« Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands | Home | Teenage student harassed, bullied and beaten, but none of the adults at school protected him. »
Teach children and teens to be resilient; don’t be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.
By Ben | February 17, 2008
Are your children and teens resilient? Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma? Are you resilient? Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife? Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies? How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors? How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers? Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace? You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations.
According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma. As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.
But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.
Why do I think it’s a dead end? Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t. That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can. For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor .
.
Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either. You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair. You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment. That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .
Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history. For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.” Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.
In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives. You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics. No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can. We can take charge of our efforts even though we can’t control the results.
Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance. Think of what their ancestors must have lived through. No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known. Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born. If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here. They have a legacy of survivors.
Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance. There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives. Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are. They have the legacy of survivors. Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong. Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.
I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here. They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes. How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can? How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?
Topics: Bullies at Home, Bullies at School, Coaching, Hostile Workplace, parenting, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book | 19 Comments »
February 18th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
By taking the steps outlined in Dr. Ben’s Bullies book, you too can begin today to change your relationship to those around you! While this is not “rocket science” it is important to have a well documented plan with options in case things don’t go as desired. Dr. Ben goes to great length to lead the reader step by step toward reaching their own goals without a lot of “jargon”. An easy to understand process that has plenty of supporting Case Studies that bring these Bullies bad habits to light. I found it very interesting and have already begun putting my new found knowledge to work!
February 28th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Hi Don,
Thanks for your praise.
I find that the options are necessary. Most people try the nice, kind approaches. If they work, you’re not dealing with a determined bully. That’s easy.
It’s only when those approaches fail that you realize you’re dealing with a real bully. Then you need a reliable process that creates options.
Good luck in your efforts,
Best wishes,
Ben
December 17th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
[...] focused on strengthening six our children and helping them be determined and resilient in order to face the real-world jerks and bullies they would inevitably see at school and when they [...]
January 20th, 2010 at 7:55 am
[...] Principal, teachers and staff are courageous and skilled in enforcing that program. [...]
September 28th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
My son, 11, is one in ten kids born with severe anxiety. He is slightly OCD. He has a lousy self image, large feet, is overweight and hates himself. This child has no resiliency. I am trying so hard to understand him. It’s difficult every day because things hit him so hard. Trying the book Helping Your Anxious Child. He is just wired this way. So different. So hard. I wish I could just wave a wand and fix him. Give him a gift of self belief.
October 1st, 2010 at 9:20 am
Reply #5
I’d suggest that you consider kids Karate classes for your son; I’ve seen many “kids” respond well to martial arts and the self respect training that good instructors teach. Usually their school grade improve and they help out more around the house!
BTW: I am not saying this because it will have anything to do with “fighting” but helping your son to develop self respect!
October 2nd, 2010 at 11:05 am
He is a brown black belt. Done karate since he was five and quit last year. Bullies THERE. That karate was a joke.
October 3rd, 2010 at 10:59 am
Reply #7
Hopefully you can find another Martial Arts school in your area; if your son is not happy there, then other students are probably in the same situation; helping your son will not only also help the other kids in your area but will serve as a valuable lesson on how to work through immediate problems for solutions! If there are not any other martial arts schools, then Yoga and or other self study training video’s might help!
October 3rd, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Hi Jenn,
This is tough and long-term, as you know by living in it.
He’ll face bullies outside of his head, like he did at karate.
The worst bullies are in his head. I call that “self-bullying.”
Those voices that say you can’t win, you’ll fail, you’re not good enough, you’re weak, you’re bad, you’re wrong. Then there are the IMAX-sized movies that show scenes of disaster. Those voices and movies put him down and predict disaster.
There’s no easy solution. You didn’t do anything wrong. And your son is just the way some people are built. You have to be a model of people who don’t have or don’t listen to our own self-bullying voices.
Your task is to hang in and keep telling him the right things and keep praying that someday his inner wiring will change and he’ll change.
That simply means that you have to nurture and encourage him more and longer. Sometimes we can help by reminding our children of other difficult challenges they’ve overcome. Sometimes we can work with schools to decrease the pressure on our teens. Sometimes we can only encourage them. Ultimately, we know that the only way they’ll learn to be independent and competent adults is by facing challenges and overcoming them.
You’re training him not to be overwhelmed and give up, but instead to develop resilience, courage and “go for it.” Always encourage him to build on his strengths and skills, and keep stepping outside his comfort zone.
Peer pressure is difficult for him to face because it’s not controllable. Teens need us to hold out for them a wonderful future, even if they’re not stars in high school – if, by typical criteria, they’re too short or tall, not pretty or handsome, too thin or fat, not brilliant or athletic, or generally not cool. The world is full of homely and awkward teens, late bloomers who are now successful adults by any measure; whether money, fame, happiness, love, beloved, family or good character.
See the techniques, methods and case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”
Best wishes for the long-haul,
Ben
October 3rd, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Hi Don
Thanks for adding this. You’re absolutely right. Any of the martial arts can help.
And I always check them out. Some encourage bullying and are loaded with bullies (like in the “Karate Kid”) and need to be eliminated from consideration. But in most places you can find one that will help your son or daughter gain confidence and resilience.
In addition, I always watch out for “self bullying.” That’s the worst kind of bullying.
See the techniques, methods and case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”
Best wishes,
Ben
October 3rd, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Thanks all
The biggest bully in his life: his dad. His dad was bullied as a kid and hates bullies. The irony. His dad’s called him “stupid” and “awkward” to his face.
And that resulted in phrases coming from my son like: “I wish I were dead, no one loves me. I suck at everything. I am a bad kid.”
So I moved my kids 2500 miles from him: now they see him less, which I feel lousy about, but after getting him back last month from 7 weeks with his dad, I knew: he needs other male role models.
Thankfully he has two: a 14 year old stepbrother to be, and a stepdad to be who is nothing like his dad (no yelling, for one).
We have a lot of work to do with him, (I am looking for a DBT/cognitive therapist) but I am hopeful that the change of scenery, will give him the chance. He’s never had friends either.
I want him to find the one thing that lights him up.
October 6th, 2010 at 10:33 am
Hi Don,
Thanks for hanging in with this.
I think you’re right.
We can’t judge the utility of martial arts by one school that’s full of bullies. Which is the fault of the teacher – just like the problems that can be caused by a principal that protects bullies. As in:
“Stop School-Bullying Suicides Caused by Do-Nothing Principals”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/10/06/stop-school-bullying-suicides-caused-by-do-nothing-principals/
Best wishes,
Ben
October 6th, 2010 at 10:34 am
Hi Jenn,
Ah, the plot thickens.
Glad you got far away. If you can cut off visits; do it!
Now you’re in the long-term effort to change your son’s old ideas that were beat in by his biological father.
The message I’d always give, over and over, to your son is, “You’re now in a situation where your future is calling to you to take charge of your life by getting old ideas out of your head – like that you suck at everything and you’re a bad kid. This is a time of choice for you; make the most of it. Get fighting mad at your jerk father and use that energy to do better in life.”
Then your job is to get him interested in the lives of great people who had even worse problems-situations and succeeded, despite or because of those situations. It’s not the situation that determines the future; it’s your son’s response. I’ve been reading about Winston Churchill whose father and mother were worse and who failed at school after school. And Akbar, one of the greatest emperors of India who was ADHD and dyslexic (never did learn to read). There are hundreds more.
You’re on the right track. Start with anything he can succeed at and build out from there. Maybe, back to action-oriented activities for him. They may feedback to increasing his will, drive, determination, courage and perseverance.
I talk about this in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids”. They’re companion books; get both.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 10th, 2011 at 11:18 am
[...] suddenly appears and speaks the words that that exemplify a central belief of the Greeks about how to face whatever the world throws at you – whether overwhelming odds, verbal and physical abuse, unfairness, your fear and hesitation, [...]
April 11th, 2011 at 7:59 am
[...] Enhance your children’s inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance, resilience. [...]
May 2nd, 2011 at 4:00 pm
[...] sexting? The girl who sends her picture may be the subject of vicious attacks all her life. Her inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience will be tested. She may feel helpless and that her situation is hopeless. She may go down the [...]
May 11th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
[...] out of molehills, the diminishing of each skill or success, the magnifying of each imperfection. They’re not resilient; the smallest adversity defeats them. Happiness is fleeting; bitterness and depression is their [...]
July 17th, 2011 at 9:21 pm
[...] They have no inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience. [...]
August 7th, 2011 at 4:01 pm
[...] a do-nothing principal or in which principals blame the victim and avoid the bully, kids’ inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance, resilience are threatened. You have to be the one to demand that principals keep your children safe while [...]