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Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands
By Ben | February 8, 2008
What are the warning signs of controlling husbands? Here’s my list of the top dozen. Do you have any to add?
1. Overt physical violence - they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called.
2. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage - you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.
3. They make the rules; they control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
5. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
6. You’re told that you’re to blame if they hurt you.
7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
8. Their standards rule - your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive.
9. They isolate you - they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.
10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.
11. Your concerns generally don’t get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
In addition to controlling you by making you afraid, they are the sneaky, manipulative schoolyard bullies who have developed adult ways to dominate, abuse and bully.
Many people allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.” When you recognize and label their tactics and tricks, you’ll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.
The same list applies to abusive, controlling, bullying wives, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, teens and friends.
Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, Relationships, Stop Bullies Book |
April 25th, 2008 at 11:52 am
[…] unrelenting viciousness isn’t confined to parents; it’s also dished out at work. It’s as if some people really believe the motto attributed to […]
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Just when I thought I knew all of the faces of control. Evan Stark PhD published Coercive Control! I highly recomend it to all women.
Patty
July 4th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Hi Patty,
Thanks for the tip on “Coercive Control.” I hope you also got a lot from my short list.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 5th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I am searching for all the information I can find on controlling Husband’s. I have read the statements above and some of thing, well alot of them apply to him. He is not physically abusive.
It’s a mental game with him. I am Isolated and
alone and getting desparate to live. I feel I have lost myself. I can’t even tell you what I like anymore. The things I loved have been pushed to the outer relms of the universe. We not
one thing in common. How did I get here?
November 6th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hi Vic,
I’m sorry things have become so bad.
The more important question is: “Are you willing to get the grit – the will, determination, dedication, perseverance, resilience and flexibility – to get away?”
When you have the will, you can stand up for yourself and find the friends and helpers you need to create the life you want. Once you start moving down that path, you’ll remember what you like and don’t like, you’ll recognize who you want on your island and who you don’t.
You don’t need his approval and permission. You need your own.
Of course it’s not easy. I remember the quote from the movie, “A League of Their Own:”
“Of course it’s hard.
If it was easy, anybody could do it.
It’s the hard that makes it great.”
Jimmy Duggan in “A League of Their Own”
Whenever you’re ready to begin, you can be successful. But you have to get rid of many old rules and get out of your old comfort zone.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 18th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I have an abusive husband plus he is bi-polar doesn’t take his meds. He broke my nose 2yrs ago, does drugs and has walked out of our marriage 8xs leaving financial debt. Get away and find a group like domestic violence to help you find a support person to get you through the tough times.
February 19th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Hi Mary,
I’m so glad you finally got away.
A broken nose and walking out eight times is a lot to put up with. It’ll probably be a long time before you can pull yourself out of the hole, but keep at it. Perseverance pays off in the end.
At least, when there’s space in your life (he’s gone), you have a chance of filling it with something better. If he had stayed, you wouldn’t have the space.
Please see the case study of Alicia on page 221 of “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” (http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal).
Best wishes,
Ben
March 29th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
My husband said the other night, You didn’t wear that to Walmart, suggesting I wore it to meet a Male I suppose. He thinks I’m seeing somebody, when I go out to shop or have some Me time. He checks My e-mails & says I can’t be Friends with single Males. he made Me change My password because He says He can’t help but snoop on Me. I have had enough of the games with Him, I’m supposed to talk toa Counsellor again but I’m done. He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as Me, but I’m the guilty party here funny how that works. People think He is so nice, He said to Me the other day You had freedom for 17 Years. I’m ready to make Him move out & pay.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for sharing your situation.
Taking it at face value [I haven’t his side or seen what you’re wearing :)], it sounds like you’re both unhappy, the physical side has broken down, he doesn’t trust you, he wants to be in control, his opinion is what counts and he’s not going to change - he’s not the one talking to a counselor.
You’re pretty clear - you’re not happy with the relationship either, you want to get out of the house and you’re done with him. The questions are:
1. How to do it well. Are there kids or other things that must be considered?
2. How not to make the same mistake next time?
You probably need coaching tailored to your specific situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 7th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
My husband controls everything: the money, things I do, get, things we do around the house, I feel like I can’t have my own mind, I have NO say about anything. He threatens to leave me and calls me names, says he’s a Christian, and is a “Christian leader” but I’ve never heard of a “Christian leader” acting like he does. If we are together and I am talking to someone, he acts like I am stupid, everyone sees how he is, but him. I have heard by a lot of people that he is controlling and have told him that, but he won’t stop. I don’t know what to do.
Dane’e Heidelberger
April 8th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Hi Dane’e,
I’m sorry you’re in such a bind.
Taking what you say on face value, I think that the underlying problem is not that he’s controlling you (which is bad enough), it’s that you’re trying to get his permission and agreement that he should stop. That’s what keeps you struck and frustrated.
Forget about winning an argument with him and convincing him that he should behave differently. If he won’t listen to people who tell him that he’s wrong and he won’t go to a coach that tells him he’s wrong, he won’t listen to you. He probably has a group that tells him he’s right. He’s probably not only righteous, but also scared that if he changes, he’ll lose control of his life.
You need to create skillful tactics and to start applying consequences whether he likes it or not. For some examples, see in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” the case studies #7-Jean and #14-Lucy for some examples.
Get yourself coaching to develop grit and perseverance, and to plan appropriate tactics.
Of course, everyone’s situation is different. I don’t know how dependent you are emotionally; for example, do you think men should control, but just be nicer controllers? Or how dependent physically - money, kids, illness. Your situation doesn’t change your grit and perseverance, but it does affect your tactics.
You may be afraid that the end result will be your leaving him and being alone, friendless and broke. That’s a bad scenario, but usually NOT an accurate prediction.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 19th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
During my marriage I didn’t fold my husband clothes correctly, I didn’t pick up the house right, I wasn’t raising my son right, my family was not allowed to talk to me when they called, I was not allowed to wear anything to bed, and sex three time a day was not enough, he needed it 5 times a day. I finally filed divorce after he drugged my one night and while I was “out of it” he did many things, including taking pictures. I have been divorced for a year and a half now. My controlling husband is not as controlling, but is still in my life. He has followed me, sat outside my work, tried to turn friends against me with lies about me, tampered with my utility accounts, stolen personal property, tried to make me his “friend” on network sites, and many other controlling things. Women need to understand that divorce does not actually mean the situation will go away. The situation will go on for a very long time. I am still waiting for it to stop, but for now I go to bed alone with pajamins on and love it! At least I get to sleep in peace.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Hi Deb,
I’m so glad that you got away. Good for you!
A few suggestions:
1. When you talk about your ex, call him your ex, and add “according to him” after every phrase - such as “I didn’t fold my husband clothes correctly according to him, I didn’t pick up the house right according to him, I wasn’t raising my son right according to him. It’ll help you get even more mental and emotional distance.
2. He sounds like a perv and a stalker, which means he won’t go away unless you make him.
A. Find local support from people like yourself who have been pursued by their ex’s.
B. Get a lawyer.
C. Document everything.
D. Get a restraining order.
E. Find a local cop who’s on your side and will help you get rid of him.
Most bullies and control-freaks will take your being nice or passive as an invitation to go after you more. They’re like sharks when they smell blood.
Or read the case study #17 (Alicia) in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Alicia was so afraid of her ex that she didn’t want to confront him but found indirect ways to get rid of him. Your call. But get rid of him.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 21st, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Hi,
I have a few things to get off my chest and maybe somewhere out there can understand what I’m going through.
I have a boyfriend who was very charming and confident when we met, we became really good friends in the work place and I just knew we were two peas in a pod…Not even close!
He changed so much when we actually moved in together. I have tattoos on my arms (something I did when I was younger and wish I hadn’t) and he knew it when we were friends. After we became a couple he expressed to me that I needed to wear long sleeves when I’m with him because a person like him doesn’t get seen with a person like me…what a jerk huh?
That right there should have made me say goodbye, but it didn’t. Then came the gym. I was a member of 3 coed gyms when we were friends. I moved out of town with him so I needed to find a new gym. He insisted I go to an all women’s gym. I ended up doing it because I didn’t want the headache, but I keep feeling like I am the one that is making all the changes.
To make a long story short: When he met me I was a successful business woman with my own goals, my own place, my own money, my own car, lots of friends, an active social life… (you get the idea).
And now I am 20lbs overweight (because the only idea of fun to him is eating). I quit my job to help him out with his business, I sold my car so we could get one with better MPG (in his name).
I never go out with my friends, or even talk to them anymore, I am flat broke, because he keeps all the money and I have a credit card I can use for household purchases, which he monitors…so technically I can’t spend any money on myself. I sit in the home office for 6-10 hrs a day working for him and even though I do not have to pay any bills, I have to cook, clean, take care of the dogs, do all the household shopping including his errands and work basically for free.
It wouldn’t be so bad if he was a nice guy, but he has become completely consumed by his work, he’s never home and when he is…I wish he wasn’t. He cusses at me all the time and he’s always in a bad mood. Every little thing I do sets him off and he always says the same thing that he’s stressed. Forget about communication! That just blows up in my face. And he never says he’s sorry about anything, he just acts like it never happened.
I’m getting to the point where I have tried to change things but they are not getting better…
What do I do??
April 21st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Do you think counseling will help?
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:28 am
Hi Chelle,
Wow. This has gone on way, way, way too long! You’ve become a slave!
Get away ASAP. Find support where you are. Don’t listen to him. Get a money-making job again and don’t give him a penny. Go to coed gyms, lose weight. Make friends, find allies and supporters.
I know it’ll take a lot to dig yourself out of the pit you’re in, but it’s worth the rest of your life to do it.
See the case studies of Brandi (#1) and Lucy (#14) in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Forget trying to change him. Don’t waste the rest of your life.
Get a great coach-counselor for yourself on only two subjects:
1. To develop effective tactics to get the controlling, bully out of your life.
2. To change your internal thinking-feeling patterns so you don’t repeat the same scenario with the next guy. Brandi learned and you can too.
Be brave, determined and relentless.
Best wishes,
Ben
April 27th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
[…] In one case, when Kate met Carl at work, she was successful with her own goals, place, money, car and an active social life. At first, Carl was very charming and confident, and they became good friends. Kate says they were two peas in a pod. How wrong she was! […]
June 8th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Hi I hope my story might help someone. I have known my husband since i was 18yrs old. We worked together and his sister and I were friends. I was married at 16 to my first boyfield, so my now husband was just a friend, although I always knew he had a soft spot for me. years later when I was divorced I went out with my now husband, but I didn’t have the feelings for him at that time that I do now, so I ended the relationship. Eventually we ended up back together and he won me over,he was a quiet man, very deep, didn’t say much, but was always very kind and nothing was too much trouble. My sons who obviously had known him since they were little boys, but are now grown up and married, adored him. We ended up getting married and I thought I had met the man of my dreams, but it didnt last. As soon as we got engaged it all started to change. He had never been married before and never wanted to, that I know for a fact. He has hit me, nearly broken my fingers, but the violence has stopped since I called the police. He is very moody and often put himself in the box room for weeks on end and not speaking. I own my own home and have always worked full time, I am very bubbly person and have lots of friends, were he has always been a loner. He told me that I neednt work full time anymore so I took a 2 day job, thats when it really got bad. He often leaves in the clothes he stood in and takes all of the bill and shopping money, he would stay away for 3 weeks at a time, it wasnt about him being with women or anything, that I know,but he goes on drinking binges which he never used to do. He spends all of the money and texts me all of the time, calling me names, putting me down and being very abusive. I have started divorce proceedings as he is putting the home I have lived in for 25 years at risk, with him taking all of the money. Because he house is mine and in my name, he said that my sons should pay the mortgage when he is not there as it is their inheritance, as he calls it. Obviously I love him but cannot take anymore. To anyone out there these people will not change and are unable to change, they will grind you down, just as I have been and you will end up feeling worthless. I am a good person and I have a medical working background, so I have a pretty good idea what I am talking about, I also have friends in the medical field who have advised me that these controlling people will never change. I am at the moment trying to keep hold of my home which he keeps sending me txts saying he is going to see me in the gutter. Please don’t let these controlling people to this to us. I hope my story helps in someway.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry this happened and has gone on so long.
I’m thrilled you’re getting a divorce and getting away.
Since he’s harassing you with text messages and has a history of physical violence, get a restraining order. Keep a record of all the messages (including the threatening ones). Call the police if he continues. I hope you called them when he beat you.
Be brave, determined and relentless.
I hope your story helps others see the warning signs.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
[…] Notice some typical early warning signs: […]
June 10th, 2009 at 6:55 am
please give me insite on this im a dirvoice mother of twins lefted their father because he was controlling. and now i taught i found the perfect man at church . he asked me to married him on the second date. and my mistake was saying yes. but we have not married yet and i thank god for that . could you please let me know if i man wont let you change stations at his apt on his tv are ask you where you would like to eat. and tell me how he spent two hundred on grocerys for all four of us. i just dont see no way of spending my life with him. so this friday im ending this. but let me know any options anyone might have
June 10th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Hi Germaine,
Sounds like you left one controlling man for another. Now leave him ASAP.
And before you hook up with a third, you should look at what you’re seeing that makes you think you’ve found “the perfect man.” Whatever you’ve been looking at, it’s not good enough. Develop better vision and standards. Whatever you’re feeling, don’t be blinded by poor vision.
The two books, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Bullies Below the Radar” can help you see the early warning signs of controlling, abusive bullies.
Best wishes,
Ben
June 11th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Thank you ben for those wonderful words and i will lool into those books
June 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Hi Germaine,
Thank you.
Hang in. You sound like a person who can do what she needs to in order to get away and then not repeat the same mistake.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 7th, 2009 at 2:21 am
I have been married almost 30 years and whereas my husband started off very calm, gentle and nice he has now turned into some kind of control freak and tries to control me subtedly so that I hardly noticed at first.
He dictates where we go when or if we have a day out. He earns much more money that me but then when we first married I earnt a good wage and had a very good job. I then went on to have his five children and was a stay at home mum for most of those years. He is now telling me that I said to him all those years ago that when all the children grew up I would work full-time again but that is a lie,he is forever telling me to work full time when I can`t and besides years ago I never ever said that, I am not a very well person most of the time these days and have a lot of health issues. I still work about 12 hours a week and bring in some money to contribute and of course do the housework and sort the children out and we have a fairly large house.
and if we buy any items that are major it always come out of my savings.
Another thing he does is with our 15 year old daughter (who is very unruly) when I try to lay down certain rules for her he undermines me by letting her off then. Also when I tell her off about anything he never backs me up thus making me always look the baddy in front of our daughter.
I have grown to hate the man and he is now denying me sex. Even when we have the house to ourselves he will not remotely get intimate with ne!! He had a heart attack two years ago, a mild one and he has suffered with erectile dysfunction too but nevertheless he doesn`t seem to care enough about our marriage to go and see the g.p. about it.
He is like a cold wet fish with me. He is a fair bit older than me, 11 years in fact and I wish I had never married him. He tries to control what I put in the shopping trolley in the supermarket and is a nightmare to go shopping with. I would go alone but thats another thing, he has deprived me of learning to drive again whilst we have been married - I failed a few tests before our marriage. I took some medication for depression and post natal depression
for many years and am off it now, he said that I wouldnt ever be able to drive because of the Valium!! ~I stupidly believed him and even now he won`t let me drive the car, yet he expects me to chip in with my minimal wages whenever the car goes wrong or needs to be checked!!!!
He is controlling I am sure but he also posesses very “wimpish” behaviour telling me that I didnt give a damn that he had a mild heart attack, patronising me to this day, two years later,
blaming me and saying
that I never went to the hospital many times to visit him but I myself was ill at the time and couldn`t afford all the bus fares and of course because of him, I do not drive.
He also rearranges my kitchen stuff sometimes and throws things of mine away in there without asking me. On our recent Wedding Anniversary he went to work but in his lunchhour he went to see a mate of his rather than coming home to see me. I had made no plans whatsoever to see friends on that day and had kept the day free.
I used to control all our money and control what went in and what went out of our Bank. He has even took that over now and I strongly suspect that he is secretly putting some of his wages away for a “rainy day” as they seem to be eaten away very quickly these days and he never buys anything extral for the house or anything out of them.
Also whenever my kids text him or mobile him to ask him favours or whether their mates can stop over etc. he gives a decision to the children without consulting me first and recently he said yes to one of them and it wasn`t convenient
and I am sure my illness bouts are stress related and hormonal as opposed to anything sinister as the Doctors can`t find anything medically wrong with me.
I have asked him to leave and he won`t even do that, what on earth do I do??? I don`t want to leave him as I would never settle away from home, besides I want to be with my children.
- my husband says he is not controlling but I am 90% sure that he is. Any ideas??
July 10th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Hi Marilyn,
I’m going to take what you say at face value - you could get along if you got free from him.
Underneath all your details, you’re acting as if you believe that:
1. You need to convince him that he’s a bully in order to have a bully-free life.
2. You need his permission to do what you want - see where the money goes, spend money, not spend money out of your account, go back to school, learn job skills, etc.
3. You need to convince him that you’re an okay, worthy person - not a bad, needy, helpless person.
Well, you can try counseling to convince him or you can get an expert to say that he’s a controlling bully, but my experience is that that approach is a waste of time. He’ll have his evidence about your faults and he won’t change. You’ll never convince him.
Stop arguing. Right now, he has no incentive to change. Once you say that you won’t leave, you’re stuck forever. There are no consequences he cares about if he doesn’t change — so he won’t.
Obviously you want him to change or you want out. Forget trying to change him.
You must plan how to get out or get him gone. Or how to build up your own stash of money and hope he’ll die first. Not a lovely or character-building exercise.
The price you pay for all the years of acceptinmg his behavior is the pain of the things you’ll lose in order to get away. And maybe you’ll set a good example for your kids by creating distance.
I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is and wishing won’t make it different.
Remember: What’s the price of putting up with bullying. Slow erosion of your soul. Create distance before you lose track of your soul. Every other price is small compared to that.
Best wishes and good luck,
Ben
July 18th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Hi Ben,
What do you think of my situation?
I’ve been married for over 20 years. My husband was very charming when we first met and put me on a pedestal. We were head over heels in love.
The problem started when he asked about my old boyfriends and what we did. Even though I never had sex with anyone and my husband was the first and only one, he wanted every detail of what we did together and even made me act it out. To make a long story short, I lied about one thing because when I told him the truth, he was besides himself and I quickly told him I was mistaken, so I wouldn’t lose him. He is not physically abusive, but he does manipulate and demean me. He talked me into marrying him even though I wasn’t ready. Sometimes if I don’t agree with him, he would argue for hours until I saw things his way. I’d be emotionally drained after his lectures. He had problems with my side of the family since day 1 - how he “knew” they didn’t like him or gave him dirty looks. I’d disagree and say they treat him like everyone else. He was just so sensitive to everything and read people the wrong way. Everytime we see my side of the family, I am uncomfortable. We’d argue for days about things that were said (that he insists were meant in a different way) and looks that were given to him. He always has a mad look on his face, which is probably what people were looking at.
He loves to disagree with people and debate everything. He gets a thrill out of it, because he is so good. He is extremely smart and takes pride in the fact that he is right about “just about everything”. I am not good with words like he is.
On the good side, he does encourage me - he helped me start my own business and he compliments me when I least expect it. He tells me he loves me a lot. But he is in a bad mood almost every day because he has a long commute to a good paying, but stressful job. He told me he will never be happy. He complains about me - that I don’t do a good enough job with my business, I’m too easy on the kids (probably because he’s so hard on them) He’s always criticizing the kids in a demeaning way and can’t understand why they are not close to him. He’s always saying that he kills himself so everyone else can have a life. He’s also said that I’d have nothing without him and nobody can love me like he does. Unfortunately, I’ve fallen out of love with him and dread when he comes home and I try to avoid sex because he over-analyzes everything and takes the fun out of it. Whenever I complain about his demeaning ways, he tells me he doesn’t drink, do drugs or cheat on me and if that’s the worst thing, I should deal with it or leave. My youngest is 14 years old. I’m trying to wait until he graduates H.S. to leave but I don’t know if I can wait that long. He does love us and provide a good life, but I’m not happy and I desire to be in love again. Should I wait since I don’t have it so bad? Shouldn’t I be thinking of the kids first?
Thanks for your time,
Ann
July 20th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Hi Ann,
The way you describe it, you’ve accepted a life of being defensive, debating and losing, and living with an angry, controlling person who doesn’t get why that drives people away.
So, if you want to go down the path of trying to change your interactions with him:
1. Break the debating game: For example, say to him, “If you want to go through life angry and winning debates, that’s your choice. I just don’t find that attractive. Your kids don’t find that attractive, even though you’re a good provider.” And walk away. Don’t debate whether you’re right or your feelings are reasonable. Say it a hundred times and turn away each time.
2. Tell him you need couples counseling – repeatedly.
3. Change yourself so you don’t get talked into doing things you don’t want (for example, telling him about old boyfriends [you know better than that], marrying him, how your family looks at him). Life is not a debate with the best arguer winning. You hold to your standards and feelings without justification to him according to his standards.
If you’re done with the marriage and are merely debating whether to leave now:
1. Change yourself (#3 above).
2. Stop complaining: say “I don’t like this. If you don’t stop, there will be consequences.” And then have consequences.
3. Think that no matter what you do, there will be many lessons and consequences for the kids. Some consequences are economic, some emotional, so are examples of their mother and father as a models. You choose which lessons you want to emphasize as your choice. And you’ll get chances when they’re 18, 28, 38 to say, “Here’s what I chose.” Then don’t defend your choice. Simply state it. You’re kids will understand differently at different ages and experiences.
Even more ideas and tactics are in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar.” Your husband does use debate as part of his being a Stealth Bully.
It’s your call. There are no rules of right-or-wrong. Remember, a fundamental part of your problem has been endless arguments about right-or-wrong.
Best wishes and good luck,
Ben
July 26th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I really need help. I am 19 and have a 17 month old boy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months and moved in with him after only a month.
When we first met, he was great. He was always there for me, told me he wanted me to quit my job to make me a stay home mom, and wanted me to move out of my parents to start a family. After I moved in, he started pin pointing everything wrong about me, always afraid someone will hit on me, always wants to spend every second of every day he has with me, always wondering what I’m doing when he’s gone, gets mad when I take the time to put on makeup because “that’s the time I could be spending with him”, checking my clothes to make sure they weren’t “revealing” (I’ve always dressed appropriate anyways). I appreciate that he loves doing surprises for me and loves spoiling me, and that’s why I feel like there’s two sides to him. A side I love and a side I absolutely hate.
He wanted me to lose all contact with my sons deadbeat dad, and I did so it would make him feel like more of a father. Then he said we didn’t need any friends right now cause he “Only needs me and all my friends were bad friends” so we deleted everyones number just to make him happy.
Now he’s starting on my family, he hates them and thinks they try to make me feel guilty for everything and they don’t appreciate that he took me and my son in. I tell him no ones family is perfect, but he tells me no ones own family treats an outsider badly like they’ve treated him (just because they didn’t “welcome him with open arms”) and they’ve told me they’re concerned for mine and my sons well being.
Its expecially hard for me because I feel so alone,with his work he’s gone for 3 weeks and then home for 1 week - and no family or friends to talk to, just him. When we argue (which is at least once a week) he can get really violent. He’s called me every name in the book, pushed me, slapped me, thrown things, cut up my clothes for no reason, and damaged property. But when all is said and done after the fight, I’M the one comforting HIM because he cries and says he’s an awful person and I deserve much better because I’m such a nice person. But then he says “if you wouldn’t have been stupid then he wouldn’t have had to freak out”. Its especially hard because he is very smart and knows what to do/say to make me happy or to make me feel guilty. Its always a guilt trip game for him. And after our fights he apologizes and admits it was wrong and he feels bad, but says there’s nothing to do but move on.
I need help because now he wants to get rid of my family for a while because he can’t stand them always being nosey. He wants to “focus on just us” and he says that’s his last option is to get rid of them for a while. I feel so helpless and numb.
I love my family and know they’ll always be there for me, but I feel like that’s the only way to make our relationship work is to get rid of them for a while.
I especially want to make this relationship work because I do love him. I love staying home with my son and he calls my boyfriend dad. Also, when we aren’t arguing, he is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, being the biggest sweetheart to me and would do anything for me and my son.
Is it all in my head? Am I overreacting? I have no one to talk to about it. I really need an outsiders opinion please before I break down and litterally go insane.
July 27th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Hi Jen,
Glad you’ve seen the signs now, before it’s too late. He fits the warning signs doesn’t he?
He’s typical in loving you nicely to get you and asking what makes sense and sounds like love and wanting to be together. And then, once he’s got you, you get to see the other side - his needy, jealousy, control and isolating you.
To give him a chance, take a stand now before you hate him and won’t give him a chance. Don’t wait until you have more kids or you’re 30 years older. Tell him no more isolation. Your life and future depend on that. Later, you can decide by yourself what you want to do about which members of your family. Be very specific about the actions you want you want him to start doing - full-time.
He has to grow up and become the side of him that loves you the way you want do be loved. You don’t have to win a debate; you just have to insist on the side that feels good - because you want it. Reward that side and have consequences for the side that hurts. He’ll resist at first, but if he wants you the way you want to be wanted, he’ll change. Promises are nice, but only behavior counts. Sounds like good practice for raising your son also.
If he ever touches you or repeats damage to your clothes and house, call the police immediately. He has to know that you’ll act. Unless there’s a penalty, the chances are that he won’t improve. Rule of thumb: Ask for what you want. You’ll get what you put up with.
Be very, very calm when you talk with the police and make sure they make a record. There are support groups almost everywhere. Find one. Let them teach you how to get the police to believe you and get on your side.
Don’t make just any old relationship work. Make only the relationship you want work. If he doesn’t want to be part of that relationship with you, create distance now - no matter how difficult it is. It’ll be easier now than later. You’re not his therapist. Having the side of him that treats you and your son the way you want only part-time isn’t enough for either of you. You need a full-time love, who loves you the way you want to be loved.
Find people who have been through this to talk to. I coach over the phone, but I’m expensive in the short-run [and worth it :)] and he’d probably have to know where you’re spending the money.
Take a look at your part in who you’re attracted to. Your part is in mistaking his need, jealousy and control as love and in responding positively to them. And then putting up with it, while hoping for the best. Now you know better.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben
August 18th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Umm.. Why was the article not titled “Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Spouses”? For the record, I have a *very* controlling wife.
August 23rd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Hi Sammy,
Sorry your wife is like that. Care to tell your story?
I wrote about controlling husbands because most of the people who read and comment are women. But maybe your story will stimulate more men to recognize what’s going on and stop the bullying.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 16th, 2009 at 11:15 am
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. He is controlling and isolates me from friends and family. I can’t talk to ANYONE anymore without him thinking I’m either cheating or planning to something behind his back. I feel lonely and depress at times. He says he trying to change and when our fights get out of control he says he’s trying to change but I’m not and it’s because of me that he acts that way. He checks everything I wear, my phones, emails, etc. He is driving me insane and I feel like I’m slowly losing who I am…myself.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
My husband is very insecure and is very negative about everyday things. When we first met we worked together and I was getting a divorce. After about 6 mos, we he changed and we were already living together. He drank all the time and I ended up calling the police on him twice! We were expecting our first child and I thought it would bring us closer…boy was I wrong! He thought I was cheating on him with my ex…and so he said we should try to get pregnant again so he coudl make sure the baby is his.
He has always been verbally abusive to me and our 2 children. I have another child from my previous marriage as well that he is (in my opinion) mean to. He treats everyone around him as subordinate and is always thinking that people are disrespecting him. He is always mad at his family and I cannot even talk to mine!! My parents hurt my feelings a ways back and he will not let me talk to them at all.
I wanted to go to a counselor to talk about our problems and he doesn’t want to go to this particular one because this counselor sees our oldest son as well…(as a family setting) It think he just doesn’t want someone to think he is a jerk when he is putting out the image that he cares about my son. I hate this…he doesn’t want me to go see this counselor by myself…wonder why!?
He is always getting on my son for his grades at school…keep in mind that my son just came to live with us full time in a new state, new school, new house rules…etc. And my husband expects WAY too much from everyone around him.
Sex life?? what does that mean!? He has diabetes and says that I make him feel bad when I try and butter him up for some love. He has a hard time getting aroused and says it’s from his diabetes…maybe so…but he won’t do other things for me…and says that I am a nympho is I ever try and ask him to do anything else.
He calls our kids names…and says he is just joking. He loves to pass out sugar-coated insults. I in the last 2 years have become really resentful of his behavior and find myself acting angerly with him and saying rude things back to him becuase he has hurt me soo much! I know it is not healthy, but I cope this way to avoid the hurt he is putting on me. I have come close to leaving him many times..but then I feel sorry for him and or he says he will change.
But will it ever really change? My kids are young and see us argue all the time. Our youngest one acts the same as his father…and guess what…he gets into trouble for disrepecting. Well, he only does it becuase daddy does it to everyone! The teachers at school think my son has learned behaviors as well.
Just need some advice on this…my life is so complicated and I don’t have much friends. If anyone on here would comment back to me and keep a line of communication open so I could look forward to some kind of friendship I would appreciate it. It’s good to know someone who has gone through this kinda of stuff. Thanks for listening.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Jen,
I can sooo relate to you..
September 21st, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Hi N,
I’ll be straightforward - you seem to think that:
1. You have to change the way your husband thinks and that you can do that by arguing.
2. His opinion is true and it’s your fault unless you can prove to him that he’s wrong and he admits it.
You’ll never succeed. Forget about his thoughts and focus on his behavior. He must change his behavior or you’ll vote him off your island.
His excuses (that it’s because of you that he acts the way he does) don’t matter. Promises to change don’t count; only behavior counts.
Don’t explain, don’t argue, don’t yell and don’t needle him (of course, you do know how to needle him). Stay calm and talk straight.
If he doesn’t change, have stepwise consequences leading up to him off your island.
Of course I’m speaking as if you’re not cheating and you’re not a bully yourself. If you are, he’ll be lucky to be voted off your island.
See what Lucy did in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Hang in. Have courage. Get coaching. Be persevering.
Best wishes,
Ben
September 21st, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Hi Tesa,
I’ll be straightforward.
Your husband won’t change and you’ve dug yourself a big hole. You must be brave and strong and persevering. And you can dig yourself out. Your children need you to get out and get away from him. They need a better model of what an adult is and what a father is.
His feelings and excuses don’t justify his behavior. They don’t matter. The only thing that matters is that we honor the responsibilities we’ve taken on. In his case, husband and father.
You face an all-or-none choice. If you stay and feel sorry for him, you’ll destroy yourself and your children.
Don’t ask for his permission or agreement. Vote him off your island.
What’s the price for putting up with bullying? Slow erosion of your soul.
I hope that’s clear and straightforward. I know it’s not easy. I know it’s hard and might take a long time. Get the coaching and support you need. Keep a spark of hope burning brightly.
After you’re free you can have sympathy for him from a distance.
Once you’re free, you’d better improve your own taste. What did you miss when you were dating him? What did you accept that should have warned you to get away before you got too involved?
Best wishes,
Ben
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
Thank you for your honesty and straighforwardness- I need to see things from a clear and non connected perspective.
The comment of “His opinion is true and it’s your fault unless you can prove to him that he’s wrong and he admits it.” I know his opinions of me, our kids and other people he is always nit-picking at are not true. He has anger issues and a huge lack of self control. What bothers me the most is that he pushes his thoughts on to me about our kids or my son, or even about myself. And if I do not agree with him, then he is hostile and blows a fuse, slams the bedroom door and yells out obscene enuendos and rude hurtful words.
He expects way too much from our kids, he micro manages them and expects me to follow suite…and if I don’t, then I am the enemy.
I do believe in supporting my husband and backing him up…however, I will not do so if he is being absive to others. I can’t support that kind of behavior.
His tone is awful, it literally sounds like he is always annoyed and irritated when I talk to him or when he talks to me. I have calmly talked to him about this and he says this is the way he talks. And it’s not true, he talks to other people differently than he does me.
Here is an example, when I was looking for a job, I told him that I was going to get an interview with this really good company. He sounded irritated and said “and your point is…” Well, my point was that I am a stay at home mom and with not much experience in the work field, I was wanting to share my excitment and was needing to hear some good response. I did tell him this and he said that he isn’t a cheerleader. The contrast to this is that a friend of his got a new job and they spent 1/2 hour on the phone talking about it then my husband bragged about it to me. I just smiled and said that is wonderful. (I supported his happiness about his friend.) And since when is having a personal cheerleader..meaning someone coaching you and being happy for you when good things happen such a bad thing??
September 27th, 2009 at 8:34 am
my husband and i we have known eachother for 5 years now but married for almost 2 years now . u see he is very much older than me im 23 and he is 50.i really love him and want our marriage to workout but he is very controlling ….my probelm is i tried my very best to please him but nothin i do really pleases him. im not allowed to wear any pants nor anything without sleeves…i am not allowed to have friends..i cant even wear makeup nor go to the salon ..i feel like dirt sometimes he is not physical abusing me but he does it verbally…since we r married only once he took me out …he never surprise me …meaning i never get a present for not even my birthday or aniversary nor valentines day ..all special ocassion i spent at home like a normal day of my life.. i have to massage him everyday and he does nothin for me ..when i wake up im the mornings the frst thing i see is a bottle of massage oil…he is tellin me to go my and get out of the house but u see he doesnt want me to work so i dont have a job and i am alone i dont have anyone to turn to nor a place to stay …the onyl friend i have is my pc but when im on the pc he always wants to know what im doing im not allowed to have a facebook account either i just feel like committing suecide but i try not to think of iti relly want to leave him i made up my mind to but i dont have a place to go and no money he doesnt even give me any whenn i want some personal things like pads i gotta ask him to buy it for me
i really need help!
please for some advise
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Hi Ramona,
Stop being his slave. Stop being a guydoll. I’ll assume that you’re really fine and have been good to him.
Your tactic - getting him to please you by pleasing him first - hasn’t worked. You haven’t pleased him enough and never will. Give it up and try a new tactic.
Don’t accept his control. Your life is your island. You get to vote on who stays and who goes. He doesn’t get to vote and he doesn’t get to decide if your reasons are good enough. “Because I want to” is the strongest reason in the world.
Get a job, get friends, save money – become independent. Find someone worthy to love. You’re young, you have time. Dedicate yourself to the rest of your life.
See the examples of Lucy and Brandi and others in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Good luck,
Ben
October 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Hi Tesa,
What I meant to say was that “HE THINKS his opinion is true and it’s your fault unless you can prove to him that he’s wrong and he admits it.” Stop arguing and trying to justify your standards and what you want in a husband. The most powerful reason for doing anything, especially clearing him out of your life, is “Because I want to.”
You’ll never get anywhere arguing with him as long as he thinks you’ll stay and put up with him. He’ll never believe threads to leave. He’ll only believe final divorce papers.
Remember: What’s the price of putting up will bullying. Slow erosion of your soul. And your children’s souls also. If you stay, they’ll learn to be victims alternating with being bullies, because they see that bullying wins.
Don’t need anything from him. You won’t get it. Get what you need from someone else. Clear space on your island so someone who is good to you can come on.
It’s your vote about who you let on your island. He doesn’t get to vote and you don’t have to put off acting until he decides that your reasons are good enough.
I know it’s hard, but there it is.
See the examples of Lucy, Jean and others in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Good luck,
Ben
October 4th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
[…] who want to stop bullying in their love lives or in relationships with their siblings, parents and […]
October 10th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been married to my husband for 11 years and I’ve got some issues with him. I’ve got 2 kids that is 10 and 6. We have moved an hour away from my home town to his home town about 5 years ago. I feel and my friends and family feels that my husband is controlling. I have so much to talk about with him and don’t know where to begin. I need help on finding myself without others getting involved. I had a reallity check for a while now and I don’t know what to do. I just don’t love him like I used to love him. The big issue that I have is that if I don’t give into him and have sex with him he makes a big deal about it. He thinks that I am cheating on him. I haven’t ever cheated on him. I spend alot of time with my best friend because she enjoys doing things with me. As to where he plans stuff for himself only. He has a full time job and he takes on-line coarses for college and he also is involved in church and does alot for them. He even coaches flag football and even upwards basketball. He also goes the the gym to work out after work 3 days a week. When someone asks him to do something he will do it for them. But when I ask for him to do something for me and try to make plans with him he has always told me that he is too busy and got to do this or that or we have no money but then he doesn’t like for me to do any thing with my best friend. I used to pay the bills for years and he got tired of not having any money cause i would always pay the bills and not leave much for us to spend for the next 2 weeks. Now he has control of the checking account and bills and alot of the bills will not get paid in time nor get paid at all. I feel that sometimes if I don’t do what he wants then he will get angry with me and then choses to fight with me. So I usually do things for him to keep the peace. Within the last few years I have not planned for him to go any where with me because I always know that he has no time for me. I always have to ask him what he has planned for the week or weekend so that way I know rather to take the kids with me. He expects me to do things that I don’t want to do and that’s usually something to do with the church or something that will make him look real good as a family thing. I used to count down the years when my oldest one would turn 18 cause then I would divorce my husband. But then I had another kid and just accepted the way our marriage is and was. But now I want out of this marriage but am afraid of moving and leaving him with the mortgage because the property was given to him 6 years ago and we put a house on it. I love my house and the area that I am in and I also miss my home town. My best friend can’t stand the way he treats me. He will sit at the computer all day and all night and not acknowledge me being here. I have tried to sit in the room with him while he is on the computer and he gives me attitude and says “WHAT” really hateful. If he’s talking on the phone he will go to the other room and close the door. He doesn’t go to bed with me when I go to bed unless he is expecting for me to do something for him sexually. If I just ignore him then he gets angry with me and starts yelling at me and wants to know why he can’t touch me. But he only touches me when I am asleep. He has threaten me several times that I am going to lose him and take the kids away from me. He has called me an unfit mother 2 times out of the 10 years and that has went straight through me. I am not an unfit mother I keep my house cleaned and make sure the kids get their bath and make sure they are fed. I don’t have the discription to be an unfit mother. I love my kids very much and they are a part of my life. The only thing that I am thankful for in this marriage is my 2 kids. I would not trade them for the world. He has pushed me down on the bed years ago. The first and the last. He had picked up a hand full of rocks and was going to throw them at me when we were dating. He has taken my keys away from me and threw them so hard that the rings on the keys were bent. He has told me to leave and not come back several times. I got tired of hearing that from him so I started packing and when he seen that I was going to take up his offer then he started being a big baby and started unpacking my close. I want to leave so bad. I want to get out of this relationship but am afraid to make the change. I think about my kids first. I don’t want them to go through life of having 2 different homes. If it wasn’t from them then I would have left along time ago. I seen this side of him before I married him but was stupid to carry on with him. By then I had already had my dress and inventations ready and didn’t want to waste the money that my mom had put into the wedding. Some days I feel like he is my father because of me having to get permission with him for this and that. He makes the decissions and what he says is what it will be. If I suggest something on how things will get done then he says something different and it has to stay the way he mentioned for something to be. I am just so lost and confused with myself I don’t know what to do and where to begin because we have faught so much over the years and he keeps telling me he is going to change. He does for a while but then he goes back to being the same jerk he was before. Maybe I should have wrote a book for you. Just please help me.
October 12th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Hi Chelle,
He won’t change; he has no motivation to. The longer you let it go on, the worse it will get. And what’ll you do if you get pregnant again.
Either:
1. Stay for the next 12 years. But think of what you’re teaching your children by staying, which will count much more than what you say. You’re saying that bullies win and women take it. I think that avoiding that lesson is more important than their having two homes.
2. Make careful plans to get away. It’ll be difficult but then you’ll be free while you’re still young.
Often, people who really want to get help, pay me for phone coaching, but maybe there are places in town where you can get help and support, even though it might get out.
See the study of an independent person, Jean who made it work to stay in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” But note all the other studies of people who didn’t give in. Also see the study of Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”
Best wishes,
Ben
November 6th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
First, let me tell everyone how I got into my current situation. I was born and raised in New Orleans so needless to say I was here for Katrina, the worst storm to ever hit LA. At that time I was living in my own apt., working as a nurse, raising my two boys, and very independent! Well, after the storm I lost everything, had to get a new job where I was sexually abused by a doctor there and finally had enough and quit. So, no job, no money with two kids, My ex husband who I have been divorced from since 1997, took us in and we have been here ever since. After a year or two he began thinking we were a couple again. We sleep in different rooms, I had/still have a boyfriend and want to leave. After knowing me for so long, he knows my soft spots and uses them to his advantage. He isolates me from my friends(women)and Does not “Allow” me to have (men) friends. He follows me everywhere I go without him, usually finds me, calls my cell phone and screams at me to “get my ass outside, NOW” and for some reason, I listen!!! Everyone says how nice of a guy he is, but they don’t have to live with him, he goes to work, I stay here and that’s just how he likes it. If for some reason I go out during the day, he calls all damn day, while I am home, not one call! Ok, the latest story…my friend, a women, had free tickets for the new orleans hornets game and asked if I wanted to go. I said yes and called “him” He works close to where the game was and actually told me he was going to stay at work until he could follow my friend and I home from the stadium. My 15 y.o. son was home and “HE” get off of work at 5pm, the game didn’t end until midnight…he actually stayed at work until midnight so he could control where I was and make sure I wouldn’t go anywhere else. This is just a little story of how he follows me, there is way too much more to write. How do I get out of this without hurting our son?? My son doesn’t want to move because all his friends and school, so I would have to leave him here with his crazy dad. It breaks my heart so I stay and take the shit because I don’t want to leave my baby! Please help!
November 9th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Hi Lexi,
Sorry, that’s a lot dumped on your plate.
I’ll be straightforward. You’ve dug a big hole and it’ll take you time to dig steps so you can climb out. That means making a lot of good decisions consistently. You’ll find case studies that relate in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
And you said how you got there - “for some reason I listen.” Stop Listening. Stop drifting in and out of situations that will inevitably turn out bad for you.
Don’t let fear rule you. Fear-based reasons and excuses always lead us to make the wrong decisions. You have to stand up for your future and take risks to have a chance to make that future possible.
For example, no matter what you tell your son when you accept his father’s bullying, he’ll see that bullies win. You’re letting his father teach him how to abuse women and get away with it.
He’s not your baby, he’s 15. You’ll never be able to help him if you stay. If you leave and make your life good, he’ll have a chance to see things straight. He may grow up good and seek you out, or he may be weak and choose to be like his father. You can’t control his decision - free will - and you’ll never help him by staying.
I know it’s hard. But we all had ancestors with the strength, courage, determination and grit to survive much more than we face today. Tap into that strength. Take charge of your body and your space. No more bullies. Nurses know where to kick doctors for maximum effect when facing sexual abuse.
Be strong! Or all will be lost. Prioritize and make the most important ones realities.
Find local groups that will help you.
Good luck,
Best wishes,
Ben
November 12th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
I know how you feel my husband is the same way.
I have been dealing with this for the past 17 years.He won`t let me do anything by myself.I have
filed for divorce once.He told me to forgive him
that he would change but he hasn`t change.Now he controls my children.I have a 16 and 15 teenagers
they are not allowed to go out with their friends.If they use the phone he unplugs the phone.I think he really needs help.He is very controlling.I have told him that I had enough of this.He tells me that he won`t give me the divorce.That I won`t take the kids away from him.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Hi Sandra,
He may need therapy or brainwashing to become the way you want but that’s not going to happen.
You got to the point of filing for divorce and then gave him one more chance. But you forgot the next step.
He learned that he could talk you out of things.
See how Jean uses filing for divorce in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Prepare yourself. Don’t believe what he promises. Believe what he does.
See a lawyer. Get a coach.
Get local support for women controlled by stealth bullies.
Best wishes,
Ben
November 29th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
This is a great blog– I just posted a comment on another of your entries, and then I looked around some more on the blog and found this entry which hit home even more. My husband fits so many of the warning signs.
1. Overt physical violence - He’s never hit me or anything like that. On a great many occasions he has poked me unexpectedly, sometimes leaving a bruise; or he has pretended to punch me and then laughed about it.
2. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage - I’m always afraid of his bad temper.
3. They make the rules; they control everything - This is very much the case .I feel I have to ask permission to live my life.
4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. He has threatened suicide if I leave. I think this is blackmail.
5. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. He always points out how I’m incompetent at various small tasks.
6. You’re told that you’re to blame if they hurt you. When I have pointed out the bruises he’s caused from poking me, he says I must be anemic. If he pokes me or tickles me and I say “ouch,” he always says, “that didn’t hurt.”
7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want. This one really hits home. He argues CONSTANTLY. All he wants to do is debate me. He will ask my opinion on something, then argue about why I am wrong.
8. Their standards rule - your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re too sensitive. Oh, this one hits home, too. If I say “no,” he’ll argue or make me feel guilty until I acquiesce. When he makes one of his “jokes,” for example, calling me a name, calling me “fattie” (I’m not overweight) or one of his racist jokes, and I tell him it’s not funny, he tells me I need to lighten up and I am too sensitive.
9. They isolate you - they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work. In subtle ways he has isolated me from my family by being rude to them.
10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough. He makes me feel guilty all the time. If I get home from work and don’t immediately go and give him a kiss, he points it out.
11. Your concerns generally don’t get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes. Yes.
12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide. Yes, he is extremely sensitive; no matter how gently, if I point out something he did that hurt my feelings, somehow I’m the one who ends up feeling guilty. And he has threatened suicide if I leave.
I want to leave him. There is no good reason I haven’t. I am just afraid and I feel weak.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Hi Struggling
Yes, you do have him pegged. He’s textbook. Those are the signs of a bullying control-freak, aren’t they?
Get free before you’re broke and have kids. If you have kids with him, guess what tactics they’ll learn to control you?
Stop arguing with him. Love and life aren’t debates to win or lose. Find someone who loves you without debates.
Wish this bully well and from a great distance.
Beware, he sounds like the type who’ll blame you as an excuse to try to take everything you have. Get a strong lawyer.
Get an on-going coach to deal with each issue and each hesitation while (not just before) you get free.
Read the cases of Brandi and Lucy in How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Read about Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar.”
Also, refer to my response to your other post at: http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/06/09/get-away-from-a-controlling-bullying-abusive-husband/
Your future is calling to you. Have courage, strength and grit.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 16th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I wanted a copy of the list of bulling behavior at the beginning of this article and I got 17 pages of mostly repetitve behavior. this is a waste and I’m very sorry I asked for the first page and will not do this again.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Hi Mimi,
Sorry, that is so weird. That never happened to anyone before. It’s always copied like it looks. The list should be right there in the article.
Stay cool. I’ll email you a copy of the article.
Best wishes,
Ben
December 17th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
The situations posted here are so reminiscent of mine. I have been married for 17 years to a man who is at one moment syrupy sweet and the next psycho controlling. Everything came to a head a little over a year ago when he found out I was having an affair. I had had my fill of his moods and control over my so I went to the extreme and did everything possible to make him want to leave me. When he discovered what was happening he lost it and begged me not to go. We attended counseling for a few months and even renewed our vows. His behavior over that time was suspiciously nice. Just the past few months I have seen a regression to the man I knew was always under there. He still doesn’t trust me, still wants to dictate what I wear, won’t let me talk to or hang out with friends and most of all since I am excelling in my career (teaching) he is jealous of the time required to do a good job. We have three girls 7,10 and 13. I am terrified to leave, unsure of what he would be capable of doing. He has said he cannot live without me and I am his only reason for living. Like the other men in the stories he is a great boss at his work and is liked by everyone, they have no idea of his personality at home. I have a way out, I am just too scared to make it happen. Does he still have that much control over me? How do I take that first step? I called a lawyer the first time and it all backfired on me. What should I do?
December 18th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Hi D,
I think the key for you is hidden in your sentence, “… so I went to the extreme and did everything possible to make him want to leave me.”
Take charge of your own life. If you’re done (affairs are one of the signs) then you be up front and straight. Don’t act like a jerk in order to make him hate you. Your kids will think you’re a jerk also. You take the initiative and leave.
Get a good lawyer. Get a good coach.
Read “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Best wishes,
Ben
December 20th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Never did i imagine i would be married to such a controlling man. I can’t go out not even to a grocery store, can’t text anyone but him. He constantly calls me a fat b**** or worse. He tells me to lose weight all the time when i know i’m fine. I’m in the military all by myself until he joins me a couple months from now. I’ve told him that his words hurt me especially about me not being able to produce a child he says maybe my body was not made to have babies just to please other men. I’ve really cleaned up that last statement it would not be proper to say what really came out of his mouth. He degrades me, he says he’s only like this because we’re apart like when i was in training previously it was really hard i’ve been good to him, be faithful but i feel like he’s pushing me away he has been physical and made threats on my life what hurts the most are the words he says to me about me. I don’t know who i am anymore. He says we’re better when we’re together but it’s not true he has shown me how mean he can get. He tells me not to think cause i’m stupid. I’m not allowed to have goals he says he regrets that he ever encouraged me to join the military. I work in a male dominant career field i can’t do anything about that but i love the person he used to be i don’t know who he is. what do i do?
December 26th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Hi Joy(less),
Let’s see if I’m missing something here. Your husband is controlling, he calls you a fat b**** or worse (it doesn’t matter whether you are or not - do you want to be spoken to that way?), he degrades you, he pushes you away, he’s mean, he tells you that you’re stupid, he calls you things you can’t write here, he’s been physical, he’s threatened your life and you don’t know who you are anymore. Oh yes, he also has excuses that make him feel justified.
What’s not to get here? Do you think it’ll get better as you get older? As you have kids?
What are you doing with a person like that? Don’t argue, don’t debate, don’t listen to his BS justifications. Get as far away as possible before it’s too late. Get friends - even in the military - who think much more of you and who wouldn’t treat anyone that way.
Look for love under different rocks.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 24th, 2010 at 11:00 pm
Good list of those signs. This will serve as warning to those would be victims of love.
How can you prevent your partner from controlling you upon knowing these signs?
January 28th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Hi Valentine,
When I’m coaching people, we need more details to design a plan that fits you and your specific situation.
A generalization would be; “Just say ‘No.’”
“Create an island of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore
Retrain your partner. That’s where the specific tactics come in.
See “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” for many case studies, especially those of Lucy, Brandi and Jean.
Best wishes,
Ben
February 2nd, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Boy these signs are right on the dot for my husband. He denies it all of course. I am so tired of his controlling. I think it sets him off more cause I wont let him control me anymore.Took me awhile to figure that out!!! Thank God we dont hav kids.I do fear him hurting my animals and belongings just to get back at me. I hope it doesnt happen.Luckily he moved out for the third time. How do you point this out to them??!!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:42 am
Hi Heidi,
Good for you - don’t submit.
Let’s see if I have it straight. You are so tired of his controlling. You don’t have kids and you fear for your animals and belongings. He moved out for the third time.
Why aren’t you changing the locks and getting a restraining order and a divorce?
Don’t point anything out to him. His problem is not that he’s ignorant. His problem is that he’s a controller.
Your problem is that you’re still letting him on your island. Get him off your island and get someone you’ll be happy with. Find true love with someone who’s great to be with and doesn’t control you.
Best wishes,
Ben