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In Defense of Teasing – NOT
By Ben | December 10, 2008
In his article in the New York Times on December 5, 2008, “In Defense of Teasing,” Dacher Kelter writes in defense of teasing. A section of his article has been widely quoted, “The reason teasing is viewed as inherently damaging is that it is too often confused with bullying. But bullying is something different; it’s aggression, pure and simple. Bullies steal, punch, kick, harass and humiliate. Sexual harassers grope, leer and make crude, often threatening passes. They’re pretty ineffectual flirts.”
I think he’s missing the crucial point that helps you decide when teasing is bullying and when it’s not. And it’s really simple.
When two people agree to tease and know the limits and boundaries, teasing can be a lot of fun. And even allow things to be said in a friendly way that might be hard to say or hear in other ways.
But when only the “teaser” wants to tease, but the “teasee” doesn’t want it, then it’s bullying. And the effects on the “teasee” can be quite damaging if the “teasee” does rise up and stop it. When the “teasee” stops it, he or she grows much stronger in character, courage and skill.
That simple guideline is the same for teasing between adults as well as teasing of and by children or teenagers. It’s also the same for teasing at work.
You know how you feel when someone has crossed the line with you, but how to tell when you’ve crossed the line? Usually the other person’s baffled, hurt or angry expression will tell you.
It’s that simple.
I give examples of how to deal with unwanted teasing in my book “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and the CD set “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.” Of course, we coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Bullies at School, Hostile Workplace, parenting, Parenting Bully-Proof Kids Book, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, Stop Bullies CD | 3 Comments »
December 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
[...] In Defense of Teasing – NOT [...]
November 17th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
It’s unfortunate, but it feels like that as long as there are genetics involved, we’re going to be a victim to both in some way or form.
November 18th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Hi Amy
I’m not sure what you’re getting at.
I don’t accept being a victim. I may be a target and I may have little/no control about that, but I find that if I don’t accept being a victim, I have a better chance of fighting the predators. And we all know that sometimes we get killed. There is no guarantee of success.
Acting like a victim may get big settlements in court but it doesn’t make for a great life.
Our job, the job of all of us, as it was for all our ancestors, is to do our best to be invulnerable to fate and to face in the best ways whatever life hands us.
Our human history is full of people and their stories who were examples of living with dignity, strength, courage, perseverance and resilience no matter what. And examples of those who didn’t. Call me and I’d be glad to help you find the ones that will keep you on your path.
That’s at the heart of both “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up”. That’s also at the heart of all my work with people who need reminded to touch that fiery core in themselves and then plan effective tactics.
Best wishes,
Ben