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How do you know if someone is your friend?
By Ben | February 29, 2008
Dana is a seven-year old with a good heart. In order to help a new girl, Amanda, break into her school, Dana befriends her. She talks to the girl, hangs out with her on the playground and even has her mother arrange play-dates. Dana is cheerful and popular, and her efforts are successful. Other children also become friends with Amanda.
But, even in the beginning of their friendship Amanda often manipulates, controls and bullies Dana. Dana wonders, “Is Amanda really my friend and what should I do?” Here’s what Amanda does.
Actually, Amanda is a manipulative, controlling stealth bully. Stealth bullies are:
- Selfish – When Dana won’t do what Amanda wants, Amanda gets angry. She yells that Dana is bad. Amanda insists that her opinions matter more than Dana’s.
- Critical – She criticizes Dana’s clothes and what Dana likes to do. She’s gleeful when she points out Dana’s mistakes. She’s always putting Dana down, topping her, countering her and staying one-up. She’s always right and righteous about it.
- Hyper-sensitive – When Dana plays with other girls, Amanda says that her feelings are hurt. According to Amanda, Dana is her best friend and she’s supposed to play only with Amanda. Amanda says that the only way Dana can make her feel good is for Dana to do what she wants.
- Deceitful – Amanda doesn’t apply that rule to herself. She feels perfectly free to play with whoever she wants to. She even snubs Dana when she wants to become “best friends” for a while with the other person.
- Righteous finger-pointers – Amanda is always right and when her feelings are hurt, it’s 100 percent Dana’s fault. She always blames Dana.
Dana is mystified. Amanda says that she’s Dana’s best friend but Dana often feels verbally abused and emotionally intimidated. Amanda stimulates Dana’s self-doubt and insecurity. Dana doesn’t know what she’s done wrong when Amanda is hurt and angry.
Since Dana doesn’t identify Amanda as a stealth bully, she doesn’t resist Amanda’s attempts to manipulate and control her.
My coaching with Dana’s parents awakens them to the problem. Their daughter is being manipulated and controlled. I teach them how to help Dana recognize the patterns of Amanda’s manipulating.
So, how can Dana decide if Amanda is really her friend? Dana and her parents make a list based on her interactions with Amanda – what would a true friend do in each of those situations? Using this simple method, Dana can see that Amanda hasn’t done any of those things. Dana recognizes that Amanda is a stealth bully.
Actions speak louder than words. Actions show you who’s a true friend. Reasons, justifications and excuses don’t. Just like the expression, “Follow the money,” I use the expression, “Follow the actions.”
Dana’s parents help her accept that she’s done nothing wrong. Amanda is the one with the problem. Amanda doesn’t know how to be a good friend.
But the important question for Dana is not, “Is Amanda my friend?” The important question is, “Do I want to be with a person who acts like that, whether or not she calls herself my friend?” Whatever Amanda’s upbringing and family problems are, she will have to act better if she wants to be with Dana.
Dana is now well on her way to breaking the pattern and creating a bully-free personal space. She’s learned a valuable lesson she’ll need in junior high school.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Bullies at School, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book, parenting |
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October 31st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
WOW!!! I was amazed to find this article right when I needed it most. I now know what category my daughter’s best friend falls under. My daughter has went through MOST of the examples that were used in this article with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved…it was hard to really label what was going on. But terming her a “Stealth Bully” is perfect!! I actually can’t believe how on target the examples that were used are so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with her friend.
Just recently, she finally told her friend she is going to take a break from their relationship because she won’t stop the negative behaviour and her friend had a fit (uncontrollable crying also with other students for sympathy) at the school and told everyone my daughter was bullying her a didn’t know why she won’t be her friend anymore. Her friend has also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling her she has no idea why she is being ignored. The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class. My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully. I find tears are a very strong weapon used by children that fall under this category.
I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights with her teacher but in a respectful way. I am going to show her this article so that she can understand more what is going on here and hopefully this will make her feel better although right now she feels everyone is on her friends side. Thanks for the article! Lesley
November 6th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Hi Lesley,
I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.
Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, bullying tactic.
When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and need to be stopped. Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter). Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side. Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way and can be recognized by their repeating pattern. And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of treating friends harshly. Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions.
A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.” Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.
You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself. But I suspect that she’s younger than high school age. Since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case. Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.
Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.” My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out by Thanksgiving.
Of course, the professional victim is not really your daughter’s friend. Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks. They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.
Your daughter is now testing everyone at school. She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend. Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character as opposed to the professional victim’s. Your daughter may find out that no one sees clearly. Well, she now knows about them. Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school. She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people. No great loss.
I know that may be difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group. But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 25th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
[…] post is based on the following comment: WOW!!! I was amazed to find your post, “How do you know if someone is your friend?” right when I needed it most. I now know what category my daughter’s best friend […]
May 1st, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Oh man, that means every one of my “friends” are bullies. this is probably the worst day of my life, realising how lonely i am in the real world. i act as a slave to everybody. thanks for this article though. this helped me make my choice to getting new friends
May 4th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Hi Edwin,
As hard as it feels, I’m glad you’ve finally realized what you’ve been trying to tell yourself all along. Feeling “lonely” is your message to yourself that those people are not your true tribe (no matter what brought you together).
Make this the best day of the rest of your life by dedicating yourself to finding the new friends who will treat you right; who will belong in the tribe of your heart and spirit.
Sounds like you’ve already decided that.
Good for you. Be resolute. Have courage determination and perseverance – no matter how difficult it seems. Your true life awaits!
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
kool article
awesome totally dude