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7 Signs of narcissistic control-freaks
By Ben | February 5, 2009
Narcissistic control-freaks rule! They think.
Some narcissistic personalities are so over the top that it’s easy to detect them. You’ll follow your gut reaction and get away as fast as you can.
But watch out. If you’re not careful, stealthy narcissists will take over your life – at home, in relationships, at work. Are you sure you can detect the stealthy ones?
Seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists are:
- They think they know best about everything. They know what’s best for you; just ask them. They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say. They point out all your mistakes and failings. They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can. They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses. Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.
- Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along. Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago. You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.
- They think they don’t have anything to learn. They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well. They’re nit-picking, micro-managers. They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best. They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly. They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.
- They’re more important than you are. Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world. Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter. Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge. Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions. Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want. They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands. Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).
- Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them. They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on. Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy. You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.
- Their excuses, excuse. Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do. If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil. Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred. Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do. They’re saints in their own minds. You’d better agree or else.
- Their rules, rule. They know how the world should be and how people should act. They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules. If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem. They are virtuous and righteous. They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that you give in.
In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time. Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up. They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.
Take a look at yourself: What attracts you to someone who is sure they’re important, they’re right and your life would be better if you do what they say or if you serve them?
Kind-hearted therapy-junkies in families or in the workplace think they can convert these selfish, self-absorbed bullies by loving them enough, by appeasing them or by educating them. Forget it.
You’re never going to change them. They’re bullying, control-freaks. Get the coaching you need to get away as fast as you can. You don’t need their direction. Don’t ask for or even allow them to give their opinions. Make your own mistakes and create your own successes.
Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that narcissists might be right. If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.
As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” “Bullies Below the Radar” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies, including narcissistic personalities, are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same. That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them. If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Hostile Workplace, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, Stop Bullies CD | 47 Comments »
February 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
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[...] 7 Signs of narcissistic control-freaks [...]
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August 16th, 2010 at 4:55 am
I’m grateful for your blog, my family is toxic your article on narcissistic control freaks describes my mother perfectly. My Dad also is a bully who has disowned me many times, he disapproves of my whole existence, the best he has come up with is I don’t have a proper job – I have never worked out what a proper job is! My older brother is often dragged in to bully me to get me to put up with their abuse which includes threats of violence (even towards my husband and baby) verbal abuse – I’m useless and will never amount to anything and I was an evil child etc.
The last onslaught (where I felt obliged to holiday with them) was the last time and we left – I was made to feel ashamed for “running away”. This was not the first time I have attempted to set boundaries and say no to their toxic behaviour.
Then they even attempted to force me to talk to them again after several months of no contact via email as “that what families do”. This only resulted in nasty emails back and forth between my husband attempting to protect me and defend himself and my brother and parents. I sent an email saying lets lead separate lives. My Mum continued to send emails insisting we must be friends I never replied.
I have been in counselling since and feel I’m building my self esteem and I value myself. However I still fear them I have attempted to set boundaries they never respect them and when they turned up they are always abusive with extreme rage. I fear their rage and my counsellor is attempting to dismantle this fear to see them as human to enable family relationships again.
I’m not sure this is wise? I’m happy to not fear them any more in fact I would be grateful however I don’t trust that they will not start again or worse be abusive to my child. Is it wise to attempt having them in our lives? I’m starting to let go of the unfounded guilt (brought up Catholic) I feel I’m in conflict with my counsellors intentions? I want to feel happy, confident and safe, dealing with my parents again never evokes this!
Thanks for you blog is it a great help.
August 29th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Hi Egg,
Good for you for deciding to get away.
You’ll never set behavioral boundaries with predators – in the sense of getting them to change their behaviors. Predators don’t change. They just keep preying on you and telling you that it’s your duty to be easier to catch and destroy.
Don’t talk to them again – all of them. Don’t email them again. Don’t look at email from them again. Change your email address or have their emails go directly into a “junk” folder.
You don’t need their approval or permission. Hyenas never give you permission to get away. You simply have to get away.
If they turn up, don’t open the door, don’t talk with them but do call the police. Get a restraining order.
Never, never, never argue or debate with them. Could you convince a hyena to stop attacking you? Hyenas will even eat the young cubs of lions if they have a chance.
Your counselor is wrong. Use your fear to get skilled at stopping them and getting them off your island. Get as much physical distance as you came between you and them.
You need to protect your husband and child from predators. Get away from them and you will feel strong, courageous and self-confident. Your self-esteem will soar as your life gets better.
Read the studies of Kathy, Carrie, Doug, and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”.
Call me for coaching so you can develop the strength, courage and determination you need, and we can also create a plan that fits you.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 20th, 2010 at 12:49 am
I have gone to 24years of therapy to be able to deal with the damage of having two parents with narssasistic personality disorder with controlling features. Frankly I thought I was responsible for everything that went wrong and was afraid to move. I was a cheerleader and I remember my mom saying to me, “Why are you cheering louder than Lynn, you don’t want to make a scene do you?”. I was just cheerig. She was always very jelous of me too. Constantly picking me apart and still would if I let her. No one could have attention but her. You all know the drill. She did not like the attention I was paid by others so she simply would not come to any of my events. She left my brother and I when we were 16 and 17 respectively to move to another state when she got remarried and we were not welcome. She needed to live her life now. WHAT? True story and our father had been out of our lives at that point for over 8yrs. because he adopted his wifes children and stopped seeing us. When I was much older and had my own family I was still of course trying to win my mother’s love. I was ill and had to go to the hospital for several months. What a huge mistake. I left me children their with a governess I paid for. All my mother did was complain. How this was a huge inconvience for her etc… I have a life threatning disease and was very ill,,,not off in Bermuda with my boyfriend. When I picked up my kids I could have died. All my son could say was I’m sorry, I’m sorry, and my daughter felt she was responsible for everything that happened wrong in the house. My mother also told them that I was faking it, that this was a huge imposition for her, that she might have heart trouble after this (she was fine), and I didn’t love or want them, that I went their to get away from them.
I finally separted from her and have only spoken by phone to her three times since then. That was five years ago. What did Dr. Laura say, You want to get your kids a pet, like a soft bunny or a cuddly cat, not an alligator! Both my parents are toxic and full of hystrionics. Both cruel in their own way. I am 45 now and know it is not me, it is them. I can say that with confidence and mean it. That took along time and alot of counseling. Thank you for listening. I asked my father once why did you have me if you had no realy intention of raising me or wanting me. He said I was drunk and newly married to your mother and we did it in the back seat of my car. Thats the truth of the matter. He told me in the same conversation that he replaced my brother and I with his wife’s children and that is just the way it is. On the outside he is well liked, has always had a high powered job with race horses, owns huge homes where we are not welcome. By the way I am not welcome to my mother’s home either. I am a nice person. Put myself through school. Have a great life. When I could not work and send money anymore to my mother and buy expensive gifs, they all got angry and I wasn’t welcome. She always told me she never had any money. When I moved from the west coast to the east coast to be close to her so she could see her gradchildren. She told me three months later she was moving out of state because of me and that she did not want to share her husband with me and the children. We get along with him very well. So she sold their house of twenty-six years and moved so we could not be close to him. What do you think of all that. As you can imagine that just touches the surface. I think taking them out of my life was the best decision I have ever made. They kind of took me out of theirs first actually.
J
September 27th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
Hi Jeian,
Well done. And thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure it touches home with lots of people.
You’ve done what I think of as the first step in becoming an independent adult – leaving home physically and, in your case, since you have toxic, narcissistic parents, not having any contact with them.
Now the second step which you’re working on – getting them out of your head. That way they take up very little room in our lives. We don’t have a running dialog with them in our heads. We don’t over-react to what’s happening because it reminds us of them. Instead, we deal with today’s situations as todays. We fill our mental and emotional worlds with today’s doings.
Of course you’ll convince your children that their grandmother was crazy ad everything she told hem was false. They were not responsible for your problems.
You might also check out blog posts:
Stop Toxic Parents and Grandparents: Shine a Light
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/02/16/stop-toxic-parents-and-grandparents-shine-a-light/
You can care too much about winning your parents’ approval
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/28/you-can-care-too-much-about-winning-your-parents%e2%80%99-approval/
Getting over parents who wound their children
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35
Best wishes,
Ben
September 28th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
[...] the law suits and blogs. Ask the teachers, doctors and lawyers you know personally. Ask about arrogant, narcissistic, abusive control-freaks. How do teachers bully other [...]
October 16th, 2010 at 5:16 am
Hi,
my name is Miriam and I suffer the consequences of a relationship with a narcisstic Psychopath. My life has been a living hell since several years and after i ignored the deathcall he gave me to my family and left him no matter what he started to stalk me. I left February 2009 and the stalking continues since then and left a huge finacial demage on my side. The police and my lawyer are helpless as I am, as the situation in switzerland is different to the states. This soft law situation is quite fustrating.
I got raped while I was sleeping, punished for every success I had, systematicly my sleep was disturbed, my holidys made to hell, my family got terrorized, my friends got terroriezed, my workplace got terrorized, I had telephone stalking, cyber stalking, several demages on my car and all that becaus his intelligence was not above mine, all because I was strong, beautiful and succesfull and he was not.
I’m in therapy for a full repair, I lost my self esteam, I lost the positive way of looking at my life, I feel and look like a mass…..
Even if I learned a lot by now, helped myself as good as possile I’m so scared to let people (especially man) back into my life. I mistrust everybody and the consequent loss of controlle made me turn arround and search for controlle in my life to get back on track. It helped in the first months and now I try to let go cause life is not controllable and I don’t want to end up as a controll freak, need my time for better things.
By now I can deal better with his attacks, cause I got emotional distance, but the anger I feel when he interacts distructive is I think normal. My Social enviroment suffered badly, some people I hade to ignore that they don’t get involved for their own security, but it’s not the best way I will lose my friends and social stability like this.
The lates attacks where on my car, computer and telephone. I did everything to save my personal data over the last two years but her I do not have controlle, I know it, I deal with it but how long do I have to stand this attacks. I’m not able to work 100% anymore, I’m eshausted – burnd out, I spent 60 000,- US$ by now to repair demage and it is so frustrating as I see no end and no help of justice.
I ignore him since Feb 2009, no talking, no opening of the door, no emails…but it doesn’t stop. Sometimes I wish he would have a bad accident with the car or get very sick – and then I feel so ashamed to think something like this for the first time in my life.
I know it’s normal and good for my mental health – part of the process – all this is just so negativ and poissoning my funny, life loving side of me. I’m tired to be angry, tired to be sad, tired to get demaged, tired of fighting for my existance, tired of beeing tiered and burd out.
I wish so much to get my energy back, for all the beautifull things life has to offer and thatfore I must get rid of that guy. But how – ignoring did not help. Do you have an idea whatelse I could do, without loosing my social network what holds me and givs me strength.
Kind regards
October 18th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Hi Miriam,
I’m sorry but I think you’re stuck for the immediate future since you can’t get help from the law or police.
All tactics depend on the specifics of the situation. You will probably have to be very tricky like Alicia was in getting away from a killer in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”. I don’t man that you should do what she did, but that you should be that clever and tactical.
You’re right: Begin your life again as best you can and keep your friends. You may have to figure out how to get help pushing back. Yes, that runs the risk of him escalating, but he’ll ruin your life anyway unless he’s stopped. Sometimes it takes a bigger, stronger, scarier man to drive off someone who thinks he’s invulnerable and can enjoy tormenting and torturing you. I’ve never seen being nice and submissive changing predators in these situations.
You may have to get thousands of miles away to a country in which the law will protect you.
Good luck,
Ben
November 27th, 2010 at 3:01 am
I was married to a narcissistic man. I have been in court for the last 7 years since my divorce. Does anyone know how to stop the courtroom stalking. I have lost everything, my house, cars, jobs, my daughter and privacy. Please let me know if anyone has any suggestions.
November 29th, 2010 at 10:29 pm
Hi Marie,
Unfortunately, that’s typical.
You need a better lawyer. I hope it’s not too late.
And plenty of distance.
And maybe a change of life-style if your ex has some “goods” on you.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 2nd, 2011 at 10:20 pm
My son just married a controlling narcissistic person. He has always been very close to his family. She has him so brain washed we don’t even know who he is anymore. The disrespect she show our family is unexceptable. I don’t know how to make him see what is going on right in front of his eyes. He is a great guy and I am having a very hard time letting him fall. Can someone help me. He won’t even talk to anyone of us in the entire family. He yelled at his 78 year old grandmother. Something he would have never done before he met her. HELP! My heart is breaking.
January 9th, 2011 at 7:50 am
Hello Ben.
I found your article while looking for inforamtion about controlling, oppressing, micro-managing bosses. I’ve been having problems for years with my supervisor and another co-worker, well there’s really a third but she’s the lesser of the evils. And in the very near future (this week I think – no date set yet) I’m supposed to have a meeting with this supervisor to discuss my concerns so I wanted some ammunition that describes her behavior because I’ve already discussed my concerns many times and she refuses to listen and says I “have an excuse for everything”. I’m an insurance agent/account maanger and I have four to five times as many accounts as anyone else and since I’m both the agent and account manager I have twice as much responsibility (most accounts have separate agents and account managers). This supervisor is constantly critisizing me, she asks why I didn’t do something or do it within a certain time frame and when I try to explain she cuts me off and is nasty and accusatory, when I come up with ideas to make the team or the company more efficient she tells me it’s not needed or isn’t how the company works and then when someone else comes up with the same idea she thinks it’s the best idea ever. She gossips with the employees on our team about each of us, and constantly makes snide remarks, especially about my health because I was born with an auto-immune disease and I’m sick a lot. She says my illness is a burden but she’s actually out of the office 66% more than I am (I actually checked our calendar for each year that I’ve been with the company and caluclated). She fits every description you give here, and she accuses me of some of them – like thinking I know everything, but the difference is I can present concrete proof. It’s so frustrating working under someone like her, but the work I do is ideal for me and I love that it’s pretty autonomous because in insurance sales you tend to run into people who will do anything to make a sale and I can’t work under people like that – I lost a job once because I refused to do something that could cost me my license.
Also, both of my parents are extremely narcissistic and so is my older sister. All three of them have told lies about me my whole life intending to make people dislike and distrust me and also to gain sympathy for themselves. My sister is still doing it and it’s affecting my relationship with family members, including my younger sisters who I love very much, but haven’t seen in over ten years because my mother kicked me out while I was in high school and threatened to call the police if I came anywhere near them. All they and the rest of the family have heard is the lies they tell about me. It’s been really distressing for me and caused me to be paranoid about how my family thinks of me – especially because my sister sent me some nasty messages on facebook in the spring and told me what a horrible person I was and how I had ruined her life, she also said my entire family hated me and all came to my mother and her after I left new jersey and said they were sorry for not believing I was as bad as I was and that they hope I never go back to new jersey. I hadn’t even talked to my sister in something like 8 or 9 years and she just started sending these messages. Sorry I’m venting here…. it’s justa relief for me to read this and be able to say to myself “yes, that’s what they do”, even if I lose my conviction later on I get a few minutes of personal peace! By the way I don’t speak to my mother or father, or sister, but I’m stuck with the supervisor because the economy makes it unsafe to leave my job. I almost forgot to mention – when someone does something to me she always tells me it’s my fault and I need to be less sensitive – I’ve even had someone physically accost me and the supervisor told me to apologize to her for upsetting her!
January 18th, 2011 at 8:24 am
Hi Karen,
Sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to you.
Also, that you’re going to have a broken heart for years – until he’s strong enough to break free. I assume you’ve tried building bridges with his wife and she’s rejected the overture.
You know the old sayings about a man cleaving to his wife. Sounds like this one will drag him down.
Typically, you can’t make him see. He has to see on his own. If you push on him, he’ll push you away. All you can do s bite your tongue and be as sweet as you can for as long as you can and hope he comes to his senses.
Or you have to have positive evidence that would stand up in court of something terrible she’s done. A “smoking gun.”
I hope he does before they have children. Once they have children, it’ll be harder for him to break away.
So there’s suffering and prayer and tears.
You probably need expert coaching to maintain your strength, courage and perseverance through this painful time.
Good luck and I hope he wakes up,
Ben
January 19th, 2011 at 7:49 am
Hi Heather
You sound like you have two separate situations with maybe the same underlying pattern going on.
At work: fly low until you can find a big boss who believes you and will take your side. Be the most productive employee ever. Document everything (behavior as exactly as you can remember it) on your home computer. Find a lawyer outside the company who’ll teach you what you need to know to make a case against your supervisor.
Get an expert coach to help you maintain and improve your courage, strength and perseverance.
With your family: you can decide to present your side to see if anyone will agree. Probably you’ll get attacked forever. Bullies always feel justified in doing what they want like attacking you in public on Facebook. I don’t think there’s any middle ground so the other choice is walk away. Start a new life. Don’t engage, debate, argue, discuss or justify.
Empty your space of bullies, abusers and predators so you can fill it slowly with people who like and respect and admire you. That’s hard but often the only way to have a future. Create a family of your heart and spirit since the family of blood isn’t your real family.
Get help to stay on track.
See the case studies of Kathy, Carrie, Doug and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 2nd, 2011 at 11:00 pm
[...] the money they earn. They’re always surprised that their good arguments don’t convince these control-freaks and bullies to change their [...]
February 21st, 2011 at 10:53 am
[...] bullies – relentless, narcissistic control-freaks; mean, nasty, emotional manipulators and blackmailers; taunting, harassing, abusive predators – [...]
May 22nd, 2011 at 10:00 pm
[...] people still feel like children when their parents boss, belittle, criticize, demean, blame, shame, bully, abuse and guilt-trip them. The now-adult children still feel afraid, just like they did years [...]
May 31st, 2011 at 11:17 pm
For # 14…I divorced an N. 11 years ago. After the divorce he got more abusive, because he said his intentions were “to ruin your life.” He tried putting nonsense through attorneys and did this to make himself look threatening to me. This is my suggestion and what I had to do. These Narcissistic people need to make you live in fear, so they try to use the court system for all kinds of things that are just harrassment…they are not legal issues at all. So, when you allow them to put things through court, they know that your money will all go towards protecting yourself, paying court fees and attorney fees.
I was very aware of that, as I worked for attorneys earlier in my life. So, this is what I did. He would have his attorney write to my attorney with false accusations saying I owed him some money, or he wanted something from me. So, each time I knew it was just harrassment, and not a legal issue….I asked my attorney not to handle it and I myself wrote letters to HIS ATTORNEY. I also pointed out to his attorney that I find it strange that he was allowing his client to make attempts to harrass me constantly, and charging his client $125.00 an hour, and at the same time he’s an attorney and knows these matters are not legal issues. I also filed a complaint with the Supreme Courts division for Attorney’s licenses and complained that harrassment I was getting from his attorney were not legal matters at all, and something needed to be done. His attorney finally quit representing my ex….then he got a new attorney and tried it again, and again I let them know that these matters were not legal issues at all, and I would not pay an attorney to handle them. I would simply file charges for harrassment.
That did help, but it sure was tiring putting up with “What’s next.”….and at times I felt so sick of dealing with this man. It’s been 11 years after the divorce, and still I see the problems come through my adult children, and you can just hear it….his name is all over their ideas and comments, and they also try to bully me alot.
So, it’s a good idea to know what it takes to protect yourself, never defend yourself, never argue with them…just walk away. The one thing a Bully type does not like to see is their victim finally be happy….gets to them so badly. Still…that’s your goal because we all deserve to be happy and live in peace.
Also…I’m a Christian and I studied the Bible to learn exactly how God does help our lives, and I have to say….I’m blessed and God has done wonderful things in my life. My biggest thing to study was “the promises God makes to us through Christ.” I had to know all about that…passionate about learning as much as I could, and I have to say….just pray. Respect and Love our God, and Christ our brother and God’s Son that died for us, and God will pour out the flood gates of heaven to you. God is opposed to the way Bullies behave, so Christ died for your protection from evil…BELIEVE IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART, and it will be demonstrated to you by God.
Bullies don’t like God too much….they want to be God, and they never will be. God is on yourside, always, now and forever….
Me
June 2nd, 2011 at 10:17 am
Hi Jackie,
So glad you got away. You’re an inspiration.
Sometime the kids finally get it when they grow much older, have their own kids and se how they’re treated by him. I hope at last one does.
And I agree, “The one thing a Bully type does not like to see is their victim finally be happy.”
Go be happy. Create a wonderful life for yourself. That’s the best model you can offer your kids.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 26th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
[...] Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists: [...]
August 1st, 2011 at 2:32 am
I had a friend who was expert at hiding her extreme narcissism – but she could not hide her competitiveness. It was there, under the surface, every time I interacted with her. I felt uncomfortable, but put up with it. Eventually I started to rebel against her controlling behaviour, and she dumped me, hahaha.
August 1st, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Hi Mish,
Glad she dumped you so you don’t have to put up with it any more. Now that you have space, you can fill it with better friends.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 5th, 2011 at 8:53 pm
watch out for someone that frequently tells ridiculous lies, contradicts themselves and then denies it, and tells people different stories about the same thing too. Along with a standard response to being challenged- if they have a stock answer to it like a broken record- ‘believe what you want’ ‘im not like that’ ‘how can you think i would do that’ etc. If they find a way to limit your exposure to other people that know them- especially ‘friends’ of their sexually preferred gender beware. You will eventually not make them feel as special as they have a right to feel so they will top up their narcisistic supply elsewhere and of course it will be your fault in their eyes. also if they advise that friends might tell you things about them and things they have done which aren’t true.
recently left someone with a narcisitic personality disorder. Try not to feel too bad for being suckered- im a social worker who thought they had extensive experience of mental illness and personality disorders and vanda drew me in because of where i was at mentally at the time. If you are feeling low just don’t enter into a relationship with anyone. If there is a narcistist floating around anywhere near you they will pick up on it.
I was unfortunate to end up with one but fortunate enough to realise what she was and end it- but watch your back if you do end it- you are taking a course of action at variance with their belief that they are special. Vanda told people i was threatening and harassing her and that i was controlling and abusive so she must then have inferred she ended it to maintain her special status in the eyes of others. Ended up getting a solicitor involved in the end. Warn people you know before you do end it because hell hath no fury like a narcisitist scorned.
August 11th, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Hi Donnacht,
You are the accurate voice of experience:
“If you are feeling low just don’t enter into a relationship with anyone.”
“Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.”
Glad you got away and got a solicitor. Narcissists are only encouraged when you “take the high road” and don’t fight back.
A difficult experience but a good learning. Often, the key to getting free early on is saying “No” right at the beginning as you state your standards and boundaries, and then sticking with it.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 4th, 2011 at 3:10 pm
[...] way we want, they can come a step closer. If they don’t, we move them a step further away. If they’re relentless boundary pushers or they violate one of the big boundary lines, “one strike and they’re out.” Notice who has [...]
September 6th, 2011 at 5:11 pm
My son-in-law is a narcissist, control freak and a miserable human being. My daughter fell for the mask of him making lots of money, etc. They now have children. In 7 years I have only seen them 4-5 times. When I do get to have them here, only twice, there is always something we have done “wrong”, i.e., did not phone him 6 times a day so he could speak with the children. After that we were forbidden to see or speak to them for almost 1 year. When we were allowed to speak with them it was only occasionally unless they needed me to have them for a week while they moved. We recently had them and his latest excuse for being banned is that we had someone visit our home without his permission! My granddaughter did not want to go home, she wanted to stay with us. She had our influence for the first 3 years of her life, now she is 7 and has no say in the subject. I do not want to sever ties with my grand kids, but dealing with him is more than my blood pressure and aching heart can stand. My daughter is addicted to the “life style”. I have told her it is not worth the price. Now she is becoming like him! What can I do to still try and keep in contact with the kids and keep my sanity?
September 7th, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Hi Peggy,
I’m so sorry. But there’s nothing you can do that’s easy since your daughter is on his side.
But your grandchildren need you. Maybe you can save the spirit of the 7 year old.
You have to put your feelings away and serve the greater good; no matter how painful. Don’t try to convert your daughter; it’ll only make things worse.
Do whatever you can to get them as much as you can and plant seeds in them. Nourish them as best you can. Kids can understand about having very different rules at two houses and about keeping secrets. They know because they’ve seen the price of revealing too much around him.
Maybe, when they’re old enough, those seeds will sprout and bear wonderful fruit.
You can count on him to make them feel miserable and maybe that will sway them when they’re older. Your daughter will also pay a price for going along with it.
I know it’s pain and suffering; and endurance, inner strength and dedication, but that’s all you have going for you.
If you want expert coaching to keep your strength up and to create a plan, call me at 877-8BULLIES.
Best wishes,
Ben
October 16th, 2011 at 4:04 pm
[...] The real mistake is when we allow ourselves to be bullied, scolded and chastised. [...]
October 19th, 2011 at 1:16 pm
[...] of organizations that are proud they never fire anybody. Destructive entitlement and deadwood will accumulate. When results matter, good workers will be forced to work around their [...]
October 29th, 2011 at 1:51 pm
An Abusive Mother’s hatred for her daughter is overwheming. This is killing the loving and caring Father. Her abusive nature has separated the Father from his Family. What scares me the most is….. that Her abusive nature is showing up in my young son’s personality.
November 4th, 2011 at 9:31 pm
Hi Eloise,
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you.
I’m not sure where you are in this interaction, but I’d say that the main job is trying to protect your young son. Get him away from the abuse.
If you’re the father writing under the name Eloise or the stepmother and the mother has control, than you’re in a very tough position. Do your best. Give him hope that he must ignore as best he can (not take it personally) while he prepares to get away when he’s old enough.
Hope I got the situation right.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 9th, 2011 at 10:25 pm
[...] Micromanaging is usually driven by narcissism and fear. Harry thought he was the only one who knew how to do things right. He was afraid that if he let others forge ahead, they’d fail and his career would be derailed. Also, he was afraid that if he gave his staff freedom, someone might outshine him. [...]
December 31st, 2011 at 6:38 pm
I have a more sinister story. I have a sister who is so controlling that, if she cannot manage to dominate me, which she never will, she alienates me and humiliates me at family gatherings. These are the only platforms she has to work her magic. It’s so insidious because she does it in a way that, if you accused her of it, she would say, WHAT? You are crazy. Prove it. Of course you can’t, but after years of abuse I am to the point now where I am booting her out of my life. I no longer care if anybody knows what she is doing to me or not (or thinks I am crazy) Prove it? Uh nope, what do I have to lose? You have aliented my whole family from me anyway. These people need a platform in which to abuse you. DON’T give it to them. Don’t put yourself in a situation where they can be a predator toward you. Simple as that. She’s worn me and my self-esteem down so badly and I didn’t know why I thought I was garbage and constantly thought I was doing something wrong. Wow – it’s web sites like yours and wonderful books on the subject of narcissim that literally have saved my life. I have also been through two narcisstic husbands/divorces (surprise, surprise). My life is mine now after 55 years. Thanks for your blog.
January 2nd, 2012 at 8:52 pm
Cheryl,
Glad you got to the point of not trying to prove it to people who don’t want to see it or admit it.
Now you have to continue recovering your self-esteem and act on what you know and create a wonderful life for yourself.
Test the world and see who wants to stand with you on your Isle of Song:
Stop Bullying, Abuse: Be Your Own Expert
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/25/stop-bullying-abuse-be-your-own-expert/
To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/04/to-increase-confidence-and-self-esteem-test-the-world-not-yourself/
Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/09/vote-selfish-narcissistic-insensitive-people-off-your-isle-of-song/
Glad you got rid of the narcissists!
Best wishes,
Ben
January 18th, 2012 at 6:39 pm
[...] will increase, other team members will start abusing each other, meetings will become charades with hidden agendas and character assassination, and morale will [...]
March 8th, 2012 at 10:36 am
[...] inherited a senior leadership team and a kitchen cabinet, you’ll still have to form your own. That’ll cause some hurt feelings and you may have turnover. But that’s much better than opening up to the wrong people or trying [...]
March 28th, 2012 at 6:30 am
[...] For example, Sybil continually put down her peer, Henry, in private and public. Each demeaning comment might have been mere insensitivity. But taken together they represented a hostile pattern. [...]
April 1st, 2012 at 2:56 pm
[...] these abusive predators as having horrible childhoods that caused them to turn to bullying to gain control and power, and to boost their confidence and self-esteem. Just like the Prodigal Son, bullies don’t know [...]
April 11th, 2012 at 8:43 am
[...] more frantic they had become, the less they enforced behavioral standards. Over time, narcissism, cranky complaining, criticism, whining, demanding, bullying, emotional drama, back-stabbing, [...]
April 27th, 2012 at 12:37 am
Thank you for this article.I have a longer brother who fits these 7 traits perfectly.He got married and told my parents that the reason he got married was to get away from me….Total Nonsense! While he was married he never worked for 10 years…had 3 cars lived off his wife…robbed her financially for those 10 years to feed his booze and cocaine habit.She finally got rid of him and he turns around and sues her for alimony…and gets it! She had to pay him for 2 years! Prior to the divorce he had microphones placed all through the house as he would sit in his car and listen to what was going on in the house.She could not understand how he knew everything when they went to court.He also had her office bugged at her place of employment.They have 2 kids.He has never paid a dime of child support in the last five years(apparently it was not court ordered as she makes too much money)….or even seen them!He could care less about the kids…otherwise he would not have sued her for alimony….and if he wanted to see them all he would have to do is take her back to court and demand visitation rights….of which he would get.
Since the divorce he has nothing good to say about anyone.Everyone is a low life and a loser…except him! I think he should go look into the mirror! All of a sudden he “works for a living” and lets everyone know it.All he does is shoot off his idiot mouth around other people to let them know that he is in the room(the loudest person in the room is the weakest one in the room).He is always right about everything…and knows all about everything….and I mean everything.He is a joke.Just listening to him makes me laugh so hard I almost split a gut! I feel sorry for him as I believe that he has some very serious mental issues that need to be addressed! He is still a cocaine and booze head and goes over to my parents all the time in order to “suck up” to my mother….even though no one saw him for 10 years while he was married.He calls his mother everyday to show her what a “model son” he is…he is a joke!…and my mother is dumb enough to play his game…my father is not.My father has gotten very wise to him as he is nice to his face but,soon as his back is turned he verbally defiles his father….but,will ask him for money when he needs it! Again,I believe that he has a very serious mental problem.Just wondering what you think.
May 1st, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Hi Jerry,
You can’t help him. Don’t waste your time. Spend as little time and energy about him. If you get sucked in, he’ll consume your life.
Two exceptions:
1. Protect yourself. He’ll go after you when he feels like it. Distance helps. Who cares what he thinks of you or anything else?
2. I suspect (hallucinate) that he’ll undercut you to your parents and go after their money (as the good son). So protect yourself in that area. It would be poetic justice if you recorded him saying horrible things about your parents behind their backs.
Move on and get a life of your own.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 9th, 2012 at 9:06 am
[...] unconditional love. They often create loyalty tests for you to prove your love. For example, they’ll demand that you miss important family events in order to wait on them over trivial [...]