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A narcissistic, stealth bullying boyfriend justifies his internet porn
By Ben | February 10, 2009
Julie (late 30’s) had been living with Harry (also late 30’s) for 6 months when she discovered that he often snuck off to his computer room in the middle of the night to look at internet porn. They both have good jobs and Julie says the sex is good, so what’s with Harry?
Harry says that there’s no problem; it’s perfectly normal and it’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect how he feels about her; it’s on his own time and there’s no reason for him to stop. She shouldn’t be so judgmental.
Julie can’t find a good reason to justify her dislike of it, but she’s concerned about where it might lead.
What would you do?
Julie shouldn’t debate about what’s normal or try to convince Harry that her feelings should matter.
She should see clearly what’s ahead and get out of there. She has already gotten her gut response to the question, “Do I want to be with someone who leaves our bed and sneaks off to look at porn?” She should trust her gut response of “No.” Her feelings are sufficient for her to act; she doesn’t have to convince him she’s reasonable or right.
She may be getting along well with Harry now, but in addition to dealing with a person who leaves their bed to look at internet porn, she’s also dealing with a narcissistic, covert, stealthy bullying boyfriend.
When there are problems or pressure in the relationship, he’ll choose porn over her. He’ll withdraw from the difficulties of face-to-face intimacy and turn to virtual, not real, reality. Later, as a stealth bully, he’ll get blaming, manipulative and demanding. He’ll try to make her feelings sound wrong, old fashioned and uncaring. He’ll claim that his porn habit is her fault. He’ll say that she should stop nagging and trying to guilt-trip him. If she only gave him what he needed, he’d stop. But no matter what she does, it’ll never be exactly right or it’ll never be enough for him.
Why do I predict that? Experience as a coach and therapist. I’ve seen it over and over. And it also happened in this example.
Julie should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments. She’s never going to change him. Later responsibilities as a husband and father won’t change him. He’s a bullying, narcissistic control-freak who’s addicted to porn. She doesn’t need to convince him that he needs therapy to end his addiction. She should get the coaching she needs to get away as fast as she can.
Julie needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”). She also needs counseling to get past her fear that Harry is right; if he leaves, she’ll never find anyone else. She should ignore her self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like her, that tells her that Harry might be right.
She needs to start living the life she wants to lead. Just like Lucy in case study # 14 of my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in. The longer she goes on Harry’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off. Does she want to settle for Harry as the best she’ll ever get? Does she want the pain?
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, Stop Bullies CD | 12 Comments »
June 7th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Wow. Wish you’d been around to advise me about 20 years ago before I married a guy who did the same thing.
June 7th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I hope he straightened out or you’re no longer wasting your time with him.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 26th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Great feedback. I grew up in a Narcisstic family, which has screwed up my ability to be intimate. Try 12 steps CODA and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous to see why you attract this in and how to reclaim your mind from their control
July 26th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Hi Lou,
Thanks for the comment. Good suggestions.
I think there are generally two stages in growing 8up.
1. Getting away physically and becoming physically and economically independent.
2. Getting away emotionally and spiritually, and becoming your own person. Not doing what they want, not reacting to what they did to you and not doing the opposite of what they want. But doing what your spirit yearns to do for your greatest Self. That’s the reclamation process you’re talking about.
That takes dedication, perseverance and a good coach-guide.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
June 2nd, 2010 at 11:21 pm
He’s a bully because he looks at porn? Maybe sex with julie isn’t as good as julie thinks it is. Maybe julie is a cold, manipulative bitch, and harry likes porn because it isn’t going to act like it’s a favor from god himself to get laid. 2 sides to every story, and this one is BS.
June 4th, 2010 at 8:22 am
Hi Chuck,
Wow. I see that this hit home for you.
I’m not speculating here about what might be or could be. I’m not dwelling in abstraction-land. This was a case study. I know these people.
1. The major point is not that he was a bully because he looked at porn. It’s that he tried to twist her arm to make it okay with her. He didn’t say, for example, “This relationship isn’t satisfying me; the sex isn’t good enough. Let’s part ways and go looking for relationships that satisfy.” He tried to bully her into submission. For him, this part of the relationship, like every part of the relationship was all about him
2. By the way, after she left him, he did continue with his addiction to porn and moved on to child porn. It had nothing to do with an unsatisfying relationship with her.
That said; I will take a stand. The potential in fabulous human relationships is much greater than the potential in porn. Yup. I’m judgmental … and discerning. There it is.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 12th, 2010 at 11:35 am
Hi Ben,
Chuck sounds like my ex. He did the same thing and ended up molesting children (mine) when I was at work. The man is on his 5th marriage & married to an insecure woman, again. They all seem to follow the same pattern. I’ve met a lot of women with the same stories, but different men. Maybe Chuck should take another look in the mirror.
C.J.
August 14th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Hi CJ,
Glad you got away and sorry that it cost your children.
Yes, too often there’s a connection between the porn and the molesting of children.
Predators rarely look in the mirror. Don’t believe their promises. Your best solution is not to debate but to get many, many miles away.
See the study in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” about what Alicia chose to do in a different situation with a predator.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 5th, 2011 at 10:57 am
Great advice for Julie. Always trust your instincts. This relationship from the outside seems empty and I see the manipulative behavior that I also ignored in my husband. He also used porn to excess and tried to justify his compulsion and avoidance of sexual intimacy with the old excuse that every man did it. How it was easier and faster, while I cried, begged and initiated sex and got turned down time after time. I hope that Julie figured out what she was in for and left that unhealthy situation. Healthy relationships don’t look like this. I only wish that I heeded the red flags. A person who sneaks away to look at porn instead of confiding in their partner is immature and has issues with control. Find someone who is going to treat you as an equal partner.
March 7th, 2011 at 10:05 pm
Hi JW,
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Sounds like you finally got away – good for you!
We each get to set the behavioral standards in our environments. It’s that simple. No arguments or debates about what’s “right,” “normal” or “healthy.” We don’t need the other person’s permission or agreement.
Just say “No” to that and “Yes” to this.
In the areas that matter most to us there’s no negotiation. If they won’t do what you need, if they do what you won’t tolerate – vote them off your island! Period!
See the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 26th, 2012 at 11:00 am
I used to work with a woman whose husband would not come to bed with her at night, he instead stayed up watching porn. She later found condoms in his wallet (they did not use them together) and still wondered if she should leave him. They had three little kids and she felt stuck. I can tell anyone that if he is complusively looking at porn, then it will lead to worse things. He will eventually need “more” to get excited so it will lead to using prostitutes, affairs and even to child porn/molestation. There is nothing good about porn – it’s a human rights issue. If I could catch my husband looking at porn (I suspect him but he cleans the computer), I’d consider it cheating and leave. Don’t tolerate this immature “boys will be boys” attitude – dump the porn addict ASAP.
January 30th, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Hi Katie,
I don’t focus on the porn evidence as an excuse or motivation for you to act.
What is there about your situation, your interactions with him that offends your soul – and body, mind and heart? These are the issues to solve or get him gone.
“Examine all that you have been told … Dismiss what insults your soul.” Walt Whitman
“Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore
See:
Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
Since all situations are different, you can get the strength, courage, determination and skill you need from phone or Skype coaching. Please, find someone locally or call me at 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543) or email me to schedule.
Best wishes,
Ben