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Getting over parents who wound their children: the 2nd stage of growing up and leaving home
By Ben | April 25, 2008
Obviously there are great parents. And there are children who repeatedly wound their parents. But let’s focus on parents who repeatedly wounded their children … and still continue to bully and control them even after the children have become adults.
Whether that’s done consciously and intentionally, or the parents are righteous and oblivious to the effects they’re having, or they think that they’re preparing their children to be humble and moral or to face a hostile world, the pain is real and the effects can last for decades.
Before we review a typical case study and offer the keys to moving on and creating the life you want, let me ask, have you been wounded by your parents?
In general, boys are wounded just as much as girls, but let’s look at Irene. She’s now a skilled and competent nurse, but getting there was a long struggle. Her parents relentlessly belittled, denigrated and punished her. They didn’t hit her often, but they forced her to do everything their way. They knew best and were always right; she was always wrong. They said that her character and personality was fundamentally flawed. Despite everything they did for her benefit, they knew she’d never be a good or successful person. She’d always be a loser.
In response to their hostile criticism, emotional blackmail and verbal abuse, Irene became insecure and shy. Although she was very mature and competent in her professional life, when she faced her parents, she became a little girl again. She was intimidated by their certainty and rules. Facing these bullies, Irene became a self-bully; bullied by the old attitudes, beliefs, rules and critical voices she carried in her head.
Irene was like so many other wounded people in life-long therapy. She was completely focused on her parents’ continuing bullying, on resisting them, on hating them, on finally pleasing them, on getting past them. She gnawed on the bone of her parents endlessly. She was depressed and sometimes suicidal. She thought she needed repeated catharsis to keep functioning.
The relationship with her parents consumed her life. Irene kept trying to convince them to give in to her and to approve of her so she could feel good. She just wanted them to be fair and reasonable … and to like and appreciate her. She thought she mustn’t ever create a safe distance from them even though they still bullied her. The guilt would be overwhelming.
Let’s focus on the perspective that gave Irene back her life. I think there are developmental transitions we all go through. The first stage of growing up and leaving home is when we leave physically. Most of us go to school, get jobs, get stuff (homes and cars), get spouses or partners, get children, get debts … get self-supporting. We often move away so we can spread our wings without our parents’ eagle eyes on us. Then we think we’ve become free and independent adults. Externally, maybe.
We usually make this outer transition between the ages of 16-35. When did you?
But that’s only the first transition. There’s a second, necessary transition before we become truly unique, independent selves. In this transition, we clean out the internal mental, emotional and spiritual homes we gave our parents. We discard everything we took in when we were children. And we take in what fits us now. Some of the attitudes and ideas may be the same as our parents have, but much of it will be different.
In this transition, we get over our parents. The present and the future we want to create become the focus of our world. Our parents aren’t the focus any more. They no longer fill up our world. We move them off to the side or into the background, whether they like it or not.
Now we can take in attitudes and ideas as adults; adjusting them with our adult experience and wisdom. Children take in ideas as black-or-white, all-or-none RULES, and apply those rules everywhere. There’s no gray for them. Adults know there’s gray in many areas. We all did our best and it was good enough to keep us alive and get us to where we are now. But we didn’t have the experience to judge with wisdom. We misunderstood, misinterpreted and had very narrow visions. We were kids.
This second transition is usually age and life-stage dependent. For example, our careers reach a plateau, we can see the children leaving home, we become middle-aged, we notice the same, repeating life patterns and lessons, or we wonder if we’ll ever fulfill our heart’s desire.
Are you there yet?
When we’ve done this, we’re no longer controlled by our parents’ voices, rules, beliefs and attitudes. We have our own view of life and what’s important for us and how we can get it. We can create the life we’ve wanted, independent of whether they like it or not. We may or may not reject them; we’re simply not controlled by them or by having to be like or different from them. We make up our own minds.
When Irene saw her life’s movement with this perspective, she heaved a sigh of relief. She wasn’t a loser or flawed sinner caught forever in an insoluble bind. Her parents’ opinions of her faults and what she needed to do were merely their personal opinions, shaped by their upbringing. Nothing more truthful or important than personal opinions. She no longer put them on a pedestal.
She wasn’t helpless. The situation wasn’t hopeless. She was normal. She just had to persevere in order to create a life that she could call her own. And if her parents didn’t like it; so what? They didn’t get to vote. If they wanted to get close to her, they have to pass the tests of her 9 Circles of Trust.
Some people get this in a blinding flash when they’re relatively young. For Irene, it took much longer. The transition wasn’t easy for her but it was do-able. She felt free and light, like a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders. She was always stubborn. Now she could use her stubbornness to persevere. The light at the end of her tunnel was the life she’d always wanted to live.
She won’t let her parents wound her any more. The big difference from decades ago was that now she was just as tall as they were. She was an adult. Keeping herself safe from them was more important than old rules that had led her to accept their abuse and control. When she made her parents’ opinion unimportant and she turned to face the light at the end of her tunnel, she could feel her wounds healing, as wounds naturally do when no one is picking at the scabs.
Where are you with your parents? Where are you with your own growing independence?
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, parenting |
April 28th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
[…] last post was about adults who carry to their graves the wounding and scars they got from their parents. These adults never grow up mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They never leave their […]
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
[…] know where we heard those voices that told us they knew better – our parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, ministers, schoolmates, peers. We know how we […]
March 18th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I love this article because it is totally true. Currently I am 25, in college, have a 9 month old and have traveled around the world twice. Whenever I talk to my parents they never support me with what I am doing, I do not even think that they will attend my graduation because they are so self-centered. It has been a hard road but something happened tonight and I think that is was the straw that broke the camels back. I just really do not care what they say anymore. I will support and care for them but their opinions can just take a hike, because I am really just tired of it.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Hi Recovering,
Keep recovering … which means create your own life, lit from the depth of your own burning spirit.
See, see, see - your own path is yours to make and take. Don’t count your parents’ opinions any more than you’d count anyone elses’ opinion. Their opinions tell you about them and their “stuff” (hopes, dreams, fears, hates, likes) when they think about facing life, not about you or your chances.
Find people who encourage you before they want to help-correct you. Of course, you’ll have to learn to make better and better decisions on your path.
Eventually, as you move further along your path, you’ll be able to see your parents simply as people. The sting of their opinions will be gone and all that will remain are two little, old people.
How’s that for an old-person rant?
Best wishes,
Ben
November 4th, 2009 at 7:41 am
[…] think that a key sign of becoming an independent adult is deciding what criteria you’ll use for who you allow on your island. If you believe that […]
January 8th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Hi Ben,
Just came across this web site today and wanted to say thanks, Stop Bullies, especially toxic parents was something I needed to read, that is why I did a toxic parent search.
When I was around 9 years old my mom remarried and my step-father would try to touch me in the wrong ways I was able to always get away, but did not like it so I told my Mom she started yelling that I was lying and my real father put me up to this to destroy her and her life, when we got home she sent me to my room and latter that night when she went to bed I heard her crying, so I decided to tell her the next morning that it never happened I made it up myself not my Dad, I remember thinking I could stay away from my step-father and I would be able to move out in a few years so why should I ruin her life, she is happy and in love who am I to disroy her life.
I maintained a relationship with my parents.
I was able to forgive him because I would see the look on his face in his eyes change just before he would try something so I knew to get moving and as I got older I thought he is just real sick but does not really want to do this otherwise how could I have got away from him?
I have been married for over 25 years and we have a daughter 21 and a son 16, I tried to help my Mom in many different ways over the years, but the longer I have been a mom myself the harder it was becoming for me to reconcile her behavior with that of motherhood.
The truth about my step-dad came out several times over the years and about 10 years ago a cousin sent a letter to him, my mom opened it and the truth was out for good I thought.
Over the last 10 years she keeps going back to it, finally, she said she thought my step-sister owed her an apology for not giving her the heads up on the letter before it came, I said Mom please I just can not keep going back to the past, I just can not do this anymore and she said why? At least he did not rape you.
I realize now I can not help her and she will go out of her way to say mean things to me in an effort to get a response, I have never told her about how I feel about anything cause I did not want to hurt her and now I realize maybe that goes back to the whole destroy my life thing when I was a kid.
My daughter knows about my childhood but my son does not, I think it would be best for me to cut all ties with my parents, as I never know what she will say next and I can’t seem to box up my feelings any longer,also although I knew that something had happened before to someone else I just found out what happened to my cousin before he married my Mom and lets just say when I saw them at x-mass I could not stand to look at him.
I just wonder if it is okay to tell my son about what has happened so he will have some understanding of why Mom is no longer talking with Grandma and grandpa any longer.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Best regards,
Colleen
January 11th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
Hi Colleen,
You’re on the right track; keep up the good progress.
I’ve seen and heard a lot of people like your mom and the 2nd husband (stop calling him a step-father). Her dream of a wonderful marriage and family may be great. But the real life she’s trying to squeeze into that dream is a horror show and does need to be destroyed or, at least, you need to get far away.
A wonderful movie, “Second Hand Lions,” is about a boy being taken care of by his wonderful and slightly wacky uncles, but the picture of his mother is like yours. She tries to squeeze terrible men into her weak dream. And she’ll excuse, justify, pardon and defend them forever - even when they’d hurt her son.
You can’t help your mom, like the boy can’t help his. He has to get away in order to have a shot at a great life. You may keep an option open of seeing your mom on her death bed, but even then most people still defend their lives and the reasons for their terrible choices. She tried her best … but it wasn’t good enough.
Check out the case studies of Carrie, Jake and Doug in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available on this web site. They had different situations with their moms but they used the approach you need to.
Your son will want an explanation. Give him the whole truth. Don’t argue if he tries to defend his grandma. Let him make up his own mind. Know that he’ll change as he grows older and wiser in relationships.
Get a coach to stay strong and clear.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 12th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Thanks Ben,
Today is actually my son’s 16th birthday, so I will wait a couple of weeks to tell him I don’t want him to associate this stuff with his birthday, I have talked with my husband and we have decided to sit with him and our daughter and tell him as a family, no more secrets.
I ordered your book and should receive it in a couple of days I think it will be good for me to learn how to stand up to this kind of behavior. I also have a book on toxic parents coming, so I should have some tools to help me with this.
I was thinking of e-mailing my Mom some of the things I feel as I have never said anything in the past thinking it would hurt her more but now I think it might be good to just let it out. It might be good for me.
Do you think that is a good idea in your experience with this type of situation?
Thanks for your help,
Colleen
January 13th, 2010 at 9:48 am
Hi Colleen,
Sounds wise to do it as a family after your son’s birthday.
Be prepared (prepare ahead with your husband):
1. Your children may tell you horror stories you didn’t know.
2. Or they might try to talk you into reconciliation, as if your love will cure your mother and stepfather.
I’m glad you said, “It might be good for me.” I think that’s the crucial reason. If your information has a good effect on your mother, wonderful. But there’s only a slim chance of that, so don’t make that your goal.
Every situation is different, so I always ask people to consider whether they want to have the conversation with the mother:
1. In person.
2. By phone.
3. Email.
4. Snail mail.
It’s a balancing act and there’s no “Right” answer. Each method requires different things from you and your mother. Of course, in person conveys more visual body language and voice tone. If you do it in person, meet her somewhere neutral like a restaurant.
Now for your moving on: “What could you do, that when you do it, will put that ancient history way behind you, behind bullet proof glass and make it very tiny. And also allow you to remember what you need to do to protect yourself and your family from your step-father and mother or if you ever see such a situation in the future?”
Best wishes,
Ben
January 13th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Hi Ben,
Thanks so much again,
I have a lot to think about with the moving on part, I have no idea at this point but with your book on stopping bullies in their tracks and the toxic parents coming in the next couple of days I hope to develop some tools. I have not spoken to them since Jan 1st and the more time that passes the stronger I feel it is hard to explain.
I do know that it would be better for me not to see her in person because things have escalated.
I had previously told her that I can no longer talk to her about the letter or anything of that nature, that I can not help her with her feelings, we have talked and talked about how she feels and it has not helped her feel better that I have shared all I have regarding forgiveness, love and happiness all the techniques I have and nothing has helped, things would seem okay with her but only for a short time then she would start all over again.
I told her it hurts me and that hurt is taking me away from the present with my family.
That first time I told her was in July and I have just tried to stay firm with that but when I went to their home in December to pick up some decorations she wanted to pass down she started in on me trying everything she could, I realized she just wants to be able to dump her toxic waste on me so I will say things to make her feel better that has been the cycle, but here is the new twist when nothing was working for her she lied to my face and tried to say the letter from Carmen was to her, I did not call her out on it I just said I still can not help.
I came home and was bewildered she lied, there would have been no way to know if the last 10 years were not already always that Carmen wrote the letter to him, and logically that would be the truth anyway, Carmen lived with him while he lived with his first wife, Carmen does not even know my Mom.
Two days latter I meet up with my step-sister we already had plans before this happened but I decided to talk with her about what happened at the house, that is when I found out what really happened to Carmen, and yes Carmen wrote him a letter as part of her healing process, Janet and I just cried together and hugged.
The next day I went to work out and had to leave the gym and come home I just started feeling this rage within me, a rage I have never felt before.
That rage turned into a clear understanding of what he really is and how my Mom is just using me, this is how I have ended up sitting here now.
I do not have the ability right now to forgive, I read about me on your web site I am one of those who believe in the golden rule, I always felt I choose my parents and the experiences I have had, But now I understand maybe I choose to learn how to stand up for myself and this requires a new way of looking at things, it requires judgment of others and I have never allowed myself to do that, it just requires skills I have not developed but that are as I understand now very important to a happy and healthy life.
The thing is if I had not been hanging out with my family that July night when this all started I would not be sitting here, it was because my family and I were laughing and goofing off and I was pulled away for her call that I realized how much this is taking away from me and the strength for now is more of a willing to fight for my family and our life than for myself.
Ben I just can’t thank you enough,
I have been reading your site and the narcistic bully all 7 points blew me away, she embraces all 7. I feel some weird comfort from seeing those qualities written on this site and know that there will be a way to move through this as others have dealt with this personality a well.
I have not yet come across the 3 case studies you pointed out but I will keep my eye out for them, I am also thinking I might just need to get the whole bullies system and study that.
It’s kind of funny I taught my children to always stand up for themselves and others, I even hired a civil rights attorney for my daughter in high school when they suspended her for standing up to a bully at school, but here I am just now learning to stand up for myself.
Thanks also for the heads up on the family meeting, my daughter already knew and she has never had a bad experience with him, I realize I have been is some denial but I did always stay in the same room as the children usually my husband as well. I remembered how fast he could move in for a strike even if other people were around so I never wanted to take a chance, but until I talk with my son I can’t say for sure about that.
Please share any ideas you have I am completely open to learning, I understand that I have made some poor choices and welcome your advise as everything on your site sounds like wise, true and refreshingly clear truth.
Best regards,
Colleen
January 16th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Hi Colleen,
I know it’s hard, but you’re doing all the right things.
Thanks for ordering the books - the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” will help.
Your story illustrates why we need coaching to design a specific plan tailored to your needs - the details of your specific situation, the people involved and, mostly, yourself.
Your mother is typical: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Beware of a repeat of the Christmas decoration situation. She’ll use a nice reason to try to suck you in to coming over and then whack you from behind.
Put off thinking about forgiveness and the Golden Rule until we talk and you have a better understanding of what effective forgiveness means and also how and when to apply the Golden Rule to who.
Best wishes,
Ben