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How to stop a controlling boyfriend
By Ben | January 29, 2009
Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free.
Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career. She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.
When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life. He seemed to think so also. He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home. He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.
But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.
When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to. Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank. But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance. He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.
He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted. Or he could always win debates with her.
Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him. He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down. She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him. And she was afraid that he might even dump her. Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.
None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans. He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans. They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects. He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.
At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.” She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.” She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer. Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.” Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving. That means right now!”
Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No. If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying. I’ll get a ride or a take cab home. I won’t be long.”
Frank stormed off. When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious. He yelled, “I’m in charge. If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”
Madge felt like a chastised little girl. She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him. I could have left with him as he wanted. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.” She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.” When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl. Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”
At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start. Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage. “Wait a minute,” she thought. “It’s my house, not his.” At that moment her head and heart turned around. She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was. Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.
As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.
Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:
- They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
- They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
- Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive. Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
- They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
- You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
- You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
- They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.
Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money. He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life. And she had allowed him to.
I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life. That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad. But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.
Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods. That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them. If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, Stop Bullies CD |
June 11th, 2009 at 8:34 am
[…] behave that way again. If they’re bullies, we’ll have to do the more difficult work of being more firm and forceful. Sometimes we can embarrass them to stop the bullying, but with relentless bullies we have to […]
June 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
So what about the help for the people on the other side? The people who realise they are the controlling ones and have destroyed relationships? Do you offer any help for them?
June 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hi Andy,
Thanks for the comment.
Yes, I often work with people who want to stop controlling. However, advice and written lists aren’t useful. Lack of information isn’t the problem. You already know enough.
Success requires coaching; setting up specific tasks and following through. I design specific programs for each individual person. And it works.
Give me a call.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 9th, 2009 at 11:57 am
my boyfriend is constantly trying to control everything i do. i cant hang out with certain people cause he don’t like them, i cant have certain friends and so on.. what do i do?
thanks,
Melissa
September 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Hi Melissa,
Do what you want to do. You don’t need his permission.
What’s the worst case scenario? A bullying, control freak dumps you and then you’re free to find someone better to have the relationship you want.
Get the coaching you need in order to strengthen your backbone and learn skills.
For example, see the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
What’s the price for putting up with bullying? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
October 20th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
so i think i have a controlling bf too. he always wants to have a beer every night after work on the car ride homw whether or not hes driving and it makes me extremely nervous but he wont stop. also he wants to smoke a joint everynight on the car ride home at 11 at night. this also terrifies me because i have a 2yr old daughter that hes not the father of. he constantly texts and calls me when hes at work to c where i am what im doing who im talking to. then if he finds out im over at my sisters and her husband is there he gets pissed off because ” her husband is nothing but a fat slob that wants to f*** me” is what he says. and im not aloud to hang out with one of my friends because her and her boyfriend cheat on each other and my bf’s philosophy is ” you are who your friends are. ” i dont understand why he has to be this way. also he constanly nags about how we dont have enough sex. if i try to tell him im tired he bugs and bugs me until i get angry and tell him no then he storms out of the room to drink a beer or smoke weed. but then he comes back after i fall asleep and often has sex with me while im asleep. he is awake obviously but i sleep heavy because i only get about 5 hours a night. when i wake up when hes doing this he just says ” shhh im almost done” but then i push him off of me and once again hes pissed off. i really need help and i dont know what to do. please, any advice?
October 26th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Hi Stephanie,
I’ll be very straightforward.
Pull yourself out of the need to decide whether or not your boyfriend is controlling before you give yourself permission to act. You don’t have to prove anything to his satisfaction. And if you think he’s right about some things, that doesn’t mean he’s what you want in your life.
You say you’re terrified and you don’t like his jealousy, his controlling you, forcing his way on you, sex with him and his being pissed off. No problem.
The problem sounds like you haven’t taken charge of your personal island. You get to set the standards before anyone gets on or stays on your island. You’re the only one who gets to vote.
If you don’t like his rules, his drinking, his joints, his sex, his control, his anger, tell him to change or he’s off your island. Period. Pay whatever price you need to in order to support yourself and get a new boyfriend.
If you don’t, you’re training your daughter to accept that bullying when she grows up. No matter what you say, she’ll learn what you do.
Also, totally separately, ask yourself: Are you doing things that would make the boyfriend you want jealous, does your sister’s husband want to hit on you, what are you teaching you daughter when you hang out with people who cheat on each other?
Make yourself worthy of the island your heart desires.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 28th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Hello Ben,
I don’t know if you’ll find the time to answer but i’d really apreciate if you did.
At this moment, after reading you’re text i just feel like crying… I’m 16, i have a boyfriend (my first boyfriend ever) and we’ve been together for two years.
At fist everything was just perfect, he gave me the best months of my life but since 6 months ago his controlling side is stonger than ever. Now i find myself with no friends (he made me lost contact with all of them, he said that they we’re bad for me and that some of them flirted with him when i wasn’t looking).
Honesly, when i leave school i go straight home because i’m afraid he’ll watch me talking to someone… he doesn’t want me to have my collegues contacts and no myspace for me (he says i’m to exposed). I always feel like someone is watching me… even at my own home.
I’m always stressed because i don’t want to say or do anything to upset him(i used to be a happy person now i’m just depressed all the time).
He gets angry all the time for insignificant stuff, then he won’t talk to me… and when i finally manage to make him talk he makes me feel like trash, like i do everything wrong and I start apologising immediatly (even though i know i’m wright).
He never ever made me a complement, he says i’m not pretty (my hair is too short, my skin is bad, my eyes are too small, and he even says i have to gain weight… If i get slimer, for him it means that i want other boys to look at me)
However, i truly love him… I know he is a wonderful person. We laugh a lot and he can be romantic (altought he only told me that he loved me twice… it’s hard for him). He is suportive and he hates to see me cry.
I don’t dream of leaving him, but… i feel like i’m not living, like he is my life and nothing else. But i know that if he keeps pushing and pushing me i’ll break… I feel kind of broken allready, but i can’t stop loving him.
Thank you,
Rachel Ross
November 30th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Hi Rachel,
You’ve been given a wonderful opportunity and learning: your first boyfriend ever and a perfect example for you of, “I’ll never do that again.” And it’s only your first. That’s much easier than realizing the same lesson when you’re much older and have three kids and are broke.
By the way, neither sex nor kids will make him better. They’ll make him more selfish and worse.
He’s a bullying control freak. Get rid of him. Vote him off your island. Do it fast and make a sacred vow with your spirit - “I’ll never be with a jerk like that again.”
You have a ton of feelings but you don’t know what good love is yet. Be strong. Get over your feelings. Kiss a whole bunch more frogs and maybe one will turn into a prince. This one won’t
Seriously, he’s NOT a good person. You’ll find a good person to laugh and love even more with.
Don’t care what he thinks. He doesn’t get to vote. You are your island! Protect your island from being trashed.
Hold out for someone who’s hot for you as you are - “short hair, small eyes, too thin.” Set him free to find his dream girl to bully. Set yourself free to find love that feels good.
You got one thing right: either you break the relationship or your spirit will break. Go love somewhere else. There are a thousand better ones out there.
I know it sounds hard but it’s clear, straightforward and simple. And you’re worth it! Have courage, inner strength and grit!
Read the cases of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Hey Ben,
I have a very controlling boyfriend. I’m 16 and this is the first time I’ve ever been in love. He was my first everything beisdes kiss and makeout. It will be our 2 years on feb 4th. And I love him with all of me. I really do.
But when we first got together he was the sweetest most caring guy I had ever met in my life. And I do everything for this boy. I buy him whatever he wants whenever he wants it and all I get in return is ur a selfish bitch. He’s constantly calling me a stupid bitch as well. I used to e the most popular girl in school with millions of friends but now I got to theropy every week for depresion. And just recently he told me I was no longer aloud to hang oug with my best friend. I’m not aloud to talk to her or even wave to her at school. I only have one great friend besides him left because I’ve sacrificed everything for him. And I constantly cry becaus I feel like I hve no life. I can’t even leave my house without him calling me and yelling at me for not being home. And he constantly puts me down. But I love him like crazy. Please tell me what I need to do. This is my last hope for advice.
Thanks. Amber-Lynn.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Hi Amber-Lynn,
Good start with boyfriends. You learned a lot and you’re only 16.
Stop giving him everything. You’re not getting back what you need. Vote him off your island, no matter how you feel.
Now go find your second boyfriend and give him everything and see how that works. And then your third and so on.
Even if they start good, as soon as they turn rotten, either they straighten out immediately and forever, or you put them in the trash with the other garbage.
Read the stories of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
January 9th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Hi Ben this article has inspired me to tell someone of my past experience. it is a very long paragraph but if anyone wants to read it and talk to me about it i would greatly appreciate it. my name is jessica.
Haha wow i thought i wass the only one dealing with this. I’m 16 and have already gone through all of these controlling things. my boyfriend is 18 and in college we met like a year and a half ago. i was in tenth grade and was so shy and quiet and i think that might be why he was attracted to me because i have no backbone and he would just tell me what to do and i would just say okay because i was afraid if i didn’t do it he would break up with me and this was in the beginning of the relationship. it only got worse to the point where if i was out with friends i would have to check up with him constantly and tell him who i was with and where i was going, in the end he eventually stopped “letting” me hang out with my best friends since 3rd grade because he said it was only in his best interest to protect me from them because they were bad people and he didn’t want me to end up like them, he called them “sluts” becuase they hung out with their guy friends and liked to go to dance and be crazy and have a good time. i started ditching my friends and was crying on a daily basis i knew what i was doing was wrong but i couldn’t stop because i loved him and i thought if i didn’t do it i would lose him and i didn’t want that to happen. later on things got worse to the point where i could never say no about anything, even anal sex he forced me to do it even after i said i didn’t want to and i cried as he did it and thought it was fine. anytime we would argue about him controlling me too much he would say it was only to protect me and i would eventually lose all the fights because he was ALWAYS right no matter what. later on he strated criticizing how i looked and said that i wore too much makeup or told me that clothes from a certain store were too ugly and would tell me how to wear my hair before going somewhere with him. he eventually sometimes would come over before i left my house to see what i was wearing and make sure it was okay for me to be seen with him. but the way i had to look for him was different from the previous posts i read. he liked me to reveal my body and wanted me to wear tight clothes so people would look at me and he sometimes would tell me that i was bigger than when he had met me and let me tell you i am 105 pounds and have never become more self conscious in my life. he would also take my phone and look through every text message and phone call to make sure i wasn’t doing bad things or talking to boys oand he would hold on to it the entire time we hung out just in case he even forced my to delete my myspace account and he now has my facebook password so he can check up on me and he always thinks that i want to do stuff with other guys which is completley irrelevant i would never i have him and he doesn’t understand i would never do that to. so anyway during the summer he went off to summer college and we made a deal he would stop controlling me as much and it worked for a little while. i started hanging out with my old friends and things were fine until one night they all broke down crying saying they were scared for me and missed me and that it wasn’t me to let some guy tell me what to do so they got me to break with him. later when he called me crying they took my phone away and i got very upset. the next day i thought how mean my friends were for making me do it and i thought i couldn’t believe they made me lose my boyfriend the only person i love and so… we got back together and i vowed to never do it again and he said that everything that had happened was out the door and i now have to ask him if i could some where and check in at all times. so it was the summer coming to end and he came home from college and i had been a cheerleader since probably 2nd grade and there was a cheerleading camp the week after he came home and i would have practice everyday 330-6 so he decided that it was best if i just didn’t do cheerleading anymore so that we could be together since he had spent half the summer at college and it would affect us seeing eachother and that if i didn’t quit there would be no way we could last because he was going off to college and it was our only time left to see eachother. so i quit and i cried when it told my coach and when she asked me why i said because i couldn’t deal with being with my “old” friends with whom i hadn’t spoken to since the night i broke up with my boyfriend. so the year went on he went to college and i was a junior which is my current grade now and so he went off and started doing what he wanted and started partying all the time and if i told him please don’t go out tonight i really don’t want you getting too drunk he would simply say no i’m in college … this hurt me because if he told me to do something i HAD to obey but as soon as i told him my opinion and what i wanted he suddenly had the choice of whether or not to listen to me. so i had to deal with it and i would get upset everynight because he would not answer my phone calls or would be too drunk to comprehend things i was saying and i just couldn’t take it so i waited until this past winter break for him to come home and i looked forward to it all year because it was honestly the only thing i had left since i have no friends now and do nothing anymore but sit home and do homework. so the first part of break was amazing and we hung out like everyday and he treated me so good and seemed like everything was perfect until i got a phonecall saying that he cheated on me in college multiple times.. so i brought it up and he got very defensive and grabbed my phone and read through it and started crying saying he would never ever do that to me and i believed him so i forgave him but a part of me still wonders… now he is still on winter break currently but he decided he wanted to go to florida so hes there for the week and has been there for a little while soooo last night my friend invited me to a party and i said i would go with her because she did not want to be alone, now since i knew my boyfriend would say no i had to lie about it and say i was going to her house eventually i felt too guilty and told him the honest truth he started saying that he couldnt date someone who partied and all this stuff and i told him just trust me like i trust you and he said i can’t ever trust you and so he broke up with me and said i was a liar and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that and all this stuff. the thing that gets me is again he is off doing whatever he pleases in florida but the moment i want to do something it’s and automatic no and for some reason him saying it was over didn’t affect me a lot and he hasn’t answered my texts from last night later but he did text me saying he will consider redating me. i love him more than anything and have given up so much for him but now reading all of these posts i realize i gave up so much so that he could just control me and cut me off from so much so that i would keep running back to him because he is now all I have . . . i don’t know what to do at this point i told him i loved him which is true and that I’m sorry for what I did even though when i went to the party i sat there and drank hot chocolate ha-ha. My friend and I have discussed this multiple times and cannot figure him out. he is a great guy but there is something greatly hidden behind him and i don’t know what it is. he has never met his mom and his guardians are his grandparents and he sees his dad from time to time but he is greatly spoiled and gets whatever he wants he is pretty wealthy and usually does try to buy my happiness like by going to the mall and saying get whatever you want but oh i have to approve it first. He says his past does not affect him and that he doesn’t worry about his mom and will talk about it. I’m not sure but he could be insecure but he is actually kind of conceited if that makes sense? he likes to look at himself and he started working out a lot recently he says for me but he’s in college so I don’t really know so anyway i think we’re broken up right now but who knows he is on vacation doing whatever he wants while I’m sitting here worrying about my life and thinking of what a mess it has become…. any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
January 11th, 2010 at 10:14 am
[…] Does he harass, bully, abuse or control you? […]
January 11th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Noooooooooo Jessica,
Get him out of your life. Let him dump you and keep you dumped. Pray that he doesn’t give you another chance to be harassed, bullied and abused. Don’t talk with him, don’t text him, don’t answer him. Change your passwords. Get good friends he won’t approve of.
If you’re lucky, he’ll go away. But probably not, because he knows from your past performance that he can bully you.
Take charge of your life. Don’t give in to your feelings of love. Go love a good person just as hard. A person who’ll respect and admire you as you are. A person who’ll take your “no” as a “no”. A person for whom you don’t have to give up yourself.
You don’t have to prove anything about what he does when he’s away from you. He’s abusing you when he’s with you. That’s enough. Vote him off your island forever. He doesn’t get to vote.
You’re 16. Go love someone worthy more and better. Stop looking under slimy rocks for love. Have something more important in your life than loving toads - or being loved by them.
Don’t figure him out. Shake off the dust of this relationship and get away.
Don’t listen to what he says. Why would you believe someone who’s nasty to you?
I know it’s hard to turn away from feelings of love but if you want a good life, turn away from this object you’re obsessed with. Start worrying about how to make a great future, not a rotten one.
Create a good life.
Best wishes,
Ben