comments were made just to ask to make sure it was done next time astound and I agreed. I later found out that shop L got together and wrote a nasty critique about me following with comments to have me terminated. I’ve been feeling heart broken because the entire critique was written by a fellow counter person and only one or two of these issues was brought to my attention. The owner of the company had worked with me on many occasions and never had any of the problems described. How do I go about handling this?
Stephanee
December 10th, 2011 at 8:18 am
Hi Stephanee,
Sorry this took so long.
Glad you realized what the deal is. And I’ll be straightforward.
1. I’m sorry about the painful death but you need to get over it (that does not mean forget and move on) so you can work good again.
2. Then you can get clear what your goals are with the company, owners and co-workers.
3. There are a lot of variables so we need to design a plan that fits you and the situation.
For expert coaching both to get you moving forward again and also to create an effective plan, call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543) so we can set up an appointment.
Best wishes,
Ben