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How to stop a controlling boyfriend
By Ben | January 29, 2009
Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free.
Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career. She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.
When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life. He seemed to think so also. He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home. He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.
But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.
When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to. Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank. But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance. He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.
He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted. Or he could always win debates with her.
Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him. He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down. She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him. And she was afraid that he might even dump her. Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.
None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans. He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans. They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects. He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.
At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.” She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.” She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer. Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.” Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving. That means right now!”
Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No. If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying. I’ll get a ride or a take cab home. I won’t be long.”
Frank stormed off. When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious. He yelled, “I’m in charge. If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”
Madge felt like a chastised little girl. She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him. I could have left with him as he wanted. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.” She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.” When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl. Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”
At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start. Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage. “Wait a minute,” she thought. “It’s my house, not his.” At that moment her head and heart turned around. She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was. Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.
As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.
Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:
- They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
- They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
- Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive. Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
- You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
- You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.
Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money. He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life. And she had allowed him to.
I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life. That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad. But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.
Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods. That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them. If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, Stop Bullies CD | 69 Comments »
June 11th, 2009 at 8:34 am
[...] behave that way again. If they’re bullies, we’ll have to do the more difficult work of being more firm and forceful. Sometimes we can embarrass them to stop the bullying, but with relentless bullies we have to [...]
June 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
So what about the help for the people on the other side? The people who realise they are the controlling ones and have destroyed relationships? Do you offer any help for them?
June 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hi Andy,
Thanks for the comment.
Yes, I often work with people who want to stop controlling. However, advice and written lists aren’t useful. Lack of information isn’t the problem. You already know enough.
Success requires coaching; setting up specific tasks and following through. I design specific programs for each individual person. And it works.
Give me a call.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 9th, 2009 at 11:57 am
my boyfriend is constantly trying to control everything i do. i cant hang out with certain people cause he don’t like them, i cant have certain friends and so on.. what do i do?
thanks,
Melissa
September 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Hi Melissa,
Do what you want to do. You don’t need his permission.
What’s the worst case scenario? A bullying, control freak dumps you and then you’re free to find someone better to have the relationship you want.
Get the coaching you need in order to strengthen your backbone and learn skills.
For example, see the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
What’s the price for putting up with bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
October 20th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
so i think i have a controlling bf too. he always wants to have a beer every night after work on the car ride homw whether or not hes driving and it makes me extremely nervous but he wont stop. also he wants to smoke a joint everynight on the car ride home at 11 at night. this also terrifies me because i have a 2yr old daughter that hes not the father of. he constantly texts and calls me when hes at work to c where i am what im doing who im talking to. then if he finds out im over at my sisters and her husband is there he gets pissed off because ” her husband is nothing but a fat slob that wants to f*** me” is what he says. and im not aloud to hang out with one of my friends because her and her boyfriend cheat on each other and my bf’s philosophy is ” you are who your friends are. ” i dont understand why he has to be this way. also he constanly nags about how we dont have enough sex. if i try to tell him im tired he bugs and bugs me until i get angry and tell him no then he storms out of the room to drink a beer or smoke weed. but then he comes back after i fall asleep and often has sex with me while im asleep. he is awake obviously but i sleep heavy because i only get about 5 hours a night. when i wake up when hes doing this he just says ” shhh im almost done” but then i push him off of me and once again hes pissed off. i really need help and i dont know what to do. please, any advice?
October 26th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Hi Stephanie,
I’ll be very straightforward.
Pull yourself out of the need to decide whether or not your boyfriend is controlling before you give yourself permission to act. You don’t have to prove anything to his satisfaction. And if you think he’s right about some things, that doesn’t mean he’s what you want in your life.
You say you’re terrified and you don’t like his jealousy, his controlling you, forcing his way on you, sex with him and his being pissed off. No problem.
The problem sounds like you haven’t taken charge of your personal island. You get to set the standards before anyone gets on or stays on your island. You’re the only one who gets to vote.
If you don’t like his rules, his drinking, his joints, his sex, his control, his anger, tell him to change or he’s off your island. Period. Pay whatever price you need to in order to support yourself and get a new boyfriend.
If you don’t, you’re training your daughter to accept that bullying when she grows up. No matter what you say, she’ll learn what you do.
Also, totally separately, ask yourself: Are you doing things that would make the boyfriend you want jealous, does your sister’s husband want to hit on you, what are you teaching you daughter when you hang out with people who cheat on each other?
Make yourself worthy of the island your heart desires.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 28th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Hello Ben,
I don’t know if you’ll find the time to answer but i’d really apreciate if you did.
At this moment, after reading you’re text i just feel like crying… I’m 16, i have a boyfriend (my first boyfriend ever) and we’ve been together for two years.
At fist everything was just perfect, he gave me the best months of my life but since 6 months ago his controlling side is stonger than ever. Now i find myself with no friends (he made me lost contact with all of them, he said that they we’re bad for me and that some of them flirted with him when i wasn’t looking).
Honesly, when i leave school i go straight home because i’m afraid he’ll watch me talking to someone… he doesn’t want me to have my collegues contacts and no myspace for me (he says i’m to exposed). I always feel like someone is watching me… even at my own home.
I’m always stressed because i don’t want to say or do anything to upset him(i used to be a happy person now i’m just depressed all the time).
He gets angry all the time for insignificant stuff, then he won’t talk to me… and when i finally manage to make him talk he makes me feel like trash, like i do everything wrong and I start apologising immediatly (even though i know i’m wright).
He never ever made me a complement, he says i’m not pretty (my hair is too short, my skin is bad, my eyes are too small, and he even says i have to gain weight… If i get slimer, for him it means that i want other boys to look at me)
However, i truly love him… I know he is a wonderful person. We laugh a lot and he can be romantic (altought he only told me that he loved me twice… it’s hard for him). He is suportive and he hates to see me cry.
I don’t dream of leaving him, but… i feel like i’m not living, like he is my life and nothing else. But i know that if he keeps pushing and pushing me i’ll break… I feel kind of broken allready, but i can’t stop loving him.
Thank you,
Rachel Ross
November 30th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Hi Rachel,
You’ve been given a wonderful opportunity and learning: your first boyfriend ever and a perfect example for you of, “I’ll never do that again.” And it’s only your first. That’s much easier than realizing the same lesson when you’re much older and have three kids and are broke.
By the way, neither sex nor kids will make him better. They’ll make him more selfish and worse.
He’s a bullying control freak. Get rid of him. Vote him off your island. Do it fast and make a sacred vow with your spirit – “I’ll never be with a jerk like that again.”
You have a ton of feelings but you don’t know what good love is yet. Be strong. Get over your feelings. Kiss a whole bunch more frogs and maybe one will turn into a prince. This one won’t
Seriously, he’s NOT a good person. You’ll find a good person to laugh and love even more with.
Don’t care what he thinks. He doesn’t get to vote. You are your island! Protect your island from being trashed.
Hold out for someone who’s hot for you as you are – “short hair, small eyes, too thin.” Set him free to find his dream girl to bully. Set yourself free to find love that feels good.
You got one thing right: either you break the relationship or your spirit will break. Go love somewhere else. There are a thousand better ones out there.
I know it sounds hard but it’s clear, straightforward and simple. And you’re worth it! Have courage, inner strength and grit!
Read the cases of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Hey Ben,
I have a very controlling boyfriend. I’m 16 and this is the first time I’ve ever been in love. He was my first everything beisdes kiss and makeout. It will be our 2 years on feb 4th. And I love him with all of me. I really do.
But when we first got together he was the sweetest most caring guy I had ever met in my life. And I do everything for this boy. I buy him whatever he wants whenever he wants it and all I get in return is ur a selfish bitch. He’s constantly calling me a stupid bitch as well. I used to e the most popular girl in school with millions of friends but now I got to theropy every week for depresion. And just recently he told me I was no longer aloud to hang oug with my best friend. I’m not aloud to talk to her or even wave to her at school. I only have one great friend besides him left because I’ve sacrificed everything for him. And I constantly cry becaus I feel like I hve no life. I can’t even leave my house without him calling me and yelling at me for not being home. And he constantly puts me down. But I love him like crazy. Please tell me what I need to do. This is my last hope for advice.
Thanks. Amber-Lynn.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Hi Amber-Lynn,
Good start with boyfriends. You learned a lot and you’re only 16.
Stop giving him everything. You’re not getting back what you need. Vote him off your island, no matter how you feel.
Now go find your second boyfriend and give him everything and see how that works. And then your third and so on.
Even if they start good, as soon as they turn rotten, either they straighten out immediately and forever, or you put them in the trash with the other garbage.
Read the stories of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
January 9th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Hi Ben this article has inspired me to tell someone of my past experience. it is a very long paragraph but if anyone wants to read it and talk to me about it i would greatly appreciate it. my name is jessica.
Haha wow i thought i wass the only one dealing with this. I’m 16 and have already gone through all of these controlling things. my boyfriend is 18 and in college we met like a year and a half ago. i was in tenth grade and was so shy and quiet and i think that might be why he was attracted to me because i have no backbone and he would just tell me what to do and i would just say okay because i was afraid if i didn’t do it he would break up with me and this was in the beginning of the relationship. it only got worse to the point where if i was out with friends i would have to check up with him constantly and tell him who i was with and where i was going, in the end he eventually stopped “letting” me hang out with my best friends since 3rd grade because he said it was only in his best interest to protect me from them because they were bad people and he didn’t want me to end up like them, he called them “sluts” becuase they hung out with their guy friends and liked to go to dance and be crazy and have a good time. i started ditching my friends and was crying on a daily basis i knew what i was doing was wrong but i couldn’t stop because i loved him and i thought if i didn’t do it i would lose him and i didn’t want that to happen. later on things got worse to the point where i could never say no about anything, even anal sex he forced me to do it even after i said i didn’t want to and i cried as he did it and thought it was fine. anytime we would argue about him controlling me too much he would say it was only to protect me and i would eventually lose all the fights because he was ALWAYS right no matter what. later on he strated criticizing how i looked and said that i wore too much makeup or told me that clothes from a certain store were too ugly and would tell me how to wear my hair before going somewhere with him. he eventually sometimes would come over before i left my house to see what i was wearing and make sure it was okay for me to be seen with him. but the way i had to look for him was different from the previous posts i read. he liked me to reveal my body and wanted me to wear tight clothes so people would look at me and he sometimes would tell me that i was bigger than when he had met me and let me tell you i am 105 pounds and have never become more self conscious in my life. he would also take my phone and look through every text message and phone call to make sure i wasn’t doing bad things or talking to boys oand he would hold on to it the entire time we hung out just in case he even forced my to delete my myspace account and he now has my facebook password so he can check up on me and he always thinks that i want to do stuff with other guys which is completley irrelevant i would never i have him and he doesn’t understand i would never do that to. so anyway during the summer he went off to summer college and we made a deal he would stop controlling me as much and it worked for a little while. i started hanging out with my old friends and things were fine until one night they all broke down crying saying they were scared for me and missed me and that it wasn’t me to let some guy tell me what to do so they got me to break with him. later when he called me crying they took my phone away and i got very upset. the next day i thought how mean my friends were for making me do it and i thought i couldn’t believe they made me lose my boyfriend the only person i love and so… we got back together and i vowed to never do it again and he said that everything that had happened was out the door and i now have to ask him if i could some where and check in at all times. so it was the summer coming to end and he came home from college and i had been a cheerleader since probably 2nd grade and there was a cheerleading camp the week after he came home and i would have practice everyday 330-6 so he decided that it was best if i just didn’t do cheerleading anymore so that we could be together since he had spent half the summer at college and it would affect us seeing eachother and that if i didn’t quit there would be no way we could last because he was going off to college and it was our only time left to see eachother. so i quit and i cried when it told my coach and when she asked me why i said because i couldn’t deal with being with my “old” friends with whom i hadn’t spoken to since the night i broke up with my boyfriend. so the year went on he went to college and i was a junior which is my current grade now and so he went off and started doing what he wanted and started partying all the time and if i told him please don’t go out tonight i really don’t want you getting too drunk he would simply say no i’m in college … this hurt me because if he told me to do something i HAD to obey but as soon as i told him my opinion and what i wanted he suddenly had the choice of whether or not to listen to me. so i had to deal with it and i would get upset everynight because he would not answer my phone calls or would be too drunk to comprehend things i was saying and i just couldn’t take it so i waited until this past winter break for him to come home and i looked forward to it all year because it was honestly the only thing i had left since i have no friends now and do nothing anymore but sit home and do homework. so the first part of break was amazing and we hung out like everyday and he treated me so good and seemed like everything was perfect until i got a phonecall saying that he cheated on me in college multiple times.. so i brought it up and he got very defensive and grabbed my phone and read through it and started crying saying he would never ever do that to me and i believed him so i forgave him but a part of me still wonders… now he is still on winter break currently but he decided he wanted to go to florida so hes there for the week and has been there for a little while soooo last night my friend invited me to a party and i said i would go with her because she did not want to be alone, now since i knew my boyfriend would say no i had to lie about it and say i was going to her house eventually i felt too guilty and told him the honest truth he started saying that he couldnt date someone who partied and all this stuff and i told him just trust me like i trust you and he said i can’t ever trust you and so he broke up with me and said i was a liar and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that and all this stuff. the thing that gets me is again he is off doing whatever he pleases in florida but the moment i want to do something it’s and automatic no and for some reason him saying it was over didn’t affect me a lot and he hasn’t answered my texts from last night later but he did text me saying he will consider redating me. i love him more than anything and have given up so much for him but now reading all of these posts i realize i gave up so much so that he could just control me and cut me off from so much so that i would keep running back to him because he is now all I have . . . i don’t know what to do at this point i told him i loved him which is true and that I’m sorry for what I did even though when i went to the party i sat there and drank hot chocolate ha-ha. My friend and I have discussed this multiple times and cannot figure him out. he is a great guy but there is something greatly hidden behind him and i don’t know what it is. he has never met his mom and his guardians are his grandparents and he sees his dad from time to time but he is greatly spoiled and gets whatever he wants he is pretty wealthy and usually does try to buy my happiness like by going to the mall and saying get whatever you want but oh i have to approve it first. He says his past does not affect him and that he doesn’t worry about his mom and will talk about it. I’m not sure but he could be insecure but he is actually kind of conceited if that makes sense? he likes to look at himself and he started working out a lot recently he says for me but he’s in college so I don’t really know so anyway i think we’re broken up right now but who knows he is on vacation doing whatever he wants while I’m sitting here worrying about my life and thinking of what a mess it has become…. any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
January 11th, 2010 at 10:14 am
[...] Does he harass, bully, abuse or control you? [...]
January 11th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Noooooooooo Jessica,
Get him out of your life. Let him dump you and keep you dumped. Pray that he doesn’t give you another chance to be harassed, bullied and abused. Don’t talk with him, don’t text him, don’t answer him. Change your passwords. Get good friends he won’t approve of.
If you’re lucky, he’ll go away. But probably not, because he knows from your past performance that he can bully you.
Take charge of your life. Don’t give in to your feelings of love. Go love a good person just as hard. A person who’ll respect and admire you as you are. A person who’ll take your “no” as a “no”. A person for whom you don’t have to give up yourself.
You don’t have to prove anything about what he does when he’s away from you. He’s abusing you when he’s with you. That’s enough. Vote him off your island forever. He doesn’t get to vote.
You’re 16. Go love someone worthy more and better. Stop looking under slimy rocks for love. Have something more important in your life than loving toads – or being loved by them.
Don’t figure him out. Shake off the dust of this relationship and get away.
Don’t listen to what he says. Why would you believe someone who’s nasty to you?
I know it’s hard to turn away from feelings of love but if you want a good life, turn away from this object you’re obsessed with. Start worrying about how to make a great future, not a rotten one.
Create a good life.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
my friend has been dating this boy for 5 months and she was really happy at the begining and i was happy for her but than things started to change like now she can never hangout because her boyfriend is choosing where she goes, when she goes, and who she goes with. i’m really concerned because my best friend is depressed and she used to be a very happy go-lucky person. what should i do to help?
April 21st, 2010 at 9:00 am
Hi Amy,
You’re stuck in a common and bad situation.
There’s no one-right-answer. It depends on what you want most. So let’s explore some of possibilities involved. There are two areas; whether to say something and how.
If you say nothing:
1. Your friend could wake up one day and get it and leave him … and be angry or be grateful that you never said anything.
2. Your friend could wake up one day and get it and try to change him.
3. Your friend could slip further and further under his control and lose her independence and have a rotten life … and you will have lost a friend.
If you say something:
1. Your friend will get angry at you, defend the boyfriend and you’ll lose a friend.
2. Your friend will get it and straighten out the guy or leave and thank you (the one you hope for).
It’s all a risk about what will help your friend get free (if anything) and what will help maintain your friendship.
My experience has been that people like the control-freak boyfriend rarely change, even if they repeatedly lose girlfriends. I think it’s best to get away from them rather than try to rehabilitate them, especially since she’s only known him 5 months.
It usually takes 6-9 months before the guy changes and the target wakes up and realizes they’ve been taken over – they have no friends, they can’t go out, they can’t see relatives and maybe aren’t allowed to go to work. I think that after 9 months the target is hooked and will be caught for a long time.
Usually, at the 6 month stage the target doesn’t want to get away – after all, your friend is an adult and could get away if she wanted. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. You can’t even lead them to water much less get them to drink.
That’s all pretty complicated with too many possibilities for my little brain. Instead of trying to figure out how best to help her or how to maintain the friendship, I choose a different approach.
I decide how I want to be, what I want to see when I look into the mirror each morning, how I want to be a friend.
I know many people who prefer to let things happen, to let people do what they want without them intervening.
I’m an intervener. I tend to say things.
Your life is about your decision in this area.
If you choose to say something, I’d recommend that you focus on your relationship with your friend. Keep seeing her and keep focusing on the friendship. Remind her about how many friends she used have and keep her laughing.
Suggest that anyone who interferes with your friendship is not trustworthy; doesn’t have your best friend’s interests at heart, no matter how they justify it.
If you attack the boyfriend, at this stage your friend will probably defend him and cut off contact with you.
There’s no easy solution and most likely your friend needs to go down this slippery slope into isolation and dependency before she fights to get free. That’s when she might turn to you.
Good luck … and please let me know how it goes.
Ben
April 27th, 2010 at 1:11 am
Please give me some advice, iv been
with my boyfriend for about a year and at times he is the sweetest guy you can imagine. However since he lost his job, and was the victim of an assault he has become increasingly controlling. He has always been abit of a jealous and paranoid person but in the last 3 months or so has become like this. I’m now “not allowed” to go outside without him. To the local shop, with my friends for coffee. Anything. Iv tried reassuring him that he can trust me, tried explaining I’m 20 years old and I need my breathing space. It’s like being a child who’s not allowed to go outside as punishment. I had to beg just to be allowed to go to my neices 1st birthday party. Please help
April 29th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Hi, My name is Amanda. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months. He shows some warning signs of being controlling. He lives in New York and I live in Arizona. I am moving back to New York in June. I taught out here for two years but am now moving back to be closer to family and my boyfriend. After dating for 5 months my boyfriend started becoming more controlling. He told me not to go to Las Vegas with my friends on vacation, tells me what places he thinks are safe to go out, and asks me not to go out at night time because he likes to go to sleep with me on the phone. If I want to do something at night or try to make plans with my friends in a place he doesn’t ‘approve’ of, we fight about it and he makes me feel really guilty. Other than that he treats me really well, is loving, affectionate, thoughtful, and honest. He doesn’t ever put me down and is always there for me when I need him. I just feel like something is wrong and that he is partially controlling. I don’t know how to fix it.
Please write back if you can.
Amanda
April 29th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Hi Nat,
After what happened it’s easy to see why he’d become paranoid.
However, you need to put him straight. You won’t live with a controlling bully.
Stop begging or asking his permission. See the studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Go do the things you want to do. If he can’t stand it, he can leave. If he gets violent, throw him out.
You have to keep your space clear of controlling paranoids. He has to get with the program or get gone.
Do it before you get pregnant.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 30th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Hi Amanda,
I think that a good approach is to test him. Is he someone you want to go further with?
The way to test him is to do what you want, which doesn’t sound like you’re messing around with other guys or trashing yourself. Go with friends, go to places you want, go out at night.
If he gets angry, if he turns the guilt screws, if he dumps you, then you’ve found out before you get deeper in.
Don’t fight, don’t let guilt affect you. He can try, but no one can make you feel guilty; you have to accept guilt all on your own. Just do it and tell him to work out his insecurities with his therapist.
See the chapters in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Especially the sections about why people don’t get bullies and control-freaks out of their lives. Also see the studies of Brandi and Lucy.
I’m not cold and inconsiderate. It’s just that if he controls you now when you’re free, it’ll get much worse when you have three kids and are no longer working. And he thinks you’re stuck and helpless. And you think you’re stuck and helpless.
Get a good coach to help you get to your strength, your center.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 15th, 2010 at 11:32 am
hey, i have a boyfriend who ive been with for about 3 years now….iv known him much longer..and i also know what he used to be like.i ended a four and a half year relationship with my expartner and my current partner asked me out,i agreed and he moved in 2days later.he used to embarass me in front of people, talk about sleeping with other people, other women have ansered his phone, ive seen him pushin his exes baby when he sed he was going to work…but i knew he wasnt becaquse he wore his nice clothes and aftershave..he used to dissapear all the time and wen he used to have a drink, he made me feel like i was absolutely nothing to him, like i was something he stepped in…numerous people have told me things hes done behin his back, but he always seems to have a convincing story..i havent really got a life and my self esteem is absolutely shattered to bits.i really dont know what to do because its been so long being insulted and ruined, lied to and belittled it really is getting to the end.even though i feel like theres something worth trying for, hes made it so hard to trust him and see him as a friend.we dont really speak at all, he smokes and drinks and thats the only time hes nice or wants to talk or smile..he talks to other girls better than what he talks to me because when i speak or tell him how i feel, he tells me im stupid and to shut up..now social services are involved with my son because of domestic violence..and even though hes got better…its still not good enough..hes not trying hard enough to make me have a reason to stay with him.i love him to pieces…but i cant stand the way he is.i feel like a doormat..and though he tells me im not…he walks all over me and doesnt even change his sons nappy….what can i do to make the relationship work? coz even now, i feel like im the only one who gives a shit about it
May 17th, 2010 at 8:32 am
Hi bc,
I’ll be straightforward. I think you got it right: “i havent really got a life and my self esteem is absolutely shattered to bits.i really dont know what to do because its been so long being insulted and ruined, lied to and belittled it really is getting to the end.”
If you don’t get self-esteem and a life, it’ll get even worse. What’ll you do when another child comes?
The way to get self-esteem is to create a life. Don’t pay attention to what your mind and feelings tell you. Pay attention to getting work, money, and your own place. It may take 10 years of hard work. So what? You have nothing that will better your life more than that.
You can’t make this relationship work in any way that feels good for you or your son. Right now, by staying with your boyfriend, you’re teaching your son how to bully his girlfriend when he grows up. Your actions speak louder than words.
Don’t argue with your boyfriend’s convincing BS. He treats you like dirt. There’s nothing good to try for. You’re there because you feel helpless. Stop acting helpless. Do better for yourself and your son.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 18th, 2010 at 4:13 am
hey only me again,why does he treat me like this?? its so draining..i have dreams about him that are so real it makes me increasingly paranoid everyday….at the moment me and my partner are in a good phase,hes helping me out more and paying a little more attention..i told him how i felt and he told me how beautiful i was and that he loved me, im just worried that this wont last..i have a job and my own place..what can i do to be successful?? bc xxx
May 18th, 2010 at 4:15 am
and sorry..what is a BS? and i was considering another child..but should i?
May 21st, 2010 at 9:50 am
Hi bc,
As part of my living, I help people create specific plans to stop bullying in their lives. Please call me at 303-458-6616 if you want to talk – anytime now or later.
Coaching is good. You will need a plan in place so you’re ready to act effectively before, yes, before, he reverts to type in the next month or so.
Please, please, please don’t get pregnant until he proves himself for a long time; at least a year.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 30th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Hi my names kellie and ive read alot of these post and i relate to them on a very personal level. Me and my boyfriend Frank…which is ironic to the story, have been together for almost a year now. Im 19 and he is 25. And I am pretty sure he’s controlling, and maybe bi-polar. He has actually said the words “i am always right”. I have made a few mistakes in our relationship in the past, and he always has to bring them up and start fights about them. He makes me feel like i have to tell him everything i do, but when i do give him every little detail he always sounds uninterested like its not important. And when i try and ask him what he is doing, he gets mad and never gives me a really straight answer. I had found out that he had made a mistake a few months ago and when i asked him about it (completly un confrontaionally) he denied it for a little while then broke up with me and told me what i had been accusing him of was true. So i came to the discion to just let him be and stay away. But i do love this man and when he came back begging and crying to be with me, i of course took him back. I told him he had to change and he agreed and it was good for a while but i find him still doing the exact same things. He gets mad when i spend my money. and so most of the time i just hide where i spend it. I gave up my best friend of 5 years for him. But she wasnt helping either and was accusing me of treating her like a part time friend because i would spend time with him and he would always get mad if i texted her, or called. i felt as if they were both jealous of each other and i didt know what to do. so now when im not with him i dont have my normal life to live. im having to find new friends which he approves of. and he still gets mad when im around them and i usually have to lie. He always tells me not to lie but i feel i have no other choice if i dont want to fight. And when we do fight, i always lose even if, im in the right and i know hes wrong. i cannot argue my opinions if i ever want to end the fight. He’s never hit me, but has come close and does push me and has gotten close i think to full on hitting me. i relize this isnt the most healthy relationship and it is very one sided. But i love him because he can be the sweetest guy. but he has these moments that i just cannot take. i have a very deap fear of being alone. and now that i dont have my friends all i have his him. and i know that if we broke up my ex best friend would not want to hang out with me anymore out of spite. I really am very confused and have talked to a few people who just shrug and tell me its gotta be my decision. but i do not want to lose this guy. i always have the thought in the back of my head that maybe i can change him. maybe my open mindness and kindness would eventually rub off on him and he would relize what hes doing. just recently he went on a out of town trip with some of his guy friends and i was not alowed to go. when i asked him why he got all defensive and said it was because his friend was driving and he wanted it to be just the guys. and i read online that in order to be a good girlfriend you have to give them guy time. so i let him go and did not give him many troubles. and i do trust him, but i miss him also so when i call him or text him sometimes he doesnt reply and when he does i feel like im bothering him. but he tells me he misses me too. if he ever found out that i wrote this, it would be the end of the world and he would probley leave me. I dont want you to tell me to get away. Because i already know that would be the healthy thing to do. I would rather you help me change him. i want him to be a good guy. and i dont want to lose him. any ideas?
June 1st, 2010 at 9:43 am
Hi Kellie,
You’re pretty clear and I’ll be straightforward. You don’t want to be told what you need to listen to. Of course. You’re 19 and still into magical thinking. You’ll be good enough to change him. HA! Nonsense. It’s not about you. It’s about him. He has no reason to change. He loves controlling you and loves being angry and the melodrama of your lives.
Walk down the path of life with him; 5, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years. You’ll be more isolated. You’ll have no money. You’ll have a bunch of kids and that big one still at home controlling you and angry at you and you having to hide things. Enjoyable?
Read the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” It’s not about changing him. It’s about having standards you can live with and voting him off your island if he won’t be sweet all the time.
Deep in your heart you know what you need to do. Treat yourself like someone you love. Go find someone else to love. If your emotions control your life, you’ll lose your soul.
Clear, straightforward and simple. Just not easy.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 10th, 2010 at 1:18 am
HI BEN MY BOYFRIEND AND I BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS HE SAY HE LOVES ME BUT HE TELLS ME WHAT TO WHERE WHEN I SAID I WAS GOING WITH MY FRIEND HE POPPED UP AT MY HOUSE HE ALWAYS ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING 24 / 7 BUT IM NOT I KNOW HE LOVES ME BUT HIS INSECURITIES ARE BRINGING ME DOWN HE HAS PUSHED ME AGAINST THE WALL AND DOOR BEFORE HE ONCE PULLED MY SHIRT DOWN AND TRYING TO TELL ME I CAN’T GO OUT LIKE THAT WHAT SHOULD I DO IM ONLY 16 MY BF IS 17
June 10th, 2010 at 3:25 am
Hi Ben,
I just stumbled onto this sit and found it very interesting. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now and we were actually planning on getting married in August, but I have been having some really heavy second thoughts. I love him very much and we both want the same things out of life, so it seemed like the right thing to do. Lately though I have been realizing how controlling he can be. It has always been somewhat an issue, but it has been bothering me a lot. I am 20 and he is 22 by the way. He has always had trust issues because of the fact that his past 2 girlfriends cheated on him and with in the first 2 weeks we dated I kissed another guy. So since then I have made a lot of changes in order to gain his trust back. I do realize that was a very hard thing to start a relationship off with. But three years is quite a bit of time. I am no longer in touch with any of my high school friends and I have not made any new good friends since, other than becoming friends with the people he is friends with. And even them I need permission to go and hang out with them. If he is not there and if I do hang out with them all I get is questions about what did we do and what did we talk about. If he even sees me talking to someone he needs to know exactly what was said. And if its some one he doesn’t know that is a whole other story I feel I have to ask or almost beg him if it is ok and even if he says yes he makes me feel guilty about it, I still get all of the questions and on top of that he is mad about it for the next few days and he is grumpy and unpleasant to be around. It is at the point where I just go to work and then go home and then go to bed, every day, over and over. I don’t even make an attempt to make friends because it is not worth it. I’m just thinking I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore it is just him and me, no me. Its we like this person or we like doing this, or we like this movie or show. I can’t even cut my hair or by clothing without him either approving or getting mad about it. He really does have a big heart and I know he loves me, I don’t think he realizes how bad it is, even if I have told him a hundred times how upset it makes me and how many times he says he will work on it and that he is sorry. I don’t know if me telling him is doing any good. I just don’t know if it is worth it to keep try to make him change the way he treats me and work on our relationship and fix it, or just end it. Please help!
June 17th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Hey, i’ve been dating this guy for 4 months. I cheated in the beginning; I know I was in the wrong. But now he is acting like a total control freak. He was always a little controlling. Like he will ask me if i’m off work yet 5 times, and call me over and over until i answer. I know in my heart it isnt healthy and I do love him, but I can’t deal with a guy that sounds so mad all the time and pretty much yells at me in public when I’m being “stupid”. Help?!
June 18th, 2010 at 11:00 am
Hi Helen,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.
Unless you stop him, it’ll get worse. And he’s already getting physical.
I don’t mean that you should debate and convince him. I mean that you should stop him.
Take a break from him, whether he likes it or not. After a couple of months, you might allow him to start courting you again, bit by bit. You’re testing his behavior. If he treats you good, you’ll allow him one step closer.
The first time he goes back to his old behavior, he’s gone for good. One more strike and he’s out.
There’s a great example of this in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay.”
My experience with people like him is that he won’t change so you’ll save time by dumping him now. Vote him off your island. You’re young; find another prince. Treat yourself like you deserve better.
Don’t let him convince you that you’ll never find anyone else. Better to have free space than to have a bully taking up all the space.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 18th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Hi Kalyn,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.
He sounds very controlling and I pay more attention to the behavior, not the excuses for why he does it.
You set the standards of what you allow on your island. Like “no controlling, no answering his probing questions, no being grumpy.” Yes, I man “no grumpy.” Don’t waste your time and love on grumpy people!!!!
Make friends, whether he likes it or not.
You’re not trying to please him; you’re testing him. If he won’t act the way you want, vote him off your island. See the cases of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available from this web site.
Nooooooooo. Do not marry him; do not keep being with him unless he straightens out right away. If you don’t set and maintain the behavioral standards now, it’ll get much worse when you marry him.
Help yourself. Be strong, brave and determined. Honor yourself. Protect yourself.
Get an expert coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 18th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Hi Carrie,
Well, you made that bed but you don’t have to lie in it.
Probably he won’t get over it. So go find someone else and make a better start.
You have to become someone who deserves better and then you have to demand better or vote them off your island.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
I’m 16 and i have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 7 months. At first he was perfect, he was sweet, kind, and fun to be with. but about six months ago he started getting very controlling. He started to go through my phone every day and read all of my text messages. He doesn’t let me text my guy friends and he gets mad if i talk to guys at school (we go to different schools). He will get on facebook and ask people from my school who i talk to and what i wear. he doesnt like me wearing shorts (even during the summer) and he won’t let me hang out with my friends unless he has something to do. i always feel like i’m his second choice and if we have plans and something better comes along he will do that instead. And we live about fourty minutes away from each other and i’m always the one thats comes to see him. the last time he came to my house was in march and that was only because i had surgery. he hates my family and my family doesnt like him because of the way he treats me. i love him but its getting to the point that i just can’t take it anymore. i’m about to break down and i dont know what to do. he’s mad at me now because i am going to see my great grandmother (who is dying) in west virginia. i really can’t take it anymore but i cant build up the strength to do anything about it. he’s ALWAYS right and i’m ALWAYS wrong. my family is telling me to break up with him and i know its the right thing to do. i just can’t find the strength to do it.
thanks, Katelyn
June 28th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
He also doesnt want me to go to college. i’m a gymnast and i plan on getting a scholarship to a division 1 school. but he’s telling me that i have to stay with him and go to a community college.
Thanks again, Katelyn
July 9th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Hi Katelyn,
Sometimes things are simple and straightforward. Not necessarily easy, just simple and straightforward.
Test him to see if he’s worthy of you.
Don’t let him look at your phone. Text whoever you want – girls and guys. Talk to whomever you want. Wear the clothes you want. Hang out with your friends whenever you want. Definitely go to a Division I school!!!!!
If he doesn’t like it, if he complains, if he gets grumpy or angry, if he tries to argue, he’s not worthy of you. He’s trying to drag you down from a bright future. Don’t break down; DUMP HIM and fall in love with a better boyfriend. Don’t let your emotions, what you call love at 16 ruin your future. You really will fall in love again!
If you don’t find the strength now, you’ll be giving up your future and you’ll be making the same complaints 20 years from now only you won’t have a good job, you won’t have enough money to live well or get free. You’ll have 5 kids and no options or opportunities and you’ll know deep down that you were too weak to go cold turkey with someone who wasn’t worth it. Imagine a life like that; day after day after day. Hating your life nd him and yourself. Yuuuuk!
If he loved you, he’d encourage you to be as great as you could be even though that would be a risk for him if he wasn’t worthy.
Read the story of Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Get an expert to help you get strong. I do a lot of telephone coaching, but local would be great.
The next 70 years of your life is calling out to you. Don’t make excuses and let yourself down.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 26th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Basically, ive been with my bf for about 7 months now. He holds the intense things hes done for “me” over my head..the only reason i wanted those actions to happen was for his safety. I no longer see my friends whenever i want. He will allow me too recently bc i bitched about it quite a bit, but i must give him time in advance to notify him. I no longer stay at home to just chill out by myself, i dont have me time, or friend time, his idea of me time means me by myself but he can still txt me and ask what im doing. He also bitches about what i wear..either i comply with what he wants ex(me wearing spandex shorts under a skirt) or deal with him being pissy. He holds what i say to a totaly promise. Like if i dont totally stay to it, he says i lied. Ive lied to him twice, small things, one was about who i had txted bc i knew he didnt like him but he checked my phone and saw it. Unlike most controlling boys he doesnt put me down, he puts himself down. I just miss the girl i use to be, confident, strong, outgoing, i miss the random times with my friends. Everything has gone down hill
July 27th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Hi Amanda,
Do you miss “the girl i use to be, confident, strong, outgoing, i miss the random times with my friends” enough to dump him?
Don’t anyone control you. Period.
Get over him and get on with a good life before the 7 months turns into 7 years with 7 kids and no job or money. Then you’ll really be stuck.
It’s not about whether he’s being fair or whether you’re right to not let him boss you around. It’s about what you allow on your island. Period!
Read the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Get a coach to help you stay strong, courageous and persevering, and to plan effective tactics if he objects.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 5th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
this is a continuation from the above, what if he thinks that i need to “sacrifice” things for him which means i change what i do to “respect him”. How do i find the means to fix this situation?..i cant seem to find away to get it through that his idea of respecting what he wants is me changing who i am and what i want to do..idk how much longer i can deal with this :/
August 10th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Hi Jean,
Stop trying to get through to him and get through of him. Vote him off your island. Move on.
Why wait? Waiting is like getting up in the morning and banging your head hard ten times against the wall hoping you’ll get through it one day.
Read what Brandi and Lucy did in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Or Grace did in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”
I didn’t see what you were continuing.
Get help.
Best wishes,
Ben
August 20th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I recently got divorced, and was married for almost 10 years, I have three kids who are great. I met up with a guy from my past, dated whem we were teenagers, I am now in my early thirties. We started dating again a few months ago, things were great at first, but then started getting bad. He had me stop talking to my family, all of my friends, and even wants me to spend less time with my kids. I cheated on my husband with him, he thinks that now no matter what I do I am out looking for attention from other men, and that I am a whore and a bad person. He buys me expensive gifts and when he is in a good mood, he is nice to me. When he thinks that I have done something wrong or disrespectful to him, he turns into this mean person who calls me names and makes me feel like I am stupid and unworthy of all that he has done for me.
I am always wrong, no matter what. I am not to raise my voice to him at all, and if I even shake my head in silence he gets upset and tells me that I am disrespectful, and how mad he is with me. I am always scared that he will find something to fight with me about. Even commercials can bring up a fight if it has the name of a ex-boyfriend. I am not to takl to my ex-husband, even when it comes to the kids. If I get a phone call I have to put it on speaker phone so he knows what’s being said. He goes through my phone and pulls statements so that he can see who I text, and talk to. If he doesn’t know the number in my phone or from the bill, he will pay and investigate, then interogate me about it, asking me if I had sex with that person or if I wanted to.
I do all of the chores in the house, iron his clothes, dress him in the mornings, and try my best to be good and make him happy, but nothing is good enough. He has numbers of so many girls in his phone and pictures of him with other girls but I had to get rid of all of my pictures and even had to cancel my cell phone so he could put on his account so he could have total control and see what I was doing.
He also likes to hit/slap me and hurt me when we have sex. He takes pictures and makes me feel like I am there for him to do with as he pleases, he likes to tell me that I belong to him. I don’t know what keeps me there with him. When we are doing good, it’s so good, and he makes me happy, but at the slightest thing, that can change and than I am back to being a disprespectful whore.
Please help me!
August 29th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Hi Samantha,
I’ll be straightforward. You don’t need my help; you need your help. You know what you need to do and you need the strength, courage, grit and perseverance to do it. It won’t be pretty but it’ll get worse the longer you wait.
1. Since you cheated on your husband with him, he’ll assume you’ll cheat on him. Nothing you ever do will change that.
2. He started off nice and the closer you got, the more of a control-freak he became. You’ll never convince him to change, even by arguing that it’s not fair that he has girls on his phone but doesn’t want you to have guys on your phone.
3. You let him do things to you that violate your spirit. Whether you call it love or dumb, that’s not a good way to live. There’s a huge price for violating your spirit and doing what you don’t want.
4. He puts a little money in your parking meter by being nice once in a while. So what?
Get rid of him ASAP. Don’t argue, don’t debate, don’t ask him to agree. Just do it.
Right now, by staying, you’re setting a bad example for your kids – you’re teaching them by you’re actions to be either abusive bullies or victims. Don’t try to convince us that they don’t know or you told them differently. They’ll learn from what they sense and see.
You know he’ll get vicious. He’ll use the pictures against you. He may threaten you. You’ll probably need a lawyer and a restraining order.
The fact that you’re scared tells you that you should have escaped long ago.
Before you date again, get over your willingness to let yourself get violated in order to please and keep someone. At the first signs next time, get away.
Read about Brandi in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”
Best wishes,
Ben
August 29th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
Dear Ben,
I really need some good advice..I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years going on 5.I really do love him he is my everything but he is very controlling i see it now more than ever we just had our first kid in July a lil boy..Well of course the mom pretty much does everything when it comes to newborns..But he bosses me around with him tells me what i can and can not do where i can take him & everything…I want to kno is there anything i can do in the relationship to change the controllingness i try to leave & argue the point with him and tell him i am not having it but nothing changes & i need some advice..yes he has been controlling before our son came but now more than ever What do i do?>? Help Please..
Sincerly
Cayla M.
September 4th, 2010 at 10:14 am
Hi Cayla,
I’ll be straightforward; you said it. If he’s “your everything,” that includes being your boss and controller. And now you have a kid, which always increases the degree of difficulty of changing him or getting away.
To give you some ideas, read the studies of how Brandi and Lucy dealt with controlling boyfriends in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks”.
Basically, asking, arguing or debating without real consequences is begging. Begging doesn’t change bullies and control-freaks.
You must have high standards for behavior allowed on your island. That’s more important than what you call love or the bond you wished would really exist between you and anyone. People either live up to the standards or are voted off your island.
You’ll probably need coaching to develop the strength, courage and perseverance to make it happen. And a plan that’s specific for your situation and your comfort zone.
Best wishes,
Ben
March 8th, 2011 at 12:41 pm
Dear Ben,
I have never been more confused in my life. I am in a TOXIC relationship & I need help.
Firstly, I have paranoid personality disorder and my bf has borderline personality disorder. This already does not make a good combination. I would just like a little advice, because I am at the end of my rope.
Previously, I struggled with abuse in a 5 year relationship. Things ended very badly, and I never had time to truly “heal” from the breakup. There was literally NO break between my current bf and my ex.
(They are the only two guys I have been with. I am 19. My ex is 20 & my current bf is 21.)
Unfortunately, my ex decided to get revenge on me by hurting me 10x more than I originally hurt him. He succeeded, getting me to sleep with him at the beginning of my current relationship.
(Keep in mind I was 18 at the time and my ex was my first love, plus we had been together for so long; I was VERY confused. Although, that’s still no excuse, I just want to say why it happened & mention that it was in the very BEGINNING of the relationship.
To get more in depth about the current issue, I will start by saying my bf likes to blame all his stunts & antics on what “I did to him” and “how bad I hurt him.”
He has gotten physical, several times, leaving bruises all over my body.
(He was drunk, but that is still no excuse.)
Just last night, we got into a big argument. He started drinking but did not get that drunk.
I was so upset I even relapsed & started self-injuring again. (Which I haven’t done in years!)
Things kept escalating through-out the night, and he got physical, and even had me in a choke hold at one point.
The worst part about the night is what he said to me after the physical war had ended.
His dad was trying to calm him down, and explain to him that what he was doing is not love, and that he either needs to let me go or forgive me for my mistakes.
All my bf kept saying is how much I don’t do for him (I’M SUPPORTING HIM; HE HAS NO JOB.)
& how much of a selfish-bitch I am (I have worked in two nursing homes and took care of my grandfather with Alzheimer, and I currently take care of my handicap mother.
Not to mention everything that I do for HIM. (That doesn’t seem selfish to me?)
He even made a comment about my vagina saying that it is loose. (Of course it’s not loose, I’m 19 and have been with two guys!)
He kept belittling me (like he loves to do) and hurt me beyond the point of explaining how much emotional pain I’m in.
This is NOT the first time he has done this, and it’s not only w/alcohol.
I just don’t know what to do because he has me feeling like it is all me. I need to change. The biggest problem is that he is very smart and is VERY manipulative.
So, after telling me what I did wrong and bringing me down for a long time until he sees that I am very upset/down, and will throw in how sorry he is and that he is going to change. He tells me to have faith in him and that we are just under a lot of stress. (Which we are…but still…)
All my friends are sluts, and he doesn’t want me hanging out w/them. Although, he will say yes, but make sure that something comes up so I end up NOT coming through with plans that don’t include him in them.
I know that I cheated on him in the beginning of our relationship, but that was over 7 months ago & our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I’m not sure what to do. I care for him a lot, and love him deeply, but I cannot handle being treated like crap.
I think it is me that causes the problems, I really do. & I know that’s common for abusive people to want you to think that, but I think it truly might be something I am doing.
I always feel as if I am walking on eggshells around him & I feel like he is ready to blow up at any min.
Of course he says the exact same thing, EXCEPT, that he has to walk on eggshells or I “burst into tears over everything.”
PLEASE help me. I am supposed to be moving out with him, but my gut feeling tells me not to. I don’t see things getting better once we are on our own. I see them getting maybe a little better but then worse.
One more thing. As mentioned earlier, I support him because he does not have a job. (He’s not trying very hard to get one, either.)
I am forced to pay for EVERYTHING, and when I give him money, he keeps all my change and I find myself losing track of a lot of money. I don’t like it one bit.
His excuse for not having a job is because it looks bad on your employment history to have jobs for only a few months (since we planned on moving)and that he’s, simply put, too good for most of the jobs where we live. (A smaller, suburban area.)
I have spend THOUSANDS of dollars on him, easily. He didn’t buy me a birthday present, xmas gift, or vday present. (I mean…come on…he has an EBT card he couldn’t of got me at least some chocolate or my fav candy?)
I don’t know, I’m not saying I’m perfect, as NO ONE is, but I’m in need of advice.
Thank you.
Jennifer
March 11th, 2011 at 5:54 pm
Hi Jennifer,
I’m going to believe everything you’ve said and that it’s not paranoia. Someone is out to grab your mind, body and money. HIM!
In your gut, you know what’s good for you.
Don’t waste time trying to debate about whose fault it is. As if, before you leave you need to prove to him that he’s in charge of his emotions and how he acts is his fault. You don’t need to prove anything. Don’t care about his excuses for treating you bad. Don’t care about his blaming and justifications. You don’t need to be perfect or even good in order to get free. You can just leave because you want to.
And you really, really want to. Get out of there fast. Take your body, your mind and your heart, and get free. Take your spirit that wants to be treated better.
Get away; get alone; get clear on how you MUST be treated before you get involved with anyone again.
Go find love somewhere else. Don’t let your present idea of love or your today’s feelings run and ruin your life.
Learn the early warning signs of bullies and vote them off your island immediately – just because you feel like it.
Read the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Also see: Stop Bullies: Dump the Jerk Day
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/08/stop-bullies-dump-the-jerk-day/
Best wishes,
Ben
April 12th, 2011 at 4:37 pm
Hi Ben,
after reading these posts I just realized how I can relate to them. Even though, during these almost two years I’m together with him (I’m 19 and he’s 20), I sometimes did get the impression he’s controlling, I never paid that much attention to it, until stumbling across this site.
I also experienced the best months in the beginning of the relationship. He practically said “I love you!” at the second day we went out, always careful ad funny until some months further… It all started when I accidentally left one of my cell phone at his house. He always assured me he wasn’t a suspicious person and didn’t care who I talked to since he completely trusted me, but just a few hours later he was already texting like 10 messages about the fact I had messages of other guys in my cell phone, questioning each and one of them. After a fight he managed to calm down and promised he won’t ever do it again. Fact is he already went through my phone 3 times I know about… And each time he starts saying he trust me but just ends up making me feel guilty about talking to other guys beside him, since he assures he doesn’t talk to any other girls than me.
But it’s not only the cell phone incidents that worry me. Since our universities are in different towns he’s texting me every second and if I don’t answer in a minute or two he sends another 20 messages and even starts calling me asking why the hell it is taking me so long, maybe it’s because I’m paying attention to other guys or the people I’m with are more important than him?… He actually said he wants me to answer immediately, otherwise it seems like I don’t care enough about him.
He is always asking me who I’m hanging out with and if there’s a guy between them he immediately turns cold and angry, he even said he doesn’t want me to hang out with guys. He also doesn’t want me to go out at night. Whenever I do decide to go out he gets angry (he says he isn’t angry but you just can feel he is), making me promise I won’t talk to any guy and making me stick with my girlfriends (the few he approves of).
I already broke up with him last year… This didn’t go well. His sister ended up calling me telling he went to the hospital that very same night because he wasn’t feeling well at all because of what I did… He also called me many times that day crying, hitting stuff and just making noises which I can only describe as horrid. Even though I broke up he just kept calling and texting me the next days, making his mom call me until eventually I agreed on seeing him again after 2 months. He then showered me with flowers and presents. I can already imagine the people who read this thinking that I must have been pretty stupid that day I agreed, but I must say that besides these momentarily incidents (they occur only once in a while) he’s the sweetest guy and does practically everything for me. I also agreed on it since he just promised he would change, which went well the first months but then…
Anyway… I’m feeling pretty confused for a while now. Sometimes I feel like I’m so much in love with him I could just spend forever by his side and other times I just feel like there’s a weight on my shoulders and that I’d be better off without him, enjoying my young years. Sometimes I do tell him I’m not so sure about our relationship anymore and he just starts telling me please not to break up with him, that I’m his everything and there’s no one besides me, making me feel so bad and guilty about thinking such things about him. He once even told me I would regret the day I left him since I won’t ever find such a fine man as himself.
I’m also reluctant at breaking it off now since it’s about exactly the same time I broke it off last year. Which makes me think that I’m influenceable by the weather or so, haha.
As you can see some good advice would be very appreciated, since I’m confused he’s a real bully or just an insecure person (since he hasn’t many friends and he’s other girlfriends cheated on him)?…
Thank you so much for your help,
Ines.
April 13th, 2011 at 11:03 am
Hi Ines,
You have to make the big decisions in your life – even at 19.
It’s never about definitions about whether someone is a jealous, controlling bully or not. It’s 100 percent about how you want to be treated.
Insist that people treat you the way you want. Don’t give in to their reasons, excuses or justifications. I know he was scarred by the other girlfriends but the only way he’ll learn is if he has to change or lose you.
Some bad signs:
1. When you say you’re done, control-freaks and bullies either destroy stuff, get sick or threaten to hurt themselves or you.
2. When you leave, they get other people to coerce you, beg you or force you to do what they want.
3. When you resist, boundary pushing controllers argue, give presents, say they love you and make promises until they wear you down. Then they slide back into their old ways.
4. If you train them that you can be worn down, they’ll be even more persistent next time.
5. You think it’s your fault that you want what you want. Sneaky, manipulative, controlling bullies and boundary pushers make you feel guilty when you don’t do what they want.
It’s not about whether he loves you or how much; it’s about HOW he loves you. Does he love you the way you want? When he doesn’t, he has to change or be gone. Talk is cheap. Only actions count.
You may give him another chance. Insist that you’ll do what you want about phone calls and texts and that if he stalks you, he’s voted off your island. No debate, no argument. Then you have to stick with it. He’s been trained to pursue you so you’ll probably have to change phones and emails.
Fall in love with someone who loves you the way you want – all the time.
Read the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site. Get an expert coach to plan tactics designed for your situation and your comfort zone.
Learn now or it’ll only get worse.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 18th, 2011 at 8:52 am
Hey.
My names haifa, im 18 years old and im a victim of love.
me and my boy friend (20 years old) have shared and still do share amazing times together, he’s sweet amazing, has a beautiful heart and is so romantic.
so i had a fantasy about owning the Eiffel tower, and from the day i told him about this a week later he got a ticket to paris took me with him as soon as we go there, he send a messge to the royal palace in paris to the president himself asking him how much it would cost him to buy the eiffel tower and he explained how his beloved wanted to own it, and it was mailed, sop we waited for the letter but it never came, i as down and all, so he went to the palace and ask the guards and everyone there about it, in the end we had to go back and i was convinced that i cant own it. but this risk he has taken for me is just amazing. it was last week when he told me he wants me to meet his family, i was nervous at the beggining but then when i saw them they were just perfect, we laughed, had tea and much more. now were planning for our future and he asked me to marry him, and my answer was yes, but just when i graduate and he gets a job, he agreed to that too, he wanted to get married in a month or wenever its possible, he’s already going to leave his studying in the university … his dream, cause he was offered a job in a bank and it pays really well.
were in love, were planning our future, but it was only last night where i felt like he was controlling me, it went gradually he told me not to talk to my guy friends, he even ordered me to never hand shake with a guy ever again, and when i asked him why, he said that he wanted me for my self. so we always have a fight, hes the kind of stubborn person, he always gets wat he wants, if he doesnt he acts like a kid, doesnt want to talk to me and doesnt want to call me until things go good, and last night when i ACCIDENTLY mentioned the word ‘EX BOYFRINED’ He got really pissed and i hanged up the fone crying my eyes out cause of all the horrible things he said to me, and as usual i end up the one saying sorry all the time, and most of the times im right, but because i love him, i apologize.
and he never talks about his father, his father is always away, i always thought this had sumthing in the thing thats going on between us.
im his first love, i dont noe what he’s afraid of not letting me go out and did i mention the stalking where he called me and told me i was at this place at this time, wearing this and he was scolding me for wearing it, anyways i asked around abuot him, but ppl always stay quiet and tell me nothing, its always his enemies that say that.
i really love him, and i dont want to get him of my island, i want him in my island, i want to get married to him i want to have his babies, i want to sleep on the same bed he sleeps in, but im afraid it’ll get worse, im afraid it’ll be as worse as some of the cases above.
im really scared of the future, please tell me what am i supposed to do.
thanks you,
Haifa
April 19th, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Hi Haifa,
The quiet voice of your deepest intuition and spirit has already spoken the truth but your romantic fantasies and hormones are sweeping you toward disaster.
Yes, he’s rich and charming. But the warning signs are clear. 99.99 Percent of the guys with the warning signs only get worse, much worse, with time and when you’re hooked.
Warning signs you write are:
1. “…but it was only last night where i felt like he was controlling me, it went gradually he told me not to talk to my guy friends, he even ordered me to never hand shake with a guy ever again, and when i asked him why, he said that he wanted me for my self. so we always have a fight, hes the kind of stubborn person, he always gets wat he wants, if he doesnt he acts like a kid, doesnt want to talk to me and doesnt want to call me until things go good.” Maybe when he’s 30 he’ll stop being a kid who must get what he wants but you’re in for a painful ride while he’s learning. It’s even harder for rich kids to learn. Let him learn on someone else’s body.
2. “…and last night when i ACCIDENTLY mentioned the word ‘EX BOYFRINED’ He got really pissed and i hanged up the fone crying my eyes out cause of all the horrible things he said to me, and as usual i end up the one saying sorry all the time, and most of the times im right, but because i love him, i apologize.” So love means apologies. And you always apologize but he never does. What does that tell you about HOW he loves?
3. “…i dont noe what he’s afraid of not letting me go out and did i mention the stalking where he called me and told me i was at this place at this time, wearing this and he was scolding me for wearing it, anyways i asked around abuot him, but ppl always stay quiet and tell me nothing, its always his enemies that say that.” His psychoanalysis won’t help because you’ll never satisfy him enough that he’ll relax and be nice. And he’s 20 and he already has enemies.
Of course, you think he loves you so he’ll never treat you like an enemy. Abusive bullies and control-freaks have to get their way. Anyone who won’t give in becomes an enemy to be beaten into submission.
If you let your hormones rule, you will be “a victim.” Listen to the voice of your spirit that’s right to be scared. Or make the choice to be with him knowing how you’ll be treated as time goes on.
You can test him. Tell him how it must be in your personal space. No discussion, no argument. And see if he can do it.
If he tries to beat you into submission, verbally or physically, get far away.
Fall in love with another prince.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 20th, 2011 at 6:12 am
Dear Ben,
Thanks for answering back to me, I really appreciate it but when you said my hormones are taking over, im a girl … their meant to take over.
And I forgot to mention that before him I haven’t been so close to any other man for about a year and a half, cause I had real problems with the one before him, I really thought i loved that one, but he kept cheating on me, and I never knew until we broke up, and when I did find out I lost my trust to everyone, to my family and my friends, I became insecure, I always learn to get up from a bad relationship but from this one, I never did get up.
But then he came and swept me of my feet, I used to reject everyone, I told him about my trust issue, and he kind of helped me get through it, he helped me a lot, and now I trust him, and no one else, I don’t know what would happen if I ever stopped trusting him, if I ever stopped loving him.
I’m afraid to leave, and then never have the chance to trust anyone else, ‘I have the fear of being alone’.
I talked to him about it, about this trust and jealousy issue, but I didn’t tell him about the controlling part. But there was something I have noticed in him, when we were out yesterday he told me how much he loved me and then we kissed, I thought if he was controlling and abusive, he would force me into doing things, like one of the other cases above where one of the girls mentioned that he forced her into having anal sex, but he stops whenever I stop and nothing more, as you mentioned ‘Abusive bullies and control-freaks have to get their way. Anyone who won’t give in becomes an enemy to be beaten into submission.’ And you said ‘abusive’ wouldn’t he be forcing me into physical things when were alone, doesn’t he respect me by doing that?
And about the enemies doesn’t everyone have enemies, I mean isn’t it normal to have enemies, not everyone’s going to love you.
I really appreciate what you advised me to do about the testing him, but Im more confused than ever now.
Thanks again,
Haifa
April 25th, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Hi Haifa,
I know you have those hormones – we all do when we’re 19 – but you have to decide who runs your life; you or your hormones. They’re NOT meant to take over because you’re a girl. That’s a cultural myth/stereotype.
Also, you have to decide what you’re going to believe about people. Are all guys not to be trusted, how do I test who to trust or not, how much to trust who, etc? Those are skills to be learned and beliefs to be decided on. You’re stronger than your ideas/beliefs/problems.
Don’t be afraid of being alone. Be more afraid of being alone when you’re with someone who treats you bad. Be courageous.
Abusive people have different strategies and use different sequences to control people they want to. Some agree to your rules at first and then, slowly, step-by-step cross over them. No generalizations.
Don’t think in terms of abstrictions, like “abusive” or “enemies.” The more you think in order to figure it out, the more confused you’ll become.
Do keep testing him by setting your boundaries and seeing if he wants to stay enough to live with them. Keep focusing on the behavior and actions you will accept in your environment.
Coaching would help.
Best wishes,
Ben
May 19th, 2011 at 11:37 pm
hi I have been in a 4 year relationship, and have a 2 year old daughter with him, I have been feeling depressed lately and having second thoughts about us being together. He control’s me , I cant go any wheres without asking him first and if i do go its never alone, i always have to take my daughter with me, I never get space, sometimes i feel like a little kid asking for permission ever if its to go to the store. my friends ask me to go out for a girls night and he gets mad if i mention it, so i stop asking and him and just tell m friends im doing something that night so I cant go, they dont even ask me anymore, when his friends are here he acts like hes so cool and even yells at me in front of them, extremely embarrassing. tells me im jealous of him because his friends come and visit him and mine dont come see me, I feel alone, I tried leaving in the past and he wont let me take the baby so I stay because i dont want to fight and Im not leaving my child. what do i do? how do I make it a easy break up? and how do we get out?
May 23rd, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Hi Amy
I’m glad your depression is alerting you to act before it’s too late.
You’re seeing the classic signs of narcissistic control-freaks, bullies and abusers. It’ll only get worse with time.
Stop debating, arguing, asking permission. Stop begging. Do what you want to do even if you’re afraid. Let him get mad. If he escalates that’s a sign you need to get away –fast.
Find out about local safe houses if you need.
Get a lawyer so you can plan ahead to get the baby.
There is no easy way to get away but there are smart and skillful ways. Be smart and skillful. Be brave and strong.
Get away before your daughter is older or before you have a second child and become more dependent.
Your spirit is calling to you – even if it’s hard. It’s the life your spirit is calling you to.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 5th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
[...] The question they must answer is whether it’s more important to keep a marriage at any cost, while giving in to fear and despair, or whether it’s more important to risk demanding the behavior they want in their personal space. And if someone won’t behave decently, either they’re voted off our island or we leave theirs. [...]
June 5th, 2011 at 7:05 pm
So me and my boyfriend have been together for not even 2 months, and I think he is a bit controlling. He got mad at me because I went to a club & even though I did NOT cheat on him & told every guy there that tried dancing with me that I have a bf, he got pissed. He also said that maybe he should start going to clubs and get girls. And anytime I don’t hangout with him on the weekend and hangout with friends instead, he gets mad and says that I ditch him. he claims that he doesn’t care that I go out, but really, he does. He also always nit picks my flaws, like how I should wax my mustache or how many pimples i have on my face. I still want to be with him. but it’s just.. I don’t know. Hes my first bf, I’m 17.
June 6th, 2011 at 11:33 am
Hi Amanda,
Decide how you want to be treated (no mean, nasty, fighting) and insist that anyone who gets into your personal space treat you that way.
If he doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated, get rid of him. Vote him off your island! Don’t argue or debate. You don’t have to convince him that you’re right or your standards are fair. You get treated the way you want because that’s the way it is.
For example, see “Power is Better than Empowerment,” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/
Or “7 Signs of narcissistic control-freaks,” http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/02/05/7-signs-of-narcissistic-control-freaks/
Also, decide how you want to act. What’s the best you have in you? What kind of behavior do you aspire to live up to? Then do it.
You can find good love in lots of places.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 26th, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Figures a man wrote this article. You could have saved alot of time with this article by just writing “leave him/her”.
June 28th, 2011 at 10:16 am
Hi,
My boyfriend is driving me nuts.
He does so much for me, but i cant stand him sometimes.
I bring home the bacon, and he takes care of the house and my son.
But because hes raising my son the way he should be raised, he feels like hes doing so much and i dont appreciate it.
I do.
But sometimes it feels like hes trying to be my father instead of my partner.
I cant even have a drink with 2 of my very best friends at our barbque because he doesnt drink and he doesnt want me too either..(and at the barbq its just going to be us 3 and our kids for 4th of july.)
We get into arguements over the dumbest stuff because i refuse to agree with some of the things he says and wants.
I think it has alot to do with our personalitys… hes a leo and im a taurus.
Weve had a fight about whos the “man” and who “wears the pants”.
Im not one to roll over but it seems like ive already done so.
June 30th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Hi Sam,
How about sharing your story?
Best wishes,
Ben
June 30th, 2011 at 5:31 pm
Hi Nicole,
Sounds like there’s no middle ground or room to stay friends while you disagree. Sounds like either you agree or fight to the death.
Try counseling.
Or do a balance sheet – is the fighting worth the goodies of what he does for you.
It probably won’t get better on its own. Imagine 20 years from now when your son has moved out and it’s just you and your boyfriend, alone together. How much fun will that be?
Act now to resolve it.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 25th, 2011 at 12:37 am
Hi. My name is cassie and I’m 16. I’ve found the love of my life very early.. we met and started dating when I was 14. He was my first everything but kiss and making out.. I have given him my heart completely and I love him more than anything. He used to be unbareably controlling.. but he’s changed a lot. But he still texts my friends meanly if there’s a picture on Facebook he doesn’t like of me.. and he even deleted my MySpace and convinced me he’d be better if we deleted our Facebooks.. I’ve lost a lot of friends and I don’t hang out with anyone but him anymore while he’s having the time of his life.. my friend (who is a guy) invited me to go to a museum with him and 3 other girls. One of which he’s almost dating.. and my boyfriend got really mad.. I don’t know what to do.. please help.
July 25th, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Hi Cassie,
Please listen to the voice of experience: Rarely is the one you love at 14-18, THE one. And, in your case, definitely NOT.
No matter how much your boy friend says he loves you, he doesn’t know HOW to love you good.
Make the rules for your life and if he won’t live by the graciously, make distance, whether he likes it or not.
Change your passwords and tell him to get out of your life until he grows up (at least 2 years) and learns how to love you sweet. Then he can come back and court you and you’ll decide.
Tell him he’ll never get you back by threats or force, only by a long break and sweet love. He won’t believe you so he’ll try to force you. Never give in to force. If you do, it’ll only get worse. Look how bad it’s gotten already.
Get protectors.
Your standards must count more than your feelings. Look for love in other places. You’ll find it.
Read about Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 8th, 2011 at 2:46 am
Please help me
I have been dating someone for two years now. I am currently 21. All past boyfriends have been physically abusive with me or cheated have cheated on me. My focus is school right now. My boyfriend is going through the same amount of course work as I am, but it wasn’t always that way. Before, I was taking several more courses then him and had to constantly be hitting the books. My major is dependent on my academic achievement. One night before a major final my boyfriend came over and told me that I was being selfish for studying so much and not spending time with him. I needed to become less “consumed” in my studies and actually notice him once in a while. At this point in our relationship we have been dating for about a year. I told him that I could not possible understand how he thinks I am selfish for studying. I told him my priority is and always has been school first. After our fight I thought if I made an effort to do things with him more often he would feel more appreciated. So the next day I called him and asked him if he wanted to get some ice cream with me. I could tell he was happy I was making an effort to see him, and for a few months we were okay.
My boyfriend is a very pessimistic guy. He complains about everything all the time and is so negative. I literally feel like he drains the energy out of me sometimes. I have told him repeatedly that he needs to be positive and look at the bright side of things, but he denies the fact that he even complains that much. Everyone at our work says he is the most complaining person they have ever met.
A big thing we used to fight about was sex. I am always up late studying and therefore am very tired a lot of the time. One time he asked to have sex and I said I was too tired, he then badgered me and pleaded with me and said “Please baby I am so horny.” I stuck firm to my beliefs that I will never have sex if I don’t want to. This instance made me want to have sex even less frequently, and so when he would ask I would commonly say no. I only had sex when I wanted to and on my terms. It got to the point where he was keeping track of how much sex we had, “We haven’t had sex in a week,” “We haven’t had sex in two weeks.” He then got more upset and said sex is a very important part of a relationship and we don’t have any! I told him I agreed it was, and that what was so important about it was both partners feeling like they don’t have to be forced into it. I told him it was my body and I chose what to do with it. After a while he would say things like “Let me guess you are too tired,” “Think we will have sex this month?” I thought maybe I was abnormal for not wanting to have sex. At the beginning of our relationship we would have sex sometimes twice a day! Then I realized I didn’t want to have sex because the option to refuse was filled with guilt and manipulation. I would not have sex feeling manipulated and I would not have sex just to make him happy. Up until recently I went on with this feeling. Eventually he stopped pressuring me and I wanted to have more sex, things were looking up. However now, he is going through a more strenuous course load and is in bed earlier then I got to bed, and up earlier then I get up. He has recently turned me down several times for sex, saying he is too tired. I never once argued with him about it and I understood completely.
When I don’t respond to my bf right away in a text message, or when I am zoning out when he asks me a question, or whatever reason in whatever context I do not answer him right away he says “good talk” I find it very disrespectful and have stated it several times. I surprised him one time and bought tickets to an imax movie. Later in the day he found out one of his best friends, who happens to be a girl was coming into town. He invited her and well as another guy to the movie. I told him all week I wanted it to be date night, but I understood he wanted to see his friends as well. The plan was that after the movie I would stay at his house and we would get up early, make breakfast together and drive to work. During the imax movie, he made plans to go out to breakfast with his friends, and he called out of work. He had driven to me to his house earlier, so now that he broke plans with me I was going to need him for a ride. I was incredibly hurt and I told him so, I didn’t mean to but I broke down into tears and explained to him that I didn’t appreciate being ditched with no regard and I further explained how him saying “good talk” to me hurt my feelings. I cried the entire way home. Outside my house Erik pulled over and apologized, promising to make an honest effort to act more respectful and caring. He felt terrible that he made me feel so sad. The resolution of this night made me feel appreciated but more importantly it made me feel heard.
For the past year now my boyfriend is constantly be littling me infront of other people. He does not put me down in the sense that he talks ill of my appearance or personality characteristics, but so that I am the constant butt of his joke. It got so bad one day at work that I told him (His headphones were on and he couldn’t hear me) that when he talks in such a hurtful way towards me it makes me look bad. I didn’t know my co-worker was in the same room. He is much older than me and told me I was absolutely right. Later when my boyfriend was gone he told me that everyone at work are in shock of the way he talks to me and they are constantly saying how disrespectful he is towards me. This man compared me to an abused wife who keeps coming back to her abusive husband. He said replace the physical abuse now with mental. It’s the same thing and you don’t stick up for yourself. He told me that he thought my boyfriend didn’t even know he was being so disrespectful when he talked to me. But it was something he considered to be a deal-breaker. Talk to him heart to heart and tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t change or doesn’t care to listen then you need to be strong enough to leave. So I had the talk. It was an emotional one. At first he was defensive asking me to state examples. I firmly said, “This is how I feel Erik this is relevant to me, and I don’t need to cite every example in which it happened, just know it does and it needs to change or I cant be in this relationship anymore. He broke down and was quietly crying on the way home. He agreed to work hard to not be disrespectful and asked me kindly to call him on it when he is. And so I do, “This is what Im talking about Erik,” “You can not talk to me like that,” “I am your girlfriend and I demand respect and courtesy.”
My bf and I got in a huge fight several months ago and he told me that Im selfish for studying so much and ignoring him and that I need to learn to give him more attention and some other complaints. I told him that I needed space bc I couldnt handle him getting upset at me every time I couldnt see him and he told me that he didn’t want space, because that meant breaking up.
So i went out with some friends from work that night….who definitely didnt have my best interests in mind. They kept buying me drinks and more drinks. I got veryr drunk and kissed a different guy. I called my room mates to pick me up and drop me off at my bfs house where i told him everything and was a hysterical blubbering mess. He told me i disgusted him and that im the reason we fight and im completely out of control and he thinks i have serious mental problems. He then drove me to my house and told me he needed space to think.
Every single day i called him and texted him and told him how much i loved him, i wrote a 5 page letter explaining why i loved him and how bad i messed up. He told me a few days later that he still loved me and understands i was just stupid drunk and he forgave me but told me he would need time to heal from it. That night he invited me over to watch a tv show. Usually after I watched a show at his house I would just stay the night. So after the show I was confused about what to do. He sat by my in silence for a while and then he kissed me. I was so happy. We kissed passionately and ended up having make up sex.
Cheating on my bf made me feel by far the worst I have ever felt. I have never cheated on anyone and i kisssed another guy. As soon as the guy kissed me i burst into tears.
So my bf and I got over it and we became super close because of it. THANK GOD>>>>But ever since then when I drink I only have like one or two because Im afriad he will get mad at me or judge me for drinking too much. Even when we were in Vegas a month ago I barely drank at all. My friend flew down to stay with us (Me,my bf, and his two friends) She really wanted to go to this club but my bf said that it would be filled with “douche-bag guys who would be hitting on me all the time.” Plus the dress code required slacks and close toed shoes for men and my bf wasn’t dressed to code. I could tell he was embarrassed about it so I decided I wouldn’t want to make him upset and told my friend we weren’t going in.
My friend recently invited me to vegas for her bday. My bf went to vegas with all of his guy friends before I was 21. When he was leaving he asked if I was okay with it. I told him he was a grown man and I trusted him, but if the situation was reversed I would expect the same courtesy. After I cam back from vegas with my bf this last time I asked him if he would be okay with me going on an all girls trip, he said that would be fine. I felt the need to ask him if I could go this time. I asked him, “Can I please go to Vegas with my friends.” He told me that its different with girls, that I was going to be hit on all the time and that my friends are alcoholics and I always drink too much with them, and I couldn’t drink much anyways because my tolerance is so low. He told me he didn’t want me to go, so that night I told him I wouldn’t. Later with some thought I decided I shouldn’t need his permission to go out. I am not aloud to go out to bars with my friends without him and now I wasn’t aloud to take a trip for my best friends birthday. I realized I have missed too many trips with my friends and I am beginning to drift apart from them. The next day I told him his double-standards and inequitable idea of our relationship needs to quit. He said, “Oh double-standard like how I told you you couldn’t go toVegas? Well fine then screw it go, get drunk, get hit on by everyone and prolly get in a bad situation.” I told him I was going to vegas and he said “Oh so you are just going to go with or without my permission huh?” I told him I was a grown adult and that I didn’t need his permission, that my friends are a part of who I am, and that person is who he fell in love with. And from now on I am going to go out with them when I want and I shouldn’t have to ask him if its okay first. He freaked out on me and told me we would talk about it later that he was exhausted and wanted to finish watching his show and go to bed. The next day I asked him when he wants to talk. We decided on Friday (Two days from now) night.
I need help. I love this man incredibly and I know he loves me. He’s been there through so much family drama, he is sensitive and compassionate and he cares for my well being. I am worried he is completely ignorant about how he is acting and I don’t know how to show him. When I tell him he is doing something to make me mad he instantly makes up excuses. When I argue with him I can see him mentally shut down and zone me out. He argues and raises his voice and interrupts me when he thinks Im wrong. He never believes he is wrong and I don’t believe he is able to put himself in my shoes, I don’t know if he is able to understand how he is acting. I don’t know if he can see a problem with his controlling and pessimistic attitude. How can I make him see how he is acting? How can I finally be clear to the point that he understands? And changes? How can I be clear enough so I am satisfied that he heard me, that he understands me? If he still chooses to not change I am at the point where I will have to leave. As codependent as I have become I need to learn how to stand up for myself and how to not accept disrespect and manipulation.
September 13th, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Hi Jasmine,
Sorry I couldn’t respond sooner.
Please pull back from all the details and distractions, and look at the overall pain you’re living with now. Then I hope it’ll be clear.
Don’t be lost in arguments and debates about who’s right or deserves. You simply decide the behavior you want on “Your isle of song.” It’s that simple – no excuses, reasons, justifications, BS.
Seems to me your spirit is crying out in pain while it wants you to fight free.
Test him. Is he willing to act the way you need in order for him to be on your isle? If not vote him off. Simple and clear – just not easy.
A big test is to watch your energy. Energy vampires must be thrown off your isle. Period.
I know there’s a part of you that says, “Loooooove.” You have to decide who runs your life. Your spirit and your future or your temporary emotions.
You need to focus on your studies because that’s your drive. He needs to get over himself or move on.
See:
Stop Bullies Who Demand their Way
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/08/21/stop-bullies-who-demand-their-way/
Stop Bullying: Support Good Behavior Instead of Bad Blood
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/08/28/stop-bullies-support-good-behavior-not-bad-blood/
To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/04/to-increase-confidence-and-self-esteem-test-the-world-not-yourself/
Once you clear your space of people who trash it, you’ll find lots of better love that feels great.
You probably need expert coaching to stay connected with your inner strength, courage and determination. And to create and carry out a plan that fits you.
Call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
Best wishes,
Ben
November 6th, 2011 at 10:10 pm
Am I crazy? My boyfriend comes home late all of the time, he works at a pub and often times he gets home (drunk) at 7am or later. He gets angry when I go out with my friends while he is at work and checks the home alarm to see when I left and returned. This morning he called me at 9:00 he was drunk and asked me to come pick him up, I refused so he got a ride home. Upon arrival I calmly confronted him and he started yelling at me for being out from 11pm-2am last night, again he had checked the alarm. I tried to explain that I need time with my friends too, I had two drinks and really enjoyed myself. After fighting this morning he went to sleep and woke up around 5pm, slammed some doors and wouldn’t talk to me. Again I calmly confronted him stated that he was not being fair. Now I should mention that I have secured my own place again, I lived in my own apartment up until 3 months ago when I moved in with him. I am moving out the end of this month as I am sick and tired of stressing about everything, he knows I am moving and agrees that it is for the best though we initially talked about trying to make things work. Anyway back to the story, 5pm he gets up and won’t talk to me by 9pm (when he has to go to work) he is wanting to cuddle and work things out. I get broken up with several times a week, I have tried to make change and adapt to some of his expectations but I know in my head and in my heart that this is wrong. I read other people’s posts on here and think “you silly girl – get the hell of out the relationship”. SO why is it that when I try to wrap my head around leaving him (for good) I just can’t do it? I read all of the ‘controlling boyfriend checklists’ and he fits the bill to a frightening extent but for some reason I seem to love the guy. I grew up with a drunk, controlling and abusive father and I always promised myself that I would never be with a man who acted that way, so why am I having so much trouble??? The worse part is I know the response already, wish me strength.
November 13th, 2011 at 8:49 pm
Hi Jacy,
You seem to think that being calm, reasonable and kindly matters. You seem to think that his agreement to your plan matters. It doesn’t matter to him. He wants what he wants and that’s all there is to him.
Often people who “grew up with a drunk, controlling and abusive father and I always promised myself that I would never be with a man who acted that way,” feel love toward the same kind of person and keep trying to change them like they wanted to change their fathers. And keep failing – of course. Stop trying.
Stop giving into your feelings. That’s not love. Go find love somewhere else.
What’s crazy is staying in a situation that’s so painful.
Stop trying to wrap your head around psychology and simply get out no matter how bad it feels or hard it is.
Then get expert coaching before you make the same mistake with another guy.
Your future is calling to you. Save your spirit.
Call me – 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543) – or we can use Skype.
Best wishes
Ben
November 25th, 2011 at 9:07 am
My boyfriend is also a control freak, and he doesnt even trust me that now, he doesnt want me to interact with my guy friends because for him it was flirting, and he chooses my friends, he really is a control freak, I dont wanna lose him bec, I love him so much, but the way he treats me is not right, another thing is he is too claimy and sensitive, i want to work things out with him but i dont have the strength to confront him. It feels so bad. You are right, at first theyll do everything to court you, and when you said yes theyll control you. I hate this. What do i have to do? What to say?
(((
November 28th, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Hi Cath,
I’ll be straightforward. Love is not what you feel; love is much more than that.
Here’s a great quote:
“Maybe it is more important to not pay attention to how much your partner claims they love you or how much you feel you love them as to judge them by how lovingly they treat you.”
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change him or to make the situation with him better.
Get far away. Go find better love somewhere else. Love that feels good because you’re treated lovingly.
And in between, figure out what attracts you to control freaks.
Your future is calling you. Your spirit is crying out to you.
What’s the price for tolerating bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!
Get going before you get pregnant.
Best wishes,
Ben