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Teen acquitted in punch
By Ben | January 11, 2008
Here in Colorado, the big news today is about a black teen acquitted for punching one of two teens who were taunting, harassing and threatening him. See below for details from some of the news stories.
Good for you Randall Nelson.
For parents of young children and teens, I’m commenting on one aspect that I often hear from well-meaning parents. They tell their children not to fight; fighting is wrong, it only leads to more fighting. They tell their children to understand that bullies have suffered and to forgive bullies. They tell their children that forgiveness, kindness and negotiation will solve every situation peacefully. As Randall Nelson’s case illustrates for every teen, of any color, race, religion, sex, that’s nonsense. So, what do I think Randall should have done?
I think Randall did great; just what he should have done. Randall Nelson tried not fighting back. That’s a good first approach. He got the authorities involved. That’s a good second step, but they didn’t stop it. If those two steps don’t work, you’d better have an effective back up plan. Randall had the right back up plan.
Parents, if you coerce your children and prevent them from fighting even as a last resort, you leave them like defenseless sheep in a world that has wolves. As I said about work bullies in a recent article in the Denver Business Journal (January 11, 2008, page A28),
“Bullies will interpret [your] reasonableness as weakness … They will remain hostile and righteous. They will escalate their emotional abuse into a feeding frenzy.”
Teach your children and teens to protect themselves. Don’t encourage them to endure verbal abuse or emotional intimidation. You’d be encouraging them to become insecure victims of bullies and predators. Instead, help increase their self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem. This theme of teaching children and teens to face the real work also mentioned in the blog entry, “Cyberbullying suicide case.”
You can learn more detailed methods through my books, coaching and speaking.
I think it was Kfir who said,
”Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, war has never solved anything!”
Some of the articles describing Randall’s case are: “Black teen acquitted in punch,” and “Black teen acquitted in punch,” and “Teen acquitted of assault in racial case,” and “Black teen acquitted in punch,” and “Teen who faced racial taunts acquitted after breaking 2nd teen’s jaw.”
Topics: Bullies at Home, Bullies at School, Coaching, parenting |
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:28 pm
[…] Yes, meditation, reading inspirational stories and performing simple physical exercises are useful and good for the soul. But, if children’s energy is totally turned inward, you’ll be teaching them to be merely passive or to follow a faddish idea about saintly behavior. You’ll help your children handle their stress better by teaching them to deal effectively with the bully, not by withdrawing to make themselves feel better or more virtuous. The best antidote for stress is strong and firm action to change the situation. […]
February 27th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
My child is having a problem with bulling. I went to the board of education and i have talked to her teacher and counselor at school. On Monday i will talk to the principal but truly believe it will not help. The mother of the child who is bulling works at the school. I do not think we have a chance. I will be contacting the police also next week and the DHS. If anyone can tell me where i can go to get the help we need please feel free to place a comment to this comments. I do believe in standing up for oneself when you have to. My child is only 10years of age. And she does not want to hurt anyone but i have said that if someone is hurting you you must defend your person
March 2nd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Hi Tjan,
You’re right; the deck is stacked against you but you’re doing the right thing by going up the chain of administrators to see if they’ll do anything. If they don’t you’ll have to get firmer.
Document everything with names, dates and exactly what was said or promised. Or what was not done.
They’ll be most afraid of publicity or a suit so those are your only weapons if they won’t do anything. Keep moving on to the police and DHS. Think of local newspapers. Think of a lawyer.
I also agree that there are times when your daughter will have to defend herself. If the bully is bigger and stronger that may not work. The other kid’s mother and the school will probably label your daughter as the one who started it. That’s where your documentation will help.
Good luck and best wishes,
Ben