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Teens Bullying Parents
By Ben | January 9, 2008
I read an interesting post, “Responding to Manipulation,” on the byparents-forparents blog which highlights the fact that teens will try to manipulate their parents. I see that problem all the time. It’s natural for children, especially as they become teenagers to try to get their parents to give them everything they want. But parents must resist teens’ boundary pushing, emotional intimidation, emotional abuse and bullying.Independence, self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem are increased when teens don’t win every time when they push against the reasonable boundaries set and held by parents. Don’t allow endless negotiation. Good parenting requires you to make your “no” be a “no.” Don’t be swayed by media influences telling you the contrary.My book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” has a typical example of a mother who frees herself from her own guilt, insecurity and her teenage daughter’s manipulation. When the mother stops being a victim, she can finally help increase her daughter’s emotional development, confidence and self-esteem. Through expert coaching, speaking and parenting tips, I help parents develop plans customized to their specific situations.
Topics: Bullies at Home, Coaching, parenting, Stop Bullies Book | 9 Comments »
April 25th, 2008 at 11:49 am
[...] there are great parents. And there are children who repeatedly wound their parents. But let’s focus on parents who repeatedly wounded their children … and still continue to [...]
March 10th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
[...] plans to fit your specific situation. Also, the strong and clear voice of an outside speaker can empower principals, teachers and other students to stop bullying and [...]
April 13th, 2010 at 8:09 am
I am going through a separation after 40 years. My 14 year old bullies me. She won’t allow me to have friends over, is touchy about sound, smells and food. I am having a hard enough time dealing with this separation let alone being treated cruly by her. she has also been lying, and doing drugs.. I am a teacher and am very worried about her… It is better to not have my alcoholic husband here . He never said a kind word to her or want to have anything to do with her. I have a huge support group but find it really hard to deal with this on a day to day basis. …… thank you .Doreen
ps. she will not see a counceller. ….
April 13th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Hi Doreen,
You’re training your 14-year-old to bully you. Stop it. For example, see the study of Paula and her bullying daughter, Stacy, in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Your daughter thinks she’s in charge and knows what’s best for her. Sh wn’t isten to your reasons and counsel. Stop trying to teach her. You’ll have to wait until the world teaches her.
In my experience, your daughter won’t be stimulated to change until her old strategy no longer works. Simply don’t let it work on you. Set boundaries and limits. Stick with them. Decide what’s not up for debate.
When you start limiting her, she’ll probably run to her father as the easy way. She’ll have to learn about that pathway from him.
You’ll probably need expert coaching to stay on track over time, like Paula did.
Best wishes,
Ben
July 1st, 2010 at 10:04 am
[...] there are too many brutal, abusive, uncaring, selfish, demanding parents, the biggest mistake I see parents make is to coddle their children way too [...]
September 3rd, 2010 at 6:10 pm
I’ve heard horror stories at how some children manipulate their parent into doing thing. Or worst yet cause the parents to divorce. How these kids become this way?
Leslie
September 4th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Hi coach,
Great question.
For an example of how a parent finally stopped her teenage daughter’s bullying and manipulation of her, see the study about Paula in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Or check out the blog posts:
How to correct your children and say “No” to them
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/09/how-to-correct-your-children-and-say-no-to-them/
10 Best ways to raise spoiled brats
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/01/27/10-best-ways-to-raise-spoiled-brats/
Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/10/04/stop-bullies-will-knowing-why-bullies-keep-abusing-us-help-us-stop-them/
How to Raise a Bullying Teenager: Don’t Stop Their Temper Tantrums
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/09/16/how-to-raise-a-bullying-teenager-dont-stop-their-temper-tantrums/
When I work with the manipulated parents, I focus on consistent behavioral rules and not on trying to understand and therapeutize the kids. In most cases, the consistent, kindly and firm “No” does more to stop the behavior than does any psychotherapy.
Usually the reasons the kids manipulate is obvious (they want to get what they want when they want it – immediately) and suckering the parents into sympathy or understanding undermines their attempts to stop the behavior.
When behaviors no longer succeed, kids are more motivated to give them up and learn a different way to get what they want (that’s how we learned the magic word, “please”).
Understanding and sympathy usually create and reinforce the problem.
Veruka Salt in “Willie Wonka” is a classic example.
Best wishes,
Ben
January 8th, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Hi. I’m 15, and have an older sister who is 17. She emotionally abuses my mom. Just now, they had a fight where my sister said to my mom, “I want to put a knife through you.”,”If you jumped out the window I’d be fine.”,”I wish I could smack you so hard that your face would fall off.”,”Just shut up. Everything you say is nonsense. You don’t have authority over me.”,”I wanna smack you so hard you bleed.”,and “Stupid woman. Use your head.” among a lot of other statements.
I”m tired of all this. It’s been going on for over six years. And my dad is in the picture, but he travels a lot for work, so he’s not really home that much. Please tell me how I deal with my sister.. Please.
January 10th, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Hi “Honey,”
Your sister sounds crazy and dangerous. Keep out of her line of fire.
You’re stuck. It doesn’t sound like you can do anything to stop your sister or protect your mother. That’s not your job! Got it? That’s not your job!
Your job is to protect yourself right now and prepare yourself for your own life.
You probably have three more years before you can become independent and self-supporting. Learn a skill (whether you like it or not) so you can move a thousand miles away and get a job and be independent. Then you can build a life.
Turn your back on all of them and create your own life.
Become an “Invulnerable!”
Keep your plan secret from everyone.
Best wishes,
Ben