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10 Best ways to raise spoiled brats
By Ben | January 27, 2009
There are many methods that even well-meaning parents use to raise spoiled brats instead of wonderful, creative, well-behaved, civil, strong children. The fundamental factor in raising arrogant, selfish, nasty brats is their parents’ consistency in attitudes, approach and actions.
The underlying attitude that creates demanding, bullying tyrants is that if children are never thwarted or forced to do what they don’t want to, they’ll be more creative and happy, and their self-esteem will be higher. This attitude is very prevalent among the helping professions; especially therapists and teachers.
What I say will anger people who think in black-while, all-none. Those are people who think that the only choices are total freedom and praise, or total repression and beatings. How silly to think that way.
What do you see other people doing to train their children badly?
My top 10 attitudes, approaches, techniques to create willful, domineering brats and teenagers are:
- Never correct them or say, “No.” Help them think they’re sensitive, weak and fragile. Be afraid that if their feelings are hurt, they’ll never get over it.
- Always give them everything they desire. Don’t teach them that they might not get what they desperately want at the moment and that they can still be happy. Give them control of every decision. Never force them to do what you want. Instead, always try to get them to understand that you’re right so they’ll willingly do what you want them to.
- Never show displeasure or tell them that they failed to meet your high expectations. Always tell them that their efforts are always good enough; no matter how good or pathetic the results.
- Always tell them that they should succeed instantly or that what they can’t do, isn’t important. Also, tell them that hard work and struggle aren’t important. Blame everything that they don’t like on other people (bad friends, bad teachers, bad schools, bad society), not on their insufficient or mediocre effort. Always tell them that the world is supposed to be fair and make them happy.
- Always let them misbehave without correction or consequences, instead of calmly applying consequences whether they like it or not. Hold your tongue or repeatedly tell them not to do something, but don’t actually do anything effective until you can’t stand it anymore and you throw a fit.
- Always give in to their fits and temper tantrums in order to get them to stop. Train them that you’ll give them whatever they want if they throw fits in public.
- Always excuse their bad behavior because they’re “cute” or “creative.”
- Always allow them to avoid chores or helping out because it’s no fun for them.
- Be afraid that if they’re angry, they won’t love you. Always try to be their confidant and best friend.
- Never smack their bottoms or grab them to make your point or to let them know that sometimes they will do what you want, no matter what.
To raise spoiled brats, consistently give in to them and excuse their bad behavior. Of course that doesn’t prepare them to succeed in the real-world they’ll face as adults.
If you start these approaches with infants, you can create manipulative, demanding teenage bullies who think that they’re entitled to everything they want and you’re supposed to provide it. They’re the kind of children who may be living at home when they’re 40. And you’ll wonder why, deep down, you don’t like them any more than they like you.
But don’t go to the other extreme and beat them into submission.
Think of the qualities you want them to develop and make sure they have many opportunities to practice these qualities. For example:
- Will, self-mastery, courage and discipline.
- High energy, emphasis on action and seeking solutions instead of blame.
- Grit, determination, dedication, drive, commitment and focus.
- Persistence, perseverance, patience, endurance and tenacity.
- Resilience, flexibility and humor.
- Comfort in ambiguity and productive inconsistency.
- Heroism in the face of discouragement so you’ll treat obstacles like speed bumps.
- Learning from great models, heroes, mentors and coaches.
- Taking calculated risks and making the most of opportunities and luck.
Without your guidance and discipline, they won’t magically develop those qualities when they’re 25.
You’ll find examples in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.” Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Topics: Coaching, Consulting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book, parenting |
January 27th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Hah. Awesome. The 10 things describe to a T the way every student in my wife’s classes acts. When did the parenting rules change like this?
January 28th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Hi Ken,
Sorry your wife has to try to teach kids who are raised that way.
When we were beginning parents, back in the 60s and 70s, many other parents started trusting their kids’ judgment completely and thinking that their kids (all, but especially theirs) could and would do no wrong. It became the accepted belief in a huge sub-culture of our society.
Our children went to “Free Schools” and then “Open Schools” in the County system in the early 70’s. Back then, those ideas were articles of faith in those places.
We never thought that of our kids, but we saw so many parents believe it. And, of course, their kids made the most of it.
It’s Democracy in action. Actually, I do think that’s the logical extension of the idea that each person knows best for him/herself.
Of course, the seeds of the idea started in appropriate reaction to the ignoring, exploiting or oppressing of children. But everything gets carried to its logical extreme, where it produces terrible results. That’s often caled, “The law of Unintended Consequences.” Or that’s the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other.
Those poor parents who acquiesce to their children’s demands for control usually end up dealing with spoiled, selfish, demanding teenagers who think they’re entitlked to whatever they want. I also feel sorry for children who are taught to think that they could succeed in the real world with those attitudes.
I’m just thrilled that our children and grandchildren aren’t that way.
I think that the bottom line is that we should ignore the popular articles of belief at the moment (today’s parenting fad) and instead, choose our own methods of raising our children based on our own experience and observations of what is working.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 29th, 2009 at 6:01 am
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December 16th, 2009 at 3:16 am
Hello its Claire here ive got a question for you all
if you don’t mind
i’ve been tremendously lucky in my life of 20 years i had a wonderful up bringing and always loads of money
so i was just wondering if you could tell me because i don’t know if all that luck has turned me into a spoiled brat
so i was just wondering what are the symptoms of someone who is a spoiled brat because i cant really answer that question by myself
and is it good for a child to be brought up that way?
because my family and friends aren’t going to say anything to me
December 17th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Hi Claire,
First, take an honest look in the mirror:
• Do you have to get everything you want … immediately?
• Do you throw fits if you don’t get what you want?
• Do people have to do what you want or you get angry?
• Do you boss service people around?
• If you don’t get something, can you shrug your shoulders and move on cheerfully?
• Do you talk about yourself all the time?
• Do you put off things you want in order to help other people or to do things for them?
• If you don’t get compliments, what do you do?
• How hard are you willing to work to get what you want?
• You’re 20 - when will you support yourself even if you’re not rich enough to do or get what you want?
Second and even more important:
Stop looking for a standard that says “spoiled” or “not spoiled” and decide how you want to be. Then live like that no matter how hard it is at first.
Glad you’re thinking about it. That’s a good sign.
If you want help looking at yourself, get a wise coach.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 19th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Great article! Maybe if we took a trip back to the days of old, kids wouldn’t show up to school with guns, assault their teachers and parents, and act like spoiled, entitled little brats. It really scares me to imagine what our country is going to be like in 20 years. We are turning into a nation of whiny, spoiled, ungreatful little babies and we are going to suffer for it if we don’t turn it around. It all starts with good old fashioned parenting.
January 28th, 2010 at 8:55 am
Thanks Jay, I agree.
And our country has been through many times when it’s been just as bad. We’ve been lucky that we’ve always had enough challenges to stimulate us to bounce back.
Funny, every species makes excess and goes through population explosions and reversals. People also.
I’m not discouraged. I focus first on the world closest to me and then expand outward, one person at a time. That’s coaching and mentoring.
Hope you do also.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben