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Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns
By Ben | February 3, 2009
In his article for MSNBC, “Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns,” Alex Johnson discusses the need for laws to prevent cyberbullying and also details situations in which schools can overreact in the enforcement of those rules. The case of teenager Avery Doninger is particularly glaring.
The underlying thrust of the article is the need to create exactly the right laws that will give the right result in every situation. Situations like the cyberbullying suicide case last year make good laws critical.
The real problem is not necessarily the law; it’s the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can ever be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh. That assumption overlooks history and human nature. The letter of the law can never cover all situations with “just right” justice. We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations. That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.
Our society is in the stage of figuring out where we want to draw the lines about a new method, cyberbullying, that bullies and perpetrators use to harass, abuse and attack adults and children. That’s our normal trial and error process. There’s no easy answer for protecting kids online.
Actually, we make laws in hopes that they’ll yield justice in, say, 95% of the cases that come up. No matter what laws we make in any area of life, there will be specific situations in which a literal or dumb interpretation leads to an under or over-reaction. That’s where we hope the individuals involved use good sense and good judgment.
In the case of Avery Doninger, the real question is: Is the law bad or did the school principal get defensive and over-react by not giving a second chance to a good and contrite student who learned an important lesson or is there more we don’t know about Avery?
We’re stuck with the fact that laws, by themselves, will never cover every situation, no matter where we draw the lines; whether it’s about cyberbullies, verbal bullies or physical bullies.
I look carefully at the application of any law in a specific situation before rushing in to change the law. Often the problem is in the application, not in the law itself. That’s why we have Appeals Courts.
Separate from the general laws are the specific situations involving my kids and your kids (and adults). My job is to monitor my children:
- Do they look like they’re having a hard time and may be being attacked by a cyberbully? Are they having difficulty dealing with it? How can I help them deal with it by themselves or do I need to intervene?
- Are they witnessing cyberbullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
- Are they creating a hard time for someone else (are they cyberbullies)? How do I stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
- Should they even be using MySpace or FaceBook or any social networking sites? What else would be a better use of their time and energy?
I’m going to get my answers to those questions by observing them, talking to them and, maybe, using good software like PC Pandora to monitor what they’re doing (http://blog.pcpandora.com/2009/01/29/do-new-cyberbullying-laws-go-to-far/).
Cyberbullies and cyberbullying will be with us no matter what laws we make. We hope the laws will help us deal effectively with most of them.
As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same. That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them. If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
When children and teens learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill. They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults.
Coaching designed for the specific situations faced by individual parents and teenagers is critical.
Topics: Bullies at School, Coaching, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Stop Bullies Book, cyberbullying, parenting |
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
There is such a THICK line between calling your principal a jerk and waging a campaign to publicly humiliate and destroy a peer online. I feel like too many people completely miss that point. You, my friend, pointed out correctly that as much as the laws will cover, there will always be a small percentage that will be the exception. But I think it’s important we get those laws in place to deal with that 95%, because right now there seems to be nothing.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Right you are as usual Ken,
We need the laws for the 95% and then good sense for the other 5%.
I suspect Avery learned to be more judicious about where she uses of her tongue.
Who among us isn’t glad that some of things we said about teachers and principals (and co-workers, managers and bosses; and our relatives and even spouses) didn’t become public knowledge?
No problems about repressing “the real me.” The “real me” wants to thrive in this world. The “real me” is not my most snarky, sarcastic vicious mouth. The “real me” includes that, but also includes adult wisdom about potential consequences and which battles are worth fighting and how.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 10th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
[…] Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns […]
June 2nd, 2009 at 6:39 am
My daughter was threatened on Face book by a girl she used to go to school with. The girl in question used to bully her at school for a number of years. After seeing her in town on Saturday night she wrote on her face book that she was going to get her head kicked in. my daughter is now 22 and the girl in question is 24. What can she do about this.?
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Hi Mrs. Lawrence,
That’s a threat of physical violence. Copy the Facebook page for safe keeping.
In the States, we’d get a lawyer, take it to the police, file a complaint and get a restraining order. That way there’s a public record against the bully. If anything happens to your daughter, she’d be the prime suspect.
The other approach would be to keep out of the bully’s way and hope her attention turns to someone else.
And you might worry that anything your daughter does will make the bully madder and increase the likelihood she’ll do something. But 90% of the time, bullies look for easy prey. They’d interpret your daughter’s passiveness or taking the high moral ground as weakness and an invitation to go after her even more. Most bullies back off after the prey strikes back.
We might even figure out a way to let the bully’s boss know that an employee is threatening physical violence to someone.
Is there an equivalent that you can do in the UK?
Best wishes,
Ben
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Now that both parties are over 18, your daughter has to take matters into her own hands. Print any attacks or harassment and go to THE RIGHT authorities. Find out who (what department of law enforcement) are the fight people in your area that handle this. It is not a matter the right people will take lightly. Standard cops involved in more ‘real-world’ situations may try to brush it off; but internet -based cops will not. Good luck!
June 2nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Thanks Ken,
Great advice as always - clear and to the point.
Ben
October 27th, 2009 at 9:52 am
[…] we all want to protect free speech, I think the more important value here is tightening laws in order to protect kids from vicious, […]