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How to stop a controlling boyfriend
By Ben | January 29, 2009
Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free.
Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career. She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.
When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life. He seemed to think so also. He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home. He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.
But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.
When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to. Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank. But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance. He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.
He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted. Or he could always win debates with her.
Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him. He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down. She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him. And she was afraid that he might even dump her. Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.
None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans. He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans. They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects. He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.
At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.” She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.” She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer. Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.” Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving. That means right now!”
Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No. If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying. I’ll get a ride or a take cab home. I won’t be long.”
Frank stormed off. When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious. He yelled, “I’m in charge. If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”
Madge felt like a chastised little girl. She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him. I could have left with him as he wanted. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.” She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.” When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl. Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”
At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start. Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage. “Wait a minute,” she thought. “It’s my house, not his.” At that moment her head and heart turned around. She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was. Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.
As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.
Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:
- They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
- They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
- Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive. Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
- You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
- You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.
Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money. He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life. And she had allowed him to.
I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life. That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad. But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.
Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods. That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them. If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, Stop Bullies CD |
June 11th, 2009 at 8:34 am
[…] behave that way again. If they’re bullies, we’ll have to do the more difficult work of being more firm and forceful. Sometimes we can embarrass them to stop the bullying, but with relentless bullies we have to […]
June 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
So what about the help for the people on the other side? The people who realise they are the controlling ones and have destroyed relationships? Do you offer any help for them?
June 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hi Andy,
Thanks for the comment.
Yes, I often work with people who want to stop controlling. However, advice and written lists aren’t useful. Lack of information isn’t the problem. You already know enough.
Success requires coaching; setting up specific tasks and following through. I design specific programs for each individual person. And it works.
Give me a call.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 9th, 2009 at 11:57 am
my boyfriend is constantly trying to control everything i do. i cant hang out with certain people cause he don’t like them, i cant have certain friends and so on.. what do i do?
thanks,
Melissa
September 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Hi Melissa,
Do what you want to do. You don’t need his permission.
What’s the worst case scenario? A bullying, control freak dumps you and then you’re free to find someone better to have the relationship you want.
Get the coaching you need in order to strengthen your backbone and learn skills.
For example, see the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
What’s the price for putting up with bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
October 20th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
so i think i have a controlling bf too. he always wants to have a beer every night after work on the car ride homw whether or not hes driving and it makes me extremely nervous but he wont stop. also he wants to smoke a joint everynight on the car ride home at 11 at night. this also terrifies me because i have a 2yr old daughter that hes not the father of. he constantly texts and calls me when hes at work to c where i am what im doing who im talking to. then if he finds out im over at my sisters and her husband is there he gets pissed off because ” her husband is nothing but a fat slob that wants to f*** me” is what he says. and im not aloud to hang out with one of my friends because her and her boyfriend cheat on each other and my bf’s philosophy is ” you are who your friends are. ” i dont understand why he has to be this way. also he constanly nags about how we dont have enough sex. if i try to tell him im tired he bugs and bugs me until i get angry and tell him no then he storms out of the room to drink a beer or smoke weed. but then he comes back after i fall asleep and often has sex with me while im asleep. he is awake obviously but i sleep heavy because i only get about 5 hours a night. when i wake up when hes doing this he just says ” shhh im almost done” but then i push him off of me and once again hes pissed off. i really need help and i dont know what to do. please, any advice?
October 26th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Hi Stephanie,
I’ll be very straightforward.
Pull yourself out of the need to decide whether or not your boyfriend is controlling before you give yourself permission to act. You don’t have to prove anything to his satisfaction. And if you think he’s right about some things, that doesn’t mean he’s what you want in your life.
You say you’re terrified and you don’t like his jealousy, his controlling you, forcing his way on you, sex with him and his being pissed off. No problem.
The problem sounds like you haven’t taken charge of your personal island. You get to set the standards before anyone gets on or stays on your island. You’re the only one who gets to vote.
If you don’t like his rules, his drinking, his joints, his sex, his control, his anger, tell him to change or he’s off your island. Period. Pay whatever price you need to in order to support yourself and get a new boyfriend.
If you don’t, you’re training your daughter to accept that bullying when she grows up. No matter what you say, she’ll learn what you do.
Also, totally separately, ask yourself: Are you doing things that would make the boyfriend you want jealous, does your sister’s husband want to hit on you, what are you teaching you daughter when you hang out with people who cheat on each other?
Make yourself worthy of the island your heart desires.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 28th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Hello Ben,
I don’t know if you’ll find the time to answer but i’d really apreciate if you did.
At this moment, after reading you’re text i just feel like crying… I’m 16, i have a boyfriend (my first boyfriend ever) and we’ve been together for two years.
At fist everything was just perfect, he gave me the best months of my life but since 6 months ago his controlling side is stonger than ever. Now i find myself with no friends (he made me lost contact with all of them, he said that they we’re bad for me and that some of them flirted with him when i wasn’t looking).
Honesly, when i leave school i go straight home because i’m afraid he’ll watch me talking to someone… he doesn’t want me to have my collegues contacts and no myspace for me (he says i’m to exposed). I always feel like someone is watching me… even at my own home.
I’m always stressed because i don’t want to say or do anything to upset him(i used to be a happy person now i’m just depressed all the time).
He gets angry all the time for insignificant stuff, then he won’t talk to me… and when i finally manage to make him talk he makes me feel like trash, like i do everything wrong and I start apologising immediatly (even though i know i’m wright).
He never ever made me a complement, he says i’m not pretty (my hair is too short, my skin is bad, my eyes are too small, and he even says i have to gain weight… If i get slimer, for him it means that i want other boys to look at me)
However, i truly love him… I know he is a wonderful person. We laugh a lot and he can be romantic (altought he only told me that he loved me twice… it’s hard for him). He is suportive and he hates to see me cry.
I don’t dream of leaving him, but… i feel like i’m not living, like he is my life and nothing else. But i know that if he keeps pushing and pushing me i’ll break… I feel kind of broken allready, but i can’t stop loving him.
Thank you,
Rachel Ross
November 30th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Hi Rachel,
You’ve been given a wonderful opportunity and learning: your first boyfriend ever and a perfect example for you of, “I’ll never do that again.” And it’s only your first. That’s much easier than realizing the same lesson when you’re much older and have three kids and are broke.
By the way, neither sex nor kids will make him better. They’ll make him more selfish and worse.
He’s a bullying control freak. Get rid of him. Vote him off your island. Do it fast and make a sacred vow with your spirit - “I’ll never be with a jerk like that again.”
You have a ton of feelings but you don’t know what good love is yet. Be strong. Get over your feelings. Kiss a whole bunch more frogs and maybe one will turn into a prince. This one won’t
Seriously, he’s NOT a good person. You’ll find a good person to laugh and love even more with.
Don’t care what he thinks. He doesn’t get to vote. You are your island! Protect your island from being trashed.
Hold out for someone who’s hot for you as you are - “short hair, small eyes, too thin.” Set him free to find his dream girl to bully. Set yourself free to find love that feels good.
You got one thing right: either you break the relationship or your spirit will break. Go love somewhere else. There are a thousand better ones out there.
I know it sounds hard but it’s clear, straightforward and simple. And you’re worth it! Have courage, inner strength and grit!
Read the cases of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Hey Ben,
I have a very controlling boyfriend. I’m 16 and this is the first time I’ve ever been in love. He was my first everything beisdes kiss and makeout. It will be our 2 years on feb 4th. And I love him with all of me. I really do.
But when we first got together he was the sweetest most caring guy I had ever met in my life. And I do everything for this boy. I buy him whatever he wants whenever he wants it and all I get in return is ur a selfish bitch. He’s constantly calling me a stupid bitch as well. I used to e the most popular girl in school with millions of friends but now I got to theropy every week for depresion. And just recently he told me I was no longer aloud to hang oug with my best friend. I’m not aloud to talk to her or even wave to her at school. I only have one great friend besides him left because I’ve sacrificed everything for him. And I constantly cry becaus I feel like I hve no life. I can’t even leave my house without him calling me and yelling at me for not being home. And he constantly puts me down. But I love him like crazy. Please tell me what I need to do. This is my last hope for advice.
Thanks. Amber-Lynn.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Hi Amber-Lynn,
Good start with boyfriends. You learned a lot and you’re only 16.
Stop giving him everything. You’re not getting back what you need. Vote him off your island, no matter how you feel.
Now go find your second boyfriend and give him everything and see how that works. And then your third and so on.
Even if they start good, as soon as they turn rotten, either they straighten out immediately and forever, or you put them in the trash with the other garbage.
Read the stories of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
January 9th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Hi Ben this article has inspired me to tell someone of my past experience. it is a very long paragraph but if anyone wants to read it and talk to me about it i would greatly appreciate it. my name is jessica.
Haha wow i thought i wass the only one dealing with this. I’m 16 and have already gone through all of these controlling things. my boyfriend is 18 and in college we met like a year and a half ago. i was in tenth grade and was so shy and quiet and i think that might be why he was attracted to me because i have no backbone and he would just tell me what to do and i would just say okay because i was afraid if i didn’t do it he would break up with me and this was in the beginning of the relationship. it only got worse to the point where if i was out with friends i would have to check up with him constantly and tell him who i was with and where i was going, in the end he eventually stopped “letting” me hang out with my best friends since 3rd grade because he said it was only in his best interest to protect me from them because they were bad people and he didn’t want me to end up like them, he called them “sluts” becuase they hung out with their guy friends and liked to go to dance and be crazy and have a good time. i started ditching my friends and was crying on a daily basis i knew what i was doing was wrong but i couldn’t stop because i loved him and i thought if i didn’t do it i would lose him and i didn’t want that to happen. later on things got worse to the point where i could never say no about anything, even anal sex he forced me to do it even after i said i didn’t want to and i cried as he did it and thought it was fine. anytime we would argue about him controlling me too much he would say it was only to protect me and i would eventually lose all the fights because he was ALWAYS right no matter what. later on he strated criticizing how i looked and said that i wore too much makeup or told me that clothes from a certain store were too ugly and would tell me how to wear my hair before going somewhere with him. he eventually sometimes would come over before i left my house to see what i was wearing and make sure it was okay for me to be seen with him. but the way i had to look for him was different from the previous posts i read. he liked me to reveal my body and wanted me to wear tight clothes so people would look at me and he sometimes would tell me that i was bigger than when he had met me and let me tell you i am 105 pounds and have never become more self conscious in my life. he would also take my phone and look through every text message and phone call to make sure i wasn’t doing bad things or talking to boys oand he would hold on to it the entire time we hung out just in case he even forced my to delete my myspace account and he now has my facebook password so he can check up on me and he always thinks that i want to do stuff with other guys which is completley irrelevant i would never i have him and he doesn’t understand i would never do that to. so anyway during the summer he went off to summer college and we made a deal he would stop controlling me as much and it worked for a little while. i started hanging out with my old friends and things were fine until one night they all broke down crying saying they were scared for me and missed me and that it wasn’t me to let some guy tell me what to do so they got me to break with him. later when he called me crying they took my phone away and i got very upset. the next day i thought how mean my friends were for making me do it and i thought i couldn’t believe they made me lose my boyfriend the only person i love and so… we got back together and i vowed to never do it again and he said that everything that had happened was out the door and i now have to ask him if i could some where and check in at all times. so it was the summer coming to end and he came home from college and i had been a cheerleader since probably 2nd grade and there was a cheerleading camp the week after he came home and i would have practice everyday 330-6 so he decided that it was best if i just didn’t do cheerleading anymore so that we could be together since he had spent half the summer at college and it would affect us seeing eachother and that if i didn’t quit there would be no way we could last because he was going off to college and it was our only time left to see eachother. so i quit and i cried when it told my coach and when she asked me why i said because i couldn’t deal with being with my “old” friends with whom i hadn’t spoken to since the night i broke up with my boyfriend. so the year went on he went to college and i was a junior which is my current grade now and so he went off and started doing what he wanted and started partying all the time and if i told him please don’t go out tonight i really don’t want you getting too drunk he would simply say no i’m in college … this hurt me because if he told me to do something i HAD to obey but as soon as i told him my opinion and what i wanted he suddenly had the choice of whether or not to listen to me. so i had to deal with it and i would get upset everynight because he would not answer my phone calls or would be too drunk to comprehend things i was saying and i just couldn’t take it so i waited until this past winter break for him to come home and i looked forward to it all year because it was honestly the only thing i had left since i have no friends now and do nothing anymore but sit home and do homework. so the first part of break was amazing and we hung out like everyday and he treated me so good and seemed like everything was perfect until i got a phonecall saying that he cheated on me in college multiple times.. so i brought it up and he got very defensive and grabbed my phone and read through it and started crying saying he would never ever do that to me and i believed him so i forgave him but a part of me still wonders… now he is still on winter break currently but he decided he wanted to go to florida so hes there for the week and has been there for a little while soooo last night my friend invited me to a party and i said i would go with her because she did not want to be alone, now since i knew my boyfriend would say no i had to lie about it and say i was going to her house eventually i felt too guilty and told him the honest truth he started saying that he couldnt date someone who partied and all this stuff and i told him just trust me like i trust you and he said i can’t ever trust you and so he broke up with me and said i was a liar and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that and all this stuff. the thing that gets me is again he is off doing whatever he pleases in florida but the moment i want to do something it’s and automatic no and for some reason him saying it was over didn’t affect me a lot and he hasn’t answered my texts from last night later but he did text me saying he will consider redating me. i love him more than anything and have given up so much for him but now reading all of these posts i realize i gave up so much so that he could just control me and cut me off from so much so that i would keep running back to him because he is now all I have . . . i don’t know what to do at this point i told him i loved him which is true and that I’m sorry for what I did even though when i went to the party i sat there and drank hot chocolate ha-ha. My friend and I have discussed this multiple times and cannot figure him out. he is a great guy but there is something greatly hidden behind him and i don’t know what it is. he has never met his mom and his guardians are his grandparents and he sees his dad from time to time but he is greatly spoiled and gets whatever he wants he is pretty wealthy and usually does try to buy my happiness like by going to the mall and saying get whatever you want but oh i have to approve it first. He says his past does not affect him and that he doesn’t worry about his mom and will talk about it. I’m not sure but he could be insecure but he is actually kind of conceited if that makes sense? he likes to look at himself and he started working out a lot recently he says for me but he’s in college so I don’t really know so anyway i think we’re broken up right now but who knows he is on vacation doing whatever he wants while I’m sitting here worrying about my life and thinking of what a mess it has become…. any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
January 11th, 2010 at 10:14 am
[…] Does he harass, bully, abuse or control you? […]
January 11th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Noooooooooo Jessica,
Get him out of your life. Let him dump you and keep you dumped. Pray that he doesn’t give you another chance to be harassed, bullied and abused. Don’t talk with him, don’t text him, don’t answer him. Change your passwords. Get good friends he won’t approve of.
If you’re lucky, he’ll go away. But probably not, because he knows from your past performance that he can bully you.
Take charge of your life. Don’t give in to your feelings of love. Go love a good person just as hard. A person who’ll respect and admire you as you are. A person who’ll take your “no” as a “no”. A person for whom you don’t have to give up yourself.
You don’t have to prove anything about what he does when he’s away from you. He’s abusing you when he’s with you. That’s enough. Vote him off your island forever. He doesn’t get to vote.
You’re 16. Go love someone worthy more and better. Stop looking under slimy rocks for love. Have something more important in your life than loving toads - or being loved by them.
Don’t figure him out. Shake off the dust of this relationship and get away.
Don’t listen to what he says. Why would you believe someone who’s nasty to you?
I know it’s hard to turn away from feelings of love but if you want a good life, turn away from this object you’re obsessed with. Start worrying about how to make a great future, not a rotten one.
Create a good life.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
my friend has been dating this boy for 5 months and she was really happy at the begining and i was happy for her but than things started to change like now she can never hangout because her boyfriend is choosing where she goes, when she goes, and who she goes with. i’m really concerned because my best friend is depressed and she used to be a very happy go-lucky person. what should i do to help?
April 21st, 2010 at 9:00 am
Hi Amy,
You’re stuck in a common and bad situation.
There’s no one-right-answer. It depends on what you want most. So let’s explore some of possibilities involved. There are two areas; whether to say something and how.
If you say nothing:
1. Your friend could wake up one day and get it and leave him … and be angry or be grateful that you never said anything.
2. Your friend could wake up one day and get it and try to change him.
3. Your friend could slip further and further under his control and lose her independence and have a rotten life … and you will have lost a friend.
If you say something:
1. Your friend will get angry at you, defend the boyfriend and you’ll lose a friend.
2. Your friend will get it and straighten out the guy or leave and thank you (the one you hope for).
It’s all a risk about what will help your friend get free (if anything) and what will help maintain your friendship.
My experience has been that people like the control-freak boyfriend rarely change, even if they repeatedly lose girlfriends. I think it’s best to get away from them rather than try to rehabilitate them, especially since she’s only known him 5 months.
It usually takes 6-9 months before the guy changes and the target wakes up and realizes they’ve been taken over – they have no friends, they can’t go out, they can’t see relatives and maybe aren’t allowed to go to work. I think that after 9 months the target is hooked and will be caught for a long time.
Usually, at the 6 month stage the target doesn’t want to get away – after all, your friend is an adult and could get away if she wanted. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. You can’t even lead them to water much less get them to drink.
That’s all pretty complicated with too many possibilities for my little brain. Instead of trying to figure out how best to help her or how to maintain the friendship, I choose a different approach.
I decide how I want to be, what I want to see when I look into the mirror each morning, how I want to be a friend.
I know many people who prefer to let things happen, to let people do what they want without them intervening.
I’m an intervener. I tend to say things.
Your life is about your decision in this area.
If you choose to say something, I’d recommend that you focus on your relationship with your friend. Keep seeing her and keep focusing on the friendship. Remind her about how many friends she used have and keep her laughing.
Suggest that anyone who interferes with your friendship is not trustworthy; doesn’t have your best friend’s interests at heart, no matter how they justify it.
If you attack the boyfriend, at this stage your friend will probably defend him and cut off contact with you.
There’s no easy solution and most likely your friend needs to go down this slippery slope into isolation and dependency before she fights to get free. That’s when she might turn to you.
Good luck … and please let me know how it goes.
Ben
April 27th, 2010 at 1:11 am
Please give me some advice, iv been
with my boyfriend for about a year and at times he is the sweetest guy you can imagine. However since he lost his job, and was the victim of an assault he has become increasingly controlling. He has always been abit of a jealous and paranoid person but in the last 3 months or so has become like this. I’m now “not allowed” to go outside without him. To the local shop, with my friends for coffee. Anything. Iv tried reassuring him that he can trust me, tried explaining I’m 20 years old and I need my breathing space. It’s like being a child who’s not allowed to go outside as punishment. I had to beg just to be allowed to go to my neices 1st birthday party. Please help
April 29th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Hi, My name is Amanda. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months. He shows some warning signs of being controlling. He lives in New York and I live in Arizona. I am moving back to New York in June. I taught out here for two years but am now moving back to be closer to family and my boyfriend. After dating for 5 months my boyfriend started becoming more controlling. He told me not to go to Las Vegas with my friends on vacation, tells me what places he thinks are safe to go out, and asks me not to go out at night time because he likes to go to sleep with me on the phone. If I want to do something at night or try to make plans with my friends in a place he doesn’t ‘approve’ of, we fight about it and he makes me feel really guilty. Other than that he treats me really well, is loving, affectionate, thoughtful, and honest. He doesn’t ever put me down and is always there for me when I need him. I just feel like something is wrong and that he is partially controlling. I don’t know how to fix it.
Please write back if you can.
Amanda
April 29th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Hi Nat,
After what happened it’s easy to see why he’d become paranoid.
However, you need to put him straight. You won’t live with a controlling bully.
Stop begging or asking his permission. See the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Go do the things you want to do. If he can’t stand it, he can leave. If he gets violent, throw him out.
You have to keep your space clear of controlling paranoids. He has to get with the program or get gone.
Do it before you get pregnant.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 30th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Hi Amanda,
I think that a good approach is to test him. Is he someone you want to go further with?
The way to test him is to do what you want, which doesn’t sound like you’re messing around with other guys or trashing yourself. Go with friends, go to places you want, go out at night.
If he gets angry, if he turns the guilt screws, if he dumps you, then you’ve found out before you get deeper in.
Don’t fight, don’t let guilt affect you. He can try, but no one can make you feel guilty; you have to accept guilt all on your own. Just do it and tell him to work out his insecurities with his therapist.
See the chapters in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Especially the sections about why people don’t get bullies and control-freaks out of their lives. Also see the studies of Brandi and Lucy.
I’m not cold and inconsiderate. It’s just that if he controls you now when you’re free, it’ll get much worse when you have three kids and are no longer working. And he thinks you’re stuck and helpless. And you think you’re stuck and helpless.
Get a good coach to help you get to your strength, your center.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 15th, 2010 at 11:32 am
hey, i have a boyfriend who ive been with for about 3 years now….iv known him much longer..and i also know what he used to be like.i ended a four and a half year relationship with my expartner and my current partner asked me out,i agreed and he moved in 2days later.he used to embarass me in front of people, talk about sleeping with other people, other women have ansered his phone, ive seen him pushin his exes baby when he sed he was going to work…but i knew he wasnt becaquse he wore his nice clothes and aftershave..he used to dissapear all the time and wen he used to have a drink, he made me feel like i was absolutely nothing to him, like i was something he stepped in…numerous people have told me things hes done behin his back, but he always seems to have a convincing story..i havent really got a life and my self esteem is absolutely shattered to bits.i really dont know what to do because its been so long being insulted and ruined, lied to and belittled it really is getting to the end.even though i feel like theres something worth trying for, hes made it so hard to trust him and see him as a friend.we dont really speak at all, he smokes and drinks and thats the only time hes nice or wants to talk or smile..he talks to other girls better than what he talks to me because when i speak or tell him how i feel, he tells me im stupid and to shut up..now social services are involved with my son because of domestic violence..and even though hes got better…its still not good enough..hes not trying hard enough to make me have a reason to stay with him.i love him to pieces…but i cant stand the way he is.i feel like a doormat..and though he tells me im not…he walks all over me and doesnt even change his sons nappy….what can i do to make the relationship work? coz even now, i feel like im the only one who gives a shit about it
May 17th, 2010 at 8:32 am
Hi bc,
I’ll be straightforward. I think you got it right: “i havent really got a life and my self esteem is absolutely shattered to bits.i really dont know what to do because its been so long being insulted and ruined, lied to and belittled it really is getting to the end.”
If you don’t get self-esteem and a life, it’ll get even worse. What’ll you do when another child comes?
The way to get self-esteem is to create a life. Don’t pay attention to what your mind and feelings tell you. Pay attention to getting work, money, and your own place. It may take 10 years of hard work. So what? You have nothing that will better your life more than that.
You can’t make this relationship work in any way that feels good for you or your son. Right now, by staying with your boyfriend, you’re teaching your son how to bully his girlfriend when he grows up. Your actions speak louder than words.
Don’t argue with your boyfriend’s convincing BS. He treats you like dirt. There’s nothing good to try for. You’re there because you feel helpless. Stop acting helpless. Do better for yourself and your son.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 18th, 2010 at 4:13 am
hey only me again,why does he treat me like this?? its so draining..i have dreams about him that are so real it makes me increasingly paranoid everyday….at the moment me and my partner are in a good phase,hes helping me out more and paying a little more attention..i told him how i felt and he told me how beautiful i was and that he loved me, im just worried that this wont last..i have a job and my own place..what can i do to be successful?? bc xxx
May 18th, 2010 at 4:15 am
and sorry..what is a BS? and i was considering another child..but should i?
May 21st, 2010 at 9:50 am
Hi bc,
As part of my living, I help people create specific plans to stop bullying in their lives. Please call me at 303-458-6616 if you want to talk – anytime now or later.
Coaching is good. You will need a plan in place so you’re ready to act effectively before, yes, before, he reverts to type in the next month or so.
Please, please, please don’t get pregnant until he proves himself for a long time; at least a year.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 30th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Hi my names kellie and ive read alot of these post and i relate to them on a very personal level. Me and my boyfriend Frank…which is ironic to the story, have been together for almost a year now. Im 19 and he is 25. And I am pretty sure he’s controlling, and maybe bi-polar. He has actually said the words “i am always right”. I have made a few mistakes in our relationship in the past, and he always has to bring them up and start fights about them. He makes me feel like i have to tell him everything i do, but when i do give him every little detail he always sounds uninterested like its not important. And when i try and ask him what he is doing, he gets mad and never gives me a really straight answer. I had found out that he had made a mistake a few months ago and when i asked him about it (completly un confrontaionally) he denied it for a little while then broke up with me and told me what i had been accusing him of was true. So i came to the discion to just let him be and stay away. But i do love this man and when he came back begging and crying to be with me, i of course took him back. I told him he had to change and he agreed and it was good for a while but i find him still doing the exact same things. He gets mad when i spend my money. and so most of the time i just hide where i spend it. I gave up my best friend of 5 years for him. But she wasnt helping either and was accusing me of treating her like a part time friend because i would spend time with him and he would always get mad if i texted her, or called. i felt as if they were both jealous of each other and i didt know what to do. so now when im not with him i dont have my normal life to live. im having to find new friends which he approves of. and he still gets mad when im around them and i usually have to lie. He always tells me not to lie but i feel i have no other choice if i dont want to fight. And when we do fight, i always lose even if, im in the right and i know hes wrong. i cannot argue my opinions if i ever want to end the fight. He’s never hit me, but has come close and does push me and has gotten close i think to full on hitting me. i relize this isnt the most healthy relationship and it is very one sided. But i love him because he can be the sweetest guy. but he has these moments that i just cannot take. i have a very deap fear of being alone. and now that i dont have my friends all i have his him. and i know that if we broke up my ex best friend would not want to hang out with me anymore out of spite. I really am very confused and have talked to a few people who just shrug and tell me its gotta be my decision. but i do not want to lose this guy. i always have the thought in the back of my head that maybe i can change him. maybe my open mindness and kindness would eventually rub off on him and he would relize what hes doing. just recently he went on a out of town trip with some of his guy friends and i was not alowed to go. when i asked him why he got all defensive and said it was because his friend was driving and he wanted it to be just the guys. and i read online that in order to be a good girlfriend you have to give them guy time. so i let him go and did not give him many troubles. and i do trust him, but i miss him also so when i call him or text him sometimes he doesnt reply and when he does i feel like im bothering him. but he tells me he misses me too. if he ever found out that i wrote this, it would be the end of the world and he would probley leave me. I dont want you to tell me to get away. Because i already know that would be the healthy thing to do. I would rather you help me change him. i want him to be a good guy. and i dont want to lose him. any ideas?
June 1st, 2010 at 9:43 am
Hi Kellie,
You’re pretty clear and I’ll be straightforward. You don’t want to be told what you need to listen to. Of course. You’re 19 and still into magical thinking. You’ll be good enough to change him. HA! Nonsense. It’s not about you. It’s about him. He has no reason to change. He loves controlling you and loves being angry and the melodrama of your lives.
Walk down the path of life with him; 5, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years. You’ll be more isolated. You’ll have no money. You’ll have a bunch of kids and that big one still at home controlling you and angry at you and you having to hide things. Enjoyable?
Read the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” It’s not about changing him. It’s about having standards you can live with and voting him off your island if he won’t be sweet all the time.
Deep in your heart you know what you need to do. Treat yourself like someone you love. Go find someone else to love. If your emotions control your life, you’ll lose your soul.
Clear, straightforward and simple. Just not easy.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 10th, 2010 at 1:18 am
HI BEN MY BOYFRIEND AND I BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS HE SAY HE LOVES ME BUT HE TELLS ME WHAT TO WHERE WHEN I SAID I WAS GOING WITH MY FRIEND HE POPPED UP AT MY HOUSE HE ALWAYS ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING 24 / 7 BUT IM NOT I KNOW HE LOVES ME BUT HIS INSECURITIES ARE BRINGING ME DOWN HE HAS PUSHED ME AGAINST THE WALL AND DOOR BEFORE HE ONCE PULLED MY SHIRT DOWN AND TRYING TO TELL ME I CAN’T GO OUT LIKE THAT WHAT SHOULD I DO IM ONLY 16 MY BF IS 17
June 10th, 2010 at 3:25 am
Hi Ben,
I just stumbled onto this sit and found it very interesting. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now and we were actually planning on getting married in August, but I have been having some really heavy second thoughts. I love him very much and we both want the same things out of life, so it seemed like the right thing to do. Lately though I have been realizing how controlling he can be. It has always been somewhat an issue, but it has been bothering me a lot. I am 20 and he is 22 by the way. He has always had trust issues because of the fact that his past 2 girlfriends cheated on him and with in the first 2 weeks we dated I kissed another guy. So since then I have made a lot of changes in order to gain his trust back. I do realize that was a very hard thing to start a relationship off with. But three years is quite a bit of time. I am no longer in touch with any of my high school friends and I have not made any new good friends since, other than becoming friends with the people he is friends with. And even them I need permission to go and hang out with them. If he is not there and if I do hang out with them all I get is questions about what did we do and what did we talk about. If he even sees me talking to someone he needs to know exactly what was said. And if its some one he doesn’t know that is a whole other story I feel I have to ask or almost beg him if it is ok and even if he says yes he makes me feel guilty about it, I still get all of the questions and on top of that he is mad about it for the next few days and he is grumpy and unpleasant to be around. It is at the point where I just go to work and then go home and then go to bed, every day, over and over. I don’t even make an attempt to make friends because it is not worth it. I’m just thinking I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore it is just him and me, no me. Its we like this person or we like doing this, or we like this movie or show. I can’t even cut my hair or by clothing without him either approving or getting mad about it. He really does have a big heart and I know he loves me, I don’t think he realizes how bad it is, even if I have told him a hundred times how upset it makes me and how many times he says he will work on it and that he is sorry. I don’t know if me telling him is doing any good. I just don’t know if it is worth it to keep try to make him change the way he treats me and work on our relationship and fix it, or just end it. Please help!
June 17th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Hey, i’ve been dating this guy for 4 months. I cheated in the beginning; I know I was in the wrong. But now he is acting like a total control freak. He was always a little controlling. Like he will ask me if i’m off work yet 5 times, and call me over and over until i answer. I know in my heart it isnt healthy and I do love him, but I can’t deal with a guy that sounds so mad all the time and pretty much yells at me in public when I’m being “stupid”. Help?!
June 18th, 2010 at 11:00 am
Hi Helen,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.
Unless you stop him, it’ll get worse. And he’s already getting physical.
I don’t mean that you should debate and convince him. I mean that you should stop him.
Take a break from him, whether he likes it or not. After a couple of months, you might allow him to start courting you again, bit by bit. You’re testing his behavior. If he treats you good, you’ll allow him one step closer.
The first time he goes back to his old behavior, he’s gone for good. One more strike and he’s out.
There’s a great example of this in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay.”
My experience with people like him is that he won’t change so you’ll save time by dumping him now. Vote him off your island. You’re young; find another prince. Treat yourself like you deserve better.
Don’t let him convince you that you’ll never find anyone else. Better to have free space than to have a bully taking up all the space.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 18th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Hi Kalyn,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.
He sounds very controlling and I pay more attention to the behavior, not the excuses for why he does it.
You set the standards of what you allow on your island. Like “no controlling, no answering his probing questions, no being grumpy.” Yes, I man “no grumpy.” Don’t waste your time and love on grumpy people!!!!
Make friends, whether he likes it or not.
You’re not trying to please him; you’re testing him. If he won’t act the way you want, vote him off your island. See the cases of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available from this web site.
Nooooooooo. Do not marry him; do not keep being with him unless he straightens out right away. If you don’t set and maintain the behavioral standards now, it’ll get much worse when you marry him.
Help yourself. Be strong, brave and determined. Honor yourself. Protect yourself.
Get an expert coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 18th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Hi Carrie,
Well, you made that bed but you don’t have to lie in it.
Probably he won’t get over it. So go find someone else and make a better start.
You have to become someone who deserves better and then you have to demand better or vote them off your island.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
I’m 16 and i have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 7 months. At first he was perfect, he was sweet, kind, and fun to be with. but about six months ago he started getting very controlling. He started to go through my phone every day and read all of my text messages. He doesn’t let me text my guy friends and he gets mad if i talk to guys at school (we go to different schools). He will get on facebook and ask people from my school who i talk to and what i wear. he doesnt like me wearing shorts (even during the summer) and he won’t let me hang out with my friends unless he has something to do. i always feel like i’m his second choice and if we have plans and something better comes along he will do that instead. And we live about fourty minutes away from each other and i’m always the one thats comes to see him. the last time he came to my house was in march and that was only because i had surgery. he hates my family and my family doesnt like him because of the way he treats me. i love him but its getting to the point that i just can’t take it anymore. i’m about to break down and i dont know what to do. he’s mad at me now because i am going to see my great grandmother (who is dying) in west virginia. i really can’t take it anymore but i cant build up the strength to do anything about it. he’s ALWAYS right and i’m ALWAYS wrong. my family is telling me to break up with him and i know its the right thing to do. i just can’t find the strength to do it.
thanks, Katelyn
June 28th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
He also doesnt want me to go to college. i’m a gymnast and i plan on getting a scholarship to a division 1 school. but he’s telling me that i have to stay with him and go to a community college.
Thanks again, Katelyn
July 9th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Hi Katelyn,
Sometimes things are simple and straightforward. Not necessarily easy, just simple and straightforward.
Test him to see if he’s worthy of you.
Don’t let him look at your phone. Text whoever you want – girls and guys. Talk to whomever you want. Wear the clothes you want. Hang out with your friends whenever you want. Definitely go to a Division I school!!!!!
If he doesn’t like it, if he complains, if he gets grumpy or angry, if he tries to argue, he’s not worthy of you. He’s trying to drag you down from a bright future. Don’t break down; DUMP HIM and fall in love with a better boyfriend. Don’t let your emotions, what you call love at 16 ruin your future. You really will fall in love again!
If you don’t find the strength now, you’ll be giving up your future and you’ll be making the same complaints 20 years from now only you won’t have a good job, you won’t have enough money to live well or get free. You’ll have 5 kids and no options or opportunities and you’ll know deep down that you were too weak to go cold turkey with someone who wasn’t worth it. Imagine a life like that; day after day after day. Hating your life nd him and yourself. Yuuuuk!
If he loved you, he’d encourage you to be as great as you could be even though that would be a risk for him if he wasn’t worthy.
Read the story of Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Get an expert to help you get strong. I do a lot of telephone coaching, but local would be great.
The next 70 years of your life is calling out to you. Don’t make excuses and let yourself down.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 26th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Basically, ive been with my bf for about 7 months now. He holds the intense things hes done for “me” over my head..the only reason i wanted those actions to happen was for his safety. I no longer see my friends whenever i want. He will allow me too recently bc i bitched about it quite a bit, but i must give him time in advance to notify him. I no longer stay at home to just chill out by myself, i dont have me time, or friend time, his idea of me time means me by myself but he can still txt me and ask what im doing. He also bitches about what i wear..either i comply with what he wants ex(me wearing spandex shorts under a skirt) or deal with him being pissy. He holds what i say to a totaly promise. Like if i dont totally stay to it, he says i lied. Ive lied to him twice, small things, one was about who i had txted bc i knew he didnt like him but he checked my phone and saw it. Unlike most controlling boys he doesnt put me down, he puts himself down. I just miss the girl i use to be, confident, strong, outgoing, i miss the random times with my friends. Everything has gone down hill
July 27th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Hi Amanda,
Do you miss “the girl i use to be, confident, strong, outgoing, i miss the random times with my friends” enough to dump him?
Don’t anyone control you. Period.
Get over him and get on with a good life before the 7 months turns into 7 years with 7 kids and no job or money. Then you’ll really be stuck.
It’s not about whether he’s being fair or whether you’re right to not let him boss you around. It’s about what you allow on your island. Period!
Read the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Get a coach to help you stay strong, courageous and persevering, and to plan effective tactics if he objects.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 31st, 2010 at 7:47 pm
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