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Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands
By Ben | February 8, 2008
What are the warning signs of controlling husbands? Here’s my list of the top dozen. Do you have any to add?
1. Overt physical violence - they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called.
2. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage - you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.
3. They make the rules; they control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
5. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
6. You’re told that you’re to blame if they hurt you.
7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
8. Their standards rule - your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive.
9. They isolate you - they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.
10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.
11. Your concerns generally don’t get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
In addition to controlling you by making you afraid, they are the sneaky, manipulative schoolyard bullies who have developed adult ways to dominate, abuse and bully.
Many people allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label their tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
The same list applies to abusive, controlling, bullying wives, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, teens and friends.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book |
April 25th, 2008 at 11:52 am
[…] unrelenting viciousness isn’t confined to parents; it’s also dished out at work. It’s as if some people really believe the motto attributed to […]
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Just when I thought I knew all of the faces of control. Evan Stark PhD published Coercive Control! I highly recomend it to all women.
Patty
July 4th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Hi Patty,
Thanks for the tip on “Coercive Control.” I hope you also got a lot from my short list.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 5th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I am searching for all the information I can find on controlling Husband’s. I have read the statements above and some of thing, well alot of them apply to him. He is not physically abusive.
It’s a mental game with him. I am Isolated and
alone and getting desparate to live. I feel I have lost myself. I can’t even tell you what I like anymore. The things I loved have been pushed to the outer relms of the universe. We not
one thing in common. How did I get here?
November 6th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hi Vic,
I’m sorry things have become so bad.
The more important question is: “Are you willing to get the grit – the will, determination, dedication, perseverance, resilience and flexibility – to get away?”
When you have the will, you can stand up for yourself and find the friends and helpers you need to create the life you want. Once you start moving down that path, you’ll remember what you like and don’t like, you’ll recognize who you want on your island and who you don’t.
You don’t need his approval and permission. You need your own.
Of course it’s not easy. I remember the quote from the movie, “A League of Their Own:”
“Of course it’s hard.
If it was easy, anybody could do it.
It’s the hard that makes it great.”
Jimmy Duggan in “A League of Their Own”
Whenever you’re ready to begin, you can be successful. But you have to get rid of many old rules and get out of your old comfort zone.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 18th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I have an abusive husband plus he is bi-polar doesn’t take his meds. He broke my nose 2yrs ago, does drugs and has walked out of our marriage 8xs leaving financial debt. Get away and find a group like domestic violence to help you find a support person to get you through the tough times.
February 19th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Hi Mary,
I’m so glad you finally got away.
A broken nose and walking out eight times is a lot to put up with. It’ll probably be a long time before you can pull yourself out of the hole, but keep at it. Perseverance pays off in the end.
At least, when there’s space in your life (he’s gone), you have a chance of filling it with something better. If he had stayed, you wouldn’t have the space.
Please see the case study of Alicia on page 221 of “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” (http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal).
Best wishes,
Ben
March 29th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
My husband said the other night, You didn’t wear that to Walmart, suggesting I wore it to meet a Male I suppose. He thinks I’m seeing somebody, when I go out to shop or have some Me time. He checks My e-mails & says I can’t be Friends with single Males. he made Me change My password because He says He can’t help but snoop on Me. I have had enough of the games with Him, I’m supposed to talk toa Counsellor again but I’m done. He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as Me, but I’m the guilty party here funny how that works. People think He is so nice, He said to Me the other day You had freedom for 17 Years. I’m ready to make Him move out & pay.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for sharing your situation.
Taking it at face value [I haven’t his side or seen what you’re wearing :)], it sounds like you’re both unhappy, the physical side has broken down, he doesn’t trust you, he wants to be in control, his opinion is what counts and he’s not going to change - he’s not the one talking to a counselor.
You’re pretty clear - you’re not happy with the relationship either, you want to get out of the house and you’re done with him. The questions are:
1. How to do it well. Are there kids or other things that must be considered?
2. How not to make the same mistake next time?
You probably need coaching tailored to your specific situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 7th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
My husband controls everything: the money, things I do, get, things we do around the house, I feel like I can’t have my own mind, I have NO say about anything. He threatens to leave me and calls me names, says he’s a Christian, and is a “Christian leader” but I’ve never heard of a “Christian leader” acting like he does. If we are together and I am talking to someone, he acts like I am stupid, everyone sees how he is, but him. I have heard by a lot of people that he is controlling and have told him that, but he won’t stop. I don’t know what to do.
Dane’e Heidelberger
April 8th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Hi Dane’e,
I’m sorry you’re in such a bind.
Taking what you say on face value, I think that the underlying problem is not that he’s controlling you (which is bad enough), it’s that you’re trying to get his permission and agreement that he should stop. That’s what keeps you struck and frustrated.
Forget about winning an argument with him and convincing him that he should behave differently. If he won’t listen to people who tell him that he’s wrong and he won’t go to a coach that tells him he’s wrong, he won’t listen to you. He probably has a group that tells him he’s right. He’s probably not only righteous, but also scared that if he changes, he’ll lose control of his life.
You need to create skillful tactics and to start applying consequences whether he likes it or not. For some examples, see in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” the case studies #7-Jean and #14-Lucy for some examples.
Get yourself coaching to develop grit and perseverance, and to plan appropriate tactics.
Of course, everyone’s situation is different. I don’t know how dependent you are emotionally; for example, do you think men should control, but just be nicer controllers? Or how dependent physically - money, kids, illness. Your situation doesn’t change your grit and perseverance, but it does affect your tactics.
You may be afraid that the end result will be your leaving him and being alone, friendless and broke. That’s a bad scenario, but usually NOT an accurate prediction.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
During my marriage I didn’t fold my husband clothes correctly, I didn’t pick up the house right, I wasn’t raising my son right, my family was not allowed to talk to me when they called, I was not allowed to wear anything to bed, and sex three time a day was not enough, he needed it 5 times a day. I finally filed divorce after he drugged my one night and while I was “out of it” he did many things, including taking pictures. I have been divorced for a year and a half now. My controlling husband is not as controlling, but is still in my life. He has followed me, sat outside my work, tried to turn friends against me with lies about me, tampered with my utility accounts, stolen personal property, tried to make me his “friend” on network sites, and many other controlling things. Women need to understand that divorce does not actually mean the situation will go away. The situation will go on for a very long time. I am still waiting for it to stop, but for now I go to bed alone with pajamins on and love it! At least I get to sleep in peace.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Hi Deb,
I’m so glad that you got away. Good for you!
A few suggestions:
1. When you talk about your ex, call him your ex, and add “according to him” after every phrase - such as “I didn’t fold my husband clothes correctly according to him, I didn’t pick up the house right according to him, I wasn’t raising my son right according to him. It’ll help you get even more mental and emotional distance.
2. He sounds like a perv and a stalker, which means he won’t go away unless you make him.
A. Find local support from people like yourself who have been pursued by their ex’s.
B. Get a lawyer.
C. Document everything.
D. Get a restraining order.
E. Find a local cop who’s on your side and will help you get rid of him.
Most bullies and control-freaks will take your being nice or passive as an invitation to go after you more. They’re like sharks when they smell blood.
Or read the case study #17 (Alicia) in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Alicia was so afraid of her ex that she didn’t want to confront him but found indirect ways to get rid of him. Your call. But get rid of him.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 21st, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Hi,
I have a few things to get off my chest and maybe somewhere out there can understand what I’m going through.
I have a boyfriend who was very charming and confident when we met, we became really good friends in the work place and I just knew we were two peas in a pod…Not even close!
He changed so much when we actually moved in together. I have tattoos on my arms (something I did when I was younger and wish I hadn’t) and he knew it when we were friends. After we became a couple he expressed to me that I needed to wear long sleeves when I’m with him because a person like him doesn’t get seen with a person like me…what a jerk huh?
That right there should have made me say goodbye, but it didn’t. Then came the gym. I was a member of 3 coed gyms when we were friends. I moved out of town with him so I needed to find a new gym. He insisted I go to an all women’s gym. I ended up doing it because I didn’t want the headache, but I keep feeling like I am the one that is making all the changes.
To make a long story short: When he met me I was a successful business woman with my own goals, my own place, my own money, my own car, lots of friends, an active social life… (you get the idea).
And now I am 20lbs overweight (because the only idea of fun to him is eating). I quit my job to help him out with his business, I sold my car so we could get one with better MPG (in his name).
I never go out with my friends, or even talk to them anymore, I am flat broke, because he keeps all the money and I have a credit card I can use for household purchases, which he monitors…so technically I can’t spend any money on myself. I sit in the home office for 6-10 hrs a day working for him and even though I do not have to pay any bills, I have to cook, clean, take care of the dogs, do all the household shopping including his errands and work basically for free.
It wouldn’t be so bad if he was a nice guy, but he has become completely consumed by his work, he’s never home and when he is…I wish he wasn’t. He cusses at me all the time and he’s always in a bad mood. Every little thing I do sets him off and he always says the same thing that he’s stressed. Forget about communication! That just blows up in my face. And he never says he’s sorry about anything, he just acts like it never happened.
I’m getting to the point where I have tried to change things but they are not getting better…
What do I do??
April 21st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Do you think counseling will help?
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:28 am
Hi Chelle,
Wow. This has gone on way, way, way too long! You’ve become a slave!
Get away ASAP. Find support where you are. Don’t listen to him. Get a money-making job again and don’t give him a penny. Go to coed gyms, lose weight. Make friends, find allies and supporters.
I know it’ll take a lot to dig yourself out of the pit you’re in, but it’s worth the rest of your life to do it.
See the case studies of Brandi (#1) and Lucy (#14) in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Forget trying to change him. Don’t waste the rest of your life.
Get a great coach-counselor for yourself on only two subjects:
1. To develop effective tactics to get the controlling, bully out of your life.
2. To change your internal thinking-feeling patterns so you don’t repeat the same scenario with the next guy. Brandi learned and you can too.
Be brave, determined and relentless.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 27th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
[…] In one case, when Kate met Carl at work, she was successful with her own goals, place, money, car and an active social life. At first, Carl was very charming and confident, and they became good friends. Kate says they were two peas in a pod. How wrong she was! […]
June 8th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Hi I hope my story might help someone. I have known my husband since i was 18yrs old. We worked together and his sister and I were friends. I was married at 16 to my first boyfield, so my now husband was just a friend, although I always knew he had a soft spot for me. years later when I was divorced I went out with my now husband, but I didn’t have the feelings for him at that time that I do now, so I ended the relationship. Eventually we ended up back together and he won me over,he was a quiet man, very deep, didn’t say much, but was always very kind and nothing was too much trouble. My sons who obviously had known him since they were little boys, but are now grown up and married, adored him. We ended up getting married and I thought I had met the man of my dreams, but it didnt last. As soon as we got engaged it all started to change. He had never been married before and never wanted to, that I know for a fact. He has hit me, nearly broken my fingers, but the violence has stopped since I called the police. He is very moody and often put himself in the box room for weeks on end and not speaking. I own my own home and have always worked full time, I am very bubbly person and have lots of friends, were he has always been a loner. He told me that I neednt work full time anymore so I took a 2 day job, thats when it really got bad. He often leaves in the clothes he stood in and takes all of the bill and shopping money, he would stay away for 3 weeks at a time, it wasnt about him being with women or anything, that I know,but he goes on drinking binges which he never used to do. He spends all of the money and texts me all of the time, calling me names, putting me down and being very abusive. I have started divorce proceedings as he is putting the home I have lived in for 25 years at risk, with him taking all of the money. Because he house is mine and in my name, he said that my sons should pay the mortgage when he is not there as it is their inheritance, as he calls it. Obviously I love him but cannot take anymore. To anyone out there these people will not change and are unable to change, they will grind you down, just as I have been and you will end up feeling worthless. I am a good person and I have a medical working background, so I have a pretty good idea what I am talking about, I also have friends in the medical field who have advised me that these controlling people will never change. I am at the moment trying to keep hold of my home which he keeps sending me txts saying he is going to see me in the gutter. Please don’t let these controlling people to this to us. I hope my story helps in someway.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry this happened and has gone on so long.
I’m thrilled you’re getting a divorce and getting away.
Since he’s harassing you with text messages and has a history of physical violence, get a restraining order. Keep a record of all the messages (including the threatening ones). Call the police if he continues. I hope you called them when he beat you.
Be brave, determined and relentless.
I hope your story helps others see the warning signs.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
[…] Notice some typical early warning signs: […]
June 10th, 2009 at 6:55 am
please give me insite on this im a dirvoice mother of twins lefted their father because he was controlling. and now i taught i found the perfect man at church . he asked me to married him on the second date. and my mistake was saying yes. but we have not married yet and i thank god for that . could you please let me know if i man wont let you change stations at his apt on his tv are ask you where you would like to eat. and tell me how he spent two hundred on grocerys for all four of us. i just dont see no way of spending my life with him. so this friday im ending this. but let me know any options anyone might have
June 10th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Hi Germaine,
Sounds like you left one controlling man for another. Now leave him ASAP.
And before you hook up with a third, you should look at what you’re seeing that makes you think you’ve found “the perfect man.” Whatever you’ve been looking at, it’s not good enough. Develop better vision and standards. Whatever you’re feeling, don’t be blinded by poor vision.
The two books, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Bullies Below the Radar” can help you see the early warning signs of controlling, abusive bullies.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 11th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Thank you ben for those wonderful words and i will lool into those books
June 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Hi Germaine,
Thank you.
Hang in. You sound like a person who can do what she needs to in order to get away and then not repeat the same mistake.
Best wishes,
Ben